Been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years. Out of the 15 years we have been together he has cooked maybe 5-6 times. He knows how to cook but never ever offers or comes in the kitchen to help. If I don’t cook we don’t get a home cooked meal. He resorts to fast food if I’m not in the mood to cook. He later complains about how much money we have spent on fast food. I’ve been dealing with major depression and anxiety and he has been supportive with that. But never offers to help cook, clean, or do anything unless he is asked. When I ask him to take out the garbage or recycling…it will sit there. Even though he says “I’ll do it in a bit.” Asking him to do anything is like pulling teeth. I end up more upset because he doesn’t do it or doesn’t do it right away. I don’t know if it’s old school logic or something. He grew up seeing his father be the bread winner and his Mom did all the cooking and cleaning plus took care of the children. How can I change someone so set in their ways? He always says he is tired but we both work during the day and I’m tired too. I feel so burnt out and tired of doing everything. Why can’t he help!? I don’t know if i wrote this for support or to vent or both- we also have two young children. I don’t want my Son growing up thinking the Woman has to cook/clean/take care of the children and everything else. I don’t want my daughter to think she has to do this either.
I love to cook, maybe find things you would want to try together or plan like lil date nights around it maybe that would help
Don’t cook dinner for a few days or do the washing up or laundry let it pile up until he has to do something and then remind him you aren’t his Mother
Ride his ass like a child
Sounds like he’s depressed too.
Tell him to chip in …or its take out n spend more money…
Omg I’m following this I just read my life story lol this is 1000% my hiuse
First of all stop doing everything. Sit down and make a list of chores and decide it to who is responsible for what and when(make sure your children are on the list too!) If your husband does not do his part, leave it! It is hard but you need to stick to your guns!!
It’s laziness.
That’s how I view it when both people work & only one pulls their weight around the home.
Look after yourself for 2 weeks - do your cleaning, cooking & necessary chores.
Leave his things to pile up, no dinner, no helping him and tell him he knows how everything works if wants clean clothes/food.
Your depression won’t get better when have this extra weight on shoulders.
So leave him to his lazy ways & take care of You finally!
Have some heart to heart talk.
Girl. I feel this so much.
Can you guys meal plan on a certain day? Like take that day and cook together, and have meals ready to just pop in the oven or microwave?
I also have been going through this. But recently began counseling for another reason-my father passed away. I discovered during counseling that many of my issues stemmed from how I was raised. You are right to not want your children to grow up this way! The thing that I learned was that even tho it “made sense” to me that he should help-that realization didn’t come to him. I found that I have to be very specific and direct and then sometimes even set a “time limit” of sorts…. Like “can you please take the garbage out by 7? If not, I guess I will need to do it. “ This has worked-so far. But it sometimes feels like I have to “parent” him. But then the results have been the same-the garbage is out by 7. I am a very calm person who hates conflict so this has worked for me-at least for now. I am sure others may have more direct approaches but this is what I can live with. Good luck to you and your family!
then plan a family night and bring everything out in the open and do it in a civil manner if you can?.
He will get hungry and figure it out if you stop serving him! Do a meal prep day with friends for frozen crock pot meals.
and ask him to help with the prep. If the answer is no…he doesn’t get to enjoy the meals. Treat him like the kid he is being. At some point he has to realize you are done with the BS. No sense in fighting about it as he has got away with it this long.
Sounds like you have 3 kids instead of 2.
Me and my husband both work 2 jobs we both come home tired and I have just told him the on his days off (he has two from one job) that he in charge of dinners those nights. I have also tried meal preparation on Sundays so it is not so hard on me during the week. Have him help! As for not wanting your son learning women do everything, assign him to help with cooking, chores and other things around the house. I have found if I don’t tell my husband what I need help with he won’t do it. Good luck
Write down everything you do VS everything he does. Show it to him. Tell him to fix it.
After 13 years, I finally left my husband for the same reason. Even though with partially seasonal work leaving him unemployed for several months in the winter, I still worked full time, and still did all the housework, etc. He would literally sit and watch tv or play on the internet all day. I couldn’t do it anymore.
15 years of doin it is a lil too late for him to change it. Shouldnt have started it. Sorry. Jmo
Depending on the age of the kids maybe you need a week vacation. Suddenly. Just make sure there’s food In the cupboards.
I had to do this. I did it twice and things changed. We are divorced now somethings don’t change. You have to make that decision for yourself.
I have blue jobs and pink jobs because I’m pregnant again and not working. So ideally.
He takes the garbage out on his way out the door in the morning and will help with the dishes if I’m really overwhelmed. That’s my second husband though. The first one would only do stuff when people were around to make it look like he cared. That’s even more frustrating I think. Hugs. Unfortunately society has made a living talking about how “lazy” men can be right down to the meme
“ if you ask me to do something you don’t need to remind every three months “
Excuses have been made. Woman can work full time and “not” be tired yet a man that works even six hours has to nap. The. Men complain that nobody looks at them like they’d do anything otherwise.
Depending on your age (I’m 44) it may be harder to change him because he grew up like that.
No easy answer. Hugs. Sometimes men stink
Same here. Tried so many things, but nothing sticks. So frustrating. Has no problem calling the kids out for not helping, but doesn’t realize he’s just as bad. Lol, love him though and it’s something I’m willing to keep trying to figure out.
I would suggest counciling. Might help with your depression. Do you help in yard and garden? Do you work too?
It sounds like both of you are burnt. He might be carrying his depression differently. Try a change of scenery… incorporate something y’all can do together. Some common ground will do wonders when beginning to heal communication issues.
If you don’t want your children growing up thinking house work and cooking has a gender role, then you get them doin those things. My son was taught to cook from a very young age, and now for the last few years, grocery shopping, dinner menus, preparing meals is his responsibility several times a week. At 18 we are still working on cleaning up after himself, but he will never think cooking is the woman’s job. As for your husband. Communicate with him. But you may still have to ask him. Pick your battles. Otherwise stop doing things that add extra work on yourself. When I work i text him to have something for dinner when I get home… He usually orders a pizza. So we eat pizza. You should talk to your PCP about depression.
You should sit down and have a nice long chat with him and explain how you feel and make sure he understands that relationship are 50/50 and not all the house work should be on just you and that you really need him to help you with all the work.
My partner was like this to the point he wouldn’t eat anything and complain he was starting if I didn’t cook or wasn’t hungry myself. He expected food on the table when he got in from work and the house spotless ect. I told him if he wanted a 70s housewife to go find one as I’m not and never will be that. Especially if we both work ect. It took a while, and I stopped doing things for him that he expected. We now take it in turns to cook meals each night or do it together. When he started doing things around the house, it was never how I liked it or would do it myself but… I’ve learnt that just cause its not the way I want, atleast he made the effort to try… So I always made a point of saying thank you and how much just doing that one thing has helped the load. He more hands on than I’d like now but hey I did it 
I’ve tried doing the I’ve done this and you’ve only done that list but I was never going for points and just made the other person feel useless. Hope you find a way 
Fox yourself a sandwich and say “kitchen closed”
And this is why I haven’t ever gotten married. TOO MANY men still to this day believe that women should take care of the men like a baby, and we just oblige because it feels SO awesome to say that we’re married, until it isn’t awesome anymore. With women staying with men like this (and I know not every woman does), it just teaches our daughters and sons that it’s still okay for the men to be lazy and the women to do it all, and all we can do is complain about it…
Girl I am going through the same things it’s because his momma waited on him and hand and foot so he expects me to I just let everything go until he decides it’s enough then he helps me it’s a never ending cycle and it’s so frustrating…I don’t mind the cooking because he can only cook certain things and when I ask him to make them he will bc they are better than mine…but doing the laundry or something like that he doesn’t
Men who don’t help likely never will. After 15 years, it’s quite clear that’ll never happen. He expects women to do it all and cater to all of his needs while he does the bare minimum(working) and believe that’s all he ever needs to do. I’ve left men for this very reason. I need a partner. Not an overgrown man child.
He could also be suffering depression, I know that with mine he shuts down completely and doesn’t do anything and it’s not something that is easily controlled
This may sound stupid but have you tried having a deep conversation with him? You say he is supportive of your depression and to me it sounds like him not helping may be playing into it so I think you should talk about how him not helping you out is negatively impacting you and your depression. Im assuming with no help you feel overwhelmed and I know that can make depression worse. Also if you are both working I dont believe it is “old school ways” as you are both contributing financially to your house. And those kids are his too! He helped you make them and he should help you raise them, and depending on age they should also be helping with some household chores. As a husband he should and should be willing to take some of the burden off your shoulders, especially when he can. I hope this helps and I hope you get through it
Your not alone. You have to sit him down and let him know your real feelings. Like no kids around. No family or friends to interrupt. These are my feelings and it would make me feel a whole better if you would help with “our” house, feeding “our” kids.
NO ONE is allowed to cook in my kitchen and my husband is not allowed to touch my washer and dryer. Yes I’m old school in the sence that No one can cook and clean to MY SATISFACTION so I do it!!! Yes my daughters are grown and have lives of their own but even when they were home the same rules applied!! Yes they had chores but they mostly pertained to keeping their rooms clean and organized!! I raised my daughters by myself worked 3 jobs atone time but eventually got a great job so I only had to work one job…Finally…My husband and I have been together 22 years and married 15 years. My daughters are 37 and 40…
You have to be more assertive.
I’m definitely a equal rights, what’s good for one is good for the other kind of girl.
I am lucky to have a man who cooks and cleans and when he gets slack I’m quick to explain that we both live in the house hold and contribute to the mess (4 kids also) and he is straight back to it. I get slack to when I just want a day or too off from it all being a constant.
It is a deal breaker for me. I grew up watching my mum, my sister and I made to do all the cleaning while my dad watched us do it all. Although he did contribute to the cooking. Now even at 27 I watch my mum clean up after my brother and dad who only do minimum house work like put a load of dishes in dish washer or hang out the washing and only when asked by her. It makes me wild! If you walk past something that needs doing, do it simple & at the age of 22 & 50 you should not need to be asked or told to do housework or cooking come dinner time they are fully grown men who are perfectly capable!
Hun I’m so sorry to say but if the communication isn’t working and your asking and he’s not giving a dam to even do the bin when ASKED then I think he simply can’t be effed or doesn’t care to. He’s giving you false hope by saying yeah in a bit and then letting you down over and over again. You deserve and want someone who cares enough to put you first or at least equal.
I explained to my husband when we were first married 30 years ago that I only had so much energy to get through the day so if he wanted my undivided attention at bedtime, especially after we had kids, it was up to him to make sure I still had energy left or he was out of luck. He took that to heart and has always been great about doing his share of childcare for our 3 kids and everything else, plus yardwork and handyman/ DIY work on our home. Even after his significant stroke last year, he’s very diligent about helping in any way he can since he can’t work. He does more even now than my own father ever did around the house, although he can’t do much of his previous handyman and mechanical stuff due to memory deficits, but he’s trying to relearn it. He’s very bored not working at least parttime and tries to stay busy.
You can change someone that doesn’t see an error in their ways
Because you put up with for 15 years🤷🏽♀️…
What about going to a cooking class together as a date night?
After 15 years it’s unlikely he will start helping now! I wouldn’t put up with it. My partner knows to help out we are a team and that’s the way it should be.
Well, sometimes early on in a relationship we unknowingly set duties for ourselves and our others. Maybe come up with a meal plan and rotate who gets to cook. I wish I had someone to complain about not helping while at home. Single mom of 2 I do it all and I have major anxiety and manic depression. I have a management position helping those who struggle daily with life.
Have you tried an old school CAT5 meltdown? Take the full trash bag and sit it in his favorite recliner…. Make only enough home cooked food for you and your kids put it in containers for you and them and eat it right away no left overs. Let him go get fast food or get in the kitchen and cook. If he can cook for himself then aaahhh ha he can cook for the family too. Do only your laundry and the kids. Bet he can operate a washer and dryer….surprise. When you grocery shop don’t buy his favorite things. Stop doing things for him. Don’t argue don’t talk about it make the actual statement so he sees all you do when you stop doing it for awhile. THEN when he realizes it have the conversation. Either he can help or this is his new normal. Let him decide. It puts the choice on his shoulders.
You can’t change them.
My hubs rarely cooks at home, however he cooks all day for work so I get it. He helps with cleaning everything else except thw kitchen. But he takes the kids while I’m cooking or doing dishes. Honestly I would have lost it if he didn’t help with anything and we would not be together anymore. We went through a patch where he didn’t do anything. I had enough and told him step up or step out because I have far to much respect for myself to be treated this way. We both work full time and have 2 kids who are only 4 and 2.
15 yrs is a long time to now decide you want someone to change. He also could be suffering from depression. (Lack of ambition) Woman aren’t the only ones who get bummed out. Maybe, lighten the grocery bill to compensate for the fast food. (His part of the cooking) And asking man to leave because he doesn’t do side chores doesn’t sound logical to me. (Especially, if he is doing everything else right)
15 years later and now you want the change?
have you sat down and told him all of this? tell him word for word - show him this post if you have trouble -then come up with a schedule.
You need to sit down and have a conversation with him about this. Point out that you BOTH work full time outside of the house so it isn’t fair that all of the household duties get put on you alone. He may not even realize the burden he is putting on you because, let’s face it, it’s been 15 years and you haven’t had this conversation with him so he is just settled into the routine now. Tell him if he wants you to do all of the household duties without any help from him, then you’re going to have to quit your job in order to be able to be a full time housewife and stay at home mom 
I babied my first husband. I would fix his plate and everything because I thought that’s what a good wife did. He needed a mother not a wife and after we divorced he just found another woman that would be his mother and do everything for him.
Now… my husband doesn’t clean, but he does a bunch of stuff that I don’t want to do so that kind of evens things out. I don’t like to do anything that takes more patience than waiting 20 minutes and that’s pushing it. He’ll cook. If I’m depressed or tired because I am chronically fatigued and he doesn’t feel great either he will get takeout. I’m a stay-at-home student/mom. He works fulltime and has to drive a hour and twenty minutes to and from work. He goes to the gym three days a week and runs the other four days a week. He is still super active in the kids’ lives. He still comes home and does bedtime routine with our toddler. When I feel resentful because I don’t feel like we’re putting in the same effort we have a “come to jesus” meeting and hash things out. Sometimes it’s like hey… I’ll skip a day or two at the gym this week to ease the load off some. But the point is he tries to make a change…
If you communicate with your partner that hey we got a problem and they don’t listen or say things will change and you don’t see any effort then the problem is bigger than the fact he doesn’t want to cook. The problem is he’s not putting effort into the relationship. When was the last time you guys had a date? Or the last time you liked your husband? Not loved… like really liked being around your husband? Sometimes that’s hard to answer.
If you give him a job to do , like garbage. Don’t tell him to do it now.like a child. Just ask him to take it out. Don’t take it back or remind him. It will pile up and he will realize you aren’t going behind him to do it.
Sit down with him and make a chart of all tbe jobs and put a name on who’s doing it. Tell him he’s an adult and you aren’t going to remind him or get on him if it’s not done. It is expected that you each do your jobs.
Figure out some easy recipes to cook. Through some in the oven or crock pot so he doesn’t have to stand over the stove etc. Little steps and keep adding. Good luck. I married a child. His mother did everything for him So he never grew up.
Include the children every time you do cook. Stop cleaning up after him. Clean everything else. When he runs out of clothes he’ll need to do it. Just wash the dishes you and the kids need to eat off of at the time. He’ll get the hint eventually. When he bitches about it smile and walk away.
Getting men to do anything is like pulling teeth. Things are invisible to them. .this isn’t anything new lmao
You need to set him down and be stern!!! I have to remind my husband and if he sits there , I say it again. He needs to man up and take on some chores at home!!
Iv been dealing with the same issues for 13 years. We’ve had hard times going in and out of 1 or both of us paying bills but I’m still stuck doing everything. iv repeatedly talked to my husband, we’ve tried counseling, and iv put my foot down as 2 what I expect. He helps about a week or 2 then goes back 2 being yelled at or just plain pissing me off by being a lazy ass doing nothing but creating another mess I have 2 clean. After this long iv had enough. Neither of us is gonna change and I’m tired of doing it all by myself when i shouldn’t have too. So we are getting a divorce. Don’t know if that helps but this long neither is going 2 change and he’s defiantly not going 2 change what uv put up with 4 so long
I cook honey does the dishes
don’t you feel its too late to change your 15 yr husband ? … yes you are tired but you can choose to stay at home and take care for your family , cook meals ,cleaning, its also a precious job to take care for them this way rather than working outside your home too .
Have no food ready. Make yourself food and tell him… you are on your own. I am not your maid.
Communication is key!
Have you asked him to cook? Sometimes we expect our SO to know what we want and to just offer, but guys brains just don’t work they way ours does
You haven’t got over it yet
Stop cooking all together after while he will get it eating fast food after 2 weeks will get his attention
Stop washing his clothes. See if he notices that. Tell him by the time u got yours and the kids clothes done u were to tired to do his.
Have a real talk with him tell him it doesn’t make him any less of a man by cooking or helping with dishes tell him what his dad did was wrong his mom suffered must’ve been so tired and things might not even have been that much for her as it is for you …do tell him it puts a lot of strain on u and u tired just speak your heart out to him,tell him if he does do his input u not going to do all this things anymore and give yourself a break
Stop cooking for him feed yourself let him cook his own
Start doing a make it your own night 2 nights a week. Just make your food and the kids.
My bf once put old cream of mushroom soup on eggs and hash browns thinking that it was gravy. I do all the cooking, but if I don’t feel like it I don’t. He has freezer stuff he pop in the microwave. As for taking out the trash, his timeline/ priority isn’t yours. Asking hey, when you have a chance can you do…might be better then expecting him to hop to on your timeline.
See if you can switch nights and split the housework. If he refuses, go on “strike” and make it clear you are not lifting a finger for him as long as he’s not lifting a finger for you. Sometimes what they need to smarten up is to get a taste of their own medicine. 
Do what you need to do to make sure the kids and you are taken care of, and he can fend for himself for a while. Make your point known. Wash your clothes and the kids’ clothes, cook or heat up a frozen meal, and make it easier on yourself. He’ll catch on. If he doesn’t, then there’s something wrong with him. I have a parent this way, and it drives me bat crap crazy. I hate seeing one parent doing everything while the other parent doesn’t do anything but work when both parents worked. Refuses to cook, refuses to clean, but expects the other parent to hurry up and get the cleaning and stuff done so they can go out and visit people. Makes me absolutely sick. So I don’t deal with that type of behavior well. Everything is equal in my marriage. There are certain things I don’t like to do, and there’s certain things he doesn’t like to do, but neither one of us does any more than the other.
It might be too late to change him after 15 years, but have a try. You both work so you both contribute 50% to the household. List down every house and garden chore there is, and put a price on each. pick out some easy ones for the kids to earn pocket money from, then let him pick his half first, if he doesn’t do any of his on the day his supposed to, he pays for it to be done. Getting the kids doing some chores is always a good idea, and men don’t like being hit in the pocket, so when you price everything up make sure it’s what professional would charge, and don’t do them yourself, or he won’t learn to get off his backside and share responsibility with you.
Don’t do any of that they said above, just fuck him off lazy piece of shite
If you both work about the same hours, house chores should be split… if you have more off time, more house chorse should be your responsibility. At the very least he should be responsible for cleaning up after himself… we dont live in the 50s anymore. Times have changed. Good luck.
Make a calendar and put it on the fridge. Some days are his, and some days are yours, marked with your names. Those are the days that person cooks and cleans kitchen.
You’ve been with this man for 15yrs and now you want to complain about it. Sorry Sis, he’s who he is. 
I think if a woman stays home she should do the cleaning and cooking at home
My man works a 10 hour day and still comes home and cooks me dinner. We share the cooking duty’s. I make my son take the trash out but if it’s too heavy my man does that too. He sounds lazy and you have just been allowing the behavior and he’s comfortable with it
The amount of women who don’t want to be homemakers is crazy to me. Lol
I left my fiance for this behavior, only difference is he didn’t know how to cook and clean but he refused to learn.
I feel u sis my husband is the same way and if and when he does do something pshhhhh it’s like the end of the world. We’ve been together 6 years n I haven’t figured it out… but I will tell u this… I hired a cleaning lady!!! I love her and she saved my life lol
I stopped doing anything for mine
You should write your obligations that you do outside the home and inside the home and his obligation outside and what he does inside the home! Then you should either pay someone to come help you clean and have your husband pay for it the tasks he is to do if it doesn’t get done then he has to pay a third party to do it but it should be on the assignments that he has to complete like cooking or cleaning and are the kids doing anything at all? Everyone should have an assignment like I have my kids do the whole house sweeping and vacuuming and the other the mopping and the other the bathroom cleaning and we all do laundry as well as they have to cook every third day I cook one day too and they cook with my help and we all have to do the watering of plants!but I make them have a responsibility! They have to make their bed and pick up their stuff and if they leave stuff behind they have to do something extra and as for everyone is to do their own dishes and if they leave their dish behind then have to do the whole dinner dishes and pans as a consequence of leaving behind their plate or even a fork and they have to take thrash out on thrash day!
Tell him point blank to pull his fucking weight and make sure you teach your son to clean as well.
There is no excuse for this behaviour . My partner on night shift he does mornings with kids feeds them takes them school etc I do evenings dinners etc . On his days off I don’t have to cook and we share all other chores.
Even my 4 year old does dishes Evey other day .
If you speak to him about it and he won’t change or grow up and help because he’s a man then maybe u have to decide how much change u really want .
There is nothing you can do now. You allowed this to go on for 15 years and then all of a sudden expect him to change some thing he’s been used to for over 15 years? Leave people to be themselves and stop trying to change people. If there is a tree in your partner that you do not believe you can live with for the rest of your life and that person is not the partner for you.
Cook for yourself and tell him he can starve 
My bf mom always did the cooking and cleaning to the point my bf didn’t even do his own laundry when I met him (he was 19-20) and he didn’t know how to work a washer or dryer and I wasn’t putting up with it. I taught him how to use a washer n dryer, I taught him how to cook and clean PROPERLY! I will never understand how some mothers send their boys out to the world like a fucking toddler looking for another woman to take care of him. I’m a SAHM for our 3 year old and he works but he doesn’t have a labor job where he has to do lots with his body, he sits in a machine all day and pushes buttons, he’s in camp all week and when he gets home for the weekend I get him to do chores around the house (dishes, laundry and taking the garbage into town to the dump cause we live an hour away from town ) and that’s pretty much it, aside from having him help out with our daughter.
Go on strike. Do only stuff for yourself. See how long it takes for him to say something.
Talk to your husband about the way you’re feeling and work it out…if he treats your feelings on the subject as insignificant then you should reevaluate your relationship and if you want to continue in a situation where the other person doesn’t want to put in the effort and you are clearly unhappy
“How can I change someone set in their ways” you can’t. THEY have to work on that. Not you.
The fact that you all put up with this behavior is your fault…
Get rod of the man child life is to short or stop doing his stuff.
That’s sad. A macho man is one who is humble and teachable .
Everyman gets tired sick it up and get stuff done.
A wise women once told me … Every man is a dickhead and has flaws. So choose a man with flaws you can live with and who is less of a dickhead than other dickheads 
Too late! That is exactly what you are teaching them!
If he was a real man he would pull his weight and do half the chores. A marriage is equal you work he works you do half chores he does half chores thats how marriage works.
Why don’t you hold the nookey well honestly to get off his ass you never mentioned work or anything maybe you shouldn’t have got married ! And never had kids maybe putting him in his place mite do it u have to work. U have to contribute if he wants too sit on butt and play games maybe it’s time for someone new ! someone that wants too grow up been onboth sides. Lazy sucker and responsible dad lay down law ! What it took for me definitely hRd !
If you’re married and especially both working…it is a 100% on both sides. It takes both to keep the household up and going. If you’re an adult and you contribute to the mess, dirty dishes, use bathroom, leaving your trash laying around, etc…neither is rsch others maid. Both should work “together” to keep household going. The wife is not the maid who is there to clean up after another healthy capable adult. You want to make your wife happy and know you love her? Clean up and help. Actually, being a well able grown up and doing what you need to do…shows love. To be outright lazy is showing disrespect for her. If you’re a wife and you’re lazy…it goes for you also. Love does not disrespect.
You have 1 of two choices… You do it or you leave it…
Write down something similar to this post / show it to him and suggest couples counseling. Also do the bare minimum until he understands the value of you… Even if he was the bread winner in the family & you were taking care of the kids he would still need to help out. Stop this now!