Run from that relationship. Fast
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Iām a sahm of 2. My hubby works, gives me most of his paycheck to pay the bills, buy groceries, etc. I also took up a hobby (crochet) and sell my handmade items and designsā¦I use that money to supply my hobby and for the kids/holidays/birthdays/on myself
Its by choice I stay home BC the cost daycare is so high and we donāt qualify for any type of assistance. Its hard living paycheck to paycheck, but as long as the kids have they need, thatās all that matters
Itās time you give him some options. Let you take care of the finances so everyone gets what they need or you will be going back to work. There are good daycares out there just like there are some bad.
Hmmmm, I dont know. If essentials are taken care of i think that is most important. My husband and I have a joint account. We pay our rent, important bill, insurance ect. First and then groceries. Sometimes thereās left over sometimes there isnāt. I also donāt get my hair done, nails and so on because to me that is a waste of money. If its not essential I dont think there is a problem with waiting for money of your own.
I think you are tricking people on how you worded this. I realize it sucks being stuck in the house but if he takes care of everything and you do have money you can useā¦ you just have to wait until a certain time of the month. I donāt think he is being unreasonable.
I am a stay at home mom of 5 BTW soon to be 6. My priorities are never what I can get. Its always what we can provide for them.
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Sounds controlling af to me
Itās sure is a good way for him to hold you down. Stay home and take care of the kids and dont go anywhere or have anything you need. What kind of life is that? Put the kids in day care and go back to work.
Tell him ur gonna get a job . Offer home daycare or regular but that u have to work . I cant go with iut or come last
He sounds like a narcissist honestly. He is the one who experienced the situation at daycare and I will agree daycare can be scary trusting your kids with strangers, however that shouldnāt mean you should be the one to sacrifice everything, he could stay home and work from home.
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This is NOT ok and it is control
If I ask for something I usually get it either that check or next. He gives me his card to pay bills but I push to saveā¦ so the save money I guess is my money
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Iām a sahm and my husband gives me the money because I handle all the finances. We have a joint account and each have our own debit cards to that account and we discuss multiple times a week where our money is going
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Iām a sahm and if I need anything or want I can go buy it with his card. We share EVERYTHING. This is not ok
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I stay at home and we have a joint account and I cant spend whatever I want on whatever I wantā¦ obv Its mostly needed things and things for our kids but regardless of who stays home and goes out to work both are still work and neither could be done without the otherā¦ I donāt
Know what Iād do in your situation but I definitely feel for you, and its not right or fair to you!
Not really the same but here is another perspective. I dated a guy who had 2 kids. He refused to work. I worked 40 hour weeks and brought home on average $150/week. I was only allowed $20 of that money. That $20 is what got me back and forth to work every week. $40 of that was so he could bowl twice a week with a league. $20 for a carton of cigarettes from the reservation. The rest went towards food and clothes for the kids. He refused to work or get any help like food stamps or other things to help us out. I made sure those kids didnāt starve and had clothes on their back. I would only get meals at work and when I went to my parents house 2 times a week. So I only had $20 out of my $150 paycheck for myself and I was forced to put it in my car to get back and forth to work.
So if heās gonna tell you that you have to stay home with the kids, then you need to have a joint account so that you have money to get the things you need for yourself as well as the family. Heās being to controlling. GET OUT NOW! I didnāt leave fast enough and regret it but at least Iām now living a better life without him 12 years later.
No! You should both be a team if you have given up your career to take care of your children. If he is choosing to not put them in daycare, choosing not to give you any money for yourself, choosing not to even let you help with finances because itās āhisā money, I would suggest that you start making some decisions for whatās best for you and youāre family and if heās included in those plans or not, since you are not included in his. That is controlling.
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No!!! That is not normal nor ok. You have needs just like everyone else and if he canāt respect, appreciate and accept that then this need to change.
- If he wants to be sole ābread winnerā he needs to make more money to provide for ALL household needs including YOURS;
- He needs to back off his controlling self a bit, just because heās the only one with a paycheck doesnāt mean heās the only one busy - raising children is work and he needs to realize that
- explain to him that youād like a small part time job for some extra spending money do you can get the thing you need that youāve been forced to go without; if he says no to everything else (besides you need some time away too)
FUCK THAT! I stay at home and we share a credit card, I buy what we need and what our kids want or need with it and he pays it, I also get $50 a week to put into my own bank account for things I want or want to save without a discussion, that was our agreement since I have to be the one to stay home and take care of the house and kids! We are a team and both do our parts! Itās only fair we both get compensation for OUR HARD WORK! We also split the tax returns we are 10 years in and Iāve never paid a bill! GET YOU A BETTER MAN! They exist! One of our kids isnāt even biologically his, but he has raised him since he was a year old and adopted him a few years ago
I feel that he is controlling you. This is not normal SAHM stuff.
It seems tome he is controlling the the thing with money start to finish .you have given up your whole career to care for his children and yours.it works both ways but he doesnāt want to see it that way .he stuck in the past with childcare .he also want to control your life and freedom. I think I dissuc this with him.1if he still refuses iwould think about your wellbeing and think about how your going fix it to benefit your self which means 0labs for you and kids financially and peace mind .it might mean not including him in them planns .for kids donāt be small for ever.then it could be to late to think of the big what if .put you and your kids wellbeing first .for he is certainly not doing that in many ways he putting him self first and use secondary to what he pays and doesnāt pay .plus when your older with no kids is he going keep providing. Or you going have to do aJob which ur over qulaved for with no pension to get .so you work well into years to get a basic stamp for basically for a small pension will he has a great pension. For me my self and I thats the type of man he seems to be .your worth much more .
Ps I should checked my spelling mistakes before posting this .but remember your self worth x
Wtf! Thatās is NOT normal. When I was a stay at home mom, I was on the same account as my SO. His money was my money. And I never had to ask. I will never understand how ppl do this shit!
Not normal you should be doing what you want. If you want to go to work go tell him to suck it up
Iāve been a stay at home since my oldest was born. Sheās 5.
NO thatās is not normal or healthy or anything in between. Make, yes MAKE, him give you the money he would have to spend on a daycare for 1 month, and see how that changes his mind. Tell him, āIām not free? I require love, affection, and care taking as well. Youāre being irresponsible and selfish. I stay home because YOU wanted me to. Now the kids can either go to day care, or I can handle the finances. Because I will not live this way. The end.ā
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Iām currently a SAHM but there is no way my partner would do this. I have access to all finances as does he, and if I want to do or buy something I donāt have to ask if Iām āallowedā to. We have an equal partnership and to us, parenting the kids is as important as going to work. If there is any big purchases/ expenses we discuss it as equals. Not as āitās my money not yours so Iāll make the decisionāā¦ your partner sounds like a control freak. Iād be pushing your concerns and getting a job sooner rather than later. Even if itās just 1 day a week for a little added income (or time out from the kids)
Honey, thatās not a bad experience at daycareā¦ He has control issues
I am a sahm and have been for over 10 years now. My husband handles all our bills. He makes sure I have everything I want or need. I often joke I am a spoiled house wife. He hardly buys himself anything but makes sure me and our kids lead a very blessed life. And he also makes sure that not only I have spending money but our kids do too.
Not a healthy situation. I left mine because of this and am working now and it feels great to be independent.
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No, that is not normal at all. I am at SAHM and we have a joint bank account that I have a card toā¦ when I want something I ask for it. Yes, it is normal for money to be tight with only one income, but your job is taking care of the kids and you deserve to have the things that you need.
Iām a sahm and I have always been the one to make sure the bills get paid and everything else is taken care of. Even when I have worked itās the same. We both spend what we need/want accordingly as we have a joint account. And we live practically paycheck to paycheck like most.
If he doesnāt change, you and the children need to leave.
That is not normal. That is abuse. He is keeping you vulnerable so that you have no means to leave. It is a way of manipulation and control. Iv been there. It gets ugly. I packed my things while he was at work one day and ran. Never looked back.
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So youāre letting him dictate you? Why not let him stay with the kids all day and you work?
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Iām a sahm. There is no āhis moneyā its our money I donāt have to ask.
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And what he is doing is financial abuse
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Would it be possible to hire a babysitter that you both know
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Thatās a control freak right there. I would be out of there like yesterday. Tell him to find a full time nanny or pay you for all the nanny and housekeeping services you provide
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Sounds like a dv abuser to me. You canāt have your own money you canāt leave your house without getting into a fight. Been there and done that and never again
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I donāt understand some of these responses from you ladiesā¦ she is being CONTROLLED by this man! Heās telling her what she can and canāt do, with her life and THEIR money!!! This is ABUSE!!! Honey, you need to get out of you can. I understand bills and all that, belive me. This, is beyond that! 
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This sounds like a control issue you are not being selfishā¦
Sounds like financial abuse
This is not normal. My husband comes home and gives me half his check if not all of some weeks so bills are paid and I can get whatever myself. That being said I almost never do. I save to get the expensive things he needs or wants (example. Work boots. Carhartts) you guys are a team and moms need breaks to be needs to help.
Not normal. This is controlling behavior.
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Badā¦ just bad signs all around! Get out now
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That is not okayā¦ you are supporting his career by staying home. And heās not even giving u an optionā¦ id say that is borderline abuseā¦u either need to put ur foot down about having a say in finances or put ur foot down about daycare and getting a jobā¦ SO gave me a cc and said it is my money tooā¦ I have also been babysitting in my home the past year which gives me some money to contribute. Which is good cuz money has been tight this year with his hours getting cutā¦
Get out and RUN!! NOT NORMAL AT ALL!!! Been there done thatā¦run momma run NOW.
It definitely sounds like there is too much control on one side of your relationship. Coming from an abusive marriage with a similar personality, I know the type. Please know that your wants and needs do not need to be validated by anyone or anything except your personal morals. You need to fill your cup to be able to properly care for and pour into your children. Donāt push yourself to the edge- I promise you itās not fun. Good luck to you Mama, and know that you are not alone! You hands down have THE hardest job as a sahm and if thatās not fulfilling you (it didnāt me either and I would give my kids my life) then find your own happiness and fulfillment. Itās not selfish, itās not wrong. Itās the absolute best thing you can do for your family.
Iām a SAHM. My fiance will provide things if I need them. Will provide me with extra spending money, or if I go out ask if I need money. & Will save money (since itās just him working, I understand if we donāt have extra money, so itās bills, groceries, necessities etc first, savings, then if we have extra itās spending money). He has no excuse to be acting that way. Tell him if he wants you to stay home then he needs to provide for you, if not you will go back to work & your kids will go into childcare. 
But yeah, thatās controlling & I wouldnāt stick around (my ex husband was abusive).
Have him stay home and you go to work. I would never put up with that.
Iāve been married 15 years. I was a sahm for 14 of those years. Exactly the same deal. Except he would buy stuff for me just to hold it over my head. I bought that, you wouldnāt have that if it wasnāt for me. I got a job then several jobs. Work my ass off and at times make more than he does. He didnt like the lack of control he had over me financially. I want allowed to go do anything. He always did. He lost his mind when my life didnt revolve around him. Needless to say we are getting a divorce.
Have your mom watch the kids and go find a job, then find daycare that supports your needs. If he doesnāt like it, he can leave. You being a wife and mother does not mean that that is all you should be and If he doesnāt like it, itās about time you found someone who supported your wants and needs, as well as those of your family.
That sounds like he is controlling you. This is abusive. Iād leave personally.
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Uhhhh heās controlling af 
and thatās not normal.
Iāve been a SAHM for 23 years. He brings the money home.I make sure the bills get paid. If thereās extra and thereās something I want,Iāll ask if itās ok(just out of politeness,and to make sure thereās nothing specific heās saving for). Other than that itās
āour moneyā.
To me like the others are saying that sounds like financial abuse.
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Independence is everything. Trust yourself and try not to rely on anyā¦one. Sounds like you already know, goodluck & be strong!! Research your help so you dont rely on family or friends, Theres always a way, you just gotta sit back and figure out 
Yah, leave the whole man. Screw that.
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Simply go and find a job and not wait for him to have a say. I always encourage women who want a job but have small children to be EKG monitor techs. You can work per diem at a hospital once a week 12 hours, part time 2x a week and full time 3 times a week. It only takes 4 days to get certified, some places a little longer and it costs less than $300. You are grown and do not need to ask anymore, just do it. It is not fair for him to have you at home like that and not support you. He wonāt like it but he wonāt have a choice.
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This is definitely concerning, but is he truly withholding money from you or is money just tight and he needs to pay bills before he can give you money?
My husband always makes sure I have money when I need something but I have no problem going without if he needs it all to pay bills that week.
If you can get hired back Iād do that and put the kids in daycare. And if you love him sounds like he needs counseling or help of some sort.
My husband is the one with the job. 
He makes sure the bills get paid, we do grocery shopping together , I let him know if the kids need things, explain why and then take his debit anyway, because Iāve been married to the guy for 20 years, itās my money too.
Anything that is not your choice is abuse. He doesnāt get to decide if you work or not. Thatās your choice. If you divorce him half that money will be yours. Why isnāt it half yours while youāre married? 
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Sounds like he is pretty controlling. Might not even be a daycare issue he may just want you home with the kids so he knows where you are and what youāre doing. But if he doesnāt want to give you money so youāre able to do things for yourself and get things for yourself then Iād say seeya.
Iām a sahm mom and make no money on the side. My hubby hates dealing with the bills and our finances so trusts me to do it all. We have an equal budget to spend each month. He doesnāt check on what I spend or if I stay within budget( which I do) if he was controlling or not allowing me to spend money that is suppose to be ours I would have a problem. Sharing an account and only one income isnāt always easy it takes a lot of communication but we do it.
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Sounds controlling. I would get childcare figured out and go back to work before I went without or struggled like that. Itās not good for you or the kids. And Iām speaking from experience!
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Um, why did you acquiesce instead of insisting he get counseling for his trauma?Now I think you could both benefit from therapy. Ultimatum: He goes & pays for you too or youāre going back to work &/or leaving.
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This sounds more of a possessive trait your husband has, and thatās not normal.
I am a SAHM and I purchase whatever I like (within a reasonable budget) for myself and our kids.
What heās doing isnāt right.
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I would tell him how I felt and go back to work. Iād not live that way.
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Screw thatā¦ im a stay at home mom my husbandās income is OUR incomeā¦ if its not then you should get paid around $92,000 a yearā¦ look it up show it to him ā¦ that is him being 100% selfish. Do not allow that. He is not the boss you are business partnersā¦ either he pitches in or you go back to work and he can help figure the house out. Heās nuts i would purposely buy myself something nice if he doesnāt like it you can get help outside the home. He doesnāt want kids in daycare he better step up or step out. Hell tell him just to pay you daycare fees you are saving him by staying homeā¦ HE IS NOT YOUR BOSS.
My husband makes all the money and Iām a stay at home mom but I can buy whatever I want no questions asked because he looks at my staying home with the kids as a job because I used to get paid $20 an hour doing this with other kidsā¦
Sounds like he is controlling you for sure. If he doesnāt want you to work but doesnāt want to consider the money he makes both of yours. His money is your money. Your taking care of his kids. I personally am in a stay at home mom situation. Day care is just too expensive and my husband and I canāt afford it with as many kids that we have at this time. My husband is the opposite. He appreciates what I do and he considers it all our money. We share bank accounts. I actually handle most of all the bills getting paid and we donāt have tons of money but my husband lets me but or get whatever extra stuff I want or need and he encourages it. Half the time he asks my permission to spend money on himself cuz he doesnāt want to upset me. I of course tell him that he doesnāt need to ask my permission but he just feels need to be considerate. I feel lucky to have him. I feel sad can I hear all the stories like yours of their husbands trying to control money finances etc when youāre staying home with the kids. That really is not right and your man really should not be doing that. Itās massively controlling. I know itās easier said than done but me personally I could never stand for a guy to treat me like that and control me on that level. I would recommend that perhaps you talk to him and give him an ultimatum say either youāre going to put the kids in daycare anyway and go back to work or heās going to start letting you have more control over the money situation. heās definitely in the wrong here you should be allowed to have a couple extra things for yourself that you want and need without having to beg for it. I canāt believe this how many men act like this in the world makes me really sad to hear good luck to you I hope things get better.
I was a SAHM through 2 downright toxic relationships but always was able to work or shared money with the one that didnāt let me work. This is unhealthy and hes a coward
Go back to work and just tell him its daycare or HE can stay home nd take care of them since he has the issues. If it cannot be 50/50 then both should work. All it will do is cause resentment. Since he feels it is his money, then go back to work, even if part time to make your own. Save YOUR money for rainy or emergencies since he wont, take care of you, if he has a problem then sit down and write up all bills, household needs, personal needs, vehicle needs, and so on, then say āok, this is what we NEED for every month, plus cash set back each month for emergency and savings, need to start working as a team, or both of us have jobs, split household needs, and kids needs in half, then we handle our own personal needs. Money will need to go in separate account for emergencies then the rest yāall can do as you wishāā¦ Work as a damn team or there was really no need to get married and have kids in the first place. All you will do is make them miserable if you dont get this handled becuz the resentment will grow and they will pay the priceā¦
I am a SAHM. My husband works but his check is our money. Has been since we got together. I take care of the house and kids so it would never be just his money.
Thatās abusive and he needs therapy to get thru his trauma. File your papers put them in some sort of care and start working. Donāt let the kids grow up thinking this is a normal way to treat others or how they should deal with their trauma/baggage. Also Iād start running credit reports on you and the kids JIC.
Essentials are ESSENTIAL for a reasonā¦ No excusesā¦
We have one bank account and we always say OUR money, there is no his money or mine. I just recently got a job with almost full-time hours but regardless whatever is in act is for both of us to use and spend how we please so long as we donāt spend too much and we discuss big purchases but besides that, one account, 2 cards, 2 account holders.
Thatās not normal, babe. You should be able to buy what you need or want (when the finances are available) especially if its an expectation that you were the one to sacrifice your livelihood. I think a part of you knows this though. You two are supposed to be in it together 
. It doesnāt sound like youāre making decisions together. There needs to be compromise somewhere.
I do the finances and itās ours.
He is controlling you! He is using money to control you. Get a hold quickly and take action. Go find a job see how he acts.
Put them in daycare and get a job. Tell him if he wants them to be at home, he should quit his job and care for them. Then secretly start putting a little away each month, so you have a safety net for yourself.
Iām currently a stahm and my fiance always always makes sure I have money to o do what I want with we always figure out extra spending after all essentials are paid but not once has he told me itās his money
This is called financial abuse. Heās making it to where you donāt have access to money. Itās only gonna ramp up from here.
Donāt two card him. He wonāt take you seriously.
Donāt go to counselling with him. You never go to counseling with your abuser, because they will do everything they can to gaslight you, and often times, be so effective in it, they drag the counselor into it as well.
See if your mom can help you leave. Start squirreling away important items and documents there with her. And then, finally, leave when heās at work.
Heās financially abusing you. Heās isolating you (you indicated he fights about you ever getting out of the house). Donāt wait around for it to become physically abusive too.
Just think. Do you want your kid to grow up thinking this is normal and healthy? If say no, then do something about it.
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This sucks and is entirely unfair. Dust off your resume and figure out a path outā¦your kids need you as a role model. I truly wish you the best.
This is called āfinancial controlā and you will find it listed as one if the key signs of abuse in many articles written on Domestic Abuse and it often occurs early in the abuse cycle. I encourage you to address this and tell your husband how you feel. The fact that you also mentioned he doesnāt like when you do something for yourself is also a concern.
Seriously, you are being abusively controlled. It is not OK. You need to leave him. If you wonāt do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They are being taught abusive behavior. Your children will be irreparably harmed if you donāt get away from this man.
You need to sit down and think, what is truly the best for your children, what are they learning from this behavior from you, and from him. Is this a situation that will have lasting effects on your children emotionally, and mentally. Only you as a mother knows how this will shape your kids. I for one think it would be in the best interest of the children if you went back to work and they went to a trusted daycare. Now if that means the breaking of your marriage for the sake of a better situation for yourself and your children so be it. Do whatās best for you and your children. Donāt let him control you and your marriage. It supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.
I am not a SAHM but my husband likes to remind me that his money is OUR money. My ex husband forced me to be a SAHM and can barely provide for us that when we separated and he locked me out of our account I had $0 in my name. Either go back to work and find daycare or sitter. Or he can stay home with them.