I feel like I know the answer to this question already, but when your heart is involved, these decisions can be very difficult. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 20 years. We have two great kids together. Both are teenagers. From the very beginning, our relationship was a complicated one. I fell in love quickly with a man who I knew was very smart, and unlike anyone else that I had ever met. However, he was very opinionated and headed strong and pretty much had to be right about most things. We fought a lot. I married him anyway despite the warning signs and despite my own parents begging me not to. We’ve had a lot of good times, but most of our relationship has been very difficult. Over time I began to believe that he was a Narcissist. He rarely apologized even though he was clearly wrong. He insulted me more times than I’d like to remember, and at one point, before kids, I felt worthless. I was even considering suicide. I was so in love with this man, but I could never do enough for him. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t dress right. I wasn’t social enough. I didn’t clean the house well enough. So and so’s wife does this, and tha,t and I don’t do those things, but I should be more like her, he’d say. Then we had kids. My kids were my saving grace. They gave me so much purpose! God, I love them more than they’ll ever know. My husband was never a very hands-on Dad. In fact, he was still very selfish, did little to help me with both kids, and acted almost jealous of the attention that I gave them instead of him. He rarely changed a diaper. I didn’t help when they were sick. I was a Stay-At-Home-Mom, so my job was the kids and the house. His job was his job, outside of the house, and almost nothing else. Fast forward to today. He’s been drinking excessively for years. I used to drink too but stopped years ago. I’m so glad that I did. I can’t imagine our kids having to see both parents intoxicated at the same time. Again, I no longer drink. I literally quit cold turkey. I was never an alcoholic, though, thank God. My husband gets drunk regularly, and we end up fighting almost every night as a result. He’s not a fun or a happy drunk. He’s a mean and often verbally abusive drunk. He drinks to the point of passing out nightly, but not before he’s gotten angry about something small and petty. We end up fighting. He’ll end up threatening to leave or will sleep in another room. Last night was the icing on the cake for me. I asked him to leave, which he did. My son is angry with him, and has been hurt by his words for years, but doesn’t want us to divorce. He just wants him to get help. My daughter can’t stand him. She wants us to divorce. I’m more in between. I still love him. I know that he loves us. I just feel like he needs help. He doesn’t see, though, that he has an issue with drinking. He still finds a way to blame all of his alcoholic outbursts on us or on just me. He won’t accept responsibility for his behavior or for his drinking. He won’t even admit that he has a problem. So he packed a few things and left temporarily because I asked him to. He then gives me the pity party story over text and makes it sound as if it’s still my fault and like I am the one who is wrong. I don’t know that I want a divorce. One child wants us to. The other does not. The one who does not want us to divorce is more like me and has a more tender heart. The other child is stronger and has never put up with as much ‘crap’ if you will. I’m still unsure because I love him. I want him to get help. I want him to stop drinking. I want him to see how he is destroying his family and the emotional stability of his own kids. So, what would you recommend that my next step be? I’m scared. I’m unsure of what the future holds. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of no longer having what we have, after being married almost 20 years. I’m simply scared of everything. I’m o,ld enough to know better, but here I sit, like a child…not sure what to do next, except to cry.
Ultimatum time… Quit or ya leave. My stepmonster is on her death bed as we speak. she chose to stay with my alcoholic father and has been bitterly unhappy and neglected. Her anger has been taken out on my sister and me because we’re his kids
I would suggest giving him an ultimatum. Either he gets help with his drinking and emotional issues or you’ll file for divorce. You deserve happiness and your kids deserve not to grow up around his behaviour. If he doesn’t get his act together straight away, file for divorce.
Put it this way what would you tell your daughter if she was being treated that way by her husband. Like you said he probably won’t change. He’s treated you like crap right from the start time to know you and your kids worth
Just know, you aren’t alone. I’d suggest therapy, because you are willing to save the marriage. But if the therapy/counseling doesn’t work, you need to leave. Not just for you, but for your kids. At least you can say you tried. 
I wish you the best and I hope that you can save the marriage and if you can’t, I hope you find strength to leave and be happy again.
You need to consider your own happiness too! I’ve been here unfortunately and the best thing I ever did was leave.
He is never going to change. Because he doesn’t have to. Even leaving him will be hell. Your family has been damaged from the beginning. Good luck
So why would you stay??? What’s the question? Should you allow your children to witness this daily and think this is ok behavior to tolerate from someone you think you love?? Next time he passes out, drag him out in the cold to freeze to death. What in the heck kind of love is this… Gather the strength you need to kick him out
DO you work and can you support the family?
My mother has been a severe alcoholic for most of my life. Just leave. You and your kids will be better off
File for leagle seperation and support, when your son sees the diffrence he may change his mind and you might too.
To be completely candid. He will never change if he doesn’t see his behavior as an issue. It will leave you feeling like crap. This is 100% an abusive situation and, for the sake of both of your children, I would leave. It is horrible growing up and watching that from a child’s perspective. It warps your sense of a healthy relationship and can cause severe anxiety and depression. Good luck mama! I’m sending my love to you and your family
How do you even have love for somebody who disrespects you on a daily basis once you leave I promise you will never settle for that shit ever again I literally have been where you’re with me ex, not only did I Cook and clean all the time I also worked my own job 40+ hours a week to be told I’m not enough, I have to drink because I cant stand you, but when I left he cried and begged and pleaded for me to come back and at this point I was done it was gone the last 7 months of our relationship I slept on the couch I didn’t want to touch him because he wasnt the person I fell in love with in the first place then I knew I had to go! and we do have a daughter together however we do co parent well together but that’s about it.
Just up and leaving a 20 year relationship is easier said than done honestly. If he is willing to get help and actually stick to it then he will need the love and support of his family. Otherwise, you have to consider how you would feel if you witnessed either of your children going through this with their partners…Because essentially, what you’re doing is putting them through this with their father. Tough love I know. But I sense that that is what you are needing and asking for here.
Mama he doesn’t love you. Treating someone the way he treats you… that isn’t love. You haven’t described any happy moments and even said yourself that the entire marriage has been difficult for the most part. Every couple isn’t always 100% but it sounds like you guys aren’t even 50%. Imagine your kids marrying someone like your husband in the future… what would your advice be to them? You said you’re scared of no longer having what you have after 20 years but all you’ve had is abuse. It may or may not be physical but he is abusing you mentally and verbally. He’s made you think the worst of yourself. If he is narcissistic like you say he will never ever see that he is wrong. You have obviously given your husband unconditional love and support and that’s what you’re scared of leaving. But from what you describe he’s never done the same. You deserve so much better for not just you but your children. Show them that being treated like, that isn’t ok. You’re one child asking for you not to divorce is already Thinking that his (your husband) behavior is acceptable. Please mama don’t stay around for more. What happens when his drinking gets too out of hand and he snaps and hurts you or one of your kids?
Demand he go get help, unfortunately he will probably continue especially if it has become a habit or worse, he is an alcoholic. They usually have to hit rock bottom before they quit, and that is too damaging to the family. I would insist he get help or it’s over. You do not want to watch him continue to hurt himself, because his health will decline as well.
can you give them a place to live? if not will have to move in with family-or keep the payments on the house if you own it-if not you will lose everything-you need to get counseling to see if you can work things out
Only he can decide to change. I think a divorce is necessary. Even though your one child doesn’t want it, it cannot continue unless he seeks help and change. And you can’t force a person to do that unfortunately. So your only real option is to remove you and your children from a toxic situation.
My parents are still together in a loveless marriage and I wish they would have divorced. Still do. They are completely miserable and myself and siblings suffered too 
Al-Anon is a group dedicated to helping those who have suffered because of a loved one’s addiction to alcohol. You will get all the help you need there and will be treated with love and compassion, and it is judgement free.
Kick him in the balls
He has to want to change and accept responsibility for his poor behavior! Until he does…nothing will change everything will remain the same! These situations are never easy, but you need to think of the safety and mental issues for yourself and kids. The current situation is toxic for all involved. Good luck
You need a self esteem course, he needs AA & counselling and your family could also benefit from family counselling.
Consider your happiness 1st, happy mom happy kids.
Not to sound bitchy but is this for real? Like you HAVE to ask what you should do??? I didn’t even finish it. Got to “felt like committing suicide” and was like nope time to go.
You’re kinda stuck until you get a job and money on your own. Unless you have someone you can move in with and that will support you.
If you don’t leave, it will teach your kids it’s okay to be treated like that, and okay to treat someone else like that. The kids will realize as they get older it was for the best. Run as fast as you can! -from another mother who was in the same situation.
Sorry this is happening to you momma but alcoholism is real & it kinda sounds to me you still love him it’s just when hes drunk hes a totally different person. I think you need to give him a wake up call gather your children & yourself & move out for a couple of days give him the ultimatum of either divorce or go to counseling if not you & your children will be caught in that non stopping behavior I hope all ends well!!
This is what long term abuse does. Does he need help? absolutely but so do you and the kids. Please get out and get safe, cause you are not.
If your daughter came yo you with this situation, what would you advice be? If your daughter in law came to describing your son with these behaviors, what would you advice be?
Let me get this straight your husband has verbally abused you,and your kids for years,and you put up with it?Had his bs around your kids.So your kids have been put through hell because you’ve not put your foot down?Your kids have suffered and you let it go on.He may love you in his own way,but it sure as heck isn’t healthy.Put your damn foot down,and he either gets help,or he’s gone,plain and simple.You are part of his problem as you excuse it,and keep letting him do as he wishes.It’s called enabling.All of you need therapy,especially your kids,as it is/was your job to protect them,and you didn’t.Do you want your son to grown up like your husband?Or have you daughter marry a pos?
Sounds like the fear of having no income over not having a the man who brings home the income might be your biggest fear. Just know, as I do now…your kids will never fully forgive their childhood taken away because of a paycheck you depended on.
You need to get a job outside te house, 1st and foremost!
It honestly isn’t about what your kids want. It’s about you. Do you want to stay in the type of relationship?
I would have left and taken my kids a long time ago. Kids will eventually come to understand. It may take a while but they will eventually. It took my son 15 years to figure out what type of person his dad truly is. Thus type of relationship is not healthy for any of you. He has been like this for 20 years, he hasnt changed despite your marriage or having children. He most likely never will or he will have to have a major circumstance of life to help him see. I wish you you luck in your finding your decision. And I hope you and your kids can heal from this type of setting
Separate and have the stipulation for ending the separation be that he gets help, both mentally and for alcoholism.
The Man sounds like a raging alcoholic
There is no cure for that. Not even a near death situation will make him stop.Its one of the worst disses their is.Run Lady an don’t look back, you deserve to be happy…hook luck
Leave his sorry ass even b4 he started drinking he put you down that is abuse and the children seen it growing up i left a alcoholic ex after all the crap he put me through and the flowers and shit didnt change nothing you are being verbally abused what next gonna wait for him to hit you it is not your fault he is like that he is just a narcissist who isnt gonna change tell him to stay gone you and your children dont need the abuse yeah you might love him but sit and think of what he did to you and your children and trust me that love will turn into hate and rage and you will be a women vb on a mission to get your life back and you eont be bullied anymore grab that women search ya soul and roar when you find it
Sometimes they have to really realize what they will lose if they don’t get help. What he would lose is you and the kids, I would pack up and leave for a good while to make him see what he will lose and see what you do for him. Stay with family for a month or 2 (may take longer)
I think you know the answer, put yourself and your children first for a change and leave him! sounds like hes done more than enough damage over the years.
i was in your situation for years, the best thing I ever did was leave. the emotional roller coaster he put our kids threw was literally hell. Let me say I really thought it was my fault for a long long time, I learned to understand I have a right to be happy. I didn’t understand the impact it had on our children, never knowing what kind of attitude he would have or what i didn’t do right that day. Its been 22 years since i picked up our 4 kids and left we didn’t have a single thing with us not even my purse, but I will never regret my decision my kids instantly had a weight lifted off them, they improved in school slept better started asking for friends to come over , the list is endless. Your decisions to stay impact them also your decision to leave is up to you but remember what you live through so do they. no on can make the choice for you and people telling you to get help and leave just makes it feel worse. you will wake up one day and they love will have turned to hate, that day ,you will understand exactly what he is doing to your family and how much you want it changed. Also if you are asking this question you are ready to leave just dont know your options yet, ask around contact a lawyer, legal aide empty that bank account and just go someplace safe. put his stuff outside and get a order of protection for you and your children, to keep him away from your home.
You probably need a divorce, but more than that you need to look into codependency and why you tolerated this behavior to begin with.
Narcissists and addicts love codependents, and I’m saying that as someone who was formerly codependent. You don’t just need him to change, you need to change whatever is in you that decided to marry him despite the red flags and tolerate his behavior.
Some people don’t believe they act out until they see it for themselves. Video tape him…then show him. If you have to send it to him. Then do so. He has to want to change. No one can change him but him. You might just have to move on and love him from a distance
Go for counseling, if he is narcissist, there is no cure, really no help. My daughter is going thru this right now, her boyfriend is an alcoholic as well, she will be leaving him when their lease is up. She can’t afford to pay on 2 apartments. I’ll pray for you and good luck
Well I can only speak from my own experience and let me say this first I do not have any children. I was married to somebody for only a few years and he had a problem with alcohol. This was in the late 90s early 2000’s. There were warning signs before we got married people said to me do you know that he drinks a lot and I said no because honestly I had never seen any of the signs. Even after we started living together he was not really drinking. After we got married that is when I saw the alcohol use and all the craziness that went with it. And let me tell you it was a lot of crazy Things that happened that I have never seen in my entire life All do the alcohol. Your story is a little different and that you have children but your children are older. All I can tell you is that I made the decision to leave. In your case you would probably want him to leave. I can tell you that I was much happier getting out of that situation I knew he never intended to change. Even though we didn’,t have children it was a very hard decision but I never regretted it and I never looked back. I know this will be hard for you because you love him but it sounds like this relationship had red flags from the very beginning and if he is not willing to change there was no point in holding onto this relationship
You and your children deserve to live in a home that doesn’t feel like a war zone. I know how hard it is to walk away from the life you have built, but baby steps… Tell your self it doesn’t have to be forever if he’ll get help. But if he doesn’t you WILL be ok without him. And once you find your feet and start making on your own im pretty sure you will see that not only do you not need him, but you don’t really want him back… prayers for you and your family!
find yourself a job and get a life. your kids are not babies anymore. HE has to want to get help , you can’t make him.
All you have to do right now is breathe…
No immediate decisions have to be made. Keep him out and work on you and your children. The choice is his, you cant force it. Just know that you Never have to divorce him if you dont want to, but you dont have to live with that danger either… give him love, friendship, and support. But, stay strong and put you and the children first
As someone who grew up in a household exactly how you are explaining, you need to leave. This will never get better. He will not change until he sees that he has a problem. You can’t make him get help or make him change. Do what is best for you and your children.
If you’d like to talk I’d be glad to help. I’m a case manager in a drug and alcohol detox. I would suggest giving him an ultimatum and if he doesn’t then it’s time to move on. Time is so so short. Life is so short. Don’t waste it with someone who doesn’t treat you properly. There are plenty of resources to help you stay on your feet if you decide to go that route
I’m sorry but I would put my children 1st! His behavior is affecting the children in any negative way he’s got to get help or go.
There is no other options. Because right now he is teaching his children to be abusive narcissists and it will impact their relationships in the future.
Personally I think everyone in the family needs to be in some sort Personal counseling. This right here can leave long lasting affects.
I will always put the love, safety, and mental health of me and my children above the love for a man. Me and my children deserve that and so do you and your children.
I could have written most of this story myself. Not worth staying. Im happy now that im single. My son was very young when we split. Only 3 months old. Hes a great dad and a great friend just not a great husband. Our relationship improved … If you leave yours may too.
He does sound like a narcissist and I doubt he will change unless he is willing to admit he has a problem. Even aside from the drinking he’s made you feel worthless from the start. Read your post again, I know you love him but he makes you so unhappy…
Nothing will change until he’s ready to admit that there’s an issue and make a change. He has to want to it and be willing to do the work. In the meantime, whether your son wants you separated or not it’s not his decision to make, it’s your job to protect those kids from the verbal abuse. Oftentimes, that’s where the abuse starts and then progresses to physical abuse. I would keep clear until he’s willing to get help
A child has no say in what happens to your relationship. U need to leave, like yesterday. He won’t get help unless he wants to n he obviously doesn’t want help
You have 3 options 1 when he comes back and everything goes back to normal and you and the kids are miserable and they will leave home as soon as they can 2. Keep him out and get a job and things will be hard but you and kids will be happier 3 he gets help and everyone gets family counseling to try and rebuild your family.
You need to do what is best for you and the children
Leave… I finally got the balls to- almost 30 years of abuse by an alcoholic!!! God will take care of all… have faith & get out! Been there… life is finally peaceful & good
Leave! While you have the chance and before your kids are completely fucked up!
I didn’t read after you saying you ignored all the warning signs before marriage. I will just say remember your vows. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you both need to work on that.
For the sake of your family you need to leave. You have choices but your kids don’t.
This was the almost exact situation in my family of origin, except my father was also physically abusive to my mother.
What I would suggest is that if he doesn’t agree to (and then follow through) with getting help, you and your children need to leave. You can’t make him better by sheer force of will. He has to want it for himself and for his family. Also, I recommend therapy for you and for your children regardless of what he decides to do.
Just know your not alone but before you walk away from a 20 year marriage just see if he is willing to get help for his drinking I’m married to a Narcissists and he was just like that I did leave and it messed him up he couldn’t handle it and only way I would come back we need marriage therapy and he needed to stop drinking and he has done good we been married 30 years I also got a job and have started feeling human again Sweetie you need a job the kids are old enough you can work during the day that will help you out too
Leave he will never change. My ex went to the point of telling me I’m the reason he drinks but in reality he is a alcoholic. The reason I say that is cuz he still gets drunk daily and in may will be 3 yrs since I left the problem
From a child who’s parents were heavy drinkers DIVORCE HIM NOW. For your own sanity and the kids. He will keep harming yall. Let him get help in his own and do what’s best for kids. Your showing your daughter she has to put up with a man’s bullshit to be loved. YOUR SO WRIBG and teaching a son he can what he eantscsnd a woman will live him SO WRONG GET RID OF HIM NOW
if he’s a narcissist leave him. You can’t fix him. He won’t fix him because he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. Your kids are grown, leave. HE WILL always put the blame on external factors- and that’s not just drinking, it’s everything, and always will be
He might quit drinking but the drinking isn’t the problem. I have the same situation. He makes every financial decision and when I told him I wasnt happy about it he told me to get a job and move out. According to him, I didn’t earn anything taking care of the kids/house for 9 years by myself while he built his business (he is gone for days at a time sometimes and works whenever he wants to). So now I’m trying to work fulltime from home and he still bitches I’m not doing enough around the house, taking care of the kids/house even though I did it for almost a decade and it earned me nothing/no say in anything according to him. He used to drink but stopped a year ago. An asshole’s an asshole, alcohol or not, dont make excuses for him.
This is gonna be hard to hear but I imagine that is why you came here, to get the advice you know you need. You knew at the beginning, you have known for 20 years, and you know now what to do. You are being abused and so are your children. This is not love. You don’t love him, you love the idea of him… meaning, that one day he will see you. Appreciate you. Love you the way you deserve. That he will magically change and become the husband and father you want him to be. That if you stick it out long enough and you continue to love him unconditionally, he will all of a sudden be like “wow this woman deserves the world after enduring all I’ve put her through!” Mamma, it’s to late. 20 years, he knows your not going anywhere and trust me when I tell you the ultimatum won’t scare him into changing. Kids are born not knowing anything. They learn what relationships should be like by watching others, hearing others… you are teaching your children that this is love. Y,ou know the answer. Re-read what you wrote. You said it over and over again. I’m not saying this is easy, you will need to find strength in you, you don’t even know you have. But you deserve to love this one life your given happy. Your kids deserve to be happy. LET HIM GO!! And never look back. Build the life you want, start with learning to love yourself, know your self worth, and fight for her every day. Show your kids what it looks like to fiercely love yourself, so they too can learn too. So they know when they are older, to never allows this to happen to them. Sending love and light your way!!! Be braver then you feel
Really, it’s been 20 years and you still wonder what’s going to happen. Absolutely nothing, he’s not going to change until he really wants to change. Your not going to change him, what you need in spades is self respect. The way I’m reading it you have none, not one bit of self respect. Honestly and I’m sorry for being blunt, you are the reason he does the abusive shit that he does for aslong as hes been doing it. If you don’t demand self-respect, you’ll never receive nor have it. I’m sorry for that, but you need to hear it, and hopefully you’ll turn it around. Stand your ground love, start by having a serious conversation with your children, their old enough to understand. Second get a job, show him you are a strong independent woman who can and will survive by you having enough self respect to live a life without abuse. It’ll be hard, but I’m promise you, your life will be 100% better than it has been in 20 years. Your going to hurt, by your on
Honestly it’s a horrible environment for your kids. Draw a clear line treatment or divorce. An follow through.
Imagine your daughter gets into a relationship like yours. If that thought makes you cringe leave. I refuse to accept anything I wouldn’t want my daughter going through someday and you should too.
It will take something drastic to shake him awake. To lose someone that he loves more than himself. You are in my prayers.
13 years ago I gave my husband an ultimatum. Us or alcohol. I gave him 3 months to clean up then we spent the next 3 month’s in therapy. Obviously it worked. You can only give them a choice. You cannot decide for them. Best of luck with whatever you decide is best for your family
You should look up to see if there is an al-anon group near you. Support for families who have an alcoholic family member
Coming from someone who was with a narcissist and drug addict for 11 yrs
Leave and dont ever look back. So glad I didnt have any kids with my ex.
A child can’t determine anything. But for a child to say they want you to… and coming from parents who fought non stop and I wanted them too. leave… without hesitation I would for either child. Of mine. Unless he quits or gets help he will literally stay the same. Speaking from experience. Hasn’t been better for anyone but so freaking incredible how it changes the love everything.
Nothing will change. Just got Divorced after being married for 19 years & was in the same boat. Get out now, or you’ll be dealing with it forever! Know your worth!!!
Just seperate and see what happens from there and seriously its not up to your kids you make your self happythey are teenagers do you think they are going to ask you later down the track
That is not good for you or the kids.you need to get out of that problem .
Get yourself into alanon and your children into alateen
Please look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Trauma Bonds and Co-dependent relationships. If you choose not to leave, at least you be armed with information to keep your children safe. That being said, you have to decide if the damage being done to your children by his behaviour and drinking is less important than your “love” for him.
If he’s a narcissist, nothing will ever change or get fixed…thats just the sad and ugly truth of it. Narcissist are some of the worst people to ever be involved with…
It’s NOT going to get any better, and your children are learning that this type of relationship is okay, I have 4 children and was married for over 17 years before I made the decision to break it off, it was very hard but so much better
I lived this. I had to realize my happiness was way more important than hangin on to any false hope. It was worth the divorce because now I’m so happy with a man and kids I never could have had.
So what do you love about him, exactly? It sounds like he makes your life miserable and the only reason you’re staying is because you don’t want to lose your lifestyle- Well you get half of everything!
When you know better you do better you have the rest of your life ahead how do you want to spend it once the kids are gone?
Two options: Booze or Family. Give him that ultimatum.
I get your predicament BUT you should never ever involve your children in you decision making. Especially teenagers. Make a decision that is best for your children and yourself and never discuss his downfalls with them. They already know who he is. This is going to be hard on them no matter what you do so make a decision be it now or after the deadline you may give him and stick with it. Your children will respect you more in the long run.
You need to read the article when a narcissist say I love you. It’s a great read for people deciding on a plan
You are exactly where I was 7 years ago just we had 5 kids in the middle of it. It was scary and I did become secretly depressed when it finally happened but the kids helped get me through and it opened my eyes to what kind of man he truly was. He had been out of our lives for about 6 years now (his choice) and we are all better for it. The longer you stay the worse it will get and the drinking isn’t his only problem, he had been abortive to you for a long time and the kids have grown up seeing this. You made him leave now start packing up the rest of his stuff and have him come get it from the yard. You have to end this so you can finally find happiness. He isn’t going to change who he is and you need to have piece and so do your kids.
If you love him yourself and your kids leave him. Because either way . if you leave him one up two things are going to happen. He will figure out that he loves his family more and alcohol and decide to get help . or he will continue to drink and you and your children will be better off without him and happier without him.
As someone who has struggled with addiction i can tell you that you need to lay some ground rules and follow through. Ask him to go get help, or leave. Period. No in betweens. Theres no point in arguing with a man whos brain isnt fully functioning, he either takes the steps to quit, or gets out of your life, end of story. Change is scary but so is staying the same.
I’m going to tell you something, you can’t help anyone that doesn’t want the help. No matter how much you or your children beg him to stop he won’t, because it’s something he likes to do. In all honesty here I think a divorce doesn’t sound like a bad idea, considering all the emotional/verbal abuse you went through. It sounds like my ex, and I was scared to leave but when I did, I never felt so free in my life, like a big weight got taken off my chest. Don’t try and stay together for the kids that’s the worst. You are showing your children it’s okay to be verbally/emotionally abused by staying with him. Your son might get mad if you do decide to split but in time maybe he will understand the reason why. You don’t sound happy at all. It sounds like your trying to hang onto something that died a long time ago.
Hes not a narcissist, a word that used ad nauseam. Hes an alcoholic. And he’s not that smart either.
Hes an opinionated drunk.
Ultimatums dont work with an alcoholic. He has to reach rock bottom. The only power you have is to stand firm and take away his secure home where he’s free to drink to his hearts desire.
If he wants you bad enough, wants his home and kids back, he might quit drinking.
A piece of advice. Quit pulling your kids into this. Like asking them what you should do. The call them emotional incest in recovery. I’ve been through it. 30 days he was inpatient, 60 days aftercare, couples and family counseling. After all was done I found out that he was an asshole sober or drunk. I filed 12/26/91 and have had peace every since.
Get to an Al Anon meeting today! They’ll help you through this.
My husband was/is an alcoholic his hurtful words were always targeted towards me, he always stayed away from the kids while drinking a great father when sober, although my kids did witness some of the verbal abuse towards me I thought it was OK as long as they were left alone, it is never OK! and then one day his words were towards our daughter, He left our home that day Within a week I had signed a new lease on a house that was too small for me and my 3 children and basically a dump. This was also the last day my husband took a drink! He drank because I tolerated it. It took some time and family counseling, but my husband has now been sober 7 years. It has been the best and the bond that he has with our children now makes my heart smile! You can do this! Your kids are your motivation they are your reason! Don’t give up and I will pray for you and your family.
well u seem to have the point.
what’s another 20.years of this going to do?
your kids need you and your scared to be alone.
the time is now.
move out move on and treat those kids better.
drinking for years does make you an alcoholic just like him. at least you learned.
If your brave enough show him this. Your desperation, love and troubled situation should hit him like a ton of bricks IF he’s sober when he reads it. Follow the great advice you’re readers have given you and go to AA meetings. They literally gave
Me the strength to move forward and not look back. I wish you the best it’s definitely the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
First off go to a AAA’s meeting for spouses and loved ones. Then start taking care of yourself. Self love and you sound like you have no self esteem. There is help out there
Make yourself stronger. He has to make the decision to get help himself
Maybe if he sees you are moving forward then he will recognize he has to get himself together and get help
You need to take the first step for you and your kids
They probably could use some self care themselves at this point
One more thing to think about he is doing this because he may have his own demons to work thru. And he has gotten away with it so why should he change
You have to say enough
Your story also sounds like my daughters situation. I don’t know what your finacial concerns are. I know if you have been a stay at home Mom that might be a big concern for you.
With that said Alcoholism effects the whole family. I’m sure you have heard of codependence and I’m pretty sure you are a codependent. Don’t be offended as your in good company. So as some of the other people on here have advised you, go to Alanon. There are Alanon message boards online.
My daughter left because she didnt want her husband to make drinking buddies out of her kids.
I wish you luck as it is harder to make a change sometimes then staying in the situation.
You throw a fucking fit on the daily every time he drinks. Don’t let up. He will decide to make you calm down by quitting or leave to be a drunk who loses his family over alcohol.
I feel like you just wrote my story on here this is crazy. My husband ended up losing his really good job as a trucker, then I kicked him out because he then continued to spiral down hill with his drinking and abuse. So he hit rock bottom. His dad ended up sending him to a recovery detox center where he stayed for 50 days. We visited him on the weekend and we attended counseling every Saturday and sunday he got to visit with our 2 boys. Now things are much better than they were he does have an occasional drink at the weekend after 6 mths sober. Nothing like it was at all. He knows now well.i hope he really knows that I will not go down that bad path with him again. So your situation is hard I totally relate but alot of the the times it really takes them hitting rock bottom and losing everything in order to open their eyes. I am always here if u need to talk please pm me ok.
Been through this. I set clear boundaries and asked him what he loved more, me or the bottle. Told him for us to be together he had to put our relationship first ànd get professional help. He left. For good. Best decision ever.
Stop putting your life on hold, and stop putting it on the line. You deserve better.
I’m not sure it sounds like he ever truly loved you so that’s a false pretense in my opinion. Your son will soon understand and hopefully doesn’t learn to treat a woman the same and think it’s okay for you to stay. It’s not okay. They’re old enough for you to think of yourself.
Every situation is different. Remember that once you have children your life is no longer your own. If your not careful your daughter may end up in the same situation later because it’s “ the norm”. A husband is meant to protect and cherish his wife not use and abuse. I too believed in marriage for better or for worse, until I saw what it was doing to my kids. I finally cut the ties. It was a very hard decision but the best one I ever made. If your husband does not put your needs above his own, if he is not willing to accept he has a problem and get help then he is not worthy of his family. Love him from a distance.