They do it for there kids so why doesn’t she deserve it. In my Italian family all the women of all ages got up to help but not everyone is raised that way. The question is how does she treat you when you visit?
Idk but I was raised you take care of your parents…(in laws are parents) when guests come over I always take their plates and clean up.
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Wow…I mean I always help out when I’m a guest but I dont expect it when I have my mom over much less my MIL. If they help with clean up great but if they sit back and hang with my kids instead…that’s way cool…they are supposed to. Sorry but this sounds like maybe you dont like MIL…I agree with others. Poor taste hon. Move on.
I’d much prefer guests/parents/family to entertain my children rather than cook or clean up. Keeping the kids busy is half the battle. But that’s just me💁♀️
Maybe she dosnt know where things go plus she might feel she would be in the way more than help
I never expected my mother in law or mother for that matter to help me when I’m hosting. If they would offer I turned them down. Respect your friggin elders.
Umm what?! Is this a joke? That is how you treat a guest in your home. You don’t make them cook or clean up after themselves, which by the way is HARDLY “being waited on hand and foot”.
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I love helping my children in the kitchen It gives my time to catch up talking and remincing of meals when they were younger it’s just how I do things and when they visit they help as well…my mother inlaw expected me to wait on her too but she also was different at her daughter’s house she didn’t care for me I felt it when she did this to me every one is different and in my opinion spending time in the kitchen is priceless to me…but it’s how I was raised no judgement
Maybe she wants to stay out of your way. Maybe she realizes she has a take control of the situation personality and is purposely staying away to avoid hurting your feelings by making suggestions or offering ideas. A simple “hey mom, I love when you come over. You are a guest and we don’t expect you to help but if you ever get the notion or have suggestions I would love your help”.
I’m my family, everyone helps,esp family members. I would think something is wrong if they dont help.
My mother in law helps with the cooking occasionally but I never expect her to clean up. Usually she plays with my children while I clean. After all, she came to see her grand children, not clean my house.
Our family is a expectance to serve n wait on those older aunts uncles moms esp moms n grandparents there place in it is just that keeping eyes on toddlers n smaller kids while clean up and kids are giving expected chores for after dinner withing there abilitys like puting plates away or to the sink and ecen toddlers help rinse the dishes ecen when they ask to help the elders ask to help there told no guest are not expected to clean up
Well, she shouldn’t have to do anything at YOUR house unless she lives there. She’s there to visit as a guest. Sure she should clear her own plate but otherwise she should be able to relax.
I agree with you. She should at the very least offer to help! You could always refuse her offer to help. It’s very impolite of her not to offer. I always offer to help whenever I’m at a gathering. It’s the right thing to do. Can your husband say anything or would this cause a war? If it would cause issues it’s probably not worth saying anything.
You thank God she wants to be a part of your life and her grandkids. It won’t hurt you to clean up for the short time she is there…
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When I go to my mother inlaws , she does all this for me, even when I try to get up and help, she doesnt let me, she does it all, so if she comes over, i dont let her do a thing, she is an amazing grandmother to my kids and thats all I really care about
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There is a difference between feeling like you are hosting a family member and feeling like a servant. Family members usually jump up and want to pitch in unless they have a good reason not to do so. Someone who just expects to be looked after just doesn’t feel like family. So I get it. It gets annoying and causes ill feelings. Say things like, “Now that we have had this great meal, let’s clean it up as a family.” Make every emphasis on doing things as a family and make it fun. And your hubby should be right there with you. All that is if it is more than a dinner or one night thing.
I agree I don’t expect my MIL and guests to help in cleaning up. I want her and them to be able to spend time with the grandkids. If they offer to help I don’t refuse or just say I will get to it later depending on how big the gathering is. If you want to spend time with her and talk see if your husband will help clean up to get the task done faster
When I am a guest at other peoples houses, I always bring a gift, or at least offer to bring a contribution to dinner. I offer to help prepare the meal, and i offer to help clean up. Maybe she was just raised different. Who knows, but here’s the rub… is she considered a “guest” or “family”. Family isn’t so formal. Some of the best times I’ve had when visiting with my family, is in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning together. So I suppose, as an ice breaker, you could ask her to come help with something in the kitchen, like chopping tomatoes for the salad or drying the dishes as you wash them. Or maybe if she is the type of MIL that just does not like you, as my ex-MIL did not like me, it may be better to let her stay out of the way. Good luck!
If you resent it, don’t have her to dinner. I’m sure she can feel your resentment. Honor her as the mother of your husband. It’s not like she lives with you.
She should offer as its rude. However, my mum doesn’t help with dinner or clearing up after (she would if I asked her too though) but she does keep the kids entertained which is good enough for me as it allows me to get on with things without being nagged every 5 minutes.
I wish I could wait on my mother in law one more time, enjoy the time you have her around, tomorrow is never promise, I had the best mil, when she came to visit or I went to her house, I did whatever I could to make her comfortable, she never had to lift a finger, she did offer many times, but of course I would say no. She did her time raising kids, I’m grateful I was able to give back to her for 28 years.
She is your guest and as such, she should be treated like one. She is there to have a good time. Treat her right!!!, it sounds that she is a great mother-in-law because your only beef with her is that she is acting as a guest.
I’m a mother in law and when I go visit my grown children I help out with what ever needs to be done helping my daughter in law with preparing a meal or doing the dishes gives me the opportunity to spend time with her and brings us closer, my mother in law when she would come to visit I don’t like saying it this way but waited on her hand and foot but not because she expected it but because I respected her as my husband’s mother’s and I wanted her to spend time with her grandkids and I was honored to do that. So what you would consider waiting on her I consider that to be loving them
She’s your mother she deserves to be treated special my mother wanted to be treated special too I would love to have those days again but she’s in heaven
Just sounds to me she’s enjoying her time with her grandbaby/ies, if she’s to “help” in anyway that should be it. . taking care of/playing with the kiddos, more than likely that’s why she’s there visiting, ya? I wouldn’t let it bother you, ateast your kid/s are occupied while you keep busy. Just a thought though, have you ever just nicely asked for help with something? While cooking/cleaning have you ever asked her if she wouldnt mind joining you in the kitchen for some spare hands?
I’m not really old fashioned but I wouldn’t expect anyone who was a guest in our home to help me. I do expect my husband to help me though.
I agree that guests are guest. I prepare,serve and clean(after guest leave.) That being said, when I am a guest I always pitch in to help, unless told not to.
She’s a guest right? I mean when I’m invited to someone’s house that’s how I’m treated but you can ask her to help but don’t expect her to🤷♀️…and what exactly do you want her to do? I’d probably be the same way when I’m a grandma I’m older and raised my kids it’s time I get to sit back and do nothing…looking forward to them days
I guess I would be honest with my husband and ask him to speak to her. As a guest I always offer to help out but I’m in Texas so maybe it’s a southern thing
When your MIL has you over does she wait on you? Do you help with clearing and cleaning? You dont have to. Your the guest. Protocol is who ever is hosting does the work. I know it’s hard not to get help when you’re hosting, especially when you’ve been brought up a certain way.
I was brought up to help the hostess but when we go to my sister in laws she never wants us to help with dishes, clearing and cleaning. I had to get used to that.
Organize your thoughts and put your feelings on check before you have the conversation… to confront her keep it like if you were in a professional setting and speak calmly without argument… remember she your guest after all but also she needs to be considerate so it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later when your frustration level is at its breaking point
She is a guest who wants to play with her grandchild. Washing one more plate surely is not that hard. If you do need help with something, just ask her. This is not rocket science.
I would love for someone to sit and play with my baby while I clean up! Not only do I get to eat, (a delicious meal I made myself) I get some alone time without kids to do a couple chores. Your a mom and that’s what mommas do regardless of if you have a guest or not. However, if you have a guest staying in your home, I wouldn’t expect them to do anything but enjoy their visit.
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Shame on you. She carried, took care of, changed diapers kept house, the list is endless. If this is the way u feel about the Mother of your husband, how are you going to feel when she has passed. When your children have no Grandma. Your a selfish person. God help you.
Maybe just choose your battles and don’t get annoyed easily. Is it irritating of course but as long as she’s interacting with her grandchildren and not more openly being disrespectful maybe she is just stubborn and thinks she’s in the way?? Idk? I lost my 21 year old Son last year so it’s hard to get irritated over things like her not clearing her plate etc. yes it’s sort of rude but she’s older so there’s not much changing her likely.
S your guest she shouldnt have to do those things. It would be a nice just or if she wanted to get up and do that, But she certainly not Warranted to.
I once went through this, I had a sit down talk with my husband about it first, (which went nowhere btw,) then kindly told my kids when they were finished to help put things away,(in front of her) , that we ALL contribute as a family, and to the point of helping others is what GOD asks of us.
Anything outside of that, I told my husband(bring it was his mom), that if it didn’t change he.can wait in her hand and foot .
From then on , he started seeing my point
Just a different point of view here but isn’t she helping you out playing with your kids while your doing dishes and cooking etc and have you ever asked if she would “hey can you come give me a hand in the kitchen”
My, Mother Vasa was treated like a Queen since my elementary days told by our father Pila all chores in the house cooking,cleaning etc. Mother only does our major laundry & her beautiful Gardening,singing in the Church Choir,Women club,sports in Cricket game and loves village dancing for Flag Day so as Bingo 
And, she was not old 
Myself if it was me I would rather get it so she is not going thru everything just my thought also when you do good things good things come back your way. It would not bother me cause I love to nurture and take care of people but also everyone is different I do understand your side. Just out right tell her your here as our family guest but I’m not your maid. Sorry if I said anything wrong
Ok, this all depends on if she invited herself to stay at their house or if shes just coming for dinner. If my MIL announces she staying at our house and we are her hotel she can help.
That sounds crazy to me. That is your house and you are hosting dinner. She shouldn’t have to be doing all that. Aside from scraping her own plate, everything seems fine to me. I mean, Have you ever asked for a hand?? That is a guest, whether family or not, so treat her like that.
No, I love to entertain and spoil my guests. Especially my parents. It’s my turn. And it’s fun!
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Plant seeds of kindness and respect and that’s the fruit you will receive. God will also see your heart and Bless you for it.
Has she offered to help in the past and been told not to worry about it and that you have it. Maybe she is trying to not take over and respect that it is your house and your kitchen.
Let her enjoy her time with everyone. She put in a lot of years waiting on everyone else I’m sure. Kindness, always! In the end, you won’t regret it. You’ll be happy you made her time easy when she visited you and your family.
I’m sorry but if she is a guest in your house she shouldn’t have to do anything.
Maybe she is waiting for you to invite her to help out. Some people feel like they are stepping on someone’s toes if they just start helping without an invite to do so.
I never want my mother in law (or any other guest) to lift a finger in my home. I would much rather her spend precious time with her grandkids than wash dishes. Hospitality is very important to me, especially to those I love most.
I was raised that if you were a guest at someone’s house they waited on you but if your family you wait on yourself and help out where needed. The first time my best friend told me where the drinks were instead of getting me one was one of the best days of my life… she was raised the same way. It sounds like y’all were raised differently and unfortunately you might just have to deal with it. Have you ever asked her if she wants to help? Maybe she’s worried about getting in your way.
Sorry… but your mother in law is there to see her grandkids and spend time with family she doesn’t get to see everyday. Your parents didn’t teach you about respecting your elders? My mother in law passed away a little over a year ago and I wish she was still here so I could spend time with her and let her be a grandmother to my kids. I miss her and I would wait in her hand and foot if only I could because she was amazing to me and my kids. I think you should be ashamed of yourself. She raised your husband and if he loves you enough to put up with you, that love came from her. You need to learn how to be grateful for all that came from her that has blessed you. Without her, you wouldn’t have the father of your children. Therefore you wouldn’t have the kids you have today. The circle of life lady. Serving your mother in law, honors God. You need Jesus .
My MIL does not eat any of my food, you should feel special, you are the host and thats how it should be. But my MIL hates that her son loves my food and hes a clean person. I’m happy that he is nothing like her bcuz she likes living like a pig…
Lol! Seriously?! She’s your mother in law and a guest in your home. Your daughters grandma and I cannot believe how selfish and petty you are. How old are you?! You don’t sound like you have any manners or upbringing at all.
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The key word being HOST! Why would you expect her to do anything as your guest. You frame of mind is the problem not you MIL You trippin check yourself.
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Well if someone coming over to ur house. Do you want them to cook dish it up n do the dishes. No seriously. Its ur mans mother i wouldnt say she comes everyday. So i dont get what the problem is. She plays with her grandchild so what. If thats all u have bothering U then be happy goodness
It was not included in the question, but it seems like there might be an underlying issue. How often does she visit? How long does she stay? How is the relationship outside of this particular situation???
I’m sure it don’t hurt to wait on her she has probably waited on people’s all the time my mother in law was awesome I waited on her in her own home I wish she was still alive so I could again
I always try and help when I’m somewhere like my families or friends… but I’d never expect my guests to help- especially my MIL, she is an honor to serve. She’s cooked for us when we were young so many times and we likely just left after we ate. I love her and appreciate her so I would rather her sit and enjoy the kids, my dog or herself lol
Yeah idk… I was alwaya raised if you are a guest, you don’t have to help unless you want to. I would think she would at least offer to help.
Wow:flushed:. When I go to my sons and daughter in laws I always offer to help and they always say no just play with my granddaughter. Wonder how her son feels about this.
I as a mother in law and mother offer to help but I am always told to sit and relax and spend time with my Mokos and I love it and gives the parents a break.
I feel like she’s a guest in your house and shouldn’t have to help. If you invited her then let her relax and spend time with her grandkids
NOT CRITICIZING: I’m thinking you have an underlying issue with her. If that’s the case, maybe address that first if it’s possible. If it’s not the case, she is a guest and being at yours is possibly time out for her.
Not enough information. Be careful what you ask for. As long as she is a guest she can act like one. If she does more she may interfere more. How often does she come? How old is she… Etc. Let her enjoy her granddaughter. These are precious moments.
The best advice I can give is FOCUS on the memories be glad she’s taking time to play with your daughter rather than do the dishes … She’s honestly just probably trying to “stay” out of the way it’s your kitchen and your house so she’s trying to not be overbearing and take over your kitchen … let the dishes wait and go make memories with her and your daughter that’s what matters that’s what your daughter will remember not who cleaned up … Relax and visit enjoy each other’s company that’s what family is for if cooking and cleaning stresses you out to much then order out … Enjoy your family time
My Parents taught me if I am at someone’s house as a guest, ASK is there ANYTHING I CAN HELP WITH? If the Host says NO, then say PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS… After the meal. CLEAR YOUR PLATE, AND if Help with the dishes. Yes help wash, load the dishwasher, help clear the table, put food in other containers… it helps things go smoother and faster. Plus you get to talk with others…
I never expected guests to help clean up or do anything. If you want her to help maybe just ask if she could help with whatever it is you need help with, don’t wait for her because it can be an awkward feeling to just jump in and help in a home that isn’t yours.
That’s exactly what I expect my mother in law to do… sit back relax and enjoy her grandchildren…
why is it so hard to respect your elders. our mother in laws are our mother. Mothers carry babies for 9 months, bring them up and then give them to their wives. We as wives cannot even serve dinner without commenting, then shame on us.They have done their turn lot many times, equating in material way, they spent money on our husbands whilst raising them up, we stake our first rights on hubby wages or other wealth. Lets give and not begrudge
As you get older you realize that time is more important than chores. Her time spent with her grandchildren is much more relevant than if she helps out. The grandchildren are the legacy.
I wish when my mom visits, she will stay still , we sit her down , but she gets back up , wanting to help with dishes, asking my grown children, ya have clothes to wash. My kids always say no ,go rest . Speaking of my mom ,she be visting me soon , I want my parents to visit and enjoy and I wait on them , it will be my pleasure, but I know its. Impossible for my Mom ,
Visitors dont need to help
Have you tried asking her for help? Maybe she feels like she would be invading your space. My mother in law used to come over and just start cooking and helping but my mom would come and want to be waited on. I was tired after she went back home from her “vacation”
We treat our guests the same way, we do the work…she’s probably just been accustomed to being in a more traditional home where guests are welcomed and treated like guests…
If she is not a regular visitor then I think you shouldn’t mind. However, if she is regular then she knows the ins and outs of the house. 1st time a guest, after that you are family, you can help. However, it really depends on the situation I think
I personally don’t have a problem catering to my mother in law. She never has to lift a finger when I go to her house or when she comes to mind. I cater to her just like I do my mom. Sounds like something else is going on to me
My folks and my in laws all help me out, I’m often asking the in-laws for cooking advice. X and my mum is often washing up before I have finished my tea 
Each family is different. X maybe talk to hubby and say they need to help abit when they are here. X
She’s a guest?
Sorry I’m a little confused to be honest.
If my Mum wants to relax and play with my son go for it 
She’s been a Mum for 28 long and horrendous years and still going! She can sit down now and I’ll do the cooking and cleaning because she did that for us for years!
I think she’s earnt the right.
I hope your children happily tell you to relax and enjoy your visit with them and let them fuss over you. I love seeing my grown daughter tell my mum to
“sit down, she’ll make the coffee” or my partner tell his mum “what would you like Mum, let me get it for you”
So much love in those sentences
I guess it depends on how often she comes to visit. If she’s there every week, ask for her help. If she’s only there once a month or less, let her be a grandma. I know when I try to help my daughter and son in law my grandson tries to keep my attention. I’m putty in his hands. I figure I waited on my daughter for years beyond 18. She can handle some thing without me while I enjoy my grandchildren. After all I am many years their senior and who knows how much time we have together.
Most elderly are that way It’s called RESPECT you are young and when you attend her home It’s RESPECTFUL for you to ask if you can help
How often does she visit?
When my in laws come up I prep all the food and do the clean up. But my MIL always asks what I need help with. I usually tell her I’m good unless I could actually use it. But they also don’t act like kids, they do clear their plates.
Either suck it up or be a big girl and just say, “Hey, you wanna put your dishes in the sink”? Unless you’re actually gonna go through with it, don’t complain.
But also be happy she’s playing with her grandbabies.
It is how you look at things that gave you a heavy heart. Unless she is living with you and you are the Mistress of your own home, you can either ask help for things/chores she can readily accomplish for her age but as a guest? I don’t know about yours but our own culture expects us, daughters or sons-in-law to give due courtesy to our spouse’s parents and treat them well even if we have some disagreements. Most grandparents love to bond with their child’s offspring and for all you know, you have given her the impression that you don’t need her help or any assistance whatsoever. In any relationship,
I was so happy to entertain and pamper my parents and in-laws to thank you for all they did. Now my children, their spouses and grown grandchildren treat me like the Queen Mother. Sow the seeds someday you will be the Queen.
Is this like a regular occurrence? When I was married I would offer to help at his parents house. They had family day every Sunday and she also watched our daughter while we worked. Usually guests aren’t excepted to help with things though
It depend on whether your guest is staying for an extended period of time or visiting for the night. If I invite someone over for dinner, I’m not going to expect them to lift a finger. If someone is staying in our house for a few days, they need to pick up after themselves and function like part of the household when they are in the home.
I have family members that do this. I just stop having them over for dinner. They even sat back and did nothing when I was recovering from a knee replacement.
It doesn’t sound like she is doing anything wrong.
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As a mother in law to a great daughter in law she says no i dont need help ill do what ever i get to enjoy whatever we are doing. Let your mother in law enjoy your children she might not be around for ever.
Seriously?? Sounds like you’re the one being lazy. To expect a guest (family or friends) to act as your help is absolutely insane! You need to get over yourself!
Wow I would expect my mother in-law to sit and play with the kids while I prepared dinner , she’s a guest !! I have never had anyone for dinner and asked them to help prepare or clean up , it’s always the hostess who does that . Maybe it’s my age but that’s what being a gracious host means !
As a MIL, we have already served our family for decades. We want to play with the grandchildren!!!
Awh, she’s a guest in your home and your husband’s mam. It’s nice to treat them when possible
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Although I’d never expect my MIL to help, I’d also appreciate am offer to do so. I think it’s making a statement on her part to blatantly refuse to help. Mine offers and I simply tell her know. Come on we’re all parents and know how exhausting it can be, especially when hosting. It’s a respect issue.
Edit: for those saying she’s a guest, do you not offer assistance when you’re a guest in someone’s home? I think that it’s rude not to. I invite people over to spend time with them, not spend that time waiting on them and cleaning up after them.
Hmmm how many times did she do this for her son? And her husband? Maybe in her mind it’s an earned privledge? If it bothers you that much, next time she’s over, politely ask her for her help. She may not realize it bothers you.
She’s a guest and is not expected to take over. Be thankful she’s not attempting to run the place and allowing you to do that. If you need her help, ask her for assistance.
Is it really a big deal? Just allow her to relax. She spent many years raising her children and doing for them. I usually serve/wait on all my guests. I invite them over to be pampered.
I thought this was going to be a horrible experience. But you’re doing things you’re supposed to do when you have guests smh. Our parents and guests aren’t expected to lift a finger when they’re visiting my home
They’re a guest at your house… like you said in your post… you are the HOST. Those are the things required of being a host. If anyone else offers to help, that’s out of the kindness of their heart. Not because it’s required of them as a guest.
Honestly it’s just etiquette of hosting. Guests are not expected to clean and are generally there to enjoy themselves. In the case of grandparents, the whole point is to play with the littles. Imo