My husband of 20 years told me he got his own place: Advice?

My husband and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this summer. 2 weeks ago he told me that he had gotten a place closer to work ( even though we live 25 minutes from his work where he wanted to live) and he wanted space. I was totally blindsided. I thought things were going well. He would kiss me in the morning and before bed and tell me that he loved me. Yes we had some communication issues as he would talk to everyone else before he would talk to me. He has dictated how things are going to be. I finally have family here to help guide me. But I really hope that we can get back together. I love him even though he has done this to me. He is going through a tough time right now with his step-dad not doing very well. I wish I could be there for him

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband of 20 years told me he got his own place: Advice?

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Heā€™s probably got a girlfriend.

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It sounds like he wants a separation. Make a financial agreement before he leaves.

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Some couples do better living alone. I know of 2 married couples that live on their own and spend weekends together and started dating again technically and its helped bring that excitement back.

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I agree he is seeing someone else

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He has someone else. Put a tracker on his car!.. get proofā€¦ file for divorce first! Donā€™t waste your sympathy and love on a man that wants to leave you. Therapy will help too.

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He is prob moved in with a girlfriend

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Sounds like heā€™s seeing someone else .

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Girl no, thereā€™s no excuse as to what heā€™s done. Whether heā€™s going through stuff right now or not. Thatā€™s not a good enough reason to leave your wife of 20yrs. He sounds narcissistic as hell. You are much better off without him and the time apart you will start to see that and see your worth again.

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I would be devastated tho if my spouse got his own place. I wouldnā€™t know to feel. Iā€™d be upset. Hopefully some space will help bring every thing back to normalcy.

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Major red flag - he is slipping away nicely!

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It sounds like he has already made some decisions without you. Getting a whole new place after 20 years isnt a ā€˜first stepā€™, its like he has already moved on. Probably more to his story you dont know about!

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It absolutely sounds like he met someone else, this is usually how it always goes down.

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My guess is he has a mistress

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Thats odd 25 mins isnā€™t that far to work not the best either but not that bad either.

If he living closer to work and you guys are together or is this a separation? I think you gotta ask him some questions and what to do from here.

But it dont sound that great it does sound as I donā€™t wanna jump to he has a gf. But like why else you moving closer to work when you and your family are only 25 mins away. Might save time but now itā€™s more money for extra set of bills

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He is seeing someone else.

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He has a girlfriend .

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He got his own place? Sounds like heā€™s done.

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Work on having your own place too because it sounds like thatā€™s where you will both end up.

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Girlfriend on the side but isnā€™t sure if itā€™s what he wants yet. So he will play both sides. Personal experience here

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Maybe heā€™s confused about himself

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Someone else! Open your eyes

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Sad to say but heā€™s found someone else :disappointed:

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Yeah heā€™s got a gf/someone on the side for sure.

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By byā€¦ he is having an affair

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Give him what he wants, sounds like he has already found someone else wanting to be in separate houses

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He just got his own place and is moving out and blindsided you?
Sounds like he needs to work on his communication skills and you need to hold him accountable for his actions. We are all going through something. We donā€™t just up and find our own place when things are messy.

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Girl your husband has already moved on.

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Sorry, but you seem blind sided to what heā€™s basically made up his mind. This isnā€™t a marriage to go out get a new place living 25 min away and not let your spouse know. Your husband has a GF and wants you as his wife still. Get that situated quick please stop being blind sided to what is really going on.

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You better pop up there unannounced and catch him cheating bc thatā€™s exactly whatā€™s going on

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Yeah, he is leaving you for someone else. You need to seek legal advice.

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Can you just go live in the other house? I would invade. There is no invasive boundaryā€™s in 20 years of commitment. Yā€™all should be close like best friends. I need more infoā€¦ like are you going to this house even to look at it enough.?

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Heā€™s got a girl friend.

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Girl heā€™s cheating on you!! LEAVE HIM!!!

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Sound like he need privacy with his new woman :woman_shrugging:t4:

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It couldnā€™t be me because if he hadnā€™t asked for a divorce yet I would sell the house and live my best life as well.ļæ¼

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Idk. Making decisions without you and dictating how things are just going to be without you being able to process and be a human being is awful! Sounds a little like Stockholm syndrome. I urge you to see your worth and his actions are not loving and diminish you as a person. And if you got back together with him I think you both need some major therapy to have a healthy relationship. To be honest I see none of that happening. Thatā€™s a best case scenario. Reality is he left you and is playing the fence with you. Or maybe heā€™s not ans youā€™re holding on too tight. Idk. He left for a reason and it means youā€™re in the way no matter what that reason is. I suggest building your life without him. Please!

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Ummm no. He found himself a play toy. There is nothing else that makes any sense as to why he would get his own place. Iā€™d start making divorce plans if I were you. You donā€™t leave your family because youā€™re ā€œgoing through thingsā€ā€¦.especially after 20 years.

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Sounds like cheating!!

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guide yourself to an attorney right away

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Iā€™m sorry. If you didnā€™t see this coming? This doesnā€™t happen over night.
and I bet it all started with communication or lack there 0f

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Heā€™s trying to have his cake and eat it too. Big nope from me. ļæ¼

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Get out of it with him. Itā€™s about time you make yourself happy and him pay!!!

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Oh my love, heā€™s got a side piece to put it bluntly.

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He already made up his mind. He has a new place. He has a side piece and wants you too. Best for you to get yourself protected. Legally. Document everything.

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It sounds like he has already checked out. It doesnā€™t sound good. Is he seeing someone else?

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Sweetheart ā€¦ heā€™s given you an out . I would take it . Iā€™ve been married for 22 years and if my husband said to me I have gotten my own apt ā€¦ I would serve him with divorce papers . You need a lawyer. I donā€™t care how hard of a time heā€™s having with his issues ā€¦ heā€™s obviously not talking to you about them & I hate to say this but heā€™s probably found comfort in someone else . I wish you luck .

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20 married years and he springs this on you? That he has a whole house. I love my husband with my soul but he does this and we are going to make it legit. Pack your things please sir and remove yourself from my life. Iā€™m sure you have a garage or a shed or a bathroom this man can ā€œget some spaceā€ in. Just no.

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He has help
Donā€™t be fooled into thinking your the problem
Heā€™s not communicating because itā€™s easier for him to do whatever he wants .

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No excuse! Thatā€™s not a marriage and complete disrespect in regards of not talking to you beforehand. You need to focus on yourself more now and take one day at a time to find your happiness without him. Then, who knows, he might see how bad he screwed up because he sees your happiness and confidence in yourself. Focus on you!

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Sounds like he was living 2 different lives and now heā€™s choosing one life over the other. Most likely has a new gf so he wants his own place to have his privacy. Go get a lawyer and have him served with divorce papers and take both houses from him and sell the house he bought lol

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Another house for another family. Get a lawyer and go on with your life.

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Heā€™s has a side piece or several

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If you feel as though he is confused, going through a lot of turmoil but that there is still love between you, I would ask him to get counseling with you as a couple and individually. Counseling will help you both sort through your feelings and might restore your marriage. I would also seek the advice of a lawyer. I would get recent credit card and bank statements to see if there is something else going on, another woman, a gambling addiction, etc. I wish you both well.

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This was not a decision made lightly! He has planned this without wanting to work things out. Itā€™s sounds like he has someone else.

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How do you not know where his money is going after twenty years? Iā€™d make sure I filed first donā€™t Let Him Dictate how things are going to be His Way Anymore!!
In other words heā€™s abandoned the marriage once he moves outā€¦
Good luck and Enjoy Your New Life without a Hitler if a husband!!

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Heā€™s paved the way for you to be happy and eventually find real love. Donā€™t hold on to someone who has already let go. Youā€™ll hurt more and more in the process.

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Sound like youā€™re making excuses and the writting is on the wall in huge red blinking letters he leftā€¦

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Iā€™m so sorry this is happening to you , id be asking him if he wants a divorce ā€¦ and finding a lawyer to start a fight for divorce for abandonment.

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Stop whining. Get over it and move on

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Definitely he has a girlfriend time to lawyer up

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Heā€™s having an affair

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Sounds like a smash pad

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Girl he went behind your back and got a whole other place to stay. I would be doneā€¦

I am sorry because I am sure that is hard but clearly he is done if heā€™s went to that extent.

Focus on yourself and your own healing. Heā€™s clearly made himself a priority over you or your feelingsā€¦

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Heā€™s having an affair

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These things are so hard to accept sometimes. Just give him the time and space that he needs right nowā€¦ Iā€™ve learned that when someone tells you they want to be alone, believe them. and allow them that rightā€¦ In the meantime, you live without him for a bit and just focus on yourself.:heart::heart::disappointed:

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Oooh heā€™s totally bringing people there!

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Idky people always jump to cheating. Maybe heā€™s just done and either doesnā€™t know it himself yet or is lying to himself. No matter the reason though heā€™s definitely pulling away. I say sit back and see how it plays out. He wants space give it to him. He may actually need space with no one else involved. Lots of people isolate when theyā€™re overwhelmed. When heā€™s had his space though itā€™s definitely time to discuss if the marriage is to be saved or scrapped. I know for me if my husband moved out Iā€™d consider that the signal to go pick up divorce papers. I didnā€™t sign up to not live with my husband.

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That fact that you said, ā€œhe dictates everythingā€. That shouldā€™ve been your red flag hun. Move on.

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If you have joint accounts look into his spending and also getb your own account if heā€™s jumping out of a 30 yr marriage to be with other women you should know whats coming

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He PRE-PLANNED this! Put enough thought into it to get a place. Heā€™s no longer your husband. Tell him to gtfo and go be happy with his new gf. Then you file for divorce and use his money to take yourself on a kick-a$$ vacation.

Itā€™s been 20 years.:woman_facepalming: give him space and time. Doesnā€™t mean he wants or has someone else. All these people are fu(**** dumbā€¦give him time and let him cope with what he needs to do with. Most people do better living in separate houses then togther. Donā€™t listen to all these dumb------

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Donā€™t drag yourself through this. Just get a lawyer and file before he does so it goes more in your favor.

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I would show up to that house and watch whatā€™s happening and go from there be sneaky and get evidence in case he is cheating and then take him to court and destroy him if he is

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The only reason he would have a new place of his own is for entertaining a girlfriend. Soā€¦ā€¦.
Donā€™t allow him to dictate your life. Be your own person. Tell him itā€™s all or nothing.

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Why does everyone jump to cheating and divorce? Like damn do you people have no will power to work on your relationship? My husband and i have been together for a decade and if we were quick to jump to those two things we wouldnā€™t be together with three beautiful kids. Relationships are not always easy and sometimes they require your time, patience, attention and love. Theyā€™ve been together for 20 years I think that deserves a little bit of time and effort before jumping into divorce

Thatā€™s an affair in the works

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Jeez some people can be cruelā€¦ sorry youā€™re going through this. I am a hopeless romanticā€¦ so I will say, 20 years is a long time and I hope you guys can get to stay together! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Unless he is having an affairā€¦ If thatā€™s the case, then get the best lawyer you can and take all of his money :grimacing:

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Move on he may or may not have someone else he may just want his space and to be alone

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Communication is key in a relationship. How else would we know how the other feels. He isnā€™t communicating which means he has no intentions to . Heā€™s not considering your feels whatsoever . Focus on you cause heā€™s gonna focus on him self regardless.

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Heā€™s totally gotten himself a sā‚¬x pad. Donā€™t do the pick me dance because your marriage is already over. Lawyer up and file.

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Communication and comprehension are not the same thing, it may be tough to hear and I know itā€™s not popular to automatically think the worst of the partner but you need to look at what you put into the last 20 yrs have you made compromises, are you dismissive over him do you do self care. Can you validate yourself without being a partner or a pair, do you have hobbies are you interested in his do you practice healthy listening)
It absolutely is healthier to walk away from someone who doesnt want to be with you if you have truly and honestly been a healthy supportive partner

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Ummm, both of you are in the wrong with communication issues. He talked it over with others for insight and advice and now you have family around for guidance. You are both using outside influences when a professional is needed instead. Someone without a dog in the fight, so to speak. He is obviously not a 20-something man. Married for 25 years. Could be a mid life crisis and he needs to figure out who he is at this stage in life and feels some space is needed to focus on himself. Itā€™s hard to focus on yourself with someone ALWAYS there, no privacy and no free time. You say he dictates how things goā€¦ thatā€™s wrong on both of your parts as well. You need to find who you are too!! You cannot accept bad behavior at any level no matter how long you have been a couple. Counselor !!! ASAPā€¦ but first let him have some alone timeā€¦ trust me.

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I donā€™t want to be like the rest and say itā€¦ But chances are, itā€™s 99% the case. You want space? Go for a walk. Worst case scenario, get a hotel for a night and communicate with your wife that you just need some space to think. Getting a whole new place? No. Sounds like heā€™s cheating, and even if heā€™s not, itā€™s pretty selfish of him to totally take a new step without talking to you about it first. Youā€™re supposed to be a team. This is quite opposite of it. Still, I truly think heā€™s having an affair. There are no excuses for that. None. I wish you and your children strength and love. :heart:

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Move on, enjoy your life. Get a good lawyer and protect your interest. Donā€™t let him leave you high and dry.

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There is probably someone else

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Who is living in this apartment with him because something tells me it isnā€™t just him.

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Begin to put your finances in order just in case! Prepare for the worse pray for the bestā€¦ I would find out whatā€™s really going on. Do you have the address? Nobody can tell you what to do but you!!! Have a blunt conversation with himā€¦.Are you seeing someone else?

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Sound like he found somebody elseā€¦ You need to move on and divorce him.

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Heā€™s playing you move on donā€™t waste your time

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He needed a place to play house with someone elseā€¦ jsā€¦

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All yā€™all are saying that he got himself another girl, just because he found a new place for himself. Thatā€™s not always the case. Maybe he wants to have something for the bros, to watch sports and drink or play poker, pool, etc. Deep down he still loves you, He just wants to spend time with his friends or even his stepdad. Donā€™t assume heā€™s cheating, until he gets caught

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Thatā€™s not love Cassidy Mae .

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Did he give you a key to this new apartment? Because 25 minutes from work is normal. So maybe there is another reason for the apartmentā€¦ Especially since he blindsided you with it instead of talking to youā€¦

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That man is breaking away making room for the next person, move on sweetie he left u, donā€™t leave urself by waiting on him to be the Man U deserve

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Move onā€¦ thereā€™s someone else already

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Do you have access to this new apartment? If you donā€™tā€¦he is cheating. Regardless his behavior is not respectful and a red flag. Get a private investigator for any proof of an affair.

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Iā€™m sorry youā€™re going thru that, it can be life changing, no matter the outcomeā€¦ and Iā€™m sure you feel a little lost :disappointed: maybe, maybe, ask him to go to couples counseling to see if yā€™all can figure out where to go from this, 8f he doesnā€™t want to, I hate to say it but Iā€™m leaning towards the file for divorce with a good lawyer, if he can afford his own place and wants one, it really does sound like he may be having a midlife crisis kind of thing, and maybe having an affairā€¦ It may not be because he doesnā€™t love you he may just be doing it because he feels like heā€™s in his strut after 20 years :person_shrugging: you need to decide for yourself if itā€™s workable or not to save the marriage if heā€™s willing to do that. My husband and I need our own space sometimesā€¦ He built a man cave, and we work separate hours (mainly for our kids) but stillā€¦ it makes our time together, and our little ( and I mean little, lol) vacations as a family, more specialā€¦ and I can tell you I trust my husband completely!! And thatā€™s after having a worthless narcissist, manipulative, lying ex-husband who did nothing but cheat on me :person_facepalming:

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