My Significant Other Has Changed Since We Moved in Together, What Should I Do?

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"Prior to my spouse, I was a single mom. I’ve been used to being alone for a long time and have stayed single for mostly the last 9 years. Single has always been easier. 7 months ago I began dating a man who I actually knew through mutual friends. We immediately hit it off and honestly fell very quickly in love and I’ve pictured my life with him as a family since day one. Since meeting my daughter he has been incredible and there are so many good things that I love about him. We just moved in together a month ago and it was super stressful due to my daughter being sick with RSV in the hospital, me getting sick, and then all 3 of us getting covid. We’ve been dealing with a lot.

Since moving in though I feel like things have changed and he’s no longer meeting my needs. He isn’t as affectionate, we aren’t communicating like we were previously, we aren’t having sex, and if I try to talk about anything he gets mad. Most recently I’ve brought up how I wish he would stay up a little later so he and I could have alone time. He gets up at 430 every morning for work and wants to go to bed by 7 every night. My daughter doesn’t go to bed til 7. So we get ZERO time alone through the week and since moving in he has stopped trying to do date nights or anything alone. I’m not asking him for much but even if he would stay up til 730 we could have 30 mins to just be us, whether that is sex or just alone time to talk. I’m trying not to be frustrated but I feel he’s unwilling to sacrifice anything to help me figure out time to have together. Is this something that will get better or am I just now seeing the real colors since we are living together!? I want this to work and I love him but I have needs that need to be met. My number 2 love languages are time and affection and he isn’t filling either one of those most recently. Help! What should I do. (Also. I’ve sold my home and all my furniture to move into his house which scares me now)"

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The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.

“I always hear the expression “live with them first and you’ll see how they really are” so maybe that’s how he really is. Being in a relationship you need to understand the others love languages and put effort into doing it even if it’s not your thing. He needs to do this. I’m the same way, my love languages are touch, affection and if I don’t get them I will start to panic thinking somethings wrong. Tell him you need more… how it was before. You need the talks, the sex, the affection, etc. it’s not fair for him to change like that then except you to not have any issues about it”

“I understand your frustration cause I am currently going through it. My husband gets up at 4:30 and he goes to sleep around 8 and that’s right when the girls go to sleep so we don’t get that much time together aline during the week but the weekends he definitely always makes it up to me. Maybe try talking to him and sitting down and talk about how you 2 can spend more time together.”

“Y’all have only been living together one month and have alot going on. Give it time! Everything will all work out as it should!”

“You both are having to make life style adjustments. How about putting your daughter to bed half an hour earlier it’s find someone to take her overnight once a month so you can have alone time. Why does he have to initiate date night you are able to make plans. As far as selling your house you should have kept it and rented it out.”

“Its him but not in a bad way. He doesn’t have kids. He’s not used to everything. Give him time to adjust.”

“I think you are looking to deep into it life is stressful with kids sickness and just moving in and with how short you guys have been dating it’s probably just a little intimidating to him and plus what you described is kinda what married life is all about no date nights or time by yourself without kids my husband and I might get alone time like once every 3 months we have 4 kids and have one night without our kids once a year which is our anniversary but we love each other and make it work good luck”

“honestly he’s getting 8 hours its not like he’s trying to go to bed at 430pm. maybe set a day/time once or twice a week so he’s not always sacrificing sleep because that will only lead to a grumpy man.”

“I’m sorry but a couple of serious red flags went up while reading your post. “Since meeting my daughter he has been incredible” and he goes to bed when she does. Some men prey on single mothers to have access to children. I would be watching every move or get my daughter out of there (send to relative for awhile) and see how he reacts. Something doesn’t add up”

“The reality is things change when you live together. I imagine you’ve changed in his eyes too. Talk to him explain how you feel and if he doesn’t listen or make changes then you have the answer your looking for.”

“Honestly I don’t blame him for being in bed by 7 if he needs to be awake by 0430 to go to work. Maybe put your daughter to bed early one a week or so so that way you can go to bed with him and maybe reconnect that way (be it sex or just pillow talk) if not and you feel that strongly get a relationship counselors and give that a shot.”

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