Simple… just don’t invite her over as a guest if you’re not prepared to play the role of host… from the sounds you just don’t like your MIL fullstop.
Just think about this. How many times did she cook for first. Cleaned up after them and most likely didn’t complained. Because that’s how it was back in a day. Plus how many times did she cook for her son, your husband w/o any complaints. Did he help her in the kitchen? JS. But she is definitely your guest. Do you require all your other guests to help you?
Go to her place and do the same thing as she does see what happens if she says anything come out and tell her you’re point of view if she doesn’t say anything just keep going to her house and do has she does
Should be happy to have a grandparent play with the kids! That’s the best ever!
Maybe ask her if she’d like to help with dinner. Maybe she feels like she’s overstepping as well.maybe ask her if she’d help with dishes after
You are supposed to do that! She doesn’t live there!! So how often is she visiting? If you want help, just ask but as a guest you shouldn’t expect her to do anything.
Be grateful that you have a mother-in-law that wants to be a part of your lives and isn’t trying to make you miserable she’s a guest at your home she’s there to visit with her child with her grandchildren not to mention the fact that she’s an elder she spent her whole life waiting on her kids her husband hosting herself it’s her turn to sit back and relax I wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth if I was you be grateful that you have her in your life
Odds are, she sees it as a right of passage…it’s YOUR home, not hers, and I’m certain she’s been the hostess to many people through the years, and didn’t expect them to help.
I don’t have ail have you talked to your husband about it’ just don’t invite her anymore it doesn’t hurt to offer help but if she doesn’t don’t worry about it she’s only there good
I wouldn’t expect my guests to do any of those things unless she makes you do all of them at her house.
Do you invite her to help for example, can you help me set the table or do the dishes? Maybe she thinks playing with the kids is helping?
Why would you expect her to help, it’s your house. Do your friends wash their own dishes when they come over to your house? Do you help wash her dishes when you go over to her house? I would never expect my in laws to clean up at my house.
If you have a guest over it is not the guests responsibility to help. If you want help you have to ask. Yes, it would be nice, and it’s pretty darn polite, but in no place I’ve ever been has it been required.
I would never expect my mother in law to help with dinner, clean up, etc. It is out of respect for her. She is a guest, my husband’s mother and should be treated as a guest. Anyone who is invited to my home is never expected to help with anything. You better read up on it manners and how to treat people. You sound downright nasty and it seems to me you think you are entitled.
Really? You don’t want to treat her like a guest? If I have people visit I have no problem getting them drinks and food, if it’s someone who comes a lot to hang out that’s one thing, they know where the fridge is, but someone who comes for dinner? Really? Don’t see how the mil is in the wrong.
I actually don’t want anyone helping in my kitchen. I have the things a certain way and I don’t want anyone getting in my way. Just runs smoother when I don’t have to tell someone where something is located or what to do. Plus if she is a guest and was invited to eat then you are suppose to cook and clean it.
Then give her the accorded respect, she’s the mom of your husband. It won’t hurt to give some loving. I do the same to my mom-in-law and my husband’s family treat me as their own and pampered me with support.
I would have no problem cleaning up if she kept the kids occupied. I am OCD anyway and belong cleaning my own dishes.
I’m not a guest at my daughters I expect to help out , when you making dinner ask her to set the table, when your done ask her to help clear the table,sounds like she wants to be treated like a child so just treat her like one
You literally said you would rather not host. The literal word host. Hence you will be doing exactly all that. If you invite her over or this and that expect to treat every guest that way.
It’s all about perspective, she did this for your husband and this is her turn to be shown appreciation. Your attitude in your house will set her tone. Try turning the tables on her.
Key phrase “have them over” sounds like they were invited into your home for dinner? I would never expect my company to help if I invited them. If it’s for an extended time than yes. My MIL would help.
Not sure how that is waiting on her hand and foot. Sounds like she is acting like a guest in your home and letting you do things the way you want to do them and not her way. She is spending time with her grandchild to keep her out of your way. Sounds like you may not like her and should look at the situation differently
Your MIL has most likely done her share of cooking, cleaning and hosting. It’s her time to relax, sit back and enjoy her family. Why would you think she should come over to help you?
Look I loved my MIL and I miss her dearly if yours comes to visit thats exactly what you need to let her do she is a guest she doesn’t live with you you need to let her be grandma she won’t be on this earth forever
I think that’s a matter of opinion ? Like for me personally, if people come over , friends or family, I don’t expect them to do anything yes it is common courtesy to tidy up after yourself but I dont expect my guests to do so in my household. Now, if they’re over every week or more , I would bring it up and ask since they’re over so much that they have to tidy up after themselves. If shes an ignorant MIL like I know alot can be, talk to your SO about it, and get then to bring it up. Good Luck !
Wow. When I go to my kids house I cook clean watch my grandkids and give there parents a night off. I never sit back and do nothing. I don’t stop until I walk out the door
idk man. a family friend kept is at her house a whole week. before we left i scrubbed every inch of her house, did all the dishes everything.
i was raised that way though. you take care of me, i take care of you.also, in our family one cooks,one cleans.
You sound like an ass. She is a guest and an elder— she isn’t supposed to be doing any housework. If my MIL came over I would be embarrassed if she felt the need to help me with housework in my home.
Unless she comes everyday on purpose for u to b her servant, I c nothing wrong with this. I did this for both my in-laws when they visited us. I loved it. And we do this for my parents as well. My kids get to love and enjoy their grandparents, and that’s all I care about.
Are you serious RN? She is not supposed to come to your house and wash her own dishes, help you make her plate, or etc. you as her DIL should do this without any complaints. She should be able to sit back and play with her grandchildren
Few thoughts.
First, just want to say that I wish I could have my mom or mother in law over for dinner. My mom passed away, and my mother in law lives in Florida (us in NJ). She was supposed to come for my son’s graduation, but covid ruined that. If she WERE to come, I would want her to spend as much time with my kids and my husband. I wouldn’t mind waiting hand and foot .
With that being said. How does she do it when you visit her? Does she do the cooking and cleaning only as well?
Also, just wondering if she were to help you, and she started putting stuff away, would you be complaining that she always puts things in the wrong cabinets?
So many thought here, bare with me. When she is over, and you are overwhelmed, why can’t you ask your husband to help. Maybe try saying something like “honey, can you help me set the table so your mom can play with the kids”
Thought #5,0000… maybe she feels that playing with the kids while you cook, is doing you a favor by keeping the kids busy, and you don’t have to worry about them.
I don’t ever make my mother in law do anything. If she’s a guest in my house then that’s exactly what she is. Now if she was living there that’s another story. I’m sure she’s done enough cleaning up after her kid, your husband back in the day she probably feels she’s entitled to relax when she’s there. But thats me
Tell your husband it’s his mother and he can wait on her hand and foot, And if he doesn’t like that don’t invite her over.
First speak with your husband. Tell him how you feel. Ask him to speak to her. Then you both should talk with her. Let her know that you are not being mean but that it bothers you that she treats your house as a hotel!
Guests are not supposed to help make, serve and clean up the dinner. It’s bad manners to expect it. You were clearly not taught proper etiquette and how to be a hostess. I suspect if she came in and barged into your kitchen and tried helping you’d get upset and say she’s intuding. I think it’s more of a personal issue with your mother in law.
Sounds like the MIL is acting as a guest…she is family but also a guest. My grandparents were similar that way. But when we visited them, roles were reversed.
If I had to make an assumption I would say it’s safe to say that the MIL is more than likely either making it a point to demean her daughter in law by treating her like she expects to be waited on or she is leaving a mess like a hurricane in her wake. I dont think this woman would come on here and ask for advice if it was just a normal guest/host interaction especially when there are tons of people who like to judge others when they are just asking for advice. If you aren’t trying to help the poster with her question then why say anything. Why sit her and say shes jealous and this and that either offer advice and help with insightful suggestions or get of this post. She asked for help not everyone’s opinion about the kind of person they think she is.
My advice is like Davey suggested, ask your spouse to deal with his mother at any functions when it comes to that and if that’s not something you’re comfortable with or the situation is a little more complicated than explained in your post than maybe it would be worth trying to have a sit down with your spouse and mother in law and try and find effective ways to communicate how everyone is feeling. Again I’m assuming it is more than just her not helping here and there because at the end of the day that’s not something that would upset someone who has invited someone into their home.
Don’t invite her than and don’t cook if she comes over. If there’s an issue leave it to ur husband. But when ur grandma all they are supposed to do is look after their grandchildren!
I wish my mother n law was still alive for me to wait on her hand and foot and believe me you will miss it when you can’t honey
Just ask her if she can help you in the kitchen and have small talk. Maybe MOther In law thinks you don’t want someone helping you.
My MIL Is company I don’t expect her to help… now if she offers I probably would say no anyway but if I have company to my home I don’t expect them to help cook or help clean up
If she’s a guest in your house, and doesn’t come everyday and do that… then whats the problem. Especially if she is aging with her grandchildren. Some grandparents don’t. U shiuld be grateful
Quick question…how do you act at her house. And does she expect you to lift a finger?
And if she is a guest, why would you expect her to help? Do you expect ALL of your guests to help? Or just your MIL?
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Dang ya’ll I am impressed. My son in law does a lot of the cooking. when I visit I clean the kitchen and I typically am doing laundry. As well as playing and picking up the kids ( before corona). Because hospitality is weak w my child i frequently bring my own blow up mattress or camper to ensure I have a bed!!!
So many weighing factors here. If you expect her to help be careful she may step on your toes. Mothers always have a better way of doing things. Be a host and deal with ut or dont invite. I assume ahe us playing with her grandchild so at least she is entertaining them.
She is your guest. Why should she be expected to work while she is a guest in your home? What if she does? She is your elder and she deserves respect. Let her enjoy her grandchildren.Bottom line SHE IS A GUEST!!
I was raised to do those things when I hosted a guest in my house, no matter who they are. Just like when you ask someone to go out to dinner with you, you should pay.
I mean I have a friend or two that make themselves at home, but it took them time to be comfortable.
Uhm thats the way all guests are treated in my house. Thats why I host few and far between. I wouldnt ask my mother to help prep cook or clean up so why would I ask my MIL.
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I’m on the same boat so we are not on speaking terms:roll_eyes: when we go visit them (it is not cheap to travel, nor do I enjoy staying at their place, however I do it out of love to God, my hubby and our 2 boys) she wants to feed us leftovers…like from a week ago OR tells me to tell her son to go get us all some food so she ends up infuriating me because they don’t offer to pay for the food. When she invites herself over with my infantilized s.i.l. who is almost 27 yrs old, they both expect to be treated like queens. 
I personally wouldn’t consider my MIL a guest. If she is visiting every now and then, then I have absolutely no problem pampering her. I would try to treat her close to the same way I would treat my parents. She is at the end of the day is my husband’s mother, my children’s grandmother and I would let her enjoy her time with her grandkids.
I was raised everyone offers. To help if you are hosting nothing wrong with helping out if they say no then you offered
I have always waited on my in-laws as well as my parents that’s just respect for them and all they’ve done for me & mine
Just my opinion from Daughter in Law point of view… When I first got married I would ask my mother in law if there was anything I could do to help when we went over for sunday Dinner she would always decline my help. At first I felt bad but as time went on I did not feel bad at all. I Knew she had her own way of doing things and I didnt want to get in the way or mess up her cooking. I think she felt honored to cook her family their meals and Sunday was the only time her whole family would be together.
If youve invited her to your house and your hosting then why should she clean up its your house. Yes a lot of people may iffer out of politeness but you shouldnt expect it. They entertain your kid whilst you clean up so in a way is helping.x
She’s a guest in your home so I see zero issue with it.
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To me it honestly sounds like you don’t like her and are looking for issues 
she is your guest, she I’m sure waited Hand and foot on your spouse when they were growing up so why such a big deal to wait on her when she comes to see her grandkids? Get over it
Ask to help either in the kitchen or set the table get grandkids involved if there are any. I’m sure they’ll be a good way to draw her in
If she just comes once in a while for short visits, I would accommodate her. May be the only place she feels pampered. If she stays a lot, then maybe you can find ways to subtlety get her to help.
Life is a give and take relationship. It’s how you treat she will treat you. She is giving you your space about how you want to serve , clean or anything In your house without out interfering. It’s good.
I wouldn’t expect my guests to do that but don’t I won’t clean up clothes on floor or towels on the floor. That what I draw my lines at. Had one person do that and told my husband that person isn’t allowed to stay over ever.
Is she not a guest???
I appreciate any help but it’s definitely not expected.
I don’t see this as an issue. I just think your issue is having her over. It’s different with your mom. Moms always want to correct us than a mother in law. In your case at least she’s not telling you how to do things.
I was raised to at least offer to help…when I go to someone’s house I think it is the right thing to do
When I have family or friends over, I want them to have a good time and relax. I will often leave the dishes and do them after they leave so we can spend time together. When I visit my parents though, I insist on doing dishes…after all, I love dosing things for them.
Sounds like you have little respect tbh be happy she comes over and spends time with you guys some parents are not kind.
She will get up and go make her plate if shes hungry enough. As for dishes…make her use paper
But then again if I’m hosting a dinner I wouldnt expect my guests to clear the table or do their dishes. Family or not. But the hell if I will make their plate
Yeah, that’s pretty typical when you’re hosting.
This is how you should treat guests in your home.
I’ve never had anyone to my house so idk how I would expect them to act but when I go to others I always get my plate and offer more help
I would rather my mother in law spend time with the grandbaby than help with dinner or dishes. I had a wonderful mother in law. We moved in with her when she got sick and I waited on her. I sure wish i had her back.
How often does she come over? If she doesnt come often, i dont see an issue with her being treated as a guest. If she comes a lot, just my opinion, it would be polite to at least ask if you need help and/or at least not expect you to get everything she needs the whole time. Like oh youre thirst/hungry? Ya know where the kitchen is. Help yourself.
I never expect my MIL or my mom to do a thing, they are guests! If they stay 1 day or (going on 4 months due to Covid) these 2 women are guests and my elders I treat them with honor, they are family royalty!
Just cater to her, let her relax and love her every minute you can, enjoy her company and let the rest fall in place!
Order take-out and use paper plates! Tell your “guests” that everything goes in the garbage when they are done! Less stress, no mess!
I don’t expect guests to help with dishes, when I went to my son in Queensland they wouldn’t let me do anything.
My fiance’s mom comes over and the only thing I let her do is make her plate (cause you never know what they want to eat) be glad she visits my own kids don’t know my mom and that’s one her
Grin and bare it.
Be thankful that she is playing with your daughter, which in the long run, will matter so much more.
I don’t see the problem to do it, it’s not an everyday thing it’s only when she comes around.
She’s doing the most important thing playing with your daughter, when I have guests over if they choose to offer to help that’s fine but if they don’t it’s also fine , they are my guest.
Did you invite her or did she invite herself? If she invited herself then she can help clean like everyone else. She should understand what it’s like to be a mother and wife with small children. It’s not easy and being older is no reason to kiss anyone’s ass.
I am a mil, I know feel like I have done something wrong when visiting my children, cause I do all of that, cause I want to spend time with my Grandchildren, just wait till it’s your turn you will understand.
I was raised to wait on your guests if they offer to help cook or clean up great if not then no big deal. They are guest in your home. My grandparents would visit once a year and we cleaned up after them they stayed a month in our home and only helped when they offered to help. It was there vacation away and our chance to care for them the way they deserved. So in my home I care for MY guests and if they offer to help I take them up on that offer but I do not expect them to do anything.
I know some who would prefer to do alone. I had a sister in law who would bleach my dishes, get into fridge, question what she saw…etc, etc…careful what you wish for
She took care of you, be thankful you have her still. Let her do as she please she deserves it. She is your guest. That’s what you do when they come to your house.
Guests in your home should be treated as guests. It’s really quite simple.
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I was always thought to be a good house guest, even if it was just dinner. That being said, I was also taught to be a good hostess and don’t mind doing all the work for a family dinner. If your MIL is staying over night she defiantly should be a better house guest and help out. You could always ask her to help with dinner, or something.
She is playing with her granddaughter, making memories. My parents stayed with me three months out of the year, never expected them to do anything except enjoy our company.
She is there to see her grandchildren not be your maid, get over it and be thankful you have a mother in law that actually comes around
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A guest is a guest. I would EXPECT my dad to do as she does. he is a guest, he is my elder and most of all… he is my DAD. I would expect the same from my husband’s parent.
I love this thread. Love my MIL to pieces and treat her like the queen that she is when she’s in our home and when we take her out. We don’t let her lift a finger. We’re just happy to still have her in our lives. Her smile is infectious and the joy she has just from seeing us and her grandbabies is all we need. 
I would wait on mine if she came over. There is plenty of times holidays and others where she has waited on the whole family . My house, my guest especially an elder deserves a break and to be waited on. Also cannot count the times they have watched the kids for us or helped in other ways. I think it’s a form of respect.
I was always brought up if you are a guest you help
I would never expect my invited quest to do anything. I won’t say no if they offer help.
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She “raised” your husband to be the man he is. At least you can give her respect and appreciate her wanting to play with your daughter (her grandbaby). I would take that as a little break to have someone to watch and play with my kids.
I would just be happy she was entertaining the grand babies and I could get stuff done. Sit down relax play with the babies I got everything else please. They are there to visit and be a guest in your home. If you don’t want the clean up and cooking go out to eat.
I guess leaving a plate in the table is rude but would you expect any other guest to make their own meal or wash dishes? Unless she comes overs multiple times a week… then that’s def over kill. She could help out
Well if you invite someone to stay at your house that is the hospitable thing to do. You’re supposed to make people feel at home but it is also your responsibility to be a host. Now if she just went in your kitchen and started cooking and doing whatever she wants when she came you would have a problem with that. That’s your job as a host PERIOD
Hmmm… I guess im the odd man out here. I think its rude to not help your hostess whether you’re the MIL or not. Help out. It’s the right thing to do. Offer at least. I would suggest you invite her into the kitchen to cook with you. Cooking, chopping, cutting e.t.c…is great bonding time. Maybe that’s what’s missing: bonding girl time and she feels awkward to even be in your kitchen.
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I was raised to treat guests in my home like royalty. I never expect them to do anything. Enjoy my hospitality.
Well if she is a invited guest #1 then I see no issue. #2 she is your mil. #3 you state she plays with your kiddos as you clean up after. I really see no issue. She’s a quest and is not obligated. Secondly she raised your husband probably other kids and from the sounds of has a good relationship with your kids her grandbabies. So wow. I think your kinda being a witch