My mother in law is coming between my relationship: Advice?

I’m sorry in advance for the long, confusing verbal vomit that is about to happen. My partner and I have been going together for a few years now, and we’ve seen, been through, and handled the MOST, and lately, my patience is running rice paper-thin. His relationship with his mom has always been good, but now that we’ve got two kids and one on the way, I’m having a hard time. Before y’all call me a selfish monster, let me explain: his mom is the FIRST person he goes to. With personal problems, with problems about our kids, with problems about our relationship. Not me, his mom. First-person. Because of this, she constantly calls me horrible names, says that I’m too childish and too selfish for him and that I never take his feelings into consideration. She’s even told him that it’s absolutely 100% okay that he puts his wants over his children’s needs, and if I try to stop that behavior, I’m abusing him. Together we’ve battled his alcoholism, our fertility issues, my depression- prenatal and postpartum, job and home loss… and now I HONESTLY feel like his mom is back peddling MY relationship. Hers is falling to shit, and I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m finding it so hard to “be the bigger person.” I don’t even want to see her. I don’t want her around my kids, and I wish my partner would see that her behavior is a problem, if for nothing else than my mental sake… but every time I bring it up, he tells me that she’s his mom, his best friend and he assumes I’m asking him to cut her out of his life. I’m currently pregnant, and this baby is killing me. We weren’t sure we were ready for another child yet (we have a six-year-old and a nine-month-old, now I’m five months pregnant), and I’ve been horribly sick and depressed, he’s been working long hours so it’s just me and the kids and and and… So now I’m questioning if my feelings are even valid or if I have pregnancy hormones from hell.

92 Likes

You’re not wrong for feeling this way I feel like she’s just being mean and petty for God knows what reason those are you’re kids you’re family and if u don’t want to deal with her or have her around don’t. She comes over I would simply just pack you’re kids up and go to the park until she leaves she asks why I would flat out tell her because you’re disrespectful to me and I won’t allow it reading you’re post upset me because it just simply feels like she’s just out to get you lole that’s you’re family not hers she needs to know her boundaries and you’re husband needs to stop being a mama’s boy and grow up. I’m sorry you’re going through this I hope it gets better I really do

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mother in law is coming between my relationship: Advice?

Mama’s boys don’t change. You’ve set a boundary that they are ignoring. Leave immediately.

11 Likes

Girl both. You guys need to communicate with each other before going to others about your issues especially if your issues are with each other.

3 Likes

Girl its not going to get better. Mom will always come first. I have been there we would make decision and she would change them. Therapy didnt work so good luck.

10 Likes

What you have is a mama’s boy it will never change

3 Likes

Exactly why my marriage ended

You can’t change a mama’s boy :roll_eyes::woman_facepalming:

11 Likes

Slow down!!! Hormones are in over drive. Make your boundaries and stick to them but right now you and that baby are first. Take care of you then later couples therapy

6 Likes

He sounds like a mama’s boy and that makes him a Whole red flag, kids come first no matter what and his mom is wrong and if I were you would just leave but that’s me

5 Likes

He is most of the problem because if he wasn’t running to her first she wouldn’t have a problem with you. He must have a problem with you abs she’s just being vocal about his feelings. He needs to set boundaries with her if it’s gonna work but he’s not willing to do that so your stuck or have to leave

3 Likes

He is the one with the problem.

5 Likes

The problems not her it’s him. She’s acting out on his one sided story so it’s in her rights to feel a way. You have to work on you and his comminication

7 Likes

Put your foot down or you will wind up in DIVORCE court

2 Likes

When you marry, your #1 priority becomes your family. Not your extended. Your parents are extended family at that point. My husband and children ALWAYS come before my parents or siblings. I would never allow my parents to drive a wedge between us.
Bring up marriage counseling and codependency

11 Likes

You thought those red flags meant it was a carnival… bless your heart.

2 Likes

Your feelings are certainly valid. He should be talking to YOU about decisions made for yalls children and for anything between YOU & HIM! As far as keeping your children away from her… if she is harming them mentally, emotionally or physically I say GO MOMMA. If she is treating them fair and great then allow him to take them see her. You do NOT have to tolerate such bullsh*t! YOU DECIDE ON YOUR OWN HAPPINESS & YOU are gunna do what is best for YOU & YALLS CHILDREN…POINT BLANK! :100:

4 Likes

You know what to do in this situation — but his mom is in your relationship where she shouldn’t be. Get some counseling for the two of you, not his mom!!!

2 Likes

Hes the problem as much as his mom.when you get married you seperate from your parents, start a new life. Sounds like he still wants to be his mommys child. Id try some family counseling and i wish you the best.

2 Likes

That’s it, I’m Mother-In-Law Shaming

3 Likes

When you marry you leave you parents behind and ching to start you life and family.

1 Like

So what are you asking him? You’ve not been clear. You say he assumes you want him to cut her out of his life. If you say you don’t want to see her and you don’t want her around the grandchildren and you all share a life together, what should he be assuming?

1 Like

He’s a momma’s boy through and through. Good luck with that. The chances of that getting better are about the same as me winning the lottery and I don’t play the lottery.

2 Likes

His Mother isn’t the problem…HE is.
Time for him to cut the apron strings.She only knows what he tells her.!!!

12 Likes

I married a mommas boy but he certainly doesn’t act like that. He treats myself and our girls as his #1 priority. His mom sounds like she’s extremely toxic and it definitely won’t get better. I would definitely leave!

One thing is having a healthy parental relationship and another thing is having a toxic parental codependency relationship. So ask yourself which relationship does your husband and mother-in-law have. Once you know your answer, ask yourself if it’s worth staying because it’s hard breaking that codependency relationship. Therapy can be a solution if you both are ready to ACTUALLY try, NOT just say you’re going to try. Therapy let’s couples hear each other talk better than at home because the therapist is hearing, so sometimes we actually control our anger with a stranger nearby and that’s when the magic happens because we LISTEN. Another option, it’s risky and not guaranteed a good solution, but sometimes talking to both husband and mother in law about how you feel can work. It will make you look like the bad guy because it’s 2 to 1, but when they hear you out sometimes little things try to get fixed. Overall, it’s easier said than done. Or we tell you plenty of options but you still stick until you no longer can. At the end of the day it’s your time and relationship so ask yourself what you want and if you can push through it despite all the drama.

3 Likes

It’s on him :woman_shrugging: he needs to talk out the problems with you rather than his mom. It’s completely fine if you choose to not be around his mom or cut off communication. I chose to not go around or communicate with my now ex’s family and it’s been glorious!

2 Likes

Wow im so sorry. He should definitely be coming to u with his problems 1st. I meam yes he should have a relationship with his mom but it shouldn’t be at the cost of urs n his. My husband 100% backs me even when it comes to his family mom included. He has had blow out arguments with his parents over them talkn bad about me. Ans u should be his best friend

1 Like

Yet you kept having kids…grow up…nuff said

8 Likes

His mother is not the problem. He is the problem. If he can’t communicate things with you and work them out without his mommy being involved, then your relationship is in serious trouble. His mom is also to blame here, she should be there to listen and support, not judge or cause more issues. Sounds like everyone needs to take a step back, look at the situation and seek counseling.

3 Likes

Why question your feelings? You know how you feel. Ask yourself this, if you werent pregnant, would you still feel the same way? Relationships are meant to be going through hell to see if its meant to be. Your letting her get to you and honestly you need to accept the fact that yeah hes a mommas boy. Is he worth it? Is being in a relationship with him and his mom worth it? And honestly if he truly loved you and the family you both built he would stand up for you when she says horrible things about you. Idk what im saying but just think about what itll be like in a year or 5 yrs from now. Mentally is it worth it??

2 Likes

Couples therapy. Then you can have an impartial person tell him how it’s effecting his relationship

4 Likes

My ex and my ex-mother-in-law were the same way and lawdy, good luck. Her enabling his addictions and awful, abusive behavior made it impossible to work through anything. Thought things would change after getting married and he would focus more on our own home and NERPE. Some boys just don’t know the difference between having love and respect for your momma, and toxic codependency. I’d get family counseling or run for the hills.

3 Likes

Yep, leave him. He still on mommas tit. It won’t get better on you till she’s dead or he’s gone. I know this pattern all to well. I put up with it for 25 years. Until I had my for real breaking point. I told them both to go [email protected]#k themselves. I raised my son myself. And he’s a fantastic human for it.

1 Like

If you aren’t married, she isn’t your mother in law. If you aren’t married, he has already chosen her over you.

2 Likes

THEIR behavior is a problem, not his. DUMP him, he’s codependent and mommy is dependent. They are both sick and this will never change…

1 Like

Sounds like he and his mother are toxic af :fire: :fire: :fire:
Sorry you are going through this :disappointed: you feelings ARE valid. I don’t think I’d stay in a relationship like that.

3 Likes

It’s not his mom to blame it is him. He should not be running yo his mother to bad mouth you. He is the issue. He needs to fix his issue.

3 Likes

If you aren’t married I’d leave him. I know that’s easier said than done but you have your mental health to worry about on top of physical health and pregnancy. Is it worth it to stay with him? Maybe give him an ultimatum. He’s heavily dependent on his mother which is extremely unhealthy. She also sounds like she has her own issues to work through. If you don’t want to leave him yet, try couples therapy. But you do have to put yourself first in this type of situation because that ks a form of abuse and the PTSD and trauma from the emotional and mental abuse can be hard to come back from. I’ve been there before, and I wish I had left sooner. We also had two kids and weren’t married. It took being physically abused after our second was born for me to walk away finally. Kt was hard yeah because I still “loved him” (thought I did) but if I hadn’t, the depression inflicted by staying with Him would have killed me.

2 Likes

Sounds toxic! Run girl! Run!!

3 Likes

Happened to me ending in divorce

2 Likes

If he calls her, his best friend…you’ve got a big momma’s boy :sweat_smile: this is gonna be a tough one

7 Likes

She sounds like a toxic enabler, and your hubby won’t stop going to her because she gives him the answers that he wants.

3 Likes

Move, take your partner, kids and yourself and move very far away from mommy!

2 Likes

You’re married to a man child :baby:. Since he goes to her first, puts her on a pedestal, and enables her behavior maybe he should’ve married her. :nauseated_face: if you can save money on the side, then divorce him, and move the heck out. (Or kick him out if he lives with you.) People like him aren’t worth the headache.

4 Likes

He is the problem running to her with problems instead of talking to you & you stopping him from putting wants before needs is not abuse he should be putting his kids needs first not doing so could be considered child abuse, cut off contact with her you don’t have to communicate with her if you don’t want to & those your kids so he best make sure your comfortable with his mom/friend/whatever u want to call her seeing them before he lets them see her behind your back he needs to man up

2 Likes

I would have cut him loose when you said that he says his mom is his best friend. That and his alcoholism…no dear. It seems you’ve let him run back to his mommy for too many things and if he isn’t willing to cut the cord by now, it may be too late for him. Mine talks to his mother almost everyday. But she doesn’t interfere with our marriage or family. Not at all. There is something significantly wrong with that and you know it.

2 Likes

Same story in my life. My mother in law wants me gone

I couldnt do it.I’d run as far as I could.He shouldnt be running to his mom about yalls problems.

1 Like

Your mother in law is a serious problem and your husband is blind. It’s not going to get any better.

5 Likes

Pack is bags and tell him to move back in with mammy

4 Likes

His mother is a horrible enabler. Hes an alcoholic and that won’t ever stop if it has not 3 kids later. He’s not going to unlatch from moms tit. He’s obviously figured out you will tolerate pretty much anything because it’s got this far already. He assumes your trapped because of so many kids and his mother as his enabler and anchor and neither one have any respect for you. You have 2 choices. Put up with it and ruin what life you have left or put a stop to it. Not saying either will be easy but honestly thats the only choices you have. Oh and by the way, his alcoholism is basically abuse towards you and your kids. There are places you can go and courts that can help get mama’s boy to pay support since he refuses to change the situations. Prayers for you.

4 Likes

It’s definitely not the pregnancy… his relationship with his mom isn’t healthy. I have 2 sons and would definitely not expect to be called their best friend. A husband should always go to his wife first. Get marriage counseling fast… it might not work cause he doesn’t see the problem. You might want to start putting money aside and set yourself up for a move. It sounds hard but living like you are now is living in HELL. I have been there.

7 Likes

He should never be talking to his mother about your marital problems. That’s inviting her interference and creating hatred against you. He needs to grow up and she needs to butt out.

My MIL would absolutely LOVE it my hubby was like this BUT he has told her point blank after her causing all kinds of drama that she WOULD respect me or not be apart of our lives! I’m sorry your husband it not standing up for you and y’all family! I doubt it will get any better.

Typical mamas boy ! And your monster in law knows no boundaries. They are seriously a big issue. I’m not sure what I’d do in your shoes. I definitely wouldn’t put up with it though. Maybe take a week break at a family members and do a pros and cons list and ask him honestly if he’s willing to work on your relationship. If he says yes explain you want less contact with the MIL not cut out but less communication because you both need to work on you as a couple before baby comes. If not I’d definitely kick him back to the monster!

4 Likes

Tell him to stay with his mama and take the kids and go. Maybe that will help him REALLY realize that what he is doing IS an issue.
Bc girl… its not just your pregnancy hormones. He should talk to YOU about YALLS RELATIONSHIP. Not someone else

3 Likes

Your feelings are valid. Maybe you guys should get counseling. Try to keep busy away from her. Maybe don’t listen when your husband talks about what his mom says. Maybe don’t answer the phone to her. Say you are pregnant and not feeling well and don’t want to talk right now. It very difficult being with a Momma’s boy. If he won’t go to counseling go yourself, at least then you’d have someone to vent to

1 Like

Your feelings are very valid. You’re not the monster-in-law, she is.

1 Like

My mother in law was the same way. She made a point to me almost every time I saw her to let me know I was not his ex. She would tell my stepson he didn’t have to listen to me. I left and the next day my husband came after me and told me he had a talk with his mom and it would not happen again. I took my daughter and went back. A year later she had cancer in her bladder and it spread so fast. While in the hospital she told everyone to leave the room but me. I didn’t know what to think I was scared…She took my hand and said. I want you to take care of Rickey you have done a great job with My son and my grandson. Rickey was her disabled son I did it for 11 years and I had a nervous breakdown and had to let him go to a home. I feel bad but you have to make the decision for your health. I think you should leave and if he really loves you he will come get you. And stand up to his mom for you and his kids.

2 Likes

Naw, I had to do that too with mine. He’s too dependent on mom. Which is fine, moms are cool. But whenever they come between your relationship, that’s a problem. Mine used to come over unannounced, come inside, come in and find things in the house that were a problem to her, she would get mad if we didnt text back right away, she said my child is autistic at 6 months of age, (hes not, hes always been ahead) and she has so many more issues than just that, I cant explain them all. Let’s just say, munchausen by proxy might be a real thing. So, you have HAVE to cut that toxic shit out. That doesn’t mean don’t talk to her, but only when its necessary and set boundaries and if you have to tell her how you feel, then GO FOR IT. You have too.

Okay… You’re in that relationship for Several years now and you haven’t put your foot down. It is what it is. It won’t change. They don’t respect you. Decide if this is the life you want. If not leave with your kids. Far away. If he follows, you may have a chance.

2 Likes

Dealt with a similar problem. I know he loved me but he always put his mother’s feelings above mine. If I asked him to stand up and say something to her about ANYTHING it was “nothing worth arguing with her about”…

We were together for almost 6 years, 2 kids. I’ve been divorced for a little over a year now.

1 Like

You tried to change him. Don’t you want a partner instead of three kids with one on the way. Growing together is different than trying to change someone. Missionary love usually doesn’t last. Birthe your fourth child and go make a new life and leave your first child with his Momma.

2 Likes

Man I’m so glad I no longer have to deal with the awful in-laws I had. It will never change especially if he isn’t having your back he is a big part of the problem here… this wasn’t the case with mine she is just a horrid person inside and out!!
Free yourself from dealing with her nasty ass and his you’ll feel so much better!

I agree pack his stuff and tell him to go live with his mommy.

1 Like

The main issue is him going to her with all of y’all’s problems.

1 Like

You don’t have an inlaws issue at all you have a SO issue. He’s inviting his mother into the relationship and hasn’t cut strings to be a grown up. I’d do therapy so you guys can get back on track or at least work on a coparenting strategy. You don’t have to see anyone that’s causing you stress. But first look at your SO Bc he’s bringing that extra stress to you.

3 Likes

Yeah shes a serious problem and he’s not putting his actual family first. This is ridiculous.

2 Likes

Tell him to go live with his mommy

5 Likes

Let him know that his mum is going to eventually be the end of your relationship with him, and if he is seriois aboit his kids and you he will listen to you, that you not trying to cut her out but that she needs to back off and oit of your relationship, his relationship with her is unhealthy etc…

2 Likes

You need to read what you wrote “he said she’s his best friend” “goes to her for advice etc” YOU are the outsider because you didn’t set boundaries like you should’ve now it’s too far gone relationship wise. Take the kids and go, see what he does and who he chooses, go from there.

3 Likes

It’s emotional incest and gross

3 Likes

The husband is supposed to leave he’s family and stand by he’s wife’s side and build a life for himself, her and the kids. This means that he’s supposed to put the family/home he builds above he’s biological family or the family he came from.

He either changes he’s priorities or he’s gone. I would also try counselling for yourself and also marriage counselling for the both of you.

7 Likes

Sounds like a mother in law from hell.
Remind him your relationship is between the two of you and not his mother. Your the one who gave birth to your children, not her. Your the one who takes care or your kids and house, not her. Your his partner. If he doesn’t get it, its time to leave. Some men are just momma boys who’s mothers think that their son does no bad at all and its the womens fault for everything. If its like that, your never going to win. Cut your losses and move on.

4 Likes

It’s not mommy, it’s hubby. He’s a mommas boy.

1 Like

See, I ended up saying something to his mother and now he sees it for himself. She meddled in our marriage one too many times and I was over it. Now we are no contact but allow the kids to see her. :woman_shrugging:t3:

2 Likes

Mamas boys are sooooo unattractive

4 Likes

Sounds like partner is the problem, Not the mother in law. I only read first few sentences of this and if he’s going to his mommy for everything that’s where it’s a problem.

7 Likes

This is what happens when you breed with a mummas boy…
Didn’t you know their relationship before having children?
Pregnancy hormones elevate everything. But come on girl, you knew… his mummy wont change amd niether will he becaise ‘all they need is each other’
Stay and be his 2nd best or leave and be happy with a real man🤷‍♀️

7 Likes

Tell him to marry his mommy

12 Likes

You have a ma
Ma’s boy. Even therapy won’t help him.

5 Likes

Your partner is your life partner not hers. If he can’t draw that line then make him choose!

4 Likes

You are in a losing situation unless gets off mommys teet. She sure isn’t going to ween him. He either has to change that mess…or your only 2 options…get use to it…or walk away.

3 Likes

You are supposed to be his bestfriend now, his partner, the first person that he will run to & confide about his emotions & struggles. Not his mother.

1 Like

You’re mother in law isn’t the problem it’s him!

10 Likes

First rule of relationship

  1. If something is wrong or seams to be wrong. First person you talk to is your significant other.
  2. What is going on in a relationship shouldn’t be spoken to anybody out of the relationship till both of you have talked and worked as much out as you can in a week.
  3. If the talks are causing arguments and fights really listen to what the other person perceives and try to respond as if you are in their shoes. Perspective is different for everyone.
  4. And last family has no say in your relationship and if you talk about it to family expect that you just screwed up the family dinamics by making family hate each other. The person that talked has no self respect or respect for their relationship that should be put before other relationships.
4 Likes

I wish you had realized all of this before having 3 kids by this mamas boy!!! You know deep down , it is all his fault!!! He tells his mom y’all’s business. I bet he never says anything nice about you to his mom. I feel for your kids in this mess. Should have got out before having kids with him!!! He has problems & sick relationship the way he turns his mom against you. He wants his mom to baby & pet him!!!

8 Likes

Leave it wont change or get better trust me tell him you and the kids need to come first or its not worth it

5 Likes

Noooope. If he can’t talk to you about your relationship before momma, you need a serious talk!

3 Likes

If your partner won’t defend you against his abusive mom, he’s not much of a guy. Leave.

4 Likes

Yeah I was miserably married to a man like that …we divorced 16 years later …run girl run that’s all I got to say

4 Likes

Your dealing with a narcissist mother n law…a narcissist husband(she made him into one)…It don’t get no better…it only gets worse!

4 Likes

Ok get both of you to couple counselling and do it asap… U both need to learn to communicate better and he needs to learn that he isnt married to his mummy… Its all very well to confide in her but when she judges u for it or can’t keep her mouth shut well it has too stop. I too had the mother in law from hell, she even hit me and threw things at me and l always turned the other cheek. But after 25 years l walked away from my marriage and outgrew him and the inlaws. This will happen to you if you don’t nip things in the bud now. Hindsight is a good thing, l wish l had of done things differently, l wish l had of stood up for myself, l wish l hadnt of been so gracious and hoped she might change. I wish l hadnt enabled that toxic family like l did… Maybe my ex-husband might of kept his wife. I wish l had of wiped them from our life alot sooner before it was too late for me and us… So please this is not ok and they will only get worse, get some professional help so your partner has some inside into his behavior.

6 Likes

She sounds like a narcissist and you need to leave ASAP!

I had this issue with my ex. He went to his mom for everything. I wasnt even allowed in the room when they talked on the phone. We split and I’m so glad I never had kids with him. He wont change. My partner now goes to me for anything before anyone else. No matter what. You should be #1, not momma.

5 Likes

I’ve been here before, but I was where your husband is. Our relationship suffered so much we split up for a year and we are so much better now that it is just the two of us in the relationship now.

1 Like

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mother in law is coming between my relationship: Advice?

May have something to do with pregnancy hormones… but it sounds like she’s an instigator… been there. Does he have any guy friends? Maybe ask him to talk to one of them about his issues. Whoever he talks to is going to probably think your selfish because they aren’t hearing both sides try not to let that bother you. Relationships are hard and having young kiddos is hard… hang in there mama y’all will get through it