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QUESTION:
"Little background info. My husband and I both currently work nights. Him full time, me 2-3 days a week. We have 8 and 6 year old daughters. My mom currently watches them for me from 9pm to 4am on the nights that we both work. They are sleeping this entire time so she either sleeps or stays up and does whatever she wants. Recently my mom has been going off on me about the schedule, or saying I don’t spend enough time with my kids. Mind you, I work from 8pm to 4am while my kids are asleep. Every waking moment, besides when they are in school, I am with them. Every once in a while I get called into work at 4pm, once a week or every two weeks maybe. Yesterday i picked up a noon-8pm shift. My husband was home to be able to stay with the kids. He just got home at 1pm from working 13 hours, has zero sleep at this point. At 4pm, she called me asking if I could watch my nephew, I said I was at work but she could bring him by my house with E (my husband) and the kids. She huffed and brought him over. He didnt want to stay so she ended up taking him with her. She called me later on and said “this cant keep happening”. She went on and on about how “we” cant be sleeping when the kids are home. First off, I dont sleep when my kids are home. The weekends, we all sleep in and if they wake up before I do, they are still just lounging being morning bums. Nothing wrong or bad happening. But yesterday my husband was sleeping when they got home from school, and when she decided to bring my nephew over. My girls knew that he was going to be napping and/or extremely tired from work. They didnt fuss about it what so ever. They got their own snacks, found something to keep them busy and it was all fine. They called me multiple times from their tablets and I talked with him for a while. Anyways, my mom goes off saying how she had to quit her 2nd job to take care of us back in the day. How I shouldnt be picking up shifts (its literally how my job works and how I make money). I dont pick up shifts if it doesnt work for my family. I knew my husband was home so my kids were taken care of. She goes off basically hinting at me quitting my job. Im at work so I’m not fully having this conversation in front of my co-worker. My thing is how are we supposed to make it on 1 income, we cant! I make hella good money doing what I do and I absolutely LOVE my job. I dont know if I am overthinking this and I know I’m not explaining this very good either. But what am I supposed to do here? This isnt the first time my mom has pulled this. She believes that my kids just roam the house surviving on scraps of food doing whatever they please and that is FARTHEST from the truth. I get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, not all at one time either. My husband has to get more than that because of the job he does. He sleeps from either 9am-4pm or 1pm to 8pm while I am up with them. They are healthy, spoiled, smart, excelling children and I as their mother take great offense to someone telling me I’m not doing good enough when all I do is bust my ass for those babies. I am the primary parent, husband works so much he doesnt do much with them. I quite literally control this household, nothing goes in/out without me knowing about it. My kids might want, but they never need. I provide everything they need and about 90% of what they want on top of that! So for my mom to basically tell me i need to quit my job, it hurts and its infuriating. No one tells my husband to cut back hours, no one tells my sister in law to cut back on her night shift hours (who really does not see her son 6 days a week). But the person who works when her kids are asleep, who gets barely any sleep on a daily basis, is the one who gets the backlash."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I don’t think your mom will ever stop. Moms are very hard on their daughters for some odd reasons. If it works for you and your family that’s all that matters. You work 2-3 days a week, so I don’t understand where your mom is coming from. Might have to distance yourself from your mom so she gets the hint. If working makes you happy do it!"
"I think you already answered your own question. Your mom is heavily in a judgment zone. You know your kids are loved, safe & cared for. Set your boundaries with your mom, but try not to feel like you need to defend yourself."
"Consider getting a different care taker for when you are at work. Not knowing all the circumstances, maybe your Mom wants to enjoy being a grandma without being the baby sitter also."
"Maybe she doesn’t want to watch them anymore I’d would find different child care then she won’t even know when you have the kids and when you don’t"
"Tell her to mind her business. You are their mom and YOU will decide what’s best. If the issue is her watching them then that is what needs to be discussed."
"Sounds like she was a bad mood that day for something else and used to opportunity to tell you what was on her mind. She is probably tired of being a sitter so think about giving her a rest and get someone else or she is going to keep fussing."
"Sounds like maybe one of your girls has told mamaw something and mamaw doesn’t want to just say hey (kids name) said you never are home to tuck them in or read a story or maybe something along those lines. Maybe sit down and talk to your mother and get to the bottom of why she said this…"
"It sounds like she’s in a bad mood taking it out on you….OR….she does not want to babysit anymore"
"Hire a babysitter and don’t ask her anymore"
"She sounds tired. Exhausted. May be her way of saying she no longer wants to watch the kids."
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