Some people are more natural caregivers than others. I lose my mind if I am a stay at home mom so I work. For other moms, it doesn’t seem to be as challenging. Everyone is different. I would recommend talking to a therapist. Even if nothing changes in your house, the therapist can help you adapt and take care of yourself.
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Nope. You worked a full time job before staying at home with your child. Taking care of you’re child while your significant other is at work is now your full time job. Housework is another full time job in itself. So you did not leave one full time job to take on 2.
Your husband lives in the house too. He can help cook and clean. It’s not just your job.
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I work 40-48 hours a week plus all of the household chores. My house isn’t as clean as it used to be when I was at home with the kids but my husband doesn’t help. Do what you can but some things might have to give. I’ve noticed that my husband is happier when I do all of the boring stuff with the kids like making dinner, baths, keeping things clean and he can just be the fun parent. It’s a sacrifice that I make for him. My husband makes much more money than I do and pays the bills so I’m very thankful for that. I think as long as everyone in the relationship is doing what they can then that should be enough. I’m not saying that being a stay at home mom is easy. It’s not but it was certainly better than what I’m doing now. Maybe you guys have to have a talk nicely and calmly about what your expectations are for eachother. You are grown adults and neither of you are going to change. It’s all a matter of what you can handle personally
Being a stay at home mum is always hard work it’s tiring you don’t get a break. When you ask for abit of help he should hear you and not moan about it you are both parents it’s a joint responsibility to keep the house and the kids. Fair enough clean to the standard you can but don’t over do yourself! X
I’m sorry you are going through this. I to am a stay home mother , we have 4 children. My husband works commutes everyday. He tells me every day, that he couldn’t do what I do. Its hard very hard. But if I were you , I’d have a long talk woth him and see if you wanna continue that relationship. Because on top of all that your doing yoy don’t need to be put down. You need to be lifted daily someone who supports your mental health. You are strong, and brave and important. Really truly make a decision. Because that can kinda of negative in ur life, isn’t fair. Stay home mothers are hard workers - we carry the family on our shoulders every day
In my very humble opinion, his job isn’t done. He has clocked out of his job. Yet the house is also his, he helped make the children he is not parenting he is loading all the responsibility upon your shoulders. He still has a job to do at home. My husband is gone alot. He is home 2 or 3 days and let me tell you when I cook he cleans not giving me lip about I work blah blah blah. We have 2 toddlers, 7 cats and 5 dogs and day in and day out I care and do everything wheb he is home he steps up and allows me to take a much needed break. Bc not only do I have 2 toddlers but endless doctors visits and therapies for my almost 3 year old who is special needs. Women can do amazing super human feats but we are not super human MAKE him responsible for the other part of his life. A SAHM isn’t a slave
Just because you stay home and he brings the money does not mean his responsibilities as a father should be outlooked. Don’t allow yourself to be miserable because he doesn’t want to help you. He is an adult just as much as you. And kids are your job. All day. The house chores should be share
I must really thank the Lord for the husband he has given me, I also have 3 kids and also does the cleaning, and my husband also work alone, but the kids must also do their chores, and if I don’t feel to good hubby comes home and wip up something to eat, and he doesn’t let me do the washing, he get up @ 7 every Saturday morning and does all our washing. So your husband should help, kids take alot out of 1
He chose to have kids too didnt he? He likes a clean house? He like home cooked meals? He can help out then. Your a mom to 3 already, he’s a grown man you shouldn’t have to act like his mother as well. Staying home and being a “homemaker” isn’t easy just ask going out into the work field isn’t easy. It’s 50/50. So if you get things ready in the mornings, like lunches ect, maybe he could get the kids ready. Or if he leaves earlier maybe he could make the lunches. Things like that. The little things go along way.
My husband tried that and he found out I beleave in 50 50 work load around the house. When he realized that I was not going to do everything for him he went to mommy to do everything for him. When I told him his mommy does not need to do everything for him and I he wants me to do anything for him when I felt like it he needs to stop running to his mommy for everything. He now does things for himself. Still has his days were he thinks I have to-do everything. So now when he gets like that I do what needs to be done for me and My granddaughter and leave his stuff til he is ready to do ithimself
I worked hard in a factory and did all the household chores and raised kids and my X did nothing at home but go to work and come home eat, lay on the couch and fill his face everyday and watch tv til bedtime and then was ready to go if you know what I mean! All the while by 11 at night I was still going strong working at home and ready to collapse! Guess what? I got rid of him, lol!
Sounds like your husband is living in the 1950s. If he won’t recognize that childcare is a full tome gig, and that the housework needs to be shared, I suggest you take a nice long vacation without him and the kids and let him figure it out for himself, or leave him. Men who think women should cater to them make me sick!
Um, does he live in the house and contribute to the mess, laundry, chaos, and everything else? Is your vocation only a 9-5 gig, like his?
You live in the house, you help care for the house. You ARE NOT HIS FREAKING SLAVE OR MAID…after his work day is done, yours is still going. And YOU don’t get paid…he needs to get off his tookus and help.
Your partners share the load if both work but I’m retired all my husband does is grass mowing takes out garbage and that’s fine with me but when he retires it will be shared
You should lol what’s wrong with it!? He works outside of the home, you should do your part in the home since you’re, you know, home and all 
There are two parent households that both parents work, what does he think they do? Come home and ignore their kids? 
tell him to get his ass off the couch, there are soldiers coming home from tours over seas and you are damn right they are with their babies even if it is just a diaper change. Selfish. You’re a grown ass man you don’t get what you want all the time, the children did not ask to be born so yeah you lose fun time and free time. He better realize how much he’ll regret not being there for them.
Marriage counseling?
Just because he works, doesn’t mean you’re his maid. He still has responsibilities at home. But if he’s working, and coming home and mowing the lawn, washing the vehicles, taking out the trash, ext. Then he doing a lot. When my husband comes home from work, he doesn’t just sit on the couch. So it doesn’t bother me. When he does just sit or take a nap, that’s what bothers me.
Anyways, Marriage counseling is always a good idea. And if your household chores are too much, (with 7 people, I see that would be extremely hard) maybe hire someone to come once a week, or whatever works for you, to really deal clean to help you catch up.
The house is a job - he has a job and you also have a job. Do you help him with his job?
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There is no logic behind one partner working 40 hours a week while the other works over 100.
Add it all up and write EVERYTHING down.
His commute and time spent managing finances counts as hours worked. All your childcare, chores, and grocery shopping counts as hours worked. This includes doing all the “little things” your kids bug you for, and all the times you get up with them at night. If you are on call 14 hours a day (let’s say 6am to 8pm) including weekends, where you don’t get to sit for 2 minutes before you jump up to help a kid with something, that’s 98 hours a week right there. If you plan grocery lists or do more laundry or organize cupboards or make lunches after the kids go to bed, that’s more hours.
Then look at uninterrupted sleep, relaxation, and “me time.” Does he get hours of it each day while you are lucky to get 30 min here and there? Does he get to go out with friends on weekends and you don’t?
Write it all down – you’re likely to find a lot of inequality.
Now some families the man is working a ton of overtime or multiple jobs and ALSO barely has enough time to sleep, so then (although it’s stressful and hard work) it’s still equal that the woman is doing almost everything else.
Goodness me. Why shouldn’t you care for your home & family, your husband is working to keep a roof of your head. You should try to be a farmers wife & mother of 3 children under five, 2 extra farm employees living in a cramped home? Plus having haymskers and shearers to cook for. Gardening, sewing & knitting, keeping 4 cale tins full ech wee, and total responsibility for the children. My time was once a month, at 7:30 pm to attend CWI. I cannot believe how this generation seems to be ull of "me’ time. Yes, I am envious…
Not to sound old fashion but my man works 6 sometimes 7 days a week 5am to 6 or 630pm…and busts his ass for bill and all we need so I can be home with the kids…the least I can do is clean the space I’m in all day…I mean that it what we teach out kids right…clean your own messes…and I don’t mind cooking or cleaning for my man or kids. My man works hard and I can show I appreciate it in small ways like fixing his dinner and his lunch and coffee in the morning before he leaves for work…he does the ‘man’ stuff around the house but for the most part I do it and I don’t complain yea sometimes it gets a bit much with all the kids and the way school is at the moment but I honestly don’t care… I like having the time with my kids even the stressful days and I’m more that blessed to have a man that works hard and alil harder so I can be home instead of having to be working and doing daycares for my babies…I’m proud and appreciative my man letting me be home so I feel the least I can do is clean and cook and not bitch about how hard I got things being home…even those days were my 4 kids are driving me freaking crazy… and days he has off he does help out too so it’s not like he expects special treatment…I jus knw if I worked All day and got off id like to come home to a clean home and food…nothing wrong with wanting that done for him and me…the more we separate ourselves to clean up is more time we have separated then him coming home to clean and dinner and us eating together and then being able to relax together…I’ll take that over having to be right…and complaining he isn’t doing anything and making or bitching enough to have him busy cleaning my house too when he gets home…but I guess pick your battle but think about it too…would you not rather spend all that time your at home having time to clean it and be able to spend time with your man when he gets home from working…or keep at him about how lazy he is when he gets home from work cuz he can’t clean the house he doesn’t even get to spend much time in anyways.
This seems like a problem for a lot of stay-at-home moms I’m in the same boat I have three kids two in school and I’m the only one who does school doctor’s appointments keeping the house running holidays my husband goes to work every day and makes the money and pays the bills and that’s about all he thinks he has to do if he comes home from work I’m one of the kids bother him he’s grumpy the rest of the night if he comes here for lunch break and my three-year-old runs up to him he’s annoyed because he has limited time for himself on lunch break things like that is what make you resent and unfortunately sometimes it’s harder to leave so I say find someone to vent to that’s what I do and just keep letting him know how you feel that’s also what I do even though he doesn’t change I have to think of it as at least my children and me are taking care of and even though I don’t have a companionship I have to keep in mind that the children are stable and even though they don’t see their dad that much although he lives under the same roof they still see him a lot more than if I would leave with them because think about it if he’s that distant and disconnected living with you and the children if you decided to part ways I’m sure he would be just the same except for now the kids see Dad even less because you’re in separate homes and if he’s not pulling the weight while he’s living with you you can’t expect that he would if you separated. Sometimes this is a rough road for moms I do know some of my married friends that have husbands that are very involved who come home for work and play with the kids before they change out of their work clothes but sometimes the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and you had to have seen some of the selfishness when you met him I did with my husband and I still had children with him so focus on raising your children they are what matter try to stay positive good luck mama 
I’m in a similar position. I think it’s a matter of balancing it out. For example being a SAHM our job is our home and the kids but yes we do need breaks too because it’s a 24/7 thing for us. Maybe try asking for help on certain days or with certain things so that it’s not overwhelming for you both. Every other weekend take a day completely to yourself, get out of the house and just be in your own thoughts. Hope you guys find a balance💙
How about taking a job and hiring a nanny. He won’t have any argument about helping then.
I recently started an in home daycare, Monday-Friday 7-4:30. My hubby works Wednesday-Sundays on nights. We both work, we both have our own duties to fulfill, but we also both share our home and our kids. When we have time to spend together we do everything together and equally. He sucks at laundry and I suck at being a handy woman. Certain jobs are meant for certain spouses. When I was a STAH mom before daycare, I did everything, I burned out so quick! Lost my self, got extremely ill from depression and lost 30lbs. We fought, we separated, which made him realize when he had alone time with the kids how HARD it really is. He become much more appreciative, started helping out so much more (especially with supporting my mental health). We’ve never been better together! If anything now, we’re at our best 
I take care of my house, dog and 4 kids, one being a 7 month old baby. I work homecare sometimes 80 hours and can maintain my home, chores all by myself. Im not saying its not hard but if my partner said he couldnt help bc he works a regular job tell him to grow up and realize we dont need them but part of being a family is giving you some support when you need it even if you stay home. The fact that he gets depressed from helping his wife with family duties is sad. None of this should be an issue unless he has issues personally with how to be a real man.
And this is why, even though I didnt aspire to be a single mom of 4 (one being disabled) … I am glad that I was. I worked 2 to 3 jobs at a time, paid a nanny and still did my part the little time I got to be home and be with my kids. And I still found time to go out with my girlfriends every once I a while. Their father was no help and he had the audacity to cheat lol… I kicked him out and although I had a lot to deal with, I was HAPPY! Not at all saying you should leave your husband but you need to talk to him, get counseling or something. That machismo crap has no place in a real home. If he gets depressed because he has to help you, maybe giving him some midol or get him some estrogen to balance out his hormones! (Sarcasm)
I don’t have any “right” solutions to these situations , even though I’ve been in this same situation for 19 years. I do know that slowly, resentment starts to set in. That is one tough monkey to get off your back!
I feel you so hard. I have spoiled my husband but he get hobbies and I am basically not allowed to leave. I am sick of not being treated like a person but a full time housekeeper and mother of 4. I am fighting for my independence and demand he helps out plus give me time to seek joy outside the home.
Being a SAHM is a full-time job.
I worked full-time AND did all of the household jobs, with the exception of cooking. My husband suggested we pay someone to clean, but I said I’d prefer to pay myself. ( It is approx. 25% of what it would cost to pay others, but I am content with the amount. ) Meal planning helps a lot. Weekend grocery shopping includes all necessary items for the planned meals. Cooking is a LOT of work & should be shared. Also, ordering out 1-2X/week is helpful. ( I’ve always looked for coupons & deals. ) Every couple has to find a way that works for them. In addition, every parent needs some “alone time” EVERY week, doing whatever allows them to relax.
I had 3 kids in 4 years. Hubby wanted me to be a stay home mum. He worked long hard hours sometimes 7 days a week as a builder. We went for nothing. He sacrificed not seeing the kids awake for days on end. When he did get a day off, he let me sleep in. Took the kids to the beach and to the cinema in the afternoon while I got kid free time cooking a Sunday roast. They are all grown now and I see the same pattern as we and they were not born rich.
My mother had five children, four or 13 months apart and the last two or two years apart.
She was a stay-at-home mom for most of the time we grew up. She was also a farmer’s wife initially. She had hired men to cook for as well as care for her five children. However my father did help with childcare and he did cook occasionally as he was very capable of doing that. He was also very neat and tidy. He knew how to do his own laundry if he needed to. My mother washed colored clothes at night and white clothes in the morning. and my dad was the type of person that would rather dry the dishes and put them away then leave them in the sink.
Marriage and raising a family is a partnership. and just because one spouse works outside the home, doesn’t mean that the spouse that is stuck at home taking care of the kids and the house and the laundry etc doesn’t mean that she or he if that case maybe, doesn’t need a break and need their working spouse to take or give them a break.
If he lives in that house and makes messes in that house and expects to eat in that house and help create those children then he is equally responsible for taking care of the house, even if they just split tasks or he helps when he gets home.
I am a single mom so when I get home I have to make dinner and take care of the laundry and cleaning etc. Although my child is now older he’s not the greatest at helping unless I really push him to. But he is fully capable and I keep trying to make him understand he needs to learn how to do a little more without me constantly feeling him too.
Your role is just as important. Your at home so yes the household is your responsability. I did with 7 kids and worked full time so you will be good 
I’ve been a working mom, stay at home mom and a single mom. These issues need to be discussed before marriage. A stay at home parent works hard, but their work never ends. A working spouse need to pitch in with household tasks and child care after work, and on week ends, too. Each adult should pick up after themselves, and not make their partner’s job more difficult. We need to cut each other some slack during tough times, and try to make our spouses life more comfortable, out of love and respect. Stay at home moms are not slaves, nor are they children who are told what to do by the working spouse. And men are not children who need looking after. If both partners work and can afford it, hire a cleaning person regularly to free up some personal and family time for everyone.
I agree. There has to be a balance. If you are home and he works, then it is absolutely fair you are responsible for maintaining the household. I had a job and my ex husband didn’t. He would lay around and make more of a mess and get mad at me when I’d ask him to help out. It was like living with an adult child. I ended up divorcing him in the end because as long as I was with him, he wouldn’t adult. I then met my bf and if he was off, he would take care of things around the house or help me out. When we both work, we split household responsibilities and work the kids in so everyone does their share. If I am not working, I take care of the house. He will give me off on weekends where I don’t have to do much and he will even cook for me because I do it all week. But, while he is the only one working, I know it is my job to clean the house, do laundry, and cook. It is primarily time management skills. But, either way, it is a balance. If I don’t get some things done, it isn’t the end of the world. You have to set that precedent, though. Men typically don’t do well at taking blatant observations to heart. You need to communicate, not yell and get mad at each other, but find out why he feels the way he does and voice your feelings maturely.That way, you avoid fights. Counseling is good if there is an inability to communicate rationally with your partner or vice versa. If he doesn’t get it, you can also stop doing things required for him, let him pick up the slack if he wants to shove your position off like it’s easy. That usually opens their eyes quite quickly.
You should have found this out about him before having three kids with him.
Both work, both should do home up keep. No reason a woman who’s works outside the home should do EVERYTHING at home also.
Are you kidding me!!! DO THE COOKING AND CLEANING!!! If the man is working to support you you take care of everything at home. As a housewife THAT IS YOUR JOB! I am a housewife, and it pisses me off when I see or hear others don’t do anything at home or don’t want to/complain about doing it! THE HOUSE IS YOUR JOB, STOP BITCHING!!!
Make sure that there is a retirement account and financial planning set up for you. Otherwise you could go back to school and have him hire a nanny and housecleaner to take care fo the work while you retrain. He might get it more after he spends money on the labor it takes to maintain a household. Make sure you are financially covered. Every thing of value in both your name and if he walks away you have some sort of retirement money. A financial planner can set up an account so that you have your own IRA from deposits with his paycheck. You deserve half the income.
Not for nothing, but this is how I ended up getting divorced. My ex was never great about cleaning up after himself or doing household chores, but somehow (stupidly) I thought he would rise to the occasion after kids came along. He didn’t. I stayed home for 2 years after kid #2 (childcare was too expensive to justify working), and at that point, our life 24/7/365 became all about making things wonderful for him. It wasn’t about me at all - I was just there to facilitate and enable. Yes, he worked hard. So did I, and for longer, with no sick leave or vacation. I came to resent him to the point where I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to scream. I almost had a nervous breakdown. The divorce was a huge relief.
I got the therapy I needed to understand why I fell into that trap in the first place and how to advocate effectively for myself so I don’t end up in the same place. There is no way in hell I would ever go back to being treated as an employee and taken for granted by some clueless manchild.
My ex was astounded when I told him I wanted a divorce. He had no idea (he said) that I was even unhappy. I think many men will do anything to avoid having a hard conversation that might make them feel bad about themselves. This is immature bullshit. If your husband is too useless to participate in the life of his household and take part in raising his own kids, he should be depressed, because he’s failing as a human. That’s on him, not you. He can improve the situation dramatically by picking up a goddamn mop (or trash bag, or laundry basket) and being a considerate and loving spouse and parent. If he’s not willing to do that and doesn’t value your needs, what’s the point of him?
Nope! Communicate to your man that you need help. Just because he clocked out from work does not mean his job is done! If that’s the life he wants then he should not have had children! Sorry, there are days that both of you need to pick up the slack but as far as I’m concerned, our jobs as mom, nurse, cook, educator, secretary, maid, sex partner, shopper, and any other extra job we are bequeathed is HARD! We clock in around 6am and clock out the minute we fall asleep. And than we get to wake up in the middle of the night and tend to sick children. I’m not complaining I’m explaining. Nope! You voice your needs girl! You are his EQUAL! He’s not your dad he’s your partner! Remind him of the woman he fell in love with and remind him that oppression will only lead to him losing a good wife!
I was a singel mom of 4. They are grown now. I worked and a lot of double shifts when I had a sitter for after daycare and when they were latch key kids. They did very little around the house. I pretty much did it all except the yard work. My house was clean and I always had a project going on. And I had fibromyalgia, a bad heart valve( which caused migrains) and idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Quit whining, suck it up, that’s what grownups do. Be happy you have someone to pay your bills. Be happy you have an adult to back you up with the kids. Be happy you are not alone. Be happy you are loved. Honestly, I find it hard to believe you spend 8 hours a day just taking care of stuff when he is at work and your house is a mess.
I can relate to this so much. I work 60 to 70 hours a week some weeks and I still have to do all the cleaning laundry shopping taking care of pets. He does stay at home with my daughter but who wants get home from a 14 hour shift and clean ay? We are power women. One day we will get help hope all goes well for you:)
He should help also. You both would benefit from using Thrive. Its your daily nutrition.
Go get a job spend all your money on daycare. Spend all his money on bills, food ect. And then u guys still gotta clean, cook,ect. U get breaks for facebook. If u just need a 10 min sit down, u can. He cant. You should stop bitching and be happy u have that…
I did that for many years . Husbands think it’s a piece of cake to take care of the house the kids and all the other crap .
Do a timesheet, show him how many hours you actually work compared to him. He is working what 40 hours a week?
Record exactly the time you spend on each task, and that you are doing more hours than him… whatever you do more than him split in half and that’s what he needs to do to help
I had to re read the part about him getting depressed for having to help out around his own house and with his own kids. That’s sounds toxic and draining to both you as a mother spouse. The kids don’t need to see that. They need to see teamwork and parents working together.
He has to leave the house to go to work, you stay home with your kids. While i understand kids can be a lot, especially young kids, so is working. He may get 1.5 hrs of a break. You can break when the kids are entertaining themselves with the tv or taking a nap. You can have friends over, you can watch tv, u can surf the internet. He can’t do those things. Yes he should help out around the house but the bulk of the housework should be left for the person who isn’t working. There isn’t laundry to do every single day. If you’re as meticulous as you say with cleaning you don’t have to deep clean often. Don’t make being a SAHM more than what it is. Acknowledge and appreciate the work he does and he will do the same to you.
I think the answer to “how much cleaning/cooking should my working husband do?” depends on tons of factors that aren’t included here. Are your 3 kids under 5 and all still at home all day? Then expecting the house to be spotless and dinner to be homemade every day is a bit much. Regardless, if it is just not possible to maintain the house and kids to his standards for whatever reason, consider outsourcing whatever you can afford to. It’s not worth the arguing and stress to save a few bucks.
It’s been said a mother makes more money if it was added up send the average husband. So yes you are making money you just don’t get to see it.
MEN. STOP GETTING MARRIED.
TODAY’S WOMEN DONT APPRECIATE A MAN WHO SLAVED HIMSELF 60 HOUR WEEKS ONLY TO COME HOME TO MORE ISSUES AND COMPLICATIONS
TODAY’S WAHMAN SIMPLY TAKE TAKE AND TAKE. THEN BITCH BITCH AND BITCH
you’ve been WARNED. MALES of 2021 majority of whose who comes from a single mother household
He’s paying the bills and puts a roof over your heads suck it up , if he’s doing all your jobs when he’s at home when does he get his rest ?
Don’t be selfish
Men. Don’t get married in this day and age.
NOT once did this article mention anything about harmony as a family and an accomplishment as a team.
But you point to you imaginary scoreboard to compare to the work husband is bringing home to the family 
Cause your 60 hour painstakingly exhausting week will never be enough. Now you have to come home to a challenging Narcissistic wife
Men who marry the modern… Fefail today you are going to have work as an an indentured servant until. Divorce.
NO THANKS.
Have your spouse take the kids for one full day. Can he get all your kids fed and dinnner on the table? I am also a sahm and doing this helped him get some empathy. He is not putting himself in your shoes, clearly you are saying it’s not as easy as he makes it sound. My hubby barely feeds himself when hems got our kids for a full day. He had them for 5 days while was hospitalized after having our third. He came to the same conclusion it’s not possible. Sick kids, doc visits, and school. If you don’t hold your ground you will become resentful. If he can watch all your kids for a full day and keep them all fed and successfully make dinner a couples times on a break only then I’d possibly consider it.