I am a SAHM and do all of the finances and bills. We share everything and I am in control of it all.
Never let a man hold you back from being independent as you can still give love to your kids while you work and will find a daycare that suits you. If he died you wouldnāt have a choice but to work so always be independent and be able to carry on if anything happens. He does sound controlling though to me
Iāve been a sahm for three years (since I was pregnant w my son) itās both of our choice! We pay our bills first and w e is left he would give me every dime if I askedā¦ itās OUR money weāre married! If your husband doesnāt want to share money then I would tell him good luck and to find a babysitter bc u will go make your own I buy whatever I want when I want as long as our bills are paid there is no reason you should have to worry about stuff that you need or want!
Iām a SAHM and thats not how we do things! I pay the bills and balance the account, I always know what we have and I just tell him. If I wanna go out and do something, I do. Same for him. I do have an online boutique, but it obviously doesnāt bring in the money his job does. You should have the option to work if you want to
My husband (my childrenās step father) has provided for me and my children for the last 9 yrs. My ex would now allow me to buy simple things like tampons without it being a tit for tat or big argument
That sort of manipulation has effected me to this day (nearly 10 yrs later) you need to find a resolution before that level of trauma Is ingrained as normal with your children
My hubs works and I take care of all the finances. I think thatās awful that you donāt have a say or access. Heās not being a husband heās being a controlling father to you. Heck no. Either tell him they are going to daycare or he needs to cut the shit! Not cool mama.
My husband wanted me to be a stay at home mom until mine go to school and I was also making great money (more than him at the time) but now that heās the only one working I never have to ask to get things I need or want. Itās never a question! We take care of bills first but I never have to ask and the few times I did he told me that I shouldnāt be asking him because itās just as much my money as his since I also sacrificed my job to stay home! He should not be using that against you. Thatās a form of abuse and itās most definitely not healthy at all! If he wants you to sacrifice everything he needs to be willing to make sure your needs and wants are also met or he shouldnāt have a say so in how you get that money.
This is not healthy behavior on his part and he sounds extremely controlling. I say go to work and put the kids in daycare, if he has a problem he can stay home with them and beg for money from you instead.
Iām sorry you are going through this you should have a serious talk about this with him. If yāall can provide some sort of daycare you should definitely go back to work if thatās what you want to do. Also thatās not right that you arenāt buying what you need or want. Iām not saying go crazy all the time but itās like heās always saying no and itās not right. Personally for me my husband only works and he never says itās just his money and Iām the one that takes care of paying everything. I buy what I need and what I want when I know we will be okay because our kids and bills come first. So we just budget for everything.
Thatās control and abuse and I would leave tbh.
Thatās financial abuse. He either agrees to share finances and allow you to help, or he has to suck it up and let you go back to work.
Thatās control. Honey you need to run.
He can be the one to stay at home then. You are your own person and if you want to work, then you have that right!! Heās controlling!!
This was my life for almost 3 years. I left. Its abuse. I couldnāt go out because I never had any money. If I tried to go back to work he would do something to make it impossible. I never saw the bank account so I never knew where our money went. Its not okay.
Yeah, thats not normal.
You are not the selfish one your husband is.
You need to discuss more and if he wonāt allow it i say take the kids to daycare anyways and go back to work rather he wants you to or not. He is trying to control you because no this is not normal behavior and he should allow you to have money. I dont work, but my hubby letās me have control of the finances and get things I need or want when we can afford it.
Im a sahm my husband gets paid weekly and he gives me money weekly, personal higiene things he always buys them. Hes not against me going to work and leaving our son in daycare he says its good for kids to interact with other kids
Thatās financial abuse
Iād start by telling him he isnāt allowed to control your life and tell you to stay home. He doesnāt own you and he needs to understand that. End of story with that part. Second part, there are people who babysit and you can go that route, but maybe tell him he should be the one to stay home and have no money to spend or enjoy things, while you go out and splurge. Just because youāre a woman, it doesnāt make it your sole responsibility to take care of children and the house. Also, throw it back in his face that you canāt afford to stay home since itās his money and you need things, so you have to get a job. Honestly, he sounds insane
I was a sham for 8 years and my husband worked. We both had access to the money. But what he done was cash his check and hand it to me. He would keep money for lunch and drinks for work, gas, but I had the rest for bills and whatever else we needed. He doesnāt sound responsible and I would get a job anyway and look for daycare or babysitter.
Nope Iām a SAHM and I handle all the finances. I have the budget set up on a spreadsheet and know how much we have to spend to a penny. My hubby never tells me what I can or cannot buy with OUR money! Being a SAHM is a tough job and he knows it. We are a team.
This is financial abuse!!! Please find a job and get your children into daycare and then leave your husband, he does not see you as a partner he sees you as inferior and you are not safe in that kind of environment!!!
My husband works and we manage OUR money together we make all of the decisions about money TOGETHER!!! And I have never went with out anything I needed and neither have my children!!! What you are experiencing is not ok or normal!!!
With my ex husband I was a SAHM and any time I spent money Iād have to explain to a T why āweā needed it. If āweā didnāt need it then I shouldnāt buy it. In arguments itād often get thrown in my face that it was his money and his house. Yet at a drop of a hat heād buy a new gun or something he wanted. I suggested doing what my parents do since my mother is a SAHM and my dad just gives her an allowance per se each week for her to buy groceries with and whatever she wants and he straight up said no. It was toxic.
You donāt have to be the one who stays home. You chose to because HE had a bad experience. You are not selfish. He is
Iām a stay at home mom. My husband and I have A joint bank account. I pay all the bills. I have access to money whenever I need it. I buy all the essentials and do the budgeting.
He cannot force you to stay home. Go back to work.
Thatās not normal sweetheart, thatās abusive. You need to leave him. Being a SAHM should ALWAYS be your choice. You wouldnāt be left without access to money. Heās the one thatās fucked up sweetheart. Please leave him. I had an ex partner like this, kids and I are SO SO SO much happier living apart from him!
If he is the one who āmadeā you stay homeā¦thatās a problem in itself.
He Sounds like a condescending controlling ASShat.
You are not being selfishā¦ you are willing to work and that says a great deal to the integrity of your characterā¦ in my opinion your SO is being controlling and that raises red flagsā¦ perhaps he needs to seek therapy in helping him deal with his childhood issuesā¦?
He sounds like a toolā¦ Definitely not normal.
He is controlling youā¦if you want to work, go get a job and hire a sitter. If he doesnāt agree to it tell him things are going to change one way or the other. He gives more freedom/money, whatever you may be wanting or he can stay home. No if, ands, or buts. He isnāt your parent. He is your partner. Partners have equal rights.
Not normal! Heās a controling A$$!!! No way would i stand for it.
This is sad. Iām sorry that you are going through this. Find a side hustle to make extra money for the things that you want and need. Pick something that you enjoy doing and make some cash. No one should be made to feel not worthy of basic wants and needs.
My husband provides everything. But the money is ours. I can do what I want and he does what he wants. Iām a SAHM by choice but that doesnāt matter. He pays all bills and we still get things we both want. Its a partnership, that sounds like financial abuse. Once youāre in a partnership the money is OURS not mine or yours.
I seen this on the website hope that helps ā¦
A wife has the legal right to secure basic amenities and comfortāfood, clothes, residence, education and medical treatmentā for herself and her children from the husband. So, understand that as a homemaker, you should not have to ask your husband for money; he is bound by law to provide it to you.
No thatās not ok. I worked and made pretty decent money as well until we realized I was missing out on our kids lives and I decided to stay home with them. First I babysat for money and now Iām solely sah. But I pay all the bills, and we each get $100 spending money for 2 wks and when thatās gone its gone. The extra is in the bank and thatās for gas, his cigarettes, etc. But he needs to let you do finances
Are you married? If you arenāt you need to move on. This isnāt good for for are your children. You will start to hate him.
Get a job or he can hire you as childcare provider. Makes no sense for him to demand you stay home for mainly his sake but is not willing to provide what you are sacrificing.
Iām kinda in a similar situation. Iām pregnant with our first baby and we always have kinda split the bills but I started going to school and stopped working but I couldnāt stand asking him for money that and school combined was stressing me out so bad that I just decided to drop out and get a job so I didnāt have to ask him for money but idk what we are gonna do when the baby is born it shouldnt be his money vs her money
No it is not normal behavior. Itās normal to have disagreements on finances yes, but this is not right. Iād say he either needs therapy for his issues so he can move past it and realize you two are partners, not roommates or leave him and then he doesnāt have the choice to manipulate you
My husband is the main provider for our family. So I can stay home with our 3 children. We both have access to the banking. His money is our money. Iām allowed to get whatever I need after things are paid. Your SO sounds controlling. You should be a TEAM on everything. Sounds like heās making all the calls. Go get a job, if he doesnt like that he can stay at home with the kids.
My SO provides for our family plus he gives me $200 a week to spend on whatever I need. Im also a SAHM
I am a sahm and my husband is constantly telling me to try to not spend too much money or to let him know if I or the kids need anything. Heās always been very frugal. But he doesnāt deny me basic necessities. What your husband is doing is controlling you, go back to work and put your kids in daycare.
Iām sahm and I still provide for my family. He the doesnāt do anything for his kids. Only thing he does get sometimes is take out food. Instead of buying his kinder a new touch screen laptop for 400 he bought $1700 65 inch tvš” .
I can not stress this enough . It is YALLS MONEY . I donāt care how long you stay at home with yāallās kids . First of all you are staying home with your kids all day and THAT IS A WHOLE 24/7 full time job . And especially since he wanted you to stay home instead of work heās he should be giving you money as long as yāallās bills are takin care of then he should have no issue with handing you over money to do what you olease with . You are not the selfish one and do not let him make you feel that way . I was once in that sit and never had money and was told to stay home with kids and that it wasnāt my money etc. he either needs to let you have some money or Iād be putting them kids in daycare and go get me a job
My husband works, I stay home. Only one of us knows how much money is in āourā account, the same person who pays the bills and makes sure everyone in our familyās needs are met, and itās not him. Your husband is in the wrong on this.
Iām a single mother to 2 beautiful little girls. I donāt get a penny from there dad but I do my best to support both my girls, run a house and treat them both. If you want to work then work, id love to be able to get a job, have more money for me and my girls but thatās just not possible for me sadly. You do you, he just needs to understand youāre human to, not just mum.
Thatās really controlling and not okay! Iām a SAHM and all money goes to a joint account between us & always has. Even before kids we have always shared our money, it all goes into one pot and is/has always been, our money. Weāve just always personally preferred it that way. I organise the bills and finances/keeping track of them simply because I am more organised that way, but financial decisions are always made together. My husband has never begrudged me buying anything from clothing, spending money on going out with friends or getting my hair done etc. If anything he is actually the one who encourages it and iām the one who hesitates to do those things for myself. He respects me and appreciates that my role with the kids & in the home, means that he is able to go out to work and provide financially without worrying about anything else. We see each other as equal and support each other, yes in different ways, but appreciating what the other is contributing x
This is a form of abuse. I would look for a job you can do from home and then hire a nanny. Or another college student even to babysit at your home for you. Or put them in daycare and tell him your going back to work. Period.
Heās being extremely controlling, he doesnāt want you to work because heās afraid of daycare but he treats you like a second class citizen when it comes to money, itās enough. Time for you to take a stand, if you have to put the kids in daycare then do so, if he doesnāt like it, he can stay home with them and you go out and make the money and decide how much he gets.
I send myself money from my husbands PayPal account. lol
Wow! My SO is the provider and I stay home 24/7. His money is OUR money. He makes that clear to me. We do this together! Girl u need to get away that sounds so controlling to meā¦ your running the home and he brings in the money! Itās a team!
First of all if heās dead set against daycare, is he willing to give everything up and stay home with your children so you can work and support the family? Itās controlling and wrong. You are making a sacrifice for your childrenās best interest and he is punishing you for it. You deserve time alone and money to spend if you need it. I am fortunate that I get to stay at home with my kids mon-fri and work two nights a week as an RN on the weekend. My paycheck pays 85% of the bills and supports our family. My husband works 40 hours a week because he wants to contribute, and makes a fraction of my wages. A relationship is give and take. If this is happening now, what does your future hold? It doesnāt bode well and eventually things will come to a head. Get a grip on it now, or it will only get worse. I hope that you can find some middle ground with him and some r&r for yourself.
Thats complete control. My husband begs me to get things for myself and for me to take time when i need it (or NO ONE is happy if im feeling overwhelmed). He is selfish in not caring for you, your mental stability, and if its his money then he needs to be able to supplement your income in what you would normally spend on yourself or he can back off and let you get a job.
please sometimes controls the finances and I sometimes control the finances Iāll tell him what needs to be paid and heāll say okay pay it and sometimes heāll just go ahead and pay it I donāt ask for much but he will always provide and it all I got to say is do you have the bank card or do I.if we have the money then I go out and sometimes I spend it sometimes we save we live paycheck to paycheck but my husband got a better job with a better pay raise so that should change soon but that sounds like you need to take a stand for something because yes he might have had a bad experience but if you guys donāt have enough money to pay bills thatās something that needs to be talked about you have to keep borrowing money from your mom thatās something that needs to be talked about
Not normal thats practically abuse.
Look up financial abuse. Thatās what it sounds like to me.
My husband runs his company and i stay home with our three kids. If i need something no matter what it is he gives me the money to buy it. U should never have to beg for money or for a little you time. Thatās controlling and unfair. It could bring a lot of resentment in the future if it isnāt addressed now.
I say if youād want to change you have to be the one to change it. Iād start by kicking him to the curb
Thatās called financial abuse and I would either have a firm talk with him about it, or find a way to become independent without him.
What he is doing is abusive and you donāt deserve to have him treat that way. You are not a child. And what he is doing is not normal.
U wonāt change him. He is being controlling and Iām sure u know this. Would you want ur children to live that way? No. Might want to see if ur mom will let u and kids stay until u have a cpl pay checks in and get a place for u and the kids. Put them in daycare- u can get help with that.
Sounds like a control issue on his part! You arenāt the maid and nanny you are his wife and mother of his children! If he insists you stay home with the kids then he needs to be sure your needs are met. I would make it clear you are going back to work if a mutual agreement canāt be made that pleases everyone! Do not keep yourself in a miserable situation like that!
Itās OUR money and we have both taken our turns being the ones to stay home over the last 5 years and now that our youngest is about to be school aged, I am going to school and I help my husband in his business. He regularly comments and shows gratitude to me because he didnāt like being home, he recognizes that itās probably harder work than working outside of the home, or just more stressful and less rewarding anyway lol. And so he helps me a lot at home and he picks up wherever we may need, always! And as far as the money, he rarely spends on himself, if he does itās usually business related stuff, tools to make his job easier really, he feels if myself or the kids want something he wants to give it to us and Iāve actually seen this man in great pain over feeling he canāt provide everything we want and need all the time which is heartbreaking to me because he is so amazingš So no I do not think youāre selfish and yes I think his behavior is abnormal. I understand his concerns about daycare but there are options out there and this is a him problem so either go to therapy and deal with whatever he went through or pound the pavement to find a safe daycare option! If he was asking you to stay home and actually providing that would be 1 thing but heās not doing that and as a mom, we do so much, you NEED to be able to take care of yourself to feel human here and there, itās important!
Even when my SO and I were separated, weād still send each other money when needed.
Sounds like yāall need counseling.
Bills should be a couple thing along with the money . Talking about bills and money and how it should be spent. That being said if he is paying all the bills you should get grocery and a basic house hold money for yourself and kids
That being said I knew a couple that lived thier whole live this way , she never wanted for anything. When he passed suddenly shehad no idea about bank accounts or what was owed . She had never paid a light bill, water bill, taxes ,car insurance, . It was kind of sad but she figured it out
You need to do what you feel is right. Some guys have control issues! Sounds like he looks out for himself on his wants. This only gets worse and you lose time with your career.
Honestly seems like owner ship vs a relationship. My so and my money is always OUR money. Regardless of who makes more or not. And we make compromises and spoil the kids and each other but always put bills first. Sometimes itās hard but we always think about asking if we think weāll be ok if we do purchase something
He doesnāt give me money lol. I have what I need but thatās about it he never just gives me money
Are YOU being selfish?
NO!
He IS!!
selfĀ·ish:
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with oneās own personal profit or pleasure.
SELFISH =
Heās making you stay at home. (Lack of consideration for how hard that is alone, not to mention you gave up a working role and your own money)
Wont give you any money. (concerned chiefly with oneās own personal profit or pleasure. And you can never have any money for your own pleasures)
Wont discuss options. (Controlling!)
You should NOT have to ask your mother! He is making you feel like shit about yourself when you have to go to your parent and not your husband!
Itās YALLS money because being a mom is a FULL TIME JOB!
My husband is the only provider in our house but the money he makes we decide together how to spend it.
My husband is the sole provider but I have access to the account. I just donāt make big purchases without his knowledge
I am currently a SAHM, we discuss all of our bills and what we can and canāt afford. We write down what is due at what times of the month and figure it out. Fortunately I have someone that really manages his money and if I ask for certain things he is honest about if we can or canāt afford it, with that being said some things like me getting my hair done, nails done etc is put on the back burner and that is ok.
I remind myself that this isnāt a āforeverā thing so I cherish every part of it. Not saying that I donāt have bad days, but Iām glad Iām home safe with my kids right now.
Iām newly a SAHM so it is a struggle, but you should be able to openly talk to your partner about finances and what you need/want and if you really can/canāt afford that.
Prayers to you
My husband works fulltime in a good job, an i receive UC to top up the monthly income. Every month he pays our rent, and any money i need outwith that i only have to ask & he givesā¦ the UC comes in the following week after he gets paid so he seeās to the rent & Tv / Broadband bill, i see to the Gas / Electric & shoppingā¦ then if heās a bit short before his next payday i help him outā¦ we donāt see it as āHis Money / My Moneyāā¦ its the āHouseāsā moneyā¦ we have 2 daughters so if they need anything it gets provided for, no matter whoās bank account it comes from!
No Iām in charge of the household so Iām in charge of finances all bills go through me everything is in my nameā¦ Iām not working so my SO provides in that he gives me x amount of money to cover bills and groceries if I want something I save from what he gives me. Heās horrible at keeping up with bills and other odd stuff Iām a wicked pain in the butt if itās not paid a day or two in advance lol we work perfectly together. Be vocal about it and state how you feel. If something isnāt working tell him and if heās unwilling to budge then guess what go back to work and tell him to suck it up. Most people need two incomes and daycares arenāt what they were like 30 years ago.
Iām a sahm and my husband works. I have worked before but donāt now. We share a bank account and I pay the bills. We discuss if one of us wants to make a purchase ( even a small one). It something that HAS to be talked about, there really is no way around that.
Sounds pretty familiar. Exactly like my partner. So I got a job starting when he gets off work till later in the night. 5-10pm
Itās wrong of them to behave that way.
I have full access to everything. Iām on the bank, have a debit card, etc. I usually tell him when Iām going to buy something for the sole fact of I usually get excited about what I bought but nothing is kept from me.
Your husband sounds controlling and like he has some issues.
My question is why are you allowing this?? I stay home and we share a bank account. It was this way when we were broke, and now that we arenāt. I was usually the one yelling about spending, but I never said he couldnāt use OUR money. And Iāll tell you what, heād never walk the same again if he thought about telling me that I canāt spend HIS money. The only reason he has that money is because I stay home and take care of the kids! Fuck that noise. Why do women put up with this shit? Take the money out of the account and tell him he can have an allowance because heās not being responsible with the familyās money. Or sign the kids up for daycare and go get you a new job! Whatās he gonna do? He can pull them out, thatās fine. You got a job to go to, so he can stay home with the kids, or call his mom to watch them, or leave them home alone. Thatās on him. Youāre gonna be too busy at work to worry about what he does with the kids.
You let this be about him. I suggest you stop doing that. If that means he walks out, then at least you donāt have to worry about what he thinks about you getting a job anymore. Iām not saying itās that easy, but you set the bar, and either he meets it or he can piss off.
Why do you think you donāt deserve an equal partner in life?? You should see a therapist about that as soon as you kick his abusive ass to the curb and get a job.
If he is asking you to stay home and take care of the kids and he is bringing home the paycheck that should be both of your money, not just his. That is controlling behavior. I can only work 2 days a week because of my kids. My husband pays all the bills for our house, and I keep the money I make for stuff for me and the kids. If for some reason I need extra money and he has it he will always give it to me! This system works for us. If I couldent work, I know he would always make sure I am taken care of first and have what I need.
We share a bank account so I have complete access to OUR money. But we also discuss most purchases, nothing frivolous
My partner works and covers the rent and ahopping if were short and i cover everything else im a sahm to 3 under 5 the eldest is in reception though xxx
Your relationship is a bit one sided. Who made him King. Get that job and if he doesnāt like it, let him quit his to watch the kids. Itāll never happen but try it. Girl, life is too short.
Iām a sahm and am married to my so. I make sure the bills get paid on time and take care of house hold chores as well as cooking, our ten chickens and out household petsā¦ if I wanna get my hair done I do, I spoil my self every couple weeks and get gell nail fills. But weāre married and I havenāt worked since he joined the militaryā¦ and not since heās been out cuz my son isnāt school age. Tell him to get the fuck over his Trojan horse and let you do what you can with the moneyā¦ as long as bills are taken care of and you manage the money well whatās his dealā¦ youāre not an employee you are supposed to be partnersā¦ I never understood how a SO could treat the stay at home parent like this! If I was an au pair Iād be getting paid bank for all the things I take care of but Iām not an au pair Iām a mom and I enjoy taking care of our home and child and because of that my husband doesnāt mind my treating myself if the priorities are taken care of and he shouldnt mind either! Especially if he refuses to let you work!
Every household has different ways of doing things at home and financially. Iām only working part time 4 hours a night closing sonic which is just a little extra a week to help but up until a few weeks ago I hadnāt worked in awhile and hubby had been doing everything on his own but he got me anything I ever needed and still does even if I have the money, anything I want (which I donāt really ask him for anything I donāt need THINGS) and thereās been times heās just given me a $50 from his paycheck to use all on myself because at the time I was taking care of everything at our home and he told me I deserved it and appreciates everything I do for our family and it does go both ways. Itās not his job to just give you money but your the mom, you stay and make your house a home, you take care of everything in the house including his dirty clothes and everything like that probably so if he takes care of the bills and everything he should still be taking care of your wants and needs no matter what.
My husband doesnāt trust daycares so we have our Moms and our siblings and our older nieces and and nephews watch our kids. Heās always given me money to do whatever I want with and never complained when I wanted to go back to work. He had me take over the finances more then once and he takes them over if Iām stressed. Itās supposed to be a partnership, if itās not you might need to consider some counseling.
Thatās financial abuse
YOU find childcare and go back to work so you can take care of YOU. If he doesnt like it, HE can stay home. a marriage isnt just āwhatever the husband says goesā
My husband is the one that works, and yes he likes to buy what he wants but he makes sure to ask if I need or want anything and he makes sure our 3 kids are provided for 1st.
Thatās not okayā¦ Iām a home-momma and my husband doesnāt touch the moneyā¦ I work with the finances. Iāll always ask him what he needs or wants, and he expects me to get myself and kids anything that we would needā¦ And he never complainsā¦ I would sometimes say, hope you donāt mind but I bought thisā¦ And heād look at my like I had two headās, and ask me, why on earth would I mind? I never got the whole," this is mine, thatās yours" in a marriage
I provide fully for my household because Iām the only parent in it. He should understand you need to get out a little too & take care of yourself. I donāt think youāre being selfish. There should be some sort of compromise here.
Thereās a law against that in the uk. Itās called controlling and coercive behaviour ( comes under the domestic abuse act)
Sounds like a boy not a man. No way in hell I would deal with that. I stay home and get spoiled. I have a debit and credit card he pays for and I get anything and everything I want and need. Dump him and find a real man.
Um why us he your husband
Start charging him for childcare. Check the going rate for daycare in your area and charge him a discounted rate.
I feel sorry for women like this, Iām so lucky I have a husband that is super calm we never argue and we both share the money and Iām stay at home mom we always get Billās paid but hes never greedy neither am i we have 5 kids and married , Iām just super lucky to have a great husband with alot support and love
Heās controlling and has serious issues
My ex husband tried to be like this but I wouldnāt tolerate it. When h we told me āall my friends get to keep their checkā I told him to go live with all his friends. The marriage was a partnership and if he wouldnāt give JUST AS MUCH as I did, t here was no marriage. He resented me mightily for it, hence part of the reason heās an ex.
Get a night job. Its hard but I did it for two years. Work when the kids sleep.