SAHM question…. My husband and I recently got into a small argument over the way I treated him while he wasn’t feeling well last night. I use a credit card that has his name on it for all family purchases, groceries pretty much anything I, him or the kids need. He locked the card so I could no longer use it and said he will be keeping it locked. We have two kids and I’m currently pregnant. Thoughts? Advice?
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I don’t care how “you treated him”… locking you out of finances is narcissistic, emotional and financial abuse.
If you are comfortable bring this to his attention in a respectful manner. Something like, “I am sorry you felt disrespected yesterday. Can you explain what happened that made you feel this way”. If his assessment is fair (he had a right to feel disrespected even if you didn’t mean to) then apologize! If not look at your history, is this typical behavior from him? When this is resolved, if appropriate, begin a conversation about how his reaction (locking you out) had made you feel disrespected and fearful.
Note: If this is repeat behavior of abuse RUN! Contact your local womens shelter and they will support you to get the legal assistance you will needIt will NOT get better!
Financial abuse is still abuse. I’d start talking to Domestic violence advocates. You may be surprised what other abuse he does that you’ve become complacent with and they can help you get out of it. Usually controlling partners don’t want to change their ways and will want to keep you from those that see their behavior as toxic. If he unlocks it I would suggest taking out a little cash here and there and put it aside so you can use it as a getaway fund. You need an escape plan. Look into places you can go stay as you build you’re life back up. Partners don’t do this to each other. Idc.
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Give him the shopping list
Form of abuse and control. Regardless of the argument of who treated who whatever which way, it’s definitely not the answer. When you’re quite literally isolated from every day needs WITH the kids. He needs to pull his head in and sort out his feelings or leave. Not ok.
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Give him the shopping list.
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This is her side of the story. I feel like there’s way more to this than she’s saying.
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This is abuse. Call a shelter. Talk to lawyers. If you can rely on family now is the time to do it. And do nothing for him moving forward. Your only job is looking out for the kids.
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Financial abuse. Cohersive control , call it what you will it’s all abuse. Have proper think about your future together.
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I’d be filing for divorce. Keep record of the fact he’s financially abusing you as well, he’ll be liable for alimony and child support. That’s financial abuse and if he sees he can control you in this way, he will likely start other forms of abuse for more control… what he did is disgusting.
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This is why I’d never allow someone have control over money or me
does one thing and out come the torches pitchforks for divorce jeez let em cool off he’ll turn it back on I’ve seen this before and sometimes its warranted just talk it out and be good to each other no reason to call it quits already.
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Yeah, that’s only gonna get worse.
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You guys have 2 kids and one on the way so clearly yall have been together awhile. Why is “his” credit card the only access to money that you have. Being a SAHM means you guys agree that he works outside of the home and you work in it. It has to be a mutual decision in which both parties understand and agree that he is financially responsible for the family and you are responsible for taking care of the children. So why is he the only one with access to “yalls” finances?? The money he earns is both your money when its agreed that you will be a sahm. If he decides to not follow through with his responsibilities, then he is responsible for half the child care if you go back to work. Marriage is a partnership that both of you need to consider the other one when speaking or making decisions.
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What an a$$ …. not taking sides on this, but that is way beyond what you deserve after a ‘small argument’ …. doesn’t matter who is at fault for the argument… to try to control spending for your children & family is abusing his sense of power over you 
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this is financial abuse … please take your kids and leave him! also , make sure you do not let him see the kids at all … if he can keep money and things from you and the kids with you around , who knows what he will do to the kids if your not around
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This is very much financial abuse and it’ll only get worse.
I know as a sahm you may not be able to leave right away… my advice is to play nice… but start stashing money in an acct he doesn’t know about with a trusted friend or family member. Cash back every time you go to the store, or even purchasing gift cards when you go to the store. It adds up quick. In the mean time make a plan… contact a shelter, a trusted friend/family. But this is something that is very telling of abuse to come.
I say this from experience. Get out while you can 
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Sounds like you ignored alot of red flags…single mom may be in your future.
It’s time to look for a divorce lawyer. It’s a horrible sign of control and it’s not funny at al
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Whatever his excuse this is abuse even if you abused him first this relationship isn’t going to work if you don’t make amends immediately.
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And now I’d do 2 things, Plan my exit & text him lists to shop for. 
School stuff? He can buy it.
That said, you’re married, you can access bank accts with a marriage license.
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Are you able to use cash??
So…this is financial abuse. Obviously.
Would you want your children in a relationship with a spouse that treated THEM like this?
The answer to that question will determine the rest of your children’s life AND relationships so answer wisely 
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No cooking, no cleaning, no anything from you. What a baby! He just made his chore list even longer 
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We are hearing 1 side only.
If he’s given you no other financial alternative, then that’s financial abuse and you need to leave.
If it’s because you’ve been spending too much on crap, then lesson learnt and he will no doubt give you access again soon.
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He thinks he can control you. That’s not how this works. What you need to do is contact the lawyer have him draw up divorce papers.
with the full intent that he will either unlock that card immediately and make sure that you are a fully authorized user or sign the papers and walk with the kiddos financial abuse is nothing to joke about
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Is the card in your name like are you an authorized user ?
That’s financial abuse. It’s not healthy.
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This is financial abuse ,serious red flag
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Get out now take him for child support
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I say there’s more to this story. maybe you are overspending and if that’s the case, it’s not financial abuse.
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Why i have never relied on a man even marries or not always have a back up plan.
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Financial abuse. Get support from a women’s aid organisation.
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This is called financial abuse. It’s not okay that he’s doing it to you and it’s even more not okay that he’s doing it to his children. He’s using it to control you because you probably didn’t cave to some childish demand.
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Whether he’s doing it as financial abuse or just being petty, I’d give it right back to him. I’d lay a pack of ramen on the table, tell him there’s his supper since he won’t allow you funds to get the groceries, and I’d go sit on my pregnant ass & when he had the nerve to say anything, I’d tell him to go pay someone to do all the cooking and cleaning since he wants to control the money so much.
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Treat people the way you want to be treated, you don’t get to belittle someone because they don’t feel good . You are both wrong however he does not have to give you access to HIS credit cards . He can also file fraud charges because the card is in his name not yours. You need your own card and your own money. Start working at night or on weekends.
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I’m a SAHM. My kids go to school all day. If my husband locked my means of paying for food, gas, or anything… I’m gone. My husband and I have had disagreements and we’ve had serious arguments to the point of not being around each other for a few hours to a day or so. He would never lock the card I use to feed our children.
Your husband locking that card is financial abuse. 100% there are no if ands or buts about it.
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I’d be gone no one control me or my kids in that way
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Get a lawyer that’s financial abuse, get into therapy, see if he’ll go talk to someone. If you are with a church please pull someone in with you and your marriage. For couples counseling. And care for yourself during the transition. Guidance. Praying for you.
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He can do all the shopping. … also probably should treat people the way you want to be treated. Not saying he was right but neither are you
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He’s a ashole! Comes to mind…tell him he needs to provide for his children…
Start taking his debit card while he’s sleeping, and start pulling small amounts of cash out over a period of time & OPEN YOUR OWN ACCOUNT!!! It’s so important!!! If he decided to leave you, you would be screwed- doing this over time would give you some security. This is financial abuse; one of the biggest forms of manipulation (especially for a stay at home mom) & it’s keeps you 100% reliant on him. If things are bad to that extent all the time, (ESPECIALLY with kids & while pregnant when you all need things) please consider the pros/ cons of divorcing & filing for spousal & child support. You would have to start working though.
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That’s how abuse started with my ex, he would do all shopping and then he didn’t liked what I would cook. But I was cooking whatever he was bringing. He started throwing dinners on the flour and leaving to eat outside almost every night
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Open a card in your own name…
Absolutely not. That’s financial abuse. Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. He’s being a controlling jerk. He can take care of ALL the family’s needs be it groceries, copays at the doctor which will require him leaving work, etc… All the extras moms take care of. If it were me I’d get my important paperwork and the children’s together as well as any other resources you can access. Create an exit plan. Contact trusted family/friends and tell them you need help. No way I would stay with a man that tried to control me like that. Was a SAHM for many years raising our 4 kids. My husband was gone for work A LOT. He would’ve come home to an empty house if he had pulled this.
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That’s financial abuse. Seek help from a domestic abuse shelter and get out while you can.
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Don’t let the trolls on here scare you, they are the ones who are so unlikeable in real life they hide behind their keyboards to intimidate women, when in reality its they who are scared of women, probably have penile dysfunction.
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Stop cooking his meals and washing his clothes. He gets to do all the food shopping now to. lol
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That’s financial abuse. I would divorce his ass. Especially if you are in an alimony state. Plus child support that will of course have to cover atleast half of child care and food/clothing for the kids. He will be wishing he wasn’t such a POS controlling narcissist. 
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Nope definitely not to be tolerated…. I’d be see u effing later buddy…
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It’s his card. Get your own card and stop depending on him.
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Financial abuse is domestic abuse
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All the comments on here, saying financial abuse, we don’t know what she is spending money on…what she calls what she needs…she may be a shopaholic , spending them into massive debt…SO THERE!!!
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Everyone is saying financial abuse but we don’t know his side. Maybe she blows his money or maybe she’s abusive to him via how she treated him while he wasn’t feeling good there is always 3 sides to every story.
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I guess it depends if you are just spending all the money on things you don’t need or if it’s going towards bills etc, because if you are wasting all the $$ on the card on non necessities, I’d probably be annoyed too. But if he is being a moron and does this often then leave before it gets worse.
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Call his Mama… And hopefully she will knock some sense into him before he loses his wife and kids.
Oh hell no. It would be a see ya from me.
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It’s financial abuse. Contact a legal aid attorney and take your kids to a shelter.
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That’s called financial abuse
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That is actually considered financial abuse and control. That is not okay cause you use that for groceries. He is actually hurting his own kids by doing so as well as you.
Learn to live within your means 
#feminism #girlmath
OMG it’s a credit card not the rest of the funds. He looked at you funny is it ocular abuse??? Gtfoh we don’t know the whole story
There’s either a lot more to the story and to the “small argument” or he’s a piece of shit.
Then let him do all the shopping taking care of the kids
You better go now why you got a chance baby on the way man he’s if he’s locking the credit card up on you and on his own kids man he can only imagine what he’s going to lock up next your house your car you better go I’m giving you fear worrying right now if I’ve been around the block and back then for a singles and crackers I got three kids are actually three grown kids they’re 28 26 and 22 runway you can get going like in run with that credit card so nobody gets it cut it up and nobody gets it nobody locked up on everybody hahaha tell him hey f****** cut it up to pieces tell him nobody gets f****** hard now laugh at them cut it up the pieces and tell me f*** you you like f****** tired now it’s f****** cut up card like Cardinals cut up card no we can use it so haha do you remember your numbers I do I tell him I remember the numbers just like the EBT card and the code and everything so did you remember the codes after I cut it up so it was locked out now but maybe just you all right good luck with that one f*** I’d be flipping tripping specially praying and stuff I need me somewhat but you need some cravings and ice cream and yeah kids need some new shoes and yeah mama needs a new pair of underwear and LOL
Okay if he wants to lock the card just let him know than he will need to do the shopping. But going forward I wouldn’t tolerate that not at all!! That isn’t right at all!
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He seems to just being petty, once he realizes he will have to run all the errands, like the grocery store and stuff on top of working all day, he will unlock it. I would not cook or clean either. I would leave it all up to him. He will get tired of it quickly. Also, you should do something to bring in some income for your self like working from home. I watch children from my home for extra income so i have my own money when needed. Some men like to think just because you stay home with the children that you dont do shit and they have all the power because they “make all the money”
My Daddy gave me some exceptional advice when I was growing up. The first one I’ll mention was when I got my first job. He told me that starting with my first paycheck to pay myself first. He meant for me to start a savings account in my name and I did. Another gem was when I married to always have a separate savings account and a separate checking account in my name for my personal use. I’ve done both.
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It’s a credit card that isn’t in your name so no he doesn’t have to give it to you!
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That can’t be the 1st red flag with this credit card. If you really soul search deep within yourself and stop ignoring his controlling ways…you would have left him already…it will only get worse…he will not change, but you can. It’s about you and your children…not him.
Start now making decisions for your financial future… this is a wake up call.
Uuummmm completely immature. Esp if it’s used for those things and NOT wants. No matter how mad you are at the other, never include your children unless there is physical or mental abuse. He takes therapy to learn how to control his emotions or Divorce. 
I definitely would not jump straight to divorce, that seems to be the answer for any problem when someone asks for advice. But regardless of the details and who did what, this is not okay. There’s many ways to handle adult issues… he needs to realize this is not one of them. It works both ways, naturally… meaning both of you have to be mature in finding solutions to problems that are without a doubt going to arise from time to time no matter how “perfect” a marriage is. To continue the relationship he would have to fully grasp that this won’t be happening again. If this is a one time kind of thing …talk to him. His response will tell you everything you need to know. If withholding things or “punishments” become a pattern, then it’s time to consider divorce. Mistakes happen. But if this is just who he is, its time to go.
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You will cease buying groceries or anything he or the kids need. Clearly he wants that responsibility for himself. Whilst this is abuse I expect it’s most likely he’s feeling petty after your argument. You could invoice him for childcare etc as well. If he genuinely is doing this for the long haul then you need to tell him it’s abuse and you will be seeking a divorce.
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Well let him know he can do all the grocery shopping, cooking, and things from now on. If the kids need something he’ll have to go get it. More chores for him.
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I may be wrong but I feel like there may be more to the story then we know
That’s the very definition of financial abuse.
Abuse is abuse.
Have serious talk with him about it and if it doesn’t change I’d be leaving. Will only continue to escalate.
Either get your own account or leave him to do pl the shopping
Get your own credit card?
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This is the beginning of the end. This is not partnership.
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That is financial and emotional abuse.
I feel like there is more to this story. By the sounds of it the husband worked his guts out, came down not feeling well and just wanted some support. Which you know as the sole bread maker of the family that would be a slap in the face to me. I have done both jobs. Honestly you could have just helped your husband out as he was clearly asking for it. 
Unpopular opinion but if you had time to argue about it then you had time to quickly help him out. He was sick not being a princess.
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Get a new one. Credit card or Husband. 
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If this was the first time anything like this has ever happened and he was sick during the process I would give him a minute to undo what he did. Maybe he was mad because he wasn’t feeling well and you didn’t seem to care so his feelings got hurt. Seeing as how you already have 2 kids with a 3rd on the way I’m assuming you got along before this incident. But we would definitely have a conversation about what was going on and how to fix it going forward.
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Run… And run fast that is abuse and power and control… Momma run
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Sounds like you may have spent too much money??? We don’t know the reasons behind this, especially if he is the only one who works in the household. Most men do have reasons for their actions. These days you can’t just spend recklessly. But then there are men who are just controlling in that way. Did he say WHY he did this??? I would start with him. I would explain at this time I can’t work because I am pregnant/ if needed I could work but that comes with childcare expenses 
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Why a credit card? … I’m not sure exactly how it works but I’ll tell you a judge isn’t going to agree with him. He is the only income in the house and (obviously) agreed for her to be a SAHM so right there he agreed to take care of the family.
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That’s Called Financial Abuse , leave and file for divorce and take the kid’s and fined your happiness without him .I’m so sorry your going through this 
This is why relying on anyone for financial support is a horrific idea. They completely control you then. If you don’t have your own funds to live off, you better fix the situation with him.
It’s his credit card is she paying the bill for the items she buys with this credit card or just using the money expecting him to pay the bill. I would think that’s abuse since that’s how everyone wants to talk , doesn’t matter if your a SAHM been there done that had my own income to pay for the things the children need.
YAll are a bunch of mindless whoseits me snowflakes, especially the woman gaining up on the men, they provide but when you start abusing them yeah I’d cut you from my credit card too.
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Pretty sure that’s called financial abuse.
That’s literally a form of control my children’s dad did this alot and would take the car from me I ended up leaving him with the house the car, and took my kids and filed 50/50. Lived with my parents for 2 years, got my brand new house, and car, and financially stable and now he lives with his parents.
I’m not a child. Nor shall I be treated like one.
Karma did him good
6 years later and he still tries to control every little thing with our kids.
That is illegal. Grounds for legitimate divorce. Girl call the company and fix it, you are the wife. YOU HOLD SOOO MUCH POWER. All you need to know is the last 4 digits of his social.
There’s not enough information.
- Is this the only access to any money that you have? Or is this just what you prefer?
- Do you know what the limit on the card is, how much has been spent, and paid?
- how did you find out it was locked?
4)what exactly did the argument entail?
You said he feels like you’ve treated him badly…so I’m wondering what exactly was said by both you and him? This is an extreme reaction but honestly there’s a few things my husband could say that I’d lock ours too not as a ‘punishment’ but as a form of protecting myself.
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It’s in his name and his paying it maybe she’s over spending this might not be nothing to do with control because when the debt is there and she’s gone he will be paying it not her
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Then he can start doing all the shopping and maybe leave his sorry self and call the wabulance:roll_eyes:
Tell him good luck….cuz now after work he has to go grocery shopping and any other running around you may do when he’s not around. Make a big ole list for the store (even if it’s not needed right now and go ahead and make up a few things bye that don’t exist lol). But honestly I wouldn’t put up with it…it’s financial abuse imo…especially if it’s your only means to money. I’m sorry you are going through this, it is no way to treat a person.
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Treat him like a king for a few days he’ll give in!!
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Sounds like you need to sit down and talk.
What was so upsetting to him? How ill was he, and why is his reaction this strong? Why does he feel you weren’t supportive?
Discuss it. Only when you’ve both aired grievances, listened, apologised where necessary, and looked to see what you could do differently in the future, will you be able to find the path forward.
People are too quick to shout “divorce!”. No relationship is without its sticking points, but communication is key. After 29 years, we’ve been through some rough times, but we always come back stronger.
that’s financial abuse sis