My mother in law is favoring my youngest over the oldest. Backstory. I have an 8-year-old from a previous relationship. We also have a new baby who is almost a year old. My mother in law is favoring the baby over my other son, and it is beginning to show. My husband has said stuff to her, but it is still ongoing. I don’t know what to do besides flip out myself. I refuse to let my other child see that he doesn’t count as much regardless. This is her first “blood” grandchild, but my parents 4th and they aren’t showing favoritism to any of them and treats them the same, but my mother in law is showing favoritism. Like I posted about how old my baby is turning, and my mother in law will turn around and post the same thing and tag us in it. But I slipped a few months, and so did she. I can post pictures of both children, but she will only comment on the ones with the baby involved. Any advice would be helpful because it’s to the point where I can’t stand being around my in-laws.
Really isn’t a way to fix that. She just may not feel connected and it’s certainly understandable, not all people are good enough to be able to take in different blood as their own. Sad for your son and family for sure. But he just needs to talk to her again.
Try talking to her but not much u can do bc ur youngest one after all is her first grandchild
Flip your shit. Not ok!!! Its not ok that she favors one, if she cant show them the same love then she shouldnt get time with either of them.
Maybe she needs to spend more one on one time with your son!
Good luck fixing it. It never gets better that I know of.
We have grandchildren…some are blood…some are not…none of them have a clue who is and who isnt…everyone is
I don’t see that getting better any time soon, unfortunately…it’s hard for the inlaws to accept blood thats not their own…but it can happen…just give it time, and have your son do little extras for your mother in law, like draw her pictures or asking her if she wants something to drink…those little things might start to make her see him in a different light…good luck
If talking doesn’t work maybe don’t include her as much. It’s hard because some see blood and that’s it. I lucked up my husbands family views my daughter as much there’s as they our son. In fact my husband now wrote vows to my daughter saying he wasn’t taking me away from her but accepting her into his family. You don’t want your son feeling less then or even replaced by the new baby.
Your mother is both of your children " blood" grandmother. His mother is only related to your oldest by marriage. Even though your husband accepts her as his own. Does not mean his mother has to.
Maybe you should flip out! That’s not okay at all. If your husband didn’t get the point across then you should. I hate people like that. Whether it’s her first blood grandchild should not matter. If your husband accepted him and treats him right then his family should too. I never understood how people could behave that way towards children. That’s the thing with men and their mothers. They fear being disrespectful even tho their mothers are WRONG!
Block her from seeing the post of just the baby… Only allow her to see things about both kids together. Don’t allow her to only take the baby, if she ask say y’all have plans. If she can’t include both then she doesn’t need any …
I have a child from a previous relationship and you’d never think my daughter wasn’t my fiance’s child at get togethers. His parents even say we have ten grandchildren. There is no step involved when talking of it and often takes my daughter and has even had her overnight.
On the other hand it could also be the excitement of finally being a grandmother and knowing baby can’t be taken, where if you and your SO split she would have a bound with a child she could never see and that does hurt more than people consider.
My step sons wife is dealing with this. His nana has said her other 2 kids are married into family and not really family. I raised him as my son. I consider her kids my grandkids. Right now I do more with the babies cause 2 take up alot of time. But I love the older too kids. But not every one can love all people like they should. Spend extra time with him and he will see who really cares for him
Honestly I think it’s probably because your oldest isn’t her grandchild. There’s a bond between a grandchild and grandparents, and with your oldest not being hers there is no bond. Yeah it’s sucks, but that’s my guess
She feels a connection with her biological grandchild it’s her first. Unless her son adopts your oldest it really isn’t her grandchild no matter how much you want them to be equal to her and biologically they arnt As long as she doesn’t treat your older child badly then there isn’t much you can do Your older child has its bio fathers family also.
I see both sides …its her 1st and you shouldn’t take that away from her. But in the eyes of a child they dont see or understand that. I would say something about it but honestly thats just deal with it
The only one from my husbands side of the family that REALLY acknowledges all of my kids (4 kids total 3 didn’t come from my husband) is my father in law. And fact is I’m okay with that. My brother in law and sister in law don’t ask about my other 3. My mother in law only really acknowledges the younger two.
At the end of the day I personally don’t care bc my brother and parents go above and beyond for all 4 of them.
My mil moved in and was doing this but they’re both blood , it got so bad my oldest asked us why his nan hates him so much . As soon as he said that my husband kicked her out and we haven’t talked to her since
Tell her she either treats them both equal or she sees none of them
Unfriend her on social media or restrict her. She will ask why and you explain why, if she wants to start showing favoritism of the children, she will have limited access. Once she stops showing the signs, she can have more access. Also explain that you understand that she is excited about the baby being her “first” grandchild but she does has another one grandchild who isn’t blood who is older and won’t understand. And that you are only protecting your child’s (mental) health
Write her a honest heartfelt letter and send it in the mail
I mean, I have a stepdaughter and am currently pregnant with my mom’s first “blood grandchild”. She cares about my stepdaughter, but it’s not the same as what she feels towards the baby I’m pregnant with. I can’t blame her for that. My stepdaughter didn’t come into her life until she was 5.
Call the bitch out on her shit to her face. Shame her 🤷
Honeslty, some people suck as treating Blended Families as their own. We had a few people who couldn’t do it, and we made it very clear that they were either going to treat our family as one, or we didn’t need them in our lives.
It’s very simple to us. Luckily for us, anyone who had been being that way, most didn’t even realize they were, and others just needed a little more time. Now, we have been a family for over 3 years, and everyone loves each of our kids equal on both sides of their family. I wish you the best of luck honey!
My inlaws outright told my step kid she would always be their favorite. Im due with “our” first baby in September. I dont have any advice, just know you aren’t alone.
People tend 2 fuss more over babies. My mother never had time 4 my youngest bcuz she hated his dad. She would take the older 3 shopping n never include the youngest. I told her once 2 plez get him something while she had them out shopping n she got him a freaking toothbrush!!! None of my kids associate with her anymore.
I have been with my fiance for 7 years, we have 3 kids together and I have 1 son from a previous relationship. His moms side of the family is always treating my son poorly, not o his face but when they call and ask how the kids are they never ask about my son and they always send stuff for the other 3 but not my son. Drives me nuts but it’s there loss.
It’s different when it’s your blood
Are the birth father’s parents involved in his life? Does he see them with his dad? Is he getting love and attention that the youngest doesn’t? I feel like that might have some impact here.
I have cut family out of me and my children lives for this if they are not treated equal you loose out on all of them. I will not let my children feel like they are less then the other or let them feel unwanted.
My mom treats her stepgrandchildren and step great grandchildren better than my daughter and it is not right and pisses me off. Let the woman choose who belongs to her.
You can try talking to her civil first. But if she continues it with the favoritism then cut her off. It really hurts when a grandparent or parent chooses a sibling over you.
That’s really not fair! Your poor son. All children should be treated equally. I would try talking to her again and if it keeps up just take a step back from her
Your husband needs to call her out on it thats really unfair blood or not your married so they should be treated the same
I’d just sit her down and talk to her about it. Your oldest is old enough to see the favoritism I know because I was about that age when my mother and step father got together and his mom was the same way. It never got better towards me but fortunately she treated my kids like they were her great-grands so I hold no ill will now.
If she can’t treat both of your children with the same amount of love then she doesn’t deserve to be in their lives, simple as that. Kids notice when they arent being treated equally.
Honestly we r a very blended family! My in-laws treat ours that isn’t blood to them the same but it took time for them to get use to. Then we have our other 2 that aren’t blood to my parents but they are still treated the same and then we have our 2 that are both blood related and they r treated same… there is no in between for us! Either love and treat all of them the same or don’t come around at all… heck even our to that isn’t blood to my hubby has their aunt from the donors side that treats all of our kids as her nieces and nephews… u just have to be strict and stick with it… love all our kids or see none…simple as that…
I wish I could give advice… but I too deal with this and nothing has gotten better. At this point I’m living with it and just waiting for myself to blow up
She can get with the program or she can get the fuck outta y’alls lives
I’m in a totally opposite situation. My kisd step grandparents involve my girls more than their own grandparents on their fathers side dose. My ex in-laws will have the other grand kids over and not invite my children. My children live 10 minutes from them and they almost never call or ask to see them. My youngest and her cousin are only 3 months apart and they didn’t get my daughter anything for her first birthday but did their grandson.
My man put his foot down with his mom and told her that if she can’t treat all our kids the same she doesn’t need to be in any of thier lives. We just had our lil girl together last year after being together for around 5 years. I have 3 older kids, 2 girls 15/12 and a boy 10, from my previous relationship. He treats them all like they are his and was a great stepfather before we had our youngest daughter. If she doesn’t hear that tou expect them all to be treated the same she won’t. Luckily his mom snaooes at what she was doing once he said that and has been a great grandmother to all of our kids.
I dont have to be around her
Some of the comments in here are terrible. “It’s not her blood so she doesn’t really have to.” “Well I can see where she’s coming from. He’s only married in”
BITCHES, WHAT?! I pray you never have to deal with a blended family. That’s like “we got this kid a present because we are related by blood, but not this one cause he’s not really related to us”
“She doesn’t have to love him because your husband hasn’t adopted him. Even then she wouldn’t have to”
NO! If HE IS WITH YOU THEN SHE SHOULD LOVE THAT BABY WITH ALL HER HEART. NO MATTER IF HIS BIO DAD IS IN THE PICTURE OR NOT. I GIVE NO FUCKS BRO. It’s not fair to your child that people are shitty and can’t seem to even glance in their direction since they aren’t “related”.
I guess this is touchy to me because I’m adopted and everyone loved me as if I were my mommas bio child.
And I wasn’t even supposed to be adopted. It kinda just happened.
Well that child is 1 and a baby and the other is not her blood grand child , she cant feel a certain way because u want her too
My husband and I also have a blended family and it’s HARD enough, without other people in your lives making it more difficult. Try talking to her calmly about it. If she doesn’t understand or try to change, put distance between your family and her. It’s only going to hurt your 8 year old to see that and cause resentment towards the baby. All children deserve to be loved regardless of blood relation. It’s not always easy to bond in the beginning but she is the adult and she should try to make it better.
I can’t say much because I’m pretty sure it will be seen by some people involved but here’s a bit of my situation. I have 2 kids by my bf of like 6yrs. He was raised by his Aunt so she is pretty much the only mother he’s ever known. The kids we have together are technically her only grandkids. She favors every other child in her family & excludes my kids. Besides an occasional comment on Facebook or me messaging her to show her pics of the kids we have little to no contact. We had a rough start as far as getting along but things have gotten better. For some reason though my kids have NEVER been a priority to her. Its like out of sight out of mind with her. I’ve extended a few olive branches, apologized for my wrong doings in the past, & still no effort is made on her end. So I’ve just given up completely. My thoughts are if she wants to be apart of her grandkids lives she will make an effort, if not her loss. If I were you I’d do the same. If she can’t grasp that she has 2 grandkids then she doesn’t need to be a part of their lives. Screw her & all the other “grandparents” that favor people. Its wrong no matter how you look at it & NO KID deserves that.
Kids notice that and it effects them I fully understand we’re you coming from just keep the kids away from her
Also talk to her plenty of times before you throw the towel in
My family did this with my son. Favored my daughter over him. Would come pick her up and take her everywhere and buy her everything but when I asked them to start including him because he was noticing they just stopped asking all together. I put a stop to them leaving him out. My rule is both my youngins are included or neither.
People are always more gooey over babies, but this has been brought to her attention and she still isn’t making more of an effort. That says to me that she is just a crappy person.
Tell her to treat them the same or go…
I married an only child and we have two sons. My in laws favored the oldest, and acted like the youngest didn’t exist. My oldest was scared of my mother in law, because she had a gruff voice, and wasn’t a “fuzzy, loveable” kind of person. She was always hovering over him, paying attention to him, and he didn’t want any of it. My youngest was always asking why they always bought stuff for his brother, but not him. They never changed. My oldest son got to where he would tell them “no thank you. If my brother doesn’t get some, too, I don’t want it”. He noticed, didn’t think it was fair, and told them so. So they stopped doing anything for either of them, and said they were ungrateful. I had a talk with my sons, and explained to them that some people are different than others, and you can’t control or change them; you can only control and change your own reactions to them. I explained that their grandparents lived them in their own way, and that we love and accept their grandparents no matter how they act. It’s sad sometimes, but I needed my kids to know that they didn’t do anything wrong … their grandparents were just different.
I just went threw a similar situation with my fiancé’s grandmother she favored one out of the 6 kids we have I have two from a previous he has two and we have two together she had her pick she would be nice to everyone’s face and be hateful behind closed doors this all ended up one big mess losing our home and everything because we told her to stop she said no we told her don’t come around she kicked us off the property when it’s all said and done you fend for your kids no matter what if I had a chance to do it over we would have left a lot faster it’s all or none I take care of all theses babies as they are mine own my fiancé has always been dad and that’s all they know people are crappy when it comes to step kids either you let it go because they will always be that way or put your foot down and take them away it may sound mean but it’s more hurtful to the kids in the long run
So she favors her grandchild? So if your son’s other grandparents don’t acknowledge your baby would that upset you?
My mother did this, only wanted anything to do with my sin, not my daughters. I explained these children are siblings, if she could not find it in herself top live them all, then she could not be around us. It was UK unpleasant for many years but my kids know I love them and put them first. I hope you get a chance to explain this to your MIL, life is short and kids deserve love.
My husbands mother and sister do this. They’re both all about the boys that I had with my husband…but my daughter…well they very rarely see her but will go out of their way to see the boys all the time. His other sister tho, she dotes on my daughter. My daughter absolutely loves her aunt “mellisida” (mellisa) but after 5 years of being with my husband, she still cant even remember her other aunts name. That’s how often she sees her.
Tell her if you can’t treat them the sa.e then you can do things for either
Just tell her if she can’t treat them both the same, she can’t be a part of your lives. She has a right to her feelings, but she doesn’t have a right to hurt your son’s feelings or make him feel bad about something that is entirely out of his control.
Ope well I guess grandma doesn’t get any visits until she can get it through her head that both children are equal. Only way to deal with in laws like that. I’d block her from future posts of your children and just flat out tell her she needs to cut the shit or she won’t be involved in their lives.
You and your husband chose that lifestyle, your parents or in-laws or whoever else did not.
I would demand that hubby put his foot down!
Do you expect the 8 year Olds grandparents to love your new baby?
My mother in law favors our oldest. Both are blood but it shows and it’s annoying.
My mil treats my oldest girls who she never has met as they live in a different state then where we do with the same respect as she does my and her sons baby, she will talk about my 3 girls and will when they come here for my wedding she said she’s not treating the girls different just cause they aren’t hers
It’s her first grandchild. It’s only natural that she’s gonna love and fuss over the baby more. As long as she treats both of them equally and shows love to the other child in her own way, then it is fine.
100% would not be okay with that! If she can’t treat them the same then there would be a nice lone chat with her. I’m a single mom and if any man I’m with and planning a life with family cant accept my son or treat him the same as his kids or any future kids we have then it’s a no go for me.
My Mother in law did this to me when I first met my Husband. I did not have our own children she made it clear that her other Grandchildren were her’s! It was tough after awhile I was lucky most time he with his real dad. In your case have to put your foot down period! So sorry she like that.
I would explain to your eldest if you can. They are not their grandparents. But your own parents are. You cant force someone to love your child. Its a shame. Because my brother loves his step grandchildren.
Went through this and more, your most important role is to protect your children, your family! He needs to give her a choice, treat all your family equally or not allow her to see them…I went through this and it hurt my children so much and so many fighting trying to protect the kids…they MUST COME FIRST, PERIOD!!!
A new member of the family is exciting, they’re only little for so long and she’s probably trying to enjoy all those important milestones during the first few years while she can. She doesn’t get to spend as much time with the new baby as mom and dad do, so I can understand why her attention is more focused on your 1yo. This is also her first grand baby. It’s not an excuse for her being dismissive of your other child though and she needs to understand how detrimental her actions can be to a kid’s emotions.
Some people can be ignorant. I’m sorry she is causing hurtful feelings.
Don’t allow her to continue.
You need to make it clear it’s not acceptable. If your husband is loving to your first child THAN she needs to do the same.
Your child is innocent and deserves equal love and caring if not there will be division among your children!
Sadly this is Not Unusual and she may not even realize how often she does this. Yr son needs to talk to her that her bias is getting very noticeable esp by yr son . I doubt she would want to hurt a child. She needs to be made more aware of this developing issue and make an effort, but yr husband needs to talk to her about this-‘NOT YOU. It’s his Mom…so he has to step up and handle his mom and situation when she fails
She’s old enough to be self aware of her actions but she might need a pep talk!
If things don’t change, just limit her contact with the baby for the sake of the older child.
There will come a time when the older child will indicate he feels/sees a difference she’s making and then allow that child to voice it to MIL.
She won’t likely change so decide what you will tolerate and how you’ll handle it if she doesn’t change.
When my step dad came into my life, his whole family treated us as their own. Then my mom had two more children. NO DIFFERENCE! We were still treated equally. I’m only using the term step for clarification purposes, but he was my dad and they are all my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. Even after my parents split up, we still remained family. That’s love.
Children should be treated equally my moms ex treats my son and me like we are his blood and he was never even married to my mother. If you love one you love them all. Personally if you can’t love them equally you shouldn’t love any of them. They are innocent children who are easily influenced. I certainly wouldn’t allow that negativity around my children.
You can not force someone to love anyone. You can only control how you react. Think it through. Don’t look for an excuse to get the inlaws out of the children’s lives Your child/ren miss out on grandparents and your husband may become resentful. Like it or not that’s his mother. You should decide who talks to her about it as she doesn’t want to feel ganged up on.
Honestly, I’d put her in her place. If she can’t treat them the same, then there is no reason for her to be around. Flat out, it’s not okay and one day your oldest will notice it and be extremely hurt. Nip it in the bud. Best of luck.
I personally would stop bringing the kids over to her house, until she comes to her senses that she can’t play favoritism. Okay, the first child isn’t hers, but I’m sure your child sees her as a grandmother figure, and that’s unfair. Either she gets the hint, or no grand babies, that’s what I would do.
If she cannot treat them as equals and show the same amount of love to both of them and you have tried to talk and correct it multiple times I would stop associating with her. I grew up with favoritism in my family being VERY obvious and it’s not fair honestly it’s very hurtful and it still bothers me even as an adult. I don’t let my kids around people who don’t love on both of them or if someone tends to favor one over the other.
I went through this living with my youngest sons dad in his mothers house. My oldest was treated very differently compared to the kids that were actually blood. Last Christmas my oldest didn’t get a gift from any of them but my youngest who is related to them is.
I left and I won’t be around them neither will my oldest for that matter. Not now and not in the future. When it comes to family functions I’ll do something with me and my kids to celebrate them but if my youngest sons dad wants to do something with my youngest for holidays they can myself or my oldest won’t be present.
Personally, it’s natural to be excited about your sons first biological child. Just as I’m sure your 8 year old paternal grandparents would be more caring towards your 8 yr old than your newest addition. I know it’s tough & hope you can find a way to work through it. I think continuing to express yourself is the best way to go about it! Best of luck to you, momma!
Sounds like she needs some time with the older child. Bonds with older kids do not just happen. That relationship has to grow. Bonds with babies especially biological happen fast.
Maybe tell her stuff like how much the 8 year old loves her, set up times for just the two of her to hangout. Show her she’s valued as a grandparent to both. Just my thoughts of “heap kindness on them”.
Honestly I feel there should be some more examples for this story. If it is her first blood grandchild and a baby still at that, I don’t think what she’s doing is too bad. Maybe she isn’t actually picking favorites and your reading too much into it? I would have a polite but blunt talk with her about it because maybe she isn’t seeing what you are. Or maybe even just give her time.
If you guys have talked to her about it, I would stop letting her see your kids until she can accept both. My mother isnt involved in any of my kids life because she doesn’t accept my oldest and doesn’t believe hes my husband’s son.
I don’t know, I don’t think you can force her to treat a child that is not actually her grandson like if he was. It would be an extra if she did, but he has a set of grandparents already. He gets the love. As long as she doesn’t mistreat him… I doubt your son pays attention to the comments under the pics. It might more your problem that his at the moment… Maybe you don’t feel fully accepted?
My mum done the same, would take my oldest, not youngest , untill I said it should be week about if it was too much both at same time (I have 5 brothers and sisters.) Or none of them. She choose none. She only had 3 grandchildren at that time. So do what’s best for your children, if it hurts her that’s her choice, no reason to make children feel they are not good enought with family.
I’d try having a conversation with her and let her know that if this behavior continues you will be forced to not bring ANY of your children around her. And unfriend (social media) her if necessary. If she wants to act childish let her be and stay away. And definitely have a conversation with your child so he understands or try to at least
You cant control how ppl will treat ur children, u can only control the situations in which we allow our children to be in. Maybe make ur parents more of a holiday priority and explain to the other why. Ur mom ur the boss lol.u make the babies u lay the law down on what is and isn’t acceptable
Been in a similar situation. Mine got so horribly bad we had to cut out the entire side of the family! Praying it goes better for you.
Jeez Louise the oldest kid is not her biological grandchild, that’s human behaviour, obviously she’d gravitate to her son’s kid, but you should say how you feel about it to her, hear what she has to say and figure it out from there.
Have a talk with the son…when you can.
I am your oldest son. I was treated differently because I was my moms first child by another then she went in to have my 3 siblings. As soon as my first brother was born I ceased to exist. My mom would buy gifts to fill in because I was THAT forgotten. I noticed at about 7ish years old. I asked my mom. She explained it wasnt right but that’s how it was and she was sorry she couldnt make them love me the same. ( something to that extent) but having my mom explain it to me made me less resentful I think. I ended up spending more time with my maternal grandparents who adored all of us and made up for what i was lacking in paternal grandparents.
I can’t believe so many of you want her told hold the baby hostage! I’m sorry but you made a choice to blend your family , Not Grandma. Obviously bring it to her attention but also make sure your 8 year olds Grands NEVER not show your new baby the same love they show him.
I am living this exact situation except I’m the mother in law. I make an extra effort to make sure I treat them the same. You need to talk to her and quick because kids pick up on things quick. You may just have to be very blunt.
I have the same problem I have 2 kids 22 yrs and 5 yrs and my bonus daughter who is 19 and my mother in law and father in law babys the 19 yr old will doted on her by buying her stuff whenever she wants but will not do it for my 2 kids. They will see she is low on toothpaste and buy it… wont for my kids. I have repeatedly said something to them about treating the 19 yr old like a baby… I am trying to teach her how to be a adult. It is to the point my step daughter has no common sense.
I was in a similar situation as a child where a grandparent favored let’s say her sons kids more then her daughters. I couldn’t tell until I was maybe your sons age… and my mom told me it was because they needed it more… and in all honesty she was right in some ways. That made me feel better about it and i understood. It was better then not letting any of us see our grand parent because I still had a really good relationship with her, and I’d rather have had the relationship I had then none at all, I loved my grandmother and she loved me. I honestly don’t even think she realized the discrepancies so I never held it against her. I guess I have a Different opinion on it because of my experience. I think it’s natural for her to be excited about a baby more then an 8year old. They’re shiny and new and because their biological its icing on the cake. Instead of trying to force her to see things your way as she might not even be consciously doing it maybe try and encourage her to spend more time with the older one. Tell her so and so is asking to see you, he was talking about you, whatever try and help them build that bond instead of just ripping it away it is important. Favoritism can 100% screw someone up, but if it’s just small things, if you explain it to them in the right way it won’t matter. Grandma loves you so much, baby is just little and needs a little more like you did when you were a baby. We love every person in our life alittle differently and this is no different I’m sure she loves him too. Before you just throw it all away try and work it out try and make as much effort as you can to salvage it that’s all I’m saying I guess.
I went thru the same thing with my mother in law. I wish you luck.
This happened to me with my mil for awhile because I have a baby with a past relationship and my fiancé told her about it she changed for a little while but went back so I flipped my shit and now she treats both kids the same. And we’re close. But stand your ground and keep both kids away from her until she respects both of them the same
Chances are it’s less of a big deal to your 8 yr old than it is to you. However, if you make it a big deal they will start to feel that pain.
Thats Bullcrap tell her she MUST treat them with identacle love or she will not have ANY relationship with either!!! AND STICK TO IT !!!