My mom's living conditions are terrible, how can I help her?

My mom's living conditions are horrible! She has alot of health problems but I think alot of those could improve if she was able to move. Every time she comes to visit the kids (which isn't often) she brings cockroaches with her and every time, after she leaves, I have to spray the house so I won't get them. I can't bring this up to her cause she gets super embarrassed and I feel bad. I have asked her to not bring her purse in the house and she doesn't. But last time, she brought my daughter a backpack for school and I tried to tell her she already had one but, she brought it anyways and yeah, I had to toss it after she left and sure enough, a few roaches have shown up. So I had to spray again. And yes, I'm positive its her cause her house is infested (sorry I know) and they only show up when she visits. Which like I said, is not often cause I don't like dealing with the bugs and it pisses me husband off. I sound horrible I know! Neither of us make very much money so I can't really help her find a new place to or be able to get her new furniture/everything if she does move. I have invited her to come stay with us and just leave all her stuff and start over but she won't. She's set in her ways and likes being able to drink/smoke without judgment. She likes having her own space, even if its in terrible condition. I also go over there alot to help clean and spray but the way she lives, its really a moot point. You can't even open her door without a million roaches falling out. This isn't sanitary!! But I don't know what to do about it!!! She won't let me help her! I've also talked to her about maybe getting into an assisted living but she's afraid they won't let her do what she wants. My husband doesn't like having her over because she brings bugs but I like for her to see the kids cause she doesn't get to see them very often. And there's no way the kids can step foot in her house. Is there anything I can do? I've also offered to meet at a park but she questions it and asks why she can't meet at my house. I don't want to tell her its cause she brings bugs, it'll upset her. I've tried once but she gets really defensive and agitated. I know she doesn't want to live this way, not really, but she won't let anyone help her.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom's living conditions are terrible, how can I help her?

Look into elderly Apts or condos they allow her come and go as pleases and more freedom then say a care home. Does she have landlord if so they can ve in serious trouble and have to remedy the issues

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I think you should get a pest controller to go over and spray the house so atlesst it gets rid of the roaches problem. Then go over or get a company to give it a good clean. Will be easier to stay on top of then

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Does your state have a program to help seniors and disabled folks with household tasks? In California it’s called In Home Supportive Services.

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Pay to get her house cleaned and sprayed if you don’t want to do it yourself

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Have a frank conversation with her about the big issue. I realize she doesn’t want help but she NEEDS it. Give her a timeline and get her to a better state of living. If she refuses threaten with Adult Protective Services. I know you’d hate for her to be embarrassed but isn’t how she’s living worse??

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I wouldn’t be letting anyone in if they kept bringing cockroaches, mother or not that’s just not right. Can’t even blame your husband for not wanting her there. Either keep her out of the house or find a solution for hers

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Call her landlord if rented hire a pest sprayer and cleaner come in once week

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I would contact the Department of aging and see what type of assistance they may be able to offer and hopefully get her conditions improved. It’s possible she may also be having some issues with depression

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Arrange to get her house exterminated.

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had the same problem with my mom and fleas. I just hired and exterminator without her permission and he showed up at her door and yea fixed her problem. maybe the same would be good for you?

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If she rents call the landlord, if she owns it you’ll have to get help for seniors and get the house bombed for bugs

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A mixture of half borax and half sugar mixed in shallow pans will get rid of them.

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tell her the truth n add that the bugs will cause her harm health wise call extermator to do a whole house spray while she gone

When I closed on my house there was a layer of dead roaches in all the cabinets. I was so scared they’d come back. I paid orkin to spray the house and that was expensive. I found another place to spray every 3 months and it’s just $65. If I see any bugs they come spray again with no charge. My recommendation is call around and see because it may not be as expensive as you think.

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:roll_eyes:🤦 you put your family at risk by letting her set foot in your home! My God, someone needs to call Elder Services.

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Mom or not she knows what’s going on and it’s unsanitary! She is in-denial and doesn’t respect boundaries apparently. I wouldn’t let her in my house unless she came empty handed or she’d have to sit outside.

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Go in get her house clean go by foggers and raid spray start fogging you will have to let the house sit for 4 hours then go in with gloves and masks and start spraying any live ones you see every time you see every time she sees a whole bunch or sees any she needs to spray go in once a week and fog her house open everything up it will get rid of them I have had a bad infestation myself due to the area that I live in and that’s what I have to do and also buy home defense spray that you can spray outside of the house and around the front and back door

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If it’s as serious as you make it seem to where it’s affecting her health as someone else mentioned contact the department of aging and possibly code enforcement. You have to stop thinking about how offended she might be and think of her health first! Try to meet with her one on one maybe for lunch somewhere a little more private. And have a serious talk with her, if she becomes defensive and won’t budge do what you have to. Perhaps give her an ultimatum with the children and help her understand it would be for them as well! They could spend more time with her and she would be around longer if she took control of her health. At some point you’re going to need to do what’s best even if it isn’t what she wants. Good luck, sounds awful in a sad way. No judgment here, just very sad that you’re having to make these kinds of decisions.

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Dear God please help this family solve their problems.

Call social services or elder services

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There is a ton of programs for seniors. What state and county? If you google resources for seniors in your area you may be surprised. Also, medically needed you can get a referral for at home care from her dr possibly. They help with alot. Gotta tackle bug problems head on with cleaning and e exterminating. Massey is great. Will take work to clean the nests in house. Once you get house clean call relible exterminators

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Not sure she would qualify for assisted living anyway but check into independent living in a facility. If that’s not an option, I would definitely have the dreaded conversation with her. Get the landlord involved, if there is one, to get a professional exterminator on or hire one yourself. I think your mother’s health and well being are more important then her saving face.

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You really just have to tell her the truth… If she really wants to be around her grand kids then she’ll do what’s necessary to do so… You have to set boundaries and keep them. I know it’s hard but also you shouldn’t have to sacrifice getting infested!!! Sounds like your mom really needs help, therapy could really help her… I hope everything works out for you all♥️

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This stuff will get rid of them. I moved into an apartment years ago that was infested and this actually worked. It’s $8 at Lowes but $16 at Walmart.

https://www.lowes.com/pd/Combat-2-1-oz-Roach-Killer/50073141?cm_mmc=shp--c--prd--lwn--google--lia--241--indoorpesticide--50073141-_-0&placeholder=null&ds_rl=1286981&gclid=CjwKCAjwjdOIBhA_EiwAHz8xm4r-N-zrxuVvDQoaDRjfObEp74RfVHZEW2Q7dwadL54Os8oWhkp4rhoCtKwQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

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Be truthful with her. It will upset her but I doubt she will be mad forever. Roaches are disgusting and very hard to get rid of.
I know you don’t wanna start an arguement but she definitely knows what she is living in.
Don’t give up, just be honest & call around to see what options she has as far as living. It doesn’t seem like she can really take care of herself.

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Go get some martin fire ant powder and put it in her and your cabinets and I bet you will see her bugs disappear.

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If she rents her landlord should be paying to take care of this

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You need to use some tough love here. If her living conditions are that bad, she will eventually get ill because of them. Honest you just need to go in with kindness, but be firm and just say what are we cleaning up today. Go through the house one room at a time. And then after everything is taken care of hire a cleaning service. Maybe she just can’t keep up with the day to day chores of the house anymore. Seriously make her call the cops on you for cleaning up her place. She won’t because I doubt very much she wants it on record how she is living; she could have the house condemned if it isn’t safe to live in.

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Take out of the house for a couple of days and get an exterminator to spray the intire house in and out. Then go clean the heck out of it.

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I personally would make her pack a bag for a week and stay somewhere else and set off bombs everyday then go in and clean everything.

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This will take care of the problem especially those small ones.

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Have her house sprayed!!! That is gross, hire someone to clean it after that. It’s very unsanitary for her to live in those conditions.

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Go help her clean her house up…

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Sometimes you need to practice tough love. Explain to her the problem you bring roaches over when you come. Mom Iove you but I can’t allow myself to get roaches. I will gladly help you get rid of them. Call the landlord if she is renting to get rid of them. Call and report it to the health department. Good luck and God bless

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I dont mean to be rude or anything but you only have one mama when shes gone you will miss her like crazy. Instead of your husband being so hateful he could help exterminate her place and make it livable for her.

I’d say call elder services. If she wont allow family to help then that’s the best option. Roaches carry so many diseases and if her health is already bad then it needs to be dealt with ASAP.

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Her health is worth more than her getting upset hun. She tough loved you a time or two I’m sure. It’s her turn. I’ve had to do it to my mom over a few different situations. It sucks but it’s better than the alternative

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I would be straight up with her about the roach problem.

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Make a report to adult protective services. Include the severity of the infestation and lack of housekeeping. It would be enough to condem the house and force her to move legally. They would probably insist on assisted living as she’d have someone in there often to prevent this from happening again

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Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind…talk to her doctor, they can send a nurse to check on her living condition, perhaps she’ll get the help she needs, whether its cleaning help or into a assisted living .

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Could you possibly get her house professionally sprayed

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If she rents contact rental company if she owns call a bug company! It will take more than once but depending on what she lives around you may have to do it once a month.

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Hire her an exterminator. Those insects can be brought in from anywhere.

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If sHe’s in an apartment or a rental call the health authority and report it. They may make management or landlord do something.

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Her health is more important than making her feel embarrassed. Talk to her.

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I’m sorry but she’s an adult. As are you. Who cares if she gets upset. She wont stay upset. You need to tell her. Then plan out a treatment. Tell her not to buy more food. Eat what’s in her fridge then when it’s almost empty, trash what’s left, tell her pack some clothes straight outta the dryer into a plastic bag. Open all doors drawers ect & put foggers in each room & make her leave with you for a few days. On the second day, go in & jostle everything around & do it again. Fog again. Also put out roach motels (they’re super cheap) That’s really all they can do.

Call APS immediately she’s living in deplorable conditions and sounds like she’s got some really bad issues mentally going on. They will put her in an assisted living most likely and condemn her place.

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You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

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Sometimes you have to love from a distance….try doing things together out in public.

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Have house spray by people that does that if she doesn’t keep it clean after that she may need assisted living.bugs can get in stove,bed, every thing else in house food to

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Could maybe a aging Agency help her to get it exterminated see about getting her some help

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There’s a roach powder you use to buy at dollar general. Put it around all walls they carry it back to their nest and soon their all gone…just keep it out for a while
Works good.

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You can’t help her if she doesn’t want it. Sounds like you’ve made an effort to help. Just be honest, " we’re meeting at the park because I’m done with bugs" or just say something like " it’d be a shame to waste such a beautiful day".

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Take borax with you and sprinkle that shit everywhere when she isn’t looking :rofl:

BORIC ACID- it’s cheap and very effective

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Many cities have programs that will help. I would call her city and let them know she needs help.

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Get her house sprayed maybe? Or can you call CPS maybe? Good luck I know this sucks.

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:100:If she moves, the likelihood of anything changing is MINIMAL.:100: She will bring bugs when she moves everything to the new place. She will continue her lifestyle. Best advice is to work with her to change it. Be gentle but direct. I know it is hard but for her health and yalls it needs to be done

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I draw the line over safely or cleanliness. She knows she has these bugs, and she knows they travel with her places. Be straight up honest & tell her you can’t have them transported to your home. Your family doesn’t deserve those germs. She either cleans her living conditions up, or she doesn’t come to your house. There are lots of fun places to meet for the day

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I’ve been there. First things first, call her an exterminator to help start getting the infestation under control. It will take more than one visit from them. Then help her go through her things and keep only what’s necessary, most of her stuff is most likely already ruined due to the roaches. Help her figure out a new living situation and help her with the steps and get her moved out. She’s definitely embarrassed and overwhelmed by it to the point She’s more than likely disassociated from it and is just trying to survive it. It will not get better without these steps. She has to move. You have to let her know it is what it is and you’re here to help not judge. This is a hard situation that most wouldn’t fully understand unless they’ve lived it. I wish you all the best!

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Get her this stuff. It works 100% we’ve helped many people get rid of roaches with it. Give it a couple of weeks, maybe even a couple of months and it will get rid of them.

advion 383920 4 Tubes and 4 Plungers Cockroach German Roach Pest Control Inse, Brown https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00730QW70/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_0PKP9ZBK80XWW6Q3EC20

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Pay to get her house sprayed

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She may not like her situation but feels it’s her bed… She has to live there… She’s doing her best. Try to love her. Help when and where you can. You sound like a wonderful daughter.

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She should have her landlord take care of the roaches. And she needs someone to go take care of her if she can’t properly take care of herself.

It also helps to keep everything in tins or Tupperware

Maybe just ask her to stay with you for a few days while her house gets cleaned? Call an exterminator and tell her that you don’t want to see her live this way. Offer to pay for the exterminator. Maybe you have to be honest with her even if she gets upset by it. But still be nice about it.

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Buy her this and tell her to sprinkle everywhere. It will get rid of the bugs. It stinks but it will kill the hell out the bugs. Also she needs to vacuum and get rid of as many items as possible.

Call the health dept. Very bad for health.

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You can call social services they don’t just deal with kids.

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Can she live with you?

She is bent in her old ways, and it will feel as though you are telling her what to do as though
Better than her.
You need to clean her place and let her know to keep it clean.
call rent to kill let them get rid of those roaches

Maybe she’s depressed as well. Maybe it’s all beyond her.
There could be other factors that are affecting her.

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When you come over to clean, bring insect foggers and use them.

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If she is renting, her landlord should be contacted and it should be their responsibility to get the place bug bombed. Check with your area tenancy board
Once that is done, go in with some family members and help her clean the place up, then help her keep it clean

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If she lives in a apt building u can have the cleanest house and still have roaches they are actually attracted to water but when in a grouped building they spread everywhere and it may be out of her control and u can also be bringing them in from being at her place

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As a person who has dealt with hoarders all my life, (I am the complete opposite to the point of severe OCD of cleaning/cleanliness due to growing up around it)… anyway… what I’ve learned is there is no helping them when they don’t want to help themselves. Depression/anxiety/PTSD are all huge factors in people who live in conditions such as hoarders, etc. The best solution is try to help in anyway or find resources in the community that can help and take it day by day. Don’t push her because like you’ve mentioned… it provokes anxiety, embarrassment etc.

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Don’t let your husband say anything about your mother period. He has no right getting angry. Frustrated yes but regardless thats YOUR mother u only get ONE!!!

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Maybe you should get social services involved to help her!

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You have to call the health department to get her checked out she is possibly fighting depression I have a cousin who was in denial till it was too late then when she had to have her leg amputated she really was trying to get back on her feet and it was not happening too late from not being active her whole life so tell her you love her and you want to see her up and active and want to get her help and that you believe she is fighting it .

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Shes your mother. She has spent her entire life loving, supporting and fulfilling your needs. Now it’s time you stand by her and just love her unconditionally. Yes there’s a issue. A big one. So go and clean it for her, help her more, get a pest control person out. She may have depression and you said she has health problems, so you need to be there supporting her more. We as mums give our lives for our children. I see too many that once they grow up and have their own families they then just forget who was always there for them. I feel like you seriously need to sit back and start appreciating her and get priorities right. You should never allow your husband to say a single bad word about her. And you shouldn’t be either. You only get 1 mother. Treasure her!!!

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Sorry tell her the truth. I have a relative who house was the same. They are not allowed in my apt mom or not sorry. I’ve been here three yrs no roaches and I’m not gonna to be the one to start. If you didn’t grow up like that …sorry to say your mom maybe be going thru some type of mental issue or depression.Tell a Dr and see what they say until then mom or not don’t come here and don’t send anything… if she doesn’t want your help so be it… Either she change her ways or she just not welcome .talk on the phone

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There no way i would beat around the bush with my mother and her sanitary needs. You need to sit her down and have a conversation about it. Why is she like this. Whats going on.

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I would tell her about the cockroaches - not a very healthy situation for her.

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My mother was the same way and fought me every. time I tried to help her.

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Pest control services is like $30 a month. My grandmother had a old trailer and the roaches lived in the walls, it was so bad …we got them under control in 3 mths and by the 6th month we hardly ever saw one. Trust me it’s worth it.

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If your mom wasn’t living like that when you were growing up then there’s probably something more going on. You are gonna have to help your mom through this. But if you guys grew up living in those conditions then there’s probably not much you can do for her at this point.

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Who cares if she gets offended!!
Her health and well being is more important.

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Go over and help her clean and then maybe call an exterminator (they are not really that expensive) and get cheaper with their visit as they come. Good luck and hopefully it all works out.

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Of your are that concerned and are unable to help her yourself then call senior services

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Is she a hoarder? Could you contact that show! Hoarders? And maybe they could come clean the place for her & help restore it?

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Your local police will do a safety check. And it can be anonymous. So you don’t have to be the bad guy.

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Touch love that’s what I would be doing. Call the appropriate services to get her help. Seeing as she’s used to it, she may not be seeing it as big of an issue as it should be.

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I wouldn’t let her ever step foot into my home.Call whoever you need to,that’s serious.She also may have something really seriously mentally going on because that’s just down right disgusting. Hopefully since she is your mom,you get her the help she needs.

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Call adult protective services. That would be the best thing you could do for her. Have her get the mental health help she needs.

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Honestly you need to get the health department and maybe adult protective services involved. We have relatives like that and it came down to Change your ways or never see us. You shouldn’t be going into her unsanitary house., Absolutely shouldn’t!

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You could call anonymously like senior living DHS and request a well check. Make the health dept force her to clean up her act

Help her out. It’s your mom. Pay for the service if need be…maybe she’s on a limited income?? She loves you, comes by, brings gifts. I’m sure it’s embarrassing for her…but love her back. Place a few bombs in house and car!! Lots of ways to deal with it without hurting her feelings. Maybe she has tried herself. If she lives on an apt it can be especially hard to get rid of.

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