Have two little boys, split up with their dad January 2021. A lot went on in our relationship but the cause of me asking him to leave was because at the time he was smoking a lot of marijuana due to having sciatica - he said it helped. I found that it made him become a different person when he used it and I didn't like that. He was also struggling with his mental health at the time too. I know since he's left he has got medication for it and I don't believe he smokes anymore as he had a surgery to help the sciatica.
When I asked him to leave I told him I wanted him to sort himself out if he cared about us. My feelings ended up changing and I got into a new relationship. I made the effort each and every day to continue for him to be involved in his children’s lives but he made it very difficult (unsure if because of his state of mind or whether it was because he was upset I was in a new relationship).
The person who I got into a relationship with is amazing in many ways - helps me if there is ever a problem, helped me get back on my feet after their dad had left. But one major issue I have with him is his level of paranoia. I understand what it’s like to be cheated on etc and I know what it can do to you. But it goes to extremes… I have to always leave my phone in sight for him to see, I have to stand a certain way when I am using it otherwise if he cannot see he immediately believes I am shielding it from him and hiding something. I’ve cut ties with several good friends of mine - one of which I’d been best friends with for 10 years who was a dear friend of my brothers who died in 2012. If I go to a different room without him and I take my phone with me he sees this as suspicious too. When really all I wanted to do was go sit down in the other room and took my phone with me in case I wanted to use it. He wants me to move down to the end where he comes from which is about 3 hours away. I spoke to my parents about this and they stated if I moved that far away they’d be finished with me (they’re very old fashioned) and due to the fact their only other child died, I think they feel if I move up there they’ll have no one. My partner knows all this but is still quite happy for me to lose my security circle and up and move up there because its what he wants. I don’t think I’d be able to do it. I just don’t feel that level of security about it. He expects me to do all these things for him when he wouldn’t/doesn’t do the same thing in return. He is fantastic with my kids though and they adore him. I love him a lot but my gut keeps telling me if I upped and moved and risked it all, that I already know how it would end. I do feel happy with him, but I’d say I feel more unhappy than I do happy. We have had so many arguments that have resulted in one of us leaving.
Which brings me to my children’s dad… I haven’t seen him for months because as I said he didn’t stick to our agreement on the kids. The kids don’t remember their dad now, they’re only just turned 4 and just turned 3. The last time he came round to see them they didn’t know who he was as prior to that he had not seen them for months. They just kept calling him “he”. Recently I’ve found myself thinking of their dad a lot… How we were at the beginning, the moments that made us what we were that made it special. Every song that comes on is making me think of him. I don’t know if this is because things aren’t 100% with my current partner or whether it’s genuinely because this is the way I feel. I’ve been trying to give myself time to figure this out but I feel an input from someone else who’s possibly been in this situation may be able to help…
When I split with their dad I was devastated. It really cut me up because it wasn’t what I wanted but I felt like I had to do that as the situation was taking a toll on everyone. A lot of the time I felt egged on to cut contact with their dad by my current partner as though he didn’t want him around. But he did make some valid points about the situation which is why I ended up cutting contact. I couldn’t have a private conversation with their dad through message or when he was here visiting as my current partner wanted to know everything - all what was said and replied. I felt like I couldn’t do it on my terms - do what I felt was right for the children. If I wanted to do it my way it resulted in an argument. It feels like more than anything he just wanted their dad gone because he was my ex…
Some helpful, non-judgmental advice would be grately appreciated… I feel like I know what I should do… but things are clouding my judgment at the same time.
the guy you have now is abusive, and this is the part where he’s trying to alienate you, so he can control you. You know this isn’t right. Stay where you are. Not sure about your kids dad, but do you really “need a man”? I think it’s best to leave things be with both of them, and sort YOURSELF out. There’s someone out there for you but your current relationship isn’t it, unless you want a lifetime of alienation and abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, time will tell. Could be both. Cut your losses with both of them for now, and get right with yourself.
Get the controlling man out of your/your kids lives. That is very important. Im a single parent. I/my kids are much happier without a man tryin to call the shots i wont put up with it. I had on/off relationship with my boys dad it ended bad.
Nope. He is isolating you and controlling. You need to leave, and be on your own for a while. Lean on your family to help. Do NOT rush back to the husband.
Lord I didnt even get passed much with the new man about having to leave your phone around. You need to just leave this relationship behind, regardless of where you and your kids dad may end up in the future.
Your current is abusing you! It doesn’t have to be physical for it to be abuse. You ex is your ex. Period…if he doesn’t want to be a father, goodbye! Focus on yourself. You do not need a man in your life. Moving away from family with your ABUSER, will get you more ABUSED! Your kids need their Mama.
You need to get away from the new one and leave the old one alone unless he can be there for his kids, and leave it at that. You need to figure out how to live on your own and stop relying on a man every step of the way. You’re putting your kids in bad situations because you feel you need to be dependent on a man for your worth. Live life for you and your kids before you start seeking out companionship in the arms of another man so quick. Discover who you are, and not who you are for someone else.
I only made it through half of this. You are doing everything he wants and needs to have you right where he wants you…with no one to rely on but him. Then you end up dead in a ditch somewhere.
Leave the man he is cutting you off from family and friends . It’s called mental abuse . You went from the pan straight into the fire . Run don’t walk as fast as you can .
Your current man is isolating you from everyone around you and has mad control issues that will only get worse the longer your together
Get you and your kids out of that situation
your current partner is abusive… toxic is toxic and that’s what he is… don’t move away from your family for him… focus on yourself and not a man… ex or current…
You need to get rid of the new boyfriend now!!! He is controlling and sounds just like a narcissist. Im trying to get out of a marriage with one right now and he isolated me accused me of lying and cheating every day blamed me for everything and he was the one texting and doing whatever with other woman. Either you and the kids leave or make him leave. Eventually it will get physical and it never gets better no matter how much he promises to you. He probably even pushed the ex out of the picture because he is insecure. If you get rid of him the kids dad might be able to start seeing his kids cause honestly the way the new boy sounds he probably contacted ur ex without your knowledge and ran his mouth. A narcissist will stop at nothing to control everything in ur life and will eventually start doing the same thing to ur kids. He will try and push a wedge between you and them. Do what’s best for your kids and you and leave that situation and do not ever depend on a man for ur worth. You are better off with just you and ur kids and grow with them and live your life on ur terms not on someone else’s.
He is abusive, trust us love that man is not good for you, he is toxic. You need to break up with him, reconnect with your friends you’ve lost because of him and discover who you are as a single woman.
I left my abuser three years ago and have been single since and it has made me into a stronger and happier person.
I’d say RUN as fast as you can from this new guy. He is a dangerous control freak. There are more people out there. Focus on YOU AND YOUR KIDS right now. MOVE FORWARD!
seriously don’t move. You will end up abused and dead. He is trying to completely isolate you away from your support system and you are letting him. Save yourself and your children.
Whatever you decide to do with your kids dad, please don’t move to be with the new guy. He doesn’t care if you lose all of your support system? He sounds like he’s trying to cut you off from everyone, and that’s like one of the first ways a guy is abusive. If your gut is telling you no then listen! Think about your kids safety.
The new relationship is garbage. Thats not having previous issues thats jusy plain out control. Why would you move your kids away from people they love and that have been there to be with some new person? And going back and forth about the dad I say leave new relationship, spend some time single focusing on yourself and those babies before trying to go back to the dad. Sometimes if you want things to straighten up and change( the dad making different choices in life) it takes more than a month or two its just based on your own thought on if you want to try it again with him or not to wait for him to sort things out. But time just being single sounds like It might be better for you so you can sort out your own thoughts
Grow up and take responsibility for your children. Get to know someone before getting into a relationship with them. Might have to sleep alone for awhile but you sure don’t need anymore children to add to this mix.
There are lots of HUGE red flags. You need to remove yourself and your kids from this relationship asap. It’s not that he’s insecure, he’s manipulative, controlling, and abusive. Anyone who has done the things that you described like alienating you from your friends, does NOT love you. If you move away with him, it will only escalate and it will continue when you make new friends. As far as your ex goes, after you end this relationship, you need to be by yourself for awhile to sort things out.
Your new bf is trying to control and isolate you. The level of paranoia he’s showing is going to lead to a physical altercation down the road. His obsession with your phone is scary.you should have started to see the sighns a long time ago.hesalready made you lose friends and family over his delusional mind and your already making excuses for him because he got cheated on in the past. You also stated he’d be happy if you lost the help of your parents. How much more do you need to see and hear before you get he’s trying to isolate you. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter how good of a step parent he pretends to be cuz it’s fake. Leave for your sake and your kids cuz it’ll only get worse.cuz the min you lose your parents he’s gonna flip the script on you .
You already know where this is going. He sounds narcissistic and toxic. No matter how good he is with your kid’s. He is mentally and emotionally abusing you. Whatever you do, please do not move away from your family support. He is trying desperately to control and alienate you from your friends and family and he seems to be succeeding at that. You have to stop it now. You’re allowing him to treat you this way and you deserve better.
I tryed for 2 yrs I left him behind stay strong and ve both mum and dad I was with my ex 11yrs I left him due to is alcohol addiction and cheating on me with who I thought was one of my best friends and he seen is kids 6 x for half hour max a hour in 2 yrs he still with my ex friend and choose her before is children after trying for 2 yrs I left him behind in 2022 and I am done he is dead to me u gonna be OK x
Please find a therapist for you and your Little’s, I mean no disrespect but it sounds like you all have been thru a tough time. If you think your kids dad might have a shot at a future, start with couples counseling there too. Work on you and loving you, and your kids. They need their daddy whether you do or not, I’d say do what you can to mend things with him even if it’s just to be able to co-parent…you guys are just starting parenting….there’s ALOT of bumps along that path that you will need an extra set of eyes, ears, arms, etc. help him with his health!
If a friend or stranger was telling you these things, what would you tell them?? You would probably tell them that they are in an abusive & controlling relationship and to run. Please take that advise as myself and all of these other women on here are telling you to do. This new man is only great to get you to do the things he wants. What happens when you don’t do what he wants and he gets really mad. Do you really want to take that chance. He could take you away from your children or all of you away from those that love you. Run honey, run!
Your current partner is putting on a good facade and I can guarantee it 1000% certainty that if you move down to where he lives your life will become a living hell. If he’s acting like this now to the point where you’ve had to cut people off (which was his goal) I can tell you right now he’ll make you cut off everyone if u move to where he wants u to and I doubt he’ll let you have a phone too. He’s only being good to the children now but if you move with him I can tell u now that once he has you guys isolated away from friends and family his demeanor towards the children will change completely. And the situation with their dad and your current partner wanting him out of your life completely was another way for him to control you also. I know you won’t appreciate my answer but I’ve been in your shoes and let me tell you I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy at all. Your current partner is putting on a good facade till he can get you to move away with him and if you say no I can tell you now that he isn’t going to accept it. You need to listen to your intuition
New guy is setting a trap. Don’t fall for it. It only gets worse. It sounds like old guy was suffering from depression. That is why he pulled away when u left him. If he is getting help. Then you need to at least be there for him if you as you say love him. This means you need to communicate with him about what you need from him. Yes he is an adult. Yet, he is really suffering. Take it from someone who has gone through it. If he is depressed then it’s hard to just do daily task let alone continue with relationships that add to ur pain. If he has sought help and has made changes. Maybe you could give him a call and ask him if he would be interested in starting a new friendship with you. See where it leads you. Tell him how you feel and what you want.
Why are you giving up on people you’ve known for years? Because he said so? Don’t you have freedom to do as you want? Your obviously not happy. You don’t need this nickel head to live your life too. Bye…
You already know what you want/need to do, you just have to do it. With that being said, my opinion is you need to be single and raise your children. Learn who you are and what you want for your life. Don’t turn your life upside down for anyone! Be single, be a mom and the right person will find you. The right person will trust you. The right person will make all the wrong decisions fade away.
Sometimes I wonder if these posts are real…but yep my first thought was ya need to be single and focus and u and those kiddos not the controlling dude or the needy ex!!!
No matter what you do, your boyfriend will not feel secure. It doesn’t get better when you move in together. It only get worse. I’m not sure why you’re thinking of your ex, either. The guy who has almost abandoned your children! You’d be better off without either of these men.
I didn’t even finish reading it and I see him being over controlling and will literally ruin your life. My ex stepdad was like that with my mom. At first he was all good but after about 4 yrs he went totally controlling and became the big man of the house. He almost killed my brother multiple times bc he gets soo mad at little things! He broke stuff and punched holes in the walls. You are literally putting him first before anyone including your kids. Your kids are gonna get older and the more they do the more he is gonna be controlling. You need to think about you and the kids first. I understand you got a good relationship with him otherwise but run now before you get into a social and mentally abuse. Trust you gut
Isolation is the last step taken before abuse. Anyone trying to separate you from people who love you has bad intentions (usually overly disguised)
A grown adult mother does not need to be supervised as if she were in a prison, you’re already living in one. Gather all things, walk away quickly, people who love you miss you
Leave & live on your own and make yourself happy. The new guy sounds like he has some serious trust issues and red flags and he should not be in any kind of relationship either. Learning to love yourself and live alone is probably the wisest thing you can do right now and if that journey brings you back to your ex than so be it. But definitely leave the current situation
Wow girl you did good by getting rid of baby daddy NOW you need to get rid of the RED FLAG boyfriend. I’m sorry but he is a little to insecure and controlling. You got this girl!!!
Do you want to be controlled by a man the rest of your life?
What kind of an example will this be to your children?
And how long before “new guy” starts to control your children’s behavior and actions?
Love yourself (and your kids) and get out of this toxic relationship.
First of all your current mate has jealousy issues and obviously doesn’t trust you. If there is no trust the relationship will never be right plus jealousy can lead people to think crazy thoughts and do crazy things. If you think he’s isolating you now, move away from your safety net and you’ll see what isolation really is. As far as your ex…that ship has sailed. He has probably already moved on, like you did, and you can’t make him be a daddy. Besides, your little boys don’t need to be exposed to the negativity or drama you made him leave for in the first place. Why keep jumping from the frying pan into the fire . Get on your own two feet, concentrate on your kids and let all of it rest for awhile. Taking backward steps only sets you up to trip over your own feet…
Get rid of the current man ASAP… everything about him screams messed up!!! You says your unhappy more then happy… it’s not gonna get better! He wants you to have no one else in your life but him to depend on so he can control you 100%. Do not move away with him…Tell him to leave an move on his own if that’s what he wants!!
Run. Don’t move, he is isolating you and preparing for harsher abuse for you. He is controlling you and mentally abusing you. Get out. Focus on yourself and your kids for a bit.
I can see it must have been incredibly difficult for you to ask the father of your children to leave… but remember you did that to protect yourself and your children… so you can’t allow a different type of situation to now put you back to square one… we all know it’s so much easier said than done… but if your here , then you know what you must do.
Sounds like current guy needs to go as he sounds like he will be abusive at some point as soon as he gets you away from and isolates you from your parents, I say RUN as fast as you can out of that relationship.
As ideal as it would be for your kiddos to have mom and dad together, maybe take it slow and put you and your kids first. Don’t rush into anything.
And I hope you know you are strong enough and good enough to just be a single mom for a while and that it’s ok to not be in any relationship.
Hope this helps
You need to leave! That is control, ISOLATION and manipulation regardless of his past that is not acceptable behavior. It only gets worse and more physical. Your children do not need to be subjected to that and grow up believing that behavior is correct. I know from experience how men like that are! Get out while you can! As for your ex, it is only because you are unhappy right now and don’t want to be alone. I’ve been there. You need to go to counseling alone and take time to figure out what is best for you and your children! Otherwise you end up in worse situations that hurt you and your children.
Current boyfriend
This is all signs of abuse.
He is seriously controlling and insecure.
Do NOT move three hours Away with him! That is isolation and it will get worse and worse.
You will never be able to coparent with your children’s dad with him around, either. The children come first.
I’m sorry, I stopped reading. You literally went from the frying pan to the fire.
Anyone who has been cheated on has trauma, but that many insecurities and issues this early on in the relationship… it’s not going to get any better. Someone who loves you and trusts you, doesn’t treat you like that. They don’t make you cut off friends and family. They don’t monitor your phone. They don’t limit your activities and freedoms.
Also, a man who loves his children, doesn’t make excuses. He may be hurt that you put him out and that you started seeing someone else, but none of that is an excuse to not be a father.
And NO ONE should be stepping in between you and your ex when it’s related to the children.
In my opinion, neither of these guys are going to make you happy or treat you right.
he is manipulating you. If you do move he will end up cutting you off from everyone and has already started the ground work. Please end it now for your own health and welfare. He is in the early stages of abuse and you don’t want you or your family to be his victims.
It sounds like you need to take some time and just focus on yourself, and your kids. The new guy has a lot of red flags and I would not move for him. Just be single for a while and find yourself.
Oh no…the relationship you are in is classic controlling abusive relationship. First they isolate then they abuse. Please break up with this person. No good qualities could overshadow the blazing red flags.
I know one thing excessive marijuana use ages people fast young ones have wrinkles they never had before , I believe unlike the marijuana in the 60’s and 70’s this marijuana has to many additives and preservatives that actually harm people more than help them …
Your being loved bombed and slowly isolated he’s a abuser. It doesn’t show until you live together for about 6 months to a year. These are early signs.
The level of paranoia is not safe or normal for your kids. Even if he makes you happy now. Please choose your kids. I know how this goes I have family who ignored and made excuses for these same red flags now she’s on so deep and he’s almost killed her.
Too much to read but for real… you need to be single and mom… jumping from one toxic guy to another not good for the kids… work on you… be mom… mostly if nothing else get away from new guy… couple of good things don’t make the whole phone thing ok that’s just creepy crazy. don’t know what’s next or to come in near future… run be single. Love you’re self and your kids 1st…
Current guy seems controlling, 100% listen to your gut. Don’t move anywhere with him, it’ll get worse. I wouldn’t be with someone that doesn’t trust me, so in reality I’d cut things all together with him. Mend your relationship with the kids father, I’d be single for awhile - Don’t jump back into a relationship with their dad or anyone else. Learn to be independent.
The new guy isn’t being nice. He’s making you isolate from your friends and family. You need to leave him and have some time alone with your kids to figure out who you are without a man.
LEAVE and get help for yourself!! You need to figure our why you are attracting unhealthy people in your life. With all do respect until you do this you will continue to attract people that are dysfunctional. We teach people how to treat us period.
Your new guy does not sound good at all sounds like control to me from the things youve said. Personally i think a fresh start would suit you best away from him and the kids dad xxx
Girl you need to run as fast as you can away from your current boyfriend & don’t look back. He’s troubled with a capital T he will get you where he wants you & God only knows what he’ll do next. He’s already had you quit being friends with your Bestfriend & watches every your doing now. Girl that’s signs of trouble big time there. You need to let this guy go. If not you’ll end up being beat or end up dead. He’s already controlling you & it will only get worse. You need to run as fast as you can & don’t look back.
I didn’t finish reading this mess. First of all not even a year and you’re introducing your kids to someone new??? SMH!!! This new guy is trying to seclude you from everyone and the abuse will get worse. You need to be more of a mother than a woman and take care of your family first!
I think you should take a break on the new relationship… it sounds like it’s leading in the wrong direction ( lots of ). Take some time to figure out what you and your boys need. I would definitely NOT move. Good luck
New guy is controlling and it will only get worse if you stay with/move in with him.
Baby dad let’s minor inconveniences get in the way of seeing/speaking to his children and you? Smh, don’t try with him again.
BOTH of these guys are waving their red flags in your face.
Focus on yourself and your children before worrying about dudes who are childish and controlling.
I think you need to be single, and work out how to stand on your own two feet, and put the children first before any relationship. Massive red flag that current bf does not support you to form a healthy co parent relationship with your children’s dad and another his paranoia over your phone, and 3rd is wanting to take you away from your security. Bin him and don’t go back to the ex either or you will be back asking the same questions again and again and again. I am a single mum to a toddler and I agree it’s bloody hard work! But you don’t need a man to save you. Save yourself and your kids.
You just keep making bad choices huh. What about staying away from men for a little, start a little about yourself like how to love yourself while being vy yourself. Focus on parenting and then when your decision making skills improve, dip your toes back into the dating scene. This is the man you are having around your children and you are comfortable with that decision?
The new guy is taking everyone away from you so you only rely on him… It’s a narcissistic quality. He is showing his real self a little at a time. Once he gets you away from everyone, it’s going to fully come out. You will be a slave, obeying his wishes, otherwise he will accuse you of cheating and what not. The kids are going to grow up seeing this and think it’s ok. It’s not. It’s not healthy whatsoever. You need to think about your kids and your own needs. This isn’t it.
Your current guy seems to be a bit toxic and controlling already. Do not move away from the family and friends you have. It will just get worse and can lead to abuse whether it’s mental or physical. Do what you feel is best. Contact the children’s dad and see where things take ya. Esp if he has tried to better himself.
Your current is abusing you! It doesn’t have to be physical for it to be abuse. You ex is your ex. Period…if he doesn’t want to be a father, goodbye! Focus on yourself. You do not need a man in your life. Moving away from family with your ABUSER, will get you more ABUSED! Your kids need their Mama.
You are doing everything he wants and needs to have you right where he wants you…with no one to rely on but him. Then you end up dead in a ditch somewhere.
. Run don’t walk as fast as you can .
that’s no way to live. He needs to heal before he can be in a relationship.
. Get on your own two feet, concentrate on your kids and let all of it rest for awhile. Taking backward steps only sets you up to trip over your own feet…
away from him and the kids dad xxx
the weed smoking dude doesn’t sound that bad now 
