How do I deal with my MIL expecting to be waited on hand and foot at my house at all times? Every time we have them over she sits back, relaxes and waits to be called to the table for dinner. We prepare the food, set the table all while she sits back and watches. Once dinner is finished, she, again, sits back, plays with my daughter and allows us to clear her plate and do the dishes all without lifting a finger. I just don’t know how to get the point across that this is not a hotel and I would rather not host you at all than be treated this way. Send help!
Try asking her, if she could lend a hand and see the reaction. Few people don’t do anything because they are not asked to do. If this doesn’t work repeat the same in her house 🤷. Try to communicate to her that this behaviour is not welcome and she is not welcome. If this continues either you or your spouse will have a burn out of energy.
From the start tell her when you’re here help yourself to the food and drinks. Don’t beat around the bush tell or ask her for help! Or do the same shit at her house.
Wait, isn’t that what guests do?! Is she coming a lot or something? Once in a while?
All I can say is, you’re hosting. If this was at her house then yeah that’s a dick move but it’s your house, you’re the host. She should be at least offering to clear up yes I understand that part but at the same time, ask her to help you out. She’s come round for food, she’s not come round to be your cleaner.
Just ask her for assistance. Some women are the queen of their homes and prefer to do it themselves. Maybe she doesn’t think you want her help, I’m sure if you ask that she would be more than happy to help.
I don’t expect my MIL to do anything when she visits. She’s playing with your child. She’s being a Grandma. She raised your spouse. Maybe she deserves a break. Stop being petty.
I’m sorry but if my 4yo can clear his plate so can she
Just flat out tell her. Period…
As far as the meal preparation, having dinner and clean up is she the only one who doesn’t offer to help? She is your guest, but there is a limit to how much more I would do.
Oh ffs. You’re young, do the job at your house. She lived her life waiting on people (your husband) She’s your guest. Get over yourself and do the dishes have your husband help.
Did you invite her over? If so then she is the guest.
Does she wait on you at her house or do you help her?
She is your guest . Let her enjoy her grandchild. I’m glad I have a great relationship with my son in law
Does she visit a lot or once in a while? Because if the answer is once in a while honestly you should wait on her hand and foot. I would do the same for my mom. But if she’s visiting often I would say things like “everyone help themselves” and I would ask her to help with specific things if it bothers you that much. It may just be as simple as you communicating with her. I personally don’t like my MiL or mom to come over and feel like they have to do stuff. I want them to relax and spend time with their grandkids. If anyone is helping me get shit done and cleaning it’s going to be my husband.
What do you do when you go to her house??? Why can’t your husband help you with the dishes while his mother enjoys being a grandma?? If this is the only mil problem you have then you are very lucky!!!
I used to be the first one up and in the kitchen doing dishes and cleaning up because my in laws didn’t like me so I wasn’t going to give her anything to bitch about!!!
She’s a guest you shouldn’t expect her too help
That’s what i do when my husband’s parents come over, they are our guests, the one who help me is my husband but not them, they are old people already snd they are the parents of my husband snd the grandparents of my kids… i like to treat them right.
Ask your husband how his mom hosted things. She might think the host is supposed to do everything or she expects it as the mother to not be expected to help?
Firstly talk to her not put it on Facebook secondly be happy to have extended family involved in your life because many do not have that
When I have visitors in my home I don’t expect them to do anything
First ,how old is she ? She’s a guest at your house .is she a doting grandma , giving gifts and love to her grandchildren? If so , you’re being disrespectful.
This is the MIL. This is family. My family isn’t like this. We pitch in, offer to cook, or help cook, and clean. Maybe ask her to prepare a dish that she’s particularly good at and proud of. Make her feel welcome in your home and in your kitchen. She will probably follow your lead.
Do you have unresolved issues with her that make this a problem?
I wish my daughter had a grandmother to come visit. I would happily treat her as a guest while she spent quality time enjoying her granddaughter.
So here’s the deal our mom/mils have served their time when it comes to cooking and cleaning in my opinion the least we can do is let them relax while we take care of things. On the flip side common courtesy no matter where you are is to offer to help. Since obviously it is an area of trouble ask for help before resentment builds too much!
If possible maybe you cook your hubby cleans or vice averse a so you both get relaxation time with the family without feeling overwhelmed with all of the meal responsibilities. My expectations if I have people over no matter who they are is that the responsibility falls on me if they offer to help that’s a win for me!
Side note don’t we all wait to be called to dinner if someone else is cooking and we are socializing or playing🤷♀️
I think you’re wrong and she COULD offer but she isn’t wrong not to. She is a guest and your husband’s mother.
Would give everything to have my mum or partners mum over to visit for a meal n spend time with us n grandies.yes theyd help out but just enjoy family together.wish i could.or ask for help maybe some of us are uncomfortable to just help in someonelses home.
Sorry, but I’ll be blunt…
Do not confront her. This is a storm waiting to happen. She probably doesn’t really like you and is waiting for you to blow up at her, for her own satisfaction. For your own sanity, lower your efforts/standards when hosting. Make a little self-serve buffet. Whoever is hungry can grab their own plate.
If she’s a guest, that only stay for few hours, I think it’s fine. Sometime guest think they are rude if the touch your stuff. I don’t see how wrong if it’s just serving her food and wash. Maybe ask her son, your husband to do it instead of u.
I wouldn’t expect an elder to jump and do everything while she was an invited guest in your house and if she is entertaining the grandbaby while you straighten up,I think she is helping. If she were actually ordering you around that would be an issue,but you dont say that anywhere in your post. If you need help preparing the meal, setting the table , or clean up afterward kindly ask for a hand
When I invite guests over to my house to eat I don’t ask them to help me clean up I just do it I really never thought about asking anyone for help lol
Smdh. What has this generation come to. Respect your elders.
It may just be old school ways…but I was always taught you wait on your guests. And that by inviting someone over you took you were offering to treat them, not inviting them to your house to work
Not understanding your issue. She is an invited guest, not a caterer. For large family gatherings I think everyone should pitch in…bring a dish and help clean up…but if you invite your in-laws for dinner, I dont think it is appropriate for you to expect her to help cook and clean.
But she’s a guest? Why have her over if you’re going to complain. She’s playing with her grandchild as you’ve stated.
Don’t have guests over then if this is an issue for you.
Don’t serve her… bet she’ll get the message then
I’m not understanding the issue either. If She is a guest then she should not be expected to do anything but entertain her grandbaby.
Um, talk to her. Communication is key. Make time for a coffee date or lunch date. Don’t ambush her. Dont be on defense. Just let her know you’d like to have an open convo … she might just not be helping because she’s trying to stay out of your way. We all hear or have those horror stories of mil coming over & trying to “take over” the dil home
If she starts helping in your kitchen you will start complaining again.let her enjoy her self in her son’s house
If she is a guest she shouldnt be expected to help, especially if she is elderly.
Respect your elders. This is the only way to treat her. She earned that right!
You seriously sound like a brat. She’s your damn guest wtf is wrong with you.
If she’s an invited elder guest why is she expected to clean and wash your dishes.
blood hell… i would go potty if mil entered my kitchen and took over… and i did… she was MIL from hell. if i was ypu i wpuld count your blessings. btw my mil never played or took an interest in her grandchildren that brought into this world… if you want peace and harmony i suggest you bite your lip and enjoy the moment… cos to me she is a treasure. btw I’m now divorced and well rid of the pair of them
You cook and eat when shes not there whats the difference if it pisses you off that much get takeaway!
If you ‘invite’ her, she is your guest. Normal people don’t expect guests to prepare or clean up, unless it’s a potluck type family gathering. She should be able to come over and have no responsibilities other than spending time with her family… period.
Throw her a bowl of popcorn for supper one evening… Likely she won’t be staying much longer.
If I invite a guest for dinner, you can be sure I’m waiting on them. They are a guest in my home.
Do you expect her to ask if you need help? Do you help her when you go to her house? If she’s a guest then it implies that she has to do nothing. I honestly think you need to calm down a bit and realize a few things before speaking to her but I believe you’re young and not really thinking deeper about this blowing up when you might need a babysitter in the future or money or place to live or etc etc life has a funny way of showing people things. Be careful.
Ask her to help you clear the table. You have to speak up or forever hold your peace
First off I love all these comments. Secondly I’m pretty sure I’ve read the complete opposite more often…my mil takes over my house when she’s here nothing I do is good enough blah blah…good gracious. If I’m invited somewhere, family speaking, I wouldn’t expect to have to help cook. I would take care of my plate but I was invited.
It would be OK if when you go to her place you can sit back, have dinner cooked and be waited on!
… She probably did everything for your husband, he should be picking up any slack from his mother. Part of being a host is taking care of your guest?
I would expect her to take her plate to the kitchen after dinner. Yes she is a guest so I wouldn’t expect her to clean up or cook but common etiquette of clearing your plate isnt much to ask. If she refused she would not be welcome back
I would never ask my guest to help me clean up and I certainly wouldn’t ask my mother or mother in law. I’m guessing you have some other issues with her.
One day you will be MIL and the way you treat her will be the same way you will be treated. You are teaching your kids by example and after all? She is playing with your daughter and what is one more extra plate, cup, glass, bowl, spoon, form and knife? Come on! Don’t put her in a no win situation, if she came over to your house wanting to do things her way you’d be complaining too, give the woman a break and be gracious. You will reap what you sow.
Oh Lord what a terrible person she’s invited to dinner and expects to just enjoy dinner and then play with her granddaughter what was she thinking?
How old is your daughter if she’s old enough to help ask her to clear the dishes then maybe your MIL will help also so she will have more time to plz ay with your daughter Is try anything to get her to pitch in
Am I the only one who sees nothing wrong with this As the host, you should do everything and appreciate it if she does anything at all. I’d do anything if my mil could come for any amount of time to play with her grandkids
Girls,this is definitely not NIFI POINTS
She’d be getting her own plate in my house. I don’t make my husband’s plate, I’m not making hers. I work 40+ hours a week so if my hubby invited his mother over for dinner ok, I’ll cook but I’m not anyone’s personal server. Everyone gets there own plate and takes it to the kitchen when they’re done. You want to be served, go to a restaurant. You want time with the family, then you do what the family does
I agree with everyone I don’t expect my guest to do anything except clean up after their children if they come over but i still serve everyone. If you feel like you are doing everything then ask your husband to help you. Shes a guest and older. How often does she come over? If its every other day then maybe you could hint to the husband. But if not that much then just get used to it. I hope I can enjoy a dinner at my sons house with his family considering you know how much we do as women for our family …its your right when you get older to PASS THE TORCH LOL.
Sounds like you don’t like her and using her not helping as an excuse. MIL"s can be a pain but you married into the family. Have you thought maybe that she appreciates being able to relax? Just a thought
Honestly that’s what happens when guests come to my house
Some MIL would interfere so I guess your lucky
She’s probably enjoying time with your daughter.
Just ask’ do you fancy bathing your granddaughter?Would you mind putting her to bed? Could you stir the dinner whilst I do?
Let her relax and spend time with her granddaughter, it’s probably the only night off cooking she gets x
FFS Stop being a whiney spoiled brat and a bi*tch!!! WTF is wrong with you??? Seek therapy for unresolved issues of childhood.
if you dont like it dont invite her, simple.
If I invite ANYONE over for dinner I don’t expect them to clean up after themselves. I cook for people with love, not expectations!
Inviting a guest over and being a host to them seems to have changed since my day because I can’t remember asking or expecting one of my guests to get up and help cook or clean up, what is the point in being a guest. Its just a extra plate from normal arrangements.
Um she’s a guest… In your house… Really…
Well when I have guess at my house. I don’t expect them to do anything. Especially our parents. What do you expect them to do everything while you sit there.
I don’t know. I actually get up set when my mother has to help me. I would rather her enjoy time with my kids then clean and miss that time. But I do get it. She does ask to help. Maybe say something but be gentle about it.
I’m a bit confused? Why would you expect her to do anything when shes a guest at your house?
Does she visit often? I mean when my family visits for a dinner type setting we typically take over the hosting…and they play with our children. They offer to help clean up but even if they didn’t I wouldn’t take it as an issue.
Thats how a guest is to be treated.
Let your child enjoy this time with his/her grandmother. Everyday day with their grandparent is a gift and you don’t realize it until it’s gone.
So, just a thought, but does she possibly feel like she would be stepping on your toes if she helped? Perhaps she is being overly sensitive to the fact that it is your home not hers, which means it’s your kitchen and she doesn’t want to get in the way?
And if you invite someone over as a guest, don’t expect them to work. It’s not really how it works. Is it nice when people offer to help? Sure, but it’s not a requirement when invited to another person’s house.
I don’t ever want my MIL to have to do anything when she comes over. She’s a guest in my home. I want her to relax and spend time with the kids.
- she’s a guest so she’s not required to help.
- if it bothers you that badly, talk to your husband OR simply ask her to help you out.
If anyone, especially my in laws come over, i don’t ever expect them to lift a finger!! Im hosting, they’re my guest. End of story. If it is a daily visit then maybe things would be different. But I’m concerned that you mentioned only the MIL and not the FIL. is it a woman’s job when at another person’s house, to help cook and clean? I dunno. Something about this rubs me the wrong way. If anyone is willing to play with my kids and visit then ill always clean and feed them
I kinda think it’s normal in your own home. When I have guests over I don’t ask for help doing anything. If they volunteer then cool but it seems normal to me for her not to take over your house.
Uhm, hello… she’s not only your mother in law and your elder, but she’s also a guest. That’s EXACTLY what she should be doing!
When my MIL visits it’s usually cause I’m sick or something and can’t do much around the house and she comes to help. But if I ask her to dinner, I don’t ask or want her doing things. She’s a guest. In my home.
She’s a guest in your house…
First, she’s your guest. But second, why would you even want her to help you? When my mother-in-law comes over and tries to help it just annoys me, she’s in the way. I prefer she hang with the kids or we can chat while I cook or clean up or whatever.
Just because she’s mother in law doesn’t mean she’s not a guest in your house.
Ok Karen. Jesus. Shes a guest.
Is she there to cook clean and help with the house or she’s there to visit with the kids and the family. She’s a guest. If you need help just ask. FFS
She is a guest in your home and the elder. She is enjoying her time with her grandkids. When you visit her you should want to help because she is you mil. When she visits you she wants to be able to relax and enjoy family.
Be happy she isn’t dead. What I’d do to have my MIL around now.
Let her play with her granddaughter… She’s entraining the child , isn’t that helping?
Sounds like you all have more issues between you than just this.
I’m gonna say the same… she’s a guest although my sister does this and it bothers me but only because she comes to my moms house and prepares food and doesn’t clean up after herself lol
Isnt that normal? Shes a guest not a slave. She entertains your daughter isnt that enough.
I guess the only thing I would expect is to ask if you need help at some point or take the dirty dishes to the sink.
I agree with ^^ everyone else
Shes a guest for one… For two she is your elder and the mother of your partner… You should be willing to show her respect and clearing her plate is not a huge deal…
She is a guest when she is at ur home just like if u went to her place u would be a guest Im sure she wouldn’t expect u to help clean her house when ur there…
You sound very disrespectful.