You’re her mom, not her best friend. She’ll thank you later in life, that you cared enough to have rules.
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She’s 13 sit down with her and see what she wants it’s about the child not the ex good luck mama
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I am sorry but how did you find out your daughter told counsellors in confidence that she likes your house but just agrees with him !!! Did your daughter tell you this or the counsellor . I have to say children can’t be manipulative and say what you want to hear . If it was confidential I doubt the counsellor told you
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Ask her to imagine her dad didn’t have any money to buy her all the toys and couldn’t take her on vacations… Would she still want to stay with him?
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Document, Document, and document EVERYTHING that way it’s writing I had to do it and it worked to my advantage.
Go to mediation and get court approved counselor for her to talk to.
Bring that momma bear out and fight for her
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Sit down and have a chat …
Take her out just u and her to the park and have lunch …u may find spending time with her she might open up … don’t mention dad or his family…( sound to me they are buy her love .briding her .) Just asking questions like how are u going .how’s school (don’t push the grades as long as she doing well at school don’t worry ) ask about her friends… . Do mother daughter stuff with her
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I’d talk it over with your child! If she’s disclosed that in counselling before she might just be agreeing with him to keep him happy again! I wouldn’t just take his word off a text !
Talk to her and if she wants to go live with dad let her go for a few months to see how things go if you are both fighting over your daughter it will affect your relationship with your other children as well and I am betting that a few months of living with him will mean he won’t be able to spoil her rotten and you will be able to spoil her a bit when you have her
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Definitely don’t listen to him in any capacity … he clearly demonstrated he is not trustworthy; talk to your child direct only and make it work ; kids are way more perceptive then we often give credit …
Talk with your daughter, then I would look at mediation, write down all your issues that are causing conflict with co-parenting and get them to write a parenting plan that you both sign of how these situations will be dealt with in the future if they arise.
I’ve been in your daughter’s position though I only visited my father every second weekend. she may honestly just like the peace and quiet that comes with being the only child in the home, or the friends close to his home. Most kids have pretty basic needs and wants.
Feel for you mumma x
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Parent alienation looks like his game to me. You are doing great by not feeding into it. Children see the truth in a situation even when we think we shield them from it. Rules are good they create healthy boundaries don’t second guess yourself there. I hope the best for you and your family much love
Just sit down with her and ask. If she does prefer being with dad then go back to court and reissue custody and living arrangements
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She is quite old enough to sit down and have a frank conversation about it.
But if her therapy was confidential how do you know what was said?
Dad thinks he can handle the daughter, let him have a go at it. Keep running your household exactly the way you do when you do have her for visits. Dad obviously has zero clue as to what he’s in for. The teenage years are the absolute toughest for both parents and the teens. I guarantee it won’t be long before you end up with your daughter living back home with you.
Your daughter is old enough to have a frank conversation about this. Do not under any circumstances refer to what she told her therapist in confidence which you should not even know. Just talk to her like an intelligent person and ask her what she wants. Why would even consider going off what your ex says if he is a manipulate liar?
Ignore it. If this was to go to family court u wouldn’t lose your time with her for being a good/ stricter parent
I nannied for a family like this. What really helped actually was having me nanny at his house as well as her house, and I was kinda the bad guy. Obviously they paid me for it, but yeah, having me there be also say “no, homework time” helped. I know it’s not financially possible for everyone, but that’s just what happened that family
In Texas, the child gets to decide where to live unless there were reasons one parent wasn’t safe. The child should be given 100% private meeting with the courts when making that decision so the child isn’t feing pressured by either parent.
You find out what you can do legally about how he is not co parenting your daughter with her best interests and that it is going to cause problems down the line that he is not keeping with a planned co parenting structure for your daughter. You both have to be on the same page you can’t have one parent being the only one holding the kids accountable while the other is not setting boundaries. Get a family counselor or arbitration on custodial agreement.
In California at 13 she can decide where she wants to live. He is brain washing her maybe because he knows he can groom her to want to change custody when she turns 13 
1st follow court orders so you are not in contempt of court. I went to court with a child who did not want to visit his mother at 14 the court ordered him to visit is mother 3 states away or dad would go to jail…
my question is why is her counseler telling you her confidential business 
maybe you’re being a helicopter parent
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Ignore him… maybe talk to ur child about her feelings… let court deal with the rest
You continue to be her parent. Ignore the ex and his games.
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She’s not in control of her life. She’ll just have to adjust for at least another 5 years. One day she’ll realize that having her own way, isn’t the ideal life. Go brave!
Sadly, if your ex isn’t willing to coparent and enforce rules, she will continue to behave that way.
Keep doing what you’re doing being a good mama and trying to raise her right.
The one who enforces the rules is ALWAYS the bad parent.
One day, she’ll appreciate it. Hang in there!
Hr sounds like he’s full of bribes. That is a huge red flag and her just saying to another adult she prefers your home not his tells me he’s using stuff over her.
Something don’t sit right with that to me. Kids actually appreciate rules… I don’t think she is acting out bc you have structure in your home I honestly think theirs something very wrong going on at her dad’s.
Petition for court and ask her counselor to give statement.
Well maybe it will help to do ur rules slowly and gradually that will not shock ur daughter. Then try to search online how to manage to integrate patents rules with kids. So later on she will get use to it. I knew its so hard at the beginning but u must be strong enough and determined to get ur goal of ur rules. Its so difficult for parents to put rules. But in every rules that ask her to do give her wat she likes to encourage her that its not punishment but an achievement for herself and u must be with her all the way to it
Ask the ex for more clarification. Seek advice from a mediator or attorney. She prefers your house bc she has boundaries and rules. Kids who grow up with no boundaries, or rules, and never hear no are horrible adults.
Back to legal proceedings. I had an ex like that. He lost as my daughter saw through him at 14. She refuses to speak to him now.
He sounds like my ex… A narcissistic, abusive manipulator. I’m so glad we live 3,000 miles away because last year he had gotten two days with her and she was wanting to move in next door, have a little “sister,” (his new wife’s daughter), and all sorts of things she would normally never say.
Your ex is toxic and so is everyone in his family and if you could get 100% custody at all, I’d say to go for it.
Otherwise, mayhaps counseling for you and your daughter so she can see what’s happening?
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100% keep doing what you are doing. You are a better person for it.
Some day I hope she realizes what they are doing when they stop screwing with her head.
If she doesn’t bring it up, and you don’t get a summons, it’s bullshit. Ask her.
Ignore him and let him know how many more years it is until she’s 18. End of convo.
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Well , a court order is a court order. Unless he is willing to pay for a lawyer to have ammenents made to it he’s bound by what the courts have agreed and so are you. If you think he’s going to pull a ‘lets take this to court’ care I’d say lawyer up. If he’s just being an annoying asshole unfortunately there’s not much you can do except join My Baby Daddy Aint Shit
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Take him back to court. He is not allowed to tell your daughter stuff like that.
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Get a lawyer & demand supervised visits until he learns to NOT manipulate your/his daughter.
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Neither. You face it and show her the text. Ask her, “hey is this true? Cuz i know you don’t like my rules and stuff but I’m here to protect you more than be your friend.” She’s going through an age where she’s going to want you as a friend more than a parent but please, stay her parent. This is coming from someone who NEEDED that. She needs to enjoy being her age but safely. Her job is school and good behavior while yours is everything else. Remind her of that. and listen to her. Sometimes there just needs to be listening. Being a parent is hard ASF. But be patient and do things legally so ex doesn’t manipulate you into saying or doing something you will regret. Also save that text. Screenshot it.
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I was very fortunate with my fabulous son. Ironically, after a difficult 10 yrs with 1st hubby, we became more respectful, for our son’s sake.
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Sounds like he’s a manchild with too much money for his own good. And your daughters. It’s important to explain yourself to your kids so they understand the lessons behind the discipline. The purpose of it. Without that, they just think you’re the jerk and he’s the cool parent. Ignore him and sit down with your kid and have a good talk. Put whatever cards you need to on the table and expect her to do the same. Kids admire honesty as much as adults do. It goes a long way.
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Depending on the state that you are in she is at the age where the fridge will take her opinion into consideration when determining time/custody.
Sounds like you and dad have no problem going to court, I would personally try to work it out between him because if he wanted to he court take you back to courts and since she is old enough she will also get a say in where she is
File for a custody modification at your local court. Start keeping factual records. Records all convos with ex. Document!!!
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Talk to your daughter. Find out WHAT SHE really wants. Get to the courts.
Go back to your lawyer and revisit child custody.
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Talk to your daughter.
Ignore the comment from him, court order stands
Ignore him. He’s just trying to cause trouble.
Positiveparentingsolutions.com saved my life with my 12 yo, now 15 yo We had to change how we were parenting. She doesn’t have to leave our home; she has both parents but we were losing her and we were constantly exhausted from the drama and constant arguing etc…. This parenting program is amazing and changed everything.
Court ordered is court ordered, tell him to kick rocks
negotiate them with her
Don’t ignore it but don’t go off. Get a councilor or mediator to settle it.
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Go to court with a a psychologist results. Idk how to say it properly.
Don’t give up ! Don’t change the 50/50
Let her go. Enjoy your life
Talk to your daughter.
Demand your time. Have court enforce it if necessary.
Talk to your daughter. Be candid and honest. Tell her if she wants that you would be sooo sad but would respect her wishes. Sometimes these kids have to learn the grass isn’t greener. Explain why you have rules and that won’t change cause you love her to much to allow her to go the wrong path. Try not to say anything bad about Dad… trust me these kids at that age know who is wrong and you pointing it out is not helpful and will seem manipulative like dad. These situations are super hard but if you stand firm they will come back. If she leaves text often and invite her often to come back or over. It will all work out!
You need to talk to your daughter one on one and just ask her if she really is wanting to live with her dad to spend more time with him. She is of age where she can now choose who she wants to live with.
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Time for a quiet chat with your daughter and maybe make a joint appointment with her therapist to discuss whats happening…if that allowed and your daughter agrees of course
Id hate to see this back in court and you losing contact with your child through his manipulation
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These situations are the worst. I’ve been a witness to something exactly like this. Unfortunately until kids can see the truth for themselves, they will fall victim to the narcissistic and manipulative parent. Children are easily brainwashed.l would have an honest conversation with your daughter and see where she really stands on the issue. Praying for you and wishing you the best.
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Yep went through this. Finally let son move in and year later he was back
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Keep up with counseling and talk with ur daughter about why rules are in place (to make her a good person) and that in the real world things are handed to us like dad does for her. And that there are real consequences for her actions and things she says
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Stick to your guns. One day she will respect u for it. Because u cant control what happens at dads. Ignore it and stop letting a teenager and childish dad run things.
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If she told a counselor something, you wouldn’t be told about it without her permission. And teenagers are known for telling counselors what they think they want to hear sometimes. They tend to tell most adults what they think they want to hear
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Kids just want everyone happy . They want peace and just enjoy both parents . She will understand all of your rules when she has to adult .
Believe what she tells you , they have to learn what we know about people . They didn’t get to pick their parents so help by listening and having rules .
Listen don’t react .
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Ignore his text unless he makes moves through court, but have a conversation with daughter.
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Sit down and talk with your daughter. Dont believe him. And don’t let him get in your head.
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I would talk to her one on one I went through similar thing except my daughter wanted to live with her dad and I didn’t listen so she falsely accused us of something and it was bad we have good relationship now that she is an adult
I went through this, also. I talked to my daughter and explained that I loved her, and that the rules were to help her be a better person. I told her she may hate me for it, but she would respect me because I am her mother and I love her.
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Write everything down and take it to court and let them know whats happening. Because thats bullshit
You say that’s too damn bad. It us illegal not to follow the judgment of divorce. BOTH parents have their time and it doesn’t matter what the child wants…at least in Michigan.
There’s a court order kid sorry but that’s the law literally. Yeah we all want free reign of life at 12 but we don’t get it because we are idiots at 12. I’d fight it and keep fighting her mama. Someone has to love her through this shit not try to buy her love through it! It’s gonna suck but just keep fighting!
How did she tell counselors in confidence she “agrees with his manipulation to make him happy” if you know about it?? Anyway, kids always have more fun with play time dads.
I’d take that back to court. What he’s doing is emotional abuse
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- How do you know what she has said in confidence to her counselor?
- Have you, talked to her about this? Which seems like the logical step considering the past actions.
- If she’s happy at your house, why do you say your rules are pushing her away? Teens do not sit quietly and act happy if they arent…not unless they fear abuse or retaliation to expressing their emotions…and even then that sometimes does not stop them.
- Let’s say everything here is true. Time to call a lawyer and get them on tap to argue your case, in the event he is not just blowing smoke and is ready to fight this. However, from experience, at this age a judge is MORE LIKELY to listen to and respect the opinion of the teen. Perhaps not for total removal of the mandatory time, but a reduction.
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I would talk to her to verify the information and definitely not take his word seriously. My daughter despises going to her Dad’s house and it’s tears every time she leaves. It’s a hard situation either way!
Fight for your 50/50, keep your home rules (she’ll appreciate them later), document everything in case something happens in the future and she suffers from Afluenza, you’ll have proof that you were doing your part as a responsible parent.
Have you tried just asking her directly? 
This same thing happened with my hubby’s oldest daughter. To the point she won’t even come over anymore. But has told counselors us etc mama makes her do these things and I feel like at this point the poor kid finally stopped coming over because it makes her life easier with her mom. Now sister number 2 she still comes every week like 50/50 says and these last 3 months she said everytime mom and sister pick her up they are yelling at her and treating her different ESP if she says she actually spent time with us and didn’t sit in her room. It’s sad
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Well for one, your daughter needs a different counselor if they’re telling you what she’s saying. Unless she’s a harm to herself or someone else or there’s abuse, it’s none of your business what’s being talked about in counseling. 2, talk to HER about it. Don’t mention her dad said anything. Ask her honestly what she feels.
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Follow court rulings and have a conversation with your child. Teens are hard. I’ve got a 15 year old and between 12-14 she was a night mare. Slowly it gets better but only with open dialog and communication. Sounds like the dad is enjoying this.
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Im going threw this with my four old and he ofen cries when coming to my house and even told me once that hes crying cause he didnt want to come, it hurts me more than anything in the world and i fear hes going to leave me one day
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I would make a day with just you and your daughter and talk to her. I would ask her if she is happy at your house. I would tell her that you will not punish her either way, that you would like to know. I would ask her if she would be happier living with her dad and if so, why! If she wants to live with him regardless of the reasoning, you may want to try and let her. That is not an easy thing to do!! I am a mother of three. I get it! If she moves in with him it may be fun for awhile, then again, only time will tell.
Ok yea get all paperwork together grades everything go to court explain to judge what is going on how she is aloud to do what she wants there but until then get into consulting with her she needs help and this will help you both plus when you got to judge he will see this…my kids use to call me Sargent rock their dad was the fun one now they come for mom fir all decisions and hard stuff they even comments dad fun but mom is needed
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Keep with the counseling. Document everything, where time.
Listen to daughter. Have an open mind. Stay calm
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Well she’s 13. They can’t decide until 16 anyway. At least in the state of Florida
Get her to continue the counseling and let her be totally honest with them. If need be go back to court. Document, document, document everything!!! Her dad is manipulating the situation.
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Here my opinion. Yall all ridiculous. If this was a dad, the advice would be horrible. Yet SHE says he is a narcisstic father and yall bash him. 
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Get a court order. Duh. And abide by it.
Talk to your kid and then decide. My dad had full custody of me and my siblings my mom was the no rule house and of course we loved it there because no rules but our dads house was stable and relaxing so i did wanna be with my mom but i loved my dads. Sometimes when its a parent asking you feel obligated to say whatever they want to hear. Talk to court about a G.A. we had one hes appointed for the kids to talk to him to do what the kid wants and whats best for the kid. Not the parents
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I’d talk to your daughter, she’s old enough to decide.
I would talk to your daughter about it. Try not to let your emotions get the best of you. Maybe it’s because of school sports or she wants to do after school activities. It’s hard to commit to something when your living 50/50 and one won’t let you go.
My suggestion try to make the punishment a natural or logical consequence Taking the phone away for every infraction is just leading to resentment. If it’s misuse of the phone then by all means take away the phone but sit with her beforehand and explain what your expectations are and together the two of you can come up with some consequences if she doesn’t follow them. I’d also not punish her for things that happen on her dads time and do not talk negatively about her dad or her time with her dad. Because it is really hard on kids when they are constantly having to hear negative things about the person who is half of them.
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I suggest making a change in the parenting plan. Where she is they’re during the school week and at dad’s on weekends because of it affecting her grades. And stop allowing her father to manipulate you make it so he can’t change the schedule with out two weeks written notice.
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A judge needs to hear this.
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I am sorry I know in a lot of courts now a judge will let a child as young as 7 tell the court which parent they rather live with and why in the judges chambers and the judge will take it all into consideration.
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Ask your child if that really is true or not.
Then get a lawyer.
Go to court.
Hash it out there!
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I recommend you plan a day just you and her and while you’re out (doing something fun … movie, shopping , eat out) you ask her what she REALLY AND TRULY wants and that there will be no judgement as to her choice
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Same problem with my 13 year old soon to be 14 year old son rules here no rules with dad amd dad also uses him as a pawn telling him at 14 he can legally decide he want to go with him. I have solw physical custody and my son is ADHD,ODD,anxiety so pf course he’s defiant.we also share a daughter who he neglects only wants our son.im in FL he’s in Pa.I left him in PA because he was abusive to Me he didn’t help with the kids.lived in NY for 3 years only visited them 4 times.I moved to FL because I could not afford NY not sure what my rights are if my son can choose where he lives considering his diagnoses I have asked around legal system no answer if he goes with his dad his dad will stop the medication our son is on and not try n help him with his ADHD,ODD and anxiety not sure what to do myself
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Ask her and record it, then go to court. I had a similar experience and my child would tell me she wanted to be here but then would turn around and say different to them. Idk about 13 but I know my child that was a bit older was given the right to choose where she goes and when. You can’t help what the other side does, but you also can’t just drop your rules. Hopefully when she gets older she will realize it’s not about trips and stuff.