My husband and I have been married for 6 months and were together for 2 years prior. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship and I have 1. I just found out that he was married to the mother of his children. While I am fully aware he had a life before me, as did I before him, he intentionally hid and lied to me about being married before. I’m angry and hurt, I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust or believe anything moving forward. I don’t care that he was married before it’s more the lying part. I feel stupid and like I was made the fool. I feel like our marriage is based on a lie and makes me question what else he has been lying about. Part of me feels like I need to get over it and the other part of me doesn’t know how I can move on. Advice??
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband lied about being married before: Advice?
if he can lie about something like that, which makes no sense. then it makes you wonder what else he has or would lie about.
He had to produce a divorce decree in order to get marriage license
You use to have to list it on your marriage license. Do they not ask that question anymore?
I just don’t understand why he would lie about that?! It would make me wonder what else he’s lying about b/c that is something that is so easy to fact check
You need to check if your marriage is now even valid. Usually you are required to produce your divorce decree when getting married again.
Did you ask specifically if he was married to the mother of his children
If you don’t know a person’s history then you don’t really know that person. Our history is what makes us today. Counseling may help.
Secrets secrets are no fun. Secrets secret hurt someone.
When you get married you put on the certificate how many times you where married before.
When I got remarried I had to provide proof that I was divorced before. So I guess pay attention. Tho yes lying sucks
You can annull your marriage in the first year lol
I would be suspicious of anything he says that is tough one ……did he specifically lie or did you not ask
Get over it. You are making a moutain out of a mole hill. Past is past, has nothing to do with you.
Maybe try sitting down and asking him why he didn’t tell u? Maybe he was embarrassed of the marriage or it was insanely toxic for him and he just wanted to pretend like it didn’t happen. Or maybe it was so short of a marriage he doesn’t really consider it to have been married.
Communication here is important to figure out why he lied.
I went through the exact same thing. I was furious and just about called it quits. He lied at the beginning of our relationship, and then I found the truth when we moved in together down the road and saw his tax info. He stated just being embarrassed and that’s why he lied. He’s lied about other things too but for the most part, we got past everything and are doing really well now (no lies). I think it depends on where your relationship is at and how much work you want to put in going forward.
I would be worried about what else he’s lied/will lie about. Have you had a conversation about if he’d been married before and he said no he hasn’t and now you found out he has or has it never come up maybe he was worried you’d see him differently if you knew he’d been married before and didn’t want to say anything. I fell like if he just didn’t tell me I’d feel hurt for a bit but I’d get over it but if the conversation had come up before and he said no he hadn’t now you find out he has been then I’d find it an issue
My first question would be WHY did he lie?
Many people have been married, divorced and remarried, so my issue, along with the lying, would be why he lied.
Man this group is full of toxic advice from people not qualified at all to give it. 
Did you ask if he was married before? I mean if he’s got previous children you would assume when y’all started dating someone would of asked about previous marriages. If not there was not much communication on that part. But if you did ask and he straight up said no then ask why he lied about it……
I’m confused. Why do you care? Why does it matter?
I dated a man for two years. We had a long distance relationship for a year of that time. We got engaged after a year and a half. While we were dating I had a gut feeling he’d cheated and I asked him repeatedly over the course of a year if he’d cheated. It was always no. We get married. THE DAY AFTER I MARRIED HIM he told me he had in fact cheated for over six months and that I was right. I never forgave. I felt tricked and fooled. I resented him our whole marriage. It only lasted a few years after that. You have every right to feel the way you do. In my case I could never move past it and leaving him was the best thing I’ve ever done for me.
Why did he lie…ask him.Go from there.
Therapy people that lie like that have a mental sickness and will keep telling stories
You asked if he was married, or was it never asked and assumed he would tell you?
I’m confused, when you get married you have to fill out the paperwork and if someone was previously married that has to be put on that paper work if not then your marriage is fraudulent and is invalid due to missing information
This lie needs to be deeply discussed & explore whether or not there are additional secrets. Find a marriage counselor or therapist see them solo/jointly. Also does he have close family members/friends that hid this information too? Serious stuff.
What else is he lying about? Because lying about big things means you lie about little things.
Didn’t u see that listed on your marriage liecnse???
So why didn’t he tell you? Have you asked him? When you guys got together did you flat out ask him if he’s been married?
How did you not know though ? You never talked to his family? His kids ? His ex? There’s no photos ? Nothing at all? I’m wondering why he would feel the need to keep it a secret. It’s weird
Either way, omission of truths is definitely a problem.
What did he say when addressed on this topic? I was careful to not use the word confronted.
I get being mad he lied, but this isn’t that serious. Unless the issue of lying is a continuous thing with him, 1 lie isn’t the end of the world. Try talking to him about it if knowing really makes you feel better, otherwise let it go.
That’s a very weird thing to lie about…I’d be wondering what else he’s lying about
How did you just find out that he was married when you have to show divorce papers when you get married so how did you just find out lies
Did you ask him why he didn’t tell you? Don’t sweat the small stuff, but keep alert for more lies.
Not sure why he lied about being married before, but I sure hope he’s legally divorced now. Because if he isn’t, then you guys aren’t legally married.
Sooo not everyone looks up their person on ODCR when they first start dating…???
I’ve never lied to my fiancé. However, I was super nervous to tell him I was previously married. I’d had toxic men in my past insinuate that I was a “risk” “less than” “washed up” because I’d already been divorced. Thankfully, I made the decision to open up & share all of those feelings from the start. I’m not justifying your husband’s actions, I understand why you’re upset, but it’s definitely possible the reason wasn’t what you think it was. Talk to him, look at it from his perspective, ask him if he has anything else to share, have a conversation about your expectations/honesty (even if it’ll hurt me, I need to know the truth or this won’t work), seek marital counseling if you think you need too, and work through it. Of course if your gut is telling you there’s a larger issue, you’ll have to make another decision. Best of luck.
Lies, lies, lies, turn into bigger lies. Make sure he didn’t have a sex change…
Question. Because I knew my first husband had never been married but my aunt called saying she looked him up and it showed he had been through divorce court. Come to find out it was custody but it was listed as marriage/divorce…I had to look deeper…is it similar or did you see an actual marriage certificate?
Maybe he didn’t tell you because some people don’t want to talk about their pasts so kinda overreacting maybe it was horrible marriage you don’t know
How did you not know he was married before? When I got married we had to list our previous marriages
What else does he lie about
That’s a pretty big lie so I would be feeling the same way. He betrayed you by lying about this for so long. It would be hard to trust him definitely.
You didn’t do a deep dive on his past before you started dating? I’m be single forever… cause these red flags fricking scream at me
You bed to find out if he’s truly divorced! My friend went through this and went to get her military ID WITH her ‘husband’ that’s when she found out. Make sure he’s actually divorced.
I feel as if there is that big of a lie then there is more. My husband and I were both in miserable relationships/marriages prior to dating and eventually getting married but date #1 at our age we vowed to be completely honest because wth is the point otherwise. We just celebrated 7 years together and our 5 year wedding anniversary. If we argue 3x a year, that’s a lot. Communication and honesty at all times is key.
What difference does it make !!
TALK to him about this - try to be calm when doing so … maybe there was a reason for it - - did he lie about having children as well? if not , it COULD be , his X is a horror show ,and he hoped you would never meet- - or , who knows why he lied , but now that you DO know , talk to him about it . you SAID you don’t care that she exists , just that he lied about it - i would be concerned too , but would give him a chance to tell you why … maybe you can forgive this … but u won’t be able to, unless you KNOW WHY
If hes going to lie about something like that he’d probably lie about a bunch of different s***. I honestly don’t see why you would be a big deal to tell somebody that you’ve been married whether it was a good marriage or a bad marriage
Yeah have to show divorce paperwork to get a new marriage lisc (atleast in my state) not sure how you wouldn’t find out
Maybe he was afraid of your reaction , or did not know how to tell you. Maybe too painful. If you are happy , don’t dwell on it. However , talk to him and find out why. Communication is the key.
How would you not know to get your marriage certificate if you’ve been married before you have to bring your divorce paperwork from your previous marriage also it shows what number marriage this is for you on your certificate. So honestly I don’t believe this lady didn’t know. J.s
Did he out right lie about it and say no he was never married before or did he just not tell you because it never came up before? When you get married you have to state when applying for a marriage license if you have been married before did you not see it? Maybe it wasn’t a good marriage and he just doesn’t like to think about or aknowledge it, or maybe it was a nasty divorce and he doesn’t like talking about it. Maybe you should sit him down and talk to him about why he never mentioned it and explain how it makes you feel. I mean yea I would kinda be irritated but it’s not something I would throw my marriage away over. Maybe you guys would benefit from couples counseling.
What is OCDR please?
My first husband did sort of the same thing. He never told me that he was married before and come to find out… was still married. He hadn’t been with her in a couple years but they never actually got a divorce so… we had to wait on a divorce before we got married. If I had to do it over again I would NOT have gotten married. It started bad and ended bad because that wasn’t the only thing he kept to himself. The whole marriage was a mess.
Did he tell you he wasn’t married before ? If not then he didn’t actually lie about it he just never mentioned it … witch is also not right but there’s a difference…
Ummmm. I’m struggling to see how you didn’t know. I did a whole background check on my now husband. Maybe I’m weird. Or maybe I’m just smart but I found out everything about my husband before we got married.
A few questions…
- Did he flat out say “I’ve never been married before” or did he just not say I’ve been married? The first is a lie. The second could be considered an omission which is often a form of lying but it might not really have been intentional on his part. He may have just thought you’d make the connection.
- How did you find out? Was it from someone else? Was it something online (where others have mentioned custody cases can be listed as divorce court)
- Have you talked to him about this? That’s really where you need to start in trying to figure out where to go.
Advice.
Talk to your husband about it. Be open with your communication.
All the people saying they ask before you get married.
Maybe he said “no” on that.
I also don’t remember being asked.
All the ones assuming she didn’t ask. There are a few holes in the post. So we just can’t assume. And most people post and then never comment again. I’m pretty sure she asked tho.
To the one that said get over it. Rude. But whatever. People can have kids and NOT get married 
To the ones that asked why does it matter. Ummm why wouldn’t it matter? He lied to her about something major. Marriage is major. Why hide it? Was there abuse? Was it deeper? It’s a big deal.
If he would lie about this. There’s no telling what else he has or will lie about
It could have been that the marriage was traumatic for him. Leaving out the detail that they were married could have made talking about it bearable for him. Not making excuses just playing devils advocate
Not sure how you didn’t know when that’s a question asked on the application for a marriage license. So either you simply call him your husband or it’s a spiritual marriage.
If you can’t get over it than leave him. There’s not point in staying.
Or maybe he just assumed you knew since he had kids, I mean I know not everyone that has kids was married but that sounds like something you’d talk about.
Unless you just never outright asked?
If you asked and he outright lied that would be a problem, but if it was never outright asked he didn’t lie you just both made assumptions and you know what that leads to.
That’s a really weird thing to lie about, especially, since you could easily find out he was. Your feelings are valid, maybe spend some time apart so he knows lying is not something you’re going to tolerate.
Also, did he not put that he was married before on his marriage application? If he lied that might make it invalid.
Why do men lie about the most stupid things! He had kids I think he could have talked to you about this and you planned a wedding together… don’t you think he would be like relating the experience with what he wanted or didn’t want for the send? Plenty of times to bring it up
So first of all, we kind of need to know the context of the conversation where you say he lied. Was it a complete lie? Second of all maybe he was afraid you’d think he doesn’t stay married long. Or afraid that you’d just the divorce in his past. Third, I’d have a conversation with him and see how he reacts when caught, that will give you an insight on his behavior when you bring up things in the future. But idk how you got married without him knowing. I had to turn in my divorce records to get married
My ex step dad did that to my mom. He turned out to be a horrible person in the end. In my opinion run far and fast!
If he lied on your paperwork y’all probably arent married…that’s illegal and is he still married to her… was it just ceremonial or a actual wedding with paperwork
Could have been a shotgun marriage, could have been forced. Could be one that wasn’t legal. This is your life together now and what you make of it. His previous life and lies to deny are only his demons. If something happens in your life together then I would question his loyalty and trust
Did you ask if he was married before 
There are more skeletons in his closet FO SHO GIRL!!!
Who cares if he was married before?
How did you find out he was married? I could’ve been a common law marriage. Or if you heard from other people then it could’ve been assumed they were married because of the kids but they weren’t legally married.
It’s OK to feel how you are. 
A lie is a lie , he should have up front and just told her , with him keeping silent it’s still a lie. She already said she could have dealt with the marriage part it’s the lie or him just leaving it out that bothers her. Yes he has kids yet most people don’t get married these days to have children, he should have told her right away . Wonder if she ever seen the divorce papers.
Y’all need to have a long serious talk with some counseling probably. Did he never tell you or did he lie ?
I would try to find out the motivation in the lie….and since you’ve been married already I would go to counseling
Your marriage is based on your relationship not the past. It’s a small point Just make sure he is divorced.
How would you not know, when you got married you would have needed his divorce papers to get married??? When you booked the registar? When you had to show your papers ie birth certs and you would have been asked at your meeting if any of you were married before
I really don’t understand why he would lie about that. I’d be untrusting too. Heck I would probably get a divorce. My husband lied to me one time about something stupid and I haven’t forgotten and it still bothers me. 6 years later
Breathe. The lie is definitely concerning. Making yourself feel like a fool is unnecessary. You were lied to , not foolish. Sit down and have a calm, unemotional conversation so you can find out why he felt the need to lie to you. Was he still married when you met? What was the purpose. Then decide if this lie is a dealbreaker. If it’s not, consider counseling together so you can move forward.
This would personally make me consider leaving for the reason you just listed - I won’t risk years of my life to somwone who works harder to lie about their life
Why did he feel it was necessary to lie about it? That would be my question!
I feel like the lie was based on a reason and that would be more of my concern and then work on the fact that a lie is a lie no matter what
Obviously you knew of his kids mom so…
Maybe he felt like his first marriage was based on a lie and is/was ashamed or embarrassed of it.
This is not a major issue to dwell on. You know now move forward. If life is good then definitely don’t make something out of nothing.
When you apply for a marriage license, you habe to prove you’re divorced if you were married before … did you not go together?
If they lie its hard to trust them
Start over or get used to it.
Just ask him why he lied about it. Jesus. Communicate instead of running to my life is ruined. Noone is perfect.
I’m confused because don’t you have to show Proof of prior marriages when you get your marriage License
Good for him for stepping up and marrying the mother of his two prior children. I would think less of him if he had not stepped up. As should you.
Move forward towards a healthy happy life and let it go. Life is way to short to waste .
How didnt you know when you applied for the marriage license? It literally asks you? I would just move forward and maybe try counseling
It’s pretty valid to feel like it’s hard to trust him now. Like you said, it’s more about him lying about something so major. I’d consider his reason could be way more innocent than you feel it is. Find out that reason and maybe it’ll help you trust him again sooner. He is going to have to repair your trust though bc he made a decision to lie. It doesn’t mean you hold it over him, but when you have doubts about something then he should be understanding that his lying impacted you as it would anyone who’s actually in your relationship. I bet half these people telling you to get over it would be just as bothered
It was probably because of shame that he lied. I don’t talk much about some of my previous relationships because I’m embarrassed that I was so stupid. If he’s been a good husband till now forgive and tell him he better come clean if there are any more “biggies” that he hasn’t told you about.
Ask him straight up if he’s hiding something else from you because tbh, I’d feel the same as you and wouldn’t be able to move on.