Been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years. Out of the 15 years we have been together he has cooked maybe 5-6 times. He knows how to cook but never ever offers or comes in the kitchen to help. If I don’t cook we don’t get a home cooked meal. He resorts to fast food if I’m not in the mood to cook. He later complains about how much money we have spent on fast food. I’ve been dealing with major depression and anxiety and he has been supportive with that. But never offers to help cook, clean, or do anything unless he is asked. When I ask him to take out the garbage or recycling…it will sit there. Even though he says “I’ll do it in a bit.” Asking him to do anything is like pulling teeth. I end up more upset because he doesn’t do it or doesn’t do it right away. I don’t know if it’s old school logic or something. He grew up seeing his father be the bread winner and his Mom did all the cooking and cleaning plus took care of the children. How can I change someone so set in their ways? He always says he is tired but we both work during the day and I’m tired too. I feel so burnt out and tired of doing everything. Why can’t he help!? I don’t know if i wrote this for support or to vent or both- we also have two young children. I don’t want my Son growing up thinking the Woman has to cook/clean/take care of the children and everything else. I don’t want my daughter to think she has to do this either.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband won't cook and I don't like it! - Mamas Uncut
I am 63 years old but I can relate. I had 4 children ages 7, 6, 2, and newborn. I am a nurse and worked too. My husband worked 3-11 so I was a second shift widow. I too suffered from major depression and anxiety. I hated to cook. But looking back on those days there are a couple of suggestions I can offer to you. First and foremost take care of yourself. If you need to nap, get someone to watch your kids and nap (or put them in front if the TV with snacks and nap on the couch). Do crockpot meals for supper; that way you can have a home cooked meal for supper with very little prep. Launder your clothes and the kids clothes, don’t do his. He’ll learn real quick to do his own. Let the trash overflow, when its falling on the floor he’ll get the hint. Its unrealistic of men to think women have to do it all. Maybe that is how he was raised (you know the saying “children live what they learn”). Good luck sweetie, I hope things improve for you soon!
totally relate to that married 54 years and he never lifts a finger - why-- because it is a womans job-- well i worked way over 40 hours a week plus took care of sick kids plus stayed up all night canning and still went to work — he has never ever cooked a meal wont even pay for a meal to eat out if i want to eat out i better have the money total waste of 54 years – i know should of left long ago but with 4 kids i never and now feel stuck need the ss income from us both to survive—oh and I raised all lmy kids son included to cook clean etc and they all do
I understand your frustration. But try and think of him being gone if he left would you feel the same way or be okay I wish I had such simple things to be upset about I wish it were these problems in my marriage I was worried about instead my worries are way worst . Oh how I wish
Let me know when you find the answer if I don’t cook we don’t eat he only will find food for his self😠
I do everything around the house and in the house. My husband does cook but he uses his flat stone grill or cooks chilly over a fire outside. He doesn’t know much bout cooking in the kitchen, but I dnt mind it bc the kitchen is mine lol. I get my boys 11, & 7 to help me around the house. They take the trash out and clean the yard, and they get money points if they do stuff that they dnt have to be asked to do. Like hang the cloths on the line to dry, taking trash out, washing a load of cloths, cleaning up the living room, or cleaning a bathroom, mopping, sweeping. The rule is if I have to ask you to do it then you get nothing for doing it. They do not get money for cleaning their room bc that’s is something they have to keep clean bc it’s their things. Helps a lot if you have kids that can take some responsibility to. The yard belongs to my husband and the house belongs to me. Any little things in between belongs to the kids. What you allow is what will continue. Sounds like you need some order in your home. Just sit down explain it’s to much and if everyone could pull their own weight it be a lot easier. I tell my bunch that I’m not asking you to do the dishes I’m asking you to atleast put the dishes in the sync! I made it very clear they are not to make it harder on me. If your cloths cnt seem to make it to the dirty cloths basket then I guess eventually you wnt have nothing to wear, bc I’m not bout to go on a witch hunt for dirty cloths and then have to wash them to. No no no lol. You just need to set some ground rules in place and stick to them. Sometimes we got to act like a mean Butt to get our points across. Either they get tired of you complaining and yelling about the same stuff all the time a learn to do it or get yelled at or they can do without. Dnt ever let it be harder on you let it be harder on them.
Maybe instead of asking him decide together on some chores that he will do every week. They may not be done at the exact time you want them but you have to let him do them when he is comfortable. I would give him a room like the bathroom that is his responsibility. At least there you have one room less to worry about.
If you want it done ask him. If you want it done now do it yourself. Sorry that’s the truth. I cook a good portion of our meals and I help my wife keep the house clean. But that started 50 yrs ago with my Dad. He made my brothers and I help mom after dinner so when I got married 29 yrs ago I naturally helped my wife. It caught her off guard because her dad never helped out but he was the bread winner and his wife took care of the inside of home. After 15 yrs you need to suck it up or get ready for a huge fight and maybe the end of your marriage. And the enemy you know might be easier to deal with than the enemy you don’t.
Ask him to pay a maid to do his half of the house keeping.
My man don’t cook either, I don’t mind, because usually it’s ALWAYS my choice so….
One thing I leave up for him though is grilling, so say I get a good deal on some meat I tell him….”hey got a good deal on some steaks, (suggest something) kabobs?….?”, and usually he replies with a “he’ll yeah!, sounds good” or he’ll suggest something else back….
But u can’t be mad if he don’t do the shopping cause usually guys are to obstructed by life to notice an item in the fridge…(unless they cook themselves)
So maybe try that route.
Two, your daughter should never look at a mother of any sort as “a slave” girl neither should you! LOOK AT YOU GO! Clean that damn house girl looks fantastic! Cook that food love, that tasted amazing! Yeehaw mama, you get to witness every milestone and have a stronger bond with your kids!!! Stop putting yourself down! Ik it’s hard sometimes and exhausting all the time but Daymn girl YOU GOT THIS!! Let your daughter know this, notice how strong you are, independent! Your daughter should be proud of her momma and want to give her a hand, out of love! Never ever put yourself down because a man, won’t step in! These things your complaining about are things that need done with or without him….so what really makes you unhappy?
If both of you are working both of you should be doing cooking and cleaning
It’s not too late. “When you know better, you do better!” Renegotiate your terms. If you are not happy…renegotiate. Preferably, without killing him. Things are not fair, what is he willing to do to move the work load more towards 50-50? See what he says. Then write it and post it on the fridge!!
In a long marriage, I had the same situation. The marriage dissolved, and now my two sons grocery shop, do laundry, cook (gourmet too), clean house and share chores. They are a partner in an equal marriage, not another child to raise. Sometimes you have to dissolve the marriage part in order to have your sons learn the basic skills. All children should learn how to prepare a nutritious meal, care for their clothes and surroundings, and be independent. Role model is the best solution.
Sounds like he was that way when you married him, they don’t change, does he do other stuff around the house? Mine repairs the cars, farm work, cuts grass, so I figure we even out the chores in the long run ( I hate to cook too).
30 years, 4 birthed kids and 4 exchange kids. My husband and I used to be this way. I still am with anxiety etc. It took some major soul searching on his part to realize I can’t keep up. Never will. So now when he’s here he helps with everything. He works out of sate so it’s every other week. Most of the time he takes over. He realized he eats in this house and messes it up too. Just do what you can and tell him you can’t do it alone. Start training the kids to help too. Good luck!
Cook for yourself and he can find food for himself
First off have you had this conversation with him? If not, you need to and be direct. You both work, your both tired. I don’t care what he saw growing up… your supposed to be someone he loves and values. And if he does he will change after you talk with him. Not overnight, not without some future arguments I’m sure… but the point is, he will. But you also have to stand your ground. You’ve let this continue for years…. Why? I’m not sure, but now he’s like… well it didn’t bother you before. When he complained about the money for fast food… do you fire back with…”then cook something!!!”? Seems you’ve been way too accommodating for too long. If it were me, we would all be eating pbj for quite a while until he gets his butt in gear. And his chores as well. Trash can overflow so can his dirty laundry! Stand your ground!
Not sure where “a woman’s place is in the kitchen” came from. My dad died and my mom had to work. If I wanted something hot to eat I had to cook it. It became a joy. Fast forward. My wife loves holiday cooking because she’s drinking wine and reading her books. Me and the boys were preparing the feast. My oldest is now a chef at a high end restaurant. My youngest still cooks and his wife is amazed. To the Fan, sucks to be you I guess.
Almost same situation, we have no children together. My daughter’s are grown and he is Pepaw to their babies. We both work, I do the work inside, he does the yard work, I cook all meals, and do all laundry unless I ask him to help or he may offer twice a year. You do get burned out, but you ask yourself, if I don’t do it , who will? If it goes undone for a couple days, maybe he will decide to help out?
If you don’t feel like cooking, don’t cook, he’ll figure something out. I think most men grew up watching Mom do it all inside the home, unless Mom was a single parent, the she did the job of both. Women are just expected to be the care givers, and work too …it will probably never change.
There may be some rare finds out there that will treat women the way some men do in movies,but that’s just in the movies,it’s not reality at all. I think they just set us up for disappointment.
I mean… I am old fashioned but women cook in the kitchen and men cook on the grills and smokers. I know “gender rolls” and all that but I was raised around it. I cook every night unless we grill out or put the food in a smoker. Then I just do sides. 15 years though and you want him to change now? You should have talked about this…… oooohhh about 15 years ago.
Okay have you ever thought of NOT doing any of that and just do something for yourself for once? Like why does love and being together and raising a family automatically mean being subservient? It doesn’t. Stop giving all your energy to someone who acts like it’s nothing to take advantage of it.
Make a chore chart and let him know the days he has to take care of dinner and cleaning. If he doesn’t like it or complains about taking care if his own house and children then he doesn’t have any respect for himself and you need to tell him so.
There was a study done, that concluded men benefit more from marriage than women do. So there’s nothing for you to gsin by continuing to take care of a grown ass person.
Have you tried to calmly have a discussion with your hubby? Maybe he is having depression issues too. Pick up you Bible All answers are in there. Good luck. Have your Son and daughter help out also
It won’t be a problem for me to cook as the woman that been here prefer me to as I do a better job
Asking your husband just once won’t easily get to their mind even if they said they will do it later. We have to keep reminding them 2 to 3 to 4 or maybe even 5 times until they remember they had to do it…men don’t think like us but once they got use to it asking them once or twice u already getting there attention to do what u ask for…as of cooking i am working too but i cooked often my husband knows how to make breakfast but if he cooks just maybe once a month or once a year LOL but it’s not bothering me because i believe it is mostly my responsibility as a wife and a mother to make a food for my family. Plus about husband helping you to do something just like what i said they are not women, they’re not us…if we need them to help us doing something let them know…we have to ask them if they said yes and didn’t move after few minutes ask again and say please and thank you and do not get mad nor yell at them because that will not go well…we have to learn how to handle our husbands without fighting with each other.
Mine won’t cook either and I work a full time job on night shift and a part time job on the weekends so if I don’t cook they can eat whatever they can find
Men seem to like to BBQ so have him grill 2-3 times a week then you make the sides.
My husband was the same way. His mother did everything with a husband, three boys and grandparents. Trust me. It doesn’t change.
Wow so said to hear so many unhappy marriage I thank God every day for may husband of 50 years no he doesn’t cook but he has always support me and our kids in every way I hope we have many more years together
Go to your son’s or relative to get the respect and care Maybe sometime eating take out is what he needs
My husband is similar but I was determined our 4 boys would not be…and they’re not…my husband works physically hard and I work long hours but we just get on.with it…he’ll do other stuff aside form.cooking and cleaning…just talk…sit down together and talk.about it…it’s the only way forward…or go out and discuss it over a nice meal…
So since 15 years you know he doesn’t cook and suddenly it’s a problem? The not cooking is not the real problem. It seems like you don’t feel supported. Sit down with him and tell him that your depression makes it hard for you. He may don’t know it. Then work on getting help for your depression. The cooking is not the problem, find out what the real problem is.
I’m 69 years old and disabled my wife is 66 also disabled. We are a christian family although we didn’t raise our 4 children that way. In the Bible it says that the woman is ruler of the home and is responsible for the home care of the family! We have ruined that by allowing businesses to pay such low wages that it takes two or more incomes to raise a family. When my wife became disabled we had 4 kids at home and thankfully my eldest daughter stepped in and did a lot of the jobs my wife couldn’t do while i worked. Now I do all the cooking, shopping, and transportation for us to appointments and also laundry and cleaning. I helped in the kitchen before she became disabled if she asked me to as the home was her domain and her rule. I don’t know. Your health or your husbands health but a marriage is a give and take and no it isn’t just his job to take out the trash just as its not just you to prepare the meals. My biggest complaint is when she wants something done right now and I’m doing something I like to do or want to do. And a waste basket or kitchen trash basket are designed to be intrusive as we leave them until they are running over when it could have been emptied anytime but is always left until it has to be done. God bless you both but marriage is a two way street so don’t wait for him to sit down to relax and say it full take it out now.
Get a grill and meat with bones in it…men relate to cooking over fire like the cave men did.
Time to protest silently. Just stop doing anything. Do what you can only for yourself and the kids. Dont make a fuss. If he’s asking questions or trying to start an argument, ignore him. You’ve spoken enough. When the house starts looking like a mess and he cant take it anymore then he’ll do something about it or you’ll see his true colours.
Well for one thing lady you need to realize when you say he’s very supportive of your depression no he’s not if he were supportive of your depression he would see that he’s part of it there are no men and women job he is trying to continue to live and raise his children in the world that he was raised in and just like everyone else his age or older that world no longer exists so he’s not supporting you and unless you grow a pair of balls or a backbone or whatever you want to call it and you demand respect and help and show your children you have to be the leader The woman is a strong one just because you don’t have three legs doesn’t mean you not have the brain after all all he has to do is go to work you have to run an empire
He won’t change unless he wants to. He sees no reason to change. Have a heart to heart talk with him and you’ll have to decide what to do after that.
A woman’s attitude is very crucial to any lasting relationship. Whenever you feel a bad one coming on you should make him a nice warm meal, give him oral sex and fetch him a cold beer. That will make you feel better
Wait! You’re saying…I don’t have to cook?!?
It’s been 15 years and he hasn’t changed, guess what he’s not. You either put your foot down or just deal with it
Is it really a problem if it took 15 years? 
I had a husband that did all the house work.
Spanking is in order.
I hate to be the devil’s advocate here, but if you’ve been doing it all for 15 years, then he’s probably not even thinking twice about it. If someone has been doing the same thing for 15 years, I know that I wouldn’t be looking for it to change. You’re Gunna have to actually sit down and have this conversation with him. And don’t expect it to be 180 turn around over night.
My hubby loves to cook
you’ve taught him how to treat you…
Oh no. If you’re both working, everything at the house should be 50/50. Go get em!
I’d stop doing a damn thing.
He isn’t helping your depression or anxiety but adding to it. He’s not a child. He’s your partner. He needs to help.
No problem with him doing dishes cooking cleaning etc… as long as the things he is doing then u are doing for him. Like yard work. Any fixes for the house etc. Storm cleanup etc…etc… snow removal…etc… oh and if he is the bread winner maybe u should think about makeing more money then too… my point is this… everyone has a role on a team. Know ur role. embrace ur role. Sure seems to me like in most cases guy is expected to be the bread winner. So when he isn’t I’ll go along with his role has now changed. He would be the guy cooking unless he doesn’t know how…
50 years and mine never did any of it. Guess I’m the dummy!!
Have a talk with him and explain what you see
He’s doing nothing wrong in my opinion
Read him this post as if it’s about someone else and get his opinion.
Sounds likle its time for you to go on strike 
Thats it you complain he never does it right , so why bother . I help my wife a lot but if I try to do something and she complains I’m done.
Umm you 15 years too late for complaining 
This is both ways actually .
Get rid of that bum girl, find a man that shares your load
- remind him in his childhood home, mom didn’t work and you DO. 2) everyone eats, everyone should contribute to cooking and cleaning. He is contributing to the household in an equal manner.
Well you helped create this monster gif 15 years do deal with it!! Don’t whine now!!!
Make him a to do list
I can relate to this
Suck it up stop ur whining
Cold Cereal and sandwiches
Should be both responsibility
I am in same scenario.
Sounds like my husband
He sounds like a man
Time for ultimatums…
15 years?? It’s just now bothering you? Training the husband starts day 1. Stop doing his laundry. Don’t do the trash. Don’t want to cook. Don’t. Men are like kids. You have to show them the way. Good luck.
Sit down have talk!! Divide chores up. Any help better than non! Every so often do You!! Take Care of Yourself!! Wishing you the Best!!
Be sure you teach your son, as well as your daughter, to cook & clean. Kids like to help their mom when they’re little. If he objects, then you have a deeper problem.
The responsibility of the house is a shared one when he cleans he’s not helping you. It’s his responsibility as well as yours
You shouldnt even have to ask this…it should just be normal for him to help out and help you.my mum used to say…if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life carry on if not change it now…tell him how u feel x
If he is complaining about fast food then tell him to cook then
What can I say? You picked him!!
My husband is the better cook and he expects me to cooks as well, I’m no expert and I do not give advice. My experience is by not cooking great meats/ quick meal’s, my husband is more like to cook at least once/ twice a month. Sometimes I have to ask him to cook Ns it is tough. I ask and that is that, the it for what it is.