QUESTION:
"I’m at a loss and need advice, or maybe overreacting. My husband does not want to spend time with our 18-month-old son and me. He’s a good dad to our son, plays with him here and there, holds him. Kisses, hugs. Me, on the other hand, I received none of that.
If he’s going to give attention to anyone, I’d prefer it to be our son because he deserves it. My husband comes home from work, eats, then goes straight into a different room to play video games most nights. He always says it’s only going to be for an hour, but it ends up being until he goes to bed.
He was leaving me alone with the baby all evening. I’ve told him time after time it hurts and would prefer he spent more quality time with us. But he doesn’t listen. He won’t go anywhere with us; fun things for our son to do, I either do alone or bring my mom along.
I feel alone in my marriage and unwanted. I’ve given up trying to make him spend time with us at this point.
Also, I finally was able to make my dreams come true of opening my own business I’ve dreamt of for years. I thought he’d be so happy for me and encourage me, but its the opposite. Every free moment I have is spent at the shop getting it prepared for the grand opening; he never wants to come along and help me. He has no care in the world about supporting me. As far as he’s concerned, it’s my business 100% and he wants nothing to do with it.
I’d love nothing more if he would want to be there, help make decisions, help with paperwork, taxes, etc. But I do everything alone. Not only do I do everything around the house (I literally have to ask multiple times for him to even take the trash or mow the yard, I’ve even had to do it myself when he ignores me for days) take care of our son, and now run every aspect of this business alone. I don’t know how much longer I can handle a one-sided marriage but I love him. Am I overreacting?"
RELATED QUESTION: When do you know when it’s time to walk away from a marriage?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“Darling, since you’re doing everything all by yourself anyway, throw the whole man-child away. He is a drain on your time, resources, and finances. He serves zero purpose in your life except to make you feel alone and sad. You don’t need that, neither does your little one. Sounds like you are smashing goals without his input or support and would continue to do so if he was not in your life at all. You are a Boss, Queen!”
What exactly do you love about him currently — not the Him Before, but now? Me personally? I’d rather be alone than feel alone, what’s the difference."
“You’re married to an emotionally stunted man-baby. Please go continue being amazing, just you and your son. Maybe one unsuspecting day, a real man will see your value and WANT to take out the trash, give you a beautiful yard that the three of you play in, and be proud to stand by you in love and home and business. You sound amazing.”
“You are getting nothing from him, you’ve been doing the whole marriage on your own. He is just a body walking in and out of your home, if you get no emotional commitment, cut him loose, you don’t need the baggage.”
“Honey, if you’re already doing everything alone, what do you need him for?.. added stress? I’ve been there. Kicking him out was the best decision I ever made. I was already doing everything alone and I no longer felt resentment towards him for not being an active member of my household. That was over 10 years ago and I have three girls. They’re grown now and I have a husband who helps me in every aspect of our lives. Don’t let that anger and resentment fester because your baby will sense it over time. You deserve to be happy and have someone that is invested in you as much as you are. Congrats on the new business.”
“Ask yourself this, ‘do I want this for the next 50 years?’ Of course you don’! Get rid of him. I put up with worse, and mine never grew up. You are a very capable strong woman, you don’t need to carry this extra weight, be that single mum! You can do this with your eyes closed.”
“Agreed, FYI You can love someone and not enable their behaviour. It’s called an amicable divorce.”
After fights, begging and pleading with mine - a bit of a different story but similar issues - to change, help, and be more involved I gave him a choice and he chose to leave. I asked him if he even wanted to be here with me and our baby and he said he didn’t so he left I sobbed cried about it of course I didn’t expect him to leave, but I realized I was already doing it all he was offering nothing and still taking by making me sad lonely and angry. He came back after 5 hours crying saying he didn’t know what was wrong with him and he didn’t want to leave us and he’d change, he’d made a huge mistake and loved me and our baby. And he has changed he’s a different dad and husband, but I don’t let him forget about it, if he starts getting weird again I remind him of the fact that I don’t need him I choose him, and if there comes a day again when he quits choosing us he can leave. You don’t need to feel like this, good luck momma!"
“I would go stay at family or a friend’s house and see how long it takes him to notice you are gone. Give him a taste of his own medicine and see what he does. Good luck with your new business.”
“You know I was in a marriage just like yours. I stayed married for twelve years and finally divorced him. My son was 18 months old. The only difference after my divorce was I didn’t have to worry about his dinner or when he was coming home. Take my advice tell him he has to change or get out. He may be addicted to video games.”
“If you’re going to act like a single parent, then you may as well just be a single parent.”
“Give him an ultimatum. Period. Point out what he has neglected to do and what he chooses to do instead. Tell him where he needs to step it up at and that if he doesn’t, then you and the kid will leave since he isn’t doing right by y’all.”
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