I am a full time mom of 3 who works full time from home 2 jobs. My husband works a full time job 8 hour days as a mechanic, we recently been fighting a lot because I’m overwhelmed with chores. He’s under the impression he doesn’t have to lift a finger at all because he goes to work all day and what I do is easy. Keep in mind I’m a graphic designer and a social media manager for a construction company meaning I’m constantly working well raising 3 kids at home all under the age of 6. He screamed at me today because I said he never helps which is true and he said I don’t have time to do laundry or help h or do dishes all the guys at works wifes have everything done when they get home, they don’t have to do this and that and this, I sat there destroyed inside because I am doing the best I can with the time I have I’m so burnt out. I’m so sad and he truly doesn’t give a shit about me. I am thinking of just leaving because I can’t do it anymore. I’m not sure what to do. Am I asking to much for alittle help from my husband? This whole fight started because the bbq wasn’t cleaned and it caught on fire when I was trying to cook dinner because he forgot to clean the underneath tray last week, I than burned my arm and had to put out a fire with a toddler on my back in a carrier. He cared more about the grill than me and I said a rude comment like if you just would of cleaned it last week when I asked it wouldn’t of caught fire. I’m running off 0 sleep too so I just idk help. Someone please give me advise because I’m so burnt out.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband thinks he doesn't have to lift a finger because he works: Advice?
Hubby wants a mum and not a wife!
Don’t you do anything either . Live in a mess…
i wish my husband would part his lips to bark at me.
i would stop doing anything for him PERIOD (his laundry for example) and let him deal with it. i had to do that with my babydaddy back in the day to make my point. raising kids is job & a half. then when you’re trying to work on top of that whewww. i run three (ridiculously busy) businesses from home myself, i get it.
Divorce the lazy bastard!
I’d tell him that regardless how much he works and thinks you don’t, it’s his home as much as yours. If he wants things done that you didn’t seem to get to, then do it. Or mention divorce, if I wasn’t here, you’d have to figure out a way to do everything on your own. Then try and complain about how much I don’t do:upside_down_face:
Is he your husband or your child? Leave if he persists
I had this happen once, I threw the dishes away and when they asked what we were eating on, I said help wash them and you can buy more. They bought more and started helping. Laundry, or you my clothes and the kids clothes, wash the same set of clothes, each week if you have to. When I get burned out, I get angry and just start throwing things away. You cannot be all things to everyone.
So when you had one child and he didn’t pitch in at all you thought it would get better if you had 2 more kids??
This makes no sense to me.
But it seems the answer is simple. He works full time and you have 2 jobs…… hire someone to come clean your house and get a babysitter so you can get projects and errands done and maybe some free time too.
You won’t change a man with resentment and nagging. You’ll just make yourself the bad guy.
Create a solution for yourself and then decide if you want him around
Yeah that’s not okay at all, you work as well, 2 jobs at that! He needs to do half of everything matter of fact, he can do everything you do for a week and see how he likes it, I bet you he’ll come crawling to you apologizing! Just the fact that he talked to you like that when all you wanted was help would be enough to leave, no need to stress out over that man.
Leaving him home for the day on his day off and dont clean shit besides necessities for the babies …buy paper plates/take out for u and the kids, dont wash or fold his clothes, dont keep up with his stuff and let him do it all, no sex, no kisses, nothing…when he says something tell him ur his wife not his mother and when hes ready for you to be his wife then you’ll act like one
He is a selfish, lazy, emotional abusive pr!ck.
It is time to get out now if financially able, or start saving so you can take the kids and leave. If you are already doing everything, and he literally does not care about your physical well being or safety (and emotional well being), it’s time to make a plan and leave him. The fact that he cared more about the grill than you or your toddler is beyond being a red flag.
Your arm caught on fire and all he cared about was the grill? If you work and do everything else already, then you don’t need that useless sack of ish.
People change for who they want to change for, I’m not saying divorce, leave for awhile, make sure you have child care for the hours he’s at work, desperate times call for desperate measures
Send him home to his mum for her to continue looking after him.
You’re not wrong AT ALL to want or ask for help. I’m sorry, but he’s beyond wrong in his reactions and way of handling things. His biggest concern should have been whether or not you and your child were okay. Do what you feel is best for you and your children’s happiness, peace and mental health.
It always makes me laugh at how so many men’s lives get so much harder when a woman like us is fed up and leaves…and how much easier our lives get, once removing them. Been there. Praying you find the best solution for your family.
Girl it sounds like you’re doing everything alone anyways, fucking leave him. If he isn’t contributing, he’s just dead weight on your shoulders and you’re already carrying a lot.
Wouldn’t last a minute with him!! Luckily I have a super supportive husband. My husband works I’m a sahm, if I don’t get things done he never gets upset,says if you get to it then you get to it,no big deal, always offers to cook dinner,brings dinner home,cleans up and takes the kids while I rest or take a bath. My husband would always put his family first and if i got hurt ,he wouldn’t care about the grill…that’s horrible! I would be done! My hubby also never yells at me. He needs to grow up and help!
If yall both have jobs then he needs to get his sh!t together and help you out. Doesn’t matter what kind of work you do, if you have a full time job then the kids and house aren’t solely your responsibility
Oh I would go on strike I would do enough for the kids!
Wow he’s an ungrateful jerk. What difference does it make whether you work from home or away. Maybe some marriage counseling would help. If he heard it from a professional he may listen and change.
Move his mother in …so she can pick up the slack…see how soon she gets his butt moving
You doing it alone anyway. He’s just adding more work and misery for you. If you are burnt out now y’all won’t last anyway. He’s stealing happiness and energy from you so he’s stealing you from those babies.
If it’s the man’s role to work and bring home the bacon, and the woman’s role to take care of the home and children, ask him why you are having to do half his job? Is he not keeping up with his role? If it continues, in all honesty you are better off without him.
Unless he is bringing in millions to pay for extra help, he can pick up a dish or do some laundry. Cleaning is essential for everyone. It’s not a gender based role. If he wants to act like that. Tell him since you are working 2 jobs to his 1 AND being the parent the kids count on (being a mom is a job in itself) he can clean up after everyone. It is the absolute LEAST he can do… Oh and tell him that he DOES NOT want to see the least you could do for another woman’s grown child (basically what he is).
Time to pack it up shit not gonna changd
On his day off, get up early and leave the house alone. Let him be home with the kids for the day. Then come home later in the day and ask him why things aren’t done.
Leave a detailed list of what you do in a day. Another time don’t do anything that helps him…no dinner, no laundry…well shoot didn’t have time to help you cause your not helping me
He’s a narcissist. He’s full of crap. Make it clear that you do 3 times as much as him or more and he can either help out or get out. If your gonna be a single parent and caretaker of your household, you don’t need him adding to it. You’re amazing and can do it without him. He knows this deep down, but he likes the fact that he can make you feel that you can’t. Trust me. I’ve lived that life for 17 years. Once I showed him I didn’t need him as someone else to pick up after and take care of, he realized real quick that I was too good for him and I knew it. He chose to wimp out and I went on to work, raise my babies and live my life happy and on my terms. You got this mama.
Might be a good idea to start getting ready to leave
Hire a nanny, a chef and a maid for one week using his account.
Omg looking after children and trying to kerp a house clean is so much harder then any job! I would get him to trade places he wouldn’t last a weekend
Conversations that need to be had before you say I do.
He’s never going to help you. I would either leave or throw him out. It would be one less mouth to feed and one less person to pick up after, less laundry to do. If you have to do it all, plus work, what do you need him for? If he’s just going to yell at you and complain when you ask for help? He won’t even watch the kids so you can cook dinner. Useless.
Quit your job… or at least tell him you are. If your finances are seperate, charge him for cooking, cleaning, laundry… or… out source… hire a cleaner or put kids in daycare…etc, etc… Very rude of him to compare you to a stay at home Mom who doesn’t work… or have as many children.
Have a heartfelt convo with him with this being the topic and this only.
Guess I always assumed that I, as a wife and mother, was responsible for caring for our children, home and later worked full time too but never worked outside of the home till our 4th child was about 4 years old and never expected any help from him. He also had a full time job so just figured it was up to me to multi-task as much as I could handle and try to not get over whelmed.
Wtf… I’d be bitching. His “job” is peanuts compared to taking care of daily chores, a job AND 3 high intensity energetic individuals (or soon to be). He gets to take breaks, pee/poo alone, get out of the house etc…the mother? Not a chance. This idiot needs to get his heads out from the past that the house is “woman’s work” and start thinking “family work”. Kids need a father to guide them, the world is crazy.
He’s delusional if he thinks every man at work does nothing at home
Your a team he needs to help out
Give him a love tap to remind him who’s in charge!lol🤷🏾♀️
Wow what a super muma! He needs a reality check. .
I think it’s how they were raised. Sounds like he was raised to believe a man doesn’t do “woman’s work”…that’s fine, I love it when they believe this BUT think it’s ok for the woman to work and earn money and pay bills….get on one side of the fence or the other. Modern women do work, get money and pay bills, back in the day it was the mans responsibility to provide, the woman’s job WAS in the home. Times change. We all know that it takes two or MORE incomes to support a home, so then WHY shouldn’t the man have to put in his share of household chores? It makes complete sense if you don’t think about it. It would make me feel like I’m not worth his time to help out. it’s ONE HUNDRED PERCENT how they were raised
He doesn’t want to help, then separate. One less person to take care of.
To be honest I doubt that he will ever change and things will get worse , Hiring some hell would have been my first advice but he clearly doesn’t give a fuck about you , and the comparison with his co workers wife is very very disrespectful .
To be honest I will start looking for a lawyer and putting the divorce conversation on the table
Communicate all this with him, let him know he needs to start helping and this is his last warning or you’ll be walking away from the marriage. You work too and your needs are valid, if he can’t except that then he doesn’t deserve you!
Did this just begin, or have you always done all the cleaning? Housework is a part of life for all. Unless you hire a housekeeper. I would remind him of that. If you leave simply because he doesn’t clean. Keep in mind you will truly being doing everything alone. I would sit down and have a calm, honest conversation. Expresing your need and desire for some assistance. It is his home as well as yours. Relationships are partnerships. Your not his maid. You are his wife, partner. You obviously need a little assistance. Caring for and cleaning up after children is never ending. A responsibility for both. Much peace and love ☆
If you can work two jobs from home, take care of your children and maintain a home all in your own you most definitely can do all that without him! He’s just extra weight! And when your on your own with your babies you won’t feel so unappreciated or resentful towards him because he’s out of the picture and you will organise yourself, and your children far more effectively after all you have these skills and strengths to do so you don’t want to be going through this shit for another year or two do you! Make the best decision for you n your children, you are the anchor to your family
I think that everything should be share , but if the husband is the only one working to provide for the family is fair that the wife do most of the house stuffs ( most NOT ALL ) but if the wife is also working and contribute to the house finances she absolutely needs help , if the husband doesn’t want to do it the least he can do is to offer to hire someone to help .
This is not her case , he is absolutely rude and disrespectful, I think she will do better by herself , she will struggle and be tired as well but at least she will not live in a constant fight and yelling environment with the kids
Wow he was rude tell him you need to higher help on chores and see what he says let him know its not fair tell him you knew plenty of people whos spouses work as a team and its not about gender roles
You are doing to much. I always did everything in the house all the child care but never had to work when the children were small. Most of the time my husband worked long shifts.
Could you afford to have a cleaner a couple of times a week to get on top of housework? Or childcare for a few hours? So you at least get a break.
Because you work from home your husband doesn’t realise how much you do if you went to an office every day, he’d have to step up and help more.
Bet if he was left at home with the children 24/7 for a few days he’d soon have a change of heart.
Pack his suitcase for him!!
Sit him down and tell him that. Say I AM BURNT OUT I need help. and if he still doestcare leave his sorry ass because your more than a maid and slave
Keep the bathroom and kitchen clean and to hell with the rest!
He definitely needs to help as well. It’s not just a woman’s job to clean, take care of kids etc.
Stop working and let him know he must meet his obligation to fully finance the household to the standard achieved when you worked. Let him know you’ll expect nothing of him as far as running the home but he is to finance the lifestyle you want and is not to ask for any help from you. Let him know if his expectation is you adhere to these out of date gender roles he is bound to live by them too and work as many hours and jobs necessary to fully finance you and the kids . Then update us on how quickly he can’t meet his gender assigned responsibilities.
Be better off without him. Let some1 else “raise” him
The day my husband opens his mouth and say “other men wives do this and that” …among other things your husband said, he’d be signing divorce papers. How dare you! My husband acknowledges the things I do and appreciates it. He also helps with our baby and that’s because I told him before that I didn’t have her by myself and it doesn’t matter if you work because I work too. It took for me to leave one time to show him I’m not playing and he’s going to respect me. I didn’t come back instantly either. I waited for about 2 weeks so he could understand that in a marriage isn’t about what someone can do for you or your selfish desires.
Are you married to my husband? After 7 years of dealing with this I told him marriage counseling or I’m leaving. I’m not sure it’s going to help and there’s a lot more to our story but if he’s willing to go so am I. Don’t let him push you to a place much harder to get out of. Marriage is a partnership and there are plenty of men out there that help there wives. Just because his friends are assholes and expect their wives to have it done or even if they don’t and the wives just do it… their marriage is not yours
If you’ve expressed how you’ve felt and still no changes I’d advice you to say screw him and leave. I know with kids that’ll be difficult. But if he doesn’t respect you now he never will. You deserve a partner who will share the load with you. And if not, we’ll seems like you do it all by yourself anyway so what good is he bringing into your life or your kids life for that matter. Don’t let them grow up in that type of environment. Boo hoo to the fact he works 8 hours a day. You’re working AND being a full time mom? That’s like 20 jobs in one. I’m a STAHM. I have a 6 year old and am pregnant with our second child. My husband works 60-70 hours a week and only gets sundays off and is still a very active father to our son and helps me around the house. Going to work doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to fulfill his duties at home.
To be honest, you are working and caring for the kids and house on your own. I would personally leave if I have to do it all alone may as well be on my own. Then when he gets the kids for his time with him he’ll have to figure out how to do it on his own.
I’d tell him then he should go find a woman that will treat him like the baby he is and I would stop doing things.
No wonder children have no families, no structure, no home training, and no life lessons except haul ass to bring into their own marriage one day. The first thing you women say is to leave! It’s not like he’s beating her and their children. Leaving is the easy route. You mentioned blowing up on him first. Next time, better yet, before their is a next time bring it up nonconfrontationally.
If you can afford to hire someone to help you, do it, babysitting, cleaning whatever you need! You’ll have to if you leave him.
why do men always think just because they work they dont need to help out at home or help take care of the kids,
hell he lives there too and they kids his too, maybe you should stop feeding him and picking up after him, let him cook dinner for himself, let him do his own laundry and pick up after himself and you just do you and the kids if he wants to act like that or even when he gets home you go out and leave the kids with him and give him no choice and if he dosent like it nor wants to work it out and pull his weight then you should leave, your pretty much doing it on your own anyway.
I love my son-in-law but he is the exact way except his job is a lot more physically easier than your husband.
Leave… or better yet leave all weekend with him with the kids. Or tell him you stay home you work, or you be a SAHM the grill is usually the man’s job. It caught on fire it’s his fault. No I know what you mean it won’t get better. Don’t do his laundry, don’t make him meals. Seriously only take care of the kids and who cares about him.
The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle
Try to read it. It’s not easy at first but it works like a charm if you give it a try
I feel your pain seriously it’s sad to see these types of posts on a weekly basis it’s beyond me that just because he works he actually think he don’t have to do nothing else actually shocking
You are his lover not his mother
You work and look after the kids
Today s world the mother still does everything in some households others the man also does them
Some men are chauvinists but I think that’s how they saw their mums role
Up to you how you play it
Just stop doing anything for him, no laundry no cooking etc. Focus fully on the kids, yourself and your job/tasks. You don’t say whether he actually participates in any family activities. If not, start doing this with your own family and friends as well. Be calm and explain rationally when he asks what’s happening. Nothing creates a reaction like indifference. When you see what that reaction is, then make your own decision on whether your want to stay together or not. Everyone should have self-respect and freedom to live their best life.
Seriously F**k that guy
Go out all day on weekends and leave him with the kids and see how much he gets done around the house
I bet all the guys at work are liars!!!
Just don’t do anything around the house. Just do your designing. No dishes. No laundry, no picking up after anyone even the children. Let him see just what goes on in his house while he works ONLY 8 hours. Seem like you are full time plus doing everything else. Let things just goooo. No matter how messy the house gets. Just feed the children. My girlfriend did this and when there were no dishes or clean clothes he helped
He absolutely should help ! And maybe it was a bad day not a bad marriage idk …
I’d try to communicate once you both are in a better head space and have gotten much needed rest. Sounds like bumping heads. Communication is key. And I’m response to other wife’s ect ect
They probably don’t work AND take care of everything and I’m sure they do get help from their husbands it’s a partnership ! Most guys act like it’s all peaches and cream with their wife’s and get embarrassed easily around their friends so they put on a front but in reality, it’s just not real life ! Especially with 3 children under 6
Communication is everything and it sounds like lack of empathy coming from him. I would try to work things out and talk about how you truly feel, don’t hold back. Let him read this post, copy and paste to him, give him perspective. Then if your feelings are still avoided, time to do some serious thinking …
take it easy and take care of yourself that’s so important your kids need their mama and you can’t pour from an empty cup they feel you. Take a nice hot bath when they go to bed, comfortable pjs lotion ect and relax ! Good luck
Keep your head up
We’ve most likely allll been there !
He made those babies. He made the mess. He’s an Adult. You’re his wife not his momma. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t serve him a meal. Tell him you work too and will only care for that which others can’t do.
He should be sleeping on the couch
Given the Gould shoulder
It shouldn’t matter what his buddy’s wife’s do or don’t do
He helped make the kids he could help take care of them or house chores
Hire a housekeeper and give him the tab!
Once home for the day. Divide up the stuff that needs to be done. Then just ask, do you want to make dinner, and clean up or bathe and read bedtime stories? If he still doesn’t pitch in, then start taking step to leave
Girrl, LEAVE him with the kids and your responsibilities of keeping up the household and JUST MAYBE he’ll see just “how easy” it is, just to juggle the kids alone is hard work in itself. I put my bf of 7 years in my shoes for 1 day and he changed his outlook on wtf he thought was so easy too. Shit pisses me off. But your situation seems a bit different with his attitude torwards you idk if I’d truly leave the kids with him for a full day. Plus, him comparing you to the other wives of coworkers is gross, is he honestly that stupid to think your situation compared to any of the other wives is exactly the same? He doesn’t know if their husbands help them or not.
Marriage counseling. No matter how hard it is now for you, if you left you’d really be on your own doing everything yourself.
I know the feeling this post actually sounds like my life
If he’s bringing nothing to the table but an 8 hour job u will be better off without him. And he will have to take kids couple times a week if u leave him… if ur doing everything now anyways u won’t miss anything:woman_shrugging: then with the child matanence if ur still struggling u could get a cleaner once a week. Why be with someone that is making ur life harder u only get one life. Give him bk to his mother since that what he wants in a women
What a vile attitude he has.
If money permits get a cleaner once a week and make sure you pay then that doesn’t give him anything else to through at you good luck
Quit your job! Then he’ll see what more $ you’ve been bringing in! If not, get a house cleaner to come in at least once a month, get a sitter when you need to keep up the housework, until the house cleaners comes again; for at least a couple of hours a day. Treat your job like a regular working person that goes out to work. If he doesn’t want to help, then you need to get outside help!!!
If you’re working actual jobs you’re entitled to some form of child care subsidy… One is prep/school age anyway… Put them in daycare afew days a week/if not 5 days a week… That helps with the burnt out feeling trying to manage work and having the kids home… As for the husband issues… Divorce him… Sounds like a pig and you’re already doing everything on your own anyway… Kick him out and he’ll have to work and do his own house work and see how hard it actually is… You’re better off
Tell him to start helping out and respect you or your kicking him out you have the right to stay there with your children, or stop cleaning altogether look after yourself x
He should absolutely be helping! I am so sorry your going through this. Definitely not ok or fair. It should be team work. You guys are a team. Or should be. I became a stay at home mom after my second son (both under 3yrs old) My husband will come home and help do laundry take care of kids help me feed them. Kids are a lot of work. So I would do what others have suggested. Stop doing his laundry don’t worry about his dinner maybe don’t clean the house take a time out. See what he says or if he’ll even notice.
When you mentioned having 2 jobs I definitely was hoping being a mom was one of them. But you seriously work 3 jobs. If anything maybe quit one of them and have him work a second job since All he has to do is “go to work”.
That’s rough! And what a crock that none of the “blokes at work” have to do chores when they get home…he’s full of it. Good men and good dads understand it takes teamwork to raise a family and keep a home when both parents are working.
He needs to understand you need a supportive husband, the kids need a dad and if he doesn’t step up you’ll step out.
My spouse didn’t learn what keeping a child was like until we had baby #2 and he had to.watch JUST HIM for 2 days alone. We were in Europe due to military. When I came home our little apartment was a disaster. He said,“I will never say anything about the house being a mess again” . It helped that he had to do it all. Your spouse sounds like he needs a few life lessons. You are a team and he is NOT RESPECTING what u do at all.
wowsers, what era does he live in? You are working 8 hours, he is working 8 hours… I don’t know how you tolerate it. I would rather be single than have someone sit there while I do everything, is like a form of torture. Probably not much help from me, but I personally would not want to be with someone so self centred, not anymore.
If you are doing it alone already you may as well do it alone with one less person to care for. just my opinion.
He is already grown and that’s his mindset. You won’t be changing that.
Then once you’ve done 8 hours in a day don’t do anymore. Kitchen closed etc. His attitude is one of a man in the 1950s. It sounds like an excuse for not doing anyt at home. I divorced my husband. As I’ve said to many in my case after 7 years slavery was abolished! Get him to pay for someone to do the chores he doesn’t want to do. You shouldn’t have to pay.
Get a house cleaner with his income .
I think you know the answer here. Marriage is a partnership, keyword there is partners. Team mates. If he can’t be a part of a team then he can leave. Or you can. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be your partner.
Join the club. Men all around the world
Gf your not the only one going through this it doesn’t get better only worse
Your husband is an arse who only cares about himself. Tell him to man up most man actually help or tell him to leave. I am a stay at home mum who doesn’t work and gets help.
Please Jesus help these ladies Amen