My newly discovered brother is living with us and my husband hates it, what should I do?

I think you should respect your husband. If it was reversed and u wanted someone out of ur home you’d want him to respect that. He can find his own place and yall can still be close it shouldn’t effect that. But you married your husband and he should come first.

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Becareful. He could be using your desire/need for a close family bond to take advantage of you. Talk with your husband. Really talk. Find out why he’s not happy with this arrangement. I don’t think I’d be ok in his position. You moved a stranger in his home. At the least it’s another mouth to feed. At the extreme he can be dangerous. Proceed cautiously.

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Just talk to your husband about what are the things that bother him about your brother being there (maybe lack of privacy, ect)… and actually listen because these are the things that are making him uncomfortable in his own home

Explain to your husband about why you like having him there and that this is something you need to do for your well being (to explore and build this relationship with him, seeing as you’ve been missing a part of your life and you are trying to learn how to fill the void that was left by that)

self evaluation and communication can go a very long way

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7 month’s is he really looking for a job or a place of his own or just a place to stay free of charge, looks like he found it ,I’M WITH YOUR HUSBANDS OPINION ON THIS

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be careful . your brother is your brother but i think you need to respect your husband in this matter . you can still be close to your brother when he finds a newe place to live

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My first thought on this…Comparing your spouse’s minor aged children to an adult brother is probably not the best way to “argue” your case on your brother staying. I would quite honestly stop using that as a reason to justify your brother staying. Out loud or even inside your own head. They’re no where even close to the same thing.

Once that is taken out of the reasons for him to stay…What’s left?
Have you even tried to hear your husband out on why it’s an issue for him? If he has a real issue with it then you need to understand that’s his house too. He shouldn’t be miserable for you to be happy.
Look for a compromise.
Maybe something simple like boundaries and house rules would help fix the problem.
Maybe insisting on some type of financial help from your brother would fix it.
But you have to be willing to sit down and really hear your husband out in order for it to work.

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He’s jealous. You have the right to get to know your family. I’m not sure how to tell you to repair this issue…because believe it or not I had the same exact issue, except my brother didn’t live with me. My husband made such an ass of himself…over and over again that I just realized he was not the man I thought he was and we ended up divorced :woman_shrugging: good luck.

Hopefully you both discussed this before he moved in.

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Need to know what his beef is exactly. Does he not mesh with this person? Not like him being around the kids? Is he giving up his space? Too many other factors.

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I would respect my husband’s concerns and sit with him and come up with a plan. This is a HUGE imposition. I stand with the husband on this

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If my husband said someone couldnt stay at my house they wouldnt be at my house. He may be your brother but you have only known him for a year

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I think the Husband’s right on this one.

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As if you’d move a stranger in with your kids :joy: I’d have left you and taken them with me

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“Stranger danger!”…"but we have the same dad so its ok":thinking: Should really get to know a person before letting them move in. Especially around kids.

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Family or not, that man is a stranger. Did you get actual proof he is your brother? You have a 9 yr old girl at home, and two teens on the weekends. Do you know enough about your brother to know your kids are safe around him? I would absolutely be against my partner moving in a new found family member that I know nothing about, especially with kids at home.

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I have to agree with your husband on this. You basically have this guy living there and how well do you really know him? I’m gonna guess not as well as you think since it hasn’t been that long. Besides, that’s your husband and it’s his home too. You should respect that.

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I find it really weird that you are having your brother already living with you straight after you met.
Something sounds off.
Looks like he’s taking advantage of you guys bcz otherwise it would be a couple weeks and your out.

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Be careful. Just bc this man is your brother, doesn’t mean he has the same… Heart that you do. Make sure the kids aren’t in danger. This is probably one of your husband’s main concerns. I understand your point, but you shouldn’t just open up your home to a STRANGER

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I dunno. My husband wouldn’t be the one making remarks like that if this was my suitation… He actually wouldn’t have any issue with it and would be quite happy If i found biological family. Tell your husband to take a chill pill

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it’s his house as much it is yours got to respect his point of view also he is your husband …im very close with my siblings took my brother in for months at a time it was totally cool w my husband but if he had a problem w it i would respect it 100% …and u cannot compare your brother to your step kids his kids come with him it’s a package your brother doesn’t

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im sorry love but 7 months is a long time for a grown man to be “staying” in my home. I’d be upset too. Sounds like it would all work out better if your brother moved into his own place

It’s kinda weird you just met your brother and you already have him living with you for 7 months. I’m with your husband.

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Ok I did not read all the comments and it def has merit that u should talked about this b4, and yes he is a stranger but I was thinking about how happy u said u was maybe he is jealous …it’s so possible , he cleans n he comes in to him it’s just a person being too chummy with his wife try to reverse if and c how u feel if y was w hubby for years he finds his long lost sister and then he is happy singing cleaning :heart::crown::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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I think your feelings are completely valid. It’s 7 months, not 7 years. If your brother is not having a negative impact on your household or family, I think your hubby needs to chill. My hubby supports me in whatever makes me happy/makes me feel good/makes others feel good as long as it doesn’t have a severe negative impact on our family. For example, I can’t donate all our money to animal rescues or foster any animals at our home currently because we have 2 kids and 2 dogs already. :woman_shrugging: But he is “allowing” me to go volunteer at a shelter because it’s important to me and everything else important in our life is covered, so me doing that won’t take anything away from our family. I understand having family living with you isn’t always the most fun (been there) but if we can help someone without seriously hurting others in our lives, I think it can be worked out. :woman_shrugging: Communication is key.

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I have no advice because I’ve always had ppl live with me at some point lol! I took in my sisters who left the amish life style and had nothing to their name because that’s what family does, I would have never let my sisters be on the streets just because my husband throws a fit and doesn’t want them there! Family is family I’ve been in the same damn position when I left and family took me in, had they not I woulda been on the streets! :woman_shrugging:t2: but my spouses have never cared that I had sisters live with us he welcomed them in and made them feel at home because that’s what you do for family in need!

I feel like he’s been there long enough at this point that he needs to be getting his own place and giving you your space back. I can see why your hubs is getting annoyed now. This was probably something he thought would only be a couple months now heading towards the year mark. Also family or not if I don’t know anything about you, you aren’t moving in with my children in the house. I trust no one. Maybe sit down and speak with your husband privately about how and why he’s feeling the way he is. It’s his house and kids too and if he’s not happy or comfortable, it matters too.

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I wonder if your husband is thinking this guy is not really your brother and thinks something fishy is going on. You need to get your brother brother out as soon as possible. Put yourself in your husbands shoes. Hour world you feel if he had a sister you did not know about move move in and he became oddly closer to this sister he did not know before quickly. I don’t blame your husband forbeing uncomfortable.

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2 family units in one house rarely works.
I know. I’ve lived with family and currently have my sister in law living with me.
I love her, I wanna help her, but since the moment she moved in it’s like she’s been fighting me for the crown to my castle.
And I told her as much and she said she would try to back off(we’ll see).
But maybe that’s how your husband feels?
Another man moved into his home of years and he may feel sidelined…
At least he and the brother aren’t getting into it like I had to with my SIL to make her understand…
But my husband and I talk extensively about it and I let him know my feelings.
He sees what happens and empathizes and has my back.
Maybe your husband just needs to be shown that you’re still on his team?

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Just be careful, read the news, the crime section… the cautionary tales are out there and they are real. I don’t trust a soul

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Well. I understand both sides. You’re putting everyone at risk because technically he is a stranger. You don’t know him, how would you feel if you’re hubby had a lost brother and brought him there and who knows what could happen to the kids.

On the other hand, when me and my ex fiance got our first apt together, we had my three boys upstairs in a room, us in a room and a few of our family members downstairs (my sister, her friend stayed, and we ended up having his sister and bnl and their two kids stay too because they had no where else to go and it was cold for a newborn, so they stayed. It ended badly, not for my kids, but for us adults :joy::joy::joy::joy::joy: Oh man. Its all connected.

I actually vote NO, go with the husbands gut feeling on this please. Sit down and have a conversation with him on why he feels this way, and tell him how you feel.

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You’ve physically known him for less than a year, I’m guessing, since you just found out your dad’s not your real dad a year ago. You moved him in 7 months ago. It DOES NOT take 7 months to find a job and save up for a place. Why did he move with you? Sounds like he had something to run from. You also can’t blame your husband for not wanting a complete stranger around his 9 year old daughter, sounds like you’re too trusting. You shouldn’t need go let him live with you in order for him to be close to you. I’ve also met my dad (thru phone) qt 28, he tried to come stay with me before I cut him off for good.

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7 months isn’t staying until he finds a spot, this dude straight lives there forever now

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Y’all do realize getting a place now, in some places, Rentees are asking 6 months up front? Like, that will take at least months to save bc he’ll also need down payments on utilities. With the moratorium on evictions that so many ppl loved, this is a consequence.
Personally, I’d sit down with him & help him make a financial plan. Show it to your husband. If you have a plan & goal time frame frame he hopefully won’t feel like there’s a Forever Roommate.
I know you’re excited but that’s his home too.

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Happy you found your brother, my “long lost sister” found me “seeking answers” about our father, then called me and MY older sisters liars when I told her the truth and I was blocked within a month, and she takes her children around him, praying for your situation

My mom and I moved across country and lived with my aunt and uncle for 6 months. We were looking for a house we were looking for jobs we were saving money so that we could get a house or an apartment in this brand new city that we were living in. So I understand that it takes time to find a place and save money for that. On the other hand your husband should be supporting you. It sounds like your new brother is doing everything he can to help pay his own way by cleaning and cooking what not, but if your husband is not supportive of you, then you need to have a conversation with him as well as one with your brother. Granted I would have talked to my husband before my brother moved in, if you did that that’s great, but you should ask your husband what it is that’s bothering him. If this is new with him making comments and digs at your brother, maybe there’s something underlying It needs to be addressed. As always, I recommend communication. You need to find out if your husband was originally supportive and is not supportive any longer why, as well as finding out how your brother’s doing with a job and saving money for his own place. Although it’s good to get to know your new family and help them out when you can, you also have vows to your husband and your stepchildren as well as your own children. You just need to find a happy medium.

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He is jealous! Include him in things! But he is being petty and unsupportive. He needs to grow up

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Okay I’m sorry but he is an stranger regardless. You don’t know him like that plus he is a grown man and he can learn to take care of himself. Take him to your local county job bank and show him how to apply for one ( if he is not working). Next thing you know, (depends in what state), but once you live with someone past 6 month, that person becomes a resident of that house and you CAN NOT kick them out of your house without a court get involve. I know you made sacrifices (not our business) but you can’t compare his blood children with a totally stranger. Good luck.

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You can’t invite just anyone into your home, family or not!

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I don’t see the problem? If it makes you happy? Family is family, if you’re okay with him staying, why shouldn’t your partner meet you halfway with that, and get along with his BIL. In my family, we always got room for our loved siblings no matter what situation, who knows, in your brothers head 'you maybe his only person/sibling who shows him real love, but it’s upto you.

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You invited a random man into your house and now you’re wondering why your husband is annoyed!? Why would he even allow that!?

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Just tell him how it is…you do things for his family a d it is his turn to do things for you…if he doesn’t like it he can find the door

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There is no excuse for not having a job. They are jobs everywhere right now. Tell him he must move out. You can remain friends with him in his own place. YOU have young children who need you.

The three of you need to sit down and discuss this as adults…put a time limit on how much longer he should NEED, not want, to stay. Once he has a firm date to move, you both need to hold him to it! You definitely know him well by seven months of living together, invite him for dinner two evenings a week after,that’s enough for any brother/sister relationship…

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Your husband is jealous. Even though it’s your biological brother it’s still another male you’re showing time and attention to. The fact he’s there all the time definitely doesn’t help matters. It’s a male thing some need to be Alpha all the time especially if they have really low self esteem to begin with.

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The pandemic has changed a lot of things. It’s not so easy to rent nor are the jobs out there like they’ll have you believe. Could have just moved into her home at the worst time.

Stand by your husband. Duh.

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Rent him an apartment, he’s putting a wedge between you and your husband.

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Maybe hes uncomfortable because you guys don’t really know him that well and hes uncomfortable having him in the house around his children, which is understandable. but he also needs to be supportive of you because I’m sure this isn’t easy what you are going through finding out everything you knew your whole life was lie. If I were you I would ask him what exactly it is that’s making him not comfortable with him staying there and just try to communicate and talk about the situation calmly and rationally. You guys are partners so so you guys have to make the decision of whether he should stay there or not together.

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The brother has to go. The house is not just yours.

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I mean he’s not there forever and he helps so I don’t understand the problem? Jealousy of the attention? Of the new relationship you’re building? I’d be more concerned about that. Does your brother have a job? Is he saving money? As long as he’s continuing putting an effort to moving out, I’d say there shouldn’t be a problem.

If you want to stay happily married, encourage your brother to get his own place.

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Why would it take him 7 mths to get his own place, even renting a room in another house that wants and needs roommates. You say he is a good roommate so a paycheck or two should do it . You can still hang out and grow your relationship.

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Your husband has as much say as you in your household. Adults shouldn’t be expecting other’s to bail them out. Seven months seems extreme. You married into your family situation. . You supposedly knew the arrangements of the kids.

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First, I definite learned the hard way of what I do for others does not quivilate to what they should do for me, so no break for your needs is requisite from your hurband, with that being said he needs to open his heart and ears to your needs. And if your brother is really a good man, telling him somewhat the truth or just enough of it as to not damage the relationship between BIL’s should work out fine.

So, you’ve never been happier ,and your brother is helpful and a comfort.

Your husband is angry and resentful.

Yes. You have been thru a very traumatic experience. You need therapy. Maybe with your husband. Sit down and talk about it. He may be jealous or envious because he’s never been able to make you happy. You definitely deserve to be happy. God bless.

Talk to your husband. The best thing is, that you are happy! Sometimes we miss some relationships in our life and we found that we want to keep them in our lives! It’s fine! You need to work on the grounds that makes your husband question his existence in your home. If not, tell him he is not going anywhere. Life is short. Don’t give up on relationships!

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I mean he’s a brother your husbands kids are exactly that KIDS, 7 months is a long time.

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Tell him all that. Communication

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Your husband sounds very selfish. Be open and tell him you gave him everything he needed and this is what you need. He’s behaving like a spoilt child

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Did your husband originally agree to let him move in. If so, then that’s the end of the story he has to hold up his end of the agreement.

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Counseling for you individually to process the trauma and couples counseling because this is affecting your marriage.

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I understand that he’s your family, but honestly you don’t even know the guy…and it was your husband’s home first. He shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable in his own home because your brother can’t get his own place. Why did your brother move without being prepared? It shouldn’t take 7 months to find a place AFTER moving, you do that before you move…

ETA: I would be extremely concerned about a grown adult I barely know living with my child as well. NO ONE stays at my house (aside people I’ve KNOWN for a LONG time) when my child is here. “Family is family” is a bullshit statement, sometimes “family” are the most dangerous people you can be with…
Sometimes family are the exact people you don’t allow in your home🤷🏼‍♀️

Sit down and have a talk with him. An honest open talk

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your married family is family. you made accommodations for his kids to stay with you, he can make the same effort and welcome your family. Kids or siblings.

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Why can’t he just move out and yall visit occasionally. I mean. Your husband is the man of the house. Is it possible your attention to him or the children is dwindling bc you’re giving it all ro your bother?
And, is it possible that 7 months is a bit too much for a grown man to be living with you? Yeah. You’re siblings. But I’m sorry there’s a bit of an ick factor. Siblings that have that been separated like that…there are reports of incestuous relations when they meet and spend that much time together. It’s actually a thing. I dont blame him for being irritated for several reasons. You don’t have a siblings bond. You have something else. :woman_shrugging:

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And dang. If you’re willing to let him be miserable for you to be happy, maybe you should move out with your brother. 7 months is more than long enough to get to know him and catch up. He should have been working on saving money to get his own place. When he agreed to let him crash with yall I’m sure he didn’t look at it as a permanent thing.

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This will not stop until your brother moves out and to be honest seven months is way too long for a house guest. He needs to move on and stop being a thorn in your husband’s side.

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Really, you guys. I get it all, I really do and I’m very happy for you but seven months is plenty of time for him to have found his own place. He can still come visit and maybe have dinner at your house once or twice weekly. Men like routine and yours has been upset too long. Your main commitment is to your family.

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Tell your husband to stop being a prick and if he doesn’t like it then he should leave. If you are happy and know you’ve done plenty for him and his family then there is no reason he cannot do the same for you.

I can see both sides. Kids vs siblings are 2 entirely different things. I can absolutely see why you’d want him there. But I’ve also allowed in laws to move in and it was hell while my now ex husband thought it was great. There needs to be a compromise that doesn’t make one side miserable. And 7 months is way to long to get on his feet. Where did that number come from?

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I wouldn’t worry about it. Sounds like he has no reason to be annoyed but just is. That sounds like something he has to figure out himself.

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Some people like their own space own house own family u just met this brother he has teen girl 🤷.maybe feels a lil uncomfortable to for her. Compromise and talk. He got a problem y’all need sort. 7months is frikn ages. Someone’s taken advantage on your new sibling situation .

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So I’ve also discovered that my dad isn’t actually my dad and I’ve discovered that I have a younger sister thru my bio dad. Unfortunately bio dad doesn’t want me to be part of his family. If I had a chance to know my sister, I would jump at it but I damn sure wouldn’t not move someone in that I don’t know well. Your brother is a grown man that needs to live on his own. A month max should have been the longest he was with you because now he is disrupting how your family works.

Talk to him alone… not in the middle of an argument… calmly explain what you told us. Why you like him being there and all he’s doing to help you. And listen to his side (if he has one). I understand how rough it is to have some stay with you but with all you have explained it seems like a small sacrifice for him to just be understanding.

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He can rent a room somewhere

You also need to RESPECT the fact that your HUSBAND does not want him there 7mo is 6mo too…long. Does he contribute to household EXPENSES? Does he have a job or does he just lounge around and freeload. If so why should your husband support another person? I get that you want a relationship with your sibling but maybe he’s just using you to leech off of?? Why can’t he live with anyone else? You also need to be open to hear why your husband doesn’t want him there. You want your husband to see your POINT OF VIEW then be willing to see his…

First/ You are not communicating- your talking at each other. (Husband and you) Second realize your husband is the man of the house - now there’s another man -( who helps out- which is cool) that is taking your attention away from him or doing stuff he “ should” be doing (he might feel a little guilty or jealous ) third - seriously you did throw a curve ball at him - by letting your bro. live with you.
But you need to communicate young one - you might start “date night” and make your brother babysit - or go away for the weekend - you got a babysitter now.
Show hubby it may be to his advantage having another adult around - proactive kiddo -
Heck if you play it right - he(hubby) might realize that and bring it to your attention- lol - men always love coming up with our ideas.:yum::v:t4:

Why can’t your brother get a place close to you than you can still spend time together without it being a problem in your home life/relationship he lived somewhere before coming to live with you why can’t he go now ?

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She said he staying seven months didn’t say he had been there that long.

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yeah so you sign up for kids when you marry someone with them…you dont sign up for whatever famliy memeber needs a place to stay. If your husband isnt ok with this, your brother needs to go. Not like his whole house burnt down and he was homeless. Hes a grown man and if he doesnt have ANY one else to do this for him…you need to wonder why.

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He just doesn’t want another man in his house also why would it take 7 months to find his own place .

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There is alot to unpack here. I’m disappointed at the lack of support in these comments. 7 months surely cannot make up for 35 years of missed time with a loved one whom you’ve only recently discovered. Not even to mention trying to navigate discovering who you are, as the life and “family” you knew turned out to not be who you always thought it was. Whether or not they’ve been loving and good to you is irrelevant…as now you have a whole new identity to search for. So many questions, I’m sure. You mention always feeling like the odd one out. I’m sure this is alot… to say the least. I would suggest counseling, first and foremost for yourself and if he’s willing, for you and your husband. You’ve obviously sacrificed and been giving to his children, which is different when blending families through a marriage… however he needs to also support you and be willing to sacrifice for your needs, especially something such as this. Something (your biological family) was taken/hidden from you and with that can come so much trauma. You didn’t ask for this disruption in your life. This happened to you. He really needs to think deeper into how you must be feeling. I’m not sure where the “7 months total” comes into play here, if there was a conversation beforehand and a plan. But it’s not too late now and I highly recommend you and your husband having a serious and loving conversation about both of your feelings and specifically, your needs for his support in this situation. The two of you need to come to a reasonable agreement with healthy boundaries and expectations going forward. For example, a plan/goal such as:

  1. A set time frame that your brother is welcome to stay in your home. (All these judgemental comments yet nobody knows his own situation and maybe he needs help to get back on his feet… if that’s the case).
  2. How he will contribute to the household (be it helping with the children, cleaning, contributing to groceries or paying a certain utility bill or renting the room in which he stays).
  3. Finding employment (if he hasn’t already) and helping him with a financial plan to save for a place of his own.
    –I know a family (married with two kids) who has temporarily had to move in with their parents/in-laws and they do pay rent and the parents put that “rent” into a savings account for them in order to help get them back on their feet and save to buy a house of their own. If you’re financially able, this could be an option as well.
  4. Following that conversation between you and your husband, the 3 of you need to sit down for a family meeting and discuss all of these things and move forward accordingly. If this is something that cannot be reasonably agreed to or followed by said boundaries/expectations such as a time frame for these arrangements, then yes your husband then…and only then could have a legit reason for being upset. Otherwise, marriage is about compromise and supporting the others needs and I feel like this is a fair way to meet both his concerns as well as being supportive of your feelings while you navigate this new journey. I hope the best and most loving outcome for you all! :purple_heart:
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He’s jealous of all the attention your new brother is getting and hopefully he can just suck it up until your brother moves out.
But saying that I would hope your brother is really trying to get it all together to get a place of his own. How exciting for you all. Good luck :shamrock:

All i see is projection in these comments. Damn. I mean, god damn does no one have a decent relationship with their siblings?

I think because the person is new in your life and that your actually quite happy about it he may just be a little jealous :woman_shrugging:t2: , just talk to him.

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Tell him how it is lay it out just like you did here,7 months ain’t shit on the 35 years youv missed together and he needs to understand that but maybe make sure rest of family is included in the bonding time here and there

Tell him it’s you’re house too and u want him to stay as long as he needs to!

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Do you work, or is this all in your husbands dime? If your paying to support him and not your husband and not causing any sort of burden on your husband, then do you. But if the burden is on the husband, then I’d want him out too. Thinking your husband should be ok with a complete stranger around his kids for 7 months is absolutely selfish and crazy

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I can understand wanting to get to know your brother however, it’s never a good idea to have family move in with you unless absolutely necessary. Your husband and kids should be your priority. You husband is the one working making a living to support his family. While your brother is living there not working so I can see where it could cause your husband to be upset. Your brother needs to focus on finding a job and getting his own place. You should be working with your husband not against him.

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Just don’t talk to him about it

Seems like a pretty stupid question. You have to decide for yourself - who is more important as a house mate… your husband or your brother? Unless your brother is disabled and unable to care for himself, the choice should be clear.

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This is a tough one. Understandably your comfortable with getting to know your brother and spending lots of time together. But I hope you understand having a house guest around 24/7 isn’t ideal for many people. Some are use to their own space and this can cause major discomfort and even anxiety. you have to put yourself in your husband’s shoes for a second

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Ur husband needs to shut his coco jesis neck of him

I understand he’s your biological brother but you don’t know him. I’d feel uncomfortable too :woman_shrugging:t4: sorry

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I love that you’re getting this opportunity! I understand where your husband is coming from, but I also see your side and I honestly
Take your side based solely off what you’ve said here. What is recommend watching for is your brother becoming a crutch for a life you didn’t know, for a family you don’t have that confirmation from. That’s what your husband is for. So I would say keep your brother around but also put in a little extra work to show your husband how important he is. That you couldn’t do this without him. Let him know he’s your rock while you figure things out internally and with your family.

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He sounds jealous a bit dont let it get to you but brother also needs to have space. Don’t let your loneliness/outcasting cloud your judgements.

You should be respectful of everyone else in the homes comfort. This was a complete stranger and you’ve moved a complete stranger into their home, their safe space. Maybe spend some serious time working with him to get him his own place. You can still form a relationship without him being in everyone’s personal space. Did your husband have a choice in this matter? Did you guys all sit down and discuss boundaries and a hard time frame? I don’t care if he’s dna related or not he is a stranger you are getting to know right now living with your children.

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Some of y’all are ridiculous. I’m so disappointed in the lack of support from y’all. Do better

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It is also your husbands house. Communicate with him. Talk about it. What really is bugging your husband, maybe cut down on how long your brother is staying. Just talk.

3 Likes

Not everybody likes having house guests and roommates. :woman_shrugging:t5: Unfortunately this is causing a wedge between you and your husband. Spouse/spouse’s feelings come first. Help the brother find a new place to live… he’ll be alright.

2 Likes