maybe try a therapist. there’s probably a reason she’s doing it and not telling you. do not take that poor baby’s door. it’ll just make it worse
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Why do you keep asking her why? The answer is obvious. She is embarrassed about her bed wetting and her period. Just have her clean up her mess and tell her there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, with the exception of hiding all that stuff. Tell her there will be punishment in the future for her hiding this stuff, but no punishment for actually wetting the bed. Show her how to properly dispose of sanitary napkins.
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Please dear God don’t punish her, bed wetting especially in older children is a pretty good indicator of trauma, not always but it’s definitely a strong sign that something has happened to her in the past or is continuing to happen to her, punishing her would practically guarantee that she won’t feel safe talking to you
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Im not qualified at all but i suspect sexual abuse . I’ve seen it before 
Taking her door will definitely let her know she’s in trouble
Especially after you keep claiming she won’t get into trouble
Maybe she needs to be in trouble in order to see what she is doing is not only gross
But not healthy hygiene habits
Maybe put a trash can in her room and a dirty laundry basket
Make it a chore
Please don’t remove her door. What’s happening is disgusting and her room must stink to high hell. I agree counseling may get some answers. Kudos on the good coparemting.
I’d make sure there was no sort of abuse going on as well. Just a possibility to rule out.
Your making her sound dirty and useless as if bed wetting is the worst crime in the world and that there no way she should be doing this in your house ! Wake up - she is lying for a reason ? But your threatening behavior will make you the last person she will want to speak to ?
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Bed wetting is usually a sign of abuse/trauma. Whether that is emotional/ psychological/ physical/sexual. There’s big T trauma and small t trauma. What may seem okay to you guys as an adult could have had an impact on her as a child. Taking her door to get a reaction is you feeling out of control with the situation and you’re going to be shaming her even more. If she’s not communicating she’s not feeling heard/safe when she does because children open up to those they feel safe with. It’s like when parents say kids act up with them but not with strangers because they are comfortable being themselves with their parents. You never know how the transition to you being in her life has affected her. There’s a lot to unpack that a psychologist will be better equipped to figure out and guide you all as her parents.
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My son was like this til he was 13. He was a deep sleeper. He was embarrassed and tried to hide the wet pads. It happens with a lot of children. Stop giving liquids after 5pm. Give caffeine during the day. Coffee… Most bed wetting is NOT caused by sexual abuse and therapy shouldn’t be for ed because of bed wetting. Medications work for some and not others. I would give praise if she cleans up after herself and not hound her too much if she tries to hide it. Wake her up in the middle of the night. They have watches just for that purpose. I think she is embarrassed and it is effecting her .
Therapy something is going on and this is a way to get attention even if it’s negative attention.
That is a huge red flag for sexual assault. It’s not easy to think about or talk about, but needs to be done. If she doesn’t want to talk with any of the parents, maybe a psychologist amd therapist can get involved. Unfortunately it can be anyone in her life. Teacher, coaches, neighbors, etc. A lot of time kids use this tactic because they think if they are dirty it will keep the offender away.
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Ever cross your mind that this causes self esteem issues and y’all are maybe making that worse? Give her the tools to manage and stop embarrassing her. You’ve had her checked so you have answers.
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NEVER take a child’s door away
They have a right to privacy just like everyone else
Speaking from personal experience I’d literally bet dollars to donuts she’s been sexually abused by someone, peeing the bed is a subconscious form of self defense (your brain hoping it will deter enemies)
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I would seek some sort of counseling and also maybe like a neurologist to make sure she doesn’t have something psychologically wrong… Because that’s what it sounds like. Most definitely wouldn’t take her door. Also children bedwetting can be a sign of SA I know from experience. This is more than just a child wetting herself and lying about it …
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Went through this with my son. We were told he was a sound sleeper and had a small bladder. We stopped his fluids by 6 when he was small. As he got older he took over monitoring his fluids. By the time he was in his later teens he had very few accidents. Into his 20’s he only had issues when he went out drinking. Until the day he died at 26 he only had a occasional accident. It’s just something they have to learn to control. Monitoring fluid intake later in the evening seemed to be the answer. We tried EVERYTHING from medication to devices that alarmed when he was going. When he was younger we had issues with him hiding his pull-ups. Drove us crazy. Put a garbage can with a lid in the bathroom she uses and encourage her to use it rather than hiding it. Having both homes doing the same routine helps
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Night lights guiding her to the bathroom!
I found out my sd was afraid of the dark so we left the bathroom light on and put a night light in the hallway. Take a rock, paint it any color and put it on the bathroom sink and tell her that the rock is magical, that it keeps all bad creatures away and if you touch the rock, it’ll protect you throughout the night.
Encourage her to go potty before bed as well.
I had this problem but it was hiding trash and food I would horde it in my room and it was from ADHD, abuse, and trauma in my childhood she needs to see a therapist.
Bed wetting is a very hard thing and she is hiding it because she’s embarrassed. Trust me she isn’t talking to her friends about this she’s ashamed. She will grow out of it. It was a hard road. Still make her aware that lying is not okay and that she knows where the laundry basket is and also where the trash can is.
It does sound like abuse is happening, these are signs that someone is is taking advantage of the is poor soul
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I have nothing on the bed wetting as I’ve never dealt with it, but her not communicating I have a little insight. I was always that way as a kid. I never wanted to give the wrong answer so I’d always just cry and say “I don’t know”. Getting a journal to write in for myself and then one that I could write in to communicate with my adoptive parents really helped. I just felt it was easier to arrange what I wanted to say without having to find the voice to actually say it until I felt more comfortable.
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Therapist. I can’t stress enough. We had the same problem. I didn’t know till we moved and I found it all. You may need to use tough love. Maybe give her a notebook to write down all her frustration and stress. Tell her it’s a communication notebook. Sometimes it’s easier to communicate by writing it all out. When we are face to face they panic and can’t communicate due to anxiety or panic attack. But definitely therapy.
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Alexa Rae Haskell sounds familiar
I think she is embarrassed about the situation be patient and it’s great you good co parenting going on things will get better hugs 
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Consequences? That’s why she’s hiding these things, because she feels embarrassed and ashamed… it’s just something she will grow out of mentally and physically both… Don’t make it worse on her by telling everyone in the family at both homes… And “I don’t know” is an answer… Maybe she doesn’t know how to put her thoughts into words. Maybe she doesn’t trust y’all to answer with her truth because y’all discuss her problems openly…
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Been through this, doctor said would outgrow it but don’t make big deal out of it. Sure enough around 13 or 14 just stopped and never a problem after that.
Bring her to a chiropractor. When I was younger and had accidents it was because my low back was out of place & pushing on the nerve that sends bathroom signals to your brain. Once I would get adjusted I wouldn’t have accidents
There is lots of health issues that can make this happen and drs. don’t always have the answers. Don’t embarrass her or bring it up in front of people. It is very traumatic for her. Give her garbage bag for garbage and get her to wash the things that need washing.
My child peed throughout the night until she was 12 years old. We just normalized it and didn’t make it a big deal. No one made fun of her and no one talked about her. It was a rule. She literallly couldn’t help it. She was just a sound sleeper and her kidney to brain sensors weren’t fully developed. So her kidneys weren’t transmitting any signals to her brain telling her to wake up.
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When my daughter was having trouble with communicating her feelings I got a Mommy Daughter journal, we write our feelings in it so we don’t have to say them out loud and we don’t talk about it out loud unless we ask permission in the journal first.
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Make sure there’s a dirty clothes bin as well as a trash bag/bin in her room. She can put her dirty things into the appropriate bin and then take it out discretely without embarrassment. I totally agree with a good mattress protector and extra clean linens for her to take care of all this herself. In her room in private.
There should be NO CONSEQUENCES. PERIOD. If you truly aren’t mad at her for wetting her bed then you can’t hold her accountable for lying either. She is a child. A child who is ashamed of something she has no control over. Even calling it lying is abusive. The bed wetting could be a symptom of sexual abuse. It could be a symptom of emotional abuse. I say to go to FAMILY therapy. So far by sending only her you are showing her this is a HER problem. It’s actually a family problem, by going as a group you are showing her you will all work together to get through the problems. If she feels the need to lie to you than maybe you aren’t being as kind to her as you think you are. Tbh, your post alone seems quite judgemental and like you are blaming her. Take a better and longer look in the mirror.
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She could just be a deep sleeper and doesn’t wake up. Maybe have her set an alarm every couple hours to wake her up to use the bathroom and stop liquids right before bed. All children mature at different ages.
As someone who has a 16 yr old who has always shut down when asked questions and will hide things, she was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. The anxiety doesn’t stem from my home as I have never parented other than with the technique of “gentle parenting”. It however does stem from her father’s home due to the screaming and hostile parenting she endures by her father and step mother. She also deals with pmdd and is on Zoloft for it which has helped with both her anxiety and severe depression. We also began having her see a tele therapist which really has gotten her to open up and talk about her feelings. She isn’t able to at her dads and still doesn’t have a voice there. Well, they just don’t care, plain and simple. They are a huge trigger for her.
My son who is now 18, dealt with bed wetting around the same age. His was from being bullied at school physically and verbally. We had no idea bc he never told us. The fact that it has started up again, may be something to do with school, especially if it stopped during summer break. He would also do this during growth spurts/hormonal changes. His doctor also felt it could have been due to not having regular bowel movements which puts strain on the bladder.
She’s hiding things bc she’s humiliated. She isn’t comfortable with anyone seeing it and punishing her or having sit downs with you and her father aren’t going to help. It may be her father that she is embarrassed to know. Sometimes having a girls day and connecting on a level will help with her being open. It’s important that she has someone to confide in. It seems like she doesn’t have that. My kids tell me everything. More than I care to know more often than not but we have an open dialogue without judgment or punishment but understanding and empathy. No child should be punished for something they cannot control. It’s important to figure out why she may have anxiety and ways for her to express it. Taking the door off is only going to make it worse and by that kind of punishment, I think maybe you all aren’t quite as “understanding” as you are trying to play it. No sane person would do that. Maybe your home is the trigger and if that is the case, y’all need to step back and reevaluate yourselves and how you are handling situations. Interrogation doesn’t work. Get her her own personal trash can so that she can handle it in her own privacy and without ppl knowing. She isn’t freezing up for no reason, figure out why she wouldn’t want to be honest with you and why would she want to hide it. You need to really accept responsibility if it is bc of how you are choosing to parent bc it’s causing her severe anxiety
Taking the door to her room? Are you crazy? She is embarrassed. And you are making it worse by suggesting a punishment for her embarrassment.
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Oh that poor child someone is abusing her and she is scared to say sound like
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Something is happening, some form of abuse somewhere from someone. I may be wrong and pray I am, but that is the first thing that came up when I read this.
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Be gentle and compassionate. Often these are signs of sexual assault, and shame will not fix it. Confronting her and invading her space is not going to help or fix it. Be solid in her storm. Speak gently and give her the resources and space to deal with this herself as well as the reassurance that you are available when she wants it. Not if, when. That part is so important. Put together a tote or something that can go under her bed with all the things she would need to clean up. Maybe ‘depends’ for at night? I commend you for looking for advice and help for your bonus daughter. 
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Go ahead and remove her door…. This may call for some tuff love but here goes …. Get her up to use the BR before you go to bed… again in the night…. If the bed is wet she should be responsible for stripping the bed and washing and drying the bed linen. If you find pads or underwear dirty in her room she loses her phone. When she gets home from school first thing she is to do is make her bed up…… this all should be done until she has dry nights for a week until she grows up and excepts that she wants to be a clean young lady and quit growers up and decides she want to change the habit. This young lady has taken complete control of the family with this and gets a lot attention doing so . It no longer matters “ why” she’s mad …… to bad !
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She’s embarrassed about it, even if shes not going to get in trouble for it it’s embarrassing.
Teach her how to clean it up herself and put a garbage can in her room with a lid so she can throw away things in there.
You also definitely need to figure out if she’s being abused, she may or may not be but it’s a huge red flag. I would see if she’s comfortable with a vaginal exam with a gyno, or at the very least get her into a child trauma therapist to be evaluated and give her a safe space to talk to someone who knows how to talk to potentially abused children
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I’m not in anyway trying to give a diagnosis or nothing of the sorts. I am simply stating what I have seen personally. This sounds a lot like my brother. He would do this but with poop. My family would find poop covered towels, socks, or underwear hidden in his bedroom. In conversation he won’t say much. Or all he could say was “I don’t know.” Sometimes, he would cry. My brother had to be evaluated, and he was diagnosed with ADHD and a form of autism. This diagnosis was years ago. He currently lives alone across the street from my dad and step mom, works a job, and drives himself to and from work. He has far out grown the things I have mentioned above. Sometimes he is still distant in conversation, but other than that therapy and medicine really helped him. Definitely go through with bringing her to a therapist and seeing about evaluation if the therapist thinks it is needed.
I feel so bad for this little girl. 
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Some kids even at 9, 10, or even older, can’t feel the promt to get up and go to the bathroom when they are sleeping. They just go in their sleep. She’s hiding the things because she’s embarrassed. The bed wetting is absolutely out of her control. Period. Will she grow out of it? Probably, if there’s no medical reason it’s happening. Maybe put a box with clean sheets, incontinence pads, wipes, whatever she needs, and a hamper designated only for soiled stuff. Teach her how to use the washer so she can do it without you even knowing or having to see it. DO NOT TAKE HER DOOR. She feels put out there enough, don’t shame her for it.
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So many things here.
- All of this sounds like a trauma response. I’m speaking from exp here. Sit down and ask her to talk to you about how she feels and what makes her happy and sad. If she doesn’t want to tak don’t pressure her but reiterate that nothing she ever does is wrong or bad and that you love her no matter what.
IMMEDIATELY LOOK INTO WHO SHE HAS BEEN AROUND AT BOTH LOCATIONS!!!
a child that is hiding this much has a reason for the behavior. Get her into therapy asap and stop all outside contact until you can pinpoint what’s going on. Ask her first and then Go through her room with her and gently remind her that keeping her space safe and clean is important because it’s her space. So not judge her but get in the habit of asking her if she’s doing things and what does she think is making her want to do them.
No consequences. That little girl is scared of something.
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Stop punishing her! She is making a wall for all of you because she feels unable to come to you. Someone near her like might be sexually abusing her and no one is giving her safety. Don’t take down the door make the room her safe place. Ask her if she rather live with you guys or the mom? Get her a therapist and help her.
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I don’t have kids, but I have a brother who had the bet wetting issue.
This is usually not due to something physical, but subconsciously emotionally-rooted. Hiding linens and pads pads seems like an embarrassment issue — my brother wouldn’t tell anyone after a while because he was constantly screamed at for it, and embarrassed in front of the whole house. (Not saying that anyone is necessarily yelling, but even being angry and disgruntled about it wouldn’t help… or it’s simply the shame of it even if she isn’t being shamed by someone else.)
Therapy would be great for her. Especially given that she is part of a broken family, no matter how the adults might get along. It might not help immediately, but it will help eventually.
Have you tried putting a laundry basket specifically for accidents in her room? Maybe a closed trashcan for the garbage?
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She’s hiding it because she’s scared of how you’re going to react and she’s embarrassed. Its hard to believe you’re being oh so great about when she’s too scared to even throw things in the garbage. Maybe you think your handling it well but she could very well feel differently. She may feel like she’s being shamed or like a burden. I can tell that by the way you act about taking the door down that you need to be in control and the boss. Chill out. Show her how to clean up. Stop pressing her to tell you every single night she wets the bed. Like you’re making it such a huge deal that it’s embarrassing her. You’re doing too much. Give her a trash can for the pads or night panties and a clothes basket for her dirty stuff and show her how to use them and don’t be so much in her business that you need to know every singke accident she has. That’s embarrassing. She just needs some privacy. Holy sh!t lady. Don’t take her door off. Don’t go through her phone messages like a control freak. Make sure she’s not texting anyone that she shouldn’t of course, but don’t read all her private texts looking for signs of her feelings. If you take her door off that’s abusive. She’s already acting out from lack of privacy and you want to make it worse and leave her zero privacy. Do not take her door off. How absurd. You do that and I will guarantee you that things will get way worse.
Zero consequences. Instead of “confronting” her, please relax and not make it into a meeting or a huge topic. That’s a lot on a little girl. Taking the door off a wounded/shame filled child is only going to make things worse. I recommend taking her to a therapist. Bed wetting can be from trauma. Don’t cause more trauma.
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My daughter had issues with wetting the bed. Making a big deal out of it like you are doing is the worse way to handle it. It’s embarrassing is why she’s hiding it and lying. Stop making a huge stir about it. She’s can’t help it. A lot of children bed wet like that. My daughter did it until she was 12. I never scolded her. I ask her early on and she said it happens while she’s asleep. So maybe she doesn’t even remember cause she’s asleep. I always just cleaned it and left her alone about it. You will do more harm by what you are doing.
Is there anyway she is being abused? I’m not accusing but that’s the first thing I thought of and bedwetting at a later age is a sign of that.
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My guess as I went through the same when my oldest was that age. There is something that has caused her some trauma, school, friends or maybe bullied. Just keep the calm and don’t punish her as there maybe lots going on in her young mind. Best of luck , they do grow out of it💕
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Im sure she is embarrassed about the entire situation, try waking her up round 3am to get up n go poddy…then back to bed…this helps lots of kids that simply sleep too heavy, sleeping deeply and just cant wake up…wake her bout 3am, take her to the bathroom then back to bed…good luck and it should help
Daily room checks and make her clean up the mess. Not necessarily as punishment, but as natural consequences.
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She obvs feels like shit about it. Maybe cut the girl some slack. She doesn’t need “consequences” right now. She needs some empathy and compassion
I’ve cleaned several houses with kids and teens.doing the same thing.
My oldest son wet the bed till he was like 16. We did everything we knew. He did t hide his he just wouldn’t wake up to go pee. We started setting g a alarm clock in his room at like 2 am and we set our also so when itqentoff we would go wake him up if he had had a accident if he had already we would try 1 am. That helped some and we didn’t let him drink nothing but alittle milk Little before bed. He just finally stop wetting. Good luck to yall.
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I know abuse comes to people minds but not mine my daughter wet the bed until she was 11 she finally grew out of it she would lie because she was embarrassed my son who is 8 wets the bed still I’ve been waking him up throughout the night to use bathroom and it’s really helped she probably is embarrassed wouldn’t u be some kids just sleep heavier then others and this happens I would figure out a way she can take care of everything without having to come and say she’s had an accident
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This is from a psychological issue. Get her into counseling and checked for csa
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Maybe try getting a bin for her room & telling her to just put anything soiled in there & that she doesn’t need to let any of y’all know, you will just check it every day or so
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My sister used to do the same thing. It’s probably embarrassing for her, obviously if shes hiding it and crying when confronted. Try putting a garbage can in her room and cleaning products. And for the linens, get a laundry basket that has the dividers (usually it has 3, 1 for whites, dark clothes, and something else) and label them for her so she can just put them in the basket and you can wash them. Maybe HELP her clean her room instead of doing it yourself or by herself so you can talk as you go. Make it fun, playmusic, bond, talk about it. And maybe try to find a Facebook group about teenage bed wetters or videos to show her it’s not uncommon!!
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Have you taken her to a psychologist? This sounds more like a mental health situation than a physical issue.
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My suggestion is too be kind through this, I’d first show her how to roll the pad in toilet paper before disposal, n honestly some children r going through a lot of changes at this time, what u might be practicing at ur home she mite not be getting the same talk from others, it can be confusing iv always just tried to talk to my children before it came time to be prepared, she may not have been exposed to learning about it before it started ! Good luck
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Don’t take her door down. I’m guessing she’s at least 11, maybe a bit older. She needs some privacy. Maybe check her room each day, but show her how to wash her own things and to take out her trash, each day. And get her some therapy, if you do nothing else, get her therapy.
Have you tried a wetting alarm? It sounds like she is ashamed of it herself despite all telling her it’s ok, she is old enough to know kids her age don’t typically wet the bed. We did the alarm at 7 or 8 with my Autistic son. We took turns sleeping in his room at night and put his mattress on the floor so it would be easier to change linens. We would help with changing them at night when he woke from the alarm (left in the bathtub till morning then put in the wash) but it was his job to do it. Gradually he stopped wetting as much cause the alarm got more and more effective at waking him and he started making it to the bathroom and just a little bit of wet on his underwear. And then eventually started waking on his own to use the bathroom before the alarm went off. He still has some issues with urgency at 18 but usually it’s pretty manageable. I personally think it’s due to low introceptive awareness on his part, partially due to having low muscle tone, which is partially due to his genetic connective tissue condition.
My daughter doesn’t wet the bed but she does the same thing with her pads and underwear. I don’t understand it we’ve talked and talked and talked to her for years and I still find them she’s now 16 years old. I told her that she needs to stop this because when she moves out - nobody else is going to put up with this. She claims it may be because she she has body dysmorphia and she is in denial about her period.
Wow you’re way to weird about this. Maybe she doesn’t tell you because you make big deals out of it. She’s at that age, she’s embarrassed. Jesus
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My little brother wet the bed until he was 13 he had ADHD and didn’t like to talk about it cause he was embarrassed. They just sleep very deeply and their brain doesn’t alert them. Just get her; her own garbage can with a lid and line her hamper with a garbage bag so she can put everything in there… she will grow out of it. Just support her and keep checking on her and line her bed with chucks under the sheets. If she’s ok with wearing goodnites keep using them, if she’s otherwise a normal kid then just let her be she’s just embarrassed. I never liked talking to my dad about that kind of stuff. Limit liquids an hour or 2 before bed. And therapy is good, meds never worked for my brother.
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Taking the door of a child who already doesn’t feel comfortable talking to her parent units is just going to further destroy the relationship. She’s struggling with her medical issues, let her get started in therapy where she truly has a safe space and you need to be patient bc therapy takes awhile to create that relationship with her therapist. Then she has to work on issues and come up with methods and implement them. Your feeling about what’s happening and your responses to finding this stuff impacts her feeling like she can say something. Invading her privacy at this point will not help the situation. She’s at an age where alienating her even more from y’all is going to set yourselves up for a tougher time as she gets older. Trying to get a reaction any way you can from her isn’t a healthy way forward. I think maybe you should be looking into therapy for yourself as well. Being a caretaker for a child with a medical issue as well as being a blended family is a lot to navigate. The therapist can help you work through your own feelings and help you figure out when to push and when to take a step back.
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Depending on how close you and the little girl are she might respond better to talking with her dad and mom about it when you aren’t around…
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Try setting her an alarm during the night. She is probably just a heavy sleeper. I’m sure she is is just embarrassed. Hugs to her…it will pass.
My friend sat down with her little girl and told her that she used to wet the bed but she didn’t mean to just like you don’t mean to. And told her it was nothing to be embarrassed about and that nobody had to know except you and dad. She let her know that if she needed to talk that she was there and another friend would write her kid a note stick it under her pillow and when her mom made her bed she would find the note and write one back to her this went on for a little while and one day her daughter started sharing and asking her mom for advise…
Why aren’t yall offering her some kind of adult diapers? She’s obviously being shamed otherwise she wouldn’t be hiding it. Who uses sanitary pads to catch urine? Any Pediatrician will tell you that she shouldn’t have any consequences at all, she’s lying about it because she no longer feels comfortable being honest about it. 
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My 10 year old son wets less & less these days. We had an issue with him hiding soiled clothing and never saying his bed was wet. We talked it over. That’s all. Explaining on his level. He now washes his own bedding. It’s embarrassing for them. His younger brother is 4 years younger and once potty trained never wet the bed. Talk to just her and don’t make a big deal over it. It will pass. And please don’t take her door.
Not sure if you already have these things but maybe just put her own hamper in her room that she could put any soiled Linen in and then also her own trash can so at least the things are being put in those areas and then someone could just come behind and pick it up instead of being hidden that could be a good start
First clean her room completely out, leave minimal items in there. Organize in a way she has little to nowhere to hide items. Put a laundry basket and small trash in her room. Have her see a counselor.
I’m 47 but when I was here age I was between to different houses too. I was afraid of the dark and scared to get out of bad thinking I would get in trouble for not going to bed. Maybe she is afraid of dark or sleeps really deep. I dream I’m using bathroom but really not and pee in my bed. Don’t take her door down. I use to make my lil sister go to bathroom with me at nite.
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She’s embarrassed. I applaud all three of you parents for not shaming her. My guess is that she now recognizes that many kids her age do not have the same issue at night, however it is still common. Maybe she’s feeling alone and she may possibly feel like she’s “weird” or “bad” because of it. I do not believe she is lying for the sake of lying and if that’s correct, taking her door could create bigger problems in the future. I’m guessing she lies about it to lessen the embarrassment, to make her parents proud. I’ve had my door taken from me at a young age and It helped create life long anxiety. I’ve also know a large handful of people throughout my life that have had the same issue- one of them was 17 when he stopped wetting the bed. My son was 7-almost 8 when he stopped. It does eventually correct itself. I think your daughter needs someone or something that relates to her so she doesn’t feel alone. Maybe a book you guys can read to her regarding bed wetting? From the looks of your post, it seems like you all are great parents and I hope the best for you
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As a therapist I can tell you that punishing or shaming her will do more harm. It sounds like she has some serious psychological issues. Please, don’t confront her as a group or punish her. I would have the person she’s closest to talk to her about it. I would leave a trash bag in her closet and ask her to put her soiled linens in there. I would also talk to her about a private place to throw her dirty pads away. Tell her that you or mom will check her closet daily and take care of any soiled linens and will dispose of her sanitary pads. You must treat this very delicately or you could really damage her. Suicide in the early teens is a growing issue she’s having some serious mental health problems.
I’d be curious if she’d been molested at this point
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Get her actual overnight underwear for urine… not pads… and shes embarrassed. You guys are making a big deal of it, then she wont want to tell you, especially if youre wanting to take her door… put a trash can in there if your using disposable bedding and let her have access to the bedding so she can change it herself and not even have to tell you. If not put laundry basket in room, and extra linen so she can change it herself. Maybe teach her to use washing machine if she doesnt know how already.
Don’t take her door off. I don’t think this is something intentjonal. She’s embarrassed for crying out loud. Wouldn’t you be? Depending on how long y’all have been together this could just be new. Or any new changes that may have disrupted her? Please don’t shame or get onto her. Help her nicely and get to the root cause of it 
you got this!
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Put a garbage can in her room. Give her that. It must be embarrassing as she gets older to be constantly criticized for being a kid. If it wasn’t ThT it would be dishes or socks or shoes or candy wrappers. And yes I know it’s different. If you put a garbage can in her room with a lid and bag and just empty it once a week without being irritated she’ll calm down about it. Hugs. Frustrating for both
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My son is 13 and wets the bed occasionally. He never lied but he did go through a period of changing and just not telling us and when I went to change his sheets I tell him strip your bed because I don’t want you to smell like pee. Making asking him every morning if he peed a routine plus making him clean up after himself has made the bed wetting less and less frequent. His routine: before bed bathroom, wake up strip bed if peed and then shower and when sheets are clean he has to put them on his bed. Natural consequences has really helped with us. It makes it cognizant that he wants to stop rather than him feeling we want him to stop.
I suggest you see a play therapist for her, as well as, a family therapist to help the family if/when the play therapist thinks it is okay. Please do not confront her anymore.
She’s probably super embarrassed about all the talking about it & obviously whatever you’re doing is not working, so try a different method.
I wet the bed until I was 15 & it was super embarrassing.
Maybe buy her drynites (like nappies/diapers for older kids) & put a bin in her room & in the bathroom & have some other rubbish in there like empty toilet rolls- she may be embarrassed about putting them into an open topped bin (where you can see inside without lifting a lid) & maybe some sanitary disposal bags.
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Maybe a sleep study? Maybe not waking up to use bathroom due to deep sleep or sleep disorder. Counseling. Do not take the door off. I’m sure she is embarrassed and ashamed since everyone says there’s no reason for it.
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I’m glad to see your going to have her talk to someone. That’s what I would have suggested. Best of luck.
Kids who are or have been SA are like this.
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Question: wtf is taking the door off going to help??
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Awe she needs hugs and a genuine connection. Sounds like survival mode. You need to give her door back. Give her privacy but with limits. Tell her you will help her tidy up her room every other day and for goodness sakes a hug and kiss and look her in the eyes and tell her she’s loved. I’m sorry if this seems abrupt but I have four daughters and have been through everything you can think of with them. Making a big deal of it like this is shaming. What would you want if this were you. Empathy goes a long long way. Good luck on your endeavours.
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Most children out grow bedwetting by 13.
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Lots of great advice here… She is not lying in the sense of intentional deceit for her own gain, she is acting this way out of shame… I would definitely get her counselling and possibly assesment for ADHD/ASD (bed wetting & hiding things/communication issues are symptoms of both) please understand she is not actually doing anything wrong intentionally… time, patience, understanding & therapy will help but please really work on making her feel safe, yes you will be repeating yourself, yes sometimes it will feel like your taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back but she needs your support if you’s are ever going to get to the bottom of why this is happening.
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She doesn’t need consequences. It honestly sounds like she may have suffered serious abuse. Stop being cruel to her.
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Eeeeeh… my family dynamic was really bad when I was a kid. I would t outright lie but I never felt comfortable enough to speak up and if people were mad at me I wouldn’t be able to speak at all, just sit there bawling and thinking and looking stupid full of anxiety. I’d wet the bed because I was too afraid to get out of bed. I hope that helps a little.
Quit talking about it and give her Poise or Depend underwear. Pads are ridiculous.
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I did that as a 10 year old for a while don’t know why but it was easier in my mind then trying to hide them in the trash can. I eventually grew out of it. As for the bed wetting sometimes your brain doesn’t get the signal. I am 36 yo and sometimes I don’t get the signal and dream about water. Try not to be super hard on her. Having a period and wetting the bed at 9 yo is tough mentally. Hopefully the therapy will help. Best of luck to you.
Sounds like she is embarrassed by her body. And her self-esteem is low. Maybe sit down with her and explain everything is normal ,period, bleeding through, wetting the bed. I Mean there other possibilities too.
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Does her Mom punish her? Don’t ask Mom ask you daughter.
I saw you said she saw a urologist. Maybe get a 2nd opinion with another pediatric urologist bc someone in my family had an issue internally that was causing accidents. If that’s not it have you tried a children’s psychologist? And a pediatric sleep specialist?
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Regardless of the cause of her bed wetting, it sounds like love, comfort & privacy will go further for her than punishment and a big talk. Please don’t make a very clearly already ashamed child feel even more ashamed. If she cries and tells you that she doesn’t know why it’s happening, it’s probably the truth, so you already have your answer you’re just not accepting it.
Making a big deal out of an already embarrassing situation makes things worse and can be psychologically damaging. I suggest you casually talk to her (not with a group that will make her feel ganged up on) and let her know she’s not in trouble for having accidents, that you understand she doesn’t know why it happens. Tell her you don’t want her to feel like she needs to hide it, that there is nothing to be ashamed of it’s okay not to understand why your body does things sometimes. Then explain that you want to help her feel comfortable so you’d like to brainstorm solutions together. Make a list of ideas to help, like: set an alarm to remind her to use the bathroom, no drinks after a certain time in the evening, teach her how to properly dispose her dirty pads and how to clean/wash her clothes and sheets, give her a special laundry basket for her soiled clothing/sheets, have a storage tote with extra sheets in her room, maybe even get her some feminine wipes so she can clean herself off well until she can get into the shower. 
I wish someone had done those things for me, I experienced bed wetting for years due to childhood trauma & sexual abuse. I didn’t understand at the time that it was just my body’s response to the awful things I experienced. I needed kindness, love and care.
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I had to cut off drinking early and set an alarm to help train mine at night. He was a deep sleeper. It took a while to figure out what times worked best but eventually he got into a habit to wake and go to the bathroom. Still would have accidents but it was rarely. He finally out grew it.