My husband and I have been together for 8 years and we have two kids ages 7 and 5. He has an 11 yr old daughter from previos marriage . Every time she visits is she throws huge tantrums and always ends up getjngway . Shes been sojnIt’s really causing a lot of arguments in my marriageSeems like he lets her get away with any behavior . My kids are scared of her & Don’t want to be around her anymore . They are frightened by the way she acts . I really don’t know what to do she’s been doing this since she was little and it has not stopped just keeps getting worse .
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My kids are scared of my stepdaughter: What should I do? - Mamas Uncut
IMO id sit down and have a long talk with your husband and make him aware that the kiddos are scared of her and throw down some options
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Is she doing it for attention or does she have a mental health problem.like adhd etc and need to.be seen by a docter and supported?? What sort of behaviours is she showing? Maybe get your husband or her mother to.make a docter appointment and get a referral made for her
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Google ODD she if she has those symptoms!
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Is she like this all the time or only at your house? What exactly is she doing? I’d sit down and have a serious talk with your husband about it and let him know how you feel. Is she acting out for attention or does she have actual behavioral issues that need to be treated?
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Tell your husband the other kids are afraid of her and say that he and her mother need to get her some professional help before she hurts one of them.
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What does her individual therapist say?? You can always develop and enforce some standards for your home
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I’d sit down and talk with your husband , your children don’t ever deserve to feel scared around someone. Maybe figure out why these tantrums are happening ? What’s the household like at moms ? Does she receive any punishment for the way she acts ? Is there any medical issues such as anxiety , adhd , autism ? Maybe factors but in my own opinion if there is no medical issues an 11 year old shouldn’t be throwing “ tantrums” yes we get mad and show our own emotions but what tantrums is she having ? Throwing stuff ? Screaming ? Breaking things?
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If your littles are genuinely afraid of another child. Take notice.
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I’d find out more about the behaviors. If it’s an all the time thing everywhere, it may be a mental health/chemical imbalance issue. If it’s just at your house, it may just be for attention OR shes trying to tell you guys something.
I see red flags when I see kids with behaviors. A kid acting out is a cry for help. You just have to figure out what their problem is and help them address it.
Also not a good idea to do the my kids vs his kid thing. I understand where your coming from, but look at her as another one of your kids having a problem, not like she is the problem. Kids can sense that and sometimes it makes the situation worse
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Dude needs to protect all his kids, not just the oldest.
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And if you guys are married that happens to be your child too and you should find some compassion for her
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Until your husband addresses it properly, you won’t be able to change anything. He’s where you start. He has to be open and willing to admit there’s a problem for you both to come up with the best way to parent the situation. If he’s not willing to do any of that… you’re in for a mess.
Otherwise, all you can do is establish rules and boundaries for your household…if she can’t follow them you need to be consistent that she can’t be there. Honestly, I’d get to the bottom of why she’s acting out that way…kids aren’t jerks for no reason, not really
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I would have a discussion with the husband and the mother of the child if you all can communicate …is she doing good in school does she throw fits at school … Is she doing good at her mom’s? Is she the same at her mom’s… is it just there …if she is bad at all 3 places usually there is an underlying issue and needs to be talked with by a doctor … Also I wouldn’t leave your kids unsupervised with her at all I don’t even care if it’s just the livingroom …also if it’s at school to she might need to seek help from a school counselor it might be a good idea to get into family counseling bc you need to find out the issue ASAP I would also sit down with your husband and make some rules and consequences for her and BOTH of you need to stick with it … he needs to be willing to communicate and be open minded bc your other children are a priority as well and no child should be scared to be in there own home!
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Sounds like she’s had some trauma. Kids don’t misbehave for no reason. Maybe she needs therapy? Maybe everyone needs therapy?
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She needs help and maybe a little discipline!
Put your foot down correct her behavior do not let him change this leave if her does it know she is being mean to them
Regardless of whether she has mental things going on as I have a child that does, it is not okay to allow the behavior and hurt or scare other children. Counselor or something to help her as well as the rest of the family. If they continue to let her think it is okay she could really hurt someone the older she gets or they could hurt her
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Talk to your husband and a doctor she may need behavioural therapy
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Take your kids and go somewhere when she is around. Then he has to deal with her alone. I’m betting a time or two of this he would change his approach of dealing with the 11 year old.
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It is time for ultimatum, either you put your foot down or pack up and leave with her. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
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It is not uncommon for kids from divorce to lash out either from a need for attention or from stress, first of all.
Secondly, other parents- moms in particular I have noticed- either from a place of vindictiveness or insecurity, say and do things to or around the kids that make them feel like they have to choose or if they have a fuller bond with their other parent, much less ANY bond with a stepparent or any siblings with that other parent, be they step or half, that they are betraying the one parent.
Thirdly, parents themselves tend to feel extreme guilt for their family dividing up in the first place, even if it is not their fault, especially fathers, and end up subconsciously ignoring, dismissing or excusing away bad behavior out of an underlying guilt.
Fourthly, divorce is especially traumatic to kids.
It can cause all sorts of trauma based mental illness such as anxiety, depression, PTSD and even RAD or personality disorders and behavioral disorders.
Fifthly, she could be high functioning neurodiverse (bipolar, ASD, ADHD, SPD, etc)and any change in her routine- including where she is staying- without trying to make the environments as similar as possible and routines as similar as possible, can cause MELTDOWNS that CAN LOOK LIKE a tantrum.
I would speak to both parents- install nanny cams if you must- and see if you guys can get her evaluated both for trauma based mental illness and for neurodiversity as soon as possible, see if anything can be done to streamline her home environments- discipline, schedule, comfort items, textiles, etc- as much as possible and see if there is any sabotage going on (tactfully) or subconscious guilt at play and regardless of what is going on, getting her into therapy.
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She probably knows her dad will let her get away with it at this point if he has never done anything to correct that in the past. Maybe he should take parenting classes and learn how to set standards and rules for his home. The more divided you snd him are about it the more it’ll put a wedge between you two
I am also a “stepmom” I also came into my bonus daughter life when she was three in my opinion you have been in her life long enough to have a say in how y’all discipline especially because I do have other children in the household so there needs to be a sit down with all three parents and discuss what’s going on sounds like she may need some therapy but I would also put it to your husband that if he’s not willing to do something or help her you have to do what’s best for you and your two other children
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If dad won’t put his foot down, you’ll have to. Like others have said, get her to a Dr and have her evaluated. If I were you I wouldn’t allow her around my kids. He can go see her at her mother’s house.
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Her father needs to find out what is going on
Just love her more… and try to understand her and maybe ask her why she feels the way she does … then getting on board with your kids all being scaryed of her… cause she throws fits… some kids need more attention then others just try to work with her and explain to her its not ok to do some of the things she is doing … and how it’s scarring the other kids cause how your behaving at times. Just be patient with her and maybe do a one on one with her like a girls day… maybe their is alot more going on in her mind then anyone knows and how she expresses her emotions is acting out and throwing fits cause she don’t understand how to come out with her feelings… just don’t give up on her… they are all gifts from our father above and we are here to teach them about love, respect, strength, faith, humble, kindness to all, and you will never give up on her even if their are times she might act out. Love her love them all… Unconditionally and just work harder to show her you care about her feelings…
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Don’t let it go have a Big talk with your husband.
Seems to me I would take a video from phone of this behavior and talk to her mom or your in-laws. Next maybe talk to someone that can help you and your kids with this. Sounds like you and your kids want to leave when she comes to visit
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It hasn’t stopped and it hasn’t gotten better because she gets what she wants when she behaves this way. If you want it to stop, you and your husband have to be a united front. You can’t give into her tantrums. She’s almost a teenager. Imagine the kind of spoiled, entitled adult she will be, knowing that throwing tantrums will get her what she wants. Learn to say no. Put your foot down. Your husband too.
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Sounds like she needs some professional help.
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She’s doing it because she can. Till he puts his foot down nothing will change.
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Since it sounds like this has been going on for a while, then this is not going to be an easy fix since you guys did not correct this behavior when she was younger. You guys need to set boundaries and rules and discipline her whenever she breaks them. Such as the screaming should not be tolerated and corrected right away. This is the result from lax parenting, I would really try to tighten the reins up and if she cannot make improvement in a few months then seek professional help. Give her time, she is still just a kid but this starts from the roots of the parents.
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Maybe she feels like an outsider? Idk kids interpret and internalize things
Put boundaries: make a “good behavior” sticker board for everyone in the house. Kids usually dont like being put on a bad light this way.
Say something like: hey little Miss, we have rules in this house. If you dont follow it, you will get no good behavior stickers on the board"
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Get her on meds ground her etc
You and your partner need to be on the same page. Have a really good chat with him about all yours and your kids concerns. If you two can get on the same page, check out super nanny jo Frost. She has so many great tips and disciplinary actions for your step daughter.
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He won’t think of your kids so you have to. Put them into counseling (you can use it in court later) and file for a divorce.
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Listen to your kids. Watch her! There is probably more there than you know!
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Your kids knows more then what they are letting you know you really need to find out if she has ever harmed them or have threatned to harm them. they are scared of her for some reason and its not from her throwing temper tantrums.
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Poor girl she has a problem emotionaly that she just keep on her own. Love and understanding is the answer. 
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2 choices… Talk to your husband and set boundaries… Move out and take a break for you and the other kids sake…
There is no reason at all for him to allow that to continue and allow the other two to endure that kind of behavior.
You could do the nacho thing… When she’s there you make him do it all, you and the other two kids go about your life and plans and don’t include her and when either of them ask why tell them because you refuse to be embarrassed by her behavior in public.
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Needs to stop asap or she will terrorize not only the other children but you as well.
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Has she been checked to see if she has DMDD or ODD
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It will continue until he mans up and corrects it. Listen to your kids!!!
You and the father should sit down with your two younger children and talk about their fears. More than likely the older child has inflicted pain on them or at least threatened them. There’s most likely a lot if jealously going on. The 11 yr old should also be encouraged to talk about why she behaves like she does. Her other homelife should be investigated. Your husband no doubt doesn’t realize the ramifications of allowing bad behavior. Family counseling and a mental health evaluation for the 11 yr old should be done asap.
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Have u and ur husband spoken to the mother about how the child is acting? I think a sit down is definitely in order…and then definitely be watching her at all times with ur children
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Hopefully all of you adults can sit down, talk and come up with a plan. Sounds like she may need some help. The sooner the better for all. Also, never leave the kids alone until you get some answers
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Was your husband’s divorce messy? Has he been a positive role model in her life? Does he pay attention to her like he does the children you have together? Are you a fair step -mother that doesn’t show favoritism of her biological children in front of her step daughter ? Do you have a decent relationship with the biological Mother? Y’all are the adults and she an 11 year old child. You need to figure out what the root issue of this child’s problem is. It might take some introspection on your own part.
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If your husband won’t deal with her behaviour then you must. She’s 11yo. Well past the age of knowing right from wrong and perfectly capable of understanding rules.
Ask her if she doesn’t want to be in your home. Court will take her wishes into account at her age …or take your kids away to family if you can while she is there
If she’s been like this since she was little then she’s had plenty time to adjust to her parents being apart. Her Father needs talking too also.
Don’t wait for him you put her in her place as a matter of fact you talk to her mother and let her know she not allowed back until she respects your family and home … And also ask her why she acts out maybe she doesn’t know how to express how she feels I mean what goes on at home has she ever wanted to stay or live with her father maybe she has some issues about the separation from her father but until there is an answer she wouldn’t be allowed there you have two other children feelings to worry about why should they suffer
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Sounds like she needs a good ass whooping, I don’t like raising a hand towards kids, but there are times when an ass whooping is needed, plain & simple.
I went through this with my children and I told my husband he was welcome to have visitation with his child but it cannot be in the home with the children that live there. Because their safety hast to take the first priority
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If your husband won’t discipline her then you will have to.
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So you’ve been around since she’s 3 and according to you she’s been throwing tantrums the whole 8 years? Perhaps you are the problem not her?!?! You are even blaming her for “causing” arguments with your husband. Kudos to dad for sticking up for his daughter…
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Try involve her more, switch things up, I’m thinking is she feeling jealousy, shes going through something,
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Has she ever been evaluated by a dr? She could very well have an undiagnosed condition.
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You have a husband problem. This should have been nipped in the bud. Professional help both singularly for her and family therapy is your best bet.
And definitely find out why she scares your littles because I doubt it’s just the tantrums.
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She probably needs some special therapy and maybe some meds. So I suggest your husband get her set up with specialized doctors and evaluate. She needs some extra love but tough love as in don’t give into tantrums. If she isn’t physically hurting the other children I’d let them know she’s having a hard time and you’re working on it. Have some family therapy so everyone can voice themselves in a safe environment.
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If he won’t step up and put his foot down it won’t get better.
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I have a problem with this whole post. You and your husband have been together 8 years and you still refer to her as your husband’s kid from a previous marriage… then go on to talk about how she’s bad, she cusses, she’s causing problems in your marriage, then talk about how YOUR kids are afraid of her… Seems like you need to understand that she’s your child too and maybe you all need to start trying to connect with her more instead of treating her like the odd one out. That’ll make kids act out especially if they see their other siblings being treated a certain way and they are not treated the same. I hope you all gain more understanding and compassion for children who need it.
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U treat it the same as if it were your kid, seeing as it is!!.. poor girl probably feels like an outcast the way u talk about her… u should leave, for HER sake …smh
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Sounds like she is jealous of your family. She probably misses her father and wants his attention. Negative attention is better than none.
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Maybe speak to her from a place of love…Not she is throwing tantrums and getting in the way…
Children try to communicate through behaviour…Clearly the childs needs arent being met…
Maybe you need to get on board and be on the same page for the child…I dont know the full story but there could be many reason for the childs behaviour…It could be meltdowns not tantrums…Does the child have other issues which might show potential traits for Autism, Adhd etc…If this is constant behaviour then its possible it is a condition like Autism etc rather than just a child being unruly…
I really hope this childs needs are met and you can all get along…x
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When she visits, take your kids and go somewhere else until she leaves. Tell your man that you’re not going to tolerate her bad behavior around your children.
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Maybe the child has trauma at her moms house? From the divorce? Sounds like therapy would benefit her and all of you greatly. She’s only 11 so she’s probably jealous. That was like her dad first and now here you are and two more kids. It’s hard. Maybe dad needs to do one on one with her and you could try bonding with her as well?
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Tell.your husband she needs therapy with him involved if not your leaving with the other 2 kids. Unfortunately she won’t change if he doesn’t stand his ground.
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He needs to address this, and he needs to support you in disciplining her as well, same rules for all the kids
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There’s a reason their scared of her maybe when she comes over let your kids go to their grandparents house for the weekend
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Is she in counseling?There may be some other issues going on.Has she seen a dr?
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Your step daughter needs therapy. It’s not going to fast easy. She needs years of therapy, possibly medication. That’s on your husband & her mother. You can’t do that for them. Your concern is your children. Sadly this is all on you since it sounds like your children’s safety isn’t a concern to your husband. Document your step-daughters behavior. Every meltdown, threat, act of violence etc. Set up cameras throughout your home. Clip vids of her acting out & how he reacts. Save these! Back them up so they’re difficult to delete in case gets hold of your phone. Also document conservation with him & his ex about her behavior & getting her therapy. Then leave. Take those kids to a safe environment. File for sole custody with supervised visits on grounds of the daughters behavior. Get a lawyer!!! I can’t emphasize that enough. Judges take you more seriously if you have a lawyer. Use that documentation previously mentioned to ban her from being around them until/unless her behavior improves.
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That’s their half sister they have to learn to love each other idk why she act out maybe she thinks they are stealing her dad
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Unless she’s physically attacking you n your kids then you shouldn’t be scared of a 11yr old smh n if she is give hubby a ultimatum ger his daughter under control or you will find a place to go when she’s there let him deal with her himself
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What would you do if it was your biological child!
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8 years and you don’t refer to her as you bonus child/stepchild but as his child. And then you say your kids. You do understand that she is his child/first born. If she is causing problems in your marriage then it’s you not her. Y’all should be able to cope with her after all these years. Honestly I feel like you have something against her maybe you don’t even see it. Therapy for you all should be a must. Cause they are your family not just your family then his child. They are all your family. Maybe I am just a little bitter because of how you spoke of her.
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sounds like acting out maybe she needs a little therapy
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Are you a loving family to her? Sounds like she has a lot of emotional trauma… from somewhere… but also… an 11 year old girl has Tons of emotional ups & downs… does she have any diagnosis like ADHD, etc? And on another side of that thought 
… from my personal experience… you can treat your step kid exactly like your own and they still going to hate you and yours! My step son did Not want to be part of my family. Did Not want his dad to be with me. Did Not want a step brother, a new sister, or even his youngest sister… he’s married now. Never hear from him. Never see him. 
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Your husband knows that his 2 children with you are afraid of this other daughter and has done nothing about her behavior?
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So tell him he needs to accomadate the children you have full time because they matter too… he might be trying to compensate for the fact that you do not have her all the time but have other children with you…
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Could she be neurodivergent and undiagnosed
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Maybe try being understanding to her maybe she feels like you’re in the way if her and her dad. Include her in anything you do because you sound as if you separate them and make differences.
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Remove your children from that toxic environment before it becomes their normal, children do learn what they live! Apparently dad doesn’t see a problem.
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No children dictate me not even my own, I would have put a stop to that day one, you may behave that way with your mother but not with me in my home, now hubbie if you don’t want me to say anything to her about her behavior then when she comes you will be solely responsible for her every need, as for me and my children we’d be on vacation, you will not terrorize me and my children in our home, I’d welcome you with open arms and heart as long as you know the rules apply to you while you’re here with us, Period.
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Did you know it before you married him?
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Lock your rooms,so she can’t get in.
Tell Dad to correct the daughter or you and the kids will leave while she is there and he’ll be left on his own with her while you and the other kids are gone. Make sure you show the impact she has on the other kids and your marriage.
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ChuckMelissa Tucker dont make excuses for her or why 2 younger children should have to put up with this abuse…that dont help…it just enables her bad behavior and victimizes the 2 small children…iv been in this position and she must act to protect her 2 small children…would you set idaily by while your 5 and 7 year old is being victimised by an 11 year old out of controle and her father who is a grown man? Please think long and hard befor you answer that question…these children live in that home and thier home should be thier safe place…PERIOD…anything less is totally UNEXCEPTABLE and Inexcusable…and bad parrenting on the dads part…it only gets worse…if he dont correct it now…he will no doubt be needing a criminal lawyer when she gets older…and that will fall squarely on him as a father…she needs to take her kids and cut ties with both him and his bad daughter…leave him to deal with his mess…he has allowed this behavior…let him address the situation and clean it up all by himself or deal with the rest of his life in the turmoil that is sure to come…my advise to her is Run fast with both your kids befor they either get hurt or turn out just like her…PS, i divorced mine, and here is how that turned out, mine graduated Jr. College, befor her high school graduation, then went on to graduation of regular college, his needed a criminal lawyer by the time she was 15, at approx late 20s to early 30s was facing many years in prison after being cought with several kiloes of dope from a mexican cartel…he had 2 daughter that have both had several stents of prison and jail…they both lost custody of thier own children…mine is still raising my grandson and he has a good life…so look at the long term in this situation please…they deserve a good future…dont ruin it over a bad choice for a stupid man!!! …rant over.
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Simple tell your husband to visit with her outside of the home somewhere else tell him that your kids don’t want her around and that the behavior she knows is not a good thing to be teaching your kids if he argues with you tell him that his daughter is his responsibility and he needs to respect his new family which is you and your kids and if he doesn’t change something then he needs to go on his merry way.
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Ignore the bad behavior. Engaging in it lets her believe that’s how she gets attention. Instead, tell her that she’s free to act how she wants in his room as long as she isn’t hurting anyone else or breaking things. Give her time to get it out of her system (also get her into therapy.) don’t allow her anything she wants when she acts like that. Make or buy an emotions chart and a notebook for her, maybe one that she picks out and have her log her emotions in the journal everyday while writing what she felt about that day. It’ll help her see for herself how she’s been acting when she goes back and reflects on it but do NOT read her journal. I could never have one because my mother never gave me privacy and would read anything and everything I wrote. She wouldn’t even let me have a lock on my door, she had someone damage the door trying to take it off. (There were two, one that was like a deadbolt, and one that was a regular lock on a knob.
Anyways, you can reward her for good behavior. When she calms down, pay attention to her. She’ll realize that the way to get the attention she is seeking, isn’t by tantrums, it’s by being calm. Remind her that it’s definitely ok to feel what she feels and to be angry, but it’s super important to remember there are other people around her when she’s outside of her bedroom so she has to remember that and be calm or go to her personal space.
A lot of the time tantrums happen because parents engage too much in the tantrums instead of the good behavior. They give in or they give attention. Especially when it comes to children who’s parents aren’t together and have moved on, regardless of how old they were when the step parent came into their lives, it’ll still effect them on how they feel and it’s even worse when they’re are children who get to stay there (step siblings) and spend more time with their biological parent. Jealousy comes into play. So, she most likely also doesn’t understand her own emotions or how to get them out properly. All of what I mentioned, is going to help tremendously. And make this something for ALL kids to do, not just her, so she doesn’t feel like the problem and she can feel like she’s included. For the kiddos that may not know how to write, you can have them draw how they feel. If the 11 year old is into art, she can do the same thing. I hope you actually see my comment. I went through this and this is what helped the most. Made the biggest difference.
For the emotions chart, they sell a bunch online. I have one and it’s an older one but has a bunch of faces on it showing different emotions. A couple weeks into starting this, do a craft where they make their own version of the emotions chart. It’ll be fun.
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The girl needs therapy to deal with her situations causing bad behavior for herself and everyone else.
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As a parent of a neurodivergent child, some of these responses are terrifying, and I wouldn’t hesitate to go for full custody and no visitation access whatsoever if anyone like some of you had access to my child. Good lord…
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She might need therapy and doesn’t know how to handle having other siblings how does the mom treat her or you
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Get rid of d dad n daughter before she hurts your children. If dad doesn’t or can’t control her then got to go. He is either lazy r doesn’t care about his own child.
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Tell Daddy that all the children are to be treated the same way. Set boundaries, and don’t let him get away with favoring that brat. She knows that she can get away with it, that’s why she does it. I’d be rethinking this blended family if I were in your shoes. Sit him down, and tell him that his other two children are afraid of her!! Just because she is being raised in a way that is unacceptable by her bio mother, does not mean you have to put up with it in your home ! There are no exceptions, and zero tolerance for this behavior. You both need to talk to her mother, and tell her that the second she acts out, or hurts or intimidates her half siblings, she is going right back with her. After a few times of that, she and your husband will know you won’t tolerate it, a change may come with the kid. The bio mother could be egging this on to make your life miserable, but that is just speculation on my part. If that doesn’t work, kick him to the curb, and tell him exactly why !
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If it’s not being corrected and your children don’t feel safe, then you need to tell him that you’re going be filing for divorce and leaving. Keeping your kids in a situation that they don’t feel safe in is/should be considered neglect.
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Ask your kids to tell dad directly about this
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