Does anyone here have a partner who just doesn’t care for gifts, but you do? Like… they don’t necessarily want/value gifts themselves, so they don’t really think much of them for others either? It sincerely hurts my feelings that I put so much thought and effort into gifts for my husband, and he doesn’t do the same for me. I understand it’s petty, and there are bigger problems in the world… but I’m going to be petty about it. I’ll be the first to admit I’m bougie, but I’ve told him that it’s not about money. He doesn’t have to spend money to make me happy. A handwritten note is sufficient. Breakfast in bed, getting up with our daughter in the morning, a foot rub… there are so many ways to show love and appreciation for someone without spending money… but I know he won’t even do something like that. Sincerely, I’m really not looking forward to being the only person without a gift to open tomorrow night. With all the gifts under the tree… not a single one is for me. Even my stocking is empty and will remain empty, while the others are stuffed with goodies. Usually I get stuff for myself… but decided it wasn’t worth it this year. I can’t possibly be the only one feeling this way.
I think its all about the kids honestly…I dont expect gifts…just for the kids
Love languages. Ya’ll should look into them and discuss. Some people truly don’t understand that the way they give and receive love can be totally different than someone else …(love language). Once you can both communicate what your love language is and understand…things will be so much better.
I don’t like receiving gifts and he loves to give gifts. They were raised differently when it came to the holiday season than myself. I used to be so hurt because I felt like he could only show me love with a present. We’ve been together 5 years now and this Christmas he asked me what I wanted and usually I tell him whatever you want to do but this year I said the only thing I want for Christmas is to not open a gift and make it all about the kids because that’s how I was raised. Once you hit 18 there was nothing under the tree for you. And the type of presents we got we’re always home made so it meant more.
Lots of men are like that… . I just buy what I want with his card:woman_shrugging:
Look at Love Nudge…it’s an app that teaches you what love languages are, what one person needs from the other, and you can set reminders and goals for your relationship daily, weekly,and monthly.
If I get gifts for Christmas then it’s a bonus!
What truly makes me happy and is the best gift for me is too watch the reaction on my kids faces when opening their gifts. The happiness that fills the room is priceless…
Have someone outside of the family talk to him about how you feel maybe that’ll make him realize how much this hurts you, like you said maybe at least a card
Welp…then perhaps you should find someone who feels the same. If you choose him, don’t complain.
I put my own gifts in my stocking, my husband doesn’t think to that But he does take out the garbage, puts gas in car and does all the other shit throughout the year I don’t want to. I will stuff my stocking full with his 20$, if it means I dont have to do all that other stuff
Have a read of 5 language of love by Gary Chapman.
This year i boughtyself what i wanted and bought him nadda (not to be mean but thats how it ended up) i told him we cam buy himself something in jan.
Ive been working non stop since nov 18th so i treated myself
Since it might be too late to trade him in on a new one, about a month before Christmas next year, write a very clear list of what you want.
Don’t buy him anything. Once he realizes there is nothing for him after a year or 2 he’ll catch on
Last year my so was like this and we didn’t exchange. We did this year and we both were much happier.
Hubby and I both aren’t gift people. I used to want cards, but he just isn’t that type. So I figured I had a choice. Get upset and bitchy every holiday about a card or accept that he shows me he loves me every day in the little things he does. Our anniversary was the 22nd. Christmas was yesterday. No cards. No gifts. We spent the day together yesterday. Like we have done since September when he got hurt at work. I work from home. Then covid. So 24/7 together. And I love him.
I think it’s pretty common for the mom to do it all.
I haven’t gotten a gift for any occasion for 5 years now.
I means I don’t see the big deal. To me holidays are for the kids not the parents. You can’t make him change. Expectations breed disappointment. You know he doesn’t care for gift exchanging, so why do you expect it to change?
Honestly don’t get him anything. My husband and I never buy each other gifts, we just do for the kids. We both prefer to make sure they have a nice holiday than worry about gifts for each other. If it’s that important to you you need to straight up tell him that it not only bothers you but makes you feel bad and unloved…
I’d have you guys study the love languages. It sounds like the one involving gifts may be one of yours. And that doesn’t mean you’re materialistic, but you value the meaning behind the gifts. He needs to understand this for the long run of your relationship.
I put my own gifts under the tree, fill my own stocking. The kids would find it odd mom and dad didn’t open something from Santa.
The issue of the gifts from is something deeper. Idk if he’ll talk abt it but you could always just tell him you want a certain amount of $ n buy yourself what you want 🤷 lol
You need to explain to him that part of your love language is receiving gifts. Its not about the expense. Its about the time and thought that goes into a special gift he knows you would love. Even though he’s not big on gifts its listening and understanding your partners needs.
But also find his love language to see more of his love.
My husband don’t care at all for gifts and when asks says nothing seriously. He says spend it on the kids,
he prefers hand made gifts. But he understands that gifts are part of My LL after years of reminding. Lol
This year, my husband and I couldn’t do for each other because of our finances. We could barely do for our kids. Honestly though, I think you are 99.9% of all wives/mothers. I’ve been a mother for almost 18 years and usually, there’s nothing under the tree with my name on it either. However, my husband and I do for one another throughout the year, so it really doesn’t matter to us.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is one thing for your husband to have the opinion that he doesn’t want to receive gifts. That’s his choice and it doesn’t sound like you should get your hopes up that he’ll be grateful for the time, thought and effort you put into buying him things, so I’d save the money and just stop. That being said, if he knows that you would like and appreciate a gift or two then it is inexcusable that he doesn’t get you anything. In fact, it seems almost cruel. If you have talked to him and explained that it hurts your feelings and he still refuses to buy you something, I would take a serious look at your relationship. If he loves and respects you he would not intentionally do this to you knowing it breaks your heart. I am so sorry, you deserve to be treated better than this. Sending prayers
My other half and I only buy for the kids (we’ve got 7 total). Christmas is more for the kids in our opinion.
Yup. My husband doesnt like giving gifts and doesn’t care if he gets them. Gifts are important to me tho, both giving and receiving. I do all the Xmas shopping and take my husband to pick something out for me. Communication is important. I let my husband know a few years ago that I wanted actual gifts and would be upset if I was left out on holidays. So every holiday the compromise is either I tell him directly what I want and how he can get it, or I go with him to pick it out.
Your love language is gifts, what’s his? He may be showing you lots of love that you’re just missing because your desires aren’t matched. My love language is gifts and my husbands is quality time, I’m just now figuring this out 10 years down the line.
When talking about Christmas budget, I always mention we should each spend X amount on one another, X amount on son, X amount on family/friends.
You just need to sit down and explain that your love language is different than his and you need different things to feel loved. There are books about the different love languages, it would probably help if you both sat down and read about it together.
We didn’t do gifts for each other,just the kids and mom…we figure we get what we truly want all year long, and Christmas isn’t about gifts…I enjoy watching the kids open and being excited…thats my gift.
Yes it’s about the kids but I think she’s getting that in general she just wishes that he would surprise her sometimes
My in-laws are the same way about gifts. I show my love by giving gifts so it was hard for me the first year. I understand it though because their love language is different. I still give them a little gift at Christmas though to show my love.
Not sure how long you 2 have been married,but if its been a while and its been like that from day 1 he probably won’t change…good luck.
I’m sorry, that has to hurt. Maybe a friend will read this and let him know how you feel. If that doesn’t work, seeing you are the only one without a gift( no mater how small), will embarrass him and he will see your hurt.
I told my husband this year to skip the presents for one another and we would just fill each other’s stocking. Well I didn’t count on my hubby so I bought stuff to fill my own and then Xmas eve he admitted he forgot to buy me anything which I figured he would anyways. That’s just the way he is though I wish he put more thought into those things he doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. I understand that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me. He hasn’t bought me a gift in forever. For Mother’s Day I asked for back rub coupons and he forgot and didn’t give me them until my birthday a month later. It is frustrating sometimes but yet I know if there is anything I really want he won’t tell me not to buy it. We kinda just spoil ourselves instead of each other. It works. He is hard to buy gifts for anyways. Also, my husband does not take hints whatsoever so if I want something I have to flat out ask for it. Hope you still had a Merry Christmas at least
My husband hates gifts he considers them surprises and it irritates him. He’s not use to them so he has never liked them
Yes. I get my own things. Or go to a store and give strick details about a couple things I want and he gets a choice between the things… also I realized he’s love in a different way. Like one time it was freezing rain and he woke up at 1 in the morning to salt the drive way so I wouldn’t fall on my face coming home drunk. Its the little things iv learned to appreciate
This is EXACTLY the reason why is so important to weight all these while dating.
I hate to say it, but unless that he changed after you guys married, you have no really reason to complain. In the sense that you knew that he was like that while you guys were dating.
I hate the type of guys that go to night clubs to socialize, bc I hate to go myself. That’s why I made sure the guy I married felt the same.
In my case is the opposite of you. Bc of religion growing up, we never celebrated Christmas or birthdays, so to me isn’t a big deal. My husband on the other hand challenges himself to give me the most extravagant gift every time, I usually just give him cash or a last minute handwritten note.
I hate that he smokes but I can’t really complain all the time when I was the one who decided it wasn’t a deal breaker.
If you put a lot of effort on the gifts you give him do it without expecting him to do the same. You can’t expect something from someone who isn’t on the same page as you.
Everybody has different love languages. If you haven’t talked to him, do that. If he doesn’t see it the same way you do. Then that’s just how it is. Can’t make him change the way he sees things.
You need a new man cuz it’s the thought and looks like there is none on his part.
He needs to learn how to make you feel loved. Let him know. About the gift I think it’s a bit dramatic, I think what you really want is something from him because that would make you feel special. And yeah your feelings are justified.
And holy freaking cow at all the women who put up with this. “That’s just the way he is.”… um no
We got all gifts for the kids this year… it was a hard year I’m sure for every one. But don’t get him any gifts if u know he isn’t getting u Any. I understand you even if it’s a card or a candle or anything. But don’t go out of ur way to even get him anything then. Just get for urself then that’s what I do.
I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t know how to feel if my husband didn’t get me a gift for Christmas etc. Maybe have an honest conversation about how you feel.
The best advice I can give after going through a similar thing is to just be 100% transparent and honest about how you feel to your husband. Maybe he really doesn’t realize it’s that important to you. And I don’t think it’s petty, for the record. All you want is to feel the magic and surprise of the holiday just like every other member of your family. That isn’t petty or selfish or materialistic. It’s just wanting to be included and I think it’s a total valid feeling.
You need to read up on the 5 love languages. Also it was a hard year for us, so me and my husband didn’t get each other anything for christmas, as we made sure our kids had a great Christmas.
You’re not wrong to be feeling a certain kind of way. My ex was like that- he would “forget” my birthday but go all out for a mutual female friend. Eventually, he cheated on me enough he became my ex. I remarried last year, and the difference is staggering. He lets me know in a thousand ways how much I mean to him.
It doesn’t take much money to put effort into it.
The gifts and presents is why I loathe Christmas or any holiday where gifts are involved. I hate that stuff but I learned my partners love language and even though I personally find that stuff obnoxious and stupid I have to do what I need to make sure that his needs are met. I got no presents from him and I don’t care. Everyone is different so you need to find a way to make you both ok.
It happens to me every year and yes it is hurtful…I get it
Try 40+ years of it.
I have dealt with this for many many years, & sorry to say it just started being notice after about 20 years.
I had to point out it don’t matter if it is just a box of chocolate, its the thought that counts. As I do all the shopping for our kids & all nieces & nephews & the hubby is spoiled him damn self:woman_facepalming:. Its very difficult to deal with and will also take him time to understand the simple things. Sorry you are dealing with that.
DM me I will send you a gift hun.
Be blessed & never stressed
Highly recommended you both read the 5 love languages. He may not understand that you receive love through gifts and acts of service
My husband isn’t the type to buy gifts. I make sure I have one under the tree for me and I buy my
Own stuff for my stocking( I do this so when my kids were young they didn’t think mom got nothing and I still do it as my two granddaughters would question why grandma has nothing in her stocking from Santa)
In the same situation, have expressed my feelings, happens for every occasion. Extremely hurtful that he doesn’t even make an effort, not even a card.
Just tell him you want presents, and show him exactly what you want and where/how to get it/them. Or give him a short list and tell him how many items you want from it if you want a bit of a surprise. It worked for me! Take all the thinking out of it for him and set him up for success. Bonus points if you can get store/online gift wrapping included. If not, make sure he knows where to find gift bags & tissue paper on hand.
Its hard. Usually we get eachother something. This year we couldn’t we focused in the kids and it made christmas harder i do say so myself. I enjoy opening gifts from others or as you said even a foot massage or back rub even just a movie together with no kids. Its nice. Dont feel petty about it. Its not petty. You have a right to your own feelings but as said above. Explain yhis to him. He may not know exactly how you feel and that its really that imp to you.
Don’t be afraid of being absolutely blunt. Spell out how you feel very clearly. Also, check out the SNL skit, “I got a robe.” You’ll either laugh or cry.
My husband is the same way. Before we married he would shop for me on Christmas Eve. Now we have kids and he just doesn’t put the effort. He shows his love in other ways but never gets me presents. It hurts my feelings. Even something small would do, then he feels bad and says he owes me a present. I could tell he felt guilty this year and he said he is going to give me money but it’s not the same. My birthday is on the 29 and I know I won’t get anything there either.
My friend and I used to take each other’s kids and go get gifts for the momma’s (us) every year. This ensures that there something under the tree for us from the kids. This might be something that you can do to with a mom friend.
Devote the time, energy, money and effort into YOU, your child, your home. Eventually your disconnected SO might notice the difference, if not…oh well. A change is gonna come!!
Hes never gonna change so give him a list and say u want 2 things off it
Your not so if you want a gift get it I know its not the same but its about loving yourself. my boys are grown get me nothing but I know they love me in there own way they also don’t get their wife’s anything.
I’d suggest this short read for you both. There’s also a quiz you both can take so you can get an understanding of what each of you consider your love language to be. It’s a matter of communication and understanding what would make your SO feel appreciated. But like most things in relationships it requires 50/50 effort. It sucks when you don’t feel appreciated and you can feel so resentful, but it’s really about having an open and honest conversation; that will go a very long way. Wishing you the best of luck!
Try to communicate your feelings without bringing in emotion and state how he needs to show some effort at least. If he’s not even getting up with his own children from time to time, thats a problem. Parenting shouldn’t just be the mother, it needs to be both of you. If things don’t change, just give him the same effort he gives you and spoil yourself from now on. Somebody has to show you love, and if its not from him, get it from within
You’re not the only one…I asked my ex-husband to take.my kids to buy me a mothersday present bc I sprained my ankle Nd they asked me to take them…he said.i wasn’t his mother
…that was 40 years ago but I never forgot
My ex was the same way 25yrs of never getting gifts unless I got them for myself I never realized that was basically the way everything was it’s took me 6yrs to get over him leaving but I realize now I will never settle again… talk to ur husband tell him how it makes you feel if nothing changes I’m sorry cause I know how it hurts
My husband and I are the same way! He got me nothing for Mother’s Day. Then nothing for my birthday/our anniversary and then nothing for Christmas last year. I cried each time. I told him how rude it was. I finally sat down and explained everything to him. He hates gifts. Doesn’t like them. I still have to remind him sometimes but he’s gotten much better now with having the kids make a craft or little things. He still sucks at it, but at least he tries lol for Christmas he bought me jammies. Most women would be like WTF?! I’m 6 months pregnant and miserable. It means so much more that he thought of comfy jammies than something expensive and huge.
My bf doesn’t buy gifts for anyone or any occasion. If I tell him I want something he gives me money to buy it. It’s not the same but it works for us. He had gotten extremely attached to my cousin’s baby who he tells everyone is his grandson (my cousin and his son) like each other but haven’t dated. But he bought him a toy truck and tractor to match his and that melted my heart
Mines the same, he says effection is his gift, but I mean flowers wouldn’t hurt hehe
Then dont buy him anything either, see how he likes it
Some people just dont care, my bf dorsnt and ive just learn to deal with it, it sucks but there isnt anything i can do about it
Mine doesn’t either. He gets pissed if I get him the wrong thing. He threw a fit when the robe he asked for wasn’t what he wanted. Like literal acted worse than any child I’ve ever seen. Behavior he would get on to our children for. We have talked about it way to many times to count. Hasn’t changed. Luckily I have an awesome 19yr old daughter that made sure I had a gift to open.
That’s why i buy myself stuff, it is worth it to me and doesn’t bother me at all. You should have an idea the type of person you are with by now. Not that your feelings are invalid but to me it will only hurt you more to have expectations that you will not see happen. In all honesty…
I wouldn’t buy him anything let him see how it feels
These statements make me realize how fortunate I am. My husband puts me first in everything. Sometimes I feel guilty.
Do the love language quiz and share your results with each other. It helps knowing what the other person values as a loving act.
I don’t care about gifts but my Husband does so I make sure to go all out for him because that’s his love language. He used to think buying me things was what made me feel special but it’s actually quality time. Now he makes an effort to plan dates and give me one on one time.
It’s helped our marriage so much.
Me I doubt care if I get a gift on my birthday Valentine’s and mother day. All I want is a card. On them days. A card mean more two me than a gift because they pick that special card out it come from there heart. My husband sometime got me a gift on Christmas. But we most of the time brought chritmas decorations two put out side. I would give anything two have that back agan put my husband past away 2018 we was marry 44 years.
My husband doesn’t buy me anything unless it’s last minute or I tell him I want it for my birthday that’s coming up or our anniversary or etc but in all fairness to him he dose have issues remembering dates (due to previous head trauma) so unless someone reminds him he totally has no clue I’m in charge of all the birthdays for our kids our anniversary all holidays he just can’t grasp time he literally thought Christmas was still a month away a week before Christmas this year so when we run our errands I’ll tell him what I want and usually it’s ok well you know what our budget is if your comfortable spending that go ahead and get it or I’ll just buy it myself and tell him look what you bought me but now he will surprise me with things he knows I like or a random massage or flowers for no reason and he is always helping with the kids he changes them feeds them plays with them and whatnot they may be in the wrong outfits for what I wanted if he dresses them without supervision but their dressed
I don’t like holidays nor celebrate holidays but my husband does. For one I don’t like being a “have to”. I like being a just because. You know how many times I hear “I still HAVE to get so and so a gift”. I don’t want a gift because of a deadline. I want a gift because you saw something I would like just out and about. No deadlines and no special reasons.
I always bought my own and told him what I got from him. He would give me the money for my own presents. It worked for us. I also would buy flowers and he would say I got you flowers today and I would thank him.
Hubby asks me what I want. Then he buys what I exactly want. Then might put so effort into something else.
My honey always buys me gifts for Christmas Valentine’s b-day etc
But I always give him cash because I never know what to get him
32 years of marriage. …I totally relate. Thank God I have kids. xoxo
Me and my husband do not buy each other gifts and we are very happy with that decision, it takes some extra stress off us both at an already stressful time of year, same for bdays. Instead we buy something together for the house and that is our present to each other. We also buy for each other randomly throughout the year, that way a gift is more meaningful than just being pressured into it because it’s an occasion where everybody else does. X
My husband is the same way. I told him what I wanted and that I also wanted a small surprise from the heart. It’s the day before Christmas and he still just had the blanket that I had already picked out.
I bought him a lot of nice gifts. I told him to give me the money and I would buy my own dang surprise. I bought a Vera Bradley purse lol and the wallet from my daughter on his dime.
I don’t get so much as a valentines card or Mother’s Day card unless I tell him to get me one. It’s a man thing.
Zmund Alejandro Opiña
My husband is the same way. For over 32 years if I want something I will go buy it. Sometimes he will say if you see something buy it or couple years on Christmas eve, it was let’s go shopping and find you a gift. You are correct too it doesn’t have to be gifts, helping the kids make a craft, foot rub. My husband is retired and he does 90% of the housework or more, the grocery shopping and takes my mom to dialysis so I don’t have to quit working during the day to do it. Those mean more to me than material gifts. But talk about how this makes you feel.
It really is a the thought that counts. I can’t imagine not buying someone I “love” a gift or two for Christmas.
Try reading about love languages
My hubbys the same way…
Quit buying for him then. It worked for me before
I’m the opposite. I’m like your husband I’m not big on birthdays or presents and it’s caused a lot of arguments. I get nervous on what to get that it will be too corny or not good enough so I just ask them to agree not to get each other anything.
Figure out what his love language is , its easy to feel unappreciated when you’re speaking different languages
Sounds like you have different love languages.
Im big on doing for others but not letting them do for me. I dont care about getting gifts. my family is THE gift
You arent the only one honey. We are going on 13 years of him not caring and me caring about every gift giving holiday. Every year I tell myself I wont be disappointed because I know how it is, but i get upset every time. Moms stocking is always empty on christmas. Its really sad, and Im with you on wanting to be petty about it. Ive tried recognizing the other ways he loves me, but it doesnt take much for him to put some sort of special effort in it every now and then. I didnt buy him anything this year and didnt say a word. I could tell he was disappointed. Good, maybe he’ll remember that next time.
My husband seems to buy gifts for me that are really for him, bikinis and jewelry for my naughty piercings… it is super annoying
Everyone’s love language is different
It’s a love language thing… I could care less about gifts, I’ll just buy what I want for myself… now, clean the kitchen for me, or finish a project I’ve been working on for me like putting up a shelf or something. I’m happy as a clam! Lol - you both have different love languages!
I got nothing for Xmas this year, not from my own family or my SO. I watched everyone, adults and kids open up gifts and I was the only person who didn’t have anything. I feel so unloved and selfish at the same time 🥲