I am looking for advice on a family issue. Background, I have an 11-year-old daughter from my first marriage, and my husband has an eight-year-old daughter from his. Together we have a four-year-old daughter. My husband drives me crazy because my 11 years old can’t do anything without either the eight-year-old doing it as well or my husband getting super pissed off. My 11-year-old has a sleepover with a friend on the weekend— my husband will flip out if the 8-year-old can’t do the same. My 11 year old finally matured to the point where we gave her a phone (very, very monitored and limited use), and now my husband won’t stop talking about how the 8-year-old needs a phone. I told him that she’s not ready for one yet, just like the oldest wasn’t at eight, and every single time, he snaps back with, “well, if her sister has one, then it’s only fair if she gets one”— y’all it’s exhausting. It is with everything. My 11-year-old can’t ever have anything special or to herself. It makes her mad, and I can’t say I blame her. Is there any way to make him see that he’s being a little ridiculous, or is it just a lost cause?
I side with him, sorry.
When the 8 year old turns 11 like her sister, she can get a phone. I think that’s pretty fair.
Stand your ground. Younger siblings don’t need something simply because big sis has it. You two might need counseling to get on the same page.
Wouldn’t you want your child from your first marriage to be treated just as fair as his child from a previous relationship? Favouritism isn’t cool, man!!
To an extent, I side with him. The phone issue, the 8 year old should wait until she is older just like your child had to. So when your kid gets a car, the younger siblings should as well. Stand your ground on this and don’t give in.
Just the way you worded your post, makes me feel like you feel some type of way towards the 8 yr old. I could be totally wrong, just the vibe I’m getting. Why can’t she have a sleepover if the 11 yr old can?
Does he have older siblings he is/was jealous of? Sounds like he’s projecting his own feelings onto his daughter rather than trying to think about it logically.
You treat them EQUALLY. Honestly you sound like the horrible step mother and she will see how you are treating her differently. You’re being the ridiculous one. If one gets new shoes so does the other. If one has a sleepover so does the other
I feel for this other child and hope the dad leaves you the way you are treating her different .
An 8 yr old doesn’t need a phone and shouldn’t have a phone. Including her it activities and all sure but dude needs to chill. He needs to communicate with you about why how and when and you both need to collaborate and set boundaries or this is just going to escalate and y’all all are going to be mad at each out.
I would explain to him, the 8 year old can wait until she’s the same age as the 11 year old to get the same things. With the sleepovers, maybe tell them one week one can and the next the other. Stand you ground, because it’s not fair to the 11 year old to just now be getting things and the 8 year old gets it at 8.
With different ages come different privileges.
When ur oldest has a sleepover have ur youngest have a friend over as well. Just so she doesn’t feel left out. And the whole phone thing I don’t think an 8 year old is ready for a phone then again I’ve seen so many young kids with phones 
If your eldest had to wait until a certain age to be able to do or have any of these things then the 8 year old needs to wait as well. If hes talking whats fair and not it would be completely unfair to your eldest if the 8 year old doesn’t have to wait. As someone who dealt with such growing up, it will only make your eldest resent you both being as not making the other child wait like she had to shows favoritism. Whether you or dad see it as that or not
Honestly u should maybe talk to him about uts an age thing instead of its ur daughter he might feel like his daughter being left out because she isnt bio urs not saying that’s the situation but he might be taking it that way I do agree that something you need to be more mature to have and maybe plan for her to have some special things to balance the difference like her having a sleeping over party she host but on difference nights
He is going to turn the 8 year old into a brat and have a hell of a time with her as a teenager if he keeps this crap up. I thoroughly agree with the above. She can have the same things as the older child when she reaches that age. Period. Flip out on him and if he doesn’t like a dose of his own medicine, then you both need to sit down (maybe with a counselor even) and have a long discussion about this.
Don’t treat kids differently. 8 to 11 is not that much difference in age.
He needs to get with the program.
Big sis starts dating at 16, and does that mean lil sis gets to start dating at 13?
Kids mature differently. He needs to realize that
I was not allowed to wear makeup until I was 13 (very limited) that was the age my older sisters were allowed to start wearing makeup. You are right he is wrong !!!
Kids need to understand that life isn’t fair and just because one child has something that doesn’t mean they need one too. Your husband is being a little ridiculous and should understand that, his daughter is going to grow up entitled as hell with his logic.
Honestly it may stem from him thinking they might not get treated “equally”. You may want to talk to him about it and see if he feels you might let your daughter have something but won’t do the same for his. Not saying that you are, but that might be what it’s about? I do agree 8 is too young for a cell phone.
Your first issue is the fact that you keep referring to them as “my/mine” and “his.” Ya’ll can’t even sort out whose kids they are. You’re calling him your husband which means you both took on the responsibility of these kids as one. There is no more his and mine! I would start there, because these are now both your kids, not his and mine. Until that issue is sorted out, there really is no fixing the rest. It appears to me that you both favor your own and you can’t find any middle ground because you’re just not making it a family unit.
My husband has 2 girls and I have 3. All 3 of mine are older. We agreed things like a phone is something that comes with age and maturity. As far as sleepovers, in our house, regardless of age, as long as they have done what they needed that week (school, chores, etc) then a sleepover it is. Alternate days for sleepovers or have a house full of kids.
Hahaha my husband is like this sometimes with our boys whom are only 10 months apart. I literally ignore him. Theirs things our 9 year old do that our 10 year old doesn’t and vice versa their different people and do different things. Just literally ignore it
Always try to be equal but to an extent (i.e a phone) there has to be a line drew somewhere with the age difference and I think that is ok it’s not considered being unfair its being realistic.
An 8 yr old doesn’t need a phone, if the 11 year old is going in to high school then yeah they can have a phone. But until the 8 yr old hits 11 or high school then she doesn’t need one.
If she wants to sleep over at someones house, tell him to go sort it out with her friends parents… He sounds immature
He sounds like a child
From experience, it will eventually divide your 11 year and your husband. She will grow resentful towards him and their relationship will suffer.
say well guess the 4 yr old should have one too, 
.
really tho, I would state no she didt have a phone at 8, dont push ur child to be more mature than she should be at 8, 8 yr olds and 11 yr olds should not being doing the same things… all the time.
If your daughter starts dating at 16, does that mean his daughter should at 13 ?? Ask him about that !!
You already know the issue. Your daughter is not his daughter. His daughter will always rate higher. Kick him to the curb, he will never change. And unless you want your 13 year old step daughter to drive a car because her 16 year old older sister can, let him go now. He will never change.
I would get my girls phone, at the age of when I can afford it. Just get the other girl a regular phone, not a fancy online one. Can’t hurt I think.
With age comes privilege.
Our kids are 20, 14, 14, 12, 9 and 8.
The older ones get and do things the younger don’t.
The younger get frustrated, but we tell them that their time will come.
But, when it comes to necessary things, shoes, clothes, etc. we buy on an as needed basis. Not every kid will need new shoes at the same time( except at the start of school).
He’s being ridiculous, and y’all need to have a talk.
My daughter and step daughter are only 11 months apart but my step daughter didn’t get to do half the shit my daughter did bc she was not mature enough and proved daily that she couldn’t handle having the same responsibility. You can not teach your kids that everything in life is fair and that if one gets to do something the other gets to. Our kids need to learn how to deal with situations in life and not being able to do something everyone is doing is a major lesson they need to learn.
Sounds like jealous competition to me
My kids are 11, 10, 8, and 3. They all have different privileges, chores, expectations, etc. It’s not only age, but maturity level and behavior, that makes the difference. He sounds very immature himself…
The 11 yr old is yours while the 8yr old is his. So why is it up to you is my question. Although I don’t agree either one of the children needs a phone. The 8 yr old is obviously smaller so yeah what does she need it for. But I do see where he’s coming from. He doesn’t want his child to feel left out or make her feel the other one is favored or has more so that is why he’s acting that way. He should do whatever he thinks is best for his child to not feel left out and it shouldn’t be up to you to make that choice given your child is the one getting everything I think If it was the opposite you’d be like dad. 
It’s treating all children the same. No child feeling or being left out… especially siblings. It’s not the the youngest child’s fault - but they see and know if someone is being partial. When you marry… ‘his’ children are equal to your first child as well. Regarding the cell phone issue… that’s to young. If anything kids watches that have a call option for emergencies or balancing out for the youngest to have a kids watch that calls and a basic flip phone for the 11 year old.
I say if the older one gets something to younger one should to find something age appropriate for the 8 year old as well
Lost cause sorry. If you’ve explained it like it’s explained here, what more can you say to make him change his mind.
Different ages different privileges
From some of these comments I’m glad I’m the only one that came into my marriage with a child. The 8-year old doesn’t need her own phone & she can get one when she’s 11 (get her an iPad or tablet to compromise maybe?) as far as the sleep over’s & whatnot I get what you’re saying. It’s sort of like the people who get their other child(ren) presents when it’s their siblings* birthday “so they don’t feel left out” even though it has absolutely nothing to do with them. Or how some parents make one child include the other in everything they do (going to the mall with friends or the movies with friends as an example). Just because one is doing something doesn’t mean the other must be included or doing the same thing as the other.
Mom of 5 here- Y’all should seek therapy. He has some unresolved issues clearly. This isn’t favoritism. Every time my 11 yr old has a sleepover, doesn’t mean my 7 yr old gets to have one too… That’s life. Each kiddo will have so many opportunities individually in life. Not everything is fair and equal at all times. He’s setting the 8 yr old up for complete failure if that’s what he’s teaching her … That’s not how life works …Plus- certain things in life come with age/maturity.
Can his 8 year old get a tablet!? Like just for games??
He’s being ridiculous. There a a lot of things in life that are age appropriate. And I would allow each to have sleepovers
Omg! Sounds like you have 4 children, not 3!
Does the 8yo get things the 11yo doesn’t get? My daughters are 10 and 5 years old. There are certain things the 5 year old doesn’t get that the 10 year old does. 
my 10 year old just started staying the night at someone’s house that isn’t a grandparent. when she is gone we try and do something fun with the 5 year old since she isn’t able to have a sleepover. As for the phone, do you have an old phone that can still connect to wifi or at least still download some games?
Maybe does it have to do with it being so he doesn’t have to entertain her or her whining she doesn’t get the same treatment or issues with his daughters mom?
You are correct. We have the same situation but we agreed that privileges are based on age, grades, and what they have earned. My kids don’t all get the same privilege because the other one did. Maturity plays a big part in life. My 8 year old had a phone but that was our decision and we had our reasons. I didn’t care if all of my kids had sleepovers in the same night, but one didn’t do something just because the other did. If one kid wanted to have a sleepover separate, the next one can have one the next weekend.
Hes not teaching his daughter any life roles at all. That’s not how the world works
If you are married and refer the children as “my oldest” and “his 8 year old” then I’d start looking at the real problem, which is not whether or not someone got something from the store.
Well my husband’s children were already teenagers when we got together (13&15) and mine were 3&8. He made his kids wait til they were teenagers for phones but we’ve been more lenient with my kids. My daughter has had a phone for about a year or so now but we just opened up an actual line for her. She’s however pretty mature and well behaved for her age. I’d say it honestly depends on the child but seems like more of a jealousy factor for your husband than it does for the kids.
He thinks your favouring which you aren’t. You should be able to do something and get something for your daughter without any issues and vice versa. I think its not cool letting his daughter get everything your daughter gets everytime because that also doesn’t teach them anything It will just spoil her because all she will just get everything her OLDER sister gets.
Thats down to her MOTHER & him not you & him.
I can understand about the 8 year old not having a phone … But why can’t the 8 year old have sleep overs too ?
Y’all should just divorce.
I agree that the eight year old may not need a phone. But something equivalent to the phone. Like say a new tablet or something. Kids should feel equal amounts of love and even giving the younger an older phone with no plan. That’s what we do with our six year old and she just uses the wifi for videos
I agree with you. My ex did the same thing to the point it made everyone miserable. My 14 yr old wasn’t allowed to have a phone (just a basic flip phone that he had before we ever got married) because his 8 yr old son couldn’t have one too. If one of the 4 kids needed shoes I had to buy them all shoes whether they needed them or not. He did this with EVERYTHING. I completely understand how you feel.
He needs to understand that hes teaching her that shes entitled when he needs to teach her that in the real world you arent entitled to a damn thing. Tell him it isnt a competition
Some of y’all sound straight ridiculous. I have 3 bio kids. At no point do we do tit for tat in this home. You do not get a privilege simply because someone else did. You get it when it is age appropriate or when you deserve it. No one is left out or discriminated against simply because they don’t get whatever it is exactly like their sibling exactly when their sibling gets it. I’m not instilling entitlement in my kids. You don’t deserve something just because someone else has or had it. Your time and turn will come and when it does your sibling will be without. I’m not about to have 6 kids running rampant in my house simply because one child wanted a sleepover. The next child can wait until the next weekend and vice versa.
Maturity hits different with different kids. There’s an age difference and where one might be ready another might need to learn responsibility before they get something. Things should be earned, not handed out. His 8 year old needs to have her own friends, her own hobbies and not expect something because another kid has it.
Having a blended family of my own, he’s out of line and so are most of these comments… Hopefully he’s willing to seek therapy.
My family is blended. 5 kids total. 2 from my previous marriage,2 from his and we have one together. I think that the 11 yo and 8 yo should be allowed the same opportunity to do things (like sleep overs) as long as their behavior and attitudes allow that privilege. That being said it doesn’t necessarily have to be at the same time just because one of them gets to do something. As for the phone, if the only reason she “needs” one is bc her older sister has one that would be something I’d be against too. Getting older allows more privileges…that’s just how it works. What will your husband do when your 11yo is old enough to drive and gets a car? Go out and buy the younger daughter one too just because??
He’s never going to get it, you explained it good enough. He thinks his kid is “better” or whatever you wanna call it. I get he wants things to be fair but but with age comes more privileges. The older they get the worse it’s gonna get. There’s things he can do so his kid doesn’t feel left out, like having some of her 8yr old friends over for sleepovers, etc.
Seems like the only child he cares about out of all of the kids is his 8 year old. Husband acts like a child himself. He’s going to turn her into a spoiled brat and won’t be able to handle it eventually because she won’t understand the word “NO” with his logic.
The mines/yours need to stop. It’s not about who’s who but about age. The younger sibling always want what the older sibling have. That’s life.
Maybe you could try getting then something but that is age appropriate so one doesn’t feel left out the 8 year old may just feel left out my daughter are 14 8 and 2 and I have a bonus daughter that is 6 and when one get something they all do but each one gets something appropriate for their age.
Sorry but that’s a toxic environment. I think you’re husband needs therapy
He’s absolutely ridiculous! You should seek couples therapy.
You should tell him then ofc you should also let the 4 year old have one…because it’s only fair right?
He needs to get over the what’s fair is fair mentality. Nothing will ever be fair and that’s just life. I doubt he would like the 4 year old to have a phone.
Tell him to his face “they’re all my kids including your daughter, I don’t mind giving her special things that are only hers and for her age range, but don’t you dare force your belief that I’m playing favorites with them upon us. It is my duty as a mother to protect them from the outside world for as long as I can, I don’t believe OUR 8 year-old is ready for a phone BUT if there is some special activity or gaming device she would like to EARN I see no problem making that happen.”
Take control and tell him to shut the fuck up and listen.
I raised 4 girls the oldest got to do things that the younger ones didn’t until they got older. That’s just life. Just because the older ones get to do stuff or get different things doesn’t mean the youngest are even ready for them and it isn’t showing favorites. I’m sure when your oldest is ready to date the other one won’t be old enough. lol he needs to get over it!!!
Oh, perfect example of the horrible “everybody wins” mentality of today’s parenting, it seems.
Is he getting the 4 yr old a phone too? No…bc shes to young? Then he should understand the 8 yr old isnt old enough either.
Childish mentality 
Teach him equity by giving the example of a fence and 3 different people of 3 different heights need to see over the fence. Each one gets what they need to see over the fence. It’s not fair or equal but it’s equitable. Maybe get the 8byear old a more age appropriate electronic device to use while the older one is on her device? Meet in the middle
Does he think the 4 year old should get everything the 2 older girls do?
She can have a phone, when she is 11.
He sounds toxic to me too. Like he doesn’t like the older child.
Sounds like he needs to grow up.
Ugh!! Such a struggle. I have a blended family. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. However there is no mine or yours… they are OURS. Things need to be agreed on mutually. I don’t allow my kids to have sleep overs at the same time. So if I say my 14 year old gets to have a friend over this weekend then next weekend my 9yr old can have a friend over. My now 14 year old had a phone at 9… my 9 year old still doesn’t because they aren’t responsible enough. We talk about every choice/privilege/chore/behavior together. We come up with a plan together.
I’d tell him fine and go get her the kid watch phone fight fire with fire
An 8 year old absolutely doesn’t need a phone. I understand being raised the same (as in cared for, supported, loved, etc.) but they don’t need all the same privileges with such an age gap
sounds like HES jealous tell him to grow up n be a dad
I feel like I wrote this!!!
If one gets something on a non-birthday day, then why can’t the others get something too? Not a phone per se, but perhaps a tablet, or mom or dad’s old phone without getting her a phone number.
Sleepovers…? If they have friends that want to come over, let them both have friends over? I don’t get that one.
Birthdays are for special gifts for an individual child, but I think every other day needs to be fair. Not everything has to be equal, mind you, but just like it’s not cool to let 1 kid get a treat at the store but not the other, it’s not cool to pick a random day to get Sally a phone but not get Jane or Susie anything at Best Buy. Doesn’t have to be of equal value, just… something. Maybe that will be enough to appease dad and still let the 11 year old feel special. 
Had similar situation. If eldest got then the younger HAD to have also. Was blended family. Follow-up on story? Younger one spent 2 terms in prison. Felt he was entitled and eventually started stealing from family and friends. Everyone turned back on him.
Go to counseling, also, don’t ever feel obligated to explain why your 11yr old has a phone. Your child, your choice. 
Age is a factor. This if 1 gets something so does the other is bs. If 1 gets grounded for something does the other get grounded to so its fair. So when the oldest gets a car the youngest gets a car 2 cause its fair. Does your daughter get something Every time his does? This is crazy. You both need to get on same page. Sit down and talk. Figure out what age for cell phones. What age for dating. Age for sleep overs. Anything else you can think of. So I guess on his daughters birthday your daughter gets gifts to? Life isn’t fair he should know that and kids these days need to know that. Just because someone else gets or has something does not mean you can also.
sounds like my life growing up with my dads evil ex wife he didnt care to be a dad too busy partying etc so he left me all the time with his wife she resented me had two kids with him and if i got anything they had to too even if it was given by my other family and then to add she only really cared about her first child so me being alot older shed buy us all the same let my youngest sister play with my other sisters stuff shed ruin it of course as she was little take mine which was well taken care of and put initials so i couldnt switch mine back . id say he resents your daughter and he should be a almost like a dad to her as your husband. To me it sounds like he doesnt like shes in the picture and if that was me i would gave been gone noone should treat your child that way.
Ask him to think carefully about setting that precedent . There is a 3 year age gap. So his tween will be allowed to have a boyfriend/girlfriend because her older sister is allowed to date?
What about going out with friends independently? That’ll be ok she his daughter is 10/11? And parties? 
Your right on the phone but your definitely not right when it comes to sleepovers etc that’s just being a little shity towards the other child
Sounds like he never accepted the blending of the families
On this he is definitely showing his ridiculousness, an 8 year old with a phone is ridiculous.
Just always have your daughters back things might get worse.
Well i can see his point and your point… But if your child no matter the age can have a sleep over then his should beable to as well… To me neither one should have a phone at that age.
The 4 year old should get a phone too. Only fair. 
Tell him to get the stick out of his arse and stop being an idiot. He needs to stop trying to play favorites and think you’re not ‘including’ the kiddo all because you don’t like her. He has to open his eyes and realize, you’re raising kids. Not making it a competition.
Tell him if he’s so freaking worried about it, then he parent his own kid and you’re done.
Suggest to him that your only 4yr. old then deserves a sleepover, and a phone as well bc there is almost the same amount years between them and his 8yr.old as there is between his 8yr. old and your 11yr. old and see if he comes to the agreement that that totally sounds a little over board bc of her age. Your 11yr. old is a few years older and as you stated more mature - when the 8yr. old turns 11 is he going to do the same to her as he’s doing now with the child you have together - I think once he sits down and hears you out you will both be laughing over the matter - let them do different things that are age appropriate for each of them and not squabble over petty issues as he is…good luck mom from a mom who had boys 2yrs. apart and now raising two that are 6yrs. apart - different ages different things always has been always will be or should be - they are individual children. Good luck.
My 11 year old got a phone but I would never give it to her before. She uses it for games and she has strick rules. Age appropriate things, go to a website for age appropriate articles and such. Then give her something like a track phone or one that is very, very limited. I don’t know its hard my oldest are older then my youngest by years my youngest doesn’t watch what they can.