My mother-in-law has my 2 yr old over a few times a month, and we go over weekly to have dinner, and my MIL is very close to my daughter. She’s our second child. And it always seems as though every time she comes home, or even any time, my MIL has something to say about her. She recently wanted to start sleeping in her room, and I let her, and she’s doing very good besides the occasional I don’t want to go to sleep I don’t want to sleep in here, but then after a few minutes, she falls asleep and then she will ask me questions like oh is she sleeping by herself? What if she hits her head on the side of the bed? Do you let her sleep with y’all if she’s asking you to? And she will always revert to asking me what I did with my oldest daughter. Like if I made her sleep in her own room too. My oldest is not from my now fiancé and is she’s 7. I did do things a lot differently with my first, and I realized keeping them in my bed wasn’t really helping with being scared of everything, so when they asked to sleep in their rooms, I was scared for them, but I’ve stuck to it, and they are doing really well. I just don’t know how to deal with all the questions. It’s like if I’m always doing something wrong, so I constantly question myself. And also, she brought her back from staying the night and she said that my daughter told them that we are mean and that we spank her really hard and that she doesn’t want to come home n wants to stay with her. And I will admit yes, we believe in spanking no, not all the time, and yes, here I make her clean up after herself, but she is extremely stubborn, so I do put her in time out and spank her from time to time. I guess what I’m asking is how do you deal with that? I always feel like I’m doing everything wrong as a parent, and obviously, I can’t keep my 2 yr old from saying everything, but it seems like even though I know what I’m doing and I’m not hurting my children, I can’t help but feel like they think that I am and they’ll try to use it against me somehow, and also I can’t get it out of my head, and I feel like I’m mentally breaking myself down.
Honestly, even if you bring it up with her, she will most likely say that she was just asking questions and they weren’t to make you mad. She won’t admit she’s asking these specific questions to make you feel you’re a bad mother.
You need to talk to your husband about this. Even if he doesn’t understand at first, he needs to pay attention to what his mom is saying. Maybe he will see and stand up for you.
Also, it this were me, I would be saying something back like “where my daughter sleeps is none of your business” or “what I did with my oldest has no relevance to how I’m raising my youngest now”. She won’t stop unless you stand your ground and show her you won’t stand for her attitude.
It’s your child. She can question all she wants but at the end of each day it’s your decision. I’d get fed up and eventually tell her off cause there is no reason for your mil to say those things. Just keep doing you and don’t let her make you feel bad.
The claim that your child told her that you’re so mean and spank her hard and she wants to stay there is a HUGE RED FLAG. Do not take that lightly. I honestly would not be surprised if she tries to file for custody or calls CPS. Even though corporal punishment is legal they do still remove children for that reason. I have sat in court and watched them beg a judge to terminate parents’ rights for spanking. If that were me, I would never let her take my child again.
Honestly, let her know the choices you and her dad make are your decisions to make and to be respected. If not the visits won’t happen. Your child should not be interrogated and she seems like the type who wants to stir the pot and make you feel some type of way by her saying she wants to stay w her.
If she’s questioning you that much she’s probably questioning the child I just wouldn’t let her go there anymore by herself
There need to be boundaries and you need to stand up for yourself. You’re the mother. Maybe cut back on the visits for a while. If she asks explain exactly how you feel and tell her if she can’t respect you as the mother then she will have to take a step back.
You’re being too nice, Grandma needs to know her place. Your child your rules. I did the spanking and my daughter is 8 now and when I talk she listens.
First, the next time she started asking me questions, I personally, would tell her that what goes on in my home is none of her business.
Second, I would explain to her that I feel she is merely gathering information to judge and criticize me.
Lastly, at this point whatever her response is wouldn’t matter to me. I would lay out clear boundaries. She would no longer be keeping my child alone, until she could learn to respect my parenting choices, my family, and my boundaries.
There is no ifs, ands, or buts here for me. This is how it would be and that’s final. She raised her children, now she needs to let you raise yours. She doesn’t get to dictate how that is done. Furthermore, she doesn’t get to interrogate my child just to find faults in me because she’s petty as hell.
My MIL tried to turn our oldest against us…calling us crap parents to our own kid, telling her we abuse her by spanking or grounding her,etc… saying we don’t love her…only love her sister. Put an end to that. MIL no longer lives with us and is not allowed around our daughter except for holidays or birthdays when we can watch and monitor what she says to our kid. May have to do the same
There is so much wrong with this post. But Your MIL is overstepping. And I pray that she is badgering your kid and exaggerating and its not a 2 year old that is really scared.
One simple question is her son perfect, if not tell her your doing fine
Parent how you feel you should parent. No one else has to live with your kid but you. Having said that, as far as spanking, I’m of the opinion that if it works as a behavior deterrent, you should only have to employ it a few times and then just need to threaten it there after. If that’s not the case, and the behavior repeats, and the threat of spanking isn’t enough of a deterrent, then it becomes unnecessarily abusive. It’s not working to change the behavior, and like with any punishment that doesn’t work, it means you need to get more creative. Spanking is easy. Strategizing is harder, but when you find the proper motivator, it’s a real game changer. I say this as someone who took that journey with my own child.
Good luck to you all.
i have an extremely toxic mil that questions and flips everything and have an 18 month old. I extremely limit their time together and i grey rock her ass. What happens outside of your house is none of your business and quite honestly i do not talk to her unless its 1000% nessary. When we are in the same room she gets 0 info from me about anything unless its immediate care for my daughter anything else is no comment or idk or not your concern cuz she does the same questions and flips life around and has almost caused us to divorce several times. Sever boundaries have been the best for my mental health and how i feel as a human tbh she’s my main reason for not wanting anymore
Believe in yourself everything will work out in the end. Stop second guessing yourself
When you hit your child (yes, spanking is hitting) you can’t expect them to want to be around you. There are 56 other countries that have banned spanking children for good reason!
I always overstep with my two daughters about my grandchildren. I don’t mean to but I just feel like they are my daughters and my grandchildren so I have that right. Lol half the time they ignore me or don’t listen anyways but I feel I’m older I had them I’ve been where they are and I speak my opinions often. And after all she is grandma and of course the child will say anything to get grandparents on their side or baby them. They learn that at a young age. I say just ignore it but you have to do what you feel as a parent.
She’s not stubborn, she’s 2
You are being too nice. You and hubby need to set boundaries. My husband and I have recently gone through this. You can always step back politely and descreetly without it being an argument. Eventually the point comes across. When it starts to affect your mental health, your marriage and your happiness, then it’s time to go. 
Good luck.
I wonder why resort to spanking a 2 year old? She is to young and should be shown the right thing to do. Get down on her level and speak to her and use a time out. No wonder she tells Grandma. Spanking is teaching violence and she is awful young for it to begin with.
You are doing fine. Tell your mother in law to knock it out or you girl stay home!
Stop spanking!!! You’re teaching your kid to hit. Sounds like some of you in your family would benefit from a parenting class.
She’s YOUR kid and your mother in law needs to RESPECT that. I used to let my son go over to my cousins house where they didn’t follow my rules and my boundaries and now I have a 4 year old who doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t follow my rules, doesn’t respect my boundaries, hits animals because they allowed it, and has it drilled into his head that if he acts badly he’s going back even though he hasn’t seen them since September. Nip this in the butt now or you’re going to have some major issues. If that means your daughter can no longer go over there then so be it. No one has the right to disrespect you and your parenting. She can either get on board or not have her anymore. Stuff like this is what can cause ODD from what I’ve been told by my child therapist that I have for my son and my pediatrician. Good luck.
She is two. How can she be stubborn!
Spanking is absolutely wrong. You’re hitting a baby. A child?
So wrong to hit a 2 year old I don’t agree with that at all they don’t understand things the way we do and to hit them for it is horrible she’s a baby there is so many other ways to teach a child right from wrong and I’m sorry but hitting is wrong
I would suggest looking into some redirecting methods, having lots of patience, and knowing when you both need a break. Two is a hard age, they don’t call them the terrible twos for nothing. This is the age where they begin to test the limitations of your boundaries and patience. While I’m not against a whooping, I don’t know if your audience is old enough to understand actions vs consequences. Either way, you and your spouse need to be unified, and consistent with both your toddler and MIL.
I’m obviously u are hurting ur children if one is telling grandma ur spanking is…HURTING HER:woozy_face:
She goes to grandma’s and gets spoiled and can do what she wants, of cause shes gonna want to stay. When it comes to the mil asking if your child sleeps with you. Keep it calm and nonchalant and Say sometimes she does and sometimes she dont…they grow up so fast and I dont want to miss a minute with my children. If it gets out of hand let your husband deal with his mother.
She was asking about her mother in law not if any of you approve of a spanking .
Spanking is LAZY parenting. Look up childhood developmental levels. She’s 2. I have a 2 year old. They’re babies. They’re wired for connection and learning. They’re just now learning what emotions are and spanking a baby for not understanding how to regulate their behavior doesn’t teach them anything but fear and shame. Seriously so sad 
Listen to your MIL’s concerns and get over your ego. Sounds like her concerns are legitimate.
Spanking a 2 year old? She’s a baby. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did tell your MIL that she was scared to come home. My son is 11 and I have never ever thought about hitting him let alone when he’s still in nappies. There is absolutely no reason to spank any child its an outdated method. I was spanked a few times as a child and it terrified me.
Why are you spanking a 2 yr old?
Some people here are way too judgmental
Hey this mother told all and sundry that she spanks a 2 yr old. If she does not want the judgement perhaps she should not have posted this.
I apologize for all of the judge mental perfect parents in the comment section. I personally would not let my child go back to her house. I am willing to bet that she ask your child probing questions to be nosy. And to me that’s sickening and disrespectful. You go with your gut feeling and stand your ground and make sure she understands you’re setting boundaries. That’s your child, not hers. End of story. She can either respect that, or she can not be present in that child’s life. Two is a crucial age for their mental development. So having a toxic grandparent who says only god knows what to your child when you’re not around, is affecting your child’s mental health at the age of two. Just let that sink in mama. Go with that gut feeling.
Ouch! My heart aches just reading this…
Consider that the MIL is ‘well intended’. And assuming that she is well intended, consider that she is an actual mother and has made her fair share of mistakes. Which just might allow her to see things in a way that parents who are in the thick of it aren’t able to see in the season they’re in. Consider that her soul aches for a child (a baby) that is apart of her but she is powerless to help or protect. It’s possible that her main objective is to help create a feeling of safety for her grand baby and prevent the babies parents from having huge regrets later. It’s possible that she is doing her best to express her deep love for her family, including her DIL. I am a mother, I’ve dealt with MIL’s, and I am one now. Q’s aren’t a bad thing, they created a space of communication, cohesion, dialog, safety, and trust. No healthy person that you trust your child with would genuinely want to see her DIL fail as a mother. In fact, those Q’s are quite possibly just the opposite. And if she is a mother who never had a daughter she’s learning to speak a new language. For me, I always looked at my boys grandparents as actual “grand-parents”. They are my children’s parents and my child was their child. If they weren’t going to love them as their own then what is the point. Our husbands ‘should’ have our back, but we as wives have a responsibility to not force preventable wounds on relationships.
You need to get a therapist.
- To help you grow up and find your backbone.
- to teach you that Competent adults don’t HIT small children.
I can’t help but feel sorry for your 2 year old little girl 
I understand why she wants to stay with her grandma if she’s being smacked, can you blame her? 
Would anyone, an adult or a child want to stay somewhere where they’re being hurt? Why would an adult feel the need to hurt someone who’s vulnerable and defenceless? There’s so many resources online for parents to learn how to discipline children without hitting them 
Simply getting down to their level and making eye contact while explaining what they’ve done wrong and giving them a warning is a great start before resorting to smacking. I always think when a parent hits a child it’s because they have lost control. However I do agree your mother in law is overstepping the boundaries questioning you allowing your child to sleep in her own room, that’s completely your decision.
I think no matter how you parent others will have an opinion. I practice gently parenting which has caused others to think I’m “spoiling” my girls!
In my culture spanking is normal but as someone on the receiving end, it’s a no for us. I stand in my power as their mom and shut down anyone who oversteps. Time for a calm adult conversation with MIL.
Tell her to mind her business. She is the grandma not the parent. Unfortunately some grandparents need to learn their place and there’s no nice way about it.
Your child your choice. Your child your rules. If child is staying over at MIL child should go by MIL rules except on things like diet for example.
Also, how you discipline your children is your business as long as you are not abusing the children. And a good parent knows the difference and will stand her ground about her choices. If you ask my 6 year old I have beat her half to death before and drug her down a dirt road. NOTE; child has NOT had anything but a spanking and she hadn’t had many of them. Probably needs more but I don’t spank unless major offense takes place. The biggest issue with spanking is it should NEVER be done when parent is angry at the child.
Now as for all these 
wanna complain about you spanking YOUR child tell them to blow off. That will be practice for when you tell MIL to take a hike.
Your child. Not hers. Tell her to butt the fuck out.
Tell her that you will raise your child the way you see fit and she needs to stop the 20 questions. Tell her to mind her own business
You are the parent and in control.she needs to umderstand the boundaries and you need to make it clear to her.
Sounds like she has anxiety which I get. Sounds like she is just telling you what your child says and isn’t being judgy. I think you may be taking it the wrong way
If it continues,i would stop her visits until she understands.and she doesnt need to be saying things to your daughter when shes old about you then you will have more issues.
I would stop visits with out you guys present and I would shut down the questions. It sounds like she is manipulating some of those “responses” from your daughter. Also she shouldn’t be grilling your child period
My mother was the same way . turned very toxic . Your mom and what you do is what you do. If you don’t want to answer her questions then don’t . If MIL doesn’t like it I say limit interactions with her when your babygirl is and isn’t with her .
Stop answering her questions. It’s your kid, you don’t have to consult with her about YOUR decisions about YOUR child. It’s important to let your children have a relationship with their relatives but you need boundaries because your MIL is overstepping big time and it sounds like she’s undermining you to your face and in front of your daughter and if she’s willing to do that what is she willing to say or do when you’re not there? It sounds like she has no respect for you. You need to make some changes
My MIL and SIL are the same way. They have something to say and give their opinion on EVERYTHINGGG. I know they mean well but at the end of the day it all comes down to boundaries. If you don’t tell her it’s making you uncomfortable she won’t stop. Have a polite conversation and let her know the questions she has bother you and ask her to respect your parenting choices. Get your man on the same page, if he’s a mamas boy like my husband they tend to let their moms push too far—-it helps to have him back you up and stand up for you. Yeah, it’s cool to have a close relationship and everyone get along but if you’re mental health is suffering the visits can be stopped real quick. Respect isn’t a hard thing.
You’re mama. She’s not.
You know what’s best for your child, not her. Because again, she’s not your child’s mother!
Stand your ground & tell her to buzz off.
Of course boundaries for mom should be set. That said, the bigger issue that the child is observing is mommy sleeping with a man in the home outside of marriage. This should be the first thing that is corrected. Proverbs 22:6 train up a child in the way they should go so when they are older they will not depart from it.
I say this as a sinner only saved by the blood of Christ and one who made this mistake. Be that example for your daughter!
She raised her child/children the way she saw fit so you should do the same. Simple communication, if all the questions make you feel judged or uncomfortable point that out to her so that it stops.
Whilst everyone has an opinion (it seems) you do not have to accept any of it. Takes the bit which work and ignore the rest. She’s your child, you need to stand your ground and tell MIL to butt out.
Your child, your rules. Kids get away with more with their grandparents, and they know it, even at age 2. If she can’t respect your parenting decisions and you as their mother, she doesn’t need to have them over anymore.
Anytime she asks anything she doesn’t need to know just ssay something like “partner and myself have discussed this and made the best choice for our family” and then refuse to engage. I went through similar with particular family members and it makes parenting so much harder feeling like uoure always being watched and judged. But just remember she wasn’t q perfect parent either and her opinions are just opinions.
Personally I dont agree with spanking either but not my kid not my choice. And I think you’re doing great with the sleep thing and sounds like a normal 2 year old to me (mines 2.5 and similar)
We wouldn’t put her in time out or spank her for that as all that is small stuff and other alternatives would work better with that than spanking her for small stuff would,however it is your child and everybody parents different and there’s no right or wrong to parenting but also just because you spank her doesn’t mean you have to spank her that hard just like you dont have to spank her for little stuff that other alternatives would work like helping her pick up whatever,and putting her in time out instead,etc. Our daughter will only be spanked when its absolute last resort and after we tried alternatives more than a couple times after trying them after a couple of times but thats the only way she will be spanked. She will be raised with respect,morales,and values but spanking isn’t the only way to teach that or to teach discipline as theres other alternatives to use. spanking will be the absolute last resort we use as a punishment or discipline and only used if anything/everything else doesn’t work before hand but shes your kid and everybody parents different,if you feel you need to spank her hard for small things instead than thats you and you parent your own way like everybody does but we only believe in spanking and not hard as only a very absolute last resort.
Begin by starting boundaries with the MIL. If she asks you anything don’t answer it. Just say we are happy and that is what matters. You can also remind her that you value her and you want to continue to maintain a relationship with her the best way by not stressing “HER” out ( but it’s really you )
Good luck I think she probably has anxiety and lots of it . MIL can be a blessing if you’re lucky. I think you will be lucky. GOOD LUCK
I read the first sentence and didnt have to read anymore than that. This is your child. Put your foot down right away and tell her “this is my child. Not yours. You raised yours already. Let me raise mine the way I want to raise him/her. You can give me friendly parenting advice and I will take it into consideration but whatever I feel is right, I will do it. Regardless if its your idea or not.” It may or may not piss her off but oh fucking well. YOU ARE THE MOTHER, NOT HER. Make it known.
No more visits with mil. You are the mother and if she can’t follows the guidelines, she doesn’t visit.
Raise your children not your mother in law
Spanking a 2 year old for…being a 2 year old; yeah no thanks.
It’s very easy to get a toddler to clean up; turn it into a game, no need for physical violence.
Your child not hers. Parent how you see fit. If it continues cut the toxic people out of your life. It makes a world of difference
Who made your mother in law feel this way? So who is she to make you feel this way? Ignore her and just do you. Your kid your rules and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Maybe try doing something different but on your own terms and time not because you feel pressured by a mother in law. You gotta have thick skin and trust that you love your child more than anyone else could and stick with what you believe to be right
Off topic…you spank a TWO year old??? Please speak to family services or somewhere they can give you information about that. Very negative consequences at spanking that young!!!
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I would say y’all need to tie the knot already because your feeling so vulnerable. Otherwise lots of MIL think they know everything. I just nod my head and go on about my business.
Ask your mother in law if she’s familiar with the MYODB parenting method. (Mind Your Own Damn Business)
Just smile and say I’ll think about it. She will never stop unless her son tells her to.
You spank your 2 year old child 
not on at all. You don’t need to be violent or hurt your child in order for her to behave or do what you want her to do. Plus she’s 2… 
Tell her you and your husband are the parents not her it’s y’all’s business not hers what happens at y’all’s house
Sounds like the mil is concerned for her grandchildrens wellbeing. I’d certainly ask questions if a child was crying to me saying their parent hurts them and they don’t want to leave me. All of you people like “mind your business”, this child’s speaking up and you’re explaining it away, saying it’s not for us to judge. Then who helps the most vulnerable if we’re all to disregard abuse?
2 year olds don’t just say those things in my experience. It sounds more like she is being questioned. And that I wouldn’t trust. Sounds like your mil is manipulative and I probably wouldn’t let my kid spend so much time alone there. Also when she is asking you questions just say things like “ thanks but we’ve got this covered.” Or “it’s none of your business” some people just can’t mind their own business and are constantly over stepping and it’s annoying.
Maybe the MIL asks questions in response to what your little one is saying. Kids tend to lean towards the most lenient of the adults in my experience. Only my opinion, but I think “time out” is a more appropriate punishment than spanking.
Good luck to you!
It would just tell her she’s doing fine and you’ll Raise her how you see fit.
Although your child going to her and telling her that, it’s pretty common for any adult to be worried when a 2 year old says mommy and daddy are mean and hurt me…
Just my opinion maybe you should talk to your daughter and maybe try another method that won’t concern other adults. Just cause it could lead to someone investigating
I’m literally having the same issues except worse I’m sorry your going through this and you should stick up for yourself and let her know you are a good mother who takes care of your kids and that’s all that matters. I don’t say anything because when I do I just get really rude so it’s either ruin my relationship with my husband or continue to let my mil tear me down. I hate it so much so I keep trying to tell my husband to get our own place but he’s an extreme mommy’s boy.
It sounds like your MIL is asking your younger one questions to be nebby. Your the parent NOT HER, MIL doesn’t need to know everything you do with your kid(s). You can always put a baby camera/monitor in their room to keep an eye on them through out the night, their is no need to sleep in their bed FYI: ( plus you don’t want to start that, hard habit to break for both) you raise your kids on how YOU want, don’t let MIL make you feel bad or that your doing something wrong!! As for disciplining your child have them sit " in time out" set a timer, young kids can’t and wont sit long, but that is ok.
Just remember your little one is only 2. So of course she will get things wrong, you have had many years of learning. I have had five kids, all grown, I never spanked them but did use other forms of correction, like s growly voice or eye to eye contact when telling them when they have made a mistake, and showing them what they should have done. A 2 year old has only been on this earth a very short time. And most of that as a baby, and in many ways is still too young to process what is right and wrong ,…yet. keep loving your little one, just don’t expect them to be more mature than they are.
You are the parent, you make the rules. Maybe remind her you are living with the child she raised and he still needs work. 
Children don’t come with a handbook what worked for one child doesn’t work for the next there’s nothing wrong with her sleeping by herself it should have been that way from the beginning don’t believe in kids being in bed with the parents that’s your time alone. My mother-in-law would always comment about the way I was raising the grandkids but I didn’t worry about it because she would never watch them told me never to ask her to babysit because she raised her kids so I have to raise mine
I’m 52 with 3 grown children 36, 20 & 18. My father STILL thinks I need to cater to the boys. Daughter is married. When he starts talking about the boys, I stop speaking and ignore him. This happened when my daughter was young as well. Everything I did and do is not right.
I feel you. It’s very exhausting! Does your fiance say anything to her? He needs to have a conversation with her.
You do what is best for you and YOUR family. Screw what she thinks…I’ve been here…don’t let them make you question yourself, it will give you the worst anxiety.
Stay strong and I agree, document everything…people are 
2 year olds don’t just talk about stuff like that out of the blue. I think your mil is asking her questions and leading her to say things. Next time she stays you should pick her up instead of having your mil bring her so you can see if she wants to leave with you or stay. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with children sleeping in their own bed 
Where is your partner/mil’s son in this…he needs to be dealing with them, not you!..said as a mother of only sons/ a daughter in law!!!
Sounds like you have allowed 3 people to parent your child. Sorry if it sounds hard, but Grandparents are Grandparents not a 3rd parent and why are you sending child there that often, to have a break or for the relationship and is your eldest going to or is she left out? Think you need to remind the Grandmother that that’s what she is a Grandmother not a shared care parent.
I think your seeing them to much that she thinks she has the right just find an excuse to cut down the days. Be confident you are the Mum if you think things are going well stick with it.
Sounds to me like they’re picking her,what I mean is asking questions and being nosey, I had the same problem. I told them if they didn’t stop with the bs I wouldn’t let her go over there anymore, they would have to come to my house if they wanted to spend time with her. You’re not doing anything wrong dont 2nd guess yourself. You and you alone are her mother what you say goes. They may not agree or like it but if they love her like they say they do then they will stop. I ended up not letting my daughter go anymore until she was actually old enough to taddle.lol that stopped it all.
Ask her what she did w her kids and if it worked out
Ask her to ease off with the 20 questions routine! (while you’re smiling) You do it your way. Don’t let her come between you and your child.
You’ve already kept one kid alive,so you can’t be messing up anything. Blow granny off, it’s not her business.
That is your child what you say goes…
Tell her to mind her own business.
Dont worry about what they say they dont have to live with themparent the way u want to
Spanking a 2 year old?
Just ignore others opinions and do what works for you. . Everyone parents different. 
Tell her to fuck off ! Simple ass that
Set boundaries now. Start documenting everything, especially if MIL is petty. Don’t let the old bat ruin your psyche.
That is a conversation your husband needs to have with his nosey ass mother. I am a grandma too and I would never question my daughter’s parenting skills unless I suspected real abuse.
Remind your mil she raised your husband so if she trusts herself AT ALL to pipe down and let you two parent your own kids. I’d likely have my kid spend far less time with such a toxic creature as well… But that’s just me 
Thats not right she wouldn’t be asking those questions if something wasn’t going on!!