My kids do not respect their dad: Advice?

Okay, so I am having problems getting my kids to care for and respect their dad. We have been together ten years, never been separated. He has always been here. They almost lost their dad when they were about 4 and 5 years old due to a surgery that almost killed him. He tries to get the boys to do things with him, but they never do. He is not mean to them except when they are in trouble. How do you get your kids to stay involved with their dad?

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I would take a step back and let dad parent them more! If they need something ask dad, they want to do something ask dad ,snack ask dad stuff like that also fun outgoings with dad being involve alot more! My kids absolutely love their dad but he works most of the day so they are more inclined to follow me and do most things we me so when dad has days off I make it all about dad so they know he there for them too!We go out as family to enjoy the day Ask dad ask dad lol helps me relax a bit more too lol

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My kids do not respect their dad: Advice?

Theyre kids. Have dad take them out for something. Dont give them the option to say no. Youre the parent.

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Not doing stuff with him isn’t being disrespectful. A lot of kids don’t like doing stuff with their parents.
Maybe ask them what their deal is.
Maybe have him take them out to eat. Don’t give them a choice

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Following. My 9 year old daughter and her dad ,who are so much alike, barely have a connection. Our situation is the same, we have always been together.

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Find something they have in common

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How old are they? Preteens and teenagers don’t want much to do with their parents at certain times in their lives

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How old are your children. That would help with advice portion. There’s always counseling also.

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Ask them what tye problem is. Take them out alone and talk. Maybe they’re afraid of getting close because he almost died? Trauma response. Have to talk to them. Encourage them

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Mom, get involved and show him love and respect from you and from all of you collectively. Maybe they just need a an initial guide.

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Depend what age the kids are, kids hold grudges but they also love alot. Younger kids I find live both parents regardless but as they turn older they prefer one parent to the next. And if they teens…well we will pray

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My 15 year old son doesn’t like to go anywhere but loves to play video games with his dad. My 6 year old daughter loves to do everything with her daddy.

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Not doing stuff with him isn’t disrespect. They may have different preferences. Being mouthy is disrespect and isn’t allowed.

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Maybe instead of trying to get your kids to do stuff that the dad like, the dad do stuff that they like. Find out what your kids are into n get involved in that.

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His job to lead out like that. Not theirs.

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Sounds like they need to be disciplined

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How old are they now? And does dad also try and get them to respect him or just you? Sorry for all the questions just trying to get an idea of the situation x

My daughter sets time aside for family night one day a week. She also limits devices like not allowed at the table, when company is over, after bedtime, during family time. They play cards or board games and talk to each other.
Plan family outings. Start there and then get them to do things with dad

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He should do stuff with them (stuff they want. Not necessarily stuff he wants) and prolly should have been doing it for a long time now :woman_shrugging:

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If they’ve been together 10 years then the kids must be younger than that! Think

I’m sorry but it’s not your kids job to maintain a relationship with their father. It’s your husbands job to maintain it. Quite trying to put adult responsibilities on your kids shoulders. It’s not being disrespectful for not wanting to be around dad.

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They are kids what do you mean they never want to do things with him?
What kind of things does he want them to do ? Maybe whatever he wants them to do doesn’t interest them find out what they wanna do and go from there

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“He is not mean to them Unless they are in trouble”
Discipline should never be “MEAN”, so I am confused as fuck. I can get angry, I can Discipline but I have never gotten mean with my kids.

They might still be traumatized by his health crisis! He may not be wanting to do things in their level and they aren’t interested. That’s not disrespect at all. Try to find other activities to do together like swimming or baking together. Not all kids like outdoor activities. Find a common ground and go from there. He doesn’t have to be their FRIEND, he is a parent and there to teach and guide.

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Have 1 day a week be “Dad and Kids Day.” No electronics and they go out and spend quality time together on a specific day of the week

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Respect is earned, not just given… maybe your kids don’t like something about their dad

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Is there more to this .if he been in their life since day one how they not respect him
Is he their real dad ??? I just can’t see it…

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They should want to spend as much time with their father as possible especially after almost loosing him. My kids took a great loss whe. They lost their dad and they always spent as much time as possible with their dad.

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Define mean to them when they are in trouble. I knew a parent that was the same way and what they called discipline and saying their child was rebellious. Was actually abuse and the child was resisting the abuse. If kids are being treated poorly. You can best bet kids hold grudges and they can not be so forgiving. I’m not making any accusations. I’m just curious for more information.

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Hate to be the one to say it but there might be more going on than what you know. Talk to your boys ask Them what’s going on how they feel and why

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My children are adults now. My children had the same issues with their dad. Been with him 30+ years married 25+ years. He raised my daughter 33
we have a 22, 20 and 18 year old. They never were close to their dad or his side of the family. In school other children would say you guys are so lucky to have both parents in your life. That bothered them. About 7 years ago we hit a ruff patch in our marriage and I was hurt because he was mad at me but was also mad at our children. Our children said to me mom you are our mom and dad you are the one who is always there for us no matter what you listen and you talk to us you do things with us and for us. Yes we have a dad but he never did the things you did and do for us. I was hurt but to hear the truth from your children is an eye opener. I did tell their dad about our talk he too was hurt but he says the truth hurts. For the past 2 years they bonded he listens to them and talks with them now they fish and cut fish together as a family they preserve for our family. My husband would say to me how come our children always tell you “I love you” all the time they never tell me that. Well maybe you should tell they you love them and just be there no matter what. Children know where they get their love and attention from its always mom and most of the time mom becomes both parents.

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It could just simply be how they feel. I wasnt super connected with my mom when I was little and I remember it. I was super rebellious to her and an angel to my dad. They divorced later when I was little still and it tore me apart. I still rebelled with my mom but also developed separation anxiety and she couldnt even go to the bathroom without me which showed even though I didnt seem connected to her I still loved her to the moon and back and when I saw that she could leave to I got scared and she never did. I’m grown now and were best of friends. My dad and I are still close too. I guess my point simply is that they might seem disconnected but could still possibly care and love him and just may not be close. You might not be able to force it until they see reason to cling onto him

You know that saying ‘you don’t choose your relatives’ or whatever it is? That doesn’t only apply to adults. There’s something about him they don’t like and forcing a relationship isn’t going to do anybody any good.

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They clearly just don’t like him, stop forcing it

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He needs to kick their butts when he asks them to do stuff and they don’t

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I’m curious as to your definition of disrespectful. Are you lumping that in with not wanting to interact with him, or are they being disrespectful in another way like insulting him, talking back etc? If it’s simply just not wanting to engage, I think a lot of it may depend on the age of the kids. Most kids go through a phase where they have no desire to be around one or both of their parents. It’s It’s beginning of independence, which is not necessarily a bad thing. If we are talking about actually disrespectful actions or words, that should definitely be addressed and remedied. If it’s just being aloof from him, it may help if he tries to engage them in things they enjoy. Having said that, it’s important not to push to hard to get in. Sometimes just making himself unobtrusive but clear that he’s available and giving them some time to adjust to their own changes in growth and maturity will result in a turn around. Parenting is 60% patience and 35% questioning every choice you make. Hang in there!

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If only they knew what they had. My kids don’t have theirs and it crushes them. Their dads could be there but choose not to be…
Some kids just don’t click with ppl .
It’s not your husband’s fault or the kids maybe a small fishing trip or a dad day where he can just be with them.

Sit down as a family and see what is going on and ask the kids what would they like to do with dad to spend time with him

Sit down as a family and talk about it. Seek counseling.

If they are not close to him by now, there is a reason. Maybe talk to the kids and see if you can figure it out. Best of luck.

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That seems pretty odd imo. I would try talking to them privately to see what their thoughts are. See if this issue is deeper than what you think it is. Then go from there.

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You have both been so soft on the kids and that’s the results. Love your kids but when they do something wrong punish them. Pampering doesn’t discipline kids

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My sons are required to spend time with us. Time with me, time with my hubby, family time. They’re required to come detail a car at the shop, sweep floors, clean fish tanks or some other equally annoying job. Through the side conversations they’re having with me, their father or brothers, memories are made and bonds are created and formed. My sons don’t always like doing things together as a family but I don’t always like going to work. In life there’s some things they are just supposed to do. Spending time with family is one of them

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Following because we have the same issue

Get them away from video games

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If you are the parent who does it all (housework, works a job, takes them to appointments, sports, and caresfor them while sick) and he is just there they have good reason. Look at your situation at see what they see.

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Talk with them if its hurting him let them know he loves them

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If he’s been there the entire time and your telling the truth the hes “never mean to them” there’s something else going on and being left out that either you don’t know about or ignore.

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Its not disrespectful to just not enjoy one of your parents company, calling names and being over the top with it like ignoring and refusing to share common space can be, but you cant force your children to like you and trying to will have the opposite effect, this type of mentality is probably part of the issue, have him actually get invested in what they like and are interested in, and then try to casually involve himself in things they enjoy instead of most likely forcing his interests on them like alot of parents do when they want “bonding time”. But if these things dont at least help, theres most likely a bigger issue under the surface that needs to be looked into, children dont dislike a parent for no reason long term

In the same boat with my son and husband. Just wanted to say hugs mamma !!! :heart: It’s been a rough road.

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Same over here. Their dad works out of town 5 days a week . I finally just told the kids your going to respect your dad. When he ask you to do something with him do it. I explained that they’re dad loves them does so much for them and just didn’t give them a chance to say no when it came to doing stuff. It’s a lot better now. Definitely a work in progress.

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Make them do chores and DO NOT PAY THEM. THEY NEED TO LEARN REPECT NOW. HOW OLD ARE THEY .

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Family time away. From tv and electronic stuff

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Honestly kid’s know who’s actually there for them. It takes more than just being present, do they interact with each other besides when they get in trouble? That can also be a leading factor, I sit and color, make slime, draw, and read to my daughter. She also comes to me to help cook and clean when she sees me doing it by myself. She’s 5 years old, I don’t know the ages of your children but it seems, from what is described that he is just present and not actively engaging or bonding with your kids.

Kids that age or just “sometimey” (as my granny said) moods all over the place… can you think of a reason or situation, could be tiny, that would make them not want to hang out? Do they like hanging out with mom? Just him to keep trying and lick stuff they really love to do

Our son is same way for a good reason… I tried to help but it’s up to both of them . I am just extra there for son

Age? Make it a family
thing.

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Respecting there father and wanting to be involved and spending time are 2 completely different things. If they dont respect him then I ask why? Where has he dropped the ball as a parent? Or is it more like every time dad talks he is talked over or trumped by mom? So over to wanting them to spend time with him and be involved in guy stuff is a bit tricky, I say how old are the children and have they always been able to just do what they wanted. I would say if they are younger I say make family trips to do group family things and make them go with you and dad. Also you can tell them they can have a them day for every family day they have this is more bribery but it will work for older boys. And who knows they may get to like the family trips and decide they like it and want to go. Best of luck

My children’s father plays basketball with our eldest because that’s what our eldest son is into. He watches anime with our daughter and trades cheesy jokes with our youngest son. Dad cooks with them 2-3 times a week or when I’m away. Dad helps them with homework (especially math) and chores. He reads to our youngest every night after doing the bath/teeth brushing/pajamas routine (the older two have outgrown their desire for this ritual). He attends parent/teacher meetings, doctor appointments, school field trips, concerts, games, and other extracurricular activities. He is a primary care provider not just a financial provider. Kids bond most closely to those who provide their daily care.

Do game nights. It helps break down tenon and allows them to work together. Games where they have to be on the same team or just board games in general allow everyone to bond and have fun.

Kids know when you’re there physically and not mentally. Also, that part about him almost dying, talk to them about that, or get them to talk to someone qualified. About what they felt then about the situation and how they feel about it now. Maybe they’re pulling away because they don’t want to feel the way they felt when he was in surgery and ‘dying’.

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If you show respect they will too.

He shouldn’t be mean to them at all, even if they did something they shouldn’t

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Same… can’t force it. It’s sad but rather not push them further apart. Kids are just into their own stuff 1 of mine will try the other not at all

I would do a family vacation and plan activities everyone would want to do, such as a Waterpark. Also, if you role model respect for him, the kids will most likely follow your lead. I would also sit down with the kids and ask what’s going on…

I’m not sure about ‘getting my kids to…’ when it comes to their dad.

I think it’s something that grows by loving & nurturing them through their early life.

Not mean to them except when their in trouble is quite concerning too. Being mean to children for any reason is just wrong in my opinion, maybe that’s a lot of why they don’t want to be with him.
I wouldn’t respect someone who was occasionally mean to me whatever the reason & for any adult that’s completely accepted so why should children be any different.
Children are majority taught right from wrong through example from adults that they trust not fear from adults with unpredictable behaviour.

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I think you should just ask the kids whats going on, if you have a honest relationship with them they should tell you, just don’t be mad at the answer, and make sure they know that its a safe space to talk.Good luck :+1:

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Do you mean he’s actually mean (enjoying hurting and doing it on purpose) or that he is firm) stern. He needs to have individual relationships with them. He can do this by having a boys game night, a boys only dinner out, do other activities like throw a ball, eat ice cream. These outings should be fun. Out will need to be mandatory at first. They’ll come along.

I think you have your answer you just need to read your own question again. Parents don’t need to be mean, ever. Discipline is one thing…

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Why don’t you ask them? Kids have feelings and their own thoughts. Maybe talk to your kids

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Depends on what your definition of mean is. Is he more strict than you are? If you are the one asking this question then to me that screams your husband is not all that involved in the daily raising of your children. He himself has got to want to do things with his children before those children will choose to do things with him.

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Of a guy leaves
It is extremely hard to respect them.
That’s the way I see it.
Mom doesn’t get that luxury and kids see that

My kid’s are 16, 12, 11. They all have the same father. He up and left in 2012. And has had minimal contact with them since. My boy’s are the 11 & 12 year old. They don’t ask about him much. But my daughter is 16. And she lived with him twice. And moved back with me because of his girlfriend. She is impossible to get along with! And is jealous of my kid’s. When my daughter moved back with me, his girlfriend said, their father can’t have contact with them anymore. My daughter has tried so many times! To have a relationship with her father. And his girlfriend always messages her back, saying, he wants nothing to do with her! She has full respect for her father. But with me, not all the time. It’s her age. So I don’t think this father has done anything wrong. It might just be their ages. And you’ve already said, that he’s the one to do the discipline. Maybe they don’t like that. But of course you have to have some kind of discipline. Why don’t you discipline at all? They probably look at you like, "the good parent ". And think they can get away with more. Let both kid’s pick one think a week they wanna do. And pick a day. And that’s what they do with their father on that day. They shouldn’t be forced, but if he’s not doing anything wrong (abusive), then they should have a relationship with their father! It’ll definitely help them later in life. Especially since he is around! And wants to be around! Not every child has that option. And has to beg for a relationship with the other parent. And still doesn’t have that.

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I’ve seen kids abused by their parents and still want to be with them and look for validation from them so if I were you I’d ask the kids what’s going on. What exactly does “mean” when the kids are in trouble mean and is dad involved all the time or when it’s just convenient for him? There’s something missing.

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I understand your concern as a mom BUT your husband/their daddy needs to be the one concerned about his relationship with the kids. He has to be involved for more than just discipline,and maybe he is the post isn’t clear on some things. If you are concerned sit down and speak with your husband about the things you hear and notice. The two of you need to be on the same page. Just because he might not beat on you etc doesn’t mean other forms of abuse or neglect aren’t happening. Everyone at some point needs to be included in a family meeting where they do not have to fear being honest.

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You can’t. He will have to find a way into their life and work to be a part of it

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From experience with my son and husband/father of my son, if the father is generally disinterested and uninvolved, the children will lose interest in him, even when he’s trying to engage. Wanting to spend time with them for a couple hours every weekend doesn’t negate the lack of attention the rest of the week.

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If they have devices start a no device day every weekend or day he’s available. Don’t ask just say hey we gotta run do this get your shoes on… they will likely resist all of this but oh well they will have fun once they are out with him it’s just the initial part that causes resistance also don’t say we are doin this do you spend time with your dad just say new rule for our house it applies to parents to I feel like it’s time for some changes…projects not sure their age but projects that require them to think and help my husband builds flags my son now does them with him he’s 10 we went through a phase last year where my son didn’t want to do anything but gaming and we started removing devices and games on certain days the boredom gets to them they will want to get out of the house lol

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Honestly, sounds like they have already developed their own thoughts and feelings about him. You cannot change that no matter how hard you try. But HE can change his approach to them. What you should ask is what is he doing that they r disliking or upset about? What is it that makes them disrespect him so much. Find the root of it and have him adjust it.

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Have they observed him being “mean” to you? Has he spent a lot of time away from them, like being at work while they are home? Is he an alcoholic or drug user? There is more information to this.

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Not sure of their ages but seem old enough to know what goes on.
Hows the relationship between you and dad?
You should probably sit down with the kids and talk to them. Make them comfortable , do not attack them so they can openly talk to you.

No matter what children are still humans. They have their own thoughts and feelings towards everyone. Forcing a relationship especially in the way you framed it sounds toxic and gross imo. Stop forcing them to fit in this box of “caring for and respecting” someone. The ball is in dad’s court for how he decides to treat his children.

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Both of my girls r the same way.

Sit down with them and ask them why they feel this way and what they think will help the situation

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What do you mean they won’t do things with him? If they are that young then they shouldn’t have a choice. He needs to plan something he knows they will love and just do it!

Unplug them and set aside time to spend with their dad

He earned their actions with his own. It didn’t come from thin air. SMH.

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She said he is not mean

Persistence from the dad.

Yeah, sounds like he’s treating them worse than you care to admit & the relationship is suffering as a result.

That’s on him. You can’t make your kids stay involved with their father.

If he wants a relationship, he’s going to have to figure out how to make them trust & respect him again.

You can’t force them to have a relationship or respect for him. Maybe some family and individual counseling would help get to the root of it? It may not be all the kids, there has to be some reason they feel disconnected, and almost losing someone isn’t really a reason to have a relationship in general. It may strengthen one (or weaken) but it’s not going to just create feelings. Also, your definition of “mean” matters here, even if it’s just sometimes or when they’re in trouble, there’s a difference between being mean and discipline. Us fb users don’t have enough information really, I’m sticking with counseling being the answer, but again, you can’t force them to feel things.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My kids do not respect their dad: Advice?

I suggest counseling to figure out why they feel that way. It’s possible that almost losing him was very traumatic and now they keep a distance just incase something happens so it doesn’t hurt them as much.

I think dad needs to reevaluate. There has to be a reason they don’t want to interact. Maybe they don’t feel he’s owed respect. There’s nothing you should be doing…but there are things dad could do I’m sure like… talking to them. Maybe he needs to expand his interests to find things they enjoy doing together

Honestly? It’s their dad’s job to cultivate his relationship with his kids. Not yours. Any lack thereof should fall on him.

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“He’s not mean to them except when they are in trouble”. He shouldn’t be mean, in trouble or not and you cant force a child or anyone to do anything.

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Children do not learn to be disrespectful on there own. Its a modeled behaviour they pick up on. What you model. What you say and don’t say. How you relate to them and teach them to relate to you and other people will have an impact on countless other people. It only takes 1 parent to show kids to be respectful. You teach them how to do it my modeling it… kids don’t need to be told to be good or bad… they believe it by what they see. Hard truth to swallow but it Starts with you.

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Respecting him and wanting to spend time with him isnt equivocal unless there was a lot left out of this post. Kids grow up. It’s natural they want to spend less and less time with their dad/mom, especially in their teens. This should fall on dad not you.

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He shouldn’t ever be mean to them. When u say mean, elaborate. Because if he’s saying not so nice words, that can effect the kids drastically. Words hurt and u can’t take them back.

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