So yesterday, he sends me a text and says that we need to discuss, “X doesn’t want mandatory time at your house.” That’s all he said no reasoning or nothing. She has never mentioned this to me or my parents. I’m not sure what to say or think. When she’s at our house she’s totally happy, she’s told counselors in confidentiality that she likes our house more but just agrees with his manipulation to make him happy etc. What do y’all recommend? Do I go off of what he says or ignore it or ???
So I have a 12yo almost 13yo with my ex. We have court ordered 50/50 custody. From day one his family spoils her 1000%. From million Disney trips a year to buying her whatever she wants. When she’s at dads, he lets her get away with anything. Attitude, bad grades etc. So then she comes to my house and I don’t put up with attitude or bad grades etc. Her grounding is usually taking her phone away, which means she can then only call dad from my phone. He likes to use her as a pawn, which over the years I’ve learned this and ignore what he says usually. Or he has in the past gotten her to want extra time there in exchange for her getting what she wants etc. he is extremely jealous that I am happily married with other kids, so he’s tried in past to convince my husband I was cheating etc which my husband doesn’t fall for, but he’s also told this to my daughter so that she wants more time there etc.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My rules are pushing away my daughter, what can I do?
Ignore it. She needs a stable parent and it sounds like that’s you. Keep the 50/50, he can only stop her going to you if he can convince the courts, don’t let that happen
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Speak to your daughter about her feelings
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I’d have a conversation with your daughter, explain that’s it’s a safe and healthy speaking environment and her voicing her feelings and opinions won’t hurt your or dads feelings but that you’d like to know how she feels because her opinion to you matters. See what she says 
at the same time though, ignore what he said. At the end of the day she still needs a stable parent. You could compromise with her by allowing her an extra day at dads or something
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Look up Parental Alienation and get a lawyer.
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Speak to your daughter. He sounds like the typical narcissist that will manipulate her to get his way and sabotage your happiness. With communication, love and patience with your daughter things will fall into place. Stay true and strong. God bless.
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I’d ignore him and talk to her and see if she’s happy. Explain that even though you can’t give her everything she wants, you love her with all your heart and that will never change. That she will always be safe at your home and that she will have everything she needs. You have a court agreement and don’t allow him to use gifts over you. She will realize one day what really matters and if she said that to the counselor, I’m sure that she doesn’t actually feel that way. Dad is probably just trying to get under your skin.
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Just say well. What’s best for her is both of us.
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It isn’t confidentiality if they are betraying their oath and telling you 
She should be able to call her dad on her phone. Grounding her from calling her dad on her own phone is you being petty and jealous of their relationship . You’re both using her as a pawn .
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Talk to your daughter. Talk to a lawyer.
She will thank you some day.
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Talk to a professional (mental health professional, and then a lawyer) rather than a mom group on Facebook.
Hire an attorney. Find one that is 5 star peer reviewed. Don’t cheap out. It isn’t easy but parental alienation is real and a huge snowball. It gets really ugly and your daughter needs an advocate. If she’s going along with it, he will use that. In my case, he convinced her to make false allegations repeatedly. It’s literally torn out lives, children and family apart.
File for physical custody
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I would try having a conversation with my daughter first, see what she says. If she lies you should be able to tell. Ask her honestly and tell her either way you will support her, and if she still says she wants to be with dad more, then you guys really do have to talk. She’s old enough to know what she wants. She will realize soon enough that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side! Kids change their minds all the time, but that’s part of growing up, they have to learn somehow!!!
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50/50 custody! I wouldn’t give a damn what he says she would be with as scheduled.
Ignore him and have an honest conversation with ur daughter. Make sure she knows u wont get mad no matter what she has to tell u
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Sit down with your daughter and talk to her.
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I would have a conversation with her. Keep communication open. Also keeping in mind that there does come an age where you cannot and shouldn’t force her to go to either parents house. Kids get older. They see, they tend to want to be where they feel comfortable and loved.
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Just ignore it. You have 50/50. Nothing will change.
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Don’t even respond to him, he’s trying to get a reaction from you. Bring it up to your daughter, but in a causal way…dont mention that he said such and such. And maybe get ahold of your lawyer to let them know he may be trying something…
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Depending on the state, she can determine where she wants to live by 14(TN), so maybe ask her what she wants
Stick to the parenting plan
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Take him to court and use the counselor as a witness of him using her as a pain. Don’t give him anymore time then the courts have put in place because from the sounds of it he will use that agents you saying you don’t want her on your time.
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I have been through this with 3 boys. All the same thing, their Dad individually manipulated them when they got to the teen years where they could make their own decisions. Recently my 13 year old (last one with him, the other have graduated) ran away from his Dad’s (50/50 custody, switch every Fridat) come to find out he has been being physically and mentally abused since 5th grade. As we dug further into this all the boys were being abused, he would punch them, push them down, degrade them etc… they were afraid of him. My 13 year old finally had enough and left. I knew for the past 7 years all my boys were miserable when they were there but they would not tell me. I would ask if they were OK and they would say yes. They would say they have fun with him and everything was great when they were there. He was so jealous that I had someone else and we had another baby and he would take it out in them he would say, you love Mom more, go be with her then, I will be alone. They stuck up for their Dad always. Made me feel as if I was the bad guy when their Dad would say things about me. They feared their Dad for so long that they just went with it. They didn’t know how to get out even though I said many times its safe with me, you can tell me anything. Now I have a protective order and I’m fighting for full custody of my 13 year old. Continue to talk to your daughter, let her know it is not ok for a parent to pressure her into a decision. Her happiness and how she feels is important. He can not depend on her, he is and adult and will be fine. She need her own life and path. My boys would feel so guilty and sorry for their Dad because he said you are all I have, I don’t want to live if I don’t have you etc… it’s a game to him. Now he only speaks to one of our sons and does not see the grandchildren. My kids have been through so much, they have a lot of healing to do. She is at that age, you can change this for her. How ever you can make sure the battle stops. Make sure she is happy and the focus or you will be where I am, lots of guilt and my son in therapy. Good luck to you.
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Ignore it. She knows that you are stable. You are her rock. Be that stability for her. Maybe try some one on one time when she’s home. And talk to her therapist about what’s happening, maybe there’s another reason. (Social?)
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Completely ignore him, look up the grey rock 
method.
The more you respond and give time to the more they get off. Become extremely boring and give no information about yourself.
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I would change my court agreement. We have it listed in our agreement that one parent can not talk poorly about the other, manipulate child, etc. All communication is through Our Family Wizard so that the court has access need be. Most importantly talk to your daughter and express your love to her and why you do things differently.
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Just simply say it is not her choice until she is old enough. No big deal🥰
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Don’t reply to your ex. Non of the kids can decide where the live till they are 13 or older so he’s just trying to get a response from you.
Keep doing what you are doing with rules in your house.
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Talk to your daughter and see what she says, tell her to be completely honest and shes not going to get into trouble by telling you what she is feeling. She needs to feel like she can open up to you without consequences
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Tell the ex that the custody agreement is 50/50 and you see no need to change it at this time.
Don’t discuss what he said with your daughter. If she wants her visitation changed she will talk to you about it or the Dad will petition the court.
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Set up a meeting with the lawyers to discuss the custody agreement. Have your daughter there so she can have a voice. Explain to her that this is her chance to tell the lawyers exactly what she would like and for you her father and the lawyers to all discuss what is best for her. Chances are she will respect you all more if she can have a voice and can hear first hand what is discussed as far as this situation goes.
If it were me I’d ignore it BUT let her know that you are always open to what she has to say in regards to where she spends her time. Just so she knows the door is open.
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Don’t believe him. You just said he’s a manipulator.
What he is doing is mental abuse. On all of you. Even your child. Talk to your lawyer about it. If she is seeing a councilor talk to them as well.
Don’t believe anything he says.
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Talk with her and until something else is arranged he had to give her back to you
Take him back to court, take counselor, and proof of her grades when she is with you and her grades when she is with him… Education is priority for her future. She can tell the courts whom she wants to live with also, she is old enough.
Its going to be a long road , I wish I had better new but between her age and 23 to 25 or more she wont appreciate your rules and point of view.
Dont let that stop you stick to your guns . She will realize one day . Both my kids thank me for my strict rules and tough love but it took a bit of growing up before they appreciated my way of doing things . I am glad I stuck to my guns .
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You ignore him. Go by the court order until she is 16. He sounds more spoiled than her and he’s obviously used to getting his own way. It’s going to be you that teaches her the value of money.
You have court-appointed counselors. Document EVERY communication with your ex, and present it to the counselors.
I would definitely bring it up to the counselor and discuss dad’s actions with an attorney. He is manipulating her for his benefit most likely.
Talk to your daughter instead of the internet and lawyers.
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right on again Elizabeth
Your daughter may want to go live with her father but when the fall comes be prepared to handle it she’ll be in trouble when you get her back either police or pregnant
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I’d ignore it. Kids know what they need vs what they want eventually.
Tell him to take you back to court then. Because that’s the only way it’ll change. Have to check with what age it is in your state for your daughter to decide for herself. Some places it’s 13+.
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Sounds like this was probably his plan from the beginning. Spoil her until she’s old enough to tell the court she wants to live with him full time. I would try to talk to your daughter. If only because your ex has shown he knows how to lie and manipulate already. Keep communication as open as you can to daughter but avoid saying anything negative about her dad. Let her form her own opinions because otherwise you will end up pushing her right to him. Kids rebel. So if you’re saying something negative about her dad she’s just gonna push to be with him. Do your best to be a good parent to her. That’s really all you can do. Follow rules you set in your home with her. Maybe revisit some if you feel like it but not just because you are trying to “win” her. Just keep doing your best and keep communication as open as you can. Good luck.
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Ignore him but talk to your daughter and not in his presence.
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Oh and keep his text messages also
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Ignore him. And talk to your lawyer so he doesn’t blind side you. She is old enough to tell the court where she wants to live full time and he can take you to court to change the custody order. If he does that and she gets up there and tells the judge she wants to live with him they will honor her wishes. But you make no sense because first you tell us how she does all these bad things and acts out at your house then you say she’s perfectly happy at your house? Doesn’t sound like it…
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Ignore it. You are doing the right thing by all of your children. And they may have a lot to offer her materially right now, but it’s a long life, she’s only going to be a minor for a while, but she will remember the values that you instilled in her all through her adult life and she will be gravitating to you even more then oh, trust me she will appreciate the life that you are giving her when she is an adult oh, and then she may pass those values to her own children rather than what he is teaching her
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Dad is taking your daughter down the wrong path. Won’t be long before she ends up in serious trouble, pregnant or worse. Sounds like you are the Stable/better parent for her. You are doing right by grounding her and being a parent and not her friend.
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I would ignore it, but you also stated that your daughter doesn’t like your rules, etc… she gets spoiled there, but tells that she likes your house more but just agrees with his manipulation to make him happy. I’m sorry, but that does not sound right nor suit well with me. It sounds to me that she may be starting to take on her dads habits and begun manipulation on her own.
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Maybe the child is playing both ends , driving both crazy ??
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50/50 custody can be hard on kids ( it’s proven )Not that they love one parent more than the other. Why not ask her ? Maybe with a counselor.
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Tell him that court ordered time only changes when it’s ordered by the court that he can petition the court for full custody if he truly believes those are her wishes but until it comes from a judge you have 50/50. My ex just tried to take custody of our now 14 year old yet again and the judge asked him his opinion and it turns out he was bribing my son and threatening to not give him the truck he inherited from his grandpa that passed on. Judges dont care for manipulating children if you can show correspondence with teachers ect trying to figure out school that’ll go a long way judges really don’t like parents playing the favorite house game
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You need to talk with your daughter so you both can be on the same page.
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These toxic situations are so hard to be in. It sounds like the typical narcissist with him, he’s only doing this stuff to try to pick at you. I always say try to avoid talking to him ever. And just focus on your life with your kid like he’s not around. When she’s older she will see how manipulative he has been. No amount of toys he can give her will match what your giving her as being her mom! So try to ignore him completely, like no contact if possible. Your doing a great job parenting to! Kids need structure! So just stick to your routine you have made with her!
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I would respond with “thats unfortunate she is having those feelings and X and I will discuss them on my time. Im not willing to go without time spent with her over hurt feelings or whatever this may be. I would hope you would encourage her to talk to me and resolve her feelings and not make it worse, I certainly would if she supposedly felt this way about your house.” Document everything bc if he is saying these things to her, its manipulation and the courts frown upon parental alienation.
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Sounds like he’s trying to buy her love. She’ll realize soon if she hasn’t already. Money and material items will come and go. It’s the quality time you spend with her that she’ll remember and cherish most.
Take notes, days, times, etc and Take him to court because what he’s doing is abusive and defamatory to you and mentally abusive to your child.
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I would never let my child go even if it is what they wanted, I would fight tooth and nail for my child. Do not let ex manipulate you! Have a talk with your daughter and see what she really wants. If she wants more time away let her stay there an extra weekend but I would also have the courts involved as my ex would be trying to get child support along with manipulating the courts.
Keep your head up momma.
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I would ignore him and discuss it with my daughter
Too bad. The court order says 50/50 so it’s 50/50.
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This is tough because if he does petition the courts she might be old enough to decide who she wants to live with
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Ignore it…she’s old enough to decide what she wants to do…less head ache for you
Holy shit. How do people get into these situations.
Ignore him and hold a discussion with my daughter
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Dealt with the same thing with my ex. Our 3 children have decided that they want to live with him… In another state. Bc they get away with everything there. It kills me to not have my kids here and it sucks being the “mean parent”.
I’m just hoping that some day they will see that it’s all out of love.
Our son started to see it at one point so naturally his dad filled his head with lies about me. I know that my son doesn’t fully believe his dad but it still sucks.
Good luck mama.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
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Be nice
Write everything down.
And keep being the good parent with rules for your child. It won’t be easy but I promise it will pay off in the long run. You are doing right by your child and that’s what matters.
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Sounds like he’s jealous of you and your new family? Lmao… naaahhh sounds like you are the one jealous.
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How about have a conversation with your daughter on how she feels. Honestly, depending on your state, she is old enough to decide herself who she would rather live with. Take notes, on everything. Save texts and vms
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“Attachment based narcissistic parental alienation”
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You know he’s being manipulative. Talk to her counselor. Ask them if they’d consider his actions his actions emotional abuse. Ask them for advise.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My rules are pushing away my daughter, what can I do?
Hmmmmm my heart breaks this young lady is being used soo much and at the end she will be the loser.AND SHE WILL BLAME YOU take it from me.
You may need to get all of you
Your ex your new your daughter his new (you did not mention that) to meet with counsellors and lawyers at the same time
Your daughter can chose to then say whatever
I would do tough love too No need to even put on paper you and your husband talk to your daughter
Nicely but firmly your says you want to (record it) go and live with him forever …we will miss you terribly because we love you but he’s your dad and if you feel more comfortable there we will not stop you at all. When do you want to go …
Then let ex know when and ahe can choose to stay there forever …
Do not worry that’s why God has given you a happy family with kids
When the pawn game is over 2 wks 3 months 6months 1year .she may come back
Do not let them manipulate you at all.
Surprisingly children like structures and strict rules but never show it …if her grades get worse then you report to the counsellors that you will have to let your ex know it is unacceptable …But I would be strong and keep out of it for a while NO NEED to fight at all
Nonchalantly (even if reluctantly) give her the space to go there.
Let her see what ling term with them is like
AND I REALISE THAT NON OF THESE PROBLEMS EVER TALK ABOUT GOD OR PRAYER
With children you have to been on your knees 24/7
It is a big job to be a parent in modern times
I wish we could talk one on one
All best
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Do not listen to what he says. You need to keep doing what you are doing. As you said your ex is manipulating your daughter. It’s not about her. He’s just jealous of you and your husband. Rise above it. Stay consistent. Wait till your daughter comes to you. Then have a talk with her. If you need help get a counselor. Stay strong!
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I spoiled my son because I had nothing as a child. It backfired on me. I only proofed to him that a woman will give you everything. Now all he does is use women and won’t even acknowledge me. Be very careful when spoiling a child. As a single mother I did above and beyond what I could afford. I now have no money need his help to no avail.
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Ignore him and speak to your daughter x
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Ouch cause her age. Courts would just let her choose. But still document and gather as much hostile evidence for her best interest for court as you can. Sounds like you should have it modified for her upbringing reasons. I fear this every damn day. Mine isn’t even 8 yet. But it will happen because children of divorce are bought by 1 parent and raised by the other. Go to court and modify time. Good luck mama. Don’t let her turn out to be anything but humble. Also get involved with her more at volunteering in the community. It shapes young teens to do better
Don’t listen to him. Especially if she is a happy child. She just don’t want to hurt him
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My rules are pushing away my daughter, what can I do?
Ask her what she wants. She’s old enough to make the decision and most likely a judge will factor in her opinion when it comes to changing any type of custody/visitation agreement. I would also speak with her counselor/therapist privately before her next session let her know what’s going on and ask if she can be an advocate for your daughter and be the person she can make the decision with without feeling manipulated, stressed or pressured to please.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My rules are pushing away my daughter, what can I do?
Have a calm heart to heart with her. Hear her out. Then explain your feelings. Tell her you love her, but you need to be a parent first.
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It’s time to sit down with your child and talk. Face to face. Not bossing her around or yelling or making her feel like she’s in trouble. Just talk. Don’t bring up anything about her dad. Ask her how she feels and tell her how you feel. That you want to be there for her and guide her, bad grades and attitudes are not acceptable. If she wants respect and for you to understand her, she needs to do the same with you. Try spending more time with her. You are her mother and kids always choose what’s easiest or most fun for them. They don’t know what’s best for them yet. I think her father just wants her to choose sides and not want to fully pay attention to what’s really going on. Your daughter needs you.
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One thing I really pick from this is you detailing bad grades. Don’t get me wrong, you absolutely want the best for your kid and its hard to glean exactly how you’re dealing with/reacting to bad grades. Please don’t punish your kid for this as the pressure of it will just make more stress and can actually result in worse grades. No matter what marks she gets please cuddle her and let her know either way you’re still proud of her. When you have time sit and help her with homework etc ask her if there’s anything particular she’s struggling with that she’d like help with. Bad grades aren’t the end of the world and many people have successful lives without any qualifications. If you penalise her too much she won’t feel comfortable telling you when she’s struggling.
(I understand this isn’t the main focus but it’s VERY important)
As for the dad, as has been mentioned sit down and talk with her, have a heart to heart and explain that you have rules not to make her miserable or constrict her life. She will be coming up to or even already at a very confusing and emotional time with puberty etc hitting. You will likely clash no matter what. Just be there for her and make sure she knows you’re there when she needs it and that she can come and talk to you about anything. As for the dad, he may give her anything she wants but trust me when I say that one day she will realise what you’re doing is right and in her best interests even if it isn’t right now.
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Talk to your daughter when she comes home. Don’t engage with him. She’s old enough to tell you how she feels. And then after that, you can talk to dad. But it doesn’t mean you have to concede with what she says either, you will just have a better understanding of how to navigate things with her. Unfortunately, the next phase of her life is the hardest on a mom when you have a girl.
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Document everything. If you can prove to court that they have no care about her schooling, behavior, etc you may be able to prove that they don’t need anymore extra time to continue negatively impacting the child.
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Fight for her! Go to court and get a court appointed mediation and possible counseling for your daughter. If the case she really wants the more time at your ex, document everything with the unhealthy money and gifts, her attitude and how she performs at school. The court is not Biased and will see what is in the best interest for her. Your daughter needs you most, your her mother!
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Explain all your rules to your daughter and let her decide on each one.
Example, doing poorly in school. Okay so if you don’t do well i school and i don’t check your grades, how will this affect you in the long run? If you are failing, do you want me to not do anything about it?
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Sit down with her, one on one… Let her know whatever she says is okay… Meaning you can not get upset if it’s something hurtful, you do not like. It’s an open communication… Don’t bring up the negative stuff. Just let her talk… If you ask a question and you see it’s causing her to get agitated or upset, tell her you see and understand she doesn’t want to talk about that at the moment… My mom and I had a hard relationship because I felt I couldn’t talk to her… I knew what she expected of me and if I didn’t achieve that I was afraid I would disappoint her.
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Yeah I would just say “I don’t have any plans to change the custody agreement” and drop it. He is trying to get a ride out of you. if anything were to legit happen or change I would just defer him to my lawyer.
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Wow this is a tough one. I can tell you from experience kids want rules. They also want to feel like they are respected. So don’t throw out the rules but ask her what makes her unhappy. The way we were raised does not work for them. Sending prayers. 
Been there it is very hard.
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Children are able to choose what home they prefer at a certain age…visitation gets rewritten…check your state.
Talk to your daughter, eventually a choice must be made. Her attitude shouldn’t be allowed to disrupt your other children’s lives just to compete with her dad. Keep parenting.
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She is old enough to make up her own mine and if she is set on staying with her dad then its not going to be easy to reason with her. Good Luck!
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Never run her dad down in front of her or to her
Don’t have too many rules keep it simple or as simple as you can,
Love love love her
Let her know you are there for her talk to her
When a child is at home they need peace they have enough pressure at school so try to give her space
Take her our just you and her and have a laugh a nd she will open up to you and then the respect will come in
I’m not saying no rules but just don’t start as soon as she comes through the door
I’ve been in this situation but the other way round
I told my children their dad loves them and I tried to be really positive about him
My girls are now 48 and 45 and are lovely decent people x
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Talk to your daughter. Tell her the reason you have the rules, that it’s because you truly want her to succeed and care about her. That you will respect her decision either way and still love her. That she is always welcome to be with you and your family, but the decision is hers. Even if she goes to her dad’s for a little while, it may be short lived. Just make sure she knows you love her, she is wanted and supported.
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Children don’t get to pick what’s best for them and you love her a lot so I think you owe it to her to try. If she resents you forever because of his manipulation you can always say you were there for her and did your best, these are hard years for any individual and if she’s still saying that when she’s 18 you can wave goodbye. I don’t even have kids BTW… good luck 
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