My children’s father’s girlfriend refuses to meet me. Please help. I literally know nothing about her and she knows nothing about me. I’m expected to allow her around my kids. I understand that he’s with a new girlfriend, that’s not the issue. She wants to be around my son & daughter but doesn’t want to meet me & that is sending huge red flags. I am their mom & just like I’d have the same respect for their father if I started seeing another man, I expect the same. Am I wrong? Over thinking?
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You have every right to meet her
I would have to meet them
What would you achieve from meeting her though? I’ve never had any interest in or gone out of my way to meet who my exs have been with. If he’s got any sense he won’t introduce them straight away anyway.
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I mean they’re being rude about it but technically they can pull that and he can choose who is around the kids behind your back
I’d be upset too. But you can’t force her to meet you.
I wouldn’t worry about it unless shes moving in. My ex has had girlfriends and most of them I never knew, the rest I already knew from my past. Think of it as your kids going on a camping trip or party with their friends family. Well their friends parents will likely have friends there too that you don’t know. You can’t control who comes in and out of their lives. The only thing you can do is make sure your children know you are there and ready to listen to anything and everything they have to say without them fearing repercussions.
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Sounds like a normal problem 
What does your court order say about it
That is an issue between you and him. How do you know she doesn’t want to meet you…
…maybe he doesn’t you to meet her. Could be your best friend. It is between you and him, not her. Does he have court ordered visitation, pay child support, by the looks of this post, I’m guessing not!
You can’t force people to be mature. You can only control you.
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Very hard when it comes to your kids I understand that. Do you trust your X to keep your kids safe?
Will you listen to your children when the come home after meeting her good or bad?
If you trust your X wouldn’t put your kids in harms way then I would give it a few before you demand to meet her. It’s all new I’m sure to everyone involved
Sounds like control…you gotta let that go.
I’ve always met the girlfriend before my kids were around them. I feel like it’s an unwritten law, for lack of a better way to put it. If your kids are older and can tell you about their time with their dad, I’d be a little more relaxed about it. I wonder how he’d feel if the tables were turned?
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If you want this you need to talk to your ex it maybe she has heard alot of had things
We are alll different and we should atleast respect each other!! And accept that we are all different and think different and there is nothing you can do🤷🏻♀️ its like helping and expecting for them to do the same but it doesnt go like that because we are all different. Some people ha ve bigger hearts, some smarter and some NOT and its ok.
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Idk I haven’t met my daughter’s fathers gf yet and it’s been almost a year i think? But as long as I keep hearing good things from my daughter I don’t feel the need to meet her
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I mean. She isn’t obligated to meet you. However, if she is watching your kids when he’s not around…I would insist on it and expect the same amount of respect to be given to him if the situation were reversed.
If she still refuses I would have a hard time being comfortable with her being around your kids if he is not around and insist on them being returned to your care if he has something come up.
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When my and my kids dad were split up and he started seeing some othe girl and it for serious I told him I needed to me her before I let her around my children. I’m with you !!
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Not wrong at all. This should be an issue for the dad too, why isn’t it?
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I don’t know what state your in momma but down here in southeast Missouri if you got custody of your kids you have a right to met who your ex is with and do a background check. I sure did.
She’s probably feeling uncomfortable however maybe you should invite her and your ex over. He can be with your kids whilst you and her get acquainted. Even kids will feel good see yourlls getting acquainted.
I haven’t met my ex-husband’s new wife. They’ve been together for almost 9 years now. It is what it is.
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You’re definitely not wrong!! Not sure why, she wouldn’t want to meet you!! That is only a respect thing!!
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I agree with u however the father needs to give you that respect he isn’t going to want just any man in his children’s life. If the relationship isn’t serious then he don’t need to have just any female around the kids either it’s to confusing. I think the one you need to speak to and be respectful don’t come off bossy or rude but the father of your children. Good luck
Not wrong on your part in the least. My ex and I had it written into our custody agreement that when we started dating the person had to meet the other parent first before meeting our daughter. We don’t get a say about the person that they are dating but we do get to meet them. This really makes you stop and think about who to introduce your kid to.
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Me and my kids dad have an understanding that I meet anyone who is going to be in my children’s lives when they are with him, I’m their mother and I’m their protector and he understands my concerns… if I don’t meet her she isn’t allowed around my kids… your child’s father should be respectful and make the meeting happen… her not wanting to meet you is a big problem, because if for some reason she doesn’t like you and that child is apart of you… that wouldn’t sit right with me as a mother because there are to many evil step parents in this world for me not to know who is around my child, and they’re getting a back ground check too… period!
My children are 27,25,18… I only felt the need to meet the girlfriend if there was an issue other then that I didn’t Care! If they are old enough to tell you stuff why do you care. I’m pretty sure if your ex is a decent dad he’s not going to let anything happen! You don’t need to meet her.
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Your 
right as far as I’m concerned
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It’s the respectful thing to do however… when the kids are with their dad it’s up to him to make the decision on who he does and doesn’t allow around them.
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No you are right anyone who has children need to be check out A CRB it best to be safe then sorry good luck 
Eh, it IS a red flag. I personally would never let my BD be disrespected like that and expect it vice versa.
But on whether there’s something you can do, I’m not sure, other than a civil conversation with BD about how you think it’s time to meet the person involved in your kids lives.
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His time with the kids is his time, as is mine. I trust him to make informed choices on who the kids are around, so I can’t really have a say and I have to respect other people’s boundaries.
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Nah, I’d want to meet her too. Just to know who is around my kids.
That tells a lot about the maturity level of this person… I would question how I would feel that reflecting on my kid.
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As long as he can meet your boyfriend
If it’s a new girlfriend she shouldn’t be around the kids until it’s serious then you can meet her.
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I’d absolutely want to know who my child is around ! I met my current Hubbys ex a few months after we were together . if we ever split I’d want to know who he’s bringing around my son . And vise versa .
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I understand how you’re feeling but unfortunately you have no say so in meeting her before she’s around your children. Try not to make it an issue and they will probably come around sooner.
I don’t trust my kids dad as far as I can throw him. His judgement is terrible and his maturity/responsible senses are shot. But, as much as I worry what shitey people he has our kids around and what terrible people his family are, I can’t tell him what to do. Yes I expressed my concerns, but that’s all you can do.
Some strong opinions from folks who don’t have all the facts. As a parent, you would want to know who your children have a relationship with. Hopefully, the parents step up and creates an amicable relationship for the benefit of all but if this was possible, no divorce
I never met any of my exhusband’s new gfs. I wanted to, he didn’t let me, nor even tell me who they were. I agree it is best to meet people who will be around your kids, but it is not in our control.
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You have every right to meet her, and she SHOULD be more than willing to meet you as well. But respect doesn’t count for much theses days.
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You aren’t wrong. However, you can’t stop her. It’s her choice. It’s not ideal, but she doesn’t have too meet you. And you can’t stop your kiddos from seeing her when they are with their dad.
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Do u all situations are different !!
God you can see why the relationship broke down in some of these replies.
News flash ladies, you dont get to control who your ex boyfriend, ex husband & baby daddy have around the kids in the way of a partner. If you can’t trust his judgement of who he has for a partner
I mean he dated/married you right, so it can’t be so bad… (or was it ) sooooooo just docus on your kids whilst in your care and don’t try to control or throw tantrums because the other girlfriend doesn’t want to know about you. Shrug your shoulders say whatever and focus on raising your kids!
Damn
I didn’t meet my bfs baby mom for awhile. Like year. And even then we only glanced at each other because our kids all go to the same school. We didn’t speak a sentence to each other until roughly a few months later . It turned out we had alot in common . I thin there was just the issue of my bf that was conflicting us from wanting to open up with each other. But I’m glad I did. I’d rather be civil 
we are all wanting the same outcome so why not work together
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I get your side and wanting to know her and who is around your kid(s)…. But sadly nothing you can do 
. Been there done that. I had to learn to get over it. I do keep an eye on things and know people that know her so that helps…. But otherwise you just have to remember that if you had a new man… you may not want them meeting either. In SOME ways it keeps the peace. No drama .
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You need to stand your ground and have court orders revised so that all parties must meet. Many significant others and step parents are harming kids these days . Do not back down
No you’re not wrong!! You have a right to know who is around your kids.
Only thing I can say is when I was with my now deceased ex me and his first wife, mom to 4 of his children met and became friends, when I had to have surgery she was the first one to step up and take my kids ( ours) so I could rest after surgery she is a fantastic person
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I’ve got one rule, as long as they are great to my babies that’s all that matters. Sometimes you are better off not being introduced
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Let’s face it, step parents are unaliving kids everyday. I 100% agree with the meeting
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You don’t know what he has told her about you. You also don’t know of it’s her who doesn’t want to meet you or if he is just saying that because he doesn’t want you to meet her. In any case, you may not like it, but you don’t have a say.
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Give her time . Maybe she is not ready yet . I was like that . Took me time to feel comforted enough to meet the mother of hubby’s kids .
Do you want your ex to interview every friend you have? You don’t have to meet her. Your ex is a parent and gets to make his own choices without you. You have the same freedom.
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Check her out online! She should meet with you. Sounds either guilty or afraid.
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The world we live in today, I wouldn’t want someone around my children in a setting that intimate. I’m not being paranoid, I’m being extremely careful where my children are concerned. God gave them to me to protect, and that includes anyone who will be in an intimate family style setting. And I feel no guilt about that and will never apologize for protecting my most precious gifts.
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If she doesn’t want to then that’s that. She doesn’t have to. Whether you like her or not isn’t gonna change anything.
Ideally, you could count on your children’s father to make appropriate decisions about who he allows around his children. End of the day you have very little input in how he wants to parent, just as he can’t tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. Yes we worry about our children, that’s perfectly normal but I think if you push so hard you’ll get the total opposite of what you’re wanting in this situation. If he’s a good dad, I’d personally back off a bit, give this woman a bit of time to figure out where she stands with everything, she will likely meet with you at some stage but will 100% get her back up with you if you try to micromanage. Hopefully your child’s father is a smart man who wouldn’t put his kids in harms way. Just as you try not to.
your right in wanting to meet her but wrong in demanding it , she also has the right to refuse
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She’s not obligated to meet you - the father has just as much right to bring people around his kids as you do. Obviously there is a reason she doesn’t want to meet you but we definitely don’t have enough background to decide if that’s warranted or not.
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Depends on age of kids. If under 4 I’d definitely have to meet her. Over 4 I can just get the dirt from my kids.
My 2nd husband was friendly with my 1st husband and that didn’t keep him from abusing my daughter. Some people are really good about being horrible.
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You can expect but that doesn’t mean they have to listen. It’s rough I know. I went through the same thing with my daughters father. Give it time. If you have a child support order you could add it in.
My ex husband and I have always had a rule if we are introducing someone to the kids they meet the other one first it’s just a respect thing for us
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You need to ease up and let it happen organically. I get where you’re coming from but you need to devise a better approach. That being said, he can do what he wants but I’d refrain from the girlfriend/kids interaction until after at least a 6 month period. Again, he can do what he wants and you have NO control over it. Be soft. Be no conflict unless they give you a legit reason and don’t be one of THOSE exes. Show grace. It’s frustrating. Been there. Lessons learned.
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That would be a big ole nope from me.
I wouldn’t expect them to meet me, especially if it’s a new relationship. If they’re there when we hand the child over, as long as they’re polite with me (and visa versa) and care for my child in their care, I’m happy. I’ve been lucky to become friends with my ex’s partner, you have to respect each others boundaries and personalities and don’t force yourself into their relationship just to make yourself ‘feel comfy’, show respect and you’ll gain respect x
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I honestly wish I never met my husbands ex wife, it’s done nothing to “help” the relationships. She isn’t required to meet you and I can’t blame her for not wanting too. The fact is, your kids will have lots of people in their lives that you won’t know, that’s something you need to accept. And you don’t get a say or control over who the dad has around his kids during his time, same works for him. As long as she treats the kids right, that’s all you should be concerned with.
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Sorry I understand what your saying but actually when he has parenting time he doesn’t have to tell you every single person he’s with and sees unfortunately. Once they move into together then at that point I can understand you having a talking relationship with her
I asked my ex to meet my husband back at the start and he did and it was all fine but I genuinely couldn’t point his partner out in a line up.
I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. He’s never asked me to meet her and I would if she asked but I’m not really bothered. It’s his life and if you trust him enough to have the kids you should trust his judgment in picking a woman to be around his kids x
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While it would be nice to meet her, she isn’t obligated to do so. I have no interest in meeting who my ex dates. He is their father and I trust him not to allow anyone harmful into their lives. Is there anything in your separation or custody agreement forcing each other to meet current partners?
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I have been in this situation and both sides of this argument make a great point. But for you the only thing that should matter is do you trust him to make good choices with you kids in mind. If you answered yes then I would let it go until something happens and you need to meet her. She not wanting to meet you could be a red flag but maybe just let this play out and see how it goes. As long as the kids aren’t in danger (that was my situation, she was a drunk and my ex refused to keep the kids away until they got in a physical fight in front of them) and they are happy then just monitor the situation. It is very frustrating being you in this situation and I 100% know how you feel. The hardest thing for me was wrapping my mind around trusting him with the kids where I didn’t know what was going on.
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Maaaan I bet your baby daddy talked so much ish about you to her 
So I might be blessed with a mature father of my kids, but I would not need to do all this. I trust that man enough to have shared custody (and I never thought it wasn’t fair or right, he made them too, and has just the same rights to them)
Now if it was some shady man with no job and bad habits… I could see. But na, I trust my children’s father. I know he makes the best choices for them.
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You don’t need to meet her now if he getting married to her and he feels the need to introduce y’all then fine his relationship is not ur concern .Now if u feel ur child is at risk then that’s different you can talk to him about it at that time
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My ex has a whole ass wife that I haven’t met nor care to meet. She’s in the Philippines, but she’s gonna move here eventually. She hasn’t reached out to me at all so I assume she doesn’t want to meet me either. As long as she’s nice to my kids I don’t care if I ever meet her tbh.
You are not wrong. He is. He is allowing an outsider to cause division. It is sad. I wish he could see the forest through the trees. This is just the beginning if he continues to date her. She will make it so that he stops peacefully co-parenting with you and the kids will suffer.
Social media stalk her probably not mature advice but it will help you learn a little about her
Possibly she isn’t yet committing seriously to the relationship yet.
She is not obligated to meet you. He can spend time with whomever he wants on his time. You have to trust him to make good decisions about those people, but have no right to impose that.
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I think it’s a huge red flag she won’t meet you.
I would think you two would meet in person exchanging the kids. I’m not sure what to think on this one. Lol. On one hand, if there’s no issues then she’s not an issue, but the refusal to meet seems odd. Maybe she’s an introvert?
I don’t care what the rules are or legality of it. If you’re around my kids I’m meeting you!! Too many behind the scene issues happen when things like that are overlooked. So many step parents take out issues on the kids it’s gross. I would 100% be meeting her and seeing what she’s like
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Id be concerned personally if she’s refusing to meet you.
My sons dad has met my partner, and if he starts dating I’d also like to meet his partner.
Much better to be civil and at least have a brief knowledge of the person who is being introduced into your child’s life.
I have someone I’m close to and it’s literally in the custody agreement for situations like this. They must meet them or they cannot be around the kids or watch the kids.
Unfortunately she doesn’t need to meet you.
I’d assume he’s a good dad as sees your child,it’s not actually a red flag, I know alot who don’t want to mix or see the ex, exactly the reason you show and its controlling behaviour especially saying its a red flag. The kids are ad much his and he has right to do as pleases when in his care, I’ll assume you tell him all?
As difficult as it is, you don’t get a vote.
Meeting her is irrelevant.
Your ex can be with whomever he chooses and unless and until something goes awry, there’s nothing you can do about it.
What’s gonna happen if you don’t like her?? You think you can keep his children from him?
Run a background check, if there’s nothing there, let it go.
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Over thinking. Maybe she doesn’t feel that the relationship is that serious for a meet up.
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My ex knows who im dating but only from when they were 18 to 20. Were much older now.
Whew… this is a hard pill to swallow for some, i know, but having children doesn’t excuse you from respecting peoples boundaries. Not everyone wants to meet you, that doesn’t mean they’ll be a negative influence on your children. You can request it but she’s an autonomous adult and if she declines and your ex husband feels she’s a good person to have around the kids then you’d need to respect that. Who he introduces the children to and at what time is his right.
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I see a lot of comments telling you to back off, I strongly disagree. My daughters dad and I had our daughter very young! I have been with my current partner for 5yrs now and we all hangout as a family. My daughter is proud to have 2 dad’s! The agreement we currently have is that he should date someone for 3 months before introducing her to our daughter and myself. Yes, I included myself. We are a packaged deal, we have a very blended and happy family. We have an open relationship and communicate often regarding our daughter and the ever changing schedule. On top of seeing eachother twice a week at karate, he’s at all parties, holidays, school events, etc. If he can’t find a girl that respects that and wants to be apart of that, then she’s not the girl for him. We’ve never once argued over this, we agreed together and it’s worked. In the past 8yrs he’s only had 2 ‘serious’ relationships. I got along with both of them and neither of them appeared to have issues with meeting me. After the initial meeting, I don’t mind them doing things together with just our child… but I am extremely grateful her dad respects me and agrees that I have every right to meet the ppl he plans on having around our daughter. It’s not about control or intruding on their time. It’s mutual respect. Regardless of all the issues we’ve had with eachother (mostly bc we were young and immature) I’m so thankful for the relationship we have and raise our daughter together, instead of having separate lives.
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It’s not about protecting the kids. It’s about control, jealousy, and nosiness!
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You wont have a say unless theres something in the custody agreement. Me and my daughters dad put it in during mediation that no significant others until weve been together 6months minimum. I waited until 9month
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Nope you are right. If she is unwilling to meet me than she would not be allowed around the kids. Your ex should understand . If she still refuses and he doesn’t support you, take steps to protect your kids. Better safe than sorry
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I wouldn’t like it either. However there’s nothing you can do about it
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My ex and I have a very clear agreement. No one comes around our daughter in that capacity without both of our knowledge and approval. End of story. I dated a guy shortly who tried to bypass my agreement with my ex… he may be my ex. But he’s still my daughters dad.
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Let the kids give you the vibe. Then do your Mom thing.
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You know, it could be the man who doesn’t want his girlfriend to meet his ex. Just saying, that could be a possibility. And there could be very valid reasons for it. I’ve seen many different situations with blended families and dealing with the ex. Some are good and some are horrible. I think as long as she’s good with the kids, it should be fine. The kids will definitely let you know if they feel weird around her. Sorry to say but this is what life will be like now that you’re separated and co-parenting. You have to trust the other parent is making the right decision with who they are bringing around your kids. I won’t tell you not to worry because all moms worry but we also can’t control everything around our kids. Hang in there and do your best to be a positive support for your kids. They are the ones going to be most effected just by seeing their parents split and with other people.
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