I found out last March my husband of 17 years had been having a three-month affair with his work colleague, the next day, we went into lockdown; he got a new job (sept) and wanted to work it out with me. I knew a lot about the affair, he told me things I probably shouldn’t have asked, but now they’re stuck in my head, and one year later, everything has gone back to normal. For him, he’s happy, different headspace, etc. For me, it’s the same as it was. We’ve tried counseling, but he doesn’t want to keep bringing up the affair. I can’t go one day without thinking about his affair. It’s constantly on my mind. I sometimes look at him and love him, then the next second, I want him gone. I can’t keep living like this. He knows I feel like this but says all he can do is reassure me it won’t happen again .how do you get over an affair?
If it was me I would just leave him
You either fully forgive him and work it out or you move on.
It’s ptsd based on infidelity.
You need to go to counseling on your own and do cognitive therapy.
It sounds like maybe counseling for just you would be helpful.
I’ve had this happen and It doesn’t get better for the non cheater… you will always think about it and until you leave you will never live a normal life. You will live in hell… get out!
Please listen to “not the worst mom”/ “not the worst marriage” podcast. My husband and I dealt with past infidelity when we were just dating and I had something similar to PTSD symptoms about it when we finally got our act together. My actions made it VERY difficult for us to move forward if I insisted on taking steps back. This woman/ couple is actually hilarious, but they’re also REAL and RAW. It’s a light hearted take on counseling and therapy, and I really hope it helps.
you dont usually once a cheater always one so you will always wonder if he is no point in living like that
Sounds like you probably need couples therapy. Just because he is over his cheating on you does not mean you need to be.
I don’t think you will ever get over it. Even with all the reassurance in the world it’s always going to be in your mind. Someone that you trusted destroys your heart. You should forgive him if he is truly remorseful though. But as far as fully trusting him ever again…you wont. But I am a firm believer that we are human and sometimes we make horrible mistakes. So if he loves you he won’t have any problem reassuring you everyday if that’s what you need 
and maybe with counseling, overtime you can work on these issues together. But honesty and communication is #1
It is honestly so hard and all depends on your mindset. I found out my ex husband did and it messed me up mentally and the trust was gone, we did counseling individual and together and he did everything I asked him to (change number, email, he and her got fired from the job) I had access to his phone but I still couldn’t get over it. I stayed 3 years and the anger and resentment towards him just got worse.
You need counseling. It probably also makes you mad that he can get over it when he was the one who messed up and you didn’t do anything wrong and you’re stuck. Go. To. Counseling.
Forgive but not forget. It will take some time. But if you can’t forgive him than a tomorrow will never bring a brighter day. To not forget is the lesson if it does happen again than u know there’s no more respect.
U will never be at peace staying in that relationship. U will always question urself, ur worth. Trust me. Been there… U need out.
Some never due not easy too get over most times once cheater will so again
The relationship CAN be rebuilt, but it takes a lot of time and effort. It’s easy to forgive, but you can never forget. I forgave, but I still can’t forget 8 years on
Unfortunately it’s something that’s always gonna be there, It’ll be 11 years ago for me now and its something that hurt me more than i’ve ever been hurt in my life before and it still haunts me, I don’t dwell on it but every now and then something will be said that reminds me, I love my husband more than life itself but I do struggle in silence now and again, I generally don’t bring it up or talk about it but it’s always gonna be there for me, hope you can work it out xx
I never understand how anyone can stay with a cheater. Once the trust is gone the relationship is over.
You need counseling that’s what this is for to see if you can move past this. Some people can’t deep down you’re having a hard time forgiving the affair even though your trying to move on. You need to have someone to talk to about it in a constructive and healing way. Don’t feel bad for how you’re feeling it’s normal your trust was broken it’s the hardest thing to repair in a relationship. If you want to fix your marriage counseling is the best course of action, and he needs to go as well to see why he became unfaithful he has his own issues to work on as well. It would benefit you both.
If you are willing to keep him in your life, then you need to try to learn to let it go. That’s the choice you have made. If you cant it will never woke out. This happened to me and I chose not to be paranoid for the rest of my life so I didn’t take him back.
Iam the same i think its been ayr now for me when i found my husband cheated he still wont admit how long the affair was n its in my head daily on the outside i look fine but on the inside i hurt ik now theres no second chance i think iam done crying n all but i think and ik theres no future and iam going to leave he had change n all but iam not convince now i told my self theres no use of a relationship that allways be in my mind thatbhe had cheated so i left n feel better
I know that feeling not after that long of a relationship. But it is heart breaking and why I’ve been single for 6 years. I am sorry and I hope you both get through it.
Leave!! Once a cheater always a cheater
You need your own therapy. You may never get over it. I never did.
Your relationship is probably over. It will never go away… unless he goes away.
Once the trust is broken I feel like the relationship is over. I’m sorry. But living in misery will not help the situation. It’s better to face the truth and move on with your life. It’s not over yet. So live it to be happy.
A three month affair isn’t a mistake it’s a decision. He may have made major improvements but I wouldn’t stay if I were you. I personally wouldn’t be able to be fully secure. If you think it’s worth saving, that’s your choice. If you decide to leave, you’re within your rights. He chose to make his choice, you’re free to make yours.
I am struggling with this also. 2.5 years later and I have days where I feel like I’m back 2.5 years ago. I pray that I can get past this but I just don’t know. I met my husband when I was 14, we had our first child when I was 16. I’m 37 years old now and can’t get over the one person I trusted with my life did this to me… I will pray for you and hope your able to move past it. Lord knows I am trying to move past this for my kids but damn… it is hard!!!
Leave! They usually do it again & you won’t ever be able to trust him!
Some people can overcome these circumstances. I personally am not one of those. I can not forgive & forget. Once the trust is broken there is no gaining it back. I knew I would drive myself insane if I stayed so I filed for divorce within the same week I found out my ex was cheating. Best decision I ever made. Absolutely have 0 regrets.
May be better for you to just move on. You can at least say that you tried.
Some people aren’t wired to forgive this. Ever 
Maybe talk to him one. On one bed hind close door just u and him
You will never look at him the same. He betrayed you. I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship if my man cheated. A 3 month affair was a choice he made… it wasn’t a one time thing.
it will never be the same been through that before
Sometimes you need to take a break and heal on your own. And then try to work it out again if you still feel like you want to and he has remained faithful during that time.
Trust is hard to regain and honestly the thoughts you’re having probally want ever go away fro what he did and you’re just going to live unhappy and eventually have pure hatred for him and it be toxic for y’all to be together . Some people can get over it with therapy but if that’s not helping it may be the end of things
I think you’re trying to figure out how to forgive him since you’re staying with him.
You need your own therapist and work on trusting him again. If he says it won’t happen again, try to believe him-some ppl do change.
He will cheat again,
I’ve been there to, much promising of it meant nothing, your my world, I love you ect ect.
We tried to make it work, but he did it again twice!!!
Once they cheat and you let it go, they will do it again and again.
I threw him out, he went to the girl he’d been seeing, he’s cheated on her several times now and she’s just thrown him out too!!!
Walk away x
you never get over it
I’d be with the others and say that the trust is broken and it’s time to move on. Maybe not seeing him daily would help you to not think about the affair. Best wishes to you!!
Maybe you need to go to counseling by yourself so that you can express yourself in a safe space. Then you can decide whether to stay or go.
That’s really tough. I’m so sorry for what that man has put you through. You deserve to be honored. It’s entirely your call to make, if you feel that this can possibly be moved past somehow. My only advice is this - don’t push counseling and therapy and whatnot, because in my personal experience that only helps so much when it comes to relationships. If you really want true healing and connection then you two MUST focus on furthering your connection and building up your love again. And he needs to accept that he made a huge mistake and he needs to agree to work with you however you ask him to, in order to gain your trust back. It’s all about the level of connection you can regain and build from.
Time, rebuilding of trust.
You’ll never get over it. Been there done that! Trust me. You’ll never get over it
Leave. End of story. It will always be in the back of your mind
You don’t, you’re done with that cheating guy
Go have an affair too. Show him how you felt when he had one.
You need therapy very much. You will never forget it entirely. I do think a Therapist can help, to save your marriage it would be worth it. You would always regret not giving it a chance. Good luck and God Bless!
This is really hard, I havent experience what you are going through but if it was me I would leave him. I know it sound hurt but if it stucjs in your head everyday it is not healthy at all. It best to leave and move on. if you really love him and if he does love you then counselling would do. it sound like he doesn’t want counseling so what the point.
Personal counseling and self love helped me.
It’s time to leave him.
You either forgive him or you don’t. You have to quit punishing him for something that you forgive him for if that’s what you decide to do. However it will take time to trust again
Similar experience and after trying to work it out I realized I wasn’t strong enough to carry the weight of his sins. It was eating me alive.
I been through this myself and honestly if you constantly keep thinking about it then it will drive you mad in the end, you need to decide whether you are willing to move on from it permanently to make the marriage work or if not then its time to leave to begin a new life
There is more the story. Who ended the affair? Did he admit the affair or was he caught? Does he try to excuse the behavior or own up to it?
These answers would play a part. Personally, even with children, if I was cheated on, I’d leave. You don’t trip and fall into a woman’s pants.
Often times an affair has little to do with the partner. You’ve been with your husband for 17 years. People become complacent and another person reaffirming your attractiveness or worth is often too much of a draw to pass up. I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal for you. He obviously values you and loves you. He’s willing to work things out and do what is necessary for you to move on. Why does it matter? He’s still the person you loved. He’s still your friend. He still cares about you. I disagree with everyone here who says “3 months isn’t a mistake/it’s a decision”. Yea, it was a decision. And sometimes the decisions we make are wrong. And sometimes we need to be shown that we’re hurting the people we love before we understand the need for a change. Human relationships are fluid. So is your relationship to your husband. Carrying his past actions against him will eventually sabotage your relationship in the same way the affair sabotaged it. I think you need to make a commitment to either work through this and stay with him, or leave. It’s up to you to know if he’s worth it.
Do you think he would have stayed if it was you who cheated? I don’t think you will get over it I couldn’t. The sexiest thing is trust and once it’s gone it’s gone
Sometimes you don’t and that’s ok too. If you can’t move past it and are unhappy, you need to think about what kind of future you want.
Move on. Things for you will never be repaired in your mind
I have been in the same similar situation. I wasted 10 years of my life trying to forgive and not think about it, even with counseling and the feeling never went away. It wasn’t until we divorced that I finally felt free and could actually move on. But you must do what feels best for you!
Convert him i to a cuck. Problem solved.
You don’t get over it. It will always be on your mind somehow. You should definitely think about how you would feel if you would leave. Maybe you’ll be happier and finally clear your head.
One… the way you’re feeling is NOT YOUR FAULT!! It is his! Of course it’s still in your head. A man you vowed to love forever betrayed your trust! And broke your heart!
My ex didn’t want to talk about the past either but guess what? That’s what I needed to start to heal and move forward.
He couldn’t do it.
We’re no longer together.
You’re not wrong for how you feel at all.
You grieve and heal on your time line with it without him. Period.
You owe no explanations.
If you cannot move past this and it hurts too bad, leave.
It is the hardest thing you will go through, trust is the hardest thing to get back, you can forgive all you want but you will never forget!
He has to prove hisself by letting you do or speak what you need to to get past it.for as long as you need to. He made the mistake.he needs to do whatever it takes for you to be able to get through it. If hes not willing to id let him go.hes did it to you he needs to fix it.
You have to accept it and forgive. If you forgive you have to let it go and move in together and be happy. If you can’t let it go and be happy then you gotta let him go and move on.
I would honestly just end it bc for me it would eat me alive and the trust is gone and you deserve to be happy so go be happy he needs to live with the damage he done it was his fault in the first place so. Know your worth and time for self love .
First off, the person having the affairs doesn’t get to dictate when you stop talking about it in couples therapy. I do suggest personal therapy for your sanity, but sometimes things are just unforgivable, especially when the other person isn’t actually trying. Is he going to personal therapy? What is he doing to assure you that this never happens again? How is he winning back your trust?
TIME!! BUT he has to be willing to talk about the affair of you need to talk abt. It. He was the one that did something wrong. So he needs to do what you want him to do so YOU will feel better. It’s never EASY!!! GOOD LUCK!!
I’m sorry but once a cheater always a cheater 
I learned the hard way!
In my heart cheating is the last straw. That’s it. You didn’t think of what it’s do to me, when you were in the act, you don’t deserve me.
People go through different ways of healing and getting over. You have not started your journey. If all you can think of is his unfaithfulness, then living together is not the best thing to do. However, if you are not with him, you will always think of him being in someone else’s bed because you’ve lost trust. Learn to let go of your doubts or let go of the man. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Stop hurting yourself with the thoughts of losing him. It was his fault, so don’t hurt yourself trying to mend something he broke. I hope you find it in yourself to love yourself more and more. God bless you.
It will never be the same,Iv been there
It will never be the same…
Tell him to put himself in your shoes if you had the affair would he be okay with it after a year? Would he have stuck around to work things out? Of course to him everything is fine bc he got what he wanted…he got to have his cake and eat it too and now he knows that you will stay so what’s to say he won’t do it again? If the trust is totally gone then there is no point in continuing the relationship.
Unless these people have experienced or thought they experienced what you have gone through they are in no position to really empathically understand your dilema!
1st question do you still love him?
2nd do you have a family together to consider?
3rd Can you truly move on?
Now to carry on in the relationship you will have to eventually move on!
If he told you then he has probably felt guilt and accepted he was wrong!
Ask yourself why he is still with you and not with her!
To get to grips with what & why it happened maybe relflect on your relationship as a couple.
Had you both started to take eachother for granted?
Did you after all these years stop dating, flirting and making an effort with eachother.
Did you still work at making your relationship special?
Did you prioritise intimacy, time to talk, time to share special dates etc?
Now if you love him and you know he loves you then consider all the above and try yo draw a line under what happened.
You could access cbt counselling for support. He knows how you feel and understands which is helpful. He needs to be part of your healing journey. Don’t be embarrased, share your hurt, your feelings, fears and your tears. Its his mustake and not yours, but you are suffering so he should be part of it!
If you no longer love him then why put yourself through the needless heartache? But as you are still together means you may have something together that can withstand a storm, even as huge as this one! All the best. Hope you find your happy place. You are stronger than you believe. God bless you.
This might be an unpopular opinion… but you either have to choose to forgive him or you have to choose to leave him. Period. It’s not fair to him (or to you) to say you want to stay together but then punish him everyday for his mistakes. It’s not easy, it’s not easy at all. You’re going to have thoughts for a long time (things that remind you of that time) but it’s not constructive to make a big deal out of them, like shaming him or making him feel like crap over and over again. If you find that it’s impossible for you to do these things then yes it’s time to build a life without him in it. It is possible to recover from an affair. My husband and I chose to stay together, (was it hard, hell yes, am I thankful we worked it out, also hell yes!) it’s been 7 years. Our marriage is honestly the best it has ever been. My heart aches for you, I hope you can find the path that gives you the peace you need.
Once a cheater always a cheater
Sounds like YOU need to go to counseling. He doesn’t need to go with you. You need to work it out for yourself and then decide if you can move passed it or not.
To be honest am not sure you ever really get past it but the pain does get easier over time, you just get to the point to either let it eat away at you or you move forward and fight your thoughts and feelings you are having or you move on without him. Once trust is broken it is very hard to ever have that trust again but it can be done if you really want it and the other person wants it also. Even after 20 plus years those thoughts still pop in my head but I have learned to put up blocks and start doing other things to get my mind off the past, sometimes it works and other times I have to fight to keep going but the difference in me and you is that my husband no longer wanted me and I went on with my life and now have a wonderful husband that deals with my fears and understands that I trust him but sometimes those demons come back and I can’t fight it even though he was never the one that cheated on me, he still gets treated has if he has. That is why I said you never get past it you just learn to try and leave it in your past. I wish you strength and may God help you deal with the pain you are going through.
You have trash! Throw it away! The kind of person who would do this sort of thing, will probably do it again.
My first husband, I divorced him because at the end of the day… I would never forgive that because it wasn’t even about being a husband and wife; he wasn’t even my friend anymore. I know if we ever went through another tough situation he’d run to another woman, once you cross that line; it can be crossed effortlessly again.
Best decision ever though, because I found my true husband some time later and years later he’s my rock. He’d never do that to me.
Hope the best for you, remember you are worth more than that.
My husband is sleeping with his coworker as well. Just leave him. Once a cheater always a cheater
Then go to therapy alone. You need to find a way past it, whether he stays in your life or not, you still need to find a way to make peace with yourself.
I disagree with many here. People can make mistakes and not do it again. However it’s up to him to help you trust again. You need therapy for yourself.
I normally wouldn’t bring up a movie with such a serious topic. But we’re all mamas here and without going deep or into the complexities of you/him…For those that saw Sex and the City remember the Miranda/Steve affair. The writers and producer did a pretty good job at depicting the emotions that occur on both sides. (And this quote isn’t suggesting that you are punishing him)
“How do I know she’s not gonna punish me for the rest of my life?”
Therapist: You don’t.
And she doesn’t know for sure that you won’t have another indiscretion. All you can know is that you want to move forward and risk that the love you have for each other won’t allow that to happen. And that’s what we’ll discover here"
Simple, if you can’t let go of it then you need to let go of him ,and move on because you will never trust him again and It will just make your relationship so much worse. I know personally I could never work it out with my husband if he did the same because I would be thinking of it every day every time I kiss him, or just even look at him I would think of it.
I don’t think you ever really get over it. Even if you forgive him it’ll always be in the back of your mind. Try therapy by yourself so you can be open and honest and decide if you can move past it and what you should do if you cant
It will never be the same, the only thing that’s going to change is your mental health and not for the good. If you can’t and / or haven’t gotten completely over it, you should go, for yourself, for your own wellbeing.
Put you first, start getting the help you need. One on one help. Do things for you. That you like and love. You need help yourself, fix you, heal yourself. Your important. You deserve it. Take time for yourself, go out with a girlfriend. Do gateways with your bestfriends. Take up a hobby and just get to find yourself throughout all this hurt, emotion rollercoaster. No one deserve to go through this or be in this position. You need to let out those feeling emotionally, anger. Whatever way that may be walk, working out, listening to music, dance, art, etc. How you feel is totally normal.
Hence the reason i could never take them back could never trust again and would hate to be always wondering where they are and with who
The only way for you to free is God get in church get saved then you will be a great family again working for God then you can trust him
I’ve been there ! I Took him back but after years of pain and zero trust I knew it was over you will move on and find someone better I promise you!! He cheated on you so he didn’t love you!! Sorry xx
Beat him up & then probably get over it lol
I couldn’t forgive, you don’t cheat
You can forgive but you never forget. That’s what my therapist says 
if he has done everything right in the last year, why torture yourself with old thoughts? I say this from the perspective of being two years on the other side fyi. Still battling thoughts
You can forgive him but you’ll never forget how you felt when he betrayed you. With time he can earn the trust back, but you also have to learn to let him back in so he can prove himself to you. If you’re always talking about the affair, rehashing it of course it’ll always be on your mind. You have to decide if you really want to try to make it work, if you decide yes then you have to try very hard to not continue bringing it up. The only way forward is to quit living in the past, focus on how you go forward. What do you need from him, what do you need for yourself. Good luck.
Don’t linger thinking on it …move on
The jerk probably blamed it on you. Dump him
Once a cheater always a cheater