Hello mommas, I don’t know what to do; I’m dying inside. Twenty-four years ago, when I was 15, I was just starting to date my now-husband. I was assaulted by an older man. I found myself pregnant, and my husband never asked for a DNA test because he always said it didn’t matter. We would go to our graves not to tell ANYONE, especially our son. Fast forward 24 years, and we obviously never told our son how he came about. He and his dad are so close. Well, I just found out that my 24-year-old son took the ancestry DNA kit test. I’m so afraid it’s going to expose our secret. If it does, I can’t bring myself to tell him how he was born. He had two female friends that were assaulted, and it tore his soul to the core. I don’t know what to expect or what to do. If this gets exposed, it will emotionally destroy him. I’m almost wondering if telling him I was young and cheated would be a better lie than telling him he was born from assault. I don’t want to hurt him; I don’t want him to be destroyed by this. My husband and I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any advice, I will gladly take it. Please help me as my son is the most precious thing to his dad and me.
Your son is old enough to handle the truth. Sit him down and explain to him about the assault, why you chose not to say anything sooner and give him time to process everything. It’s going to be hurtful but the news is better coming from people who love him then another source (such as a DNA kit). Don’t lie and say you had an affair. Nothing good ever comes from lying.
He sounds like a well adjusted, compassionate adult and the least difficult thing for you all is to have a candid discussion about the truth of your history- that with the perpetrator, your husband and your son. I sense that you feel a great deal of shame for having been assaulted and keeping quiet about it, but there’s no need to feel shame. Look at what a beautiful and stable family evolved from that violation- because YOU willed it to happen that way, and made good choices. The time to talk about it is now, with the ones you love, and who love you, the most. Let your courage and power shine, you are an example of how to love strong in the aftermath of abuse! Everyone should know that it IS possible❤ Best wishes
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My son came from me being assaulted and I am afraid of him finding out: Advice?
I would not lie… the fact is that you and his Dad raised him and love him no matter how he came about… he will appreciate and understand the truth more, you don’t want to lie about what happened then he finds out the truth…
Tell him the truth. As hard as it may be, it’s better than him finding out you lied to him about being unfaithful. Does he resemble your husband at all? If not you might want to tell him BEFORE he gets his results and finds out on his own.
Tell the truth. You cannot help what happened to you. He deserves to know the truth
If you lie then he will forever be searching for his real dad … And will maybe someday find him … If he knows the truth it might save him more pain later on .
Always tell the truth
Don’t lie. Truth is always better. Even when it’s hard.
I would personally sit him down (before the results come back) & explain that there is a possibility that he might find out his father is not biologically his father but that it doesn’t change anything between the two of them. Lying to him about the way he was conceived probably isn’t your best bet either though as he may want to reach out to the family members of your rapist or even the man himself. It will also make it possible for those family members or him to reach out to him and then the truth may come out. Just be honest with him that you were assaulted and your husband didn’t want the DNA test because it didn’t matter who his biological father was, your husband is his dad in all aspects of the term.
I would be honest with him. Both you and your husband sit him down and tell him together.
Prayers for you. It’s never easy
I personally wouldn’t tell him
Be honest if you really love that person you would be honest from the start no matter who the person is
The truth. Let’s say you tell him you cheated he’s going to want to know who the dad is ? So why keep the lie going. If that makes sense the truth is always better.
You HAVE to tell him the truth, no matter how painful it may be.
You shouldn’t lie cus he’s gonna wanna have relationship with the man yu should always b honest even if it’s gonna hurt
Don’t lie, it’ll only be worse once he finds out you lied when he goes searching for that other man.
Tell him. He deserves to know the truth and you don’t want him to find out for himself and seek potential family members without knowing the truth first.
He will respect you more for telling the truth no matter how bad it hurts you both…
My friend found out from ancestry that the man who raised her was not her “dad”. Her real father passed away when she was barely 1 years old. She was shocked to find out but is ok knowing the truth. Be honest with your son please
Tell him the truth. Don’t lie because if you say you cheated and he is able to find this man somehow …he will have connected with a rapist. It’s not your fault and it’s not his. Out of that trash heap of a situation you and your husband got a blessing…him!
I know it will be painful, but the truth is always better. A lie will just lead to an entanglement of more lies.
Don’t lie to him. My mother was young and assaulted and I showed up. I was lied to. DON’T LIE TO HIM. the lies fucked me up way more than the truth. I’m still going to therapy and working through the amount of mistrust that has come into my life.
Be 100% honest with him. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were attacked and it’s not your fault.
Always tell the truth and then the three of you can all get through it together… A lie is never the answere. Thoughts and prayers. Sit down together and tell him…
You should tell him the truth. I’d rather know the truth instead of a lie to keep the secret covered.
Tell the truth, Don’t lie… what happens if the time comes that he will found the truth… From the way I see it, I think you raised your son very well, he will definitely understand you & your husband about the decision you have made. Just sit him down and a calm and relaxing talk. If you lie, he might search for the “father” you said you cheated with. TELL HIM BEFORE THE RESULTS CAME BACK!
Love from the Philippines 
Honesty is always the best choice.
Tell him the truth and have all three of you sit down and explain that it doesn’t change who his true father is and how much you both love him.
Sit him down and tell him the truth. Before he finds out on his own and then it will be worse.
Either it shows his dad is his, and nothing changes.
Or it shows that his dad isn’t and nothing changes, and/or he has a tender heart towards you.
But don’t lie, might be a hard subject, but he deserves the truth either way.
I found my bio. I still see the guy who raised me as my dad not the sperm donor but I like knowing the truth I found truth myself on ancestry dna age 28band I was pissed.
never lie… Tell him the truth only if he asks. His Dad is his Dad, he raised him, he loves him. Move on. Sounds like you are the one having issues. Get some help for yourself and stop tormenting yourself. God Loves You!
I think the truth coming from you and your husband is way better then a lie. Him finding out the truth on his own will hurt him more I believe.
Being honest is the best thing to do. As much as it may hurt. He was raised with love and that’s what matters.
U would tell him the truth in my opinion I would have told him while he was young so he knew but I wouldn’t lie what if he trys to find his family not knowing what the father did to you and gets caught up in all of that I would most certainly sit him down and be honest I bet that will crush him either way but might be easier coming from you than a website
Whatever you choose to do do not cover up a lie with another lie. When the truth comes out … as it always does even years later you can emotionally mess him up more then what the truth would… there are alot more resources out there to help families with trauma.
Tell the truth and get him counseling if needed. Truth is always the best.
Truth is best you got this
I would be honest… I feel like u should of been honest Ages ago… He is 24 u can’t Keep it from him
Dark to light …light continues .
The ONLY Way Your son would know that his father isn’t biologically his; is if your son knows anyone from your husband’s side of the family that has already done a DNA test from ancestry. com.
Don’t lie. Tell him now:pray:
If you keep stacking the lies, that’s just going to hurt him more. He’s going to want to know WHO it is. I feel for all of you. The truth would be better than another lie hun. If it comes out, just sit him down (both of you) and talk to him.
My cousin is 38 .He took it and found out the man he called daddy isn’t his real dad . His mom his dead ,and his daddy want even talk to him about it… he’s crushed, but still loves his parents… just be honest with him… . Ur willing to tarnish ur character to save his feelings…I think u should tell him u considered that too…I’m sure he knows he has a great mom…
All things come to light. The light is about to shine. I would just tell him the truth. Tell him that you still chose him, loved him and see him as a blessing out of a terrible thing.
I would tell him. It’s gonna be way harder for him to accept that you cheated (something you can control) over the fact you were assaulted(no control). Then you can explain how his father said that dna doesn’t matter and how you both love him unconditionally.
And yes. I met the sperm donor. My mom and dad don’t like it really but I needed to meet him. I met the gpa and the family asked genetic questions. Don’t lie don’t make it only about u… have an open mind…I been in his spot. U might hurt but so will he.
…and tell him he was cherished even so, which is why he is here, loved by his Mama. How we began isn’t as important as ‘that’ we began. He will most likely feel compassion toward you. Turn this around to … No Greater Love.
Tell him the truth!!!
Stick to the bitter TRUTH… be matter of fact about it… Your son has a right to know the truth. It was NOT your fault stop accepting blame for it… Remind him of the great REAL father that raised him… Any guy can be a sperm donor but it takes a REAL man to be a Father.
Truth is the best. Lies can lead to another hurt. My brother in law always knew he was adopted, sort of. He never asked. He assumed because he had a older brother with the same name that he was. Fast forward 30 years. When he finally found out the truth it was at a party. A cousin thought he should know the truth after all the years. He never thought his sister was actually his mother. He hated his sister because of poor choices in her life and the affects on her other 5 kids. My brother in law freaked out. Knowing he was adopted was ok. Not knowing the truth upset him. He’s come to terms, but still doesn’t talk to his sister.
Tell him the damn truth.
Being honest and getting it off the entire families chest is probably the best resolution.
My daughter just did it and found out her dad want hers but I was always honest with her
Tell him the truth of it does come to light he deserves that if you were to say you cheated he will resent you…you’ve carried enough pain don’t put more on you cause that will ultimately destroy you!! I don’t believe your son will be upset toward you it will be the fact that his mother was assaulted and she decided to still keep him!! He will love you even more for that
Come on people, she was raped, it was not consensual, mom I wish I had the answer.
Just tell him…never keep things away from your child that can ever be used to hurt them…my mother taught me that. She would always say there’s nothing my children do not know about me… nobody can EVER tell us anything we ain’t know
Truth is always best, no matter how difficult. Definitely do not lie to prolong the issue… best of luck and many prayers
Please tell him the truth and do it now before he gets his results back . He was obviously raised by 2 very loving parents. He will appreciate your honesty. Praying for your family.
If he did ancestry or 23&me, he can track down his biological family. Tell him the truth. He is not his sperm donor/r*pist father.
Do you know FOR SURE that he Isn’t your husbands? If unsure don’t mention it but get a DNA done with hubby & sneaking sons DNA. If you know for sure, honesty is best, it will probably crush him but you & your husband need to give him more love & support than ever before.
Please tell him the truth.
The kit will probably leave him feeling confused. You should tell him
This might cause suicidal ideation love. You might want to schedule a therapy appointment. Men are scared to handle that type of deep emotion. You are doing great but I wouldn’t tell him without a professionals help because it’s really not that easy after you know your a product. He’s gonna probably feel like you led him in a lie from the start. Anger comes from this and it could get chaotic. I hope the best and pray for you all but that’s my take because I wouldn’t know what I would do if I had that happen but my friends do exactly what your doing and she’s an awesome mom but that’s gonna be a question for her son and that’s extremely hurtful and scary. Be brave but don’t lie. It’ll catch back up.
No I’d lie because it would break him, say that you was dating a guy and your husband ( you were only 15 ) and the other guy moved away ( you could say he died ) and your husband and you decided that you didn’t need DNA test, remember you was 15 very young I think you and your husband done the right thing and what happened to you was awful but I know that it would break anyone being told that they were from rape, hopefully your husband is his dad I wish you all the best x
Do not tell him you cheated. He may never look at you the same. What if he goes looking for the man that assaulted you? At least if he knows the truth he can approach “bio dad” situation knowing the truth of what he did to you. He may not even want anything to do with him after finding out how he was conceived. Just don’t lie to him. My mother lied to me about my bio dad and she used another lie to hide the truth. It eventually all came out but several people were hurt in the process.
I believe honesty is the best as it gives you a clear and authentic relationship with your whole family. Apparently
this issue it’s a core life issue for him for whatever reason. It is one of his life lessons and your honesty and integrity is essential to his emotional stability and identity.
Always, tell your children the truth …that’s what we expect from them.
He deserves to know the truth
Lying will only make it worse. Plus he’s 24 an adult, he will underatand eventually.
Honesty is always the best. He was born and raised from strength and love. To lie will leave him searching for someone who doesn’t deserve to know him.
the worst thing to do is lye so tell him the trueth cause when he really finds out later u lyed to him he wont be happy with you and he will never beleave u again thats what i would do let him know u both love him and dont ever want to part with him and that u 2 are his real parents dont matter what
I wouldnt say you cheated. I’d say it was just a one nighter and u never saw him again it sounds better
Tell him the truth. As soon as you can.
He deserves to know just as you would would want him to come to you and be truthful about anything please don’t keep that stigma of lying to your child. He needs you for safety for this type of conversation.
Tell him the truth!!!
Do not lie! Maybe tell him now before the DNA thing comes back. He deserves to know, it’s his life to. Just reassure him he’s loved. My sister is a rape baby also and she has known most of her life. Just made her hate her dad not her mother. I’m sorry your all going through this but honesty is the best route
If you and your husband lie to him, you’re gonna break every single bond he has with both of you. Hes not going to be able to trust either of you guys, because in his mind, if you can lie about something this big, youll lie about the smaller stuff too. You raised your child to always be honest, right?? Now is the time to lead by example. Don’t be the “Do what i say, not what i do” parents.
My heart breaks for you with this. I think I would tell him the truth, together with your husband xx
Can’t really lie about this if he took a DNA test …he will be able to find out who the man is that made him when he sees that on the report …id just be honest. I would hate to be lied to…sometimes the truth hurts
Please don’t lie to him. You were a victim and you shouldn’t be ashamed. It happened, and it wasn’t your fault.
Out of a bad event, you have a great kid.
Tell him before he get the results. I’m 36 and just found my dad though 23 and me. Don’t let him find out though the test.
Maybe it will end up your husband is the bio dad all along (you said he never asked for a DNA test so I’m assuming there’s a chance it’s either of them.) Other than that, I would tell him the truth!
I wouldn’t lie to him about it. If you end up telling him you cheated he would probably resent you and want to meet the other man who is his biological father.
Tell him the truth so that he can decide if he wants to meet his DNA family or just stick with the family that loves him his whole life. It’s better to know the truth now than to find it out a herder way.
I would tell him the truth. Honesty is always best. If you lie and say you cheated he may hold that against you. He may also want to know who you cheated with so he can know his bio dad. Then you would have to make up yet another lie to cover what you fist said
I would absolutely tell him the truth. Your husband has been his dad from day one, nothing can change your family regardless of blood. He may be hurt for a while, but he’s 24, he’ll come around to understand why you didn’t just bluntly tell him
Be honest with him. It will be hard for him to hear but make sure to tell him how he is NOT his sperm Donor
You said if it does…its a DNA kit, it will. Is it possible he is actually your husbands?
He deserves to know.
this is why i hate when people lie or keep truths to themselves. truth ALWAYS comes out. being honest is ALWAYS the best answer.
Tell him the truth and how much you love him no matter what.
You both need to be honest with him. May be the hardest thing ever but deceit will be worse in the long run should he ever find out.
The truth is the only path, It is his journey too and you are both survivors
Simple: When the truth comes out be honest…never should anyone half to live in a life long lie…which is worst than telling a lie
Pray and ask for guidance for God to give you the right words he deserves the truth
Don’t make a huge mistake by lying to him and breaking the sacred trust
I wouldn’t lie. Tell him the truth. And make sure he knows that you wouldn’t give him up for anything. Even tho something horrible happened to you you got him from it.