My husband doesn’t want to take my mom, 63 years old and live together under the same roof. What should I do? I am the only daughter, and my mom’s health is not so good.
Figure out who you like better and live with them.
Don’t turn your back on family
That’s your mother. I’d ask him if it was his mother would he turn his back on her?
Keep talking. Understand his concerns. If you have brothers get them involved. Evaluate your mother’s resources. Does she need home health? Community social workers can help you sort everything out. Take care yourself. You are in a difficult position.
You only have one mom ! And she took care of you when you needed her as a child .Good luck with your decision .
There is way more to the story…
Find another solution, maybe an assisted living type home for her. Moving someone in means taking responsibility for them and their needs. It’s not something you should force your husband to do. It not only means this person will be in your home, but now there will be more financial burden, time burden, space burden, stress burden. You aren’t just saying hey I love my mom I want to help her, you are saying hey I want my mom to live with us, I want our bills to now include her needs, our personal time to now include her, or communication as a couple to now be influenced by her thoughts and presence…it’s not just “if you care about my mom you will do this” it’s “is it fair to put this responsibility on my husband, who clearly is not okay with it”
If you have brothers. They have wives , as you have a husband. Talk with them why should you carry the whole burden. It’s a family matter not just yours.
You’ve only got one mum, point blank. And if the shoe was on the other foot no doubt your mum would take you’s in.
Ask him if it was his mother needing help how would he feel if u told him the same thing? Exactly he wouldn’t like it…never turn ur back especially on ur mom…but also if ur mom needs extremely help try to get a permanent caregiver that u can trust to help her at home but then idk the situation but if it was my mom needing help…my mom’s moving in…he don’t like it… too bad idc what he says lol
First, I’d take an honest look, and ask myself why he doesn’t want it. Is he being selfish, or is there a not so good history with your mom? If she’s caused problems in the past, proceed with caution. There are ways to take care of your parents without moving them in.
If tell him to leave then that’s your mother. He’s very wrong.
He’s probably worried about privacy and doing what he wants in his home. Its a very hard decision because obviously you should take care of your elders but it may destroy her marriage.
My mom moved in with us in July, I am super lucky though, hubby on board
Get another husband you ONLY have
Find a apartment close by. Get social services to help with part time in-home care. She’s your mom. That’s true. But I know I can’t live with my mom ( different story). But it doesn’t mean you can’t look after her. Also, now might be a good time to reevaluate your marriage. Seems like there is more to the story.
There’s a story here. I can’t form an opinion not knowing what the story is.
Why does your husband feel that way? Where was your mom staying before? What are her health issues? Can you take care of her legitimately? What are her finances like? Will she be helping financially? Do you have room? Etc etc…
Never turn your back on your mother.
Im sure he has a reason…so im thinking there is a whole lot more to this story…HOWEVER…she is family…and family is the most important thing
Discuss why he doesn’t want your Mum to move in, he may feel he is protecting you from the work and responsibilities especially if you’re relationship with your mother is a but challenging
I have been in your shoes. It’s not easy to take on a parent, especially one with ailing health. Your husband is also your family and your relationship should not take a back seat.
I would suggest finding additional resources to help her. If she needs full time help, you need to find that for her.
As children, and I speak from experience, we want to help and fix it. If there are resources, use them.
Don’t risk your relationship with your husband.
Then move in with her !!
This is very hard on a marriage and in your home. Honestly, sometimes being in a facility with lots of activity, people her age, outings (when covid is done) etc that is all centered around seniors is better for them! Keeps them entertained and gives them basically built in friends. I tried having my dad live with me and after looking around and visiting several communities he found one that was basically like his own apartment (with kitchen, bathroom etc) that was in a large building. They provided all meals in a restaurant style setting (lots of choices and even a glass of wine with dinner) and it had an In house salon, mail room, woodworking shop, library, computer room etc that was shared. Each room had emergency pull cords and staff members Available if help was needed. They even provided shuttle busses to malls, etc. It was actually fairly affordable considering everything that it came with. And they had a separate set of floors for more advanced assisted living type care so that they don’t have to move somewhere new when they need more help. Sometimes we assume our own home is best, when really it can isolate them further. At least explore all options, none of them make you a bad daughter.
I wouldnt either. Thats invasive. My mil lives in a 5th wheel. Her health usnt good either but w 4 kids no ty. Plus she shows no respect toward our parenting. Can u really blame him though? Especially if she rude or has issues w him or is disrespectful to you?
It depends why he doesn’t want her there tbh.My mom kicked me out young so Idk how I’d feel about taking her in.Last time I tried to take her in,she refused to stay with me and went with my little sister so she mostly definitely getting sent to one of them😆
Ignore your husband…priority is ur mother…u can find another husband but not mother…
No spouse really wants to live with their in laws. I think you need a compromise. There are some really good assisted living facilities that she could live in and have great care and be around people her age.
I would feel like it’s my job as her child. There should be some understanding that this is not ideal for your husband either so maybe buy a camper and put it in the back yard? Build a good size shed to make her a tiny home? Just throwing out ideas lol
Your situation sounds like mine. My hubby didn’t bat an eye when it was a necessity. She had to take an early retirement due to declining health and pensions do not pay well so she had to move in with us. At the time he was my boyfriend and now we are married and she still lives with us, 3 years later. Is it hard? Yes. Would I rather her live elsewhere which will make me constantly worry? No. Make him understand. She’s your mom and she sacrificed a lot for you. If she needs your help (and trust me, she probably feels guilty for needing it) then there is no question. I hope he shakes his head and it works out for you!
This has to be a hard situation for both of you. But family is a blessing and it’s an honor to be capable to serve our parents in their time of need. Pray for your husbands heart and understanding, because as children it is our parents who serve us, but as they become older it becomes our turn to serve them. Prayerfully with open arms.Try to seek services that can come into the house to help you both as you continue to make time for each other. I pray all works out for your family. Perhaps there is a counsel for aging parents that can help you and your husband during this transition.
Wow, what kind of spouse would not allow their spouse to care for their elderly parents No matter if there’s more to the story, your spouse should be more supportive. Especially through this difficult time in your parents life:pensive:
Ive taken care of alot of family members. My mom passed away when I was 21. I would take care of my mom in a heart beat. We didn’t have the best relationship but you treat ppl how you want to be treated same goes for your husband. Its hard and it is a sacrifice. I’m also not married tho but Im learning to love myself so I feel like men can come and go if he loves you and cares about you its something that shouldn’t be discussed lightly there needs to be an agreement or mutual understanding. Best of luck!
Take care of your Momma! My Mom has Huntington’s disease and it was awful watching her health deteriorate, but I would do it all over again!! I’m 32 and took care of my Mom for at least 6 years before my older sister took her into her home for about the same and now she’s in a nursing home. I will never regret taking care of her however I would’ve never forgave myself if I didn’t!! Best wishes to you all!
I think you should do what is going to be best for your mother and you. You don’t want to regret things when she’s gone. She spent many tired years taking care of you and, in my opinion, it wouldn’t hurt to give at least a little bit of that back to her. Do what your heart tells you best. Best of luck!
Your husband is selfish. He dont have mother?
What if his mom was sick I’m sure he would n plus when he was younger she took care of him so now your turn to take care of your parents as much as they did for us as kids
I had the same situation. My Mom’s health was failing. I had only been married to my second Husband for a year. And we had a blended family. It was DIFFICULT! My Mom didn’t like my Husband and in the beginning it caused a lot of friction. There were days I wanted to Run. I had siblings but non stepped up. Long story short a situation happened and my Husband had to step in to assist my Mom because of his Love for Me. No Lie it was HARD. But I would do it all over again. I don’t know what health problems your mother has. But I’m just one year younger than Her. Due to my experience. I don’t want to EVER put my kids in that position. We have discussed it. My Prayers are with you in your decisions.
Uh… Moms can change the dynamics. I agree withthe hubs
Meh he would have to kick rocks and make pebbles… My Mom comes first no matter what!!!
Easy kick the husband out .
I wouldn’t ask my husband to move my Mom in and same with him…His Mom moved in with his sister an husband…explains why he works 2 jobs
You need a bedroom on a different floor then your bedroom and main floor with preferably her own bathroom. It gives her her own space also.
That why they have rest homes…She needs to be around people her age
Well this post is super vague. I mean… what is the reason he doesn’t want her to move in… if it’s simply out of inconvenience then he’s an ass… or is there is a valid reason he doesn’t want her to live with you…
That is a very difficult situation to be in. I can’t judge because you didn’t give enough information. What are your husband’s reasons? What are your mom’s issues? There are a ton of factors to consider when making a decision like this and it WILL affect your family life and dynamic. Don’t make it lightly. To all you nasty women saying to leave her husband, thanks for your consideration of her possible children and their potential broken home thanks to grandma. You have no right to say that.
I would like more information as to WHY. Personally…bad health or not if the mother is toxic,she shouldn’t want her in their home either.
My husband and I had this conversation about my parents and his. Our parents will not be moving in with us. If they get sick, we check on them. My father has heart problems, I go to his house twice a day and call him twice in between. My husbands mother has psoriasis of the liver and lives in a different state, we video chat her everyday. We feel it would cause too much in our house as our parents would try to over step boundaries with our children… maybe talk to your husband to find out why he doesn’t want her to move in. Yes she is your mother, but you also took wedding vows with your husband.
All of you are so quick to jump down the husbands throat, but you guys must be blessed with a nice mother in law… this post is so vague… there are absolutely no details as to why the husband doesn’t want her to live with them… for all we know she could be toxic af. It honestly sounds like details are being left out for a reason and you just want everyone to validate your feelings.
I just went through the last 3 years when my mom was waiting on a kidney transplant. So that everyone had their own space, but I was still close enough if she needed me, we moved into the same apartment building. That way I was there when she needed me, but my husband didn’t have to live with her. We tried living together before she got sick and all they did was fight over the kitchen. This way we all kept our sanity and she still had her independence too.
If she is not well, can she go into assisted living? If not, then it sounds like you and your husband need to rethink things. Your mom bore you, raised you, sacrificed for you, loves you. I believe it is your turn to take care of her. You only have one mother.
My daughter and her husband took me in. It didn’t work out. The 4 months living with them was hell. People can feel when they are unwelcome. If your mother’s presence is unwanted by your husband it will be a trial for all concerned. Is there an option to have her live close by and have in-home care? Could a small granny unit be made in the back yard? If you are in the USA and she is low income with few liquid assets, she may be eligible for some in-home care through Medicaid, which is a welfare program. People are allowed to own their home that they live in and get Medicaid. Or, In these days when so many have no employment, you may be able to find someone good to provide care for low cost. Maybe discuss options with her Doctor.
Listen to your husband!! Im in the same kinda situation and we’ve been living with my mom for 2 LONG years now and its really taking a toll on all of us including my 16 yo son. We cant get outta here soon enough lol.
That’s sad…I expect my husband to love the people who I love most especially if it’s my mother.
Well tell your husband he has to go then. Simple. You can always get another husband. You only have one mother.
Take care of ur mother cause when she passes u will regret not being there for ur mom when she needs u the most. She gave birth to u took care of u all those years made sure that u got what u needed and wanted. Men come and go MOTHER’S once there gone there gone
My parents, raised me. They took care of me when I was sick. They were always there for me when I needed them, and cared for me. No way, will I turn my back on them when they get to old to care for themselves. And no way in hell, am I gonna put them in some nursing home with strangers to take care of them. And just abandon them.
Trial it out,whilst making other arrangements…Your not quite explaining hubby’s reasons tho
Girl. That wouldn’t even be a choice for me!! Me and my mom have a rocky relationship but girl I would NOT EVER stay with a man who thought it was ok to give me that kind of ultimatum. Your mom raised you took care of you when you needed her and when you didn’t. And I’m sure she sacrificed so much more than you could ever possibly imagine … NOW ITS YOUR TURN TO DO THE SAME!! That guys gotta go forget that crap!! You would basically be choosing him over your own mom who NEEDS you! I’m sorry I know that sounds awful but it’s true!! Men come and go you will find one or he will find you who respects you and your mother!! You don’t need a man like that! Forget that!!
Build a granny flat and make her a home out of you home but still close and protected
You definitely need to have a serious discussion with him. Then all three of you need to have a sit down to go over house rules and expectations. But your husband needs to understand he has no choice. Our parents took care of us for 18 years of our lives thru everything and continue to in certain ways even after we move out and eventually have our own families. The least we can do is be there for them when they need us. It’s selfish of him to say no and ignorant.
Fb p status dalny s tho kuch nahi ho skta
Can you get a mother in law tiny house put in your backyard?
I love my parents very much so. I’m Mexican and we take care of our own. It was my husband who chose to have my parents move in our home. Now we feel pretty much caged in our own home. My dad is a sweetheart but my mom. She is driving us all crazy. I am the youngest of 6 and the oldest is a lost case. The other siblings in between dont care to help for NOTHING. we can’t afford other possibilities and I’ve built so much resentment towards my siblings for their selfishness and has caused so much hard feelings and it’s taking a toll on my marriage. So think long and hard about your decision. Good luck
we all have choices to make - my mom never wanted to live with her kids despite her having cancer on/off for 20 years- she would come for a couple weeks but really independent till she passed at almost 78 yrs old in her own home- my ex mother in law also was in a apt for elderly as there was no way me or my X husband at the time could take care of her and she really wanted her independence- at this moment my BFs mother is 91 and has an apt in assisted living - she is very happy - around seniors with activities etc… if your mom is failing health ? it is not easy to care for someone - if you work what will you do ? quit your job? I have been there already and despite everyone thinking they will take care of their parents it isnt easy and sometimes you have to be realistic about the situation- maybe you can help her financially and have her move close to you- it was nice yrs ago when homes had mother in law quarters good luck
Girl you bring your momma home with you or you move in with her , for she gave alot for you and now it’s your turn to give back to her, for you will never forgive yourself if you woke up one morning and she’s no longer there for all the what ifs and the regrets of not being there for her ,take this time to really get to know her take lots of pictures make videos for there will come a time that will be all you have .
You didn’t state why hubby doesn’t wanna her to Co, e live with y’all. . It’s best you find out the reason why that’s if you don’t know already
Plz give us full story
You respect your husband. Period.
I’m in a opposite situation. We love together with my hubbys mom and we are looking to get a house and she wants to move with us but she’s toxic, starts fights, lies, talks shyt about us to others in his family. She’s disrespectful to us. She’s a drama lover… so nope but hubby and me on the same page. She needs go to a nursing home because she starts fights with everyone but she chooses how far she goes with certain people. Burning bridges with other family members she can move with and comes to me and says she got into a fight with them she wants to love with us I said nope get your own apt. She doesn’t like to hear that because she would have to clean up after herself and cook for herself etc… She’s so lazy. And because of her laziness she’s semi handicapped and obese. She’s always playing the victim and nobody can feel sick besides her. She’s the type that if u say u don’t feel good she has to say well I feel worse than u or your pain don’t matter because it takes the focus off of me and she will litarly pick fights and call me a bad mom if I don’t feel good. My man has told me stories about how he grew up and I won’t even treat my children like that…
I really think u should sit your husband down and talk to him, ask him why he doesnt want your mother to stay with you. If his answer is it is my house well it’s your house too, and she is your mother if she is to stay with.you you could compromise see how it works out. While she is there you could look into assisted living. There are lovely places for her and people her own age. If you can’t come to an agreement I’m afraid u.may have to tell your husband she is my mother I’m sure if his mother needed help.hed help.her out also. So stick to your guns good luck in this situation
Not enough info. Why doesn’t your husband want your mother moving in?
It doesn’t matter whose mother it is, it will destroy your marriage. So yes, you have to make a choice. From someone who knows.
These are things that should be discussed before marriage
Every parents worst fear is that attitude.
Depending on their relationship is say if he disagrees with it then look for an assisted living facility near by. Then you can go there daily and he has his home
I agree with moving mom in. But remember one day it will be his parents moving in and then u will have to deal with that
Unless your mother is someone like Joan Crawford you take care care of her in her time of need. Without her, you wouldnt exist.
Make her a little tiny house in your yard or an added apartment. My husband agreed to move out of our own home and move into my grandmothers home with me so i could care for her she is 93.
At least He is honest and you know how he feels, unlike pretending to please you… respect that. Why DON’T you take her to the Retirement Village or Old Age Home…
If they don’t get along then it’s a bad idea. There are a lot ways she can be taken care, but it depends on her finances. I don’t care what my health is I wouldn’t impose on my children if their spouses didn’t like the idea.
My momma would move in. He’d get over it.
You would be better to go look at retirement villages together,
Your Mom is young enough to enjoy village activities,etc,
And with some villages there’s grading care for whenMom can’t live alone .
Then u visit her at dames that suit u All.
This way Saves your marriage too , good luck .
Husband has a mother? … One day the shoe might be on the other foot.
If you want to care for your mum… he needs to support you not make it hard for you… while he may have his reasons… you want to take on her care… that should be enough reason for him.
I’d move in with my mum … he can fend for himself until you have finished caring for mum… Betcha he will hate that decision more.
That’s ur mom you have to take care of her or put her in a nursing home or assured living asilit
Move in with your mom… She Raised you and if her health is at Risk go take care of your mom…unless you can afford to put her at a nursing home if not take of your mom.
He is entitled to his decision. Find mom alternative living arrangement.
I have read about half of y’all’s comments…so here is mine. I am 73.4 1/2 …well my birthday is in September, so this could be from the horse’s mouth so to speak. I hope I never have to go live with either of my children…a son with a wife and a daughter with a husband, who still have a young child, he is 11. As a matter of fact I am a great grandmother!!! My oldest grandson is 22, married, serving in the USAF. They have the 5 month old baby!
The comments that concerned me the most was the placement into a retirement home. They are very expensive. So if she owns the home she lives in, that property will be calculated into what she can pay along with whatever Social Security she has. Let’s face it, some of those places are not very pleasant. And the less you can afford, well go with that thought. And even if they sell her home, the facilities have a way of finding that out… 5 years I think is their background search for this info.
I am in relatively good health, although I did receive a head injury a couple of months ago when I fell. That does worry me.
I know for a fact that my son in law would not be receptive to me moving in with them. Yes, there has some bad blood between us.
My daughter in law would not have any problems with me, she has told me many times that when they build their new home, they will build an area for me!!!
And so I know y’all are asking how I know this. I also had parents (fancy that!). My Mom passed at age 66, so we never had to face any issues there, but Dad was 96!!! Even tho he had remarried, there came a time when his wife couldn’t…didn’t want to…deal with him anymore. She is a heartless female. He refused to come live with any of his 3 daughters…”yo tengo me casa” Fortunately we live in Military City, USA & he was retired USAF. So we found the most beautiful place for him that catered to our men n women who had served our country.
So after my long story, let’s not be so quick to advise this daughter to place her Mom in a facility because the financial part is hefty. And we do not know what the dynamics are between the husband wife and her Mom.
Maybe a caregiver who can go into her home to care for her might be the better choice for her.
Good luck sweetheart and God be with you and your Mom!!!
Also, if you have brother’s and sister’s, this is a joint decision between y’all. Good luck.
Bay girl move to your mom’s house
I wouldn’t have lived with my ex mother in law she was a nasty backstabbing monster
Why on earth would you want your mother living with you? Think of your sex life lol
To bad for him. It’s your mom.
If he doesn’t want it then don’t it can wreck a marriage.
Whats his reasoning behind it?? Its still your mom…
Your mother is more important
That’s rough is there a way to have an in law suite? Maybe a separate living space? That’s rough if they don’t have a good relationship.
What about helping her get home health or help pay for somebody to sit with her, during the day?
Ditch the husband, keep the mother. It’s awful he’s putting you in this situation. My husband and mom don’t get a long all that well but he would fully support taking in my mother especially if she was ill. As I would for him if it was the other way around
If it was his mom and you said no he would be mad. You only get one mom and you should never chose a man over her.
From someone who has taken in my father who’s help declined and had him live with us for almost 2 years, its hard. It strained my marriage, I’m not happy with my dad anymore. Once someone else is taking care of him I am happier. It was a lot with 2 kids even though he helped kinda.