QUESTION:
“My husband just started a new job about a month ago, 3rd shift 11 pm-7 am. He comes home and goes straight to bed about 8 am and will literally stay in bed until 9 pm when he needs to start getting ready to leave again—only coming out of the bedroom long enough to get a drink and a bite to eat. We have been together for ten years and have three kids together, and we have really been struggling with our relationship lately. Well, I told him that staying in bed for 12+ hours a day and not helping with kids or anything else around the house is really starting to bother me. And asked him if he could start getting up around 5ish to come and be an active member of the family again. And the responses I got from him were, “I go to work, come home and sleep and you still find something to bitch about” & “well, if it bothers you so bad, why don’t you just kick me out already and do us both a favor” Idk I’m just really hurt by this… he doesn’t understand why him “sleeping” bothers me so much. And I know he NEEDS to sleep but for 12 hours? Am I overreacting?”
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“Nightshift is different than day shift. He definitely needs more sleep than a working day. And working nights totally screws your body. Let him work and sleep.”
“Took my hubby and me years to figure out a perfect timeframe for him to be at work where he has enough time for sleep and family. It’s a hard task. Time together is important, and I know this may sound harsh, but it’s the time together you are craving, not help with the kids. The best thing I could recommend is to just let him know you miss him, don’t nag him about helping out. All it’s going to do is upset you both and cause unnecessary strain. He’s probably of the belief he is doing all he can and working hard to support you guys. And remember, as time passes, the kids will be less demanding over time. The best way to look at any situation in a relationship is You guys against the problem, not against each other. You both have the same goal.”
“Yes you have a right to be upset. I worked nights. 11p to 7a and got up at 3 pm every day to get my kids off the bus and make dinner and spend time with my family. Then I would take an hour nap at 8 gets up at 9 for bedtime tuck-ins and get ready for work. He’s perfectly capable of making a schedule with sleep and family time.”
“To answer the question, no your feelings are completely valid. If he would have said something like I’m struggling to adjust and I need more rest or I’m having a hard time right now and hurting then fine. Saying to kick him out sounds like he wants to leave but doesn’t have the guts to say so and wants you to be the bad guy. He need to be an adult and say what he is feeling and what he wants to happen. I worked 7p to 7a with a newborn, it’s hell and the adjustment period can be brutal but that is no excuse to make those types of comments. If it is affecting your mood to the point where you want to leave your family and feel comfortable enough telling your partner to leave you the problem goes way beyond the job.”
“Having kids and being a present parent and working third shift just doesn’t go together. The third shift isn’t for the weak that’s for sure. I know from experience and it’s hard and mentally and physically exhausting. I worked 3rd for years and at one point worked 1st & 3rd full time at both jobs. It’s hard as hell and really takes a toll on you. Hopefully, he can eventually adjust or find another job. Be patient.”
“He’s saying those things probably because he’s exhausted. The night shift does wear on you. Everyone who works night shift gets extremely tired because they don’t sleep at normal hours and it’s more tiring to be awake at those weird hours. My husband slept like that too. Don’t over react and be mad at him for being tired. You either get a man who works hard or a lazy one who doesn’t. You choose.”
“Third shift is very hard on a person. Not all can do it honestly. He definitely will need time. Right now his mind and body are messing with him because it’s a completely opposite schedule and so when he tries to sleep during the day he most likely isn’t getting the deep sleep there’s so much noise during the day time too. He’s going to be tired his internal clock is making a huge adjustment. If this is what your family decided to do for his job then you are going to have to just be patient with him for a while. Plus the days off day time he’ll need sleep too. Third shift takes a hard toll on a person.”
“If he’s new to night shifts this is the norm. They seriously mess with sleeping patterns and can make you feel so so drained. It takes a while to get used to and even then it is still exhausting. OK I never slept 12 hours after one but that’s because of the way our family set up is and because I’ve never been a good sleeper. If the option was there I’d have taken it!”
“The do us both a favor seems like maybe he purposely is avoiding you and the family and is maybe checked out of the marriage already.”
“I don’t think that “sleeping” is part of the problem. There are obvious relationship issues going on aside from him using sleep to
avoid you. That aside I will say graveyard shifts are super hard on the mind and body so he may be having a hard time adjusting to this change.”
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