Leave your husband…
He is being unreasonable
9 Likes
7 months? Yeah I can definitely understand why the husband would be pissed. That’s ridiculous, also is brother putting any money towards bills,food etc during this 7 months? If not do you work outside of the home? Is it a 50/50? If so then yes you have equal say if not why should your husband break his back to take care of another full grown man… one of which either of you barely know. I’d tell brother he has 60 day’s… and thats still being too nice
Would it be realistic to acquire a travel trailer or RV for your brother and park it on your property? You shouldn’t have to give up your brother to please your husband. I’m sorry your hubby is acting like that
2 Likes
What exactly is he upset about it all? Is he maybe jealous or insecure about this new found relationship? I’m sure you have changed someway through it all so I’m wondering if he is being insecure about it all and maybe not spending as much time with him and his kids as before. Maybe find out what exactly is bothering him so much about it. He needs to understand that there is enough of you to go around and it may seem like you are not there as much for him you are building a relationship from the lost 35 years you didn’t get. He also needs to understand that relationships are 2 people working together not one always getting their needs met and this is a need you need to get in this situation. It doesn’t sound like he is being as supportive of you as you have for him. Communicate and try not to fight about it just talk and listen and he needs to do the same.
4 Likes
Theres a lot to consider…if brother helping financially with the bills? Is husband providing all financial support to the family? Do you work too? Is husband normally okay with long term guests, do you frequently have company? Personally speaking im not comfortable with people (besides spouse/kids) in my space for anything longer than 2 days…when that person/guest is family, someone i like and care about…
Wow, that’s a mind blower to discover you were adopted. I hope you were left with fond memories growing up. As far as your husband he does sound a little insecure but this is a grown man you didn’t know was your brother until recently. Do you know his background? Your children’s safety should be your first concern. As far as taking 7 months total to find a place, are you and your husband able to lend him money to get his own place? There are government funded organizations that will also help him pay his deposit and first months rent. Has he found a job yet? Is he actively looking? You could set up a one or two day out of the week visit with him to come over your home. Anyhow, not every spouse will be comfortable in that type of situation. Hope all turns out well.
It all depends on is your brother helping with bills and food or is your husband the only one providing these things? If you’re husband is the only person paying these things I don’t blame him 1 bit with it being 7 months.And you should understand why should he be working to provide for his family to only have a grown man not doing his job. It’s unfair for you to think you’re husband should take care of your brother. But if your brother is helping then you 2 need to have a plan on when your brother needs to move. It’s hard to give you more advice when we have so little information.
8 Likes
Maybe your husband is jealous
2 Likes
Sounds like a conversation should have happened BEFORE brother moved in. Did he agree and now has a problem? Did you move your brother in without having a conversation about it with your husband? If so I would have a problem too. Having a new person move in is stressful on a marriage. Is he working? Are you working? Alot of unanswered questions.
9 Likes
You are letting a stranger to live in your house for free for 7 months??? That’s not right, a person who’s living for free having a job can perfectly fine save enough money in 2 months to get his own place, second, you can’t compare yourself being a stepmother to his kids (that you know for 10 years since you met him) to a 35 years old man who just appear in your life. Personally, I wouldn’t let any stranger to live in my house and sleep close to my kids it doesn’t matter who he/she is.
WHY have YOU been the one giving & sacrificing in this whole marriage? If you’ve always been the one sacrificing & giving, then that’s the dynamic you’ve set up, & the one your husband expects, or it’s not in your husband to give
1 Like
Everything you said here needs to be said to him in a conversation.
4 Likes
I understand you’re happy. Buuuuttttt this is still a stranger living with your children! No way.
10 Likes
I personally wouldn’t trust a stranger in my house with my children. Brother or not, you don’t know him.
1 Like
With all the new things you’re finding out about your life like being adopted and all you better hope this guy is even really a relative or what not. Idk.
You said you found that you have 3 more brothers and a sister. Is there any reason that this brother wouldn’t be able to stay with one of the other siblings, since it is causing an issue in your household?
4 Likes
“I’m the happiest I’ve ever been”. Your happiness is lovely and deserved . But happier than you’ve been with your husband and the family he came with?
There is a lot going on. Forget the financial sidetracks, why he’s there for 7 months etc which just gives you all an excuse to avoid talking about what is really going on.
You need a way to talk, to calm the fears.
1 Like
Your husband is forever. Y’all are married, your house should be your sanctuary. I wouldn’t want a house guest either.
5 Likes
Love both the best you can and don’t rock any boats…he will live.
The amount of people saying to leave the husband (basically over a stranger) is absolutely scary, I feel sorry for each and every one of you. if it was the other way around I bet less than a 3rd would be saying the same thing…that being said
A.thats a (basically)stranger living in your house with your children
B. I hope he is paying some type of rent because your husband shouldn’t have to support a grown man
C.having people live with you never works
7 Likes
He needs to understand how you feel and what it means to you. Keep talking about it and also understand his point of view and come to a compromise. I think you can have a healthy relationship with brother without having to live together even though I completely understand your reasons.
1 Like
Who the hell wants someone living with you. Ew. Id be pissed too. Our home is ours. No one else should be living there.
5 Likes
The way I would settle it is by saying If I didn’t give birth to you leave my house!! Case closed
Your husband is right. That’s his house and you moved a stranger in which definitely is an inconvenience. Your brother is a grown man. Why can’t he take care of himself?? You’re really gonna interrupt the life of your family for some stranger?? You’re the problem, not your husband.
11 Likes
Why is he living there? How long is staying? Is he contributing to the household? What is his background?
As much as I love my family, they cannot live with me. Some would never want to leave and make me the bad guy.
Finding out your adopted is a seriously hard thing in life. Finding out you have a “family” that you didn’t know is really tough. I found out when I was 13. My sister’s best friends little sister (also 13) let it out. I was devastated. Here for all of that time this whole group of “family” decided that they could tell the truth to every tom dick and Harry on the street, they just decided it wasn’t important for me to know. That kind of crap takes a huge toll on you. I ran away from “home” and never looked back. It’s not uncommon to want the relationship you never had a choice to have. Hubby should be supportive but also have guidelines for your guest family. Both of my real brothers died. I met 1 before he OD’d. George had a horrible time whit what our “mother” did. Michael died in an accident when he was 18. Somewhere out there is a sister. I don’t think I want to know anymore. At 63 it’s all been enough. But no matter what, it’s hard.
I mean Tbf it is your husbands house to if he’s been there 7 months then that’s a long time I don’t think your husband is unreasonable for wanting his space back I wouldn’t b happy with someone living with me for 7 months
3 Likes
Sounds like this wasn’t discussed prior to you allowing the brother to move in.
Also keeping his kids on the weekend should have been expected, I mean when you marry a man with children or a woman with children that just comes with it.
The brother needs to get a job and his own place.
4 Likes
Fuck em it’s family you had no clue ypu had. He should grow up period because I’d been gone at first fight over it. He’s not the problem nor are you good luck.
7 Likes
Family first. Relatives next. I’ve had a relative live with me for 9 mths, and a best friend for 6. It’s hard sometimes but had plenty of room to accommodate. They should pay rent . Or groceries it’s only fair. Do not let it become an issue or say bye to relative. They should understand.
Every time you talk about it - it turns into an argument…
It’s up to you to pick a time when you are both free, sit down, and YOU have to be the adult. Regardless of who is “in the wrong”, whether you moved him in without consulting your husband, or whether he agreed and has now decided he has issues.
Put all that aside.
Tell him, “I’m really unhappy that you’re upset with (brothers name) staying. I can see you’re not comfortable and it make me feel bad. I love you. I am just getting to know my brother and its exciting. But you are my priority too. How do we fix this?”
Let him snipe, snark, be petty. KEEP YOUR COOL. Don’t pick at words he says or snap back at underhand comments. Talk to him calmly. Use your self - control. Repeat that you want to sort this out and you need his help to make it work for everybody. Keep the moral high ground and don’t bite if he starts to bait you. Eventually when he sees that this isn’t just another “argument” he will start to talk to you properly. That is when you can really get to the bottom of the problem.
I would listen to your husband , one or 2 nights is grand to stay over but u have raised or raising a family with your husband now , I’m sure your brother could stay in a local guest house until he is sorted , I hope u talked things out with your husband before u moved your brother in , as your family do have a say in what goes on in there home
4 Likes
7 months is a long time to have a stranger staying with you. Blood or not he is still a stranger.
I agree with your hubby on this one. Asking him to be patient isn’t the right route, you need to rethink your plan of action.
6 Likes
Be cautious…this is what lifetime and unsolved mysteries are made of I agree with your husband…I’d be very uncomfortable too
7 Likes
Eh… like I’m glad you’re happy but at the same time you found out last year and you let him move in with you and your family not really knowing him… that is a stranger and I can understand why your husband would feel this way. People cannot be trusted these days. Your happiness should be with your family not just because your bio brother moved in.
8 Likes
I was luckier. When my adoption & birth Dad was finally confirmed, I was single again. And so far, my half siblings really don’t want to know me. Thank goodness for the cousins!
why can’t he get his own place? does he work? if not then help him get a job and save up to get his own place. maybe look for a place that close by so you can visit often and be close, yet have your own space.
Honestly in 7 months he should be on his feet
9 Likes
Is your brother supporting himself? You can’t expect no one to house feed & support another adult. There’s a whole other side of this story . Be fair and tell both sides.
6 Likes
It’s THEIR house and she should be allowed to let family stay if she wants to… But brother should be helping out with some sort of money given them…
I myself am adopted so I totally get where you’re coming from. Wanting to know your family is normal and honestly I don’t even think your husband should be “ cutting you some slack “ like you’ve earnt getting to know your own brother? Hell no! He’s family and your husband ( as new as strange as might be ) needs to understand that naturally you have A LOT to talk about and catch up on. You’re so lucky that you’ve got a family who after adoption want to be involved and I’m shocked he doesn’t fully support his happy you are with this.
3 Likes
Help him find his own spot. The husband isn’t wrong.
6 Likes
He needs to move. Husband should feel comfortable in his own house.
12 Likes
I’d help my brother find a place to live. After that I would stop bending over backwards for HIS relatives. They couldn’t get a dime from us or stay a single night at OUR house.
your husband is clearly jealous of this brother.
3 Likes
Does ur husband question if he’s ur brother? It sounds to me like he thinks he’s not and there may b an an suspension of something romantic going on. But I could have read too much into it. Just my immediate feeling of what ur husband may b feeling and I could totally be wrong.
I’d be more worried bouts my immediate family rather than “long lost brother”…
Your husband is used to having you to cater to him and his family! You are now getting to know a new family member. Don’t let him bully you into not having your time and thoughts about the what the process. It takes time to get to know people and if it’s the best time of your life, don’t let that go! He is your brother and you husband will have to get used to him being in your life!!!
1 Like
I can see it from both sides and yes finding out that you are adopted and then everything that follows after finding this out isn’t the easiest thing to go through at all. But on the other side, 7 months is a long time, I would of thought even 2 months would be more than generous allowing someone to come and stay. Maybe the 3 of you need to sit down together and figure out an end date to your brother staying
3 Likes
It pretty much sounds like you didn’t discuss with your husband first that your brother was going to move in. That was you first mistake. Furthermore, when you are with someone that has children from a previous relationship, sacrifices are going to be made but what you did was sacrifice your household and the family you created for a family that you don’t know much about by not discussing what you were doing.
1 Like
Well as long as your happy princess I guess nothing else matters
1 Like
Is he paying his way. If not, he should do all the house work to pay his way like a boarder and it’s a privilege not a right to be there. After all that keeping it professional then add your emotions.
Your husband and children have to come first, you can still get to know your brother living under different roofs, 7 months is a long time to have a stranger- because that’s what he was- living in your family home and I think your husband has been more than fair up until now & perhaps wants to feel that his feelings on it are listened to as well
2 Likes
Men are not wired the same as women - probably jealous or his feet hurt, or he didn’t like last night’s dinner, maybe you’ll never know…
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My newly discovered brother is living with us and my husband hates it, what should I do?
What exactly is your hubbys problem with him being there? Privacy? Costs?
2 Likes
Help him find housing.
5 Likes
You could still have a close relationship with your brother, and him not live in your house. I agree with your husband (not the snarky comments) and it’s one thing to help someone out… it’s another if they’re not making moves. Having a long term “houseguest”, could feel like an invasion of privacy after a while.
12 Likes
I can understand both yours & your husbands point of view, After 7 months living with you I am hoping he has found a job & saving up for his own place. If not, it’s time to get him moving towards this, He is a adult & he has to act like one, He can live close by & you both can still have a close relationship, But if he is over 30 or close to that, he should have his own place, going out, enjoying life, meeting new people & starting his own life with someone
4 Likes
I’m sorry I’m not moving a stranger into my home even if he is my supposed brother. You truly know nothing about this man and you moved him in with your young daughters
40 Likes
I couldn’t imagine anyone other than my husband living with me. Family or not. Sometimes it works. But I’m a very private person.
15 Likes
I understand both , but your brother should get his own place cause remember your married now with kids.
4 Likes
I understand how you feel and knowing your brother is important, but 7 months is a long time. I don’t agree with hubby’s comments, but if he has been pretty understanding until lately then I would have a talk with my brother and he should understand you and your husband’s point of view. Give him a 30 day window to find place. You can still be close but not have him living with you
5 Likes
It kinda sounds like hubby is jealous that all ur attention isn’t focused on what’s going on at the house
4 Likes
It sounds like you do alot, and put up with alot. You are entitled to have your brother stay for a few months. You are important, and your needs n wants are valid. People need to give you the same respect you give them. Stay strong!
12 Likes
Brother or not…a stranger is not moving in with my family, especially my kids…i dont know squat about them sooooo we can get to know each other without living together. Both sides have valid points so there needs to be a happy medium.
13 Likes
Honestly having 2 family units living together typically doesn’t work unless you all have like your own space where you won’t be bothered by each other. For instance, my parents let me move back in with them a few years ago to get back on my feet, I love them to death but it’s better when we aren’t under one roof.
5 Likes
I think you should sit him down and tell him everything you’ve put here, and talk it out! Maybe ask your brother for some alone time with your hubs! I have an extra staying with us and as much as I have no issues I like MY space!
2 Likes
I’m with your husband on this one.
5 Likes
7 months is a long time, a person gets paid twice a month and sometimes every week, 2 months be well enough time to save rent and deposit with some extra money, just because he’s your long lost brother doesn’t mean it’s safe for him living in your home with your children 
you live in the same world I live in so I know you know how surprisingly dangerous 1 can be 
I understand how your husbands feels because I’ll be damned anyone we don’t know moves in our home!! You and him a be gone!!
He’s basically a stranger and u have children, I wouldn’t let any stranger live in my home with my kids, family or not, did you even talk to ur husband about it before he moved in? Ur supposed to make choices like that together and judging from how ur husband is acting it sounds like he didn’t want this to happen in the first place. I understand wanting to know ur brother but he doesn’t have to live with u to do that, possibly help him find alternate housing or a room to rent?
13 Likes
Wait…first you say you find out your dad is not your bio dad. Then you say your adopted…was your mother not around? Cause just because your dad isnt your bio doesnt mean you are adopted. Jist means your mom slept with someone else and got pregnant. Also a rule to live by is never let friends or family move in period.
2 Likes
Sounds like he’s jealous your brother is getting attention and probably thinks your brother is “showing him up” by helping around the house and being a decent human being.
16 Likes
Why isn’t the newly-found brother living on his own? You don’t want a permanent moocher. Why 7 months, and what happens after that? Why does this guy get to live with you—what about the other 2 brothers?
9 Likes
Turn it around and ask yourself how would you feel in your husband’s spot. If you would feel uneasy etc then you can kinda get it. Not every one is open minded. I would feel some sorta way if some “new” sister came and stayed. Especially during a confusing season for you.
1 Like
I don’t think people are getting the subtle signs that your husband is controlling that I’m getting. My ex didn’t treat me very well but had me believing it was my fault and so I deserved it. So maybe I’m biased but I’m getting that your husband isn’t very nice to you either. Probably why you’re so happy to have someone else in the house.
16 Likes
Your husband should put on his big boy pants and let you discover who your family is as they are apart of you
16 Likes
I get both sides here. You both have valid feelings. You want to build and grow a relationship with your brother. Totally fine. Your husband wants his home back to a normal home without your brother living there. I get that as well. I hope you both can work it out
8 Likes
Tell him go!! You need your happiness… it’s seeming he wants you all to himself and HIS family
While I see your point think about this, you took a stranger in where there are kids. Your family took in a stranger. I see why he doesn’t like it. How would you feel if he said oh my newly found sister is moving in and not caring how you feel? Where was he living before? He had a place he was staying before you met him. Why move in with you? You can still build a relationship with this brother with him not living with you. You have your own family and you have to also think about them. What happens if 7 months comes up and no place? He stays as long as he wants until your husband puts his foot down and says it to him. Also, you both do things for one another. To throw that out that you have done so much for him is selfish of you. Don’t come at anyone with that. You moved a random man into your house that you don’t know and while I see your point, you went to far moving him into your house. I’m with your husband on this.
7 Likes
Oh no no no…MY OPINION… I’m not moving any person into my house. Neither is my husband. I can develop relationships and friendships without me giving my personal space or making my family uncomfortable. Also I would never go against my husband in a situation that literally is inside our home. He has every right to feel the way he does. I simply wouldn’t do it. This is uprooting your households peace and that’s not cool
18 Likes
Tell him to get over it, that he is part of your family just as the step kids are part of the family. And that you want him there and he needs to understand.
5 Likes
I do get both sides… however, has your brother already been living with you for 7 months or your planning on him staying for 7 months? Regardless, it doesn’t take 7 months to get on your feet, get a job and find a place to stay. If he’s already been there 7 months than I can totally see why your husband is over it. Your brother doesn’t have to live with you to maintain a close relationship. If you want to be a good sister than help him get his life in line and find a place to live. Or your going to risk your marriage.
7 Likes
In the end, your husband is the one who you’re supposed to be with forever. Don’t let it cause a strain on your marriage. I may feel differently if this was a brother that you’re husband as used to and they were friends/brothers before he moved in. Marriage should be above anything, in my opinion.
1 Like
I think that you and your husband need to hear eachother out, identify exactly what is causing the conflict, and come up with a solution that includes both of your needs. Solving problems does not have to mean someone sacrifices themselves. It means taking a good hard look at everyone’s needs and collaborating on a solution that meets those. Does your husband feel left out of your new family and this decision. Does he need to feel safe about having someone living in his home? Are there changes that will promote getting his needs met that can be made short of rescinding your agreement with your brother to stay for 7 months? Does he have a need to be the most important man in your life? Is your brother living there fulfilling a need for you? What is that need? Are there other ways to fulfill that need? Start digging deeper.
2 Likes
I see both sides. Both of you have valid feelings. I’m concerned that you basically moved a complete stranger into your home where you have kids. You two need to communicate better.
Ummm while this is not the most popular opinion… I keep seeing ppl compare your new brother to step kids, and no it’s not the fkin same at all… here’s y… u knew about step kids before hand, your husband didn’t know about brother… u chose them ahead of time , husband did not choose this…. Step kids are kids… brother is a grown ass man y does he need to live with anyone for 7 months…
Brother or not u don’t actually “know” him, so how could u let him move in around your children…?
Also do u and husband both work and pay the bills? Cause I damn sure hope u do, and didn’t just move another man and financial strain into your household and not be paying for it but expect your husband to be, that would be ridiculous.
I can understand your husband. And I can understand you.
I love that he’s been giving and clean. That’s a big deal. And 7 months is a long time but not super long.
But again I can understand husband. So I’m torn how to feel. He’s definitely had long enough to get a job and save for a place
Get counseling. Husband needs to mature
4 Likes
7 months is too long- there’s jobs everywhere, and he’s grown. Certainly by now he should have first month and deposit saved up for a room or studio apt
3 Likes
Your loyalty lies with your husband. 7 months is way to long not to have found a place…. He has more than over stayed his welcome. The 1 thing houseguests & fish have in common is after a couple of days they start to smell.
What you have to realize is this brother ie total strange man came into your home & now won’t leave. No man wants some random man in their home. I’m trying to figure out why he hasn’t gotten his own place. You say he helps out…. Over those 7 months how much cash money has this man given to you & your husband? Cleaning doesn’t pay the bills & no man wants to pay for another man’s way especially for 7 + months. I absolutely see why your husband is pissed off. You & this strange man are fully taking advantage of your husband. He’s feeling like a bitch in his own home which is unacceptable. Personally, I’m a bit shocked that y’all have let this go on this long.
Now that it’s been 7 months of this man living in your home, you can’t just say you’ve got to go…. Now it’ll be a whole eviction thing with the courts getting involved. I would be so effin pissed if I was your husband. You’re lucky he hasn’t packed his shit & left you…. Not very many men would deal with this.
1 Like
The way I see it you’ve sacrificed a lot. It won’t kill him. He shouldn’t be acting like that.
4 Likes
If this is the happiest you’ve ever been and you can’t say that same thing about your marriage then maybe reexamine your relationships.
6 Likes
Family should be everything! Sad your husband is not more on board and supportive.
3 Likes
Sounds like he’s jealous ,
1 Like
You have NO idea who this guy is and you have him in your house, with your children.
I’m with the husband on this one
16 Likes
Your husband sounds like an ass . I hope you show him these comments , the love he has for you should over come him being “uncomfy” for a few months , while you try to find out more about where you came from and your family . He seems selfish .
The fact the majority of y’all would move a stranger in for even a day with your kids has me wanting to shout #saveourchildren
14 Likes
A number of issues it sounds like the husband has with this situation. People are assuming the husband is worried about his kids… it could just be that the husband is territorial and jealous of the other male in his private space. I might be fine for a while, but might show distaste to the whole thing once it affected me negatively. On the other hand, sometimes people are blind to their new fav person’s faults while others see them clearly from outside the box. I’d try to hear exactly why your husband is now upset about the circumstances and compromise some rules for boundaries with the brother. It’s not your brother that you need appease. You are doing him the favor.
3 Likes
That would be like him moving a family member of his in. If he would do it for his family why cant you do it for yours? If your brother is helping around the house I dont see what the problem is? But…at the same time this should have been talked about before moving your brother in.