How do you do it, just know you are done, and leave a marriage? A few weeks back I found a message on my husband’s phone where someone called him baby. I could only see the preview as I put his phone down as he entered the room. As he unlocked his phone I asked if I could have a look at it. He outright said no and ran away like a child trying to clear his phone. Then stayed in the toilet for a good 5 minutes. When he came out he then offered to show me his phone. I told him too little too late and I know longer consider him my husband. The sad thing was I exposed him to our daughter at this moment for cheating on me when my kids were very little. I regret to this very day ever staying with him after he first cheated, wasting my youth on him, and for the way I broke the news of his infidelity to my kids. I went for a drive with both my girls right after this to talk about what I’d seen on his phone and what had previously happened. They are teens. They were both upset that I didn’t leave him the first time he cheated so they wouldn’t know life any differently. My younger child says outright leave him, he’s suspicious and has cheated previously and she’d never accept being treated that way. And I fully agree with her. But my older child doesn’t seem to want this. I’ve said to her we can get some help and talk to someone but she doesn’t want this and hesitantly says it’s ok if I leave that it’s up to me. I also don’t think I can handle my parents heartbreak. And of course I am scared. How do you survive financially? Mentally I know I can do it and would love it being just the 3 of us. I have absolutely no feelings left for this man, I am not staying for me that is for certain. I found another archived message in his phone after seeing the first message where he was calling another woman baby. The rest of the messages were deleted. He denies having done anything wrong, and says he was scammed. I’ve also caught him hiding his phone in his underwear when I came in the bathroom, before seeing the original message. When I confronted him he told me he was watching porn and was embarrassed. Another lie I am certain. He also lied about where he’d been not long before that. So I am certain there is something going on and to be honest I no longer care, I want out but not sure how to start or if I even should? And is divorce a costly process? Does the initiator have to pay for everything? Does anyone actually think I am overreacting by any chance?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband has cheated on me multiple times: Advice?
Simple rule, act like an adult and DO NOT involve children in adult issues. Leave him
You shouldn’t have told your children. I agree with the other comments that’s very manipulative. Your turning your girls against their father for you benefit if you do leave. Be careful with that because courts aren’t stupid and they’ll see it. Kids don’t belong in adult business. Contact and attorney for a consultation and ask them when they thing the proper steps would be. Stay with a family member file for separation then joint custody of the children. Kids are not pawns… co-parent to the best of your ability. You’re relationship is over and it sounds like you accept it. It’s time for you to heal and move on.
If you can get him to agree to the divorce look into doing the divorce yourself. You can get the papers online and print them out, then you need him to sign them in front of notary, you can also file a hardship waiver for the filing fee if you don’t make a lot of money when you go to file them at the courthouse. I was able to get my divorce done without paying anything.
It’s weird that you got your kids involved dude, and it sound like the only thing holding you there is finances which is a gross reason to stay with someone, debt and finances is not worth the position you tempting to stay in you are worth more and your kids need to know that the easy solution isnt always the best solution
Leave obviously, but for the love of all things, keep your children out of this. Why on earth would you put this on them???
Do not continue to involve your children in your marital problems. Children should not have to carry the burden of their parents.
You can contact legal aid for assistance if you can’t afford representation.
If you are going to leave, do so. I can’t stress enough to stop discussing your marital problems with your children.
Everyone saying to leave the girls out of it. What is suppose to tell them when she does divorce their dad. This divorce will also have affects on the kids. They are older teens so I’m sure they’d find out. If she divorces him they will ask questions.
First of all it’s not right to bring your children into your relationship issues. It’s wrong and manipulative!!! Second leave him.
First off this is not a decision you put on children. Your teen is hesitant bc her whole world crashing and her moms putting her into the middle of adult relationships.
Leave. He doesn’t love or respect you. He lies to you. Get tested asap: then get tested again. File with a lawyer. Respect yourself. And please stop involving your kids in your issues.
I stopped reading at “multiple times “ because I would have left after the first time.
Coming from a child that was exposed to my parents problems involving cheating LEAVE I still to this day struggle with trust issues in my own relationships bc of my dad cheating on my mom and this was over 20 years ago. I just got out of a relationship and he done these same things for 5 years never changed I always caught him cheating. Divorce is costly and if you file you pay. But it’s cheaper than the life of trauma for yourself and kids. Money comes and goes. Do not let that hinder you from leaving.
The first problem here, besides the cheating, is the fact that you’re treating your teenage daughters like they’re your friends and not like they’re your children. You should not be involving them in your personal relationship problems. Just leave already and stop messing around.
Everyone saying to not involve the kids, just stop. They are teenagers and when she files they would find out anyways. It’s not like they were small children and she was telling them to hate their father. She just let them know what was going on because she is thinking about divorce and that way they weren’t blind sided. They are old enough to form their own opinions and make their own judgements.
Multiple times? You know what you need to do… also never involve children in stuff like this.
Stand up & be a roll model for your daughters. What they see you tolerate, they to will tolerate in their relationships. What advice would you give them if this were their husbands behavior… Leave & don’t trust him right? Then follow through & do the same!
Not overreacting. No trust = no relationship.
On the side, please don’t involve your kids in adult issues.
Why would you be getting your kids mixed up in your relationship? That’s not healthy at all
Leave and be a good example to your girls. Your not doing anyone but him a favor staying. Go find your happiness. I know it’s scary but you won’t regret it. Take it from someone who’s done a lot of scary stuff. You don’t find true success and happiness if you don’t push through fears and do what you know in your gut you need to. A simple question from a book that chalked my life. “What would you do of you weren’t afraid?” The answer always lies here.
I’d say leave don’t stay for the kids, never worth it.
Was in this situation before. It wont change I promise you. Nothing you can do can make him stop. There’s something within himself that makes him continuously do these things. That’s not a mistake, it’s a character flaw. He clearly doesn’t see the issues with his actions and constantly lies. You have kids that are being shown what standards you are settling for, and if anything, you should want to set a better example for them of what they should not tolerate from their future spouses. Sit and think would you want your girls to feel the way you do continuously? I know first hand, you can literally forgive and forgive, love someone more than respecting yourself, and end up completely losing all love you have for that person. Just leave. Once you have your own peace of mind, you won’t ever want to have it disturbed again. I promise you’ll make a way. Us moms always do
I don’t see anything wrong with telling your children the reason why you want a divorce. They are both teens and understand what infidelity and betrayal are. But the flip side of that is now you have to leave him or else your daughters are going to see that you stayed with an unfaithful man, in an unhappy marriage and that is the example you are setting for them.
You will each pay for your own lawyer, no you won’t be paying for everything. I am going to recommend you get a lawyer first and file first! A lawyer will and can help you to navigate this process best.
It isn’t your fault he cheated on you. You will survive. Get things started ASAP so you will have precautions in place.
How sad you doubt yourself. It’s not up to your daughters. You are no one’s door mat. Get checked for stds and file for divorce
Just leave! Trust me when I say you deserve better!
You are not overreacting - leave
Leave leave leave sorry mama he will keep cheating
Leave !!! You will have a way better life
The first time he cheated should have been the last for you.
Sorry, I didn’t get past the first few sentences. You need to leave.
you definitely need to leave and teach your girls this is not how they should be treated!!! you are the example to them. they will start to loose respect for you for staying!! trust me… been there done that!!!
Once a cheater always a cheater. If he did it once he’ll do it again. My ex cheated on me and I didn’t find out until I had the balls to leave him and he verbally told me himself. I never in my life thought he would’ve ever done that but clearly does to show you don’t truly know somebody . Leave . Take your girls and start over. It’s rough to do but you can do it ! I started over with my girls and found my current fiancé when I wasn’t even searching for love and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.
Nope. If you’re done, then it’s serious talk time. Ask him if he’ll go to counseling or if he wants to jump ahead to court, alimony & child support payments. Research your state laws. Some states are no fault and some are infidelity caused. First… get proof !!!
Do not get your kids involved. Just hire a divorce lawyer and take it from there
You’ll have to pay your lawyer and fees but you can sue him for the cost.
You just need to take the first step and go. I know it’s scary but everything will fall into place. You need to focus on you and your girls now and nvm what he’s going to do because you already know what he’s going to do. I’m in the same boat, 2 weeks in and I’m finally feeling better and accepting everything for what it is. I see a brighter future anyways. You deserve better and you will never have the chance for that by staying with him. Leave.
You have answered your own question, honey. Now is the time. I’m praying for you and your girls
Lawyer up file first before him. Get started now. Kids can still see father. However I would not stay any longer. U got this there is alot of single parent’s.
You told your kids about interpersonal discourse in your marriage? Good luck convincing your family court judge that isn’t parental alienation.
I’m not understanding why your standards are so low and why you are wrapping your kids into his drama.
Try following your individual therapists advice.
First off do not involve children in adults business. They don’t need the details or why smh
- Leave him.
- You should never involve children in adult issues. They have enough going on in their own lives to worry about adult things.
- You can survive financially easily. Many single parents do it. Get on assistance if you need to. He will have to pay child support. That will help. (In my state, child support recovery unit can legally take (and give the custodial parent) up to half the non-custodial parent’s income per month. (You both have to provide proof of bills you pay, etc.)
- Your parents’ heartbreak isn’t your main concern. Yeah, it sucks, but take care of your girls and yourself. That is your number one priority.
- Get an attorney and file first.
You should never have made adult problems into your children’s problems.
Tell him OUT!!!
You shouldn’t leave until you have a solid plan.
He is also responsible to pay bills after he leaves!
I lived this as a battered wife beaten every time his infidelity was uncovered!!
If he has a “Babe” he can live with her!!
Just leave once a cheater always a cheater spare your self the heart ache and as of for telling the girls I don’t believe in bringing kids into adult problems
Only put up with what you feel you deserve. Self respect and self worth is most important. Your kids will grow up and leave home and you will be left wasting more of your precious life which is actually really short. You can’t stay with this man for your kid’s. You deserve to be happy. Way out your options and start planning. The kids will survive.
He’s cheating leave him . His phone is locked
Leave & get an attorney. Also like to point out that your gonna want a good one because you don’t involve your kids under any circumstance.
I don’t know why the long post. He cheated. Just leave. YOUR KIDS SAID LEAVE!. HE’S HIDING STUFF. Him running away with his phone, really? How deluded are you that your KIDS see it clearly more than you
1st stop bringing the kids into your adult business thats a big no no and i say that from experience. 2nd depending on ur state u can file a fee waiver. My 2nd divorce was free and I did it on my own by printing divorce papers off a self help law library in my state.
My heart breaks for you
Do yourself a favor and get out while you can. Otherwise he’s going to do it again and you will wish you’d gotten out this time. Don’t stay for the kids you’re not happy and he has proven he can’t be trust worthy. Sorry you’re going through this.
Time to turn the page and start a new chapter. Start with looking at what is financially in your best interest based on whether you are buying a home or renting a home; if renting, start looking for a place of your own. Hopefully, you are able to afford a place for all three of you without any couch surfing with friends or family in between. You can file for a legal separation if you are considering counseling or file for divorce if you are ready and he’s amicable. If he’s not then, it may be time to hire an attorney. The kids are basically old enough, as teens, to decide where they want to be.
Kids shouldn’t be brought into adult situations is your #1 fault. #2 staying after he’s cheated multiple times #3 worried about what your parents will say
It’s your life you want better for you and your daughters. You need to leave because your daughters will
Think it’s ok to be treated like that.
Just leave him get on your own and worry about the divorce later since he cheated make him leave
Listen. I only read “My husband cheated multiple times”… I don’t have to. GET OUT NOW!!! KNOW YOUR WORTH!! Yes, I’m speaking from experience! You’ll feel better in a year. Trust me on this one!!
First your children should have never been consulted.
Second if you see things on his phone take a photo of them.
It could help you in court if he try’s to make you pay for anything.
Get an attorney. Usually they have a retainer fee of like 2k. Once you go over that amount then you start paying. If your lucky you can solve all things through mediation and not have to go to court. Ask for more than you want and you will bargain down to what you want.
Watch your bank accounts!!
It depends on your guy but you might have to withdraw everything and hold it so he doesn’t go blow it and you can divide it in the end. You can even stop credit cards so he doesn’t go on a spending frenzy. You will be liable to split all debt in most states.
How could you even let that happen a second time? I would not have stayed after the first time because when you sit there and you accept that behavior, you’re telling your partner that it is okay for you to disregard me and disrespect me. No spouse should ever stand for a second time. You’re self-worth should always come first because if they cared about you and they respected you, they would not sit there Have done that in the first place. You’re worth more.
I’d make the move and have the upper hand instead of being surprised by him filing first. Hes clearly not happy, who says he wont leave you instead? Protect yourself.
The cats out of the bag with your kids and everything. Just leave and take him for child support. You can make it. Stop worrying what others will say because your not in the wrong. He is.
Youre still with a cheater. You aint gonna leave. Youre too dependant on a damn man.
Be independent. Theres nothing you need a man for. Leave and stay single.
So I have alot of feelings on this because it has recently come out to everyone that my mother has been in a relationship for the last 6 years. She has been married to my father for 32 years. I am the oldest and I honestly didn’t know how to react I waited to see what my father wanted to do. My brother who is the middle child says she did nothing wrong, which is complete bs and will say anything to keep her happy. My sister who is the youngest instantly shared her feelings and said they should split. My father decided he wants to work on it so I have been quiet. Two weeks ago I lost it and just said how I feel. If it were me I would have left the marriage before cheating because what is the point in bringing someone else down with you. There is so much more, but the point is that you need to do what is the best for you. Your children will react as what is best for them. If you choose to leave they will get over it in their time because in the end your the one who will have to live with him. Our situation is a little different just for the simple fact all three of us are 25 and above.
Get some therapy and stop using your kids as an outlet for starters.
He’s a cheater, it’s clear he isn’t going to stop. You need to find some self dignity and leave or just come to peace with the fact your husband is a cheater and stay.
Try to get access to your phone bill/account online you can usually see who everyone is calling and texting. Keep proof for your divorce if possible.
Ur not over reacting. You should leave ur husband. He’s a cheater. That being said, he’s ur kids father. That has NOTHING to do with ur relationship as his wife. You should not have told his daughters about ur guys issues…
Dont think about it just walk out that door xx
Can’t you get out of the marriage pretty easy if the spouse cheats and you have proof?
Headline said it all and enough didn’t even read it
Get an attorney one who can answer all of your questions. But you can receive child support and maintenance/alimony to help you with your home bills. Don’t leave your home if you don’t have to.
If you want to stay stay just remember you have the choice to go your children don’t…
You can do cheap divorce, if you two can agree to things. Other wise it may get costly. But get a free consult from an attorney. See what your options are take it from there.
There’s nothing wrong with talking to and being honest to your teenage children. Especially in a situation where it affects them immensely too…
Also, you all need to support each other through the coming changes…so talk talk talk! Just be kind and honest x as for him…yuck.
He’s lost it for sure
Leave!! They don’t change.
It’s time sis I’m so sorry I tried too long I regret it
Whoa is house owned by both of you. You deserve half of everything. He can be made to leave until things are dissolved. You definitely need to speak to attorney and don’t tell him. If has committed adultery then that’s against your marriage. Please seek advice. Consultation is usually free and he could be made to pay for your attorney.
Should have left the first time you caught him, once a cheater always a cheater
Shame on you for involving children in adult matters. Leave him and get some therapy for the 3 of you. Despicable.
Seems to me you have no problem knowing you’re done and leaving. Seems like you really want help with the fear aspect. Therapy for all of you first of all. Secondly you will figure financials out as you go, all you’re looking for right now is a starting point. You can build on it later you just need enough money for a start, any start you can get your hands on. So be it a job and/or reaching out to loved ones and shelters start looking for a starting point. If you are in a position to kick him out start looking up laws on how to do that. Stop looking at the whole picture, you just need your starting point. Once you got that you’ll get the rest as you need it.
Save every dollar by next year about 3 months enough to get a down payment and extra
If your children came to you and told you, that would be okay to tell them. Otherwise it isn’t something you tell your kids
Also find out if you’re in an at fault state. If you are he’s screwed in the divorce.
You’re not over reacting. You’re done.
How can you burden your children with this?
The decision is only yours , pls leave the kids out of it , they cannot bear the load of taking decisions of that kind , leave your parents out of it as well , their heartbreak would be bigger if they know what you went and are going through , you will deal with it all all once you are done . For now , yes this is the time you throw the towel !
Sounds like my ex husband, used the toilet to use his phone for his side pieces…
Is anyone else wondering why she told the kids her adult problems then to stay with the man she is really setting an example!
You already know you both ain’t happy with the relationship so leave. Why be miserable if you or your husband are unhappy.
Definitely not over reacting. They have fee waivers to file papers at the court if you qualify so that it costs nothing, or sometimes a lower amount depending on the income bracket.
Go be free. Find somebody deserving of you and leave this scum bag!
Baby girl u got to go. Pack up and start a new life. Don’t waste anymore time and energy on a man that finds comfort in other women. Know ur worth and walk;))
Start divorce procedures. Your kids are old enough to know the truth but leave all the other stuff about the divorce just between you and your husband. The court will frown on kids involvement. Get money out into your own account. Try to go for custody of the kids and ask for child support. As for your parents they should be on your side and not feel bad for him since he hurt you for so many years.
Find a cheap lawyer. Ask kids what they want for visits tell lawyer. U can usually make payments
that’s heartbreaking, I stayed with a cheater for 30 years, for the kids sake, when they were grown i left, Hon, don’t waste anymore of your life on Him, I feel so bad for you, There are shelters and free legal help in some states, God Bless…
From experience, once they do it once, they will do it again! I know it’s a hard spot, especially with kids involved!
You should just leave him and you should’ve never got your children I involved.
I’m sorry you’re letting your children weigh in on what you do in your marriage. If you don’t stand up for yourself….
No I don’t think you’re overreacting in any sense of the way. I don’t know about divorce though. I’d ask a lawyer about that. And as for your parents reaction ask them what they feel and do if that happened to them, bet they’ll feel a different way. You have to go sweetie, plain and simple. Maybe work out a way for you guys to live together until you can get it together enough to do it on your own? Good luck mama and I’m sorry you and your kids are going through this
I think all of us have said things as moms about their dads to our kids that we regret. I know when I’ve fought with mine in the heat of the moment I’ve vented to my kids…our kids sometimes are our only friend and we can forget sometimes that we are Supposed to keep it together as that’s their dad. Mine are little and don’t understand when i slip and say things but ive definitely vented and regretted it and had to go back and repair and explain. Even to my 2 year old lol I talk to myself alot when I’m upset and forget tiny ears are listening. Nobody is perfect. And for those saying that you shouldn’t have told them as its “turning them against their dad”. I’m unsure of if this is really fair. If your husband didn’t want his bad deeds to come to light then he never should have done them…unfortunately I think children have a right to know why their parents are divorcing…and it’ll do what it does. They will find out the truth regardless one day. If you want to be know for being a good person…be one. It’s manipulative to not tell your kids the truth. You do need to watch what you say. But condemning you for venting to your kids is crazy as I can bet we’ve all slipped and said things we shouldn’t infront of or to our kids. Nobody is perfect. Your teenage daughters seem to understand because they understand the concept of cheating and clearly want you happy. Your youngest sounds to young to fully grasp what it is and how it’s not normal. But she will understand one day just like your teenage daughters. You can and should move on. Trust yourself to do what is needed.
Follow your heart! I got a divorce and used a paralegal to draw up the papers because me and my ex pretty much agreed on everything and all we had to do was appear in court before the judge. So much cheaper! Best wishes to you because you most certainly deserve better
You shouldn’t have shouldered your children with the burden of your marriage woes whether they’re 16 or 36. Either leave him or don’t.
You can do more then you think can! Stop thinking so hard and start taking action……who cares about outsiders feelings think about you
Don’t divorce him! Take him for everything he has. Make him miserable and unable to marry someone else. Make him file
But leave him!