My question is, why doesn’t he want you to go? Do you not get along with his ex? With that being said, I would never tell my Bf/husband they couldn’t attend their child’s birthday. I think all parties involved play a part in coparenting and should do what needs to be done to ensure the child has a drama free birthday.
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Grow up. It’s his kids birthday. If you guys have been together for many years then yes it’s also childish that the mother wouldn’t invite you too. But if not then get over it.
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Everyone saying she’s wrong for saying he can’t go but why tf can’t she? She is his wife. I think they should be able to attend together as a family. Sounds to me that he knows already his bm doesn’t want her there and he’s respecting her wishes when she’s prob just being petty. Just my opinion. Don’t attack me y’all! 
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He doesn’t need your permission to go to his child’s birthday party, are you serious?? Regardless of how you feel that is HIS CHILD and he should be able to be involved in ANYTHING dealing with his child especially if his ex is going to allow it, WITHOUT u holding anything over his head or trying to stop him. There are going to be plenty of awkward experiences he and even u will be in with his ex, that doesn’t give u the right to get in the way of that. Thats childish and your wrong 🤷
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He doesn’t want the drama to over shadow the moment and it will the child deserves to have a happy BIRTHDAY without adult issues if they are gonna mess around nothing will stop them…nothing…take it from me
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It’s a kid’s party. It’ll last 2 hours. You’ll be fine at home.
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You have no right to tell him when he can and csnt see his child. It doesnt matter that his x will be there. Whether you like it or not they will have to coparent and be in each other’s lives for a very long time. If you csnt handle that then you should leave.
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Ummmm I’m super curious as to why both of you don’t have much contact with either of your kids 
or was that just conveyed incorrectly in the post.
IMO, let him go to his sons bday party. At this point you’re asking him to choose you or the kid. Not cool. I get the ex not wanting you there, maybe they left on bad terms and need to work on their partnership first before she allows you to step foot in that part of their life. There will be more animosity towards you if you do this.
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Be the adult and just let him go. Going would cause so much unnecessary drama that no one needs.
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They’re married. There is ZERO reason why she shouldn’t go with him. Period.
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First, if you can’t trust your husband to go to a birthday party for his son without you, then you have some serious trust issues that should be addressed. Second, why can’t he go to his kids party without you? It’s not about you, or about him, its about a child that probably wants his dad at his party and you are wrong for getting in the way of that.
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You cannot tell him he cannot go to his sons birthday 
that is childish AND selfish!
You need to take a step back and evaluate how you handle your significant others co-parenting relationship.
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Let him go, don’t push yourself to go… it will happen in time, situations like this are sensitive so be easy about it. Who the hell wants to go to a child birthday party anyways? I don’t even like being at my own kids parties. take a few hours for yourself & have a drink for your stepson.
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Honestly it sounds like you’re being a little childish. Yes, do something at your house but you still need to let him go to the party. That’s his child not someone random person.
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He should make an appearance at his sons party to see his son and his friends. Think how good that will make his son feel. I dont know why you wouldn’t be welcome too but I would send him either way. Build positivity!
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They (the kids) would probably love it if you all could be at the same place at the same time and put your differences aside just speaking from experience
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I go with my boyfriend when he goes to see his son every time. I met the mom; we get along fine. He hasn’t met the mom’s new bf but we don’t have issues. He made it clear that I am in it for the long haul. I treat the son like he is my own, I call him my bonus son. I have a daughter as well. We all get along fine. It’s just how it is
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My ex and I always do separate parties for our kids. Just makes life easier.
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Why would want to go??? Let him go to his child’s party without you as an insecure bodyguard.
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Sounds like a lot of childish behavior going on here. 1) why can’t you go? 2) why can’t he go without you unless he’s cheated or something
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How is she going to tell that man he can’t go to his baby birthday party? That’s just plain old insecure right there.
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Shame on your husband… he hasn’t stopped for a second to take your feelings into consideration. You are suppose to be partners. If your not invited he shouldn’t go either. He is teaching his son that your families are divided instead of unite.
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The x is making the demands in this situation. She is the one in control. Sure dad go to the birthday party but let that x keep control over your new life with your wife. If you are both not welcome than have a party for him on your own. He won’t mind 2 parties. Husband respect your wife 1st not your x wife’s demands.
You are a father, a husband, and an ex husband. There is a reason she is your x and you are no longer responsible for making her happy.
Do you want new wife to also be an x?
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But why can’t you go too??? That’s an important factor here 
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My boyfriends ex is rotten to her core so I will never be in her presence. Yall can do something separate but do not try to stop him from attending his childs birthday party. That will only bring problems to your home. Let him go and just plan a lil something at your home when the child comes. This is what I’m doing for my sons graduation. His dad will be attending and my boyfriend wont because they dont get along. So after graduation my boyfriend and I have planned something for my son without his dad. Co parenting is great but not always an option.
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That seems disrespectful to not want you to celebrate his child’s birthday with him regardless of the x
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I don’t see why y’all are saying the kids need both their parents there… the child ain’t gonna die from not having the parents together, my daughter gets something with me and my side, and then off to dads for her celebration there… out of respect for my husband if my ex invited me, I’d stay home…
my daughter is 6, and she understands the situation…
We all know the parents together isn’t always about the child, when separated… don’t use the child as an excuse…
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Maybe she has plans that are just for her child and like you said you can have cake later with them. Maybe she doesn’t want to share her time with her child with you on that day, maybe she has some hurt feelings, who cares maybe dad thinks it’s best cause it makes him uncomfortable. It may be the child’s wish. Whatever the reason don’t get In the way of his relationship with his child especially on his birthday.
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Coparent!! It’s all about coparenting!!! We do all of our stuff for our daughter together & have both spouses with us. We become one big family for OUR child!! Both sets of parents, grandparents & all other family members at the same place. It’s less stress on the child you share. You need to find out why your husband doesn’t want you at his ex’s house. You should be welcome if the husband is invited.
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He should go. It’s his child. But if you guys are going to be a couple she needs to grow up too
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There is no harm in asking the question why you aren’t invited. Until we know that answers, it’s really unfair to judge.
If his ex has an issue with yiu, she needs to accept you as step Mom. It’s sad co parents just can’t get along and be adults.
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My husband would without hesitation tell his ex that we would both attend and if she had an problem with me going then he wouldn’t go alone PERIOD! We are a team in every situation and he loves my children as his own and vice versa. I am curious 1) Why she doesn’t want you to go? 2) Why he would feel comfortable going without you since you are his wife? 
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I’m sorry that this is so blunt, but it sounds like all three of you need to have a sit down and discuss how to coparent better. They made a child together, you are part of his life now, there should be no need for multiple birthday parties. Maybe you, as the wife and step mom, could initiate meeting a restaurant for lunch to discuss ways you could incorporate a better relationship into your lives.
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I don’t have any kids of my own but my fiance has a daughter from a previous relationship and that little girl LOVES when we all get together and celebrate. She knows who is who, and everybody knows their boundaries. It takes a lot to co parent but in the long run its the easiest and honestly the best feeling knowing its all about that baby girl. I was blessed that his childs mother has always been logical and kind.
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I have always invited his ex to the kids bday parties. Whether it was for her kids or mine with him. She would come and we all enjoyed the party.
We are now divorced and I still invite and do things with his ex. Also, I invite him to our sons bday parties, athletic games, special occasions ect. I would NEVER tell him he can’t bring his current girlfriend. Everyone should act civil and be adults around the kids. It shows them how to respect others.
My sons father and I divorced and are both remarried… We celebrate everything for my son together (the four of us…) From birthday parties, graduations, sports, you name it. I’ve never understood how a parent could shun another parent or step parent. My son loves us all, and although it was rocky at first, we always come together for him.
It took several years but my Ex and his new wife and myself and new husband get together with the kids whenever they are in town to visit. My kids and grandkids love it. It’s not necessarily something that can happen in the beginning but it can always change. I would feel hurt if I were you also but I think I’d let my husband go. Always chose children first.
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Some of you are so insecure😂
One. Even if she’s trying to show she’s got control over him… what’s the big deal with their kid seeing their parents getting along?
Sure wish my parents would’ve shown me something besides the fact that they hate each other’s guts…
Feeling like you come from hate leaves you with problems you have to sort out as an adult.
Second. If you can’t trust your husband at his own sons bday party… maybe you need a new husband who doesn’t make you feel insecure? Or maybe you need to address your insecurities?
No reason he can’t go to the party in addition to having a party at y’all’s house where you’re included as well.
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I’ve been there. I felt so left out when my guy went to his child’s birthday party without me but I just told myself to be strong and dont let it get to me because I trust him.
If my husband told me I couldn’t go to my son’s birthday, I would still go, that’s his child. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want you to go but he doesn’t. His kid should come first and you should understand this.
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This is weird to me because my BD has a celebration with our daughter and his family when he has her, and I have one with her and the family and her friends when I have her. So…2 celebrations…
But honestly why doesn’t he want you to go is the real question.
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Grow up. It’s about the kid. Put your pettiness to the side and let him be a father. If not, you’ll end up losing. I know I’d lose a hundred plus pounds if my wife was throwing a fit about me going to my child’s birthday. Listen, maybe it’s better for the CHILD if you’re not there. No uneasy feelings weighing down the party vibe. It’s about the kid.
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I think there’s a whole lot of the story missing here.
Like why don’t you and her get along? Why can’t you go? And if you cant go, why cant he go alone to his own son’s bday? That is his kid.
I get along great with my fiancé’s exwife. We have actually done the most recent bday for my stepson together at our house. He turned 8. He wanted to celebrate with me and his Dad too.
I am both Bio Mom and Stepmom. So again, I feel like there’s a lot of loose ends in this story that is not being said.
My ex is absent so theres no joint party on that side of my life. We wouldn’t do joint-anything anyway and if my ex told me my fiancé couldn’t go but I could to our sons bday party, I wouldnt come and I would celebrate my sons bday at my house a later or earlier date. So I see both sides of this.
This is unfair to you. If he is invited to the party so should you be. You are his wife and the second mom to his son. Blended families need to make an effort to get along for the sake of the child - it is also called respect. But let him go - and make sure he understands that this is a blow to your relationship if he can’t stand up for his wife with his ex in a respectful manner. Take that weekend and go for a spa weekend but don’t give him any other information.
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I love coparenting with my I call her mom not stepmom and I’m ma god couldn’t of put a better mom there for us so my 5 and her were raised as brother and sister and half now they are all grown up with kids of there own and she hasn’t been married to the kids dad in a long time…we kept each other…bottom line when this picture started she accepted me in her home I made her a priority in our children’s life and we talk we did this for the love of our children she stood by me thru grandchildren birth weddings birthdays and holidays…just remember theres a child in between
I have thrown birthday parties for my kids (never at my house) but always invited their father and his whole family if his parents/ grandparents want to come great, if he was dating someone as long as my child didn’t care if they were there great bring them too. It is about the child not the adults. We all have to take a step back and realize our main goal should be to be good parents to our children (step and bio) and work towards co-parenting as much as possible. My honest opinion I would ask him why you cannot go but don’t stop him for stepping up for his child even if it is uncomfortable that you can’t be there.
So first he wasn’t going to go and then suddenly he is and you can’t go.
If his ex said you weren’t invited and he was he should be respectful enough to say “she’s my wife and his step mom. We’ll celebrate on our own” or something in that nature.
My ex and I could’ve had our parties together but didn’t, we still had our own to avoid an potential drama.
If his ex didn’t want her to go he should say “I want to be a part of my sons party” and say why she isn’t invited.
I know my heart wouldn’t be okay if I loved a child like my own and his disregarded my feelings but still expected me to plan a party after he already celebrated him
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All’s I can say is thank goodness that for both my x & his we do lots of gatherings as a whole family, there’s so much love for everyone
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What is his reason for not wanting you to go? Also, I’m sorry but you can’t tell him that he can’t go if you can’t. That is his child and you don’t have any right to dictate that he can’t go and that you’ll celebrate his birthday another time.
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My husband doesn’t like it lol
We only have our kids together but we have friends who are blended families. Based on how they are with custody & family events, (plus if we were theoretically in this situation) he said where I go he goes & where he goes I go.
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I really need more info, however, given that he said no then yes but without you makes me believe the issue lies with his ex but his son has requested him be there. If this is the case, let him go without giving him grief. Then have your own birthday bash with your side of the family.
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Ok first of all to even dream of saying if you don’t take me to your kids anything then you can’t go and support your kid is highly toxic. Get help immediately. Seriously. He should go. And the adults should focus on creating a cohesive relationship for the child. It’s not the child’s fault the parents relationship didn’t work out and having two lives is hard enough on them. Don’t make it worse. How works you feel if she was going to take that from your child?
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I guess I didnt realize how common it is for separated parents to have joint birthday parties… as a child of divorce, I always had two holidays. No drama, and we enjoyed our time together. This sounds more like a communication issue between you and your husband.
He said you cant go with him. What’s his reasoning?
His ex invited him.
Is this the first time shes invited him for the party?
How long have you been together? Is communication a difficult issue between you? Hoe comfortable are you with him around a previous lover?
All these things (and more) should be considered. If it seems fishy, maybe suggest just having a separate party for his son at your house.
Spouse first then kids. The x needs to respect your and your husband’s relationship. If you are not invited to go, then have a separate party. He’ll get more stuff anyway.
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Yall are married though. You are the child’s stepmother. It is weird that you “can’t go”
Its a birthday party for the kid and I’m sure there will be other people there for the party besides just biological parents. So yea I think its very odd for your husband to say you cannot go. I would be upset as well. I mean… you parent the child too. You are apart of the kids life.
Talk to him. Ask him why he doesn’t want you to go.
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I wouldn’t stop him. But at the same time my husband would he never tell me i couldn’t go. His second daughter’s mom used to invite us to her big parties. ( she does sleepovers now) now we just do a little family party for them here. Talk to him about it. It’s really not cool that he tells you that you can’t go
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I wonder if there is a history between the ex and the wife. Like did he leave his ex for the now wife? Or maybe the two women just dont get along and he prefers not to take his wife to avoid drama at his sons birthday. Maybe his wife just doesnt know how to act. In any case, she cant tell him if she doesnt go, he cant go.
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I am confused why he wouldn’t want you to be present at the childs birthday? Even if it is at his ex’s house you should still BOTH be involved, after all you are married and I am sure you play a big role in that child’s life as well. I wouldn’t tell him he can’t go, that’s his son and if he wants to be present then he can be. However I would be very upset about the situation. If he doesn’t feel comfortable having you there then maybe he should consider doing a party with you guys and his family on a separate date. However, it’s always in the childs best interest to be able to have everyone involved at once. We do my step daughters birthdays all together. My family attends, her mom and her family and my fiancé and his family. We don’t exclude anyone.
Now put the shoe on the other foot , if you invited your kids dad to your child’s party and he said “I can’t come unless my gf/wife gets to come too” , would you be upset that he said such a thing ? Do you and the mother of your husbands child have a good relationship ? Maybe she isn’t comfortable with you being there but it was the child’s request that dad comes .
Whatever the case , I don’t think you have a right to control whether he goes to his child’s birthday or not based on what you want .
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I think if you start this pattern you will have to live with it. Every wants to say its about the kids but you have to be happy too. If him going and you not being able to makes you unhappy and he doesnt compromise there is a deeper issue with your relationship.
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He is sleeping with his ex. LEAVE HIS ASS especially since he is the 1 excluding u. Me & mine go everywhere together. If 1 of us isn’t welcome then neither of us go.
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You are his wife now, therefore you are to be accepted, acknowledged and recognized as such…unless of course you are the reason his first marriage ended.
But…since the two of you are legally married, you should be by his side no matter what. Do not settle for anything less.
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Ignore everyone on here that is telling you not to go and let him go. It’s a bunch of crap, she is trying to cause drama! You can infact have your own separate party for the kid! Nothing says you have to do anything with your ex for the kids sake!
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I think it’s best if he goes and his son can see them all together. You going may not be about him or his son but his ex acting up.
Give him his thing.
Trust me, you will be around a long time. His son will grow up and see his moms actions himself later.
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It would hurt my feelings personally if my boyfriend didn’t want me to get involved in his child’s life. I would be sad that he was excluding me so I definitely understand this post. Its not about being jealous, its more about why wouldn’t he want you to go? If all goes well with your bf, you will be this child’s step mom so I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want you at the party. You could go and they could still take their family pics and do their parenting thing, you going doesnt make their time together any less special. I wouldn’t try to tell him he couldn’t go without me but I do understand how it would hurt your feelings if he does exclude you. Thats just my opinion.
- edit: I reread and see that he’s already your husband and this child is already your step child. I still stand by what I said and I especially think its sad that your being excluded from your step child’s birthday.
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I think he should be at his sons birthday party and that adults should be adults this is about his son birthday. I remember my parents being in constant turmoil fighting back and forth between my stepmother and my mom for years. I couldn’t wait till I turned 18 years old, I got on a plane and moved 3000 miles away by myself and did not come back till 15 years later.
If your the step parent obviously you are a part of the kids life. But like it or not you are never going to be the parent. All kids want their mom and dad. Idk how great you are. It’s a birthday party. The day this person was born. And you weren’t there and don’t need to be there now either. That is control you are seeking. Take a step back step parent.
Being a step mom is so hard in this world. People are constantly saying “that’s your kid too”, the moment they feel like you are doing differently for your own, but then it situations like this, suddenly he is not her kid. Things wouldnt be this way in my relationship. We either do a party and all 3 attend or a party for each family. Why is the wife being left out? If it’s about the kid, then ask him if he wants the wife to go? I bet he says yes. Cant please anybody in this world!!
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If the child is young, yes until the son is older and comes to terms with his parents separation i agree the father needs to go and if you are comfortable and trust him thats what you should want also, you being there will only make people uncomfortable as well as yourself.
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Ok, the blame lies with his ex. She needed to invite BOTH of you. If she can’t be a big enough person to do that, have a separate party for him. My stepdaughter was in our wedding, I invited her mom so she could see her daughter.
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It’s not about you, and you dont get to decide if he goes. He is a father first and your partner after that. You dont need to throw yourself into it just for him to go and be a father to his child. Welcome it and even encourage him to be there.
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I’ve always been included in all of my step daughters events! We even sit with her mom at school functions when we can all be there! It’s not about us it’s about her and raising her together the best we can!
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Well, did the X invite you? If not, be generous and kind and let him go by himself to see his son for the emotional and mental well being of the child.and when X’s kid come over, throw him.one as well so the kid doesn’t think that you hate him. Not about the adults. It’s about the kids growing up without emotional ot mental trauma.
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My daughter and her husband have twins which are now 6. They have been having separate parties since their 3rd birthday. She has our family and friends at our party and her spouse have his family and friends at his house. It works out fine. The kids get 2 birthday parties. Same on the holidays.
That’s HIS son’s birthday party, to say if you can’t go then he can’t go is just wrong. What’s stopping you having a little party for him at your house on another day? You saying he can’t go to his own sons party will just cause resentment between the two of you. There is obviously a reason you aren’t invited so don’t try and ruin the sons birthday, it’s about him and his happiness nobody else’s. In an ideal world you would be invited and all playing happy families, some families this works some it doesn’t unfortunately. But never give him an ultimatum where is sons involved!
This isn’t about you. This is about the child. Both you and he had children with another individual so as much as you don’t like it, he will always have a link with her. If he is civil with his ex, it only benefits the child. If you going to the party is going to cause stress and awkwardness, stay home. Even though they are no longer together, it is important for the child to see his parents together and being civil. There will be many more occasions throughout the year where both of them need to be present (graduations, birthday parties, funerals, other family gatherings) and as much as you do not like it, it doesn’t have to include you. If there ever comes a time when including you doesn’t make the situation awkward, then even better but insisting on going somewhere that you are not invited or making it harder on your husband, doesn’t help. Put your insecurities aside and remember that it is not about you. It’s about that child.
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If he had any respect for her he would go only if she did…why don’t he want her there??That is is wrong in my book,it has nothing to do with being childish or jealous… It has to do with respect for each other bottom line.
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Sounds like you don’t have a great relationship with the child’s mother, most likely he doesn’t want any drama at his sons birthday party. Let the child enjoy his day with both his parents.
This is a lot of advise. I am a step parent and we occasionally had to attend a random part his x had for one of his kid . I never liked going but I did to support my husband , but if she said u are not welcome then he needs to step up and tell the x , u are his other half and if you are not welcome then he is not going and will have a second party at his home .
First off why don’t your husband want you to go? Second don’t deny your step son of his dad being there. But I would do a celebration at your home as well to show the son you care and love him and didn’t want him to think because you weren’t at the first celebration that you weren’t thinking of him.
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Well I was never invited to my husband’s kids birthday parties nor his son’s graduation party… that was perfectly fine with me, we would throw our own party for the kids! Now my husband only went to his sons graduation party(we live out of the state) while I stayed in a hotel. Now his daughters graduation was this year(because of Covid) it’s been delayed till the 27th, we will all attend, his daughter lives with us now and has for several years. After she walks the walk I’m sure her mother will go do something with her, but it’s a give and take situation with the ex! I never made a big deal out of it, they will be in each other’s lives forever! Weddings, babies and so forth, it’s just best to worry about the kids and not the ex.
I wouldn’t want to go to her house & he shouldn’t either. Y’all can celebrate the child’s birthday at your home. No need for him to go over & play nice. They had her chance to make things work between them. It’s ultimately his decision and if he makes the wrong one by going even though it makes you, his WIFE, uncomfortable then it’s time to shop for a new husband.
If you’re involved in their son, and you have a great relationship with the kid and love him as well, I don’t think the mother would have a problem with you going. Maybe the two women don’t get along, etc. and the father wants his son to enjoy his party without any drama. Whoever loves my kids and treat them well, they are welcome to be in their birthday parties, including their fathers partner. So, something is going on there that has nothing to do with the kid, but them the adults.
It’s good for your son to see his mom and dad getting all ng for his sake. I say focus on that and try to put personal feelings aside. I know it’s hard but ultimately what’s best for his sake 
Some of these comments are sad!! She’s the W I F E! Cause now I need to go and see what’s up 
why can’t I go? And a real husband not going if the spouse isn’t allowed! It’s a no for me if my partner can’t come then we’ll have to celebrate on a different term! They still have feelings and fooling around baby girl 
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Don’t ever tell your husband he isn’t allowed to go to his sons birthday party cause your husband doesn’t want you to go. Let your husband go. If I was him I would break up with you cause you don’t want your husband spending time with his son on his birthday.
I get where ur coming from. Me and my SO also both have a kid with an x. My sons dad passed away a few years ago but i would let my man go without me just because i wouldn’t want to keep him from his kiddo 
idk y he don’t want u to go? But if he thinks it will make waves at his kids b-day party? Either way i wouldn’t come between him and his kid. Sucks but still. Its best for the whole fam if every one cab be together but maybe u guys just are not there yet.
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so petty! If I was not invited to my womens kids bday I dont feel like id have a say. I support my women. I support her relationship with her kid no matter the hurdles her or we have to go through. If or when I step into a relationship with a mother I support the role of a mother as she should support the role of me as a father with women. Yes; there might be some underlying issues not stated. Idk. All I’m saying is that we have kids and every parent that wants to be apart of their kids lives has to do what they have to for the sake of their kiddo!
I have a daughter with my ex, and almost every birthday has consisted of having her dad, my husband/her stepdad and family together. The more, the marrier, I don’t see why that’s problematic to have everyone present
Hmmmm. Something is missing here. Most likely his ex doesn’t want you there. Maybe there is further hard feelings with her. Let him have a few hours with his child. They are over and you’re married and should feel secure in that. It’s her house and if she doesn’t want you there then that’s her prerogative.
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Put adult issues aside and do what’s best for the children. Co parenting is way more effective. Family therapy works wonders.
My ex and I still do stuff with just the two of us and our daughter. He’s also been invited to every birthday party. Wether he comes or not is on him. I stopped doing combined party’s with his family and mine a couple years ago when he decided not to help pay for it. That being said I would never tell my fiancé he couldn’t attend her party if her father was to actually throw one. Just like I wouldn’t exclude my ex’s fiancé from any party we have for her. Clearly there is something missing from the story, but let his son have his dad at his party. I’m sure it hurts your feelings to not be included because he is your step son and they are your family, but imagine how sad your step son would be if his dad weren’t there.
If you’re so worried about them ending up together then you might have bigger issues. He’s not a child and you can’t forbid him from going to his sons party! If I was him I would kick you to the curb if you tried! My partner has kids and I encourage his relationship with them. I would never stand in the way. The kid my just want his dad there and that’s ok. It’s his birthday! find something else to do with your time besides worry about unnecessary things.
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I always invited my ex and then girlfriend now to all of birthdays. When she graduated her couldn’t make but my daughters step mom did and sat right beside and pictures taken with us. A good relationship with both parents works the best.
Let him go celebrate his sons birthday! Why do u need to be there? For the child or for your own insecurities? If you want the kid to know you love and care about him as well then u can do your own special thing for him and apologize that “you couldn’t make it” to the party.
It’s very selfish of you to say he can’t go to his son’s party if you can’t go. This is the child’s special day. There is no drama. Needed and if that means that you can’t go for that reason then it’s a fair request. The son comes first, not you.
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We always had separate birthday parties. Neither of us showed up at the other one, we were always civil but we never really thought of doing it another way.
I didn’t allow my ex’s wife to my son’s 3rd birthday. 
I knew their relationship was already troubled and they weren’t going to last. They divorced before my son was 6.
He probably said she can’t go to keep the peace. Tension at the birthday party would hardly make it fun for anyone. You’re being over sensitive. It’s his child, who are you to give him an ultimatum about his child anyway gosh! You can celebrate at your house again but you can’t decide what they as his parents do between them, and you shouldn’t expect to have a say either. You can have an amazing blended family by respecting boundaries.
The way your describing “his kid” goes to show you shouldn’t be at that birthday party and as the father he should be able to just go to the birthday party if he’s been invited. If your civil and mature you’ll know that your husband will attend and respect you where ever he goes. His kid existed before you came along. Clearly your relationship isn’t healthy