My in-laws are driving me crazy! My MIL just retired, and her husband doesn’t work! They really are great, but they come over ALL THE TIME! With no heads up, no asking if we’re busy, no question if we’re even home! We live over an hour away from them! While I absolutely love them, some days I just wanna relax at home! For family events, I invite people over at a certain time for a reason! My BIL doesn’t speak to them no longer because his wife won’t allow him or his six kids to see them! It’s crazy, so I feel bad for them! And in no way will ever take their grandkids away like that, but I’ve asked my husband to say something to them! To give a heads up when they’re on their way, & on family event days, to ask them not to show up 3 hours early! I really don’t think that’s asking too much, but he says it’s rude! But I’m at my wit’s end and don’t know what else to do! Any advice is appreciated! And just to be clear, I do love my in-laws, & they are wonderful grandparents to my kids; I know I’m very blessed! Am I just being too petty?
You are not in any way wrong for feeling that way
Needing personal space isn’t petty your man needs to have a gentle word or just lock your door 
So family events! Give them a time with that 3 hr span so they show up with all the others😁
That would kill me lol No advice just some support that you’re not wrong for feeling that way. My daughter lives 20 minutes away and I’m not driving over and risking her not being home. My MIL lives in another country so I can’t relate.
Not petty at all. Honestly, I’m sure they’d appreciate you talking to them instead of your husband! Just tell them how you feel, and that it isn’t a personal thing or meant to offend them, that you appreciate them and how amazing they are, but you feel more comfortable if they considered you and your time. Sometimes you have to do it that way.
Your not wrong in feeling that way. I would politely ask them to talk to you or ask you when the best time for you for them to come visit. Especially with them being an hour away.
No you’re not wrong! Your husband needs to set boundaries with them!
Your not wrong in the slightest but please grab every moment you can as I don’t get that kinda relationship with my own parents! And well I won’t go into detail as I would be here all day, but your man needs to step and show you some support and give them a gentle talking to xx
Yes you are being very petty as you put it and also very rude you should be glad they wont to be in ya’ll life and do come see y’all because most in laws dont even make the effort to see the married kids and grand kids and if they didnt come to see y’all they would be the worst so I say to you you should be ashamed of yourself for even asking your husband to tell them to call before they come you can’t have the cake and eat it to 
You’re not wrong. Have the husband communicate that 
But back in their days, it really was just like that… “Show up, doors open policy” especially for loved ones.
I don’t think you’re being petty. Healthy boundaries are important and okay to have. I don’t think you’re asking for much. Just a little communication and a little respect.
For the family events, it’s honestly easier to plan that you’ll have early guests and start a list of things they can do to help. Even if that’s keeping an eye on the kids or running the vacuum. For the average weekend, have an escape plan at the ready, and say “darn, I was just heading out for groceries/ mani pedi/ target run, if you’d let me know you were coming I would have planned around it.”Whatever. Just answer the door like you were getting ready to head out. Either they want to be a frequent fixture in your home and don’t mind pitching in folding laundry or starting dinner, or they want to be a guest and therefore need to follow protocol and wait for an invitation or arrangement for visiting. Either way you should not feel guilty standing up for your time at home.
I would approach them myself, starting off with telling them how much you love them, then say that you really need to have a heads up when they plan to visit before they leave because you don’t want them to drive all the way to your home when you might have other plans, also you need to be able to plan meals and would really prefer at to know they want to visit at least a day ahead of time. Also tell them you don’t want them arriving more than half an hour before the time you give them, unless they are arriving so early to try to help, put them to work if it is a big family dinner have your mother-in-law help with the food prep and cooking. Also keep in mind they are old and won’t live forever. Be glad your kids get to know their grandparents many of us grew up without grandparents.
Let them come.
Put them to work, are there things you’d like to have done but don’t really have time?
Like clean out the fridge or the linen closet, replace lightbulbs, your kids need to study…
They are needing to feel useful!
It is okay to set boundaries, like please call before you come or let’s do only Tuesday and Thursday.
Have you ever watched Everybody loves Raymond
Not petty, no one wants people in their house all the time.
I have a question, is this how your family does things? Does your mom and dad, sisters, brothers call before they show up? Just wondering how your family is.
I wouldn’t complain at all. They WANT to be involved. They WANT to see your family. A lot of parents/grandparents aren’t involved at all. Enjoy it, because one day they will be gone and you’ll wish they were still around to “pop in”.
Boundaries are a healthy thing not Petty
Maybe you could have them watch the kids for you while you guys go have some time together
If its bugging you that much and your wife to there son
You have every right to say something
But in a nice way maybe go out for dinner and talk about boundaries
You’re definitely not being rude or mean or petty at all! It’s perfectly normal to have boundaries and they should be expected to adhere to them. Your house your rules, if you talk to them and they don’t respect it then just don’t let them inside when they show up
I told my mother in law that shes welcomed any time 
she calls and asks if we are home but she doesn’t have too.
I have a house rules that my entire family and his if you dint call first my door will remained locked. Because if I got stuff to do i don’t have time to be sitting around chit chatting.but I’ve been like this forever I dont like people just showing up.
Talk to them. They may be his parents but they are yours too.
I don’t find it petty; but I work from home so turning up unannounced or early would damage my business.
While agree with them just showing up at anything can be frustrating you maybe you can find a nice way to bring bring up… as for family events showing up early shouldn’t be a problem…
Nope, petty would be asking your family to start doing the same to see if then he gets it.
2 choices… 1)sit down and kindly tell them that they need to call first to see if is a good time to visit 2) hide and don’t answer the door lol
It’s not just your families home, it’s also your safe place to unwind when you can. Do not feel guilty for wanting healthy boundaries. Maybe suggest planned things yourself so they feel more secure in their relationship with you guys.
Maybe talk to them yourself but be grateful they come over mine lives across the street and hasn’t spent time with my kids since 4th july. My parents or sister show up when ever
Cut off the lights and lock the door 
My kids grandparents live literally 4 minutes away from us…and they don’t care to stop by. So I’d feel grateful that they want to be so involved. But I also like my space, so they’d have to learn some boundaries.
Girl I’d just tell them if your husband won’t! Just be like hey do you mind letting us know when you wanna come our way so you don’t waste an hr when we are busy
Definitely not rude, although they may get offended anyway. Everyone has different relationships with in-laws. Even though they mean well, doesn’t mean they can show up anytime. Hubby needs to say something, if not, you do it.
Start having sex in front of the door… right when they come in…better idea get a motion sensor that goes off and has sex sounds attached to it
I disagree with Amy Carroll there is nothing petty about wanting a heads up. If your husband isnt comfortable talk to them yourselves. We are not living in the same world that our parents raised us in. Families are often overscheduled, on the road for multiple children’s events and the little bit of time we have at home can be very precious. Having that heads up allows you to sort your house out, prepare your time while waiting for them to arrive so you are not feeling stretched by them coming and can enjoy having them. They may still arrive early when they come for a family event, but even if you can get a heads up before they drive over at least then you can feel like they are walking into the home you want to show them not in the middle of what you may feel is family chaos lol, and if you are scheduled to be somewhere can say shoot we are just packing up to head to such and such how about we get together on this day instead. I agree with Ellen Osborne Wood plan for them to be early at family events and give them a task to help with, that’s likely why they are coming early is because they want to help.
Nope not wrong boundaries are important
You are not rude. Asking for a heads up is not asking too much. It is awesome that they want to be involved in your lives(my inlaws passed away in Nov of 16 and May of 17 And I miss them so much!) Sit with your mother inlaw and have a conversation. Explain how you are feeling she truly may have no idea. Just be kind.
No, you’re not petty, but, since they live a distance, on family event days have a veggie tray or cheese & crackers available. Say, please help yourselves and enjoy the rest of the family while I get things ready for our get-together. Otherwise, let them know a head’s up would be so appreciated when they’re coming.
Sounds like MIL being retired just has more free time and doesnt know how to fill it other than hanging out. Let her enjoy it for a while. Then maybe look for things she likes or might like to keep her busy and mention them in a not so subtle way🤷
otherwise, you might just have to explain it, nicely that you’d enjoy having them but too please call first. It seems like you have a pretty good relationship with her she’ll probably understand.
Be naked on the couch one time when they come over unannounced. That will take care of the problem
My thing is if you want them to call first than you should kindly say something don’t expect the husband to do it just cause it’s his parents if you want respect for them to call first than you should be respectful enough for you yourself to say something to them about it
Are they bored? Sounds like they don’t know what to do with themselves and glom onto you for lack of anything better to do.
Maybe get them interested in a cause of some kind: animal rights, politics, human rights, stream clean up, food bank, Big Brother/Sister, coaching or other help for Boys and Girls Clubs, American Legion, mentoring, etc. Tell their religious institution they are available to help with anything so they can call your in-laws to get them involved. Don’t they have friends? Maybe give their friends and acquaintances or other family members a nudge to contact them by phone or zoom or to invite them to social distance outside somewhere.
Gift them with a class in art, foreign language, cooking, T’ai Chi, armchair travel, computer skills, music, or an academic course (online for now): whatever you think might interest them. Or get them a pass to a local park or rec center (you can reserve a swim lane or stationary bike at some) or tennis/pickle ball, snowshoeing, golf or other lessons.
Or get them a cat or a puppy from the shelter if they’re not allergic and are able to care for it. That will keep them busy, healthy from walks, and they can’t stay too long because of feedings—unless you think they’d bring the animal along to visit you. Yikes!
Your husband is wrong but clearly he has no intention of taking any action; I’m sorry. You will have to take action. Everyone needs time to veg out, bond with their kids, have sexy time, go to bed early, take care of your body.
Do you think they’d be amenable to coming over for set times each week? That way you could say, Tuesday and Thursday evenings for 4 hours and Sunday afternoons from 2-6. That way you could be prepared to welcome them but you’d have your privacy and boundaries too.
I agree it is rude they should always be welcome… one day they wont be there then you will miss them
You need to stand your ground. Set clear boundaries with them and discuss with DH that u need those boundaries. I went through the same thing with a MIL and it took quite a while for her to stop just showing up. Just tell them straight up to please call or text to see if its ok before showing up. Say it gives you anxiety to have people show up unannounced or something.
Wow…my door is always open to my family
Have them come once a week to watch the kids while you & your hubby go out on a date! That will give them something to look forward to & maybe they won’t stop by as often if there’s something planned weekly! Just an idea!
Just saying you’ll miss the unannounced visits when they are gone
I do understand how you feel. However if they are good to you and your kids just know on the days you are hosting a special event they will come early and plan accordingly. Having said your husband should ask them to call to let you know they are coming. The thing is they won’t be around forever and I feel the more people that love your kids the better. From my experience you blink and everyone’s gone. Love on them while they are here.
I would personally say something. I think it’s rude to just show up unannounced all the time. Especially if it is all the time. You need your time too and your own family time too. Asking to let you know shouldn’t be a big deal.
Okay so I’m here to say my MIL would come by unannounced and i finally told her she couldn’t do that anymore. She passed away 2 years ago at a young age, while I miss her…I don’t miss the rude unannounced visits.
It’s called communication and no one is doing it. If your husband doesn’t do I’d ask them if for theirs and your convenience to please give a heads up. Then slowly work your way up to keeping to the set times. If you don’t want to just come out and say all this to the in laws put it ask a sanario that a friend has happening to them and has asked for advice.
It’s not rude. Your entitled to some home comfort.
If your husband won’t say anything then go somewhere, just you. Go get your nails or hair done. Lay in the tanner- it’s soo relaxing ! Or go to your best friends and ask of you guys can just take a nap lol - im guilty of this- best time spent w her too!
My point- allow your kids n hubs to see em and go get your relax time. Your choices and boundaries are starting to get walked on and before too long they’ll take it all.
… Have your husband suggest they find a hobby that they can maybe pick the grandkids up ?
Having healthy boundaries is a good thing. So is privacy. I’d work on boundaries and honouring your feelings. Visits are invite only.
Lucky lady.some of us dont have many ppl that care in our lifes.
I personally don’t like visits lol. In your case, why not make a schedule? Like every other weekend or something?
You have a right to be irritated. I think boundaries and basic manners are important for anyone no matter who they are. They should at least be calling to check and see if its okay if they come by first!
Not petty or rude.
Yea they sound like great grandparents and inlaws but you also deserve space and to be able to just chill in your own home. Calling before just showing up is definitely a must
I agree with the schedule, maybe say we have a busy week coming up, but you’re welvome to visit on______ and then if that works say you want to make it a weekly meeting day? And hopefully they’ll get the message.
If not I’d have another chatbwith your hubby. He needs to realise the effect it having on you too. Otherwise perhaps you could approach the subject with them yourself
Just say to them hey I understand you want to hang out and come around alot to hang out to spend time as a big family and that’s amazing. for future though please let me know when you’re planning on coming over as we do need our own time to ourselves and may have plans the time or day you plan to come over.
What I would give to have someone love me like that. They show up 3 hrs early? At least they show up
Time is precious and people don’t live forever enjoy them while they’re here
Definitely not rude. I hate unannounced visitors and will not let them in, in certain circumstances. I’ve even gotten to the stage of saying sorry we have gastro. Heads up would be nice… And close the door… But don’t rely on your husband to do your talking. Do it yourself.
He’s probably not home often anyway to care… Or while it happens… So won’t bother him…
Boundaries gotta start somewhere
Then if your husband won’t say anything maybe you should. I think it’s great you get along great with your in - laws so you should at least try.
Just make a schedule with them. I would say like okay every Sunday or something make dinner have the whole day planned with them. And just say please let me know when ur stopping by so the kids know and Make sure I don’t have any plans. It’s better to let them know and just tel them. It’s not mean at all it’s not like ur telling them not to ever come
no you’re not being petty, especially if you want to clean up before your in laws come over.
Set boundaries ahead of time. And make sure that they are clearly communicated to the in-laws.
The in-laws did this to their other son. He hated it. So him and his wife would say “I wish you had called we have a party to go to!” Or we’re visiting another family member BYE see ya later.
My in laws did this. They lived 4 hours away and would just show up and expect to stay for like 3 days
I didn’t even go to hubby. I told his bat shit crazy mother to call first, at least 24 hours notice, and to wait until we (me and hubs) agreed to the visit. If she didn’t, I wouldn’t answer the door and she would spend 8 hours diving that day
Just tell her.
I set boundaries with my MIL, she was single and lived alone. She lived in our neighborhood at one point. She completely understood after I had to be the one to talk to her. She turned into the biggest help for us. It was a complete switch. Boy, do I miss her!!!
Hate unexpected or unannounced guests, have the decency to call/text in advance to make sure it’s ok, that your not busy, or out, or time to tidy up, or just not in the mood for company.
Not at all. I need my space and alone time too. Sometimes I find it easier With difficult conversations to write a letter. Maybe do that?
My brother and his wife said call first let us know when you’re coming and we can let you know if we’re busy or if it’s a good time my mother always does that but also doesn’t fully understand for some reason, always text him like two days before I come first and he lets me know if it’s ok or not and I accept it either way, because they got kids they got a life they’re busy doing stuff they can’t constantly be entertaining people, you going to need to remind your in-laws that when they were younger and had little kids you know.
You need to set boundaries. How ever you choose to do that is fine. But set them. Nothing that can be misconstrued.
tough spot but I think it’s his responsibility .!they’re his parents
I let my fiances family know from the moment he and I moved in together they are to ask or at least give us a heads up before they come over or they wont be allowed in the house. At first they didnt like that but they didnt like showing up to my house and me shutting the door on them even more. Now if it was an emergency or they needed something yeah sure that’s fine. But do not just swing by because you feel like it. At least tell me and make sure I’m up for company.
Sounds like there are major boundary issues here. I wouldn’t be so quick to throw the SIL under the bus for not wanting to have them involved in their life, because there’s probably a reason for it.
Set clear boundaries. Even if your husband thinks its rude, you are allowed to have boundaries.
Simply tell them, you enjoy them, love seeing them but would appreciate a phone call before they decide to just hope in the car to drop in.
Umm, no it’s not rude to ask people to not just show up at your house uninvited. It’s super rude of them for doing it. Definitely need to set some boundaries there.
That’s crazy my mom lives 5 mins away and always calls or texts first to ask if ok to stop by there are boundaries you need to set them. I don’t think asking them to call ahead is asking too much.
Why not just sit down and talk to them about it. Not saying anything to them could make it worse and then u will get from them…well why didnt u say anything to us…your husband needs to grow some balls and talk to them unless hes afraid to anger them…or u could pull aside one of them the one who u think is more reasonable and talk to them about it…sometimes talking to one about it they can usually convince the other one.
Well you could track their ohone like you do with kids or, even better, put them to work when they show up. Have them supervise the kids cleaning their rooms, doing a craft, babysitting while you run an errand without supervision.
That would be horrible. I would insist your husband takes it up with them. It would still be awkward for you afterwards though. Could you say something like, since you drive an hour to get here, can you call beforehand? I would hate for you to drive all this way and us not be home. Maybe they’ll get the hint. 
The only other thing I can think of is having them think they caught you and your husband in a very private moment. 
Maybe they’ll be too embarrassed to ever show up announced again.
Yes I never had boundaries loved to see them whenever they showed up with or without notice now there gone and are dearly missed
Lol share her location with yourself and anytime you see her en route, leave! Maybe she will start to think to call first! kidding, kind of?
Totally say smthing!
I used to have this problem before. What I did was, I let them in the house but I go over with what I needed to do for the day. Even the lunch or dinner I did not make it special or anything. When I needed to leave I had to tell them I need to lock the doors behind me because I dunno if they will be gone when I am gone. So I said please next time tell me if you are coming over because I cannot entertain you because I have plans ahead of time and today is my children’s appointment with the dentist. They have no choice but to leave early. Then whenever they want to come over they call if its okay.
You are not petty. I’ve always said I love company - but you must call first or you won’t get in the door. If your husband won’t say anything - you must say it.
Your husband needs to fix this.
You could always talk to them yourself. Set some clear boundaries and just explain that you love them etc. but you need time and space on your own sometimes too
If your husband won’t say anything then you may need to be the one that does. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and can be awkward but if they’re really invading your space that much and you don’t like it then this is the only way. Maybe they don’t think what they’re doing is wrong or maybe they think they’re helping you out when they visit instead of considering the inconvenience it may be.
I’m not at all saying your situation could be worse but there are a lot of people that wish they had in-laws that willing to be involved.
Talk to them. They’re probably a little worried but let them know how you feel about them being great people. Tell them how you are blessed to have them in your lives. Then tell what’s on your mind. Lily hey we absolutely love y’all and feel so blessed to have y’all in our lives. Our kids are even more blessed because they have grandparents like y’all. I enjoy y’all being here but there are family things we do together and sometimes when y’all come over and we don’t know your coming it makes it hard to do the things we planned. Don’t get me wrong we are not saying don’t come but if you could give us some notice we can let you know what we’re doing and make plans for a better day.
Then let them know how important it is that they get to spend time with y’all but make plans so that you’re able to plan the time for things to do as a whole family. Tell them you would also like to make plans with them so that they can do things with the kids like them taking them out some where. Call it something like kids day with grandma and grandpa. With them just retired they probably don’t know how to spend the extra time they have. Reassuring them and making it more special when you plan ahead would be a great way to be even closer.
I would just start asking them to help, they have the free time…laundry? Grocery list?
Yes - a heads up is nice of course. But be glad they want to be in yr lives and r nice. I had no one and never any help. So while yrs may be a pain at least they r a nice pain. Perhaps one time they arrive too early or unexpected have yr husband turn them away for a while as u r just leaving r have a prior commitment??? Sort of give them a hint to call ahead ???
Are they Italian? Lol Italians have zero boundaries
How long have they been doing this? How often? What do they expect of you when they come? Realize at beginning of retirement, a person goes through a time of “finding herself” and setting new dreams for life. you may be filling that void right now, and it may subside in the future. Did their parents do similarly? It could be that in their families, extended family stops by for visits randomly, not worried about if you aren’t home or have to go somewhere. They just enjoy the outing. Are you expected to drop everything you’re doing to entertain them? Or would they be fine just being in the living room watching tv while you go on doing what you were doing? My grandparents would stop by and if we were home, come in for a visit. mom would serve coffee and sandwiches and/or snacks. I’d give anything to spend an evening like that again. I know their friends would similarly stop over to visit after chores (farms). I’d say if there’s a way you can find to make it endurable, do what you can to accept it. One day you will long for their visits. Trust me, life is short.
Shame on you all, someday they will be gone and all you will have are the memories of their impromptu visits…
It’s not rude. Boundaries are important
They are old and won’t be around for long let them come when they want nothing last forever they will be gone one day and you will miss it.