Son( who still lives at home ) may have gotten a girl pregnant he barley knows and that I have never met. He’s 21, and she is 18 … I know they are adults I have no plans on finically supporting them … and husband and I don’t feel it’s ok for them to get married or to live with us unmarried. I don’t want to turn my back on him either how do I help him but make him understand this is his consequences for his actions?
A baby is a consequence? Weird… I thought babies were blessings
A baby is not a consequence. Do not make that kid feel like it is or he will want nothing to do with his baby. It is a responsibility that was unexpected but should be loved because its life and it happens. Give them advice and help them figure it out. Stay out of it as far as if they want to keep it, abort or adopt. Its not your choice and you will make shit worse. Do not shame him either. He is 21. GROWIN. just help him understand what he needs to do to support another living being.
Everyone has to start at some age. Learning is the only way to make it through it.
So you dont want to support him either way it seems. Weird.
Well you have already answered your own question. You don’t plan to help them because you don’t want them to get married but you don’t want them unmarried in your home. I was a young mom and my parents kicked me out. It created a lot of hard feelings and took a long time to repair our relationship.
I wish all parents were like you, so kind.
Pretty sure a kid will show him the consequences. Right now you need to be straightforward with both of them as a team and talk about their options. Not your beliefs. Their options. Whatever they decide to do will pave the road for their future. Be a parent and be there for your kid and for gods sake don’t let a grandchild suffer because you want to teach your child a lesson.
You don’t think they should get married or live with you unmarried… and you don’t want to support them. Sooo, you’ve already answered your own questions.
If the girlfriend chooses to continue the pregnancy or keep the baby I guess they’re on their own.
You’ve given the kid no chance. You don’t want him to get married, but he can’t live with you unless he is?
You set an impossible resolution.
And this is why I hated my mother in law. And also why I never left my son with her. Wanna relationship with your grandchild? Don’t think of them as kids. They’re adults and parents now. Get over it and be there for them. Or don’t be there at all and let them do their own thing.
Wow everyone is super judgy here. Make him get a job if he doesn’t currently have one, and make him financially support that child. If he can be responsible then he should get a place of his own and continue that responsibility. Then you are not financially responsible and they do not live with you unmarried, but will still be having him own his actions and learn how to be an adult. And at that point they can choose to live together or separate.
You’ve left no supportive answers. You don’t want them to get married. You don’t want them to live with you unmarried. He’s 21 so he should be able to take care of a child he created. A baby isn’t a consequence either, so if that’s how you feel he may be better off leaving you completely out of the picture.
Seeing such unsupportive parents always makes me so grateful for my parents who would literally drop everything for me, even now and I’m 26 with 3 kids.
It also reminds me that I never want to be like that. My boys can always count on me, no matter what.
Well first thing I would do if you are going to do anything to help him is to get him to talk to an attorney so he knows his rights and responsibilities in the state y’all live in. I’d meet the girl and her parents, find out who they are and what her decision and plans are. Hopefully he has some kind of plans for his future, if not he might want to consider making some. Also maybe talk to him about wrapping it up?
They don’t have to live together- or even be a couple if she decides to keep the baby, they can be friendly and co-parent. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to see your grandchild?
I was kicked out when I was 17 and things have never been the same since. I wasnt even pregnant! I had my first when I was 2wks away from turning 20.
He is 21. Time for him to grow up and if she is pregnant he needs to step up, get a job which allows him to support himself and his child…
Get over the unmarried thing and support your son. This isn’t 1940. Jesus. Or just get out of his way with your judgy self.
Hes 21. Not a damn thing ! Not your choice it is his!
First be there be happy for him even if he’s not sure he is. SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT! Emotional support and even a little financial support congratulations to you all. Everyone needs a little help sometimes even adults
It’s your grand baby and once he or she is born if you want to be apart of their life you need to make sure you take that into consideration. What’s done is done. Your son will learn his lesson and have to grow up quickly once the baby is born. Be supportive.
You don’t have to support them. They’re adults. Have your son and the girl work it out themselves while out of the house
So you don’t want them to get married, but don’t want them living together unmarried? You are aware we don’t live in the medieval times right?
I’ve been living with my BOYFRIEND since 2015 and we have 3 kids. Still not married. It’s just not a priority of ours.
And he’s 21, you don’t really have much say on where he lives or who he lives with unless they plan on living in your house.
If she’s pregnant that is your grandchild, my mom would love to be able to see my kids 24/7, me not so much:joy:
Be happy Grandma!!! Now let the fun begin! Help out where you can. I get not buying everything. If I had a grandbaby I definitely let them stay with me over the ditch somewhere.
Be grateful she’s of age. He just has to step up and handle his responsibility, it’s no longer about himself. Hopefully they can co parent and remain civil .
He is an adult…They may need guidance…Yeah they are a little young but its not the 1950s it happens…They may wanna get their own place in time but for now its ok to both live separately…Its time for support and guidance not a lecture…They are both adults
Be there for them babysit when they are at work/ school and help financially if you are able but they need to work and pay for their own place to live if they want to live together. If they don’t live together he helps with bills and things baby needs (child support)
You don’t babysit for them to party. Once and a while for them to have a break and adult time sure but not every weekend
Make sure he has a job and does the right thing by paying maintenance.
If they are young kids, having a kid, you would think their parents would be the first they turn to for help?
Hell grown ass people in their 30’s having their first child, turn to their parents for advice and guidance.
The baby is your grandchild, If you didnt want this responsibility, then you shouldn’t have had kids at all. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18.
You’ll catch a lot of flack but I agree with not supporting them, married or not.
Talk with them but let them figure out their plans…you can offer suggestions or options they may not be aware of but in the end they are both adults and will have to pave their own way.
It is possible, difficult but possible.
Support can be emotional, doesn’t have to be room and board or financial.
The married/not married is up to him and the girl. I am sure he knows at this point what the consequences are. He needs support. No I don’t mean financially, I mean emotionally. He is your son. It is a big deal for a man as well as a woman. If he wants to step up and take care of her and the kid support him. If he wants to not have anything to do with her encourage communication between him and the girl, and talk about what he will legally need to do. Make sure a paternity test is done before he signs a birth certificate. It has happened that a girl will use a guy to get support even if the baby is not his. I am sure he is freaking out. Don’t leave him out in the cold. Better decisions are made when someone feels supported and not attacked or shunned.
Suck it up buttercup youre about to be a grandma…
I was raised by a very judgemental and religious family i also got pregnant at 16…let’s just say your “expectations” will not end in a happy functional family for you and your child or grandchild…maybe reevaluate what’s important
Yeah, you’ve answered your own question. IMO, if I felt this uncomfortable about the situation then I’d definitely want them to atleast live with me until I know they are capable of taking care of my grandchild physically, emotionally, and financially. No way would I turn my back on my son and my grandkid just because they weren’t married and my son was young. Me not knowing the girl would also make me want to be involved just so I know the baby’s safe. Better in my home than in a stranger’s or struggling on the street
Wow way to be supportive in this group!?! Why should this woman commit to helping her, grown son, with an unknown female and possibly raise a grandchild?! What. You think it’s wrong to expect your children to be responsible and to be adults and accept the responsibilities that come with adulthood, when they are adults? He’s an adult!
Why is everyone hating on this mom for not wanting to be a parent AGAIN, after already raising her kids?
I support you mama, it’s hard i know, but you cannot control, take care of, oversee, live every aspect of your children’s lives. He has to take responsibility and nothing wrong with you gracefully bowing out.
If it were my kid, idc how old they are, I’d never turn my back on my kid no matter what. That’s when they need you the most if you ask me. You’re his mom. Be supportive, have his back and be there for him. I could never be like that. I have 2 boys and a girl and if and when they come to me, needing me, I’ll always be right there. You are gonna make him hate you. Take it from someone who got pregnant young and didn’t have support to help me through. Me and my (now) husband were on our own. It wasn’t easy. My advice, Be there for your kid. Don’t be stupid.
Keep him aware of where you stand with this. Don’t abandon him. He’s gonna need advice later down the road…if she is pregnant. This baby is probably their first.
You are going to be a grandma! You only mentioned marriage and your son. How about his girlfriend and the baby?
Since he’s the father and barely knows the girl, I would strongly recommend a DNA test as soon as it’s possible to confirm it’s his child.
Whether they get married or not already is not up to you… And who cares if you haven’t met her? He doesn’t need to introduce every woman he meets and talks to to you… What you need to worry about is if you actually raised a good man who is going to be there and support her and his kid.
It’s not really about you and how you feel about their marital status, it’s actually completely irrelevant to the situation it’s 2020.
Help them make the most of this and be supportive. Enjoy
I had my baby at 15. My parents never once turned their back on me and I can say that I am sooo grateful that they stood by me and supported me and my child. You may not see him as grown enough, but are you just mad that he had a baby without being married? Honestly that’s what it seems like to me. I’m still not married to my boyfriend, who is the father of my two kids, 10 years later. Being married doesn’t make it “right”. What if they were both 18, got married, and had a kid? Being married doesn’t automatically make them grown. Either way, you don’t have to let them live with you. You really don’t. All you need to do is support their decisions for their child, and love that baby with all you have. Don’t butt in to their decisions, and if they ask to live with you, just explain that you don’t feel that you can allow that because they need to find their own way.
He will go about having consequences for a long time and they will come on there own no need to put more on him, just support, my grandparents on my dads side took me in and became my legal guardian with my dad still in my life and who I’ve lived with my entire life and I’m now 24 and couldn’t be more grateful or blessed to have them.
Personally I’d cross my fingers and hope she got and abortion
I had a baby at 22 and it was scary for my mom and dad I lived with them for a while I worked and finally was able to get an apartment just my son and I we made it work my son became the light of the family my parents love him more than anything on this earth you will change your views it will all work out and be okay. Babies are blessings. You will love being a grandparent.
Gross. Be a parent and support them, if not financially then emotionally. I will support my daughter even if she makes bad choices I will help her through it.
I’d make sure he gets a dna test to protect himself but I think Have the talk with him about being a responsible adult and taking care of his child and be in that child’s life consistently. I wouldn’t force a relationship or anything if it’s meant to be it will happen.
Don’t forget your a grandma to this child.
I’m so sorry everyone is jumping down your throat. You don’t deserve that. I totally get why you asked for advise because you’ve already realized you’re emotionally stuck between a rock and a hard place. My advice to you is, help your son in ways that help prepare him for his future. There is no reason for them to move in together. I assume they don’t already. So before the baby comes you can help your son become more financially stable so that he can provide for his own child. Also, you could reach out and show your “support” through love to this young scared girl. Help her deal with the mixed emotions she must have and reassure her that she’s got this! Help her navigate the vast sea of resources available to her— glasses, medical care, child support etc…They don’t need to rush into a marriage that they don’t want just because there’s a child but they both need to realize they are adults now with adult responsibilities. Mentor them, love them and be supportive of their decisions.
You dont have to be there financially as they are adults like you stated but be there emotionally for him. He will learn his lesson having to provide for the baby as it comes. Him having a baby the way he did may have not been in the plans that you & your husband thought it would be but its 2020 times have changed be supportive & positive. His responsibilities will be on their way!
Tell him to man up and do the right thing. Support whatever she decides and when the baby is born do a paternity test. He should prepare for the possibility of being a father so try and get a good savings account going
My mom helped me by taking me to my appointments and being there for me. She did get diapers if I was between checks and I paid her back. My husband found a good paying job eventually and supported us well enough I became a sahm, I was 19 and he was 23. Now after a ton of drama and having nowhere to go bc of some unfortunate circumstances she is letting us live with her and my dad. We support ourselves and are building a savings to buy a house so we never end up in this situation again. I didnt marry my “baby daddy” until our son was 3, and we had a 2 year old daughter at this time as well. I think your son is 21 and should get a job, hes got 9 months to get a job, save up, and get a place to live with this girl if their relationship goes anywhere, but either way he should have a job to pay child support if they decide to split.
Imagine turning this situation into a me me me grab when in reality, it has nothing to do with you
I thought babies were blessings? And he is an adult he isn’t a child anymore. Tell him to get a job
Support him. Don’t praise him. Just support him. This is the time he needs you the most. I got pregnant young and all I wanted was to be loved regardless of my age. Treat him like an adult but also remember he is your child and your children will always need you. You don’t stop being a parent when they turn 18. It is your commitment for life to love and support them
I honestly don’t see the problem with them living with you guys unmarried if they don’t stay in the same Room. Have her and the baby in one Room and him in another or him on the couch. It’s definitely not a consequence but it’s definitely his responsibility. They should only be living with you guys if he is working. That way they can save up to move out and only have to worry about necessity for themselves and the baby.
If he is 21 it is time for him to man up and take responsibility.
I mean, hes 21. Not 16. Congrats grandma🤷♀️
I was 18, boyfriend was 21 when we found out we were expecting our son. We had been dating for a few years prior- but still young and scared shitless. Our parents were so supportive though. They helped us, but did it in a way that also helped us learn how drastically things were going to change. If they barely know each other, it depends on them- but I wouldn’t take offering them a place to stay off the table. Charge rent, whatever… but creating a safe place for them (and new baby) is everything! Be supportive. What’s done is done… if they’ve decided to keep the baby, next step is bringing the baby into a functional environment. It’ll be a big year for everyone- but our son was (and still is) the light of everyone’s life!! I’m so blessed my mom held 18yr old scared me and promised it would be okay. My life wouldn’t be the same without my son, or had we not gotten all the support we did…
If he’s 21, he’s a man needs to take responsibility.
Your house, your rules. Don’t set him up to fail though, call family meeting and sort something out. Just remember that’s your grandbaby she’s carrying, take her out for coffee or something and get to know her. Yes they are grown ass adults, they should have been more careful especially since it seems they can’t afford to look after it, but these things happen and he needs you now more than ever. Just have a good long think before coming to a conclusion or make any hasty decisions.
Just support him (not financially) but as a mother. And hold him accountable and responsible. No taking care of baby to do simple errands / going out. My mom did that for my brother and now he feels he can drop off whenever. Make sure he has a job or gets one if he doesn’t have one already and have him set money aside each pay check for expenses.
Your son trusted you and had enough respect for you, to tell you instead of hiding it, that says more than enough itself.
Life happens but its beautiful. Congratulations on the potential new grandchild. I know he or she will be just perfect!!
Don’t turn your back on him especially over them not being married. If that baby turns out to be his that’s your grandchild and you’re gonna be crazy over that baby as soon as he or she is born so you may as well make the effort to help now. You don’t want them to resent you because my husband and I went through that and were fully rejected by both sides of our family and we struggled bad. Thanks be to God we grew up and made it and became successful BUT now even my son doesn’t care to have any of our families in our lives because that’s not something you ever forget going through. Don’t give them everything but if they NEED you, do not turn them away or kick them out unless you’re ready for the life long ramifications because trust me, when you give someone enough distance, they learn to live without you and no one ever forgets who left them when they needed them the most.
Pray that this will turn him into a nan, pray and give it to god.
Lose your weird ideology about sex marriage and kids for 1
Just make sure she in the right page as you guys and steps up her game to not only him
They’re adults. They don’t have to be married to live together. Lol they’re already having a baby together , it’s not like you’re preventing anything. They’re adults. Maybe help them find their own home & be supportive. It’s hard enough to have a baby in this world now days without bitter bitch mother in law’s who act like everything is the end of the earth 🤷 he’s not your baby anymore, accept the woman & be as helpful as you can!
What does. Him and the girl.want
Sooo as someone who was thrown out of her home and family because she gotten pregnant by " a complete stranger"( he’s my husband) had it not been for my husband’s family and my aunt I would have had no one do.t turn your back just because your mad at them you’ll regret it once baby is here and your not allowed to see your own grandchild because you wanted to be a bitch
Honestly hes a grown man at this point… You can’t really punish him. Its not your life and not your decisions to make love. He has to be the one to do it. Please just be supportive. I was a young parent and it was very very hard and I know how it feels to have my parents not supportive and then have the stress of a new child as well. Its alot hes gonna need you to have his back and help him emotionally. As far as living with you?? Nah. Id help him find a place and help him to budget. Unless youre okay with that 🤷🏼 who knows maybe they will make a beautiful happy family and bring laughter into your home you didnt know you were missing! Congrats on the grandbaby though!!
You should help…just to be there for your grandchild because the child will be the one who suffers if anything.
Sorry, these aren’t children but adults. Its their decision what they wish to do. No, you don’t have to support him financially but be a decent parent and be there for him emotionally and welcome the girl into your family
He needs you mum. And so will that baby and so will that girl. I get it. It was unplanned but that is your blood. Imagine how the girl is feeling. Ask to meet her and say I will help you Guys along the way.
And here I have a son 26 I tell him I want a new grand baby made already or not lol I will always be there for my kids no matter what they know it and I will never turn my back on them.
Just be there for him when he needs you. Wether you like his choices or not. You’re his mother. Hes 21 he can take full responsibility of himself and his actions. I mean this is your potential grandchild. Wether they get married or not is none of your business to be honest. Doesn’t change the fact hes your son and needs your support.
what support do they need? if mum needs a home I would let her move in. this is your grandbaby. tell your son to do whatever he needs to. gotta grow up fast. but none of this is the babies fault. I’d support as much as I could so I could squish my grandbaby xx
If he’s living at home, give home the boot! If your old enough to have kids, you’re old enough to not live with your parents!
Babies aren’t consequences lmao. They’re blessings. If you can’t support a child during this time, then you are showing you’re not a true mother because mothers love their children unconditionally NO MATTER WHAT
They’re old enough to have kids… Support them. No one said you had to provide.
At the end of the day, that child is your blood and doesn’t deserve to suffer for their dad’s mistakes. You don’t have to support the parents, but support the baby.
People who call babies “consequences” are peak Cringey.
I don’t understand why that means they both have to live with you. They aren’t living together now. But at 21 you are totally capable of getting a job and a place to live if that’s the life you are choosing. So it sounds like HE has some decisions to make. You can’t do anything but support them (not financially)
He’s 21… He should pretty much know what’s coming his way. Just be there for him.
They can’t live with you unmarried but you also don’t want them to get married? Okkkaayyy a child is not a consequence either let me just say! Encourage him to make the right decisions and her as well and don’t put extra unnecessary pressure on them… they’re gonna need a supportive family.
He is a grown man. You should be supporting him. Your view on marriage and sex should never interfere with being their for your kids, you should support him through anything, not throw him to the wolves. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder, you learn to live without people.
I wouldn’t say not let them live with you un married if they barely know each other pushing them to be married isn’t gonna make things easier. I would definitely start guiding him to save money or charge them rent and save a portion of it to give back to him when he’s gotten enough saved to move out. I would suggest guiding them to couples therapy though so they can learn proper communication as what they expect from each other having a baby barely knowing each other. But don’t push him away. Talk to him start teaching how to have the proper roles as a future dad and how he can best help the momma as they await their future child
Seriously?? Yes IF the baby is his he should stand up and be a father… HOWEVER as his mom it is your job to support him!! If this child is in fact your grandchild you should be there for it… as a grandmother of 2 I ALWAYS make sure my beautiful boys have everything they need. Do I support them?? No but I definitely help as much as I can… yes mom (my daughter) her boyfriend and babies lived with me at first it helps mom learn how to be a better mom. My daughter had a problem with Noah being colicky and I thank God I was there to help.
Women like you are exactly why children are cutting ties to their parents. HE IS AN ADULT! He is going to make his own choices now and you have zero control over that. You don’t want him married but you want him married if he is living with you. You don’t get to make that choice for him. He WILL hate you for giving him literally no other option. Either be supportive of WHATEVER he chooses to do or loose your son and his child.
They made a child I don’t see a problem with them living together to try and raise the child as a whole or to be there for the girl …she’s young and probably scared senseless…you can be there just enough so he can better himself…be the nudge he needs …don’t baby him or throw him aside but guide him …life happens and sometimes it happens in a way we don’t expect…he is human I’m sure you’ve made mistakes before
This is my biggest fear with my oldest son
Get to know her and her family now before the baby is born. Help them find jobs and become financially stable. Make them feel comfortable to come to you with questions. They’re young and this is their first kid. You have experience. Why send them out blindly? You could teach them so many things. N they dont HAVE to live together. But if they are in a relationship then it’s better for the kid that mommy n daddy are in the same household so when they are ready, and if they want the help, help them in finding an apartment. If her parents arent supportive then maybe even reach out and make sure she’s buying and has all the necessities ready for the baby b4 he/she is born. A good support system is essential for them. Making this a positive experience and not making it seem like ur punishing ur son will make it more likely that he will be in that child’s life and not be a deadbeat. I could picture him regretting this baby and ultimately avoiding his responsibility as a father more and more over time because he has a negative view of the situation because things were easier before. U dont have to support them financially. But be a source of guidance. Please dont turn ur back on ur son or that innocent child.
Be a fucking parent…u turn ur back ur sry as fuck!
They are adults… Let them figure it out…if they are grown enough to have sex then they should be grown enough to support themselves… By the way being a grandparent is awesome, if you raised your kids correctly…
I’m thankful my dad was there for me and my boyfriend. He’s a pastor and let us live unmarried in his house because he wanted to help us get ahead before we had our daughter. I got pregnant pretty much immediately after we got together. I was also pregnant before I met my boyfriend’s mom.
I’m not saying support them, but being there for them makes a world of a difference. My dad and my boyfriend’s mom created such a positive and loving environment while I was pregnant and I owe them my life for it.
To be a little harsh, it doesn’t matter if they’re married. You don’t have to be married to love each other and to love and raise a child. Get to know her. Be open. Don’t be bitter and do not play the victim. Also, maybe change your wording. A child is not a consequence.
Some of the comments im reading… I can see why we have a lot of grown adults that have no clue how to survive and make it in this world. Willing to toss your children to the wind just because “they are old enough to have a baby”! What happened to being a parent a good one and loving and supportive to your children…
One of these parents
You don’t feel it’s ok for them to get married? Do they want to get married? Let them if they do, they’re adults and they have a little family of their own now. My husband and I were both 21 and living with our parents when I got pregnant, he got into school and we rented our own place for a while. My husband just graduated as a paramedic and we just bought our first house and I got into the Respiratory therapy program. Our son is going to be 2 next May. I would encourage your son to be in his child’s life, it’s a responsibility for him as a parent. It’s not cool to leave the mom hanging, they both laid down and made that baby. Don’t make the baby suffer for what you may think is a mistake… You should be there for mental support and relationship support because it’s very very rocky in the beginning as new young parents.
I have a daughter that got pregnant at a young age and I supported her threw it all n I still support her and she has two now and has lived with me for a year for one that’s my child n for two those are my grand babies and I wasn’t about to see her homeless with two babies n doing with out you can handle ur situation how ever u want to but as for me that’s ur son and that will be ur grandbaby . and things are hard enough right now . do u want them living on the streets with a baby . I wouldn’t
He is 21, he is an adult. Let him figure it out.
Support the baby, who is your grandchild! Make your son get a job to financially provide for this life he created. You’re concerned with them living together because “they’re not married” but I think he broke any rules you had for him because he had sex before marriage anyway. So… it can’t get any worse.
No consequences for a 21 year old, he’s an adult. If he doesn’t have a job, make him get one or he has to leave your house and live with her. Simple. You can help him by not allowing him to be a bum in your house. He has 9 months to save, build credit and get out your house.