My Husband Expects Me to Cook and Clean Because I'm a SAHM: Advice?

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QUESTION:

My hubby and I have 3 kids. He works, and I stay at home. He handles the money/bills/cash needs, and I usually handle food shopping.

I’m the mom that literally does everything from laundry for 7 people, cooking, all cleaning, bath, and bedtime, etc. It’s a lot for just me to do because he says his job is done for the day after work. I get he’s tired, but so am I, dude.

He is one of the firm ‘Believers’ that women have been doing everything for hundreds of years, and there’s no reason why we can’t continue to do it. We’ve gotten into a couple of good fights without it, and now he’s starting to help me more, which I have been noticing and has been helping me a little bit with my anxiety and stress, but I think he is becoming depressed because he has to help me.

Should I just suck it up and keep doing everything because he is the one who makes all the money and can’t afford to be depressed? Him being depressed causes a million more problems than it does when just I am.

I can still manage to keep my house and kids clean without turning to drugs or alcohol. It’s just in the state of healthwise I’m really not that healthy due to high anxiety and not eating or sleeping."

RELATED QUESTION: My Husband Refuses to Stay Home and Help with Our New Baby After I Had a C-Section: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“I’m a stay at home mom and I don’t expect my husband to do anything on the weekdays but hang out with the kids after work. Weekends I will ask for help here and there but again my expectation is his time to be spent more with the kids than house stuff unless things are broken that I can’t/don’t want to deal with.”

“I work and my husband doesn’t right now. Yesterday I worked from 9 am to 8 pm, and rushed home to hug my baby. Normally I work till 5 or 6, when I get home I help with dinner, bath, bedtime, and my husband gets to finally relax and shower. It’s crazy that some people think it’s okay for a stay at home mom/dad’s job to never end, but theirs should. This is also coming from someone who works with kids all day, and I still can’t wait to go home and spend time with mine!”

“I stay home, and he works 7 am to 3 pm M-F so I also “work” 7 am to 3 pm M-F when he gets home WE BOTH cook dinner, clean up, tend to the baby, and get the kids to bed. I work while he works by taking care of the kids and helping with their schooling and running errands. So when he’s off work so am I, and we slip into our “off work” duties which are shared responsibilities of our home.”

“I’m a stay at home mom. I worked up until this past year. So I have been both ends. I have 2 kids, who just turned 3 and 1. And yes. I cook. Clean. Do laundry. Change and bathe the kids. Everything. My husband expects me to do these things because I do not work. And that is absolutely fair. But he does understand that I have off days where I don’t get as much done as others because I spend some days dedicating more time to playing with and teaching the kids. Also, I expect him to do a fair share in taking care of the kids because they’re his kids too. And I expect him to clean up after himself to a certain extent. These things need to healthily be established, compromised, and agreed to have a healthy marriage. And if you cant come to those teems between the 2 of you, perhaps counseling is the next step for you both.”

“I’m also home with the kids. We are a team though. He works hard every day making the money. I work hard every day maintaining the house, cooking, homeschooling, so many things. I make sure he is taken care of and supported. But he does the same for me. When I come to him and tell him I need a break, he gets the kids and I get a break. Sometimes I get behind on laundry so he picks up where I left it. These things happen both on weekends and when he gets home from work. It’s about teamwork. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job too and my partner respects that with affirmations and actions to support me. It shouldn’t be a burden to help your partner. You’re supposed to be a team.”

“Are you trying to say that your husband turns to drugs and alcohol because he has to help you around the house…”

“Depends… Is it his house too? His kids? Does he make laundry and dirty dishes? Just because he has an actual job title doesn’t mean your job is any less demanding… If not more. Throw the whole husband away and start again lol.”

“It’s his house and his kids also and he can help out when he’s not working. If that makes him depressed he has a lot of issues and needs to seek counseling.”

“I worked full time and took care of a family of 6 with minimal help and it was not a chore. I’m a mom, I just do it. I also didn’t find it hard personally.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

93 Likes
2

You guys need marriage counseling. There is a lot more going on than just not helping.

1 Like
3

I leave my husband alone during the week but when the weekend rolls around it’s everyone helping and pitching in…I do also agree with a pp about underling issues as well I think before things really spiral you guys need to talk or seek help

1 Like
4

Have him do your job for a week… I went through this with mine. 3 kids and his 91 year old mom.

1 Like
5

I’m a stay at home mom and I don’t expect my husband to do anything on the week days but hang out with the kids after work. Weekends I will ask for help here and there but again my expectation is his time to be spent more with the kids then house stuff unless things are broken that I can’t/don’t want to deal with

12 Likes
6

You all need to go seek marriage counseling. There are more issues here then what is on the surface.

3 Likes
7

Are you trying to say that your husband turns to drugs and alcohol because he has to help you around the house…

5 Likes
8

You both need to switch rolls for a solid week and he will then understand u do way more than he does

2 Likes
9

Just make sure you show your appreciation (beyond just a thank you) Parenting takes 2 parents no matter who brings in the $$$. I know I was a better WIFE when my husband was a better father, if you know what I mean?!?

1 Like
10

Ok. Unpopular opinion. If you knew he felt that way why did you have kids with him? He isnt going to change. You need to realize that and ask yourself if you can deal with it or leave.

11

Maybe he’s not depressed at all & just realising what your duties involve & finding it hard to express his apology or whatever.

12

So say his job is M-F 7-5 and then he’s off for the rest of the time…so when do you get your “time off”? If you are a couple married or not and you are raising kids together it is both of your jobs. Its just as hard staying home as it is having a job. They are both stressful. BUT you both have to help each other. Its team work. And you both have to take time off for date night with each other. That is very important too.

1 Like
13

I work and my husband doesn’t right now. Yesterday i worked 9am to 8pm, and rushed home to hug my baby. Normally i work till 5 or 6, when I get home i help with dinner, bath, bedtime, and my husband gets to finally relax and shower. It’s crazy that some people think it’s okay for a stay at home mom/dad’s job to never end, but theirs should. This is also coming from someone who works with kids all day, and i still can’t wait to go home and spend time with mine!

8 Likes
14

Think of it this way if you didnt have children would you be working, if yes ,he should be helping ,dont ever think ,hes making the money and your not ,you have a 24/7 ,365.days a year job and you dont get pay ,or sick leave, or holidays so dont feel guilty

17 Likes
15

My husband helps me with the kids, bathes, bedtime, school work etc. Now we both work but he works WAY more hours than me but he still helps even though he’s tired.

16

I’m a stay at home mom. I worked up until this past year. So I have been both ends. I have 2 kids, who just turned 3 and 1. And yes. I cook. Clean. Do laundry. Change and bathe the kids. Everything. My husband expects me to do these things because I do not work. And that is absolutely fair. But he does understand that I have off days where I dont get as much done as others because I spend some days dedicating more time to playing with and teaching the kids. Also I expect him to do a fair share in taking care of the kids because they’re his kids too. And I expect him to clean up after himself to a certain extent. These things need to healthily be established, compromised on and agreed to to have a healthy marriage. And if you cant come to those teems between the 2 of you, perhaps counseling is the next step for you both.

5 Likes
17

It’s his house and his kids also and he can help out when he’s not working. If that makes him depressed he has a lot of issues and needs to seek counseling.

4 Likes
18

He absolutely should help out, especially with the kids. They are his too, meaning his responsibility. I’ve been a sahm for 9 years and there’s been many times where I had lost my marbles completely due to exhaustion, physically, mentally and emotionally. We as mothers need support, maybe not the whole time but when we are overwhelmed. Otherwise we are no good to anybody. I do not expect my husband to do everything, but I expect him to give me a hand with shared responsibilities around the house. He also lives here and makes a mess. We’ve been together almost 11 years, marriage isn’t always 50/50. Sometimes its 60/40. Sometimes one needs more slack, more emotional support and given more help. It goes both ways. Hope you get this worked out and get some communication flowing. Good luck

1 Like
19

Depends… Is it his house too? His kids? Does he make laundry and dirty dishes? Just because he has an actual job title doesn’t mean your job is any less demanding… If not more. Throw the whole husband away and start again lol

3 Likes
20

He sounds like a jerk it’s his family too and he should help out once in awhile

21

My ex used to say its not a competition when I brought up that I was doing all stay at home stuff plus work and he wouldn’t help… let just say it took a toll on me that if I was able to do it all… than I could be a single mom… well we are not together anymore. Two people create the children everyone makes the mess… he should help! Maybe not extravagant but he can bathe the kids and help put to bed, do some dishes etc…

3 Likes
22

It’s not just the woman’s job to keep a house clean or take care of the children… he lives there he helped make the children it’s his responsibility to help keep the house clean and help with the children as well.

23

He’s depressed because he has to vacuum or do a few dishes?? :rofl::rofl::rofl:

2 Likes
24

His job should also include taking care of you (to an extent of course)
A marriage is supposed to be a team

2 Likes
25

I have server anxiety can’t sleep or eat

26

I think he should be helping. You don’t get days off from your job and it’s a lot of work. It’s ok to ask for help. My husband works really long hard hours and when he gets home he says it’s wife pleasing time. And does anything he can to help and make my life easier. I also think the more we show appreciation to our spouse the more they help. Maybe some marriage counselling could help. Good luck to you guys :hugs:

27

I’m staying home with my daughter right now. Her dad helps with her when he gets home. If he’s busting his butt at work, I feel like cooking/cleaning is the least I could do. I set good cleaning habits for myself and that has helped a lot. However, self care is important. Do some yoga, exercise, go to the doctor if you need to. Just do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy and healthy

28

He should get you hired help then

29

I work full time. I have 3 kids from a previous relationship and 1 with my bf. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, bed time, bath time, also responsible for budgeting all the money, and making sure all the bills get paid on time. My day starts at 430 AM to be to work by 530 to get out by 2 my day ends when I get done putting everyone to bed and finishing the house tasks I didnt get done for the day. My bf works usually 7-4 his only responsibility for the day in the AM is dropping our child off at the sitter on his way to work on the days I have to work. After he gets home he does whatever he wants and I usually dont see much of him until its bed time. His days off are spent doing whatever he wants (our son goes to the sitter on his days off unless I am home) where my days off are spent catching up on things I haven’t had the time to do around the house or errands I haven’t had the time to run. Its alot to take on and at times it makes me miserable. He doesnt help with ANYTHING unless I get cranky and complain. Then he will do something tiny to shut me up and then he does nothing else until the next go around of crankiness. It’s not intentional on my part but I hold alot of responsibility, get overwhelmed and tired. I cant help it. But on a positive note, I think I’ve gotten things more under control as time has went on. I hope you find a happy medium. Best of luck.

30

Who is the other 2 people

3 Likes
31

My husband works while I stay at home. A part of our budget is get a cleaning service at least once a month to help take some stress off my plate as a stay at home mom. If I do a good enough job with the penny pinching I treat myself to 2x a month. Is this an option??

32

He should pitch in if he knows your overwhelmed. Pick a day and when he gets home tell him you need a couple of hours for yourself. Get in your car and GO! He will get the message.

33

Get rid of him. You are better than that!!!

34

If you stay home it is your responsibility to keep the house clean and cook. And he also should pitch in and help.

1 Like
35

it makes me sad that people live in relationships like this :frowning: maybe it works for some but it shouldn’t be an expectation nor should you be made to feel like this… my fiancé works and i stay home with our daughter who just started half days for 4K. i’m also 37 weeks pregnant with our second. some weeks he works 40 hours and others he works 60+ hours a week but he still comes home and helps cook dinner and asks if i need help with anything. i handle the laundry and cleaning bathrooms etc simply because i like it done my way but he knows certain things like carrying the laundry upstairs and vacuuming hurts me right now so he does it for me even after working a 12 hour day… does he want to come home and do it probably not but he does it to take care of me because we’re a team

4 Likes
36

Take a night for yourself when you can. Plan it out with your S.O… Everyone plays their role but we all need a break to just be ourselves.

It’s very valid to feel the way you do.

Ive been on both sides. The one who doesnt make the money and the one that does. Trust me, life is taxing on both sides. Each one of you deserves to just be yourselves for at least a few hours… Ask for some times for yourself and offer him to have his alone time also. Eventually, hopefully, you both will realize you want the chaos of what you two have because its what you love! Life is hard enough, all we can do it try to make it easier on the ones we love.

2 Likes
37

This is my fiancé to a t! I gotta tell him to do stuff or he won’t do it!

38

Your health is just as important as his! Mental health too! What your kids see and vibe from you daily affects their upbringing as well. They need 2 healthy parents. If he’s crying about having to help, boo hoo he needs to suck it up. Being a mom and keeping up with a house plus everything else is a full time job plus over time daily. Your job doesn’t stop at 5 (or whatever) like his. He helped create the kids he needs to help raise them. I am a stay a home mom who just recently went back to work part time. We have 5 kids altogether and my guy helps. When he gets home from work he helps with our 9 month old tremendously if I ask him to do something he does it. We are a team, everyday.

39

It sounds like you both need to see a therapist to deal with commication issues. Yes he should help but, you signed on to this agreement too.

40

Mine only cleans or cooks on his one day off. He works for 10-7 or 10-8 m-s. I do it all. He does his own laundry and my stepsons. By choice.

1 Like
41

A marraige is supposed to mean the two of you are a team. What if you worked and he didnt…would you expect to just come home after work & be done for the day since you were the one making the $? Of course not. Its that “little woman” syndrom & its not right. The kids are both of yours, so of course he should be willing to help you with the house & kids. And if that makes him so unhappy, then he really does need to get some therapy to snap him out of that nonsense or you need to find a more involved partner to raise a family with. Good luck!

1 Like
42

I was a stay at home mom for 4 years with 2 little ones and I would cook and clean day and night and cook 4 meals a day but on his days off i would let him sleep in as long as he wanted but once he was awake it was his turn to cook clean and care for the kids we have 3 you just have to find what works best for the both of you now we both work and take care of the kids equally!

43

If you dont want to do it switch roles, you go out and support the family and he can stay home. Its not so easy is it, we dont see the pressures men have and the burden they have supporting us. Quit stressing and getting worked up about it just do what needs to be done. Having been the breadwinner at one time, just because you physically have left work doesn’t mean you have mentally, cut him slack.

6 Likes
44

I stay at home too. And yes I do expect him to help out with the kids because they’re his too. Luckily he helps me out with whatever I need even after working 6 days a week 12 hour days.
I do not get why some men are like that. He even has me on his bank account and tells me I can get whatever. We’re not rich, but I know how to handle money & not go broke.

45

I feel like you’re if you’re going to be a stay-at-home mom that is your job. I’ve been a sahm, a single working mom, and either way if I don’t do it it don’t get done. Its the point now where my husband tries to help me and that annoys me worse.

3 Likes
46

Did he say he was depressed- or he acting like it? … Either way… :rofl: it sounds like lies n he playing on your empathy.

How many little humans do you have? Let me ask you, do want them to grow up loving a person that you are and what your husband is ?
I was a sahm another chapter of my life, and what that became was more a tuga’ war battle of power and ownership.
My advice, think about the above and STOP doing it all.
Not saying don’t do it, but idgaf if your home n he works, the days load in entirety can not be only your responsibility. He’s a grown man.

47

Depending on the age of your kids maybe they should be helping too. Even young ones can load/unload the dishwasher, help sort laundry, empty trash, pick up clutter, and run the vacuum.

48

I stay home, and he works 7am to 3pm M-F so I also “work” 7am to 3pm M-F when he gets home WE BOTH cook dinner, clean up, tend to the baby, and get the kids to bed. I work while he works by taking care of the kids and helping with their schooling, and running errands. So when he’s off work so am I, and we slip into our “off work” duties which are shared responsibilities of our home.

7 Likes
49

Go to work and split the bills and childcare, and chores. Family unity :heart:

1 Like
50

You’re both a team , I taught my kids pick up after yourself or it goes in the trash and all six kids had chores every day

1 Like
51

I honestly don’t believe it’s acceptable. But depressed, what is he really doing…need a better explanation. I am a working Mom and I still make time with my two kids after work and still go to the gym. I am veryyyy busy but I make it happen. I don’t cook dinner every night but my house is clean and organized. I broke up with my partner partly Bc of him not being a team player amongst other things. If people really care, they help out. I’m tired too but I do it Bc I love my kids and family. Love is an action. Helping around the house is love.

1 Like
52

Get the kids involved doing housework.

53

My husband and I are a team. I’m currently a stay at home mom and he works a full time job as a software engineer. He helps with alll the things…we are equals. Being a stay at home mom is a freaking job! We have three children that are virtual learning, a 16 month old and I’m 31 weeks pregnant. We both make dinner, do laundry, clean the kitchen. Just because he’s getting paid doesn’t mean he shouldn’t help around the house. It’s his home to…and I’ll be damn if he would ever think it’s ok not to help even when I’m not pregnant. I’m a momma to our children. he’s a grown man that if god forbid anything happen to me he will be able to care for our family and work! He might bring in the paycheck but it’s our money and we’re a team! He’s no more important than I am because of that.

54

My hubby works fulltime and I work part time and I do everything… but he works 12 hour days (including breaks) on a dairy farm so I dont expect anything… however on his time off he will wake up and clean the entire house just because… I think that’s why I dont mind.

55

I am a stay-at-home mom. I enjoy cooking & cleaning for my family. I also pay all the bills & we grocery shop together. I never ask for help because I know he works all day. He comes home & helps clean, takes the trash out & helps with dinner. He also helps with our babies… At the end of the day I don’t expect the help but then I do because that’s just who he is. Team work goes a long way… I couldn’t do what my husband does. He sacrifices alot for us & coming home to a dirty home or no dinner is just not an option especially when I am home all day. I want all his stresses of the day to be gone when he’s home. I don’t try to add to it!

3 Likes
56

This sounds exactly like my life. He works very hard, yes, and I appreciate that! I stay home and do all the stuff. All I really ask him to do is put dishes away and pay attention to us… but here I sit alone on the couch… but happy wife happy life. I just tell him no loving bc he didn’t pay attention to us. 12 years together, I’m very blunt to him and tell him to do things. I don’t even care anymore if he thinks I’m being mean. He gets to deal with it! :woman_shrugging: we love each other though haha

57

Team work makes the dream work :raised_hands:

2 Likes
58

Well I can tell you that I work. And then I come home and help my wife with the kids and cleaning the house.

7 Likes
59

And also cooking dinner for my family of 6

4 Likes
60

Listen, I didn’t make these kids alone, and I ain’t raising them alone. If I get good enough at doing that, wtf I need him for? He gon’ pay me either way.
Having said that, you don’t get to complain about this shit after having 3 damn kids, lady. You knew what bed you were getting into, now you gonna have to shut up and sleep in it. lol!
You need to figure people out faster!

61

Sounds like you guys need to become better as a team. My husband works long hours, sometimes over 24hours forced. I always find time to cook/clean. If you’re a household of 7 I would imagine you have at least 1, maybe 2 children who are old enough to help out. I don’t mind doing all the house chores. I do laundry, cook, clean, basically by myself sometimes. Maybe it isn’t as hard for me since we are a family of 4, or since I enjoy doing house chores. But when my husband does come home on a regular 8hr shift day, he immediately helps out with kids & helps cook, clean, take trash out, take dog out, etc. so when he is out working those long hours, I’m super appreciative & thankful & make it a goal to have the house clean when hubby comes home

1 Like
62

I’m also home with the kids. We are a team though. He works hard everyday making the money. I work hard everyday maintaining the house, cooking, homeschooling, so many things. I make sure he is taken care of and supported. But he does the same for me. When I come to him and tell him I need a break, he gets the kids and I get a break. Sometimes I get behind on laundry so he picks up where I left it. These things happen both on weekends and when he gets home from work. It’s about teamwork. Being a stay at home mom is a full time job too and my partner respects that with affirmations and actions to support me. It shouldn’t be a burden to help your partner. You’re supposed to be a team.

3 Likes
63

Everything should be 50/50. Even on days my hubby works he helps around the house and with our 4 kids. And he works 12 hour shifts.

1 Like
64

I’m a sahm currently, I take care of my kids (and his upon occasion) and he gets up for work at 3a.m. comes home to me around 5:30pm depending on the work day sometimes he’s home earlier, but he helps cook, clean, do dishes while I bathe the kids, takes the trash out, even helps me with our 2 month old, feeds him, changes him, holds him, etc. Some of it is a given but a lot of it is a team effort. I’ve been in a situation with my ex where I’d work all day come home, and I’d have little to no help with anything. It was a struggle for him to change our sons diaper or even make him a bottle. (I have 1 child from a previous relationship as my current bf does, and we have 1 child together.)

65

Sometimes it just gets too much. Some women end up having nervous breakdowns with or without the support of their husbands. I pray for strength for each mother, wife and daughter out there. It isn’t easy but shit ladies we make it happen :champagne:

66

Sweetheart, yes, you should be cooking dinner. My old man works his ass off so I can stay home, take care of my son, and be able to keep & take care of my terminally ill pops in our home…and even having to deal with NTI, on top of everything else, he has dinner every night, and a clean house. He sacrifices for us and I sacrifice for them.

67

Sorry but if he’s out working and you are home then you should be doing the housework and cleaning and looking after the kids. I did it for years. It’s not hard

8 Likes
68

I would get your children to start doing some chores, my husband works full time and I work part time and we have a good system going in our house where we all pull together to keep the house tidy, my 2 year old even packs his own toys away before bed lol (I don’t Force him he does it on his own accord) maybe you should sit down with your husband and children and write a housework plan with names and chores to do, get the kids involved and give them pocket money at the end of the week for the chores they have completed! Hope this helps x

69

You need to figure out how you can work as a team. My partner and I have five kids together, I work from home, he goes to work all day. I do the vast majority of housework (I’m in the house all day, of course I should) but if I’ve not had the chance to hoover the stairs or something he’ll obviously see it and just do it. We just look at what needs to be done, and tackle it together. That’s the foundation of a good relationship.

70

when I was at home and hubby was at work I did it all on the days he was at work. but on days he was off he had to help. now we both work so we both have to do the same

1 Like
71

My partner works full time, I don’t work myself, my 2 kids go school till 3, some days I’ll clean some days I’ll watch Netflix’s for the day :person_shrugging::rofl:

1 Like
72

They’re his kids not a job I’d honestly tell him to grow up and stop being depressed about having to look after them. U have nothing to feel guilty about

73

Your oldest child is helping you? Now that I am reading it again?

74

It should be a effort from both of you, idc if it’s him working 80 hours a WK or you or both! A marriage or even raising kids it takes two. I have been a single mom with two, and I still needed someone!! Even if it’s time away for a few hours grocery shopping etc as a parent you never shit down! But need to have you or us! I am only second marriage of 20 yrs.24 together. Have 2 kids pre. And now our child together is going to be 20. But have had our 4 grandkids for over 2 yrs now. We have to make time for us as a couple and us as being a person. If you guys can’t find time to make that time, then maybe it time to think different. I have had anxiety and depression but if you don’t have someone to go threw it with it sucks.

75

I wanted to add…
I do obviously the bulk of all household responsibilities including cleaning, laundry, any and all ‘adulting’ tasks like the boring waiting on hold and the paying of bills and budgeting. My hubby literally calls me from work about what insurance plan he is supposed to pick, when his dr’s appts are, when he is due for dental appointments etc. And I have NO problem with this. It fits us and our personalities, and the fact that he doesn’t expect me to do it makes all the difference. We both respect the others contributions.
I think you just have to find a balance that works, we all have strengths.
I have nothing I expect him to do except car maintenence and the handyman stuff. He helps after dinner generally by either playing with the kids so I clean in peace or he helps clean. Or I clean up in the morning and we all spend time together.
My hubby says he would struggle to handle my workload (I know he could do it but the acknowledgement means so much), and since I worked to put him through grad school and currently work from home as an author we really don’t care about who is making the money. His pays the bills, mine pays for extras.
These issues will fester if not addressed now though.

2 Likes
76

Working outside of the home does not eliminate his responsibilities of being an adult or a parent. If being an adult or parent is too depressing he needs to seek help. Not stop taking care of his responsibilities.

125 Likes
77

Also to throw this in there, my dad worked 60 hours as a welder out in the hot sun and he still come home to clean around the house, take my mom shopping and play with me without complain. There is no excuse for a partner to be so negligent with the household chores.

26 Likes
78

Sorry, I think men who use that logic just want a cop out from their responsibilities. Tell him you want to hire a cleaner and babysitter once a week since he doesn’t want to help. I just don’t get how him helping you is causing him to be depressed, men typically desire being needed.

7 Likes
79

Stay at home means the home is your job. If you want to split the responsibilities get a job, otherwise it is already split. I will say that parenting is 50/50 no matter what but it is your job to handle parenting that needs done during the day, like school.

12 Likes
80

If you are unhappy with the current situation then you both need to sit down together and make a plan. Like after dinner he helps you clean the kitchen and he can entertain the kids while you take a breather at least a couple times a week. You can do the laundry and set it aside for him to put away when he gets home, at least his own clothes. You the shopping while he stays at home and he can put the groceries away while you start supper. It’s all about balance

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I’m a stay at home mother and my man doesn’t lift a finger at home I do everything even yard work… he works hard all day for our family, he should be able to come home after a long day of work to a clean house, animals fed … we have four pit bulls & two cat inside & make sure dinner made. A mother job is never done that’s just how I was brought up. Been together 11 years

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Personally. Anything to do with kids including laundry and meals should be split. I would say general cleaning and upkeep maybe a few of the meals (maybe breakfast and lunch) and such would be for you to do like a “daily” job. But dinners, weekends kids care should be divided. I’m sure there’s a compromise of responsibilities that can be made.

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No he should help. If he can help make the kids he can help with them. He gets breaks at work he gets paid for what he does he gets to socialize he also gets to clock out. He needs to step up and shouldn’t be a thing about worrying so much about him being depressed. What if you get depressed? That could ruin everything to because your family relies on you too. This isn’t the 50’s.

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Nope, fuck that noise. Being a stay at home parent is a 24/7 job for 17 years with no breaks, atleast with a job you get out of the house, you interact with other adults, you get to go washroom in PEACE, you get a BREAK to chill and eat for abit before you get back to work. My bf helps me with our girl when he comes home which is only 2 days out of the week cause he has a camp job. He rests for 2 hours than gets up and helps me change diapers, cook food and does the dishes for me and does errands and watched her so I can take a nice long shower or let’s me sleep in and he’ll take her out of the room and watched cartoons with her and cooks us breakfast. Every parent needs help and every parent deserves a break. Men think they do an enough job by going to a 8 hr job and come home and don’t need to help with shit accept the bills, nope, throw that mindset away, help with your fucking kids, help cook, help clean, go outside and play with your kids.

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I finally got the privilege to be a stay at home mom with my second. Its hard work! I really think going to work gives you a break but at the same time getting off work to take care of kids is hard too. Staying home is a different hard. Maybe you can find a balance? I know it’s hard. I sometimes get frustrated and feel like I do everything expect work but you also have to look at it from his eyes. He probably feels like he works hard and where does his hard earned money go or when he comes home he deserves a break… But you deserve a break too. If he likes football maybe he can fold laundry while he watches. Ya know? Or if he likes to play with the kids. Maybe he can take them for ice cream on a certain day so you can have 30 minutes alone. Sometimes to get a man to help. Another thing I just thought of… Usually not always but usually it a man feels appreciated he will do more. Like, it’s silly, but I’ll ask my husband to open a jar or something and I remind him how strong he is. Men love that stuff. Try googling some ideas. Its amazing what you can find on the internet.

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I wish. I work, do all daycare drop offs/pickup, and we stay home just the baby and I on weekends because his days off are during the week and I still have to clean lol. We’ve gone rounds about him helping more, and sometimes he does… but mostly it’s me, unless I wanna be a nagging bitch all the time.

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You should not feel guilty and deserve some time off and help! Isn’t only your responsibility to do everything, if he was home and hou worked you would still do more! XO kids can help with chore lists as well!

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My motto is this- if both parents work full-time, employment, household duties and the children should be 50/50. If one parent works full-time and one part-time, the part-time parent should do most of the household responsibilities. If one parent works and the other stays at home, the stay at home parent should do everything pretty much. In my mind, that does not apply to the children, but domestic responsibilities only. Why would any loving Father not want to play with their children, do a couple of bathtimes if it’s early enough and help put their kids to bed? Reading a story, communication about their days, children feeling listened to and getting attention is what develops deeper bonds and makes them feel loved. Research suggests that the time just before bed is one of the most fundamental parts of the day, emotionally and mentally for children. The time you spend with them/ that story/ cuddles and kisses etc. X

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Well this is what I do with no complaints. To each there own I guess it is 2020 so :person_shrugging: lol

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He does not live in a hotel with a maid or at home with his mama.
So yes, he should absolutely be doing his share.

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I’m a SAHM and we work from the moment we open our eyes until the moment we fall asleep. While your husband’s contribution pays the bills, his 8 hour work day versus your 18 hour one is not equitable. Get professional help for your mental health and have a realistic discussion about what you are each contributing and what can be let fall to the wayside.

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I was raised that it takes 2 to tango so the kids is both our responsibility and if the man makes a mess he should be the one to clean up his mess

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I like the cartoon that I’ve seen on FB… where the guy comes home, the kids are in the yard half dressed, walks in the house, everything is all over on the floor, dishes in the sink, super Not made, dogs Not fed… He finds his wife in bed with her feet up watching TV, he asks her, " What’s going on, nothing is cleaned, no super, kids playing outside… & you’re in here, what gives…? " The wife calmly replied, " Every day you come home to a clean house, super made, clean kids, dogs fed, and you Always Ask, " What did YOU DO ALL DAY. ? " WELL ", she continued, " Today, I DIDN’T DO IT…! "

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That’s ridiculous. I feel it’s so old school. Women and men can share the responsibilities. I’m a working mum. I get home to the place looking like a tornado hit it. I hv to clean, bath, prepare supper. He works from home with an hour break and doesn’t help. Yesterday he called me at work to tell me the floor was dirty and it’s a woman’s job to clean. Wtf!!! So why am I working then🙄

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When I was a SAHM, I viewed it as those things WERE my job. And when I got stressed about things, I lowered my standards/expectations for myself. That did more for my mental health than anything else.

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I was a stay at home mom for 5 years I did everything for the kids,house,errands litteraly everything… now I’m a full time cna and my husband works over nights… I’m gone before he gets home and he comes home and goes to bed, sleeps all day, when I get off work I go get the kids and go home to clean the house, so I still have full responsibility of our 6 kids a full time job and keeping up with the house…

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I stay at home also but my husband is a HUGE help to me when he gets home after a 12 hour day. I couldn’t imagine it being any other way… it’s a partnership when you’re parents & homeowners if you ask me. He needs to help out as much as possible.

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There are any women that also work come home handle the kids the cleaning washing cooking and everything you don’t hear them complaining about depression his a lazy dude work is work responsibilities isn’t a job he should help you or get counseling

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I’m a stay at home mom…our job never ends. No breaks. We go 24/7. You need help, that’s a lot for 1 person…physically and mentally. Yes I do all the cleaning, laundry and house hold needs, but I cannot cook, so my husband does the cooking plus works a full time job, plus helps me with our daughter before work, when he comes home from work and on his days off. Asking for a little help from your husband shouldn’t be a burden on you nor him. If he really truly cared, loved and understood you and where your coming from then he’d step up and help you more! Voice your opinion, talk to him, not fight!..explain how you feel and how it wears you down physically and mentally. I wish you the best of luck!!

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I am a full-time stay at home mom as well as a full time college student. My husband and I have 4 children. He works 40+ hours a week, handles all finances. It is overwhelming at times to do so much but, not many women have the opportunity to be able to stay home with their kids. I made the choice to be a stay at home mom. I don’t ask my husband to do anything around the house except unload groceries when I bring them home and help with homework because with 4 kids, homework wouldn’t be done till ten o’clock, and I am more than happy to do what he asks. As stay at home moms, we can sit down for a second whenever we want, go to the bathroom when we need to, get something to eat when we need to. We don’t have a boss that tells us you can’t do that it’s not your break time. So in my opinion, your husband should get to come home from work and not have to do anything but eat the meal put in front of him. If my grandparents could live in a household where my grandmother never worked a day in her life, took care of babies, their house, baths, laundry etc, and my grandpa brought home all money, then so can I.

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