Been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years. Out of the 15 years we have been together he has cooked maybe 5-6 times. He knows how to cook but never ever offers or comes in the kitchen to help. If I don’t cook we don’t get a home cooked meal. He resorts to fast food if I’m not in the mood to cook. He later complains about how much money we have spent on fast food. I’ve been dealing with major depression and anxiety and he has been supportive with that. But never offers to help cook, clean, or do anything unless he is asked. When I ask him to take out the garbage or recycling…it will sit there. Even though he says “I’ll do it in a bit.” Asking him to do anything is like pulling teeth. I end up more upset because he doesn’t do it or doesn’t do it right away. I don’t know if it’s old school logic or something. He grew up seeing his father be the bread winner and his Mom did all the cooking and cleaning plus took care of the children. How can I change someone so set in their ways? He always says he is tired but we both work during the day and I’m tired too. I feel so burnt out and tired of doing everything. Why can’t he help!? I don’t know if i wrote this for support or to vent or both- we also have two young children. I don’t want my Son growing up thinking the Woman has to cook/clean/take care of the children and everything else. I don’t want my daughter to think she has to do this either.
I been going through this . This is not my first go around with this mess. Men get complacent and to comfortable when they have a woman thats does everything… it seems like the only women who get the men to do anything are the ones that do nothing. I don’t understand stand why but its getting old real quick…
I went through the same thing with my first husband. He didn’t cook, clean, do laundry, iron his uniforms, etc. When he came home from work he’d get fresh clothes & change in the living room. All his work clothes from outer wear to under wear were left on the floor for me to take care of. I asked him to please put them in the hamper or closet…never happened. I cured it by quitting cleaning up after him because he wasn’t my child. I left it all where he dropped it, quit doing his laundry, etc. I still cooked but he had to get his own servings & wash his own dishes. Of course it offended him till he figured out I was serious. When he decided that he could help & how much work I did for him while he sat there & watched TV he gave in. Made both of our lives a lot easier.
You are not alone. I deal with the same and worse 
only thing i can tell you is alot is how they are raised. I dont know why some men feel a wife is their maid and we should handle everything. Sometimes we make it too easy for them and they get comfortable. I usually end up leaving things where they are for days until he gets the clue. Other than that i can only ask you pray that god changes this in him.
If he doesn’t like to cook I don’t see a problem. I hate cooking and it’s cheaper for me and my son to buy a large meal from the local deli and split it, then to buy ingredients spend time cooking and then watching my leftovers rot away cause I dislike leftovers. I feel more empathetic to the husband I’d be PISSED if my partner expected me to do something I hated on the regular I’d rather leave that person then spend hours on an activity I loath.
I am a SAHM, I don’t mind taking care of our son, doing all the cooking and cleaning. He rarely Cooks… but he definitely has cooked more then 5 or 6 times in our almost 3 yrs of marriage. Grilling mostly but he does do dinner or the occasional breakfast for us all. I dont have an issue with him not helping me… when I need the help, I will ask, and often when he see I’m overwhelmed he is a step ahead on a task for me, which I love. Don’t get me wrong, I have the can you take hw trash out of so such and such for me moments as well… men are just wired differently… I tend to say, You can do this now, or …say before bed or before dinner…if it gets close to that time, I will remind him. He works so much. I am sure to gets everything done during the week, weekends are family time, and I dont do cleaning tasks aside from taking trash or dishes. After 15yrs, I’m sure it’s tough and he is set in ways which is rough… I assume when your needing help you ask?? Because some will not lift a finger unless you yell and scream… which was my ex husband. But you really need to sit down and have a heart to heart about your mental health, for me that is more important then the little tasks building up… But gently boot after you throw the list of tasks he could have helped you with. If able to hire a housekeeper even once to help you catch up do so!! Just to give yourself some express breathing room… 
Explain to him that his lack of help is definitely a contributor to your anxiety and depression and if he actually cares for you he will man up and pick up some of the work load. Because even being “set in his ways” garbage has always been the “man’s job” and if he can’t even do that he is just a lazy human being.
I agree with AshleyHeckart. You should also set chores for the children. They need to be responsible also. Let them know that no job/chore is specific for male/female. Teach / supervise them to cook and allow them to each have a specific day to cook their favorite meals. Let each child go to grocery with you to pick out their special groceries. Give them a reasonable amount to spend for their food, and make a list. Maybe also give dad a day each week to prepare his favorite meal. By doing this it could take some of the load off you. Also teach the children to do their own laundry. That goes for hubby too. Teach the children that cleaning the kitchen after prepping their meal is part of the job. My sons learned early on to do their laundry after I got tired of finding dirty and clean cloths all mixed up and them saying they had nothing clean to wear. They learned fast that I was not going to be cleaning their rooms or doing their laundry. I did do some of their ironing till I was comfortable with them doing their own ironing. I’m proud of the men I have raised to be independent and do their share without having to be told everything. These tips sure helped with my anxiety and lowered my blood pressure. I made a chart with each chore and date it was to be done. My sons also teach their children to be responsible adults.
My husband doesn’t cook and im absolutely fine with that! He does everything else a real Man should be doing and that satisfies my soul!
I tend to believe it isn’t the husband is job to cook, clean etc. Idk maybe im different 
all i ask is for him to be that Man of God and a provider for his family!
Stop expecting the man to read your mind and communicate so many women and men make this mistake, myself included not that long ago!
My husband and I will literally talk out anything we need to be done that week. What I will do and what he will do and when he reaches his days off (bc he pulls 12 hour days) he gets right to the list. He didn’t do this before we got married, ever. He had the old school mindset on roles too but when I’m working - BUDDY YOU’RE HELPING TOO!
I expect everyone that contributed to making the house dirty to help clean it up too. We all live here! My kids are 5 and 7, they even help with getting their dirty clothes down to the wash, vacuuming their own rooms, etc. little things.
It wasn’t until I broke down in tears of being so overwhelmed that I finally had this talk with him. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well and this has sincerely, helped me feel more cared for, understood, and loved.
Also, research the love languages. One of mine just so happens to be “acts of service”. One of the simpler ones! I feel loved knowing my partner supports me and is physically available to help me with just normal everyday things if he sees I didn’t have time to get to it between work, kids, etc. My other love language is physical touch - I need physical reassurance through hugs, just a touch on the arm, just being held, and the works lol but it has heavily impacted my marriage in a positive way, just being able to have these conversations and being knowledgeable on one another’s “love language”.
My husband actually went to a seminar on the love languages back in the early 2000s and man did I think he was full of crap! 
but, once I did my own research….we talked again about what we thought our love languages were and what we thought each other’s were and then we started implementing. Brand new life after that darlin! Best I have, take care of yourself!
I was a stay at home mom, then got a full time job. I had no problem doing everything when I was home (because I was home and able to) but now that I work just as many hours as my fiancé, he assumes it’s still on me to take care of the house, dogs and baby. I stopped doing things for him (his laundry, making his lunch, cleaning up after him) and when he had no clean clothes for work one morning & I told him sorry I work just as much as you, and I went in for over time on the weekend which is when I usually get stuff done. Long story short once I stopped doing stuff and he realized it wasn’t going to get done, he started helping out a little more & asking if I needed anything.
Only thing i can advise is that you hire a housekeeper. If he doesn’t want to do that then u should communicate to him that he needs to step it up around the house. Hope u find some compromise! 
Good luck!
Exactly right!
We are not their maids!!
They should have to share all of it. 
I don’t know the situation personally, so it could be he has old notions about “roles” in a marriage
But, I’ve had the same issue with my husband and i waited until I felt I could keep my emotions mostly in control and I just calmly had a very real talk with him about how I was feeling overwhelmed and depressed and that too much was on me, that I knew he wasn’t doing it on purpose bc I knew he loved me but that he wasn’t recognizing my r noticing that really do need help, his help
Feel for you only me husband does do most of the cooking won’t go out to eat but thinks the rest is up to me. I hate to cook so no cook no eat . A mans job is 50/50. I didn’t marry to be a maid I’m sure you didn’t either good luck 
That sits right at your doorstep. If it’s what you’ve done then why blame him. Get a cleaner and order takeaway….or teach your son how to cook and clean……but you reap what you see 
After 15 years…!!! He’ll never change! Lady, you taking care of another child! LEAVE HIS ASS.
Everything in the home should be equal. My husband works 12 hours a day 5 days a week and still cleans both bathrooms, the kitchen and our bedroom every other day and has never complained about it. I do im home daycare so I clean the rest of the house where the messes are made. Same goes for cooking.
Pray that God will open your husbands eyes enough for him to see you doing it alone is a stressful struggle and he needs to offer support.
I mean if you’ve been with him for 15 years you knew a long time ago this wasn’t his thing. He doesn’t like to cook, heck neither do I. For someone who doesn’t like to cook, cooking takes up a lot of brain space. Try a meal delivery service to make your life easier or decide if it’s really a deal breaker for you 
Stop doing it for him. He sounds like an overgrown spoiled child. Leave his dirty laundry, dirty dishes, etc. Don’t clean up after him. Don’t cater to him. Let him do things for himself. If he still refuses, tell him to go live with his mama and she can take care of him. 
When he grew up, he saw his mom cook & clean and take care of children, BUT… did she work outside the home? If not…therein lays the difference. I’d let him read your post…or read it to him. When you have his full attention. Not when he’s watching tv…
Correction, you have three children! After 15yrs good luck with changing him but you can always try, think you need to put everything out there with him and see what he thinks about how you feel, only then will you know if he’ll change or not but to be quite honest you’ve made a rod for your own back, letting it carry on for soo long, he can’t read your mind so now naturally he expects you to do everything.
I either ask my husband if he can help me with something or I remind myself of all of the things he does for me that I don’t do for him such as new tires when I need them, moving something heavy, checking the oil in my car, mowing the lawn, etc and be grateful for those things.
Question: Have you ASKED him to cook? Communication is so key to any relationship. I tell people that all the time when they ask for advice. He can’t read your mind. If he isn’t asked, how does he KNOW you want him to cook? At least ask, and see what his reaction is. If he says he’s tired, say exactly to him what you’ve said to us. That you’re tired too, and can’t do everything on your own. Sounds like he’s in he habit of sitting back and letting you do it all. Tell him if he doesn’t want to spend $ on fast food, to cook himself! Doesn’t matter how his parents did things - this is a different world now. I personally would not tolerate this.
Have you talked to him how you feel? I tend to do more despite both working full time, (he doesn’t mind a mess but I mind it more) I am teaching the boys to clean up after themselves they need to know it’s not a boy girl thing.
You have to learn to pick your battles, if your husband does most of the lawn care, fixes things that get broke, then the least you can do is fix a meal. After almost 50 years it hasn’t changed except we each do our own laundry now. Now we have modern appliances that help cook a meal all day long so it isn’t that hard to do. Makes for a relaxing day if you can enjoy a meal together without worrying who made it.
Hire a housekeeper! You need help with running a household. If he complains about the expense, calmly explain why. IF and when he starts helping, then and only then try w/o the housekeeper. Yes, it may be expensive; your mental and physical health is beyond price. Good luck
Should go with them long enough see if you like them .my girls use to tell their dad they loved someone and he would say but do you like them?
It’s simple stop cooking & when he resort’s to fast food simply say we don’t have the money for that right now & suggest he make something for y’all for once
Control yourself. That just means simple meals or ordering out.
It’s amazing what some people will do when you stop doing FOR them:joy: I know from experience 
Cook for yourself. Clean for yourself. Tell that kid to get up and do shit for himself 
It sucks just take care of yourself it will be there tomorrow and the next day too
If you’re taking yourself to work he should be taking his ass to the kitchen
Communication is key! Just tell him how you feel. If you argue at least he knows how you feel. Communication!
Same here momma, same boat, except not married
You gotta train these men from jump. You can’t wait fifteen years. That’s simple math.
Communicate calmly and clearly. If he’s still an ass, suggest counseling to have someone help you communicate. Still a dick? You’ve wasted fifteen, don’t waste sixteen.
I do believe women are the caretakers if they are stay at home moms 100% they should do most of the work but if they are both working whatever happens at home needs to be an equal divide between the two… help out or get out 
I’m dealing with this and I’ve only been with my partner for 3 years, I could not and WILL NOT put up with it for 15 years. Holy cow.
Get over it or leave him. He won’t change 
Yall need to sit down and talk.
I feel like in a marriage communication is the biggest thing. If you can’t tell him how you feel there is a bigger problem. Maybe try letting him read your post and ask him not to respond and just think about it for a few days. Maybe he will notice what you do around the house in those few days and then have a conversation.
I’d be inclined to just let him get the fast food whenever you dont feel up to cooking and if he complains tell him he could step in and cook sometimes even if its just canned soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Eventually the penny should drop, although a man who is so insensitive to supporting his wife within the home …well…just don’t hold your breath.
Soooooo many of you women’s issues would be solved if you SUCKED YOUR MANS DICK MORE!!! Women are so clueless sometimes! You want him to cook? SUCK HIS DICK WHILE HE COOKS!!! It’s honestly rather very simple!!! If you refuse to suck how dick, you DONT deserve the food he cooks for you!
Damn that sucks… my husband is the cook in the family so he does the cooking and I help out! Also GIVE YOUR MAN MORE SEX AND SUCK HIS DICK MORE AND HE WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT HIM TO DO!!!