I’ve been with my partner for over two years. We got engaged last summer. We have four children between us. His eldest child decided to stop coming down and has since only seen him once or twice. We now stay together, and the eldest has made it clear she has no intentions of coming to our home, and if he wants to see her, he’s to go himself and meet her (she’s 13). Basically, she’s not keen on me and has said she’ll never be at our home. I don’t get where I’ve gone wrong. I was only ever nice to her and tried to get to know her.
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I swear I wondered if I wrote this. I am dealing with this right now with my husband’s youngest of 2 girls…she is 14 and all of a sudden has not wanted to come around and now refers to me as “your wife”. I have 2 children who are ages 8 and 9 from a previous marriage and are with me all the time as they do not have their bio dad active in their lives so now the 14 year old I’m guessing feels that my children and I have taken her dad away from her. Her parents have been divorced for 10 years so I think the main problem she is dealing with is not being the center of her dads attention anymore. It hurts because I’ve loved her as my own and don’t know what to do myself.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My partners oldest child has decided not to come around: Advice?
She’s old enough. It’s her choice.
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Can’t force someone to love you shell come around and if she doesn’t its ok just keep being a good person even if it hurts
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13 is a pretty hormonal time… I’m sure she’ll come around eventually
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I would reevaluate your situation and see how things were when she did come around, my ex-husband kids wanted to stay with me after we split up and they weren’t even mine.
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She is 13 and puberty and hormones are raging. In her eyes and mind you are replacing mom and stealing dad from her. Give her time and keep being kind she will come around. Talking from experience I once was that same 13 year old
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She’s 13 you could have don’t nothing and she will still be mad. It’s how teenage girls work.
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Were they still married when yall got together? If so maybe she feels you broke up her family. Try talking to her.
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It’s her choice, and some kids may feel like dad is trying to replace mom. So you likely didn’t do anything wrong at all. Don’t push it and don’t force it and don’t let dad guilt her. She’ll come around when she’s ready. Anything else will push her farther away.
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Probably more about not liking mom and dad broke up. Somehow show that you 3 respect her. And just keep being nice. Hopefully the 3 adults can help her cope through the changes.
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My 13 year old bonus kid had an issue seeing us together because it wasn’t her mom and him. She doesn’t visit either.
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My own daughter that lived with me hated me from age 12-14 or so. All of a sudden - with no changes - she decided I’m her bff. Its a tough age.
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She might still be having a hard time trying to adjust too her father and mother not being together and having someone else there kids Express there selves In many ways I’m sure your doing everything you can to get her to come around but you can’t force it love give her time
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she has probably decided that she wants her Mom and Dad to be together and you or anyone not them are ruining it for her. Its a kid thing
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Teens are tricky. She may have a valid reason, she may not. Step aside and allow her to have time with her dad.
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Don’t waste your time on it then… she will grow up and hopefully mature a bit… give it time.
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Encourage dad to see her alone. Keep loving her and keep the door open for her eventually she will see you aren’t so bad. Prayers
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Clearly feels like you get in the middle of them 
let her have her dad to herself for a few hours a week
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Step children often only want their parents to be together or alone, never with a new partner 
She’s old enough to decide. I’d question if I wanted this if I was causing this wedge, tbh.
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Best advice I can give is just have a calm conversation with her. Let her know it’s safe to openly talk about her feelings and why she feels the way she does. Reassure her that you’re not here to replace her mum, and you’re not there to take her dad. You’re there because you love them all and feel blessed to be apart of the family.
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My step daughter’s and I have always had an amazing relationship. Recently my 12nearly 13 year old daughter has been butting heads with me. Its a tough time for a young woman especially if she maybe held on to the hope her parents would get back together. Take it easy on her and if I can give you any advice don’t take anything personally. She may be trying to get a rise out of you, negative attention is sometimes more satisfying to a teen than positive. I get my feelings hurt and I don’t let it change how I treat her I continue to be loving and caring and when she is older she will realize you aren’t the enemy. Good luck!!
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It’s not you. For one she’s a teenager. For two, you are taking her moms place with her dad. Just keep being yourself and as she gets older the resentment hopefully will fade.
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Sounds like the mum has been putting stuff in the child’s head 
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You aren’t her mother and she upset her father moved on. Let him go and see her and let her see and hear the things happening with u guys. The things u do with the other kids. She will come around eventually. Or just ask her. What did u do. Let her tell u her side
Maybe have her dad try talking to her about why she wont come around. It may just be hard on her to adjust to everything all at once.
2 of my partner’s daughters has done this. We only see one out of three now.
13 is a prickly stage, give it time and she will come around
At that age, to her, you are a intruder. You can’t force a relationship. Things like this take time and a lot of patience. Don’t blame her for what she is feeling. Also don’t get in the way of her and her father. You need to let that relationship be. Trust me, I was the girl. My situation was that stepmom made it where I wouldn’t come around, not accepted and she was jealous. My father let it happen. Encourage the relationship between her and her dad. That’s where you will win.
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Just make sure her mom isn’t bad-mouthing her. Thirteen is one of the toughest ages with body changes, all the peer pressure and anxiety of junior high/middle school, and now her parents’ divorce. Give her space and understanding. She’ll come around when her life calms down some.
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You have to stop trying to figure out what you have done wrong and trying so hard to please her…. She is a kid. With time and wisdom she will be ok. She would probably be this way about anyone her dad is with
13 is a sucky age. I am sure the realization of Mommy and Daddy not being together has sunk in and she isn’t happy about it. Respect her boundaries. Make sure her father doesn’t fight it right now. It will be your fault and you don’t want that. It’s going to take time and patience. Pray about it and good luck.
Just encourage your partner to keep in touch with her and visit her as often as possible. Don’t give her a reason to ever say you came between her and her father. Let her decide when she’s ready to have you more involved. She needs time to work through this.
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It’s probably not you but respect the relationship to let them have time together and always include her in holidays gifts bDays, extending invitations for movie night ect. A long talk might get to the root because sometimes its an outside force pushing that kid too. Knowing your always there will help and are extention of family will help grow things. Patience in a 13yr old is key. I know especially.
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Don’t take it personal she just not happy with everything. Her dad needs to make more effort to go see her and take her out or something just the two of them. It’s really hard to explain. I was the child in a similar situation and it’s just stressful on the kids
She is 13 honey. And odds are good only heard one side to the story of you and her dad. Give her space and have her dad go see her often. But when he leaves let him make it clear that he loves you, is happy, and that you send ur love. In time she will be old enough to want to decide for herself what she thinks of you. Send little notes with ur hubby for her from you. Kindness wins the race. Good luck
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13 is a rough age. Encourage him to maintain his relationship. She will reconsider as she matures.
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Honestly that say A LOT. Idc what all these other people say. That child dont like you for a reason and they’re staying away for a REASON.
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Give her time, she will more than likely come around
No one can predict what a teenager is going to do. If she has made up her mind and has a legitimate reason for her attitude, you are not going to change it. Keep an open mind and she will get acclimated to the situation.
Give that girl your support. Don’t take it personally that right now she only wants to see her dad. I know it is personal in nature, but who knows where these feelings or demands are coming from. You’re already doing something by just reaching out, being aware and concerned.
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Awe hunny you didn’t do anything wrong she’s just “protecting her mom”. She will come around 16-18 again. This happen to my dad when he got divorced. His New GF (love her) has tried quietly for 3 years, but after three years he finally told the girls “if you can’t respect her don’t come” and they got over their pettiness. You keep being sweet to her, keep staying strong for your family. And she will come around.
My daughter decided the same things about her step mom… Who is also my 2nd cousin 
. Her biggest issue was that she wasnt allowed to have a relationship with her dad without the step mom trying to control every aspect of the relationship. For instance she had to call the step moms phone just to talk to dad for the longest time she wasnt allowed to have his real phone number. Not saying that you’re over stepping like this but it was the step moms own insecurities and issues that led my daughter to push away from her. 13 is a rough age anyway but if she feels like you have inserted yourself into the middle of their relationship she will run
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It’s not necessarily you. She’s 13, teenagers are temperamental little creatures. Have her dad talk with her to see if she would be willing to have a conversation with you and her dad. Reassure her that you aren’t there to take her mother’s place nor are you trying to take her dad from her. Also that it’s ok for her to tell you what she’s feeling and with no judgement from you or her dad. Take the time and try to repair this.
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Encourage dates between her and the father. Maybe once in a while you can tag along later
Don’t try to force a relationship… in stepparenting there’s a blended family and they’re is two homes types. It just is what it is when they’re older. Could have zero to do with you so don’t put yourself down. If you can think of teen type dates ,that’ll be cool too. Do things she likes
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As a child of divorced parents, I can tell you it really may not be you. I didn’t like anyone dating my dad because I was scared that he’d forget about me. That plus other nagging mouths telling me that was going to happen just kind of added to it. Remember that she’s a young girl, hormonally she’s going through a lot. She may also have only heard one side. Tell hubby to start spending more time with her, give it extra effort and then maybe get it to the point where shes comfortable with you coming along. And go from there.
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She’s 13.
He should respect that.
Give her space.
Encourage that space.
Don’t push her and let him have the conversation naturally with her.
Her feelings are valid and 13 is a weird age
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When I was around that age I did something similar and it had nothing to do with my step mom. It was anger towards my dad and I was mad that he only spent time with us with her and didn’t ever take us on our own. It may or may not be personal. In my case I literally told my dad I wouldn’t be in the wedding and I wasn’t even going to go to it. I did end up going and in their wedding and she eventually became part of the family but she put in a lot of effort despite my behavior. She was patient and kind. We grew really close and even though they are now divorced I still keep in touch a decade later. It’s hard I’m sure to deal with but meet her with kindness and grace and she will come around. Let him spend time with her and she will eventually come around.
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Leave it to her let her set the pace just say she is always welcome and leave it that x
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In her own time she will decide x
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My middle daughter didn’t want to go visit her dad around that age because of his new wife… shes 20 now & refuses to see or speak to him unless thru email… something happened for her to not wanna be around you or your household… shes not talking about something…
13 is rough, I remember I had the most problems with family (split) around that age. I know my own 12 year old hates me more often than not (especially when terrible me reminds him if basic hygiene and household chores).
I agree with others who have said dont take it personally, love and support as best you can. Life’s hard (and feels so much more confusing at that age) just be the best you can be and eventually she will come around (or she won’t and that’s OK too, better to be on the right side of things)
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She has to work through her own emotions and dad needs to show that he is willing to work on their relationship too! You have done nothing wrong, it’s not you I can promise you that. It is simply the idea of you. My 21 yr old bonus daughter still has her days she can’t stand being around me and it’s not me it’s because in her head and heart her mom and dad should still be together and should have fought harder … Both my husband and her mom have grown in amazing ways being apart, her mom and I are best friends and we’re all very happy in our marriages … she just needs to see she is loved and wanted and not being replaced
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Just make sure even if she says no you guys ALWAYS invite her to everything you do and make sure she knows she is always welcome in your home
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I remember when I was 13 and my dad got married to someone new It was very difficult just give her time and space remember shes still just a kid
She’s 13! Respect her wishes, that’s a tough age.
Honestly it probably has nothing to do with you. Just continue to be nice and continue to show support regardless.
Take it with a grain of salt, she’s 13. He should respect her wishes at this time. I’m sure as she grows up things will change. Just be patient with her. 13 is a tough age.
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It’s probably not you, or her. As she grows older she’ll want to see him and she’ll make it happen. Just keep inviting her. It’s there a visitation order? You can have them enforced.
She’s probably still struggling with the divorce. You’re not her mom and she doesn’t have to like you. As long as her dad is still in her life and you don’t try to come between them and their relationship it’s all good. Respect her feelings, maybe it will get better after y’all are married.
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Emotional blackmail is never okay …at any age.
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It isn’t you potentially, based off these words that is.
She is 13 and chang is hard even after 2 years.
I am not a pro but I would stay open and wait. No force or tricks. Idk
I haven’t talked to my dad since 94 because of this. Nothing you do will change her mind. Please do not try to interrupt her relationship with her dad.
She’s 13 and going through enough confusing things at the moment. Best thing you can do is give her space and time, when she feels better or matures a bit it may change.
That’s her choice let it be
Man blended families are so hard. And so rewarding. Chances are it’s not about you. Continue to be supportive and kind in all manners pertains to her. Always do her birthday and Christmas even if you can’t give it to her directly. With step kids it’s not out of sight out of mind. Eventually she’ll realize you arnt the enemy and come around. Wishing you endless luck and peace 
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This really has nothing to do with you . It’s about her feels ,fears , wants. It’s her dad she wants and in her eyes you are the reason for everything. Her dad needs to make her a priority in some cases and yes that means no you or the other kids.
I was her … 
her fears of abandoned are very real for her .
She’ll hold every man to the standards in which her dad sets .
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Kids that age still dream of their parents getting back together and now that your getting married her dreams have been crushed. Hang in there.
It really has nothing to do with you🤗. At her age she wants her mom and dad together. She’s going through puberty and growing up as well. Lots of changes in her and her surroundings. You don’t know what she’s hearing from her mom about her dad getting remarried. Just keep being and doing what you are doing. Eventually she’ll work it out. I have mixed feelings about her “demanding” her dad come to see her. Not sure what to say about that. Good luck🤗
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Sounds like the tail is wagging the dog and that needs to change ASAP.
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She will grow out of it
Blended families are hard. My biggest regret is not showing a United front between the 4 of us sooner. In the long run it hurt our kids most. They’re grown and still hurting. I hate it.
It’s nothing U have done so don’t take it personal though I know it’s hard not too
Dont take it personal. It’s what you represent, doesnt matter if your name is Amy, Sally, Jane, Martha, she’d be like that towards whoever.
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Don’t take it personally. Took me like 5-8 years to be ok with my step dad she might also just feel like she doesn’t get time alone with him anymore cause you’re there.Or that he chose your family (your kids) over her/her siblings. It’ll just take time. Or even just that she feels that your moving to fast and she’s not comfortable with it. Being in a relationship to engaged and living together all in 2 years. Some kids deal with it differently and adjust quicker.
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It could also be because of the bio mother…I have been there
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At age 13 she can legally say she doesn’t want to see him. It’s her choice
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Sounds like she needs cousling. She’s 13 she shouldnt get a say if she likes you or not. As long as she isn’t being abused. I would force her to go. At 18 that’s when you get make your own choices until then I’m the mom I’m the boss
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Yes I’ve had many step parents. And I am a step parent
It probably doesn’t have anything to do with you, she’s 13. Be sure to not make it about you but to encourage their relationship while setting firm boundaries about respecting you. Their relationship is the
priority but she shouldn’t ever be allowed to openly disrespect you either.
Remember in the harder moments, it’s not you. Find patience and love for her and she’ll come around.
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Not everyone has to ‘like’ you. Kid or adult.
I renember being a punk ass 13 year old.
If he doesn’t already, can I suggest maybe he set aside time for just her where they go for a meal or bowling or whatever they enjoy doing. It may not be anything personal with you, she might just be feeling like her father has made a ‘new family’ and she may be struggling with that. I wouldn’t just leave it be, as that might push her further away. Teens are tricky, just be patient with her. x
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It’s not you
She’s 13
Going through emotions she’s probably don’t understand give her space but the dad should still try see her even if it’s just him
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My kids hated, and one still hates, his step mom. They made this decision on their own as teens not to be around. I didn’t push it. They are adults now. They didn’t like their dad had other women, yes plural. I think his behavior has a lot to do with how they feel/felt toward her.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. For now maybe just respect her wishes and let your partner go see her on their own so they can find out why she doesn’t like you and won’t come around. You’ll have to let the clock run on this until they can get things worked out and then bring it back to you/your house.
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I have no advice on how to get her to your house. But my “stepson” hated me for years. Refused to sit on the same couch with me etc. He was trying to be supportive of his mother who had some jealousy issues. It’s hard but I knew it wasn’t really his fault and it also wasn’t me. I was just patient. I treated him the same way always, with kindness and respect even when he was not so nice. Eventually, when he was in trouble it was me he came to. We grew close but it took a lot of patience and consistency on my part. Good luck 
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Do not take it personal, but, he also should not give in.
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The mom is probably bad nothing, putting ideas into the girls head
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She don’t have a choice if it court ordered
Don’t take it to heart! She is a teenager and acting out, leave your partner and his daughter to it
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Maybe you are trying too hard. Let her know she is welcome - then just drop it. She is going through “growing up” period - and it may take a year or so - but hopefully she will eventually come around.
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It’s not you, you can’t make someone like you. She is 13 she probably doesn’t even like her parents at the moment. Just hang in there let her dad go and visit her on his own, just let her be, she will probably come around eventually.
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It could be her mum, it could be hormonal, maybe you aren’t as nice as you say/think you are, maybe she’s just being bratty? He won’t know unless he goes and talks to her.
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Does she get along with her step siblings? I was the same way at that age with my step mom. I quit going to my dad’s because of my little step sister. Absolutely despised her because she got everything she wanted and constantly told on me and my sister for everything.
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You absolutely need too reach out and do a lunch ask what went wrong. What can you do to heal this relationship? If its unreasonable and she’s bieng unfair at least you know you tried. But it could be something you did and not even realize it. She’s confused and hurt and feels her dad is abodoning her for you. You gotta reach out if you love your husband you will try everything possible too make this right.
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She teenager they are crazy next week could be her Mom don’t take it personal Dad should meet her on her terms keep communication open be patient she may come around good luck God bless you 
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You’re not her mom. That’s all she knows. It’s not against you. Think how she feels, back and forth, new step parents and siblings etc. It’s not easy. Remove yourself from the situation personally. She’s just upset her parents aren’t together and her family broke up. Give her time she’s still young.
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Don’t take it to heart. She’s likely got a jealous/mean spirited/controlling mommy. Most kids absorb their mothers spirit and energy. Keep sending gifts on birthdays and holidays from you and dad, and keep inviting her over.
I was a step mom for a long time. 10 years. If I so much as sneezed at the wrong time I was getting ripped to shreds by the youngests mom. That caused a trickle down effect. I was called “wicked stepmother” and everything else in between, but the one that got me the most was when I saw a message on her phone that said she hated me. That stung.
It’s hard not to take it personal, and thru years of wondering wtf I did, I finally came to realize she was mimicking her mother.
Per her mother: I was not allowed to wear any type of sports gear with OUR last name on it (she was in travelling soccer and I was married to her father so it really was OUR last name). I was not allowed to pick up, drop off, etc, I was not allowed to refer to her as one of “the kids” (my ex and I had 5 between the 2 of us), she almost wasn’t allowed to be in or wedding, the ridiculous list of silly bullfuckery goes on…
So I patiently waited for the right time to “address” it. That time came when she asked me to fix her hair (very rarely did she ask for that). I told her she had to call her mom and ask her permission. She laughed at me, and I told her it’s no laughing matter. I’m not allowed to do anything for or with you at all. I’m not exactly sure why, but your mom is CONSTANTLY under the impression that I’m really mean to you. Mean to the point that I cannot be trusted with you, so if you want me to do anything for you, I’m gonna need you to call your mom and get it approved. Anything. Rides, hair, ice cream with the rest of us girls, any and all of it. This isn’t me being mean, it’s me being careful.
She didn’t call. I didn’t fix her hair. But within a few days, I was cleared by her mom and she laid off…
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