Hi, I have a six-year-old daughter with a guy that left us when she was 15 days old. Never cared about seeing her. I was the one who would send him pictures of her and tell him to go see her… well He got a girlfriend right after we broke up and the girl wanted my daughter with them and made him fight with me about visitations and about my daughter sleeping over at his house so she looked for a lawyer and he started the whole process. We went to court, and he got one day a week and every other weekend with them. I don’t have a problem with his wife, whom he married about two years ago. We have gotten along good, and we have been civil. My problem is that she is the one who does everything to my daughter. He doesn’t do anything to her. The wife has a niece, and he leaves my daughter at her niece’s house to sleep on his time and doesn’t tell me anything. I only knew because my daughter told me the next day when I picked her up from school. Also, I called him Friday night because I had a missed call from him and when I asked him if everything was ok because I had a call from him he said oh it butt-dialed… and I said oh ok how is “blank” he said she went to see my nephew with my wife and it was 9:30 pm and her bedtime is at 9 or 9:30 pm. So I got upset and asked him why she is with his wife instead of being with him and why she’s in the street when she’s supposed to be getting ready to sleep, and he said because I want her to be and because I said so screaming. My shared time is with him, and my daughter is always out with his wife instead of being with him, who I have shared time with. He also has a 14-year-old niece that he told me not long ago that is gonna babysit her overnight when he goes out with the wife… I didn’t agree with that. Also, through the court, we are supposed to ask each other to babysit if we have to go out and not use other people, especially another kid. He wants to go back to court for more time with her if I’m not ok with all this nonsense. Also, I put my daughter in swim lessons, and yesterday she had class, and they took her, so when my daughter was out of the pool, she went and took her to the changing room to change her before I even got a chance to do it. I am the mother!!! I’m i wrong? How would you ladies feel about this whole situation? I want to know if I am overreacting.
Why I understand he should want to spend time with his daughter. It’s nice she wants her. As for the swimming thing not a big deal
So he doesn’t have to follow your “rules” when she’s with him. And his wife is involved with your daughter. Would you rather he have a bitter wife who has nothing to do with her? The swimming thing…stop being petty.
He’s not your husband. SMH. She’s there so yes she’s going to take care of your daughter.
I would say be glad that her stepmom is so good to her and wanting to do things with and for her, HOWEVER her father needs to step up and be a parent and not leave it all on his wife. I would tell him, before we change the visitation you need to follow the one that’s in place and communicate with me better, this is our daughter.
It sucks but at least someone is taking care of her. I don’t think the changing is a big deal, but if it is to you then maybe tell her you’d rather do it.
If he isn’t following the custody agreement take him to court for it. Otherwise there’s nothing you can do unless you can prove abuse/neglect. At least you know there is someone there who takes care of your daughter and steps up for her. As far as the changing thing, that isn’t some random woman changing her. You seem like you are on edge in general with them so you’re nit picking
“My husbands wife takes care of my daughter”
does she mean ex husband? I’m confused 
You know something what she does at her dads is his buisness hes the father he should get more time with her what makes you superior
Unfortunately you are not in charge of what he does with his time… my ex dropped my daughter at grandmas most the time. The judge explained he gets to do what he wants. Unless endangering of course. She is loved… that sounds nice.
I would be thankful he has such an awesome wife who puts your daughter first
I think you are obsessing about this. She will grow up and realize he didn’t do anything. Be thankful she has a step mom that loves her!! Step back and quit digging into what’s going on when she is not with you. She isn’t being abused or mistreated.
I guess I’m not in this kind of situation so I can’t really speak but I personally think you’re overreacting. If my husband and I separated, I’d be overjoyed for my daughter to have another woman who wants to love her and take care of her alongside her father. Don’t look at her as competition… you guys should be all in this together. The babysitting thing you should maybe discuss as if they’re going out, you should probably have her but maybe your daughter enjoys spending time with your ex’s niece.
You should work with the other parent (stepmom) directly. Set some boundaries and enforce them. She’s clearly the one parenting and quite possibly the only reason your daughter has any relationship with her father. Act in the best interests of your child.
Honey be thankful the stepmom is involved and cares about her. It could be the other end if the spectrum.
I don’t see any problem
You can’t control what happens at his house. In my opinion it’s good for your daughter to receive as much love as possible in life. Your ex’s wife can love her too. As long as she’s treating her well then leave it be. He’s taking on the role how he wants to and I doubt he never spends time with her if she’s usually at his house with his wife. Maybe she felt she was helping you by changing her, that’s really a small issue I’d just let it go.
It doesnt matter what goes on in their house. It’s not up to you to tell him how to father.
As long as your daughter is safe is all that matters. You need to move on with your life.
The wife needs to be told the rules and respect them other than that she has an awesome step mom
Leave them alone! You’re being extremely petty
I agree about the part of him leaving a 14 year old in charge overnight. I would not send her for that visit, and if he wants to take that to court, tell the judge his plans and that it’s breaking the custody agreement. As for bedtimes, going out and about with other relatives, and the step mom changing her at swimming when it was their visit, yes, you are not in the right here. Be thankful that if she has to go to visit a Dad who doesn’t really value her, that there’s someone there who does take care of her and is excited to see her.
It sucks but his house his rules. His time his rules. It’s nice his wife want to be apart of your daughters life and she is the step mom, sounds like she is really good to your daughter. And if you put your daughter in swimming or anything else and it runs on there time. It’s there time not yours. I wouldn’t be mad. I’m on both ends of the scale. My son get visitation with his dad and our stepdaughter lives with us week for week. So when she with us it’s our rules and if there is an event when she is with us we take care of everything. Mom is more then welcome to come. But it’s our time when it comes down to it. Not many kids get a step parent that wants them around or is nice to them. So your daughter is a lucky girl. As for baby sitting he should be following the court order but if he dosent then that would be up to you to go back to court on that. But if you nit pick at the court the judge will rule in his favor more thinking your being unresonible.
You are to much in their bussiness especially since you call him your husband lol ypu need to get a life and get out of his harsh but true
Be thankful that her bonus mama is taking care of her if he isn’t.
I totally understand. I listen to my boys talk about their step mom. It’s hurtful because I didn’t ask for a broken home. But it happened so I just keep reminding myself that they are as happy and healthy as possible. You will always be mom. No matter what, but sharing is caring. Good luck. I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts.
Be happy she has a stepmom that cares and made him fight for her, most of these females don’t want their man around their kids or baby mama
His time, his rules. Back off and let him parent before you lose even more time with your child.
My son’s judge tells him he can’t leave them, he has to be present and accountable during his weekend visits.
Whatever she does at her dads is none of your business. My ex went out every wknd he had my son and he was left with my exes mother, nothing i could do about it. Be happy that his wife seems to take good care of your daughter.
Start documenting everything!
And I’m thankful my sons step mom does those things with and for him. Glad she’s caring. U could have someone who isn’t taking care of her. I mean. Sounds ridiculous to me.
Start documenting it all and when you go to court give it to the judge/lawyer whoever! Your her momma!!!
You need to document every thing. Let him take you court and you have dates, times and situations all written down. Also in a nonacusatory way ask your daughter how she feels about staying at her dads place and why she feels the way she does, be it good or bad. You don’t need any surprises in court.
It seems like she really cares for your child. I would be thankful that he has a good wife and not a shitty one. As for the babysitting situation, he has to follow the court orders. At least his wife seems to make a effort for him to be in your childs life. Talk to her about things that concern you bc it seems like he could care less.
Sounds like it’s a marriage-boundary thing in their marriage. I have a family member who’s wife does this to a tee. Some guys don’t do shit and their wives do everything. Sad but true.
I’m a little uneasy with this. I almost sense some grooming or inappropriate behavior on his and his wife’s behalf. They aren’t being civil. They’re toe stepping.
Your husband’s wife?
On his time I think he can do whatever but I agree about the 14 year old if he takes you to court bring that part up but its his time a lot of ppl dont even see there kids so be thankful he gets some time with her
F*** you to anybody who says anything negative. Why should she lose precious time with her child so someone else can babysit her kid.
Try to get as much as you can in writing about the times she goes to the niece or his wife watches her alone, whether text or FB message, email whatever. If he’s not asking you first and it’s part of your custody (which he’ll be in violation of) and accept every single time you can and bring that to your lawyer. Especially if he’s trying to get more time, more time=less money on his end and less effort on his end. No way.
I’m a mom and bonus mom. My daughter’s also have a bonus mom I deal with. Be thankful! It sounds like she loves your daughter. Let them do things their way on their time. Don’t fight it until there is a legit reason too!
You sound jealous and petty
Alot of women here dont understand that the daughter is supposed to SPEND TIME WITH THE DAD. Not the neice or nephew. The. FATHER. And supposed to inform the other parent about babysitters. Yeah. Bring it up in court whats been happening.
You sound bitter. Get over it.
You should bring up the babysitter being 14 yrs old and maybe the bed time depending if it was during school days or weekends it might make a difference. As far as your daughter being with his wife during his visitation times, I don’t think theres much you can do its withing his time. You fant make him grow up if he chooses not to and have his daughter with his wife. The wife is taking of her and for dressing her after swim class that’s a talk maybe you & the wife should speak about since she’s the one with your daughter 99% of the time. If you wish to he the one to go in and dress her just let the wife know since your her mother.
She is being loved, included and cared for.
Maybe keep more in contact with the step mother so you can maintain an open and honest co-parenting relationship. She’s shown she cares more than her father does. Trust her to do what’s right and if something bother you speak to her directly so she understands why.
If you have a problem bring it up to the judge I think dad should take care of their child too. But, do you really know his wife is doing all the work. I would treat her as my own child however I’d make sure he took care of her too. Does that make sense.
For one I dont like the comment " whatever she does at her dads isnt your business" because it is, that is your child and his. I am a “step parent” to 4 amazing children of which I do anything and everything I possibly can for. I love them as if they were my own and yet I am constantly getting crap for “over stepping my boundaries” or some other stuff like that for some ridiculous reasons at times. When in fact I know they have a mother who loves them and whom I’d never try to replace, ever. The way I see it, your daughter has another woman in her life who loves her, cares for her and takes care of her when you can’t due to custody scheduling. As long as she is safe, cared for and loved I would let it be, as you said yourself you two have always gotten along so is she the reason for this post or strictly him? As far as the 14 YO babysitting over night maybe speak to your daughters step mom about this along with your ex and perhaps they can schedule date night for another evening or maybe you can even hang out with her while they go out of you dont like the idea of her being with the 14 YO (which I wouldn’t like the idea of either) plenty of options just dont become a bitter “baby momma” be thankful you have someone to love your baby when you cant be there to do it. 
good luck lady! Hope it all works out.
Be thankful and grow up
I think you’re picking the wrong battle. Really. There is nothing wrong with having two strong women in her life. If the lessons fell on his time then why wouldn’t his wife take your daughter and get her changed? It sounds to me like she loves your child and other than a 14 year old babysitting overnight, I think you need to leave this alone.
I have 9 kids. 3 of my kids visit my ex and he has a girlfriend too. I don’t like her for reasons I won’t get into on Facebook, but I will say she’s well earned this through her own actions and lies. My kids aren’t allowed to be alone with her.
It sounds to me like 1 day per week and every other weekend is a good deal you’ve got going and to disrupt this doesn’t make sense. She’s good to your daughter and not all messed up and a mental health risk…:
You sound jealous like straight up! Why wouldn’t you want a step parent who LOVES your child? You’d rather have one that would rather have nothing to do with your child? Like come on now. I get you want your ex or whatever to spend time with her but you don’t know all the circumstances in their home. He could be working all the time. You are just one of those exes smh
I think the time with the wife is fine. I was the one who did 75% of the stuff for my step daughter. He would no problem. But she always wanted me. We were super close. The baby sitting thing i don’t particularly care for. If it’s in your custody papers , enforce it. Good luck momma. Maybe try talking to wife about that.
Document everything and then take him back to court. The only thing that worries me is the toe stepping during swim and the teenager babysitting when the court states you are to have her instead of an outside babysitter. Be glad that his wife is treating her like her own instead of shunning her, but also shame on your husband for pushing your daughter off on everyone else.
I would be thankful she has someone who loves her more than her dad. With the way the world is today I would be hesitant leaving my kids with a 14 year old. But let the wife spend time with her. It could be the other way around
Right of first refusal. If the other parent needs care for the child for more than 4 hrs the other birth parent is to be called first. It was in my custody agreement. If dad is out all night he would then call you to see if you could keep her not a sitter.
Document everything for court. I understand that your daughter doesn’t spend time with the dad, but his wife is obviously very caring towards her. You can’t control everything, you just have to make sure your daughter is safe. Keep in touch with the wife so she understands where you are coming from too!
14 is old enough to babysit in every state.
The only valid complaint you have is that he hasn’t asked you first to keep your daughter vs getting a babysitter. That doesn’t seem like something I would go to court over. The bed time issue will make you seem overbearing if you bring that to court, same with the step mom helping your daughter change while on dad’s time. I realize you’re not happy because you think all the time must be spent with him but a judge isn’t going to change visitation and make it less with that complaint. Frankly, you need to let some of this bitterness go. It’s not easy. Sometimes you just gotta let it slide off your back. It will make the relationship between all of you much better. I finally learned this and now my ex and I are great friends and our kids are so much happier.
I wouldn’t allow someone I don’t know to babysit. He needs call you an bring her to you .
Wait wait wait …
Ur Husbands wife?
Pitifulness. Some of these posts makes me feel like they’re wanting to live in a fairy tail of Cinderella and wanting an evil step mom for their kids… yikes.
Inform the judge about her being at other people’s houses on her dads time. Some judges will flag that. The child is suppose to be with him. And be glad the wife steps up
She’s being cared for and included. What he does on his time is up to him. Be thankful she does things with her.
When he has your daughter it’s none of your business what they’re are doing. Unless she is being harmed in some way or in danger you need to stay out of it and quit trying to control him. You sound very bitter towards your ex. He doesn’t have to abide by your bedtime when his daughter at visitation with him. Be grateful that his wife is doing such a good job with your daughter, instead of trying to make trouble.
Communicate with them. You’re all supposed to be on the same team. Parent that baby together. All of you. If you can’t sit down and work stuff out, it’ll be a long, hard road for all of you.
I’m the step mom that helps takes care of my husband’s daughter. We have 3 boys together, our daughter is the oldest, and I treat her just like my boys…she’s my daughter. Her mom used to have the same issues. She assumed I did everything and my husband didn’t spend time with her or did anything. We got custody when she was 2. Fast forward…our daughter is now 16, she and I are super close, and she’s just as close to her dad! Don’t assume that he isn’t spending any time with her or taking care of her. He’s probably acting like a normal guy and letting his wife do a lot of the mom duties! He gets to spend his time with her however he wants! He doesn’t have to follow your rules.
Sounds like your more jealous of another women being a mother figure be grateful she’s not an evil step parent and there’s someone more to love your kiddo , what dad does on his time with his wife isn’t for you to decide , I agree the babysitting since it’s in your court order but I still don’t see how that’s worth thousands of dollars to go back to court with a lawyer and personally this part is my opinion but a father DESERVES more then one day a week with His child ESPECIALLY if you live in the same town , this means a whole whopping 4 days a month when you live that close is RIDICULOUS. Sincerely someone that didn’t have a dad that wanted to be in my life and I wish he was , !! Grow up for you ur child’s sake , you should never wish a “bad parent” or “ less involved” parent in your kid, yes I’m a step parent and my daughter has a step parent on dads side and I would never wish someone who “did less” shame on you
Well sounds like she is with great people who care about her and are taking care of her. So what’s to bitch about ? Sorry but Sounds like your jealous. He can do what he wants when she is with him. That includes staying up late, spending time with his family,etc. Also if it was dad’s day at swim then I don’t even understand why you would be upset that wife helped. That is her step daughter’s. Even as much as you hate it. Only thing I would even speak to him about will all this is a babysitter since you should be asked first and not because of age. 14 is old enough to baby sit. Sounds like you have some past issues you need to work out before it affects the child relationship with her other side of the family.
To me it sounds like she wants a daughter which is great that she is taking care of her. I would be frustrated that she took your daughter when she got out of the pool too. Try to talk to her directly and say “Hey I would really appreciate if you follow her schedule that I’ve set up. And let me do the mom things when I’m around or at least do it with me.”
This entire post confuses me.
It’s no different then when you let her have sleep overs on your time. Just because shes on “dad’s” time…doesn’t mean they should be in each other’s face every second.
If the wife loves her and cares for her what’s the real problem?
Alot of times it’s the girl friend who pushes guys to be in their kids lives. My ex did the same thing and when they broke up he quit seeing her all together. If you are uncomfortable with over nights express that when you go back to court because there is no point to keep her over night if they aren’t with her. Make it day visits and returned in the evening. More than likely she just doesn’t want the image that he doesn’t see his kids. Day visits would be best and if hes really violating the order the court will agree.
Shes been in her life for 6 years. And her dad is married to the lady… its her step mom. If ypur daughter is happy and safe , let it be
Honestly from my experience when me and my ex would get my step daughter… he would be off doing other stuff and it was fighting tooth and nail to get him to spend time with his daughter and I eventually gave up I even had two kids with him myself… BUT me and his daughter and her mom have such a good bond even still after I broke up with him… NOW I’m NOT saying he was a shitty father but his lack of priorities were terrible. Unfortunately for you the best you can do is make the best out of it… if you daughter is okay with it so be it then… if it’s only once a week and every other weekend then I dont see the big deal to be honest
Ur husband’s wife? What?
As the judge told very clearly to me and my ex wife, what he does with her on his time is non of your business. I know it’s hard, my kids go thru hell the little they visit their mom, but there is nothing I can do. It’s her time with them. Just like she has no say with me. Joint is joint. He has a part in babysitter decisions and bedtimes too. Be happy he found someone who loves her so much. After a line of losers my ex wife found a man that is great with my kids. Be grateful, he could be leaving her alone with anyone and chasing slurs at the bar. You have a good situation. If you go back to court, it wont get better. It doesn’t get any better. Be grateful.
From what I read the wife has known her just as long as the husband. If your daughter hasn’t complained about anything then she is obviously taking care of her. Honeslty I just think your overreacting. If you’re civil with her and dont have a problem then dont make something out of nothing. For the babysitting thing ask the court to make that a rule she comes home when needed to be watched. The sleep over thing would be the same thing as if it’s your time. I just dont see any problem good luck!
Be thankful your daughter has a woman who cares for her.
Your husband’s wife?
Enjoy the help , let her take care of your daughter on their time , it’s his time if he wants to give it to her then that’s on him. But it’s great that she wants your daughter around and isn’t afraid to tend to her , that’s a blessing. I went through same but with my in laws and I felt same way and now I’m like it’s just a blessing that was in disguise and now I’m like have him as much as you’d like but on your time not mine . You know?
My husband’s wife takes care of my daughter??? Am I missing something? Couldn’t get past the first sentence… wow.
Ur overreacting. It’s been 6 years. She’s not new and at least she cares and isn’t an evil stop mom. Secondly what happens when she is at dads house isn’t ur concern. If he wants to put her to bed at midnight u have no say even if u don’t agree. Not sure about the husband thing maybe that was a mistype. He isn’t ur husband and doesn’t sound like he ever was.
My daughter has a WONDERFUL stepmom and I thank God for her. I would just say, be happy that it isn’t the other way around ( like she won’t let him see the child or be the child’s life). As for the 14 year old baby sitter, ask to meet her? She might be a wonderful sitter. Just my thoughts. Good luck
So I think I know the issue. First off I dont think you have any issues with the wife. The swimming lessons thing let that go or maybe tell her hey i appreciate everything you do for her but when I’m there let me do it. Babysitting thing i would bring it up to maybe her and not him. You and him both seems kinda better over the entire situation. Suggestion. Everyone’s parenting style is different just cause you have rules doent mean they have the same. And I would bring it more to documentation for how he isnt spending time with her but if shes old enough one day shes gonna realize who was there for her and who wasnt why not have the step mom being part of that she will realize dad wasnt there. Just cause you sit on the couch doesnt mean you are there for a child.
I disagree- where is the DAD in the picture? Pushing the stepmom 2 care for the child? What a copout
Girl, you wore me out with the pettiness damn. I had one of you in my life got rid of kid ex-husband and no more nonsense.
There is the first right of refusal. If your ex is not going to be the person with your daughter, he is supposed to ask you if you would like to have her, instead of his wife, a babysitter, or anyone else. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to enforce, because you can’t prove what’s going on at his house every minute of every day that is his time. Look up parenting guidelines and search for first right of refusal. You can send him the information and hope he complies without involving the mess of court.
I think it’s normal. Shes a second mom to her. Sounds healthy to me.
Unless she’s in danger, LET IT GO. The stepmom loves your kid. Be thankful and mind your own business. 💁
You are not wrong go to court
honestly if you don’t have any issues with his wife then let her be step mom. yes it sucks that ur ex isn’t spending time with your daughter. but in the end your daughter will be the one to see on her own who is doing what for her and probably grow to despise her dad in a way. sounds to me like his wife is making him pick up pieces of his life that he should have to begin with. kudos to her. I would personally obviously make sure she is properly cared for but you don’t want her to grow to despise you for taking dad out of the pic more than he is already. bring all your concerns up in court and go from there. be open with the stepmom too.
I always read these and wish we could hear the other side of the story.
If the swim lessons happened on their time then you have no reason to complain about her taking her to change. Sounds like you’ve got primary custody and he only gets visitation so just…
Chill? Seriously. Chill.
She is not the parent,He is,he should want to be apart of her raising,I’m a dad and I couldn’t imagine not being there,and I still feel like I missed out.there only little once you know. I’m just voicing my opinion
I feel you’re overreacting.
If you’re civil with this woman, I think it’s a good idea to stick with that and build a healthy co-parenting relationship with them. You have no idea how amazing that will be in the long run.
My stepchildren have an amazing mother. She encouraged them to love me and respect me.
Now, their mother and I are very close friends and my step kiddos are beautiful grown adults that love their big family.
If you’re ex husband isn’t making time for his daughter, don’t worry about that. Be glad she has a bonus mom that loves and cares for her. You can’t force parents to spend time with their kids. But you can enable healthy relationships while you’re children are in someone else’s care.
I wish you the best.
I’d only be upset with the babysitting arrangements since the court states otherwise. N if it’s a school night that he have her on during the week try talking to the stepmom about getting her to bed earlier. Everything else is good being as she is well taken care of.
Uh. It takes a village to raise a baby and be glad your ex has another woman who is more than willing to be an extra mom figure…
Take him to court. Hes the dad and wanted her there, but now not spending any time with her. I’d be damned if I let my daughter go there at all. If the dad was envoled no problem but hes not.
The 1st thing that caught my eye w your post, not including the part where you state ‘my husband’s wife’, is where you say ‘he left US’ when she was 15 days old… ummm nope!! He left YOU when she was 15 days old. Feelings change & people break up - it sucks but that’s life. You definitely seem to be over reacting IMO. You’re actually complaining because your daughter’s stepmom helped her change after her swimming lessons 
Instead of grasping at straws & looking for reasons to take away the limited time they get w the kid, be thankful that she has what appears to be a good stepmom who loves her & cares about her.
You’re upset because the stepmom loves her? They say there’s a first time for everything and this must be it for this situation.
Relax and let the stepmom step up. 