My husband leaves to hang with friends pretty regularly. I have no problem with this, but when I ask how long he’ll be gone, he always says, “a bit.” This either means two hours or has lasted as long as 9 hours and every variation in between. If I press a bit to see how long he actually means, he says he gets all upset and makes me out to be controlling. I find it disrespectful he won’t be even a bit more specific. Am I overreacting?
Nope. He should have respect for you and let you know. Communicate.
this is so my husband
You are not over reacting what 9 hours is this during the evening i would be concern on what he’s doing
He sounds like a crying toddler. Do the same to him and don’t tel him when you’ll be home. He’ll figure it out!
I guess it depends if it works both ways. If you can do the same and he doesn’t ask then I guess it’s fine. If it doesn’t work both ways then there is a problem
It’s a valid question!
Forbidding him would be a whole different thing. Asking is not a problem!
I would reciprocate. Arrange a night away with friends. Say you are going out for a bit. Return the next day. See how he likes it!!!
Hello it’s called marriage. Doesnt he want to know when you’ll be home?
Yes. I would take it as being disrespectful to me . if he is going out with his friends so regularily, why so secretive? I would find out what hes really doing. Doesnt sound right, but add that to making you feel like you’re in the wrong for asking him! Up to NO GOOD!!
Do the same thing, go out with your friends. If he asked you what time you will be back " a bit".
Stop asking. Don’t show that it bothers you. Then you shouldn’t have a problem. Only try to call him if it is an emergency.
What kind of grown man hangs out with his friends for 9 hours? Yikes. He sounds like a child.
I deal with the same thing!! Lol. It drives me insane…I don’t get out of the house much, so I’m always alone
Mine says he won’t be long, 4 hours later he returns from his mates. I just wish he would say, Il be away for a few hours, Il let you know what time I’m thinking of coming home, not that difficult!
This is my fiance exactly. We used to be good at communicating but over the years it’s been close to non existent. He will leave to hang with his dad n be gone all day. Or he will make up what’s he’s doing n be gone for days…come to find out he’s with his friends. No way to get ahold of him when he’s gone. Let’s just say when he gets back after days of being gone we have issues.
He’s cheating. I hate to say it, but if a man gets defensive when you ask, he’s hiding something. You are in a committed relationship, you should be able to ask without question.
Go out with your friends one night and “forget your phone” at home. If you text him while your out, does he answer you? Don’t give him a time when you’ll be back. Give him a taste of his own medicine. If he starts accusing you of cheating, it’s a subconscious admission from him that he is. Pls remember this
He is being really disrespectful and childish, why would he want to be out with his friends so much is beyond me, ask yourself if this is really what you want in a marriage.
Turn those tables. It’s disrespectful what he’s doing. Go out with your girls and give him a taste of his own medicine
Don’t ask him when he’ll be home. Tell him when to be home. For example if he leaves at 5pm, depending on how you feel you can tell him this… “Have fun with your friends. Be home by 7.15pm. If you’re running a little late, please give me the courtesy of a call or text me so I can expect you home no later than 7.45pm. Have a good time baby.”
I don’t think he understands the concept of being married. Communication is very important. What is the secret and harm in answering a simple questioning like that? If your husband’s hanging with friends happens “pretty regularly” and it’s upsetting to you, he needs to understand this. Once in a while is fine, but this seems excessive. Does he have AODA issues? Don’t let him use the “controlling” accusation against you because that is not the issue. He’s deflecting. It appears that your husband would rather be married to his friends.
NO!!! You are MARRIED, you have EVERY RIGHT to Demand to Know where he’s going and when you can expect him home! It’s called RESPECT! I would hire a Private investigator and have him followed! 9 Hours Oh HELL NO BUBBA!
He probably doesnt really even know exactly how long himself. Maybe se if hes willing to check in with you every few hours to keep you updated
Stop asking… He is a grown ass man and can hangout with his friends for however long he chooses lol
Edit
My husband and I go through this same issue when I go out to run errands or shop
He always wants to know exactly how long I’ll be and I hate it
I am not a child and will take as long as I want
My husband always informs me. If it’s later than intended, I get a call or text. It’s called common courtesy. For the same reason we told our parents or someone where we would be and with who etc when there was a possibility of an accident or something. I mean even an honest “I’m not sure” or “I’ll let you know if it’ll be longer than a couple hours” something. No you are not overreacting.
I mean… I have no idea how long I’ll be out. I went last weekend and literally just told my husband “i have no idea, hopefully its not like 3 am.” It wasn’t, I was gone until like midnight from 9 pm.
I don’t think you are overreacting… it is nice to know so you can plan dinner accordingly, etc. My SO will go hang out with his friends, usually just for fishing or hunting related, and won’t really give me a time much either. I don’t stress too much about it because I’ll just do my own thing + if I go hang out with a friend, I don’t really give him a time when I’ll be home either (other than something like “it’ll be a little late when I get home I’m going here with this person”, etc). I wouldn’t necessarily say or jump to he’s cheating on you, it sounds like he’s just being a guy with his friends. Maybe he might get upset because he doesn’t honestly know when he’ll be back/done hanging with his friends?
Ask if you can go with him.
Why does he spend so much time hanging with his friends? Do you have children? Does he ever take you? My ex did the same thing. He was cheating and that’s why he’y ex!
I would have to say quit asking him how long, you start going out to your friends and if he asks you then you say a bit, turn the tables on him, reverse the tables .
Is it just me or is their alot of marriage issues with this page?!? The past 2 days it’s all I seen. Very sad
Cheater behavior. Start going out for unlimited time yourself.
My husband would be looking for a new home if he pulled that shit
Rhmm it’s weird that he’s getting offended. It’s just the respectful thing to do, “ oh I’m not sure I’ll text or call you “ is not a difficult thing to say. We pretty much do what we want here but we’re respectful. Like oh I’ll be late or don’t wait up , I’ll call you, etc we never ask how long the other is going to be, just keep the other posted type thing. It’s an understanding between us
I used to ask how long mine would be gone for just off the cuff not really caring. But when he would say a certain time and he wasn’t home by then I would get worried and consequently get mad if he didn’t answer straight away because I thought something happened. Which would make him mad because I got mad. So we eventually got to a point if I asked and he said “a while” it was going to be 4+ hours and if he said “a little bit it would be 2-4 hours. And that is better for me than a specific amount of time because it doesn’t worry me as much.
Follow him after he leaves, get your answers of what he’s up to, that’s childish of him out like that to begin with.
I don’t think your overreacting at all. If my husband said he’d be back “in a bit” I’m thinking an hour, 2 tops.
9 hours??? Honey… you have every right to ask. Don’t let him make you feel crazy.
He’s cheating on you. Grow up and hire a PI and then a good lawyer .
So many of the posts on this page just really make me see how immature people are, and how they lack communication and just decent amount of respect for each other. It’s not necessarily the author of The Post a lot of times it’s the spouse.
It’s really a sad time we live in
Start doing the same thing and see how he feels.
Just ask him if he is going to be later than a couple hours to send you a text message so you know he is ok, or if it’s at night ask him if you should wait up for him. Less controlling, gives him the choice to answer in time frame
Nothing worse then going out to have a drink or catch up with friends and constantly clock watching like oh i only have 20 more minutes to enjoy myself and wrap up this conversation to be home on curfew
It has nothing to do with being controlling. It’s called respect. Next time he is gone for more than “a bit” (which is only a couple hours in my opinion) I’d change the locks and tell him to stay out!
I think the bigger problem is him hanging out with his friends all the time. And for long periods! Girl, you’re married, he’s not a teenager anymore. It’s not acceptable
I smell a cheater…
Go shopping. If he asks when you’ll be back…in a bit
I would say maybe ask how long he plans r if there is something going on that might make them lose track of time. When I do go to hang out with my friends I never really know how long we will be because we do honestly lose track of time but I can at least say how long i plan or at least think I will be gone. If he can’t do at least that then maybe it would be time to have a serious talk
Uh… I wouldn’t like that. Hubby and I tell eachother where the other is going if asked and estimated amounts of time to be gone are always given… he also knows im not of a fan of him being out past 12/1 and always tries to be home or communicate that he will be later…
Not overreacting at all. It’s a thing called RESPECT. He shouldn’t have a problem giving you an estimated timeline of when he will be home. And if it ends up being later it shouldn’t be a deal for him to pick up his phone and let you know. That’s not controlling, it’s just respectful. I know where my husband is at all times and him with me and when we will be home.
I think it’s strange he would even get mad when you ask him…He is your husband not just a boyfriend & I think that’s really just showing you he isn’t respecting you at all…calling you controlling because you would just like to know around which hour does he plan on strolling in after being with his friends…
If I were you,I would be wondering if he is having an affair.Nine hours?? Really and your gonna tell me he’ll leave at say 10 & come back at 7? You are in no way disrespectful,controlling…any of that. He is ignorant,childish & he is really shady. Hope for the best!
You need to do that to him
I would assume he is cheating
Maybe you should start doing the same
Guess you could go and stay 9 hrs without him knowing where your at
See how he fills
Not to have dinner,laundry,and his needs met
Don’t assume or presume your not in jail, if he is there to make you happy and he does not leave I know it sounds simple, but put yourself first love yourself enough to care, your strong be strong, he is after all just your husband if he can’t finish the book he should never have started it. Xx
Start doing it back, and go enjoy yourself. That’s my advice.
I would just ask him to call if hes going to be more than a couple hours sometimes when going out we may intend on coming home in a couple hours but get into having a good time and decide we want to stay out longer maybe he dont want to give you a time because if hes out longer he doesnt want to seem like hes lying to you
It’s disrespectful and controlling. I lived in that, and more, for 13 years. It only gets worse. Sorry hon, draw your line now and get out of you have to before it’s too late.
That’s very disrespectful. Hubby and I have been together 19yrs. We know that if either of us go out without our spouse, we give where, who, and how long. We agreed to that just as a courtesy to each other and if plans change or are extended, we call the other and let them know. We have an 11yr old son, trying to raise him to be a respectable man when he grows up. Now, in my opinion he’s definitely being grossly disrespectful to you and your marriage. Either he doesn’t care that this upsets you or he’s doing things or seeing people he shouldn’t be with. You deserve a RESPECTFUL HUSBAND&LIFE PARTNER not the adolescent boy you’ve described. Praying for you!!!
I use to have that same issue with my x. Seems you two need to sit down and talk not when he is trying to hang out with friends and discuss this. He should be able to say ehh 2-3 hours we are blah blah blahing or we are happing so n so build a deck it will be all day. I mean comunicate is the issue not the actions taking place imo. I will say tho you need to be able to go with your friends also
I was always glad to see the back of his head going out the door. Secondly, he’s not a kid and you’re not his mother. One thing I never did was “Where ya going, where ya been, who ya talking to…”
When he goes out why don’t you go out too instead of wondering where he is or what he’s doing? He’s a man. You know what they do when you’re not looking.
I laugh when hearing women say “Oh, no not my man. He ain’t going nowhere.” Honey child, you just ain’t caught him yet.
No you are not, he is not being respectful as to do his part in communicating with you on plans. He wouldn’t accept it if that’s how you responded. I’ve put up with the same shit for too long amongst other things
Make a.date out with your friends…he can stay home with the kids. A few ti.es of vague responses from you as to plans or when you’ll be back…payback works sometimes when they are on the other end. Only took 3 times for me…in 40 years he’s not done it again…
When he gets home from work… be ready to go out with your friends. turnabout’s fair play!
Its disrespectful…a simple question as a couple shouldnt be an issue
Nope id be following him only if u feel in ur gut somethings going on but honestly i wouldnt put up with that…maybe a sit down and a nice chat will help
How long have you been married? If he does this now, it could just get worse in the long run. How would he feel if you went out and didn’t communicate like he does?
Make plans with your friends one evening and be jump sharp when he gets home. Respectfully let him know that you’ll be hanging out with the girls. Go out have a good time and fuck a phone if he calls or texts
No, not at all. He’s being disrespectful by acting that way.
Not at all. He shouldn’t be staying gone that damn long anyways
Nope…he shouldn’t be out all night if he’s married…
Nope. That wouldn’t work with me.
Do the same to him maybe he will get the message
Sounds to me like you could do better.
Secretive men have secrets…
Nope… It’s not controling
Sweetie I went through something like this with mine. I would get dressed and ready to go myself told him I’m going out with my girls. He got upset telling me I need to stay my azz at home. So do you I would say it wasn’t long before we were going out together.
No you are not overreacting! It sounds like he doesn’t want to answer to anybody about how long he’s going to be gone and so uses that you are controlling as an excuse when you ask when he’ll be home.
My husband did that to me so one time I went out and didn’t come home til 3 a m. He had called the police and the hospital. Unfortunately it didn’t stop him. Only stopped me. When he accuses you of being controlling it’s called ‘gas lighting’. He is undermining you to get his way without having to answer to you. This is juvenile and irresponsible.
You have to appreciate that he’s at least letting you know he’s leaving and who he’s with. I had a boyfriend who would just disappear from the house often without a word. After being disrespected I did the same thing. When he asked why I did that I just said. Oh I thought we didn’t have to say where we’re going. He stopped.
Wow really if he doesn’t feel he has to let you know how long he be gone , careful thiers more that meets the eye no your not over reacting, if he wants to go and come when he pleases then he should have stayed single, ball is in your court it’s up to you to decide if his answer is good enough for you
If my husband went out with friends for 9 hours (unless it was a fishing trip) I would seriously be considering kicking his butt to the curve. A simple explanations like a few hours should suffice. I would be having doubts of his faithfulness at this point. Explain how it makes you feel. It’s not that you are limiting his time. And if he continues…Pehaps do the same to him and see if he likes the roles reversed?
I can give you a male perspective with the opposite issue: I don’t go hang out with my friends. My wife likes to do so. She asks me if I mind, and I pretty much always do not. We have an unspoken rule (so to speak) that if it gets late (after 11pm) I will lock the doors and go to bed. If I wake up in the morning and still haven’t heard from her, then I start calling, just to make sure she is okay. She is an adult, and I am not her parent. I don’t set a curfew for her because I don’t have the misfortune of getting jealous about anything. On the rare occasion that I might go out with friends, the same courtesy is afforded to me, however it is rather unlikely that I will stay out very late as I am not much of a socialite.
My grandparents were married for 65 years. When asked how they made it last they both said they trusted each other. If one said I’m going out shopping with the girls or the other said I’m going golfing with the boys, they just said okay. They figured they could trust each other and they did until she passed away. Of course in their time there were no cell phones and there really wasn’t a time frame when you hung out with the boys or the girls you just did and came home to each other later on that night.
My husband would often leave for the day or an hour or a few hours and I totally trusted him and never asked where he was going or when he would be back. That was how our relationship worked. He also never asked me where I was going. I always knew he would come home when he was done with whatever he was doing. I don’t know if you and your partner have that kind of relationship or not but I totally trusted my husband. He passed 4 years ago.
Early in my marriage my husband was taking classes in summer school. We were at a social gathering when a comment by a friend indicated he was not going to class but he was leaving the house to go to class. He did not want me to know that he was not in class. At home I asked if what I had surmised was true and why he would not tell me. It was our first big fight but what he kept saying was “You are not my mother, you are not my boss, you are not my mother …”. Over and over and over. This may be what is bothering him even if he himself does not realize it, he does not tell because you are not his mother. My response to him was to explain that as a married couple we were working together and were roommates, and as roommates it was polite and responsible to give an estimated time to return. He probably does not know himself how long he will be gone and rather than giving a wrong time just gives no answer. Communication can be complicated but it also takes work. Good luck communicating.
I agree with Darlene. And when he confronts you let him know that’s how you feel. Plus what if an emergency happened? Could he come if needed? Could you even get a hold of him? If an accident happened could you tell anyone where he was and how long he planned to be there? In today’s climate these are things that need to be considered. Your not being controlling. You are caring about his safety and welfare as well as your own.
My now Xhusband used to tell me he was going to his brothers house. Then he would be gone for hours and of course he would never answer his cell phone. I’ve heard all the excuses about that too… I later found out he and his brother were driving across the border into Nevada where they frequented prostitutes… I hope he is not cheating on you… Take care of you!
Could be various reasons but if him & his buddies have a day planned, giving a time line would cramp his man time. Now, if he comes home drunk, stinks of perfume then you’ve got a problem.
First, no you’re not overreacting. It is strange he won’t give a time frame, or at least say ‘I’m not really sure, I’ll text you if it gets to be more the a few hours’… that makes it seem questionable as to WHERE he is really going. He clearly doesn’t want you to know, so are you sure he’s going out with GUY friends? Or is he meeting another woman? Also the accusing yoi of being controling is deflecting his own behavior…he is the one being controling by not being honest with you and acting as if he can just go off and do whatever. He is MARRIED . Therefore he SHOULD tell you where he is going and for how long.
If he is getting upset about it then he is doing something he isn’t supposed to be doing. I would be checking up on where his sneaky ass be going but only if you truly want to know the truth and you can handle the truth. Be prepared for the worst but hope for the best
It sounds like you need to tell him your going out with friends. If he ask you how long tell him a bit. Then stay out if it means going sitting in your car playing games on your phone. Let him see how it feels if it really does bother you. Your his wife. He should want you to know
Had a similar situation years ago. We both worked at the same company. End of day I went home to pick up our daughter and make dinner and he went with our boss visiting customers, which was husband-speak for out drinking. I talked to him about it but he thought he couldn’t disappoint the boss, whose marriage was on the rocks for the same thing. One night I got the teen across the street to babysit and I went to a movie alone. I just told her I was out not where. I wanted him to come home and see how it felt to not know where I was or when I would be back. He got the point!
No. You’re not being controlling, he is!!! He’s disrespecting you and I myself wouldn’t put up with it. Tell me what time your going to be home, be home at that time, or don’t come home at all! See ya!!
I have a married friend, great guy but he gets upset if he is asked about details ,where you going ??? When you coming home, etc,etc , he feels like he is seeking permission,that is no one’s business.
So I don’t think men are capable of keeping track of time they say an hour it means 3. It’s annoying but they should respect you enough to at least call and say they’ll be late
First of all my husband would NEVER leave me often to hang out with his friends! Its called respect. Track his ass! Hes up to no good! Sorry not sorry . .
My first husband acted much like you are describing. He got angry and defensive if I inquired as to what he was doing, and accused me of mistrusting him. I eventually learned he was doing things that ended our marriage. I am not going to say he is necessarily doing things you wouldn’t like, but you are certainly not over reacting. A respectful spouse with nothing to hide would not behave in such a manner, leaving you to feel guilty while sitting home alone. If he isn’t willing to be considerate of your feelings when you are willing for him to be out with his friends, you have a problem that must be addressed or it will eventually tear you apart. Trust your instincts.
My husband never needed to ask my permission or tell me how late he would be, I trusted him & we all need our space. However, he never stayed out too late & he respected me and always told me where he’d be if I needed him for anything.
You should follow suit and when he asks you say a bit …lol. Also tell him he’s the man of the home and makes the rules…so when decided to hangout too long, he set the house rules for you:rofl: So he can’t get made for you following them… lol