QUESTION:
"I could use your help. My husband and I have been together since 96, married since 99. Our boys are 18 and almost 13. We have always been close to all of our parents, but six years ago, we moved out of state and, therefore, quite a distance away from all of them, but still a fairly easy drive. His mother and I were always close until last year on Father’s Day. I realized during one of our conversations that she did not know our kids’ birthdays. Now, my BIL, hubby’s brother, lives pretty close to the in-laws and always has. His kids o,f course, are front and center, as she sees them regularly. Even before we left the state, we lived about 90 minutes away. She rarely visited, including birthday parties after they were 3, even though she went to all of the more, my niece and nephew. We always had to go to her because she had horses to tend to and had no help.
After I realized she didn’t know their birthdays, I caused a righteous scene. I left their house, swearing to never come back again, and went to a hotel for the remainder of the weekend. My husband didn’t speak to me comfortably for a couple of weeks, and I refused to go into visits for nearly a year. I did go for a very uncomfortable visit a month or an ago, where I sat awkwardly to the side, didn’t participate in conversations unless spoken to, and generally felt like a 3rd wheel all weekend, but it made my husband happy. However, there was a family reunion this weekend we were all expected to attend. The turnout was smaller than expected, so apparently, not everyone was encouraged to the same degree. It went well until we got to the in-laws’ house when my MIL got my oldest child’s middle name wrong. She was in the room when he was born.
He is nearly 19. She said, “his middle name is X, right?” Hubs did speak up and tell her that no, it was Y, and let it go. I went directly to bed and barely spoke the remainder of the weekend. Said child was in the room when this conversation happened, and his feelings were hurt enough that he went straight to bed as well. Now that we are home, my husband has continually asked me what was wrong, so I told him. It wouldn’t be so bad, but at least 2x yesterday, I heard her call her other grandchildren by first and middle name together. She only has four total, so it’s not like she has a slew of babies to remember. I know he loves his Mama, and I am a boy mom myself, so I understand that devotion, but am I crazy for expecting this to upset my husband too?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“Honestly you overreacted both times in my opinion but you’re allowed to feel what you feel. It’s one thing for her to have favorite grandkids but another for you to fly off the handle.”
“In my opinion, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Not everyone is good with dates and middle names. Sometimes the beginnings of dementia make people forget. I am 60 but I forget the date of my Grandsons birthday. I DON’T do it deliberately or don’t care about them. I can’t retain it. I have written it down so I can remember if nobody is around to ask. I also call my Grandsons the names of my two SONS on occasion.”
“You somehow have this unspoken competition between your kids and their cousins, including grandma’s attention. You interpret her forgetfulness of your kids’ bday or names as unfairness when it might have been unintentional on her part, and does not goes to say that she loves your kids lesser.”
“You have the right to feel any way you want. I don’t agree with you at all though. It seems like you’re trying to make everyone be on your side and when they’re not you’re more upset. At some point you’re going to have to let it go for your husband’s sake.”
“I would cut her a huge break, She may be stressed about something, depressed, or starting to lose her memory. You can be peeved with your hubby but is this really worth the impact on your relationship.”
“Love I think you’re right to be upset but you’re going about it the wrong way, causing a scene and acting the way you are isn’t going to fix anything it’s just gonna make matters worse, being nasty will get you nowhere in life.”
“I understand that you feel kind of hurt, but honestly I think you’re making it a much bigger deal than it is. Im terrible with dates and if she lives close to the other kids, she is literally going to feel closer to them as they are more a part of each other’s lives. Try to role model respect and forgiveness instead of anger and resentment. That’s what you’re teaching your son.”
“So…my thought is that you need to put your MIL to the side for a minute and think about what you are doing to your husband. Be as mad as you want, but in the end, it’s your husband who is going to pay the price. Is it really worth doing that to him? Putting him through that emotional torture by making him feel trapped between you two? Worth potentially ruining your marriage? You are already over a year into this one issue and, one day, he’s going to make a choice that you might not like.”
“I think you way overreacted….like way out there. People forget things, especially older people. I have 5 kids and I forget things all the time. I be calling them by the wrong name sometimes. I know so many people who forget their birthdates. When you have a lot of people in your life, that’s how it tends to get. You really overreacted girl. Maybe that’s something to think about.”
“I don’t think your husband should get upset, and tbh although it may be a little upsetting I really don’t think you need to get cross and cut her off for a year. The children that live close to her will obviously use their names more often. My parents call my son my nephew’s name quite regularly but he was living with them through lockdowns - they get me and my sister’s names mixed up all the time.”
“Look up dementia. Sounds more like she has early stages. And being that you are not 100 percent active in her life and the others are that can be a reason why she doesn’t remember.”
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