My mother-in-law’s comments are getting the best of me! How do I deal with a MIL who is constantly shaming my husband and I for not coming around or making more of an effort? We have 3 children, one in high school and two with complicated health conditions. All three have their activities they participate in, plus school & friends. The oldest also has a job and visits with his bio dad regularly. Our monthly calendar always looks like a toddler scribbled on it!Now a bit about her; She lives 45 minutes away and hasn’t worked in over 10 years. She insists she was a terrific mother, but my husband would disagree. She lives in a house with 7 other adults and all have 2-3 pets. The house is not in good condition and it smells like animal urine, even from outside! And they don’t have a vehicle because they can’t afford one. I’ve invited her to the kids events and recitals, she’s never come, even if we offered to come pick her up. We’ve invited her to birthday parties and holiday gathers we host, she only comes to one or two a year. I asked her to lunch when I was shopping in the area, but she couldn’t because she didn’t have someone to babysit her 9 week old kitten for an hour. We even offered to go to her house for Christmas and Thanksgiving but she canceled on us at the last minute. The two with health conditions have had me sleeping in a hospital chair 23 nights over the last two years and she has never once even called, she expects us to call her to tell her how they’re doing. I’ve told her our door is always open - no notice necessary. I don’t know how else to include her and I don’t know how to navigate the comments when she tries to corner us.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mother-in-law is getting to me: What should I do?
You’ve done what you can. It’s on her to be more involved. Like you said it’s a 2 way street you both need to put in effort and if she doesn’t that’s her faul
This may be difficult, but just don’t let it get to you. You know in your heart that you make an effort and she doesn’t. There’s literally nothing else you can do.
Sounds like you are doing more than enough.
Sounds like you belong in here Monster-In-Law Support
Unfortunately some in laws are just impossible to deal with
Sounds like she needs to grow tf up honestly. Seems like she cares more about controlling you and seeing you cater to her whims than she does actually seeing her grandkids. Let her know she’s invited to events and you will coordinate a ride. You’re not obligated to anything more than that.
I threw away my whole mother in law in the garbage. Because that’s where she belongs for not wanting to be involved with any of our 4 children. Throw away yours as well. 
I’m sorry I don’t sugar coat. You keep your head up mama. 
If she really wanted to see them more, she would…
“You can always come over” would be my response every single time. People tend to think because you have time for everything involving kids that you should make time somehow for them too. It’s selfish, but they need to make the effort. Plain and simple. You have too much going on to worry about her feelings. “You can always come visit” is where it would end with me. Plain and simple. Just build some tough skin and let whatever she says go. Sounds like she gets more of a kick out of teasing you about it than actually wanting to spend time. You married her son, not her. You say she is welcome, leave it at that. If she makes the effort then I’d consider maybe moving something around in the future. But you don’t have time for all that. Lift that rug and brush it under. You can buy new rugs.
Do what we did cut the mil out of your life haven’t spoken to her in 4 years and my kids don’t miss her one bit. She was evil af
Tell her to mind her on damn business
Cut ties, she sounds toxic.
Tell her straight… stict to the reality and give it to her straight… if she can’t make time for a visit with having zero young kids etc… then how does she expect u too…
I know its easier said than done … but try to ignore it… when she makes a comment or starts on u … just smile at her … hey ho it … and ask if she wants a drink or change the subject…
Her feelings are her responsibility. You’re dealing with a toxic person. You can’t win. Invest your energy where it makes a difference and supports your well-being and that of your kids and your marriage. Only way to deal with toxic family members is no contact or very very low sporadic contact on your terms in safe circumstances and environments where you can leave immediately if need be.
I would just go on with my life. Thats his mother not yours. Life is so much better without that extra stress. As for my man. That’s on him whether he goes around or not. I do sometimes feel bad for not going around but I can’t deal with that gossiping stuff. I can love from a far. The grandparents should be asking about the grandkids and coming to see them. Not the other way around.
Just say we are doing the best we can. Please don’t judge us.
Tough love. Set boundaries and tell her to knock it off if she’s not going to put in the effort.
Working and being busy with kids activities can be stressful so don’t let her work you up more.
I mean. Next time she makes a snide comment, repeat what you typed above. Tell her what all she doesn’t do and how she never comes over or accepts offers for visits or holidays etc. You answered your own question hun. Tell her what you told us and let the rest unfold from there.
When she starts bad-mouthing you or your husband hang up
She’s the adult if she chooses not to act like one that’s on her. Period.
First I’d put her in her place about all the negativity she says and then I’d block her number as well as on all social media. I wouldn’t listen to the negativity.
Tell her phones work BOTH ways, so does visiting and if SHE doesn’t want to make the effort to come to the kids events then she can stay excluded. Not you, your husband, or the kids’ problem. You have lives. Her living situation is ALSO her own problem and if it isn’t sanitary I would not send my kids over there and I would tell her exactly so. If she wants to be included she needs to make proper changes herself to make an inclusive environment. Then be done with it. If that means cutting her off because she wants to continue to complain but not change, so be it.
Forget she exists. She’s missing out 
STOP INVITING HER PERIOD
You can’t please some people. Try to ignore her cuts.
Sounds like you’re already bending over backwards for her. Leave what you’ve told her on the table as to what you will do to facilitate having a relationship with y’all and stick to it. If she chooses not to arrange anything with y’all then that’s on her, not you. And tell her so when she brings it up. Stick up for yourself and your family. All you can do is piss her off. 
Show her this post !!! 
Seems like you and your family need to just let her be.
My mIL only messages on messenger to see how kids are. Just recently got a car and hasn’t been to see them once so I completely understand. You do what is best for you and your family
Cut her out of your life. Problem solved.
do NOT bend, 'cause she has already proved she will NOT !!!
My last salary was $ 16915 for working 22 hours a week online. My sister’s friend now has an average of 16,000 a month and works about 20 hours a week. I couldn’t believe how easy it was when I tried.
Check This >>>> https://basicforall16.netlify.app/
Omg sounds like my MIL. I refuse to let my kids see her because she is so toxic and tells my kids that my husband is a clone and not their dad or her son. Tells my 9 yr old daughter that she will die in her sleep because of her weight and so much more. I finally told my older kids that if they want to go over they can but they dont want to because all she does is belittle my husband and calls me a bad parent. So over it. She doesn’t make an effort to see them
Either. And when We have made an effort before it blew up to what it is now. She wouldn’t watch my 8 and 9 yr old. She will want the older Kids but not my younger ones. I wont have it. I will not allow my kids to be around someone who is toxic. Good luck.
You take you and your family and go visit her.
Talk about her cat having day care for pets.
Remind her of the scheduled time that your children have their sport game days and send for her and possibly schedule day care the cat.
Even buy her a pet clean up day.
She should come visit you…goes both ways…if she wants to be in their lives and yours she can make an effort to be there.
Nope.
Tell her no to her house and why, and that if she wants to see the kids, she can go out of her way.
Is your husband on board with you or is he torn?
If he’s on board with you, tell her.
I would be very straight up with her and call out how her comments make you feel. I’d put in bullet points all the facts and respectfully tell her LOOK. This is a HER problem not a YOU problem.
Maybe she has mental illness, it sounds like it. But I’m not excusing her.She is so wrong to bad mouth you and your husband should set her straight.you sound like you take the high road,good for you.be proud of the good momma you are.she is missing out on so much,but it is her fault. I hope she sees that before its too late.
Sounds like an easy solution if she never calls you…just stop calling her.
My last salary was $ 16915 for working 22 hours a week online. My sister’s friend now has an average of 16,000 a month and works about 20 hours a week. I couldn’t believe how easy it was when I tried.
Check This >>>> https://basicforall20.netlify.app/
Grow thicker skin and let it roll off your back. With your kids having health issues u can’t expose them to the animals and worse. U have tried your best, now the balls in her c
No thank you. Block. You don’t need that bullshit.
Ask her for specific examples of what she is talking about, then provide her with your specific examples.
Why not explain how it’d be nice to see more of her and ask how she used to manage going to see hard to please relatives what she was so busy being such a terrific mother?..
Or tell her she’s a needy, narcissistic unhappy old goat who doesn’t sound like she’s happy anywhere from the sounds of it and regularly turns down offers of visits etc
Just be straight with her
I think you know what to do already. I’d do what is best for your husband and children…her actions or less of speak volumes…God Bless
The phone works both ways! She can’t complain about it because she makes no effort to be apart of their lives. She is a sympathy vampire, and apparently that’s the only way she gets it. I would tell her the ball is in HER court if she wants to have something to do with her grandkids she can make the effort to. Don’t bend yourself backwards for her, if she wants a relationship she will come around.
Stop calling her.
Go on with your life.
If she asks why she doesn’t see you or talk to you….
“The road works both ways. You can come here any time. We invite you to events you don’t come. We try our best. It’s up to you to make an effort.”
You say everything you just typed to her
Sounds like we have the same MIL (aside from the living arrangements that is). I cut her off. I don’t stand in the way of my husband or children having a relationship with her. That’s their choice. But she no longer has access to me. And I will never allow her access to my children again without one of us present cause she doesn’t know how to act. My life is infinitely better now. Cut her off. She’s toxic and isn’t going to change.
Tell her she has to make the effort to come see you and tell her to stop with the comments that’s all
At this point I would just ignore her to be honest. You have done all you can do. Don’t put time and energy into this. The most i would do is send her a picture of the calendar and tell her she is welcome to join and leave it at that
My last salary was $ 16915 for working 22 hours a week online. My sister’s friend now has an average of 16,000 a month and works about 20 hours a week. I couldn’t believe how easy it was when I tried.
Check This >>>> https://basicforall25.netlify.app/
No one bad mouths my hubby without me telling them off. No excuse
Be Strong your a Mother and a Wife too.
Just tell her that unfortunately I have obligations just as you, and you are welcome to call or visit anytime. However I would appreciate if you could be more civilized and stop causing my family further stress and unnecessary grief. I appreciate your concern but my husband and I are only human, unfortunately we are not as free of time as you are and don’t have the means or energy to cause strife in the family. Or come straight to the point pick up the damn phone call her and tell her to stop being an Asshole!
Ignore her. Carry on with your own life. Some people you just can’t please
How could u even go there for Thanksgiving? Does she have other kids? Is she a clean person? Can y’all help her get better place? Could she live with y’all?
You’re doing everything right. Screw her. Ignore her remarks and good luck
It’s your MIL. Your husband needs to sort this out.
l am maklng these days easlly m0re than $500 per day f0r d0lng w0rk 0nllne. l g0t my 3rd payment last m0nth 0f $16765. l was surprlsed when 0ne 0f my cl0se frlend t0ld me she was maklng $17463 per m0nth but n0w l see h0w lt w0rks.
Check This >>>> https://basicforall29.netlify.app/
Well, since she refuses to participate in any of the family events to which you invite her, just stop inviting her or communicating in any way. Ignore her completely!
Tell her straight out! “We have 3 children, one in high school and two with complicated health conditions. All three have their activities they participate in, plus school & friends.” They’re busy! You’re all busy. You’ll see them on holidays.
Stop giving this woman your energy you’re making yourself miserable over nothing that matters
Some people will always play the victim, no matter the situation.
It sounds like you’ve done more than enough to include her. Not sure what her issue is, but at this point I would simply send her a picture of your calendar in response to her nagging/guilt trips along with a text with your address (because I’m petty that way) and tell her if she put in the effort she expected from everyone else, she’d have a lot more opportunity with her grandkids.
Sorry you’re dealing with that, she sounds beyond exhausting!
I would just ignore her. She doesn’t want to put in the effort and expects you to do everything. Just limit contact if she continues to bother you about it and ignore what she says.
I think there is a mil virus going around because that’s all that has been on all the post almost
Pray God will open her heart 
You have invited her to your home, invited her out to lunch and to your children’s events and she doesn’t show. She only wants you when she wants you. I would NOT go out of my way for her. She is self absorbed and doesn’t care about anyone else but herself. I wouldn’t bring myself or my kids to a house that is unsanitary. Just keep offering to pick her up to go out. At least you are asking. She can’t say you are not trying
Tell her the truth or show her this post and all of our comments!
Sometimes you have to distance yourself from the people that are negative… love them from a distance!! In your case you need to bc with all you have going on in you & your kids life you really don’t have time for that all it will do is bring you down in the end. Good luck!!
Stop navigating- And for god sakes don’t let your kids inside that house she lives in . Unless you’d like to spend more time in the hospital. Just quit asking her to visit- phone works both ways. Tell her that and tell her the ball is in her court.
l am earnlng every slngle day m0re than 500 D0llars fr0m h0me by w0rk 0nllne. Yesterday l g0t my 4th payment 0f prevl0us m0nth 0f $16540. l was surprlsed when 0ne 0f my cl0se frlend t0ld me she was maklng $16735 per m0nth but n0w l see h0w lt w0rks.
lnf0 Here >>> https://basicforall35.netlify.app/
I agree with sending her a copy of your calendar, not that it’s any of her business, and remind her your oldest works and sees his dad, two have health conditions and probably shouldn’t spend a lot of time around animals, and they all have stuff to do. Tell her you’ve invited her over, offered to come get her for holidays and lunches… she needs to meet you halfway.
With all of that you said about her, I would absolutely ignore every single word that she says to you… I would make no effort on that one. You’re not doing anything wrong.
Tell her it goes both ways!
Sometimes it is called “God is keeping her away from you for a reason”…HER.
I think she would only disappoint and hurt your kids with promises of seeing them and canceling.
You can’t make her care and you can’t make her nice.
You have enough on your hands without having to deal with a needy, whiny mil. I wouldn’t even bother. Besides who would want to go to her stinky house anyway especially to eat….oh no, not me ever!! Don’t let yourself get cornered and let her know that you’ve tried to include her and she always declines so you’re not asking anymore. As far as her shaming you, I’d be the first one to be honest and say I don’t go to your house because it’s dirty and stinks and that’s not my thing. Honesty may cut to the quick sometimes but sometimes you just have to inflict that cut.
i dont call my daughters or their families because they are so busy with jobs home kids etc which i understand so i wait for them to call me , only 1 adult grandson calls me because as he says " he likes to hear the sound of my voice" he understands why i dont call and say he appreciates my understanding let your MIL know just how you feel and say if and when she wants to come see y’all you will pick her up but if she cancels at the last minute without an excellent excuse then she will have to be the one to come to y’all and with your childrens medical issues they dont need to be around a urine soaked house
Some grandparents are not needed in children lives… 
…
Keep repeating the door swings both ways…
l am easlly earnlng extra $500 0r even m0re by w0rklng easy 0nllne j0b fr0m h0me. l was surprlsed when 0ne 0f my cl0se frlend t0ld me she was maklng $18654 per m0nth but n0w l see h0w lt w0rks.
lnf0 Here >>> https://frolicking-bombolone-e7494f.netlify.app/
Just block her!! She won’t give an inch as much as you have tried!! Enough is enough!
Next time she says something tell her things work both ways and she hasn’t made any efforts either.
I wouldn’t worry about her life, and wish her the best. Sounds like your husband moved out in the nick of time.She chose her lifestyle and you chose yours
IGNORE the hell out of Her.
l have earned $ 16843 by doing work onllne. Best opportunlty for anyone to get pald every week for just worklng onllne ln part tlme. Currently l am earnlng more than 15000 Dollars every month.
lnfo Here >>> https://regal-jalebi-1a2b62.netlify.app/
If she’s not also putting in the effort I would call her out on that. 
Love your mothers they will be gone some day. Dont be selfish.
lm so pleased l had the best one in the world love and miss her so much
Why do you bother?
You’ve made offers open ended & now it’s on her.
Have you tried just not engaging? Why waste your energy on someone who doesn’t care or put out effort?
in Last month i have recelved $ 17543 by doing work on my mobile. l never thought l’d be able to do lt but my buddy makes over $ 1741o a month dolng thls and she convlnced me to try. The posslblllty wlth thls ls endless.
For Details >>>> https://resonant-faun-97edd2.netlify.app/
The fact is the more she whines the less you react favorably you’ll react. All you can do is lay the facts down. I’ll make the effort but you have to meet me part way.
Stop trying. You put the effort and she doesn’t follow through. Only reason she’s lashing out/blaming you both is because she doesn’t have any ground to stand on. People who actually love you and care especially with grandchildren will go out of their way to see them.
Stop letting her get to you. She’s not a good grandma. She should just admit her own mistakes and stop putting blame on you.
My last paycheck was $ 16815 working 19 hours a week online. My sisters friend has been averaging 16k for months now and she works about 2o hours a week. I can’t believe how easy it was once I tried it out.
Check This >>>> https://fluffy-arithmetic-96b418.netlify.app/
The bad smell is not something children with health issues need to be have to endure. Grandma won’t leave her pets. Maybe FaceTime or zoom. That’s about it.
stop asking and leave her out when she makes comments stand up SPEAK UR MIND if she dont like it then the heck with it. Its her problem tell her u invite she cancels it her fault
She thinks she is such a great mom, ask her to baby sit for you!
You have a good heart, but you can’t say anything to someone who is too comfortable in their ways…your MIL will not change her lifestyle or ways,. You’ve done all that you can, now put her aside and concentrate on you and your family.