I know all you sanctimommies can’t fathom this but psychopaths are born as such. The kid needs intensive therapy and you would all benefit from family therapy. Where is dad? You need to be on the same page with discipline and rules/consequences, if none of this is plausible then you need to put your other kids first and keep them safe.
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Why is everyone bashing this woman! That’s a huge no no in this group. Really need to keep the judgement to y’alls self. She’s asking for some advice.
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Have you talked to his pediatrician about his behavior? Maybe he needs a behavioral counselor. Maybe the whole family would benefit from counseling.
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Maybe try some family counseling and individual counseling for the child
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Idk whoa post this is but please message me privately. I have been in your shoes.
This child has never been taught boundaries, respect and manners. His father needs to be told in no unconditional terms that his behaviour will not be tolerated, also his father needs to man up or just leave. You cannot and must not let your other children grow up in this environment. Leaving may be your only option if the father won’t take charge of this situation. This child’s behaviour may be tolerated by others but he really is not you problem to fix. Good luck. He may need therapy but a good kick up the arse will let him know he is not the centre of your universe.
I thought this was a place to come to get advise not bashed! No i do not agree with avoiding the child, but it sounds like she avoids the child to keep conflict down, it doesnt seem like she avoided the child from the beginning, which has caused his behavior. Yes it isnt making it any better and like i said i dont agree with it, but obviously she has tried some methods before avoiding the child and just needs some fresh real advice! If anyone is at fault i would say it is the father that is allowing the child to treat her in a bad way and allowing this to get this bad! Also, where is the mother? It doesnt matter how much you love a child, there is a void when the biological parent isnt around. No he should be acting out because he feels this voidence but he needs a way to let it out and deal with his emotions. There is alot that plays into this situation and obviously she cares or she wouldnt have came here for advice!
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I would bust his ass. Why does your husband not fix this?!
My husband and I have been married 8 years and OUR oldest is 11. He’s been in her life since she was 2 and has NEVER referred to her as “step”. He always calls her his daughter. Sit your husband and y’all’s son down and talk to him.
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Violent outbursts are one of the manifestations of ADHD. My oldest has it with his ADHD.
Also, as far as the verbal lashing out, welcome to the world of stepmotherhood. I lashed out at mine and her daughter constantly. You’re the “evil witch” in their eyes. Get used to it.
If MY children are unsafe and my spouse is unwilling to fix the problems… I am OUT. My child will always come first. Yes, we are supposed to love our spouses children as our own but I know from experience that isn’t always possible.
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I feel for you. Please get help, counseling, pastor, but help.video the situation might help. But what does dad have to say
Put the kid in counseling maybe? Does he see his mom? Is she telling him things?
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Thats honestly hella strange to be going through after 8 years of being together. Especially if he lives with you. Why wait so long before looking for solutions. Your husband should have put a stop to that behavior a long time ago. You too. If your his step mother I’m sure you’re allowed to discipline him?
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Once my step child started treating me that way, my ex had to find someone to watch her while he was at work. I refused to be disrespected. I was not allowed to discipline or even tell her no. He expected me to just give in to whatever she wanted and I didn’t believe in letting a child run the house. Her mother backed me up more than my ex. You have to protect your children too. You need to have a long calm talk with hubby on how to fix the situation.
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- just because she refers to “step child” in this post doesn’t mean that she refers to the child as that in person. MAYBE she just wants the readers to understand the situation with clarity. THINK about that possibility before attacking her for this.
- also MAYBE the child hears these comments from other members of the family from his mom’s side or the mom herself, which is often the case. Don’t attack her parenting without knowing.
ALSO, this page is not used to JUDGE others. If you have nothing constructive to say then just, please, MOVE ALONG.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this mama, I’m going through the same thing, in try to keep my step daughter equal to my kids but can’t fully do that because if I raise my voice to get her attention she will tell her mom I yelled at her or if I tell her no She will tell her mom I’m mean.
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Try some counseling my kid is 6 and she exhibits the same symptoms she has been diagnosed with severe adhd also talk to your husband as you both need to be on the same page with how to handle it
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The child needs counseling, psychological help. Your other children are being abused, physically, and mentally and that is NOT okay. People are pointing fingers at you for not wanting to be around that child but, they have never lived in a nightmare hell from a child that absolutely has mental issues and thst is physically, mentally and verbally abusive . Just because hes a child does not mean he is not… he plainly is. It is NOT okay and it is damaging to your other children and yourself. He could be bipolar, schizophrenic, ADHD with other mental disorders . Tjis child needs serious help and you must protect your other children and yourself from this. The Dad needs to take complete control of this situation. Video his behavior all the time to show a psychologist and the Father… Documenting his behavior will help with getting him help… He needs help before he destroys you all and himself.
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Need more background… you’ve been in his life since he was 1? How do the other kids treat him? Or you and your husband? If everyone tries to avoid him I’m sure he feels isolated. I just don’t know how you can be in a child’s life for 8 years and have them so hateful towards you all of the sudden? I’m sure if wasn’t always like that, you being in his life since he was one. Sounds like you need to first have a talk with your husband and then have a serious conversation with just you, your husband, and your stepson or stepdaughter. I would quit calling them the stepchild too, if you’ve been in his life for 8 years I think that qualifies him as part of the family and not just the “ugly stepchild”
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Get the kid some counceling. Probably feels lime an outsider. Poor kid.
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Sounds like u guys need some one on one time and he feels like the odd man out. Whether you chose to admit it or not, it seems like he has a reason to feel that way by the way you’ve spoken about him. I understand you’re asking for help, which is great but i think the first thing u need to do is treat him like hes your son not ur stepson. That shouldn’t be in your vocab esp with the amount of time hes been in ur life.
One on one time date night kinda things with him, really get to know him and what he likes to do and do those things with him. Punishment is only going to make this shit worse.
Stand up to the child. Tell him/her that when you are at school they follow school rules. When you are at this house, you follow my rules. Have him/her sit down with you and list the rules and the consequences for not following those rules. When that’s done, ask him/her what they would like to do with you today. Make that child your priority, show them they count too.
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Someone needs to discipline this kid… I’ll be damn if a kid is going to speak to me or anyone for that matter like that!
OK I haven’t read any of the comments yet so I don’t know if anyone else is saying this too. But you are the adult. You are the parent. It might be time for a little harder disciplining when this kid gets out of line. I’m not talking about beating him nobody get their panties in a wad. But I am talking about being harder on him because he is being harder on all of y’all. Also what does your husband say about all of this? he needs to see the mama bear side of you, he clearly needs to be put in his place. I would not ever allow a child to have the upper hand in my house. Maybe that’s just me and my personality. I have four kids and raise my ex-husband‘s daughter as well.
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Unless you’ve lived the horror of an abusive step child, you have no idea!! I never thought there would be a child in the world that I would never love but my ‘step son’ proved that wrong.
He was horrible, nasty, spiteful mean and a compulsive liar… To a point he was on a daily communication book due to this lying. He would leave stools 
in his underwear because he knew I would be doing the washing!! He would smile whenever his father was looking and cuddling me… We were very effectionate… But if I looked his way he would shoot me the filthiest daggers and wish me dead.
Thank god this was before I had my children and he was no longer in my life.
It turns out he is not even blood related and his mother lied to my husband from the get go. My husbands parents knew!! They didn’t care but still dragged me through the mud and accused me of being a child abuser! He took the one thing I’m dead set against and then accused me of it!
They believed him but 10 years on when he finally came clean and said he lied, they now to not to believe him smh
Kids can be very cruel, malicious and even violent. I live in the real world.
Mama I suggest you get family counselling now and child counselling for the kids. They need to know its not their doing and this kid needs to be held accountable for his actions before he turns into a self righteous entitled disrespectful member of our society!
Dad needs to grow a set and put his foot down on his child’s behaviour and stop the poor me attitude as it will serve no positive place in future.
My 2 cents…
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How did we all read the same post? This girl just said she’s been with her spouse EIGHT years the child is NINE! This woman has been around since this child was 1 and refers to him as “the step child”! She gets “physically sick” thinking about watching him alone 
dad needs to open his eyes and get this poor kid out of this house, you want to know why he acts out, look at your fricking post. I’m stunned 
I can’t even “sanctimommy” gtfoh yeah its real sanctimonious to be offended by this garbage! I never come on here judging people but wtf. How can anyone justify this sure glad it isn’t your child in this situation
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The child may be mad about something. Understand that the cruel words they are saying is because they are mad and still don’t know how to channel this. You, as the stepmom should just one day hug them and say “It’s okay, I am not going anywhere.” Yes there may be a struggle and angry words. But you are reassuring this child. When calmer…have the others join in. Let him/her know they are not outsiders.
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His father needs to handle this mess.
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Soul reason… I never entered a relationship with a man that already had children.
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Sounds like he needs love and some good ole fashion discipline. You and your husband need to set boundaries with the whole house. Not sure what is going on in your house but I can assure you no child at age nine would run me out of my home or marriage. Time to pull up big girl pants and be the parent.
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Your not being fair to your children.orYou !
8 yrs in and he has a 9 yr old? That kid is your kid too. Maybe if you treat him or her the same as your own you wouldnt be having this problem now
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I would sit down with that child one to one and ask what is so wrong for him to be acting this way. Ask of he feels comfortable there ask of theres sonething yous can do as a family that will make him feel more a part of the whole family. Sometimes kids get scared with change and it sounds like this little one has been neglected from that dont call him your step child around the other kids. Dont single him out as the step child. If you love the man you are with and married too you should have accepted what came with him completely before having more of your own. That is at the end of the day still a child.
Maybe your thinking of him as your stepson and not your son is the problem. He knows you don’t love him like you love the other kids and he’s pretending that he doesn’t care. You need to love him first.
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Yes freaking leave duh! You need to protect your kids! Or tell your man he needs to find somewhere else for that little ass to go! Or tell him to whip his ass!
I noticed that you don’t call your “stepchild” by his or her name. You call him or her “the stepchild”. It is very hateful and I am sure the “stepchild” feels the hatred and alienation from you on a daily basis. Maybe you should leave so this “stepchild” has a chance to be happy.
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Something is going on. I’d start with some therapy for your stepchild and your whole family.
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God I feel so bad for you. I’m going through same thing and ppl talk so much shit unless theyve lived it. My step son doesnt even remember life before me and still acts this way. Freaks out when dad goes to work and runs outside into the road everytime he hears a car…wrote fuck my dad I hate him on our WALL because he left for work and I stayed home. Tells me I need to hire a babysitter when I watch him. What??? Hes 9 now! Ive been here since he turned 3! It can be so hard! He even tokd his bio mom I hit him! Ive never even put him in time out!!
Hmmm… There’s a problem in the fact that you’ve been with him 8 years and the kids is 9 and you refer to them as the step child. There’s some deep family issues there that need some counseling for the entire family. I I would hope that you don’t refer to the child by that when they’re around, but referring to them in this post by that is very telling.
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Been with your husband 8 years and his son is 9? That’s your kid too. Quit treating him like he’s not and he will probably treat you better.
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Your decision girl …if your husband doesn’t look after this child maybe needs to sort something out …as if your other kids are suffering from this little bully time to move out .or put that child to his grandparents .maybe a better thing . But your husband needs to wise up and sort him out .
Usually too it’s the bio mom putting things in their head… Ive learned that from my step when I asked why…mom said dad left because of you type thing. Dont listen to these other mothers making you feel like you just don’t treat him like your own. Guarantee everyone who said that has NO step children
get a camera and tape what he doing then show dad
Um… Parent your child. He became your child when you married his dad 8 years ago.
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COUNSELING and tell dad he either straightens him up or hes paying for a sitter
The Dad need to put that child in check, a good ass whipping when needed wouldn’t be bad either. You need to stand up for yourself and demand your husband to put his part if not send the kid away back to mom or relatives. I wouldn’t put up with a kid like that.
Have you ever thought about talking to a doctor or a therapist at all? Ignoring and avoiding is going to make it worse. You are an adult, do for him what you would do with your biological children.
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You’ve been in this childs life since he was 1, and no one thought of early intervention???
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It’s not easy raising step kids but when they grow up they realize who was there for them and who loved them
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Or would you walk away from your biological children as well? I am a step mom and a birth mom as well. And honestly this is ridicuous. Whether you grew him or not, he’s still a child.
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Honestly I would look into a family therapist and a child therapist as well.
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I can’t get to grips with this “watching the child” I see it a lot on here, is it a cultural phrase meaning living with and caring for ???idk, in my head watching a child is…you need to do an errand, go to the loo, make/take a phone call and you ask someone to be there with the child for a brief time, …Just curious
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The child is nine years old it’s called discipline and get dad on board it’s not like he’s a disrespectful teenager he’s 9. I have an eight-year-old boy and he damn well would not be calling me no names stepmother or not.
Dad needs to step up and deal with his brat 
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Hold on, you’ve been with your husband since his child was 1 yrs old and you STILL call the child your STEPCHILD? That is exactly why the child is acting out towards you and your kids. You treat him different than your own and he can feel your resentment and is acting accordingly. Sit down with the child and your husband and talk about the childs behavior and your feelings. Yes the child doesnt need to name call or act out BUT that is the only way he can express his feelings.
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So many perfect people commenting on this post and thinking they know everything.
You guys are the perfect reason why people stopped asking for help because all you guys do is being mean while pretending to help. She is definitely in a tough spot needing some encouragement, you don’t know all the details so stop acting like you do.
Move along if you cannot be nice to her.
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There is more going on and it’s b not good. He sounds angry. Does he have a name? Do you think of him as separate from the family. Dad is using work as avoidance. It is not just one child. It’s a family. Counseling might help. If you are feeling as if everyone is separate, this may be a root of the problem. You are a family UNITE AND should be operating as a unit. The modern family no longer exists in a blood relationship. Get some guidance and all of you will be happier.
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Get a child psychologist now before you have a full blown teen/adult with problems and limited family connections
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Your husband should handle this.it is his place to make sure his son is treating you with respect and also to treat the other children like family.
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RUN don’t walk to a family psychiatrist for counseling for the entire family and esp the 9 yr old…do it now before he gets any older…bigger… stronger & angrier… call and make an appointment first thing Monday before things get further out of control… tell your husband this is not an option…
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Good old fashioned ass whoopin!
You’ve been with your bonus child since he was a year old & you can’t stand him?? How long has he lived with you?
I’m so confused. I have two bonus boys & we have a great relationship. I made sure if it. This isn’t about the child, it’s about the adults.
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Sorry man, but I can hear that spoon breaking from here on his little ass. Ain’t nobody making me feel uncomfortable in my own house. Especially not a little 9 year old unpubescent child.
Whoop that ass. Also my bs doesnt work or anything when we have his daughter because personally she is not mine so i will not be left with her when its his time to have her
Last sentence she wants her kids to be with their dad, so give dad custody and problem may be solved
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You also cant treat kids differently and expect them to act the same. Idk if thats happening or not but its been a hot minute since this kids been with you and youre still calling him a stepchild
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The husband has to step up to the plate, and both parents need to be in agreement about what consequences the child gets if his agressive and disrespectful behavior continues. Otherwise it won’t work. Also, if you are avoiding the child that will also make things worse because children are smart, they know! He may be feeling rejection due to the fact that he doesn’t have both biological parents under the same roof, and that will probably never change, even into adulthood. But he still needs to learn rules, respect, and boundaries in the home. You are also responsible for keeping your other children safe from mental and physical abuse, if all else fails, leaving may be an option. Good luck to you all!
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Has he seen a psychiatrist? Has there beeb any evaluations done?
If not, I’d start there and rule out any mental health issues or behavioral issues.
I also agree with counseling both specifically for him and for the entire family.
I understand where you’re at. I understand that you’re worried about your children. That’s a natural reaction, but your stepson is a child too.
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Well first of all… stop calling this child your stepchild. This child is YOUR child so act like it.
Now that we’ve established that… spend one on one time with YOUR child. Turn the negative attention into positive attention. Shower YOUR child in love and affection. Make YOUR child feel like it’s your favorite child.
The bad behavior will stop and you will have a loving home.
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Kid needs his ass whipped that will take care of it
She is the step parent no one knows if his mom is even around an what part she plays in his life she may not be allowed to discipline him it’s not her kid does not matter how long he has lived there but the dad needs his ass kicked for letting this child get out of hand like this that kid needs a dr sounds like the whole family does
Why isn’t the behavior being addressed by the father
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His dad’s needs to step in and do something with his brat of a son!
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The fact that you call him “the stepchild” speaks volumes about you lady 
also, he is 9! Hes a child, a little boy who it sounds has a lot of conflict going on inside him. A lot of pain. Instead of distancing yourself from him or scolding him, how about offering him some love and affection, some understanding, instead of referring to him as “the stepchild”. Reach out to him on his level. Connect. That anger in him is pain and trying to discipline it out of him is only going to cause more pain and resentment. Adult up. Mama up. And love him. Talk TO him. Not AT him. Converse. Ask him softly whats up and keep on asking him until he gets that you arent going anywhere. Love and respect earns love and respect.
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So I’m pretty sure shes just calling him her stepchild to explain the situation everyone jumping down her throat about that need to calm down. Either way the child shouldn’t have that level of disrespect for anyone and BOTH parents need to step up. If he talk to you that way punish him. Is rude to the other children punish him. Hes not going to learn what’s right and wrong if you dont teach him. Avoiding him will probably make it worst.
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Tell your husband to install camera so he can see the behavior. Then have him punish according
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Wow send him to his mother’s
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How about try being an adult here… Sit this child and your husband down and tell the child he will not treat you and his siblings this way, that it’s disrespectful and will not be tolerated. And explain exactly what behavior you are talking about
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Talk about this with your husband , maybe the child needs to go to the dr for some help
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If you’ve been around this kid since he was 1, he should know you, and love you like a mother. You must be treating him differently if he’s being this way towards you and your other children. He may be feeling jealous, unloved, and probably very uncomfortable around you all. Start treating him exactly the same. Maybe one day your husband is home take him out and do something he wants to do, or take him to lunch and try to figure out calmly why he is acting like this.
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Wow all the judgement. Not enough information to be so judgmental. Also kid is a minor. Maybe she is not using his name here bc it’s kinda inappropriate to do so. We don’t know how long the kid’s been living with her or how the visitation was prior.
If dad has custody then there’s probably a good reason. The kid’s probably got some traumatic experiences or abandonment issues. If bio mom was into drugs there could be issues due to the chaotic lifestyle and exposure.
Sometimes therapy helps… SOMETIMES it doesn’t and kids can be very dangerous no matter how much you love them or do for them. I know from experience.
My advice is start with therapy. In my case i was told the behavior was due to my doing everything they wishes their mother had done or would do and since they couldn’t take out their frustrations on her they took it out on me. So if bio mom is not around that may be what’s happening.
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I think daddy needs to spend time with him just the two of them. I think he is jealous of siblings
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If your husband can’t stand with you move on
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Please consider therapy for everyone involved. Clearly he has some anger and probably resentment going on. People who are hurting tend to hurt others.
But don’t forget that your job is to protect all of your children and the others likely need therapy as well if they are being treated as badly as you say. If you don’t do something about the behavior causing this, I wouldn’t be surprised when the others start acting out with their own anger or resentment.
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YOUR FIRST PROBLEM IS CALLING THEM YOUR STEP CHILD! TRY TREATING THEM LIKE YOUR OWN.You’ve been in that child’s like since 1 they should be considered your child to .second divorce is really hard on small kids counseling Helps all you can do is love themharder
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It is your job
To protect your children. They are being abused.
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Try spending more one on one time with him. He’s only 9 and trying to avoid him all day while dad is at work if probably making it worse. He probably feels singled out. I’m sure your husband treats your 2 kids that aren’t his like his own. Why don’t you do the same? You would want your kids and husband to work it out and get along so why don’t you put the effort in and try to resolve it with him.
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If you are the only adult home when your looking after him he need to abide by your house rules … be the parent and treat him like your own and diapline him
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Get into therapy that will help you and your family
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Its about time you wake up and slap the disrespectful kids across the room and ask them if they want somemore.
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So, after 8 years, you are basically his mother? Why are you still calling him your “step” son? He was one when you and his father got together and have been raising him for EIGHT years?!? The issue is with YOU. Seriously.
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Seriously people, she was just asking for advice, stop judging, no one knows the whole story!
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Point blank… its always the parents fault… with my kids his kids and our kids… that boy is the only one in the house that is not YOUR kid… an all of u are constantly reminding him of that… if you treated him like u treat YOUR kids from day one… he woundnt have known the difference between real and step kids… sorry to late now that boy is scarred for life and when he turns 15/16 all hell is gonna break loose and it will be all his fault… sorry for the harshness but sometimes you can sugarcoat the truth
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Um…well maybe he is acting the way he is because of the way that you address him. “Stepchild does this,stepchild does that”…he is probably just protecting himself and his feelings and being 9 years old and whatnot he doesnt know how to do that in a healthy way becuase STEPMOTHER doesnt treat him like hes part of the family so he feels like STEPMOTHER is making him feel like he is not part of HER children or their lives so he feels as if hes a burden…but seriously lady, you are the adult and this situation and even i, a complete stranger, can tell how you and “YOUR” kids treat “stepchild”. Kids dont just act out and lash out and ACTIVELY call adults horrible names and stuff like that without a reason. So the real question is, what have you done to make him feel wanted and included and not like he is just “stepchild”?
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I was and still am that stepkid… and i still feel the burn even though ive been out the house for 10 years working and having a family of my own… with family events birthdays christmases etc. I still get reminded that im the step… its hard it really is… but you learn how to live with it
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My oldest son ( step son) is pretty much the same way so there are so many factors that play into it gossip that he might hear from family members the fact he may feel no strong bond towards any of his siblings and remember to demand respect but in a loving way don’t go popping him in the mouth . But hey I have done nothing to you don’t treat me like that this is extremely good because said enough he will at some point tell of any felt wrong doing and you can find a compromise also I love having little mom and son dates lol once a week I take a hour to spend with one of my kids just hanging out with them also we do a Friday night fun night all the kids get to vote on what they want to do and the votes are tallied and well you get it any way this helped my oldest (step ) son bond with my first born and so far it’s been really smooth I’m taking years apond years of fighting between my kids every day all the time name calling punching kicking blood whole nine yards now I might have to break up a small Tiff it is wonderful like really wonderful and always remember in everything there is a pecking order help him find his spot if is the oldest sibling then teach him to be the a big brother
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Daddy needs to step up and you need to draw the line in the sand. Loving him the entire way. Dont take it personal and stand your ground. He is only doing what he is being allowed to do.
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Try a parenting class they usually hold them in local resource centres free they sound scaring but they are actually nice it’s just other parents and step parents like you who for whatever reason might be having a hard time you give and get great tips and are supported by staff running the class it’s quite nice
I dont know where his father is, but as a parent My child would never be " step kid" to my spouse! Its very clear STEPMOM doesnt make him feel wanted… Its hard to believe the other 3 children are Saints, kids act out, IMO the issue is probably u
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