Im a stay at home mom too, everything is OURS. That’s how it should be, especially if you’re raising his children.
You aren’t selfish. Many women want abd need to work for their mental health and identity. You have a right to be upset because you aren’t being allowed to be independent and are stuck. Every relationship and household is different but If he won’t even discuss budgeting and what needs to happen I don’t think things are going to get better for you. It’s not “his” money . Money issues are a nightmare. Good luck.
My husband worked so I could stay home with our kids when they were younger. Once they got into school full time I had a job while they were in school based on their hours for extra cash. But he has always handled everything and anything. Now we had a 4th kid(our 3rd is 8already) I’m home again, which works out cause covid and my older children being home. But If I want to go to lunch with friends- he will give me the cash, there is never an argument or anything. And anything for the kids he gives the money. Groceries, bills, spending cash, he knows I deserve it i am home raising our children, cooking dinner, keeping house ect and he knows its harder here than at his job!
That is him controlling you. I am a SAHM and always have been. My husband makes all of the money and literally touches none of it. I do what needs done and whatever I want with the rest. He never complains about it and it has worked for 18 years!
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I would just tell him unless he lets you help handle the finances and stop saying it’s his money then you are going back to work and the kids are going to daycare like it or not. He can’t stop you. That way you will have your own money.
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I’ve been a sahm for 5 years now… my husband works and provides everything we need and more. We’re married, so we have a joint bank account… I never have to ask for anything, because its OUR money, we chose to get married to EACHOTHER and become one. We also chose to have children. I’m completely mind blown that married couples keep separate bank accounts and “split” the Bill’s, or have to ask the other for money… when you get married you create a life TOGETHER, not separate.
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Work at home there are plenty of jobs that have flexible schedules or make your own hours. Some don’t even require phones.
My husband shared his money with me even before we were married. I was then a sahm for 10 years before getting s part time job because i needed some time out of the house. His money has always been our money same with mine. We have a joint account. In 16 years together I’ve never once had to explain where money went.
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Uhm… just get a job and put the kids in daycare. If he doesn’t like that he can watch them
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I’m a stay at home mom and have been since February. My boyfriend writes me a $300 check at the end of every month-it goes towards gas, anything extra the kids need, as well I take one day a month my mom watches my youngest while my oldest is in school and I go have a mom break weather it be go get my nails done, go out to eat lunch with a friend or go back home and deep clean kid free!
I love the person who said charge him for daycare! To be logical though lol does he just not make enough to have extra money? If thats the case then 
but if he’s just being a selfish prick then you need to tell him to either give you something or to put the kids in daycare so you can work or he can stay home and watch the kids and you can work and have all the $ lol we share our money i make more and pay the big bills so im usually asking him for money because my checks pay for literally everything
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You need to squirrel away grocery money and any extra you can and leave. This sounds more like you’re a prisoner not a SAHM!
I could have wrote this my husband always makes me feel bad by saying he has to pay for everything and its his money and always questioned me if I ask for money but he gambles and drinks every weekend
Go back to work. He doesn’t own you. Put the kids in daycare and go to work.
Not normal SAHM stuff. My husband works and I stay home with our kids. He pays the bills and still lets me spend money on things I want or need. My husband hardly touches any of the money. He has me pay the bills and then spend money on things we/the kids need and on household necessities. I babysit on the side too which gives me a few extra hundred per month to do whatever with.
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Nah, we’re in a partnership. It’s our money period. And Bill’s always come first and then food and clothes for our children. If anything is leftover we do what we want with it, weather saving it or getting something that we want. But the point is we do it together, and talk about it together. When we married, we entered a partnership together.
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does he give me money? absolutely not because everything is OURS. Our house, our kids, our bank account, our cars. You have every right to be upset, I definitely would be!
Did you agree to the kids not going to child care before you had kids ? He seems like an ass I would very much leave get a job and do your own thing with your own money.
I’ve been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My husband works full time, and provides for the family. His checks are deposited in our joint checking account. We make sure that all the bills are paid (he deals with half, I deal with half). We check with the other if we want to make a big purchase, but otherwise, it’s our money. Not his. Not mine. OURS
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When I was a sahm I was on the bank account so I could spend go grocery shopping. Have you thought about working at a daycare? Normally you get discounted child care and you get to be with your kids so you know whats going on
My perspective is from the opposite side. I work and he stays home with the kids because he is supporting me and my career. My paycheck is not mine…its for our family. I ask him when I want to spend and he asks me too. We hardly say no to each other with money. It sounds like your husband is being extremely selfish. This is really your choice, not his. Because if he’s not willing to sacrifice and stay home then he should have no say. Find a babysitter and look for a job.
I work pt. But even tho I still work it goes to some bills and kids… my spouse still gives me money for things we need or if I need something to help do something myself… it sounds like you are financially abused… thats not good, you need to do stuff for you or your never gunna get out and it could get worse!
I’m a SAHM… with that being said if yall are in a relationship his money is your money too… my hubby gets things that I want sometimes if we have the money for it… but bills come first then kids needs… i find myself never getting things like clothes but I have plenty to wear would I like something else sometimes yes… in a sense I feel it is selfish to think that he needs to get hair and nails done thats not a necessity… if its personal items yes he is to be providing that for you… so i guess this can be seen as both not selfish and selfish if he isn’t providing necessities then you need to get out fast… but if you are upset about wants then I feel like you are out a bit out of line. Not saying you shouldn’t pamper youself just that in my experience I can use that nail money (35+) hair money (depending on what’s done can be a 100 bucks) on something that is a need and not a want…
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Mine works and provides everything for our household. It’s not “his money” though. He says it’s “our money”. When we have the extra money, he tries to make sure I get things I want, but personally, I’d much rather my kids have things they want/need, so I usually go without.
I am a stay at home mom mostly I do clean vacation rentals on Saturday and actually make good money doing it. All Our money all goes in an account that we both have debit cards for. I usually keep up with bills and what is gonna get paid each week. We do ask if the purchase is big but other than that we just do what we do lol.
I’ve been exactly where you are.
He is a control freak and I know you want to think things will change for the better but I am sorry, they don’t.
Had to leave with my kids to a shelter it got so bad.
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He’s selfish… And if it’s such a huge issue for him to have kids home tell him to quit his job n he stay home. Or just throw the whole man away he sounds like one big red flag
Once the kids were all in school id get a job. Let him suck it up. A way to control u. Will only get worse.
Why not just work opposite shifts? Or do a work from hime job. And he should be giving you pocket money.
Sounds like its a control thing with him…
Im at stay at home mom and I dont feel that way. My bf encourages me to go out with friends take time for me. Its our money not his money.
If I was you I’d put my foot down and tell him to be a stay at home dad while you take care of all the financial stuff and let him see how much he enjoys it. He sounds controlling for starters. If he doesn’t want his kids in daycare tell him to stay home and care for them.
I’m not a sahm anymore but when I was i paid all the bills. His checks go in a joint account he doesn’t even look at it he allowed me to spend any money on myself as long as the bills were paid. Now that I work. He still doesn’t know how much he even makes it goes into our account same with my money I pay all the bills and then we get stuff for the kids or ourselves as needed. We don’t even argue about money he let’s me do what I want with it as long as the bills are paid
Are you sure he’s your husband?
Sounds like a father to me. A marriage is a partnership
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Everything is ours! He makes the majority of the money, I have been a SAHM for last 5 years just working for events here and there. He makes it, I pay the bills with it. We both decide if we save or spend what’s left on needs or wants. We don’t ask each other, we just let each other know. When I make money it goes into our account too. Just like I take care of the kids all day but when he comes home he gets involved and lends a hand too. I wouldn’t be able to live like that! I’d take them babies to daycare and go to work! If he don’t like it then he needs to take care of you too, not just kids and bills.
I’m sorry but if he is the one strongly opposed to daycare he should be a stay at home dad then and you work your good job. You shouldn’t be forced into this kind of financial abuse because of his discomfort with daycare.
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He doesn’t own you and if you want to go back to work you should, whether he likes it or not. Its not his decision.
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When I was a SAHM, his paycheque still went into the same joint account, to which I have full access to spend what I want, when I want.
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That’s an abusive relationship. If he’s that controlling, get out now
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I was a STAHM for 3 years, never once did I have to “ask”… we had joint accounts and I spent what I wanted and needed. We spoke about budgets but he didn’t bat an eye if I spent money on myself. It’s hard to save on one income and now I can work again we still have joint accounts and just budget together. It’s a partnership not an employment contract.
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This could be a form of financial abuse. Honestly you deserve some form of allowance for lack of better words
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Hell no. That’s controlling.
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Not cool and not normal at all!!! When I was a sahm my hubby let me do whatever with the money if we had it no questions asked before we were married even and it was only the one kid my kid his step kid he took care of both of us no questions asked!!! Then we had another little guy together and still never questions asked we had a joint bank account before we were married as well…I’ve got a friend in a similar situation and she’s been in it for years he’s never changed and it’s never gotten better it’s sad…but he’s definitely trying to control you and it’s not ok!!! Maybe discuss in home childcare instead of an actual daycare…it’s less expensive and there’s many moms who stay home and watch kids if u want to go back to work…if not then yes I’d sit him down and give him an ultimatum of some sort!!! Sorry that you’re having to go through this mama virtual hugs!!!
I have my own credit card for my expenses that he pays. I haven’t used it yet. I’m actually the saver and he’s the spender. I hate asking for extras, but it’s nice to know there’s money there if I want something.
I provide everything in my household…,BUT I don’t just give my gf money …I do once in awhile give her a few bucks… But my situation is a lil different, I am always trying to get thru to her she’s 47 yo…I’m not wanting to be the sole support…and don’t understand how any woman can be content depending on anyone to take care of them…if your s/o is actually broke and never having money… U would think he’d be wanting u to go work… Hell I make over 4g a month n still have a hard time keeping up w just the two of us however I always try to have at least a CPL hundred at any given time in bank
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Sounds like financial abuse to me.
His money is ours, I’m also a stay at home mom and have been for three years. He should either get over his fear of daycares or give you the handle on finances. That includes money for you to spend on yourself.
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This is financial abuse. It should be your shared money for both of you. Your also working to raise the kids, you kust dont get paid for it.
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I’m in a similar situation, he’s abusive, ususally it only gets worse as time goes on. You could try counseling if he’ll go but honestly its probably best to leave before you spend too much of your life with him. After 8 years of me spending every second of my life providing 100% of the children’s care so he could build his business he bought a house with his parents instead of me. Don’t make the same mistake I did, leave if you can.
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Girl. That is NOT normal!
Just put your child in daycare and go to work if thats what you want. Thats not a supportive partner. If he wants to argue and split up over it so be it. Went through this with my first sons dad. Wouldn’t even buy me feminine products… kicked that loser to the curb. My now fience and I share everything. We have a card to eachothers accounts which will combine soon. That behaviour is disgusting
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Im at stay at home mom and my husband says that the money is his because he works. I control the finances and im allowed to get whatever the baby or I need. Also, if there’s anything that I want, I always discuss it first with him and after the bills are paid.
It sounds more like he wants to control what you do rather then him being worried about the kids being in daycare. As other moms have stated, if he feels so strongly about the kids not being in daycare he should stay home with them. Him arguing that it’s “his money” is the biggest red flag…from personal experience, get out before things get worse.
This is toxic. Go back to work mama.
Just No! Go back to work and put them in daycare if that’s what you want and if he doesn’t like it then he can stay home with them. You tried it his way and it’s not working. He’s being controlling and you’re allowing it, he can only get away with what you allow.
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Its called financial abuse. Can u work at a daycare where your kids can be in also maybe.
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Didnt read the whole thing but nope my bd doesnt support at all because hes a lazy bum
I was a sahm for almost 18 years. I NEVER had to ask for money!
This is 
ABUSE:sparkles:.
It’s called financial abuse, not only that but he is extremely controlling. This is so wrong.
My husband and I have a joint account and I am a stay at home mom with no income. What’s his is mine and what’s mine is his.
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That is domestic violence (financial abuse), at the very least get into couples counseling.
When I was on pregnancy leave and was not making any money my husband at the time was providing for us and he would give me atleast $150 a month to spend on me or whatever I wanted to do with it.
This is financial abuse x wishing you all the best. Everything you have said indicates he has complete control over you, and he has created that situation by using daycare as an excuse, withholding money from you and you not being able to work. You deserve better than this.
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I don’t get crap and my baby is almost 3 months old ,I told him F you I’m going back to work and her grandma said she will watch her , I’m tired of not having money and feeling stuck and like shit 24/7 . Go back to work !!
I’m a SAHM, as if April this year.
The money that comes into our home is OURS, no matter who brings it home.
He pays bills, I buy stuff for the house, kids, the animals and us.
If I want to spend more than $100, like when I color my hair, I let him know. He does the same if he’s going to spend that much.
But there’s never “this is my money”… it’s ours. He works outside of the home and I work within it.
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I was a SAHM for 10 years, didn’t ever get me time or money, but had everything I needed. Just recently started working too and now I just get what I want. My situation was a little different because we financially just couldn’t afford to spare a dime with just him working.
I take care of all the bills and he brings in the money and some bills we pay together and I get to spoil myself for all my hard work with nails if we can afford it. This is financial abuse and I would seek out help immediately or leave and get into a safe space financially and tell him he either needs to cut back at work and care for the kids on his time or start paying an allowance for your hard work ib supporting his career with free childcare, personal shopper, and maid.
That’s called financial abuse.
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NO not normal!!! That is controlling behavior. I am a SAHM I control our finances but when we first got married he did and he always made sure to show me where the money was going and make sure I had money for the things I needed or our children.
YOU are ABSOLUTELY NOT being selfish.
Depending on what he makes and your monthly bills if there is left over then you shouldn’t have to ask other people for money.
No this is abuse and financial control!
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That’s not normal at all. I’m a SAHM and my husband provides everything. I do all of our finances.
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Not normal, I’m a STAHM and my husband provides for us and we have a joint bank account so that I can get my wants/needs. He also gives me a break on his days off so I can do what I want or need to do.
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Before you can live as a unit, you must agree what that unit is and what it does. If you are to stay home with the kids, then you need to have all needs met, on his paycheck. If you and he are married and have children together, his paycheck is now the finances for the whole family. That money must provide for all of the family members. Period. If he makes enough money for the bills to all be paid and for food to be bought ,then you need to talk about the other costs that go into staying home with the kids. The little things that add up to make your life (and theirs) livable, enjoyable and worth living. Put a dollar amount on it if necessary. If he doesn’t make enough money for all of these things, then it makes no sense what so ever for you to stay home. Period. If he can’t pay for these things, at the amounts given, then more money needs to be brought into the home. It is not fair to anyone for him to call the family’s finances “his money”. You should not be using aid from school for household items. Your mother doesn’t need and shouldn’t be supporting your family. Come to an agreement about the costs of the household and either use the money he earns or you must go back to work. I’m not even going to go into his opinion on daycare.
Yeah your SO is an ass hole. Same for anyone else’s SO who pulls shit like this.
I am a STAHM during Covid due to my health issues. My husband allows me money every week, plus my unemployment currently. He pays the bills and keeps what he needs for when he is out of town for work. We lost my $5k a month income when i was diagnosed with cancer and because of Covid it’s unsafe for me to return. It was a big hit but we adjusted to still cover all necessities and allow us both extra.
I think he needs to understand you have wants/needs and he is not meeting those. If he feels it’s HIS money tell him to stay at home, you go back to work and give him nothing because it is YOUR money!
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Leave now that is financial abuse.
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Retourne travaille .les enfants sont biens en garderie avec des copains pour jouer .
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My husband gives me anything I want or need mostly. If we can afford it so to say. He isn’t stingy with the money at all and says it’s our money. We both own our painting business and I groom dogs from home also. Sounds like your husband needs a talking to. My husband also had a bad experience in his childhood and didn’t want our son to go to daycare and I completely agree. Too many bad things could happen.
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This is called financial abuse. I’ve been there done that got stronger. Tell him you need to find a job, if he isn’t willing to compromise with daycare, there’s OTHER options, for example working the opposite shift, or working from home. I personally work from home with Amazon and have done so for years and love it. You can also try some of those companies where you sell products (I did that for a bit), or if you’re crafty start your own!
That sounds very controlling. We have a joint bank account, and we each have our own debit card. We spend what we want, within reason. Big purchases we discuss, but if I want to get my hair done, or buy something, I just do it, same with him
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My bf and I both work. And we have separate accounts. But his money is my money. My money is his money. We buy groceries then split the bill. We split EVERYTHING. We talk to each other about spending frivolously. I dont understand why couples won’t work with their better half on money issues.
My bf wants me to be a stay at home mom and says he will provide for me but when I was staying home with our son and needed things he’d make a big deal and say all I want is his money even though I just needed hygiene products and clothes that fit after the baby was born. I was sick and tired of being afraid to ask for anything so I got a job and will never ever depend on him again.
Im a sahm mon and i take care of the finances no problem…i need money he either gets it from the atm or gives me his card or i use his credit card. Definitely not normal what he is doing. Yes he works but that is the “family” money. Tell him either he stops or u will go to work and get “your” money.
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That is not normal. That is a control freak. I also left my job last year to be home more often with my son and my husband let’s me do my own little stuff to get money in. He pays for everything, I only cover the school fees which is not a lot of money. All my extra money that I make from my small business which he allows me to do. Not that I need his permission, I use for doing my nails and hair and coffee dates with friends.
This is a controlling relationship where you’ve been trapped as a SAHM.
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If he can make decisions without consulting you or your needs and feelings you can do the same. If he won’t provide extra then you need to get a job and do it yourself and it’s not up for discussion.
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Start applying for jobs. I wouldn’t even ask him. I’d be telling him. If it’s “his” money. Then your gonna get yours to do what you want with. He can either give you some money every other week or he can help pay for the child care that he’s so against. 
My fiance does the same thing I wanna work but he makes good money to pay the rent, bills, get our household stuff, our pets food and he still has money left over. I got to the point of me not getting money for things I want and need I told him that if he gives me at least $50 a month I wouldn’t complain and so far he has given me money.
Sounds like he’s way too controlling. I’d leave
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I stay at home… His paycheck goes into our joint account. As long as the bills are paid he doesn’t care what I do with the rest. 
We have equal access to funds as we need/want. I take care of the bills (money stresses him out) and out of curiosity we tell each other when we spend more than $50.
I know some couples who have like a " $200 spending allowance" that they can spend without talking to each other about it
You need Freedom but you also are accountable to each other when you’re in a relationship
I don’t necessarily think I am qualified to judge someone else’s marriage, but I do not think that sounds completely normal. When I was a stay at home mom, all the money was community money. I felt like I had equal access to the finances as my then-husband did.
Sounds like control to me
I’m a SAHM. I also watch my nephew 5 days a week. Before I started watching my nephew and making money, I never had to ask my bf for money. He just gave me his bank card and I was in charge of getting groceries or whatever our son needed and whatever I needed. I was responsible with the money he worked so hard to get and never blew it. It feels like he is controlling you by not letting you help or giving you money. Even with the $500 I make a month babysitting my nephew, I still give my bf some of my money to help pay the bills, even though he says I dont have to and its my money I earned, I still do just because I wanna help with whatever bills we have. Tell him how you feel and tell him things need to change and you want a job.
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hes abusing you. It’s a form of abuse 
I’m a stay at home mom. I help with what I can with his own business he runs.
He hands me cash for whatever we need/want. But also pays my bills for me and has me on payroll for a little spending money.
We are not married. But have been together 10 years.
I say you need to do what makes you happy. He doesn’t have 100% say over your life. Its a partnership not one sided.
That sounds like a controlling emotionally abusive partner and i would run!
I’m a SAHM and my husband and I have a joint account solely for me and the kids. Groceries, make up, clothes, etc. It’s for me to use. I always ask if it’s big, unnecessary purchases, but he’s very adamant that it’s OUR money. Being a SAHM is a job.
Go get a job, make your own money and he can pay half of daycare 
This is called financial abuse. With that said you have some options: counseling for him (the daycare situation needs resolved even if your kids don’t go to daycare), couples counseling for communication and respect. And/or you can go back to work with a sitter or daycare for the children. Or, you can leave with the kids and get back on your own feet. Ultimately, this is your decision as to whether or not you want to try and see if he is willing to shift his mindset.
I’ve been in your shoes, I had to leave and it was hard, but worth it. You deserve access to money and it doesn’t matter if he is the only one working outside the home. Good luck
I had a husband like that…I divorced him. It was a control tactic.
No that is not normal. Sounds like financial abuse . I am a stay at home mom , my husband’s check goes to our joint account and I handle finances from there.
I hadto leave my ex of 14 years because he had a record couldn’t find a job I made more. And when he did work he would give me a little here and there to buy little things just wasnt enough it should be 50/50 both people should work both should split the bills etc. Your taking care if a grown man girl! And his taking advantage …
The fact your first complaint is he won’t let you get your hair done is pretty telling imo. You didn’t list anything thats a need on your list of things you want money for. Maybe he legitimately doesn’t have it left over to blow. Maybe there is more to it, but devils advocate, one income supporting a household often times doesn’t leave much money for getting hair done or extra clothes.
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