My husband ignores me when he comes home from work: Advice?

Does anyone elses spouse basically ignore you the second they get home from work…i feel so unappreciated and like i dont matter and i have talked to him about how i am feeling but he says he needs time to unwind and i get that…but i need attention too…i am home alone all day with the kids, cooking and cleaning and just wanna feel like i am enough…is it just me?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband ignores me when he comes home from work: Advice?

He just got home from work chill out stop being whiny or clingy let him unwind from work then talk and spend time with him

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Don’t have food ready or whatever else ready you normally do and when he decided that he wants whatever it is tell him you just need time to unwind… if my man ain’t up my ass wanting to talk to me then I’ll take a baseball bat and make him talk. Lol

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My husband is the opposite of this. I think quality time together is important, too.

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Give him time to unwind. Don’t place all responsibility on him to give you attention …… invite friends over sometimes to socialize

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Yep straight to the beer fridge

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My husband says the same… I let him be !! :heart: My husband isn’t an ass about it. He says hi, kisses me and the kids. Hugs and nicely requires some alone time to unwind

He will be ready to interact when he is ready and ok to be around the kids.

-he is in corrections

he should at least say hi to you and the kids , and give you all a hug and a kiss unless he is really dirty from work

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Compromise, when he comes home give him a hug and kiss… Let him unwind for 30 minutes or so then ask him how his day was, then you tell him how your day was… Then you both get what you need.

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Definitely not just you. It’s hard being alone all day with kids, cleaning, and cooking alone. I did it for 3 years and felt like I was actually going crazy. This will cause resentment if not resolved soon and your marriage will reap the consequences. Either therapy or communication. If not, change is in order.

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My man always comes home kisses me and he also text me on work breaks saying he loves me and misses me

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Let him unwind. My whiney a$$ ex husband was home on disability for a year. He brought our daughter to daycare. I owned a 7 day a week biz working 55-70 hours. Busy, noisy, chaotic business most days. When I walked in the door after he sat his lazy a$$ in his lazy boy all day, then he’d pick up daughter, he’d get mad that I wanted 15 minutes of quiet time. Because you know he can’t take care of her. Lazy mf. Yes he was on disability. BUT he wasn’t too disabled to join leagues at the bars every week and drink enough to be falling over.

Let the man have some wind down time. Don’t be so needy. Or he’ll be happily divorced like I am.

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Mine comes home and ignores me and the kids some days but his job is very hot, hard and overwhelming. Plus he works overtime pretty much daily so we don’t mind him relaxing and resting his brain and body for awhile. :woman_shrugging:t2: gotta be reasonable though. Is he ignoring you the entire evening or just for a little bit right when he gets home?

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You need to have time but you need to find something for you to unwind to. Yours is as important busy n stressful as his. When you feel like you’re less stressed go to him :slight_smile: you both come together unaffected by the day and it’s just you time

Nope! Every woman who has a family, husband, & a job.

Not just you. Fathers that don’t stay home to look after kids as their job will NOT know what you are going through UNLESS they have been in your shoes for more than a day…I feel you. But mine tries even though he is tired. Let him unwind by slapping him across the face with a burrito wrap…SMACK

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Mine works manual labor, in the southern heat alll day, and is gone 12 hour days. He comes home, gives kisses and hugs and talks to us for a few minutes…hi missed you etc. then takes an hour long nap. Then gets up and eats supper with us/spends time with us. So there can definitely be a compromise on his part.

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Definitely not how my husband treats me.
He talks with me, plays with kids and so on. He will absolutely relax when he gets home but he is still engaged with us.
He also recognizes i need to unwind just as much as he does.
I’m sorry you are treated this way, unfortunately it seems it common by reading the replies here.

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And you don’t need to unwind? Maybe ignore his selfish ass…I would…want space? You got it…gtf out. Is he a husband, dad or 5 yrs old? Being stay at home all day with kids isn’t a picnic either and all household chores to keep up on.

My husband comes home, kisses me, and goes to lay down for an hour or so. Then he comes and spends a couple of hours with me. We don’t have kids though. I might feel differently about it if I’d been chasing little ones all day.

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Let the man chill out for a minute. Sounds like you’re at stay-at-home mom. He just put in long hours not saying that you haven’t. Why must you seek attention the second he walks through that door.? Sounds like to me everything is about you. I bet you if you’re a stay-at-home mom you want time to chill without the kids bugging you. But we are only hearing one side of the story. And I bet also if the shoe was on the other foot you would like to decompress and unwind as well. You deserve that and so does he.

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I have same problem and i dont even get the nice response majority of the time
Mine’s mostly full of attitude when he gets home from work… takes all his work frustrations out on me
And i am too a stay at home mom of two a 1yr old and 3yr old it’s exhausting not being able to talk to at least the spouse after a day of hearing whining constantly from the kids and them fighting etc

I started giving my partner an hr uninterrupted to unwind after work, now he’s up my ass the entire rest of the night lmao. Just try it. When he comes home give him a kiss and let him chill, he may be more able and willing to interact in a sweet way with you after decompressing.

It’s Not just you - many stay at home moms feel this way . They have talked at work and we have done nothing but talk to little ones . They are ready to be quiet and we have to waited all day to talk to an adult . Try marriage counseling and if he won’t go , you go alone . This too shall pass !

It’s really not you, it’s him. Work takes it out of these men who do tough jobs, even desk jobs. I try not to talk to mine for like 10 minutes at least when he gets home.

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Bugger that don’t let him treat you like that! He’s disrespectful don’t let him be,

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Tell him to take 1/2 hour outside the home… then come home and greet you like you deserve to be greeted.

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Maybe you feel that way because YOU feel lonely. Make mom friends, go for a jog… you’re probably stressed and lonely. Don’t put all that stress on him :cold_sweat:

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Some men have not lost the warmer feelings for their families. They feel the need to interact when they are home because they have been away all day and the home and family are what they have been working for. They want to enjoy what they have. They want to forget about the crap at work and be home. Other men seem to resent working. They start to resent the spouse who holds down the fort, and the fort itself. They take out the fatigue by isolating and withdrawing from the main cause of their labors. At least that’s the feeling I always got. There’s no way to fix that except to stay out of that person’s way until they decide to be social. Some come out of the after work snit… some get more and more distant over time till the relationship falls through. I would ask this guy if he would go to counseling with you. Maybe you can get him to open up.

I see both sides. My husband overwhelms me when he gets home from work. Sometimes he calls me on the way home and that drives me crazy because I just want to sit and watch a show alone for a little bit. On the other hand if he just ignored me when he got home I would be pissed. Come give me and the kids a kiss and then go take your 30 mins to unwind and then watch a show with me. There is a way to have your time to unwind without being totally disrespectful to your partner.

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They say they need time to unwind. So leave him alone for 2 hours then he needs to help out.

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Everyone needs time to unwind when they get home from work. Give him a kiss when he comes home and then some space.

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Talk to him about it and maybe come up with an amount of time he has to unwind from work before you guys have some time together. Some people just need some time to decompress. My friends son asked her to give him 30 minutes when he gets home from work before she starts asking him about his day and what not.

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That wasn’t how my stbx ex husband acted till he was talking to other ppl

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He’s just busted his ass all day to let you stay home w your kids. Let him unwind. Let him relax. Then approach him

So many women putting up with the bare minimum, honestly you’re all better off as single parents.

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He’ll get his time to unwind when he comes home to a divorced household if he doesn’t change.

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Don’t put dinner on the table, and will see how long he ignores you for

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Look I get that you may want some attention from your husband when he get home. But do give him a little time to decompress. My wife allows me sometime time to myself when I get after a 12hr shift. The reason she does that is so if I was having a bad at work I can unwind and not accidentally take out anything on her or the kids. Sometimes a man just needs a few minutes to clear his head after work. I know when I get home I take 20-30mins for myself that when I sit down eat my breakfast and clear my head of all my work stress then I spend time with kids (if my 2 oldest are not at school when I get home) mostly my 4yr she come cuddles with daddy and mommy and we watch something then I fall asleep.

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I totally get his side. I see nothing wrong with coming home and unwinding for a few :tipping_hand_woman:. But in return he should give you a break at some point too. It goes both ways

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Do you make him coffee or some think nice . May be get the shower going with his clother out wait . All have dinner going . Some think he like .

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My fiance comes home to sleep. It’s just what he does.

I started working full time :laughing:. I stayed at home for a bit after having our son. I felt the same way you are… my husband worked quite a bit. I felt I was left to do it all, & then there was no us!.. I started back to work and there was us, plus help with house work, we try to get out to eat, just us, every now & then… it must of worked, because that was 16 years ago, still married with kids :laughing:… but do you make time for each other… date night, help each other with chores, make his lunch, coffee/favorite drink, he is out there working so you can stay at home… family game night… you say you at home cleaning… do you make a schedule so you have free time for yourself or both have free time… also not to take his side… but when I get home I like to just unwind, take a breather, relax… my husband is the same… we both have physical, hot, stressful jobs, we give each other time… it takes 2, give each other breaks.

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Ignore him don’t cook for him

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Make yourself go out when he gets home… It’s time for you time

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As a 43 year old mom of 2 teen boys and being married 18 years this is best advise I have - is it worth the fight? Is it worth the stress? Will waiting a little extra really make a difference in the big picture? If not then let him have it and we don’t have to have every thing our way.
If your love your hubbie and being married u have to think “ is this soo impt to me I’m willing to risk our happiness over it” if not let it go. Give him time to decompress and then he’ll be ready to give u all his attention. Maybe he doesn’t want to take anything out on you and be in a good state of mind. Let him have his time as long as it’s reasonable and as long as he’s still taking your needs into consideration also after he relaxes a bit

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Married here 20 years :raising_hand_woman:t3:. Wow, what’s going on with these comments? Don’t feed him? Divorce?? There are many steps you can try before getting to divorce and I would never recommend/advise a woman to leave a whole marriage because I read a one sided post. My advice, look at your relationship as a whole and only you’ll know if he is a good husband and if your relationship is salvageable. You and him should speak about expectations and be honest about what expectations he can meet vs what expectations you can meet. Tell him what expectations are deal breakers for you. I believe unmet expectations is the leading cause of divorce because it usually leads to resentment and desensitizing of said relationship. Remind him that you evolve as a woman every couple of years or when your family dynamics have changed (2 kids instead of one, etc) so what you expected from him can and will change as you evolve. If he says he needs to get home from work and unwind, then give him that time. some people are wired differently and he might need time to decompress.I separated from my husband for 5 years. He too would come home and want to unwind but i felt that things needed to be discussed at that moment. I shared this with another woman who has been married for a very long time and she said, if what I need to tell him is not an emergency, then let him get settled and wait 2 hours to speak with him (the 2 hours included eating dinner). At first I’d argue but what about me and my time? I work 2 jobs, I don’t have time to wait, but I tried it her way and that’s exactly what fixed the problem. I work at two hospitals and now when I get home I need time to let off stem/adrenaline almost like a transitional period before I come across my kids and husband, especially if I lost a patient or work politics that I stay away from. I’ll even call one of my friends (also in the medical field) that will understand the hell I just went through. Can you relate to your husband? Could it also be that you require a lot of attention or is he really not giving you enough (only you can answer that) Another thing you can do is change your role in the marriage. You can’t control what he does, you can only control your own actions. Good luck

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hes literally trying to reset his brain & body after coming home from work… give him that moment & dont expect a kiss/hug & full on husband as soon as he enters the door… people need a moment, give them that moment…

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Well after i been at work for 8 to 10 hr in 95 to 110 degree temps the first thing i want to do is chill for a min n then shower get n relax n collect my mind. So i can see him wanting a few mins of " him time"

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My husband never talks to me and I don’t mind because I am busy with other things any way ., I believe to each his own

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He has literally worked all day while you stayed home. This isn’t a fight to have grow up

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I wouldn’t take it personally. Ive been the one working wanting me time when I got home and I’ve been the one home all day wanting to have adult conversation the second an adult came through the door. Like I said though i wouldn’t take it personally. If he is giving attention once he has relaxed for a few and is a good father and husband in other aspects I would try my hardest to figure out why I feel that way. Sometimes being a mom we get lonely and discouraged and feel like no one notices all we do. My advice is take some me time once he has a chance to relax so you can as well. Go out with friends for coffee while hubby bathes the kids for bed, or go for a short walk around the neighborhood to reset your mind, you have to learn to be comfortable on your own as well and then you won’t get so hung up on not being able to talk as soon as your husband comes home. But life with littles can be rough on a marriage. Just make sure to remember you both are tired and you fell in love with each other before the kids for a reason. You have to work to keep a spark alive.

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How long does he take to unwind? Does he ignore you the rest of the night? You do not need all his attention as soon as he walks in the door. A kiss and a hello how was your day? Is enough

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I did the same yrs ago , it’s nothing personal

I get he wants to unwind, mine has to as well…I’m a sahm too and I give him his time when he comes home. Usually after his shower he’s good to go. But I’m never ignored at any time!!! If he wanted it that way then he should’ve stayed single :woman_shrugging:t2:

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I always give my husband a bit when he gets home to unwind before talk. The last thing he wants or myself when we home from work if he’s home with the kids is to throw a bunch of shit or nonsense on his plate. We just do a family dinner n talk then.

Currently I’m on a layoff and he’s working and I give him 30/40 min once he gets home unless he’s pulling up when I’m starting class then bets are off here’s your kid good night to both of you as they are both asleep by the time I’m done usually with my classes 2 nights a week. But my kids are laid out for him for the night.

When we are both working I’m the one doing school drops and pickups and going to work in between on top of the majority of the house work and coooking. So I think it’s a catch 22.

Maybe schedule friend days girls nights whatever. That’s what we do he gets one weekly a boys night and I get a girls night monthly. It helps cuz we can vent get other perspectives unwind and spill the tea for solutions but it helps us unwind and let’s us get friend time so we don’t feel so lonely and isolated as we both have been working and on layoffs several times through our marriage

Mine will get home and 7 times outta 10 he’ll stay outside and he’ll be home for a good while and I won’t know it. (We have a decent sized property) mind you he goes straight to caring for the lawn, garden, animals, whatever he decides to do. But he could be home for 30 minutes to an hour without coming in to see me. The other percent, which he’s been actually getting better at gradually, he’ll come in and say hi and give me a kiss and then go atraight back out. But even when he does that he’s out there most days 8 out of 10 times until one of the kids or myself tell him to come in for dinner. And then he’ll sit on the couch the rest of the night watching tv. And considers that quality time. Soooooo… :woman_shrugging:

I’ve asked for more time together, more attention and he made me a deal where he’d get an hour to unwind and then spend time with me or the kids for the evening, like alternate days and such so he’s not completely burned out or overworked, and it never changed. The “he will if he wants to” comes into play here. I’ve decided it’s not worth it to waste my breath asking again because we’ve had the conversation many times and he promises change and never does it. I guess it depends on what you’re willing to put up with. Now it might be different if he spent time with us on the weekend instead of during the week, but he doesn’t even do that. He’ll be outside all day on the weekends only coming in sporadically to cool off or use the bathroom. :woman_shrugging:

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Girl! Your feelings are VALID!!!

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I don’t know what men think, they’re all busy in the brain not in the heart. We’re emotional feeling creatures, we crave deeper levels in connecting with our partners and it sounds like a love language of yours is conversation and eye contact. Express your needs, compromise, allow the unwind time, we all need that, then go and talk it out, remember I not you when talking, no blame games, just I feel this or that, find something that sparks your creativity too, to fill the little voids you have. Plan a date too. Even if it’s a hot dog so what, go together grab a bite, laugh and enjoy eachother. You plan it bc it sounds like he’s busy, get his input on day and time but you plan it. Get a babysitter too. You already know, just go be the change and create that romance you want with him. I see what’s bugging you, it’s not complicated, you feel a disconnect with him bc you’re both working hard and haven’t focused on eachother in a bit from the sounds of it, so take that man on a date and go make memories, then come back here and update😊

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If I wasn’t home taking care of our kids , doing the housework , appointments , cooking , etc , then we would have to pay someone for it . So I see it as my job . People saying give him an hour or two after to unwind , how is that realistic if you have kids ? My husband works until 5. Our kids bed time is 8 . They deserve their dads attention , so when he gets home , he changes , eats dinner with us , and jumps into the family routine . He gets two days off, he gets some down time then, I don’t ! My job is 24/7. We both get a few hours every two weeks to go out with friends , without each other . Being in a marriage and a parent means making things a priority . He can relax when kids are in bed .

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You two need to have a frank discussion about the amount of time he needs to unwind and if there is something he can do to help himself unwind such as taking a walk, watering the plants, going to the store, taking a shower, etc. Figure out how much time he’s going to need and give him that time. Jobs today can be very stressful. A little time each day or evening to move oneself out of work mode and into family mode is not unreasonable.

I’m ignored by my husband. IDGAF - if he wants to ignore me that’s fine. I’ll ignore him too. He’s always asleep when I get home from work anyway. I’d rather be all alone than be ignore which most the time I am alone.

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This is me and you are my husband. Some of us have stressful jobs and need to have some peace when we get home. My husband works solo all day and needs attention. We have four kids so he can go talk them lol seriously though we spend 1 day a week at our favorite local establishment, he lets me have peace the rest of the week

What a douche the second my husband comes home he comes straight to me and we hang out for the rest of the night with the kids we are his way to unwind your feelings are very valid

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I’ve been all over the board here:
-I worked while my ex stayed home.
-I was a single parent.
-I worked and so did my (now) husband.
-I stayed home while my (now) husband worked.
-We’ve had two brief periods where we were both home.
-Now he works. I still stay home with the kids and WFH part time.

The truth is that BOTH of your feelings are valid. Yours and His.

I’m not sure what type of job he has, but I can tell you that taking that time to decompress after work is really important for a lot of people.
When they don’t take that time the stress and frustration from work bleeds over to their partners and even the kids…Not intentionally mind you.
But I know after a really bad shift I’m crabby or ready to cry and I can’t hold a conversation with anyone unless they’re willing to listen to me bitch about my day.
It’s not personal. That time does as much good for them (even if they don’t know it) as it does for me.

But…I’ve also been stuck at home alone with the kids with zero adult interaction. I know how isolating that feels. I know what it’s like to crave interaction with someone who isn’t a mini-human. I get moody when I don’t get it.

You both have needs that need to be met.
That’s ok. You each want your needs met and that’s ok too.
The problem is that right now your needs oppose each other.
If he’s ignoring you the entire time he’s home after work that’s a different can of worms.
But…
If he’s not ignoring you the entire time he’s home I’d suggest a little patience. Give him some time to decompress from work.

I’m guilty of doing that but only because my social meter has run out. It’s a annoyance to go from working to someone touching/talking to me, just give him a few hours.

Get some hobbies of your own.

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Uhhh i couldn’t
We are attached. I work shift work 12 hrs nights and days alternating . He works from home. We cook together we go to bed together . We go out on our shopping trips together . We go to the gym together. Guh he’s my best friend!!!

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How long is he taking to unwind? The whole evening? Then that’s a problem.

I’m the type of person that I’ll need at least a few hours to unwind especially from a stressful day at work. My children even know that about me and leave me be until they see I’m ready.

My husband’s work is more physical than mine, so yes, he’ll come home, take a shower and nap for a few hours. Then it’s family time. I saw nothing wrong with dad. Even when I was a SAHM…

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Nah girl you deserve attention and appraisal.spoil yourself, give yourself a night out with your friends, make it often too.

I think someone found my ex husband!

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I get he wants to unwind . Maybe talk with him and just set a time each day to spend 1 on 1 even just to watch am episode of a show together and cuddle.

Me and my husband have 4 kids and both work . So I get being tired needing to unwind and unfortunately not enough hrs in a day .

Yout communicating witch is good ! That’s so important.
Maybe have a regular date night once or every other week just to spend a couple hrs of quality time .

Not sure how old the kids are but maybe find a sitter if needed . My mom always watches my Littles so me and my husband can have date night .

Best of luck momma

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when he gets home walk to the park or walk around the block… When mines want to act crazy like that, I act crazy like him… I’ll pack my kids and tell them we’re going to go get some ice cream…

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Everyone handles stores different and maybe he just needs a tad bit more time to “switch” over.
Trial period:
Try to give home. A tad bit more time and see if that helps and then go from there.
I’ve been there and giving a bit more time helped him and giving him the freedom to take a bit longer showed I appreciated him and let him features. He became more present. When is get upset right away it just perpetuated the stress and added tension between us.
But definitely have a conversation about how you feel and coming together in this so you both get your needs met!

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Ummm give him a space. Chezzz not when he just got home. Let him relax for a little bit. Maybe he’s having a hard day at work too. And he look forward to come home and relax.

Not normal. He sounds like a total jerk. My husband comes home. Gives out hugs Nd kisses, showers, and participates with me and the children.

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What kind of work does he do? Is he in the sun all day? My husband is a tree climber. He is literally burnt out when he gets home. I love on him and our daughter will curl up beside him on the couch in the evenings. He’s not very talkative and doesn’t really want to do anything after work, which I completely understand. He works really hard taking care of us, so that I can homeschool our child. We don’t know the whole story, but the man could just be tired and burnt out. What I usually do when I feel like I need more attention than what I’m getting, is tell him we need him to have fun with us. Then the following weekend (he works 6 days a week sometimes), he spends his entire Sunday making up for how much he misses from working so hard. He will spend the whole Sunday as a family, and then he spends the night spending time with me. Please do not listen to all these crazy toxic ass women. They sound bitter. Don’t let them make you bitter too. All men are not bad. Some should be shown some grace. They work hard. So do we, but it’s not the same as being drained in the sun. Best of luck! Communication is key!!

So. If you grabbed a blanket and cuddled up on his lap. Would it be an issue? Don’t let him argue. Tell him he has no choice. And as the man of the house he is the only one who can provide you with your 15 minutes ! Most guys will say. Ok. Ok ok. Come here. Some might argue. But for the most part. If you do all the work (for this) and all he has to do is sit there and continue to unwind, he should be chill with it. I give my fiancée maybe 20 minutes. You know that run around doing this doing that. But then I am on his lap. But I’ve already gotten a kiss and a how was your day. Don’t be afraid to start those conversations. Ask him. Let him get it off his chest. Marriage is not always easy. An always happy marriage with children. That’s another book all together.

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You’ll have to meet in the middle. I understand both sides of this because I’ve been in both situations. I use to live with a partner who wouldn’t stop talking to me and interacting with me right when I’d walk in the door and I mentally needed to decompress froM the day. I’m a Sahm now and miss having adult convos and being treated like I’m an interesting human with a life. Tell him you need this and he needs that so you both need to compromise. Give him a 30 min or so to come home and decompress and then focus on you.

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I get this way when I first wake up, so I somewhat understand him. Do you give him a few minutes to just breathe a moment and unwind? He’s expressed he needs a breather. You need to learn to work with him just as much as he needs to work with you.

Give him his breather and then he can give you attention or give you your breather.

There are plenty of times while home with kids where a SAHP can get a moment.

If still he ignores you then you need to see if you’re willing to deal with it or move on.

Does he say hi when he comes home or completely ignores you? He may need a few to take a shower or just rest his head and body. Depends how long this lasts for. Why not give the kids something to keep them busy and then just sit with him for a few mins and unwind together?