My stepdaughter that lives with her mother far away only comes to see us every few months because of the distance. Well, she is almost eight years old. She has been here for the holidays. To get to the point. She has been touching her privates and doing it in front of my daughter, which is only 3. She says a friend taught her to do this as a game; she told us who it is a little girl that did she says. And now she is doing this, and now my three-year-old is starting to copy her. How do I control this? Is it normal for her to be doing this? We caught her FOUR times yesterday in a matter of a couple of hours doing this. We are punishing her because she has continued not to listen when we tell her not to do it in front of her sister, and it is going nowhere. We are concerned as to why she is truly doing this. Any advice helps. Thanks
VERY age appropriate behaviour!
I tell my sons that its fine and okay. BUT its to be done when you are by yourself in your room. Its a private thing, not a bad thing.
I found keeping my directions simple and honest worked best.
Um you should be less concerned who she is doing this in front of and more concerned she is doing this. And that someone taught her. You need to have a talk with her and her mom.
It’s actually alot more normal then you think. She is figuring out her body. You should sit down amd explain to her that it’s not okay to touch that area in front of people. And that she shouldn’t be touching down there unless she is cleaning her self or wiping her butt. But also tell her that no one is to touch her there and she isn’t to touch any one else there.
My son sees a counselor a similar subject came up. Our counselor says it is absolutely normal. I she would completely advise against punishment.
Have a conversation about boundaries. Look for some YouTube videos
We caught my step son who’s close to her age. We told him if he wants to do that to go in the bathroom and lock the door or only when hes alone. NEVER in front of his brother. But it sounds like you guys should have the good touch bad touch talk with her ASAP.
The fact that she said a friend taught her to do this is a major red flag for abuse. I would not leave in a room with your daughter unsupervised especially because it could lead to something else. Take her to the doctor and tell them you are concerned about her being abused. They have special techniques and interviewing skills that can draw information out kids then do from there
Age appropriate from natural curiosity, yes. Being taught it as a game from a friend - GIANT RED FLAG! Nobody should be teaching the other child to touch herself as a game! That is VERY worrisome for her friend. Talk to mom, find out which friend, and have someone (authority type) check on the friend.
She might be doing it to get your attention.
It’s totally normal for kids her age to do that. I’d have her parents look into who showed her and who’s she’s doing in front of just to be safe. And teach her not to do that infront of people
It is normal…BUT a preoccupation with it is not. It is also unusual that she is talking about a friend “teaching” her. I wouldn’t leave her alone with your younger daughter at all. If you see her do it, don’t react strong just say in a very benign way “you need to do that in private” If there is any attention seeking element she won’t care if it’s positive or negative. Give her lots of positive attention for other things. I think it is worth discussing with her mum.
I think it’s wrong u are punishing her for something that is natural. Even if it’s wrong she is doing it where the 3 year old can see. Body discovery is natural at her age. She just needs to be properly taught about her body
My 3 year old has started doing the same thing all on her own. I see her and ask her what she is doing and she looks embarrassed and says its itchy. Which i know its just an excuse. So i tell her we dont touch our areas in front of anyone. We do that in the bathroom where no one is watching. I havent seen her exploring in awhile so i think it worked.
The only concern that i have with your step daughter is that she told you a friend taught her. Id suggest talking with her mom. Having her mom take her to the pediatrician and brining up a possible abuse situation so that she can be properly evaluated. Sometimes doctors can determine with just a few simple play scenarios. I only say to bring it to moms attention because you mentioned she is only with you guys every so often and i assume that means her mom handles all her medical and other things as well.
This is not normal behaviour for an 8 year old. Curiousity to what it is I understand but that is not what she is doing. If she is constantly doing it all day and in front of her sister that is not normal. This needs to be dealt with ASAP as their may be something else going on. 8 year olds are not sexually active or in puberty etc so not normal at all
My little one was doing this too
She has a skin disorder that mainly affects her little bottom areas
I thought this is what she was doing too before we went to see a urologist because she kept saying it hurts and it makes it not hurt as bad to do that
It ended up being a rare skin condition but the dr said a lot of kids her age do that too and it’s normal
The dr said to tell her if she needed to do that then to tell her to go in her own room and do that
It was an awkward conversation but the dr was very nice and reassured us that it’s a normal thing for boys and girls
But it is pretty weird that she is saying somebody taught her or her friend that’s weird
I hope the friend is ok 
I would try to find out who it is and y’all to their parents
Who showed the other girl tho. She said doing that as a game. What if an adult told her that? I would be concerned about the other girl.
I’ve always said if deals with your private area it’s for the bathroom or when alone in your bedroom
Maybe consider it as something may be going on at her moms… rather than punish her… she’s clearly being taught that it’s okay… so why would she think different?
Normal. Dont make a huge deal out of it though. That can have consequences later on in life. Just sit her down one on one, and explain that that particular game should be done in private, hence it’s called private parts.
Look up “purple private circle” and teach this to her. So she knows boundaries and for the time being do not leave her alone with your daughter nor any other child. You need to ask her very detailed questions about this “game” who taught her when and where. And as hard as it is going to be you need to tell her mom.
Please stop.punishing her you will give her life long hang ups over sex, she is discovering her own body and I feel if she was your biological child you would be more accepting. She needs to learn the boundaries for when this is appropriate and when it’s not and why but in a calm rational way. Have you spoken to her mother about it?
As for your 3yo, just keep redirecting and watch for changes in her behavior.
As for the 9yo, that sounds like sexual abuse
you might consider calling childrens services. her friend could be imitating what happens in her home.
You actually should call law enforcement. I have CPS and social workers in my family. The 8 year old is getting this idea from somewhere.
I’d change the wording of “good touch/bad touch” to safe touch and unsafe touch. Good touch bad touch can be too confusing as well as can make them feel in trouble. Safe touch is when a doctor needs to touch them because of a complaint they have or when mom’s or dad’s change diapers etc. Unsafe touch is when anyone touches them, anywhere really, without a medical reason. At that age no one should be touching them unless there is a medical reason. I would not leave your child alone with her, and I would get to the bottom of it before sending her home to a possibly unsafe environment.
Sit down have a nice calm talk with her and say its inappropriate. behavoir. Ask her why she is doing that and if she saw someone doing that. Just be calm about it. Maybe have a bowl of icecream together or a snack she likes and being it up!
Punishing a little girl for saying shes been sexually touched and mimicking that behaving isnt healthy. What you should be doing is calling her mother and making sure 100% that that little girl hasn’t been abuse. 3 year old naturally touch themselves. Totally normal. And your daughter would have done it sooner or later.
I think she saw someone does that …and she learn to do it…
I hope dam well your ass ain’t white and even if your not you no dam well it ain’t normal that’s what’s wrong with this sick ass world and to see one lady make a comment that it’s normal ok let one of your go over to the lady house where her step daughter and start touching on her you mfs be ready to call the cop glad it’s not a boy it rape at a early age grow the fuck up and teach your kids
I’d definitely bring it up to her mother. Ask if she’s showed her this game, etc. And explain you’re concerned about the friend and if things are going on at the friends house and you together should call CPS. Might be nice to work together and co parent ya know?
Your house, your rules. Private area are for bathroom or bedroom. Not main house. She’s needs boundaries about this. Talk to her mother about this too.
This is often a behavior of a child that has been sexually abused. Check into it
Send her ass back home where she got it.
I’d be calling child protection services this is a sign that the child has been sexually abused
Despite all of the concerns, masturbation is perfectly normal at this age. I am concerned about the friend teaching her. But that aside, it’s totally normal for boys and girls to play with themselves- it is still pleasurable for them as it is for adults. I would emphasize to your step daughter that it’s normal to find this activity pleasurable however it is something private that should not be done in public spaces or in front of others. Give her boundaries for this. Let her know she can do this alone in her room or bathroom but not in front of her sister or other adults. And ask her if she’s sure it was a child friend that taught her. If it was, try to find out who because that child may be in an unsafe situation.
I would be talking to her about if she had been sexually assaulted not punishing her! This could be a cry for help and you punishing her will just teach her not to trust you! She said a friend taught her so look into it!
Take the kid to a professional counselor ASAP . And after they talk they will advice u on what to do , it’s not normal , when u were 8 did u do this ?
i agree with sabrina sit her down and talk to her see if anyone touched her wrong place and then get hold of the other parent
You’d better take her while you have her there and get documentation that she says that a friend back home taught her before she goes back and her mom blames you. I’ve seen it happen to someone before and the parent can persuade the kid to say that it was you. Maybe not on purpose but maybe thinking she’s getting the facts and accidentally have the child scared to tell the truth. So scary!
I’d suggest not leaving the two children alone together.
Y would you punish her??? . I was abused as a child. It’s a sign she is being sexually abused. Y dont parenta listen to there children. Y dont you talk to her.
Why would u punish her she just told someone is touching her
Take it from someone who has dealt with sexual abuse if a child…you need to have that child looked at. Dont even go to the mother. My bonus children were being abused by their mother and people she allowed around them. We now have full custody and a permanent protection order and the bio is a registered sex offender in 2 states now
Typically, it seems age appropriate and normal for kids to start self exploration. All they usually know it is feels good, not the why HOWEVER, the fact that she’s told you that another child showed her this ‘game’ is concerning. Is she doing this in private or is she trying to go out of her way to have her sibling watch???
There is something the matter, need to get to the bottom of it for sure.
You talk to your step daughter about inappropriate and private areas and how no one else should be touching her there and she shouldn’t touch anyone else’s either. Let her know she can confide in you if someone has been inappropriately doing that to her. Then tell her she shouldnt be doing it in front of her sister and if she continues to still go to her room and do it alone in her own space.
Speak to her about her friend and privacy. Even a baby will touch themselves naturally but it is our job as parents to teach them when to do that when not to and whi is allowed to touch there and why. Understand she maybe doing what feels good but needs to know she isn’t a bad person or a bad child just needs to be taught not punished
I would not let the 3 year old play alone with the 8 year old anymore. Lots of children who have been abused will act out on other children and end up molesting them as well. Her continued attempts to show the younger child is concerning.
Contact authorities, definitely needs investigated and get her a counselor
From a safeguarding point of view there are multiple red flags here suggestion sexual abuse and also a risk of offending molestation against a minor (that being your 3yo). You need to inform CPS and the local authorities to begin an investigation into why she is behaving in such a way; somebody showing her this as a ‘game’ whether it’s a child or not is sexual assault as they are introducing the behavior and demonstrating it somebody who is legally without the capacity to make consenting decisions regarding sexual activity. If it IS a child showing her who believes it to be a game, maybe that child is being sexually abused and doesn’t think anything of it due to her age. The best thing to do is question without leading. Example: Who has taught you this? (Don’t suggest anybody who could have, let them answer) How many times does it happen? Why do you want to show it to -insert 3yo name here-? Did somebody tell you to show her? Has anybody ever done anything else to you there? Etc etc. If this is a case of child abuse you really could be saving her life and if CPS comes back with nothing then it’s in the interest of your daughters safety to keep them two apart. It almost sounds like she is trying to groom her into being sexual; ‘try this, it feels nice and it’s a game’ can very quickly become ‘let me do this. I was right about the other thing, I’ll be right about this too’. Which isn’t to say your SD -in this situation- is intentionally grooming her but it is always a possibility and needs to be prevented before it has a chance to start properly. Now might also be a good time to have a talk with your 3yo about consent. Literally just talking to her that nobody is allowed to touch her there if they’re not mummy/daddy/grandma and only when cleaning her or changing her clothes, nobody is allowed to see it, if somebody asks to see it then say no and tell an adult etc. I really really hope that this advice ends up being not needed but I can’t sit here and ignore this when I know how serious this behavior can be. Both from first hand experience (molested at a young age by my step brother) and from safeguarding training when I worked at a private kindergarten.
I wouldn’t punish her for this behavior, or shame her. Instead I’d explain those are her privates and of she wants to touch them it should be done in private. Her room/ the bathroom. There is nothing wrong with her touching herself but it is fair to be concerned as to where she picked it up and who taught her, why and how. I’d talk with her mom about it. See if she knows how and why it all started, how she is handling it and if there is anything more you can dp together.
Normal may not be the right question. Is it right? Is it good?
Maybe do some research.
I know people who have grown up masturbating have a very difficult time with it. For one person, it encouraged addiction.
I’ve never seen anything good come from it.
It doesn’t sound safe at all for an older child to be doing this “with” (in front of) another child, especially a younger child.
She has been molested and needs help
Punishing a child for not doing what she is told? All these people saying you’re crazy? Don’t listen to them. Children need guidance. She’s refusing to listen to you, so she needs correction.
This is a bunch of BS. BT
If she is not being abused the ‘friend’ who showed her probaby is Needs to be reported to find the truth.
Something is not RIGHT THERE.just saying
I would be more concerned about the 8yo. Can’t one of you speak with her mother?
Jonathon Slear look at this shit. Un-fucking-believable
Step one: Don’t seek guidance on the internet.
Step two: Call professional Psychologists for advice on this.
Step three: Don’t leave the kids alone together until you do step one and two.
Ok first of all masturbation is a part of growing up and completely normal to explore. But great job on making her feel ashamed of doing something that’s totally natural to do. I guess actually talking to her about what it is and why it should only he done in private is too much work on your part? This is a great time to have “the talk” and start drilling the importance of consent, good touch bad touch, safe sex and ya know…actually educating her. But i dont expect parents to do their jobs these days so dont even worry about it. #ParentingFail
PS some of you are sexually repressed as fuck and it shows. Jesus fucking christ just because she discovered masturbation does not mean her or her friend is being molested. It means they are growing up and getting to know their bodies. Guess what…THIS IS A GOOD THING. It is healthy. It’s normal. You’re all treating this like it’s something dirty and wrong and in that case i want every single one of you to toss out your porn, dildos, vibrators and flesh lights right fucking now. Some just discover it earlier than others. You guys want to jump to the worst possible conclusion instead of having an honest and open dialogue about sexuality with your kids and this is why the USA is the most ignorant fucking country when it comes to sex ed. Lazy ass parenting is what this is. TALK TO YOUR FUCKING KID INSTEAD OF ASKING A BUNCH OF STRANGERS ABOUT HER MASTURBATION HABITS YOU WEIRDO.
Communication is always key
Contact authorities if you are concerned. Talk to the mother and get her involved. If someone else taught her this get her to tell you who, if your daughter is not in danger another little girl may be.
I am not saying someone’s in danger but investigate it.
does not sound like a normal 8 year old thing. You need to find out who and how the other girl was shown.
It’s completely normal for a child to explore themselves. They do not know that it should be done in private. I believe some punishments/incentives will give your child the push in the right direction
Sounds bad at her young age ,this couldbe a cry for help
Marco Torres look at this shit lmao
Talk to her and explain that that is something private and she needs to do that in her room or in the bathroom. Not in front of anyone
Anyone who is saying this is normal for an 8 year old has lost their damn mind! This constant compulsion to touch herself is either the result of direct abuse or her “friend” who taught her being abused. I’d find out who the friend is and call CPS in that area as well as CPS in your area to come talk to your stepdaughter to CYA so her mom doesn’t try to say you or your husband did something to her.
It sounds concerning. Either something is going on with your stepdaughter, at her mothers home, or with whomever showed her. Kids just fine behave this way, or any way, for that matter, just because. It’s learned behavior. And sounds to me like someone may be touching the little one who showed her how to do it. Please bring this to her mothers attention, and maybe authorities as well.
Well my 16 month old has recently discovered her downstairs when she’s bathed or out of a diaper. I wouldn’t go having an episode over it. Rules change from one house to the next and if it’s just body discovery your gonna cause much more damage shaming her for it. Teach her to be in charge of her own body. That it’s only hers to touch when it’s correct time/place.
No, it is not uncommon for kids to explore their bodies like this. Both girls and boys do it and my advice would be to set boundaries around it. That it’s not something to be done around other people, it’s a private area and your room is the only place it’s allowed- or something along those lines. Being careful not to body shame is important too- she’s not being bad or dirty-that’s something done in private. I have a lot of experience with child development and this is something we talk about in training so I’m going to suggest not listening to the Dr.Facebook crowd and instead talk to a pediatrician who will help you. If there are any other cues/clues suggestion any sort of abuse it would be important to discuss them then too. It’s confusing for children of that age to have different sets of rules in different homes too- are the lines of communication open enough that you guys can ask mom when this started and what the rules around it are? A united front will work best for her most issues.
If the other little girl is telling her it’s a game, there could be something serious going on. I would call her mom, ask around and see . Somebody is teaching her it’s okay, and therefore your step daughter being her friend thinks it’s okay and a game too. That’s a serious red flag right. There and these days you really can’t be too cautious.
Speak with her Biological mother and have her discipline her and have her not come around until she learns to not do that around your kid or at all !
I have met with cmha regarding this recently! It is normal for her to be doing it but you need to re direct her to her room if she has one or be like you can only do that in the shower or bathroom if she doesn’t have a room.
I got a paper which I can’t seem to find that told me all the age appropriate behaviours and what age we should talk to them about certain things! I was shocked on some of the things that cmha considers normal these days! But the best thing is not making her feel bad about it! If I come across the sheet I’ll post it 
Alarm bells ringing when she says friend taught her , how old is the friend!
Normal for 3, not normal for 8. Your daughter may be safe, but the safety of the child that taught her this is questionable…and I’d be looking into the source of the problem first. Then yes, idk after that. Let a doctor tell her… if she isn’t listening to you and Dad about how that’s not a game and should be done by grown ups in private.
A conversation with her mother needs to be had
Ashley you are exactly right!!
First of all, instead of posting asking for advice, you should be reporting this to the police,her mom & cys because clearly someone has touched that poor child , when I child says someone taught her that as a game, that’s the first clue something isn’t right, poor child.
I’m questioning if she has been abused by her “friend” who taught her this game. 
Touching is normal, but it also requires the adults in her life to find out if she’s been abused. The “game” labeling makes me nervous that she’s been touched. If not, there’s not much u can do besides ask her to do it privately, but in a non shaming way. Children do it even while in school during nap time (I know, its crazy), but explain that somethings aren’t for everyone to see and that she needs to keep it private. I’d also keep my baby away if they aren’t in the eyesight of adults while playing.
I would agree on taking her to the dr and talking to the Mother…in a respectful way…just voice your concern and see if shes noticed anything unusual. As it is normal for a younger child to start touching themselves…the whole “game” thing is what would make me question it. Just on the safe side would get her checked and make sure that its just a child exploring their body and not more of something going on.
I would take her to a dr to make sure she hasn’t been sexually abused. Maybe talk to the mother as well to see if she’s noticed the same thing.
Other than that continue to tell her that it’s not ok to do that but don’t do it in a way that makes her feel bad as she’s only 8 & probably doesn’t know it’s wrong.
However you handle it just don’t punish her. It could just be normal it could be something else…she seems to be willing to be honest so be honest with her at her level…ask her if someone’s is touching her have her checked to be sure. Good luck
I would take her to a dr for a checkup to make sure nothing is happening. I’d also be calling her mom and having a serious discussion about this behavior and where she learned it from. She shouldn’t be hanging out with people who do that and I’d be finding out where the other kid learned it too.
Have you talked to her mother about this? Definitely need to find out why this is happening and if someone is doing something to her. Someone saying this is a game is a big red flag of a serious issue going on!
She may have really learned it from the little girl. Maybe that little girl needs to be checked out too. Someone could very well be touching her. Your stepdaughter could also be a victim and just making up the story about the little girl. The only way to be absolutely sure is to take her to be checked, talk to her Mother (she may know the parents of the other girl and may be able to confirm whether she needs a welfare check or not), and have a serious talk with your stepdaughter about not doing anything of that nature in front of anyone, it’s normal to explore, but she should be doing so in private. Your 3 year old should absolutely not be subjected to any of this whatsoever. I wish you all the best. Please have your husband take her to get checked immediately.
I wouldn’t punish her I would look into why. If some little girl taught her I would call someone to do a welfare check
Kids get curious and yes explore with their privates. But the way she is going about it is a bunch of red flags. For her to do this infront of adults rings bells. An adult has to be teaching, or touching her in a way to make her think every adult is ok with it… I would explain to her that it is not ok. And maybe get her checked even sit down and try to get more info. I deffinitly wouldnt leave my daughter alone with her either. But if you want her to open up i wouldn’t make her feel so terrible about it as she may shut down…
Please dont punish her for exploring her body. Take her to the doctor to make sure no one else is touching her. Talk to her. it IS normal. It’s her body and she will explore it sooner or later but dont make her feel bad for doing it. Tell her it’s not ok to do it in front of people. Definitely talk to her other parent so they know what is happening.
The child’s dad needs to taker her to the doctor/ hospital and have her checked. The words she’s using to describe this situation are troubling. Using words like game sets off an alarm that someone is telling this child we are playing a game and then inappropriately touching her. These are words that are used in grooming too. Then he needs to go talk with the child’s mother. Something is not right. An 8 yr old child wouldn’t describe this in the manner she has on the norm…
Touching is normal but she needs to be taught that it’s something that is done in private not public. However I would maybe take her to the doctor for a exam. She’s still a little young to have that urge.
She said a girl at school taught her right? I’d be getting name of who and then trying to get both families checked out by cps. Are you on good terms with her mom? Maybe ask her what she’s noticed.
Shes not punishing her for doing it, just doing it in front of the 3 year old because she has been repeatedly told not to and still does it in front of her!!! THAT IS PUNISH WORTHY. Now, theres no “game” to playing with yourself, that child is being molested and she needs checked. She needs to talk to someone who can get the whole story out of her.
All that sounds just about right lets add prayer too for both of them.
My mother is a retired social worker, go to the health department and get pamphlets, its extremely normal. I remember reading the pamphlets when I was younger and saying its normal. But I would take her to the side and let her know its something to do in private, not around people, it helped with a family member.
Call DCFS or the police it might sound like sexual abuse or she might just be skimming. Children this age may explore their bodies. Don’t punish her or your daughter just distract them with something else.